Love wasn't ever meant to be easy....

This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...

"What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life, 

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if the trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story

I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago. 

I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.

But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart. 

The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard. 

God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...

weekend reminders....

from hiking during CNY holidays! :)

It's been awhile since the last post... not for any particular reason. Mostly due to writers block... just haven't been inspired to write. I think some days I'm still recovering from the madness of working and doing my placement hours... that was so incredibly hard and draining on me that I can't find words to describe what a hard time those six months really were.

A couple of things came up this past weekend... things that reminded me of why I'm on the path that I'm on to begin with. The first thing was that "God doesn't need us to be perfect, He just needs us to be broken." Very simply, the name of this blog is "Beauty in the Broken." I know that it is always out of my brokenness that God does the most because He is the most glorified when I am broken. He strength is made perfect in our weakness. So I was reminded that I too come from a place of brokenness, but God didn't leave me in my brokenness. He restored me to wholeness before I was allowed on my way to the better things that He had prepared for me. Therefore, I was reminded that it is okay to be broken. I can allow myself to be broken... I don't have to hide it, nor do I have to avoid it.

The next reminder was "run to something, not away from something." This whole journey started with me running away from something, but that has all been put right. God used my disobedience and turned it into a story for His glory. I no longer have anything to hide from, or to run away from. God proved this so beautifully in my last trip home to Canada. I have also learned that running away from things solves nothing... and running away from God definitely makes nothing better. God wants us to run directly into His arms, He wants us, desires for us to run recklessly abandoned into Him. I've learned that lesson... that my job is to run to Him... so that all I am is abandoned into who He is, because it is in that place that I find rest, and peace... and it is in that place where I need not worry about anything.

The final thing that has been up is a comment that many have been saying to me, and that is "At least you know what your calling is!" I have been finding that comment so funny... because I don't feel like I know what my calling is, or at least I feel like I've lost sight of it. The picture that God gave me seems so murky lately. I think it's mostly because I am finishing up my masters degree soon and I thought that in the past 2.5 years as I have been completing my schooling as God has asked, that He would have made that picture more clear as the time went... or that I'd have a better idea of what I am to be doing once I finish my masters degree in social work. Yet, as the final semester slips away, I am left with no clearer a picture than the first day I started classes at CUHK. Regardless of how murky I feel that my future looks, it's nice to be reminded that God put passions and desires in me, He's also given me many promises that goes along with those passions and desires.  

These are all things that I know... but I needed the reminder. To be reminded once again that not knowing what lies ahead is okay. To know that I am walking towards God and that I need to continue to make Him my focus. The best is to be reminded that God has given me passions and purposes... that this path has not been started in vain, or on reckless decisions, but on  months of wrestling with God and praying and walking with Him before running straight at Him, recklessly abandoning all that makes sense in the worldly realm. At the end of the day... it's okay to be scared, to not know... and it's definitely okay to be completely broken by all that I encounter on a daily basis... When I don't let it break me, I know my heart becomes hard, and I am not soft to move freely in the Spirit with God. When I demand to have a firm grip on my life, and demand to know all the details of that which lies ahead, I'm telling God that I no longer trust Him and that I know better.

You know, life really hasn't been easy... but at the end of the day I trust that God knows that He is doing, so I keep walking. :)

Monday Musings....

After I ended placement the other Friday... it was back to back Christmas parties on the Saturday... these are some of my favourites from that day! I love taking pictures of the kids, sometimes it's so hard to capture them in that one moment of joy... or just in that moment... but when you can capture it... the emotions behind it is so fun to look at... cause it's so pure! 

I can't believe that 2013 is coming to an end already.... in so many ways, I feel like the year just started not very long ago! These kids... and some more have been front and centre of 2013 for me. They have consumed me like nothing else has and I have allowed it to happen almost with no reservation. There is no denying that they have been my saving grace this past year, I have learned so much about myself in them and through them. As 2013, through every frustration... through every down moment... through every happy moment... when I see these kids, I am reminded that God has been in each and every single moment. It was God who has brought me thus far... and from here He will continue to take me to everywhere else He intends for me to venture.

Let's not even pretend like 2013 hasn't been a rough year... but with stretching comes growth, right? With growth comes maturity... so it is on the hope that I have grown and matured this past year that I look forward to a new year. A new year with new challenges, new lessons, and new adventures to be discovered. I'm kinda looking forward to 2013 being over... and definitely looking forward to another year with these monkeys! They frustrate me so much at times... but at the end... it's not them so much as the circumstances and situations that surround them and other things that make me mad... and the truth is that I only get frustrated because I love each and every single one of these monkeys so much... simply because God loves each and everyone of them so much.... and as I learn to love as Christ loves them... I simply want the best for them. :)

I feel like in all this God is stretching the mother's heart in me... and some days it feels like I'm learning that even if the only children I will ever have are spiritual ones through the family of Christ... maybe it will be okay. I'm just being honest... I still would like my own family but if that never happens... maybe it will be okay too. I have a huge spiritual family with lots of children that need to be loved.... and in Christ, He is always enough.  

B*tching at it's Finest... :P

It's been awhile... and it's been a frustrating couple of weeks... to say the least.

You know for someone who has failed a class before and still managed to graduate from university with a somewhat respectable degree, you'd think that I'd have developed enough faith to believe that God will get me through my graduate program. Yet, I'm still constantly terrified that I will fail. I've once again let the expectations of school cause me to loose sleep, and health because of anxiety. I can't sleep because I go to sleep thinking of all the things that can go wrong at placement... and then I dream about all the ways I will fail and the terrible feedback. I am letting my worth be dictate by the feedback that I receive from my supervisor and my team leader at placement. Let's just say... the bad probably out weight the good... and therefore I'm constantly on the edge... and what's worse... I think it's just made dread going into that place all the more. 

No matter how hard I try... I will never truly be local Hong Kong. I just don't have that within me. I don't understand the local education system... I don't understand the pressures that local students face, I just don't. I crack under the pressure they face... I constantly think that had I stayed in Hong Kong, I most likely would be among the statistics of students who committed suicide. You know what I find the hardest? It's the fact that they seem to believe that improvement will come from scolding and negative feedback. Except... the more negative feedback I receive... the more I resent them... and the further I wish to pull away. I'm not built that way. I strive in positive environments where I am nurtured through encouragement and positive feedback. I'm not saying that I can do no wrong.... but when I already feel bad for not meeting my own ridiculous high expectations of myself it only further makes me feel worse about myself than I already do.

Blah... I think most of the time I feel terrible at this placement because I haven't put in as much effort as I can. To put more effort in would be suicide... or at least social suicide. I guess after last year's attempt at hermiting during last year's placement, I do not wish a repeat of the psychological damage I suffered after a lack of social interaction with others. At least last year I had a partner at placement, and seemed to have mingled better with other members of staff... this year I feel so disjointed and disconnected from the other members of staff, and I have no partner. It's been a friggin' lonely 5 months at placement.... and I'm finally down to the last 5 weeks! 

At the end of the day... anxiety is running high... I'm losing sleep... I feel sluggish due to a lack of exercise... I feel disconnected from people because I hermit most days with my laptop... as I am doing at the moment... and well... I just all around feel like crap. There I said it. I.feel.like.CRAP. I feel like nothing I do at placement has been good enough... yet I sometimes wonder how they can expect me to be as good as they are when they have so many more years of experience than I do... school courses are useless in teaching me the "skills" I'm suppose to be have acquired... as was my last placement. BLAH! And this is where I once again go down the train of thought that wonders "WTF didn't I apply to school back in Canada????" 

Oh well... what's done is done. The truth is, the degree is almost over regardless of how I feel about it now. Just gotta suck it in and deal with all that frustrates me about the program. I'm sure there is a good reason for why I had to endure all this... I just don't see it at the moment because I'm so blinded by my own frustration and anxiety. 

Okay... ranting complete. Gonna call it an early-ish night and get more work done when I wake up.  

An Unexpected Apology...

A little while ago I went home to Edmonton, Canada for a friend's wedding. I think this was the first time I had been so excited to go home to Edmonton... EVER. 

Since I've been back in Hong Kong, I have realised a lot of things. One is that... the place that I once dreaded... that I disliked... that was probably my least favourite place... (considering I ran away from it and all) had once again become "home," in every sense of that word. It was safe, it was familiar, and most importantly, it was so nice! All my negative feelings towards it was no more... I finally realised how much redemption work God had done in my heart these past 5 years since I've left. The amount of healing that He had completed in my heart was incredible. 

On top of all of this, God had another surprise waiting for me on this trip. An apology that I never thought I would receive... and one that I realised that I no longer actually needed. After 8 years, I finally received the apology for everything that happened... Even though I had closed the door on that chapter of my life, never expecting to actually hear the words "I'm sorry, please forgive me." Even though, I had already extended out my hand (by the grace of God) for reconciliation... There it came. Completely unexpected.... and I am once again left in awe of how intricately God weaves everything together.

I never thought I would reach this place... but here I am, and all glory belongs to God, and Him alone. But as I end on that thought, I do realise also that there is a huge hole that only friends at home can fill. This past trip home made me realise how incredibly much I miss everyone. All those who had walked with me these past 20 years... through the ups and the downs... who have held my hand through every heartbreak and celebrated every breakthrough with me... the people who don't need me to explain anything.... but simply looks at my face and can say "So... what are you hiding?" hahahaha... it was so nice to be with everyone, how ever short of a trip it was. 

Anyways... with that... I need to get back to the grind. Last 10 weeks of placement... I need to push through all this. I just need to get past these next couple weeks... finish the groups and programs.... then take a short break.... and we start the LAST semester of grad school!!!!! 

Transition...

A couple of weeks ago I felt myself starting to shut down... the daily stress of work compounded by the stress of school demands for placement.... if I'm not at work... I'm stressing about work... if I'm not being over anxious about my children... I'm stressing about placement homework... I wake up in the middle of every night freaking out about various different things... so to cope with it I started to shut down... I didn't want to deal with the stress... and covered it up to the point where I was ready to break down big time.

No one ever explained that transition would be so hard... that when I packed up my stuff and got on a plane for Hong Kong that my life would change so dramatically in 5 years. I read this article the other day in Relevant Magazine. It's about having a "quarter-life crisis"... but I like point 2: It's more transition than quarter-life crisis. "You're saying goodbye to a season and, even more dramatically, waving goodbye to who you used to be."

Transition... puts things into a new perspective. I never realised that when I took a step in the direction of this new job at ICM that it would throw me into such a whirlwind of life. In the past 10 months (OMG, it's been 10 months already!) I have stopped going to 180 (Young Adults fellowship), PLUS (small group), met and started spending time with new friends, been on the fringe of leaving the Vine, finished placement #1 AND started placement #2... finished more classes on my way to finished this social work degree... dealt with some family drama... had one of the kids thrown in jail... been affirmed in this new place yet challenged to the point of doubt so regularly that sometimes I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

I can not say transition has been easy, I can't even say that I've enjoyed every step of it. What I CAN say is that I know that God has been walking with me each and every single step of the way. The season of equipment is slowly chugging it's way to it's end... there are 8 months left of school... 8!!! Three years have finally come down to the final 8 months! I'm transitioning from preparation to action... and I know ICM is simply a small step towards action. What's next only God knows... but I am comforted to know that I am no longer the same person that I used to be. 

Loneliness...

Loneliness...

Lately... more than normal, I've felt like I'm walking at life alone. Perhaps it's partly because I'm still single... or that I'm not currently plugged into a small group at church... or I'm currently the only staff on site at ICM at the moment... or perhaps in a way, it's simply a combination of all of the above. Yet at the end of the day... I think the circumstances only expounds the feeling... because I think at the heart of it all it is that I trust no one.  

I've been thinking about this... ALOT. I've had a lot of time on my own as of late... and I think that I may have stumbled upon something else. I don't trust people... period. The biggest possible reason as to why I feel so amazingly alone in the world sometimes is that I don't trust people. There is a real fear that I have discovered that everyone is going to either abandon me or backstab me. I think the whole world trash talks about me behind my back.

I don't ask for help because I don't trust people. I micro manage... or cannot put things down because I don't trust people. I think I've built myself a humungoid fortress... in which I try to keep myself safe from people... and at the moment that fort is built on my busyness. I'm too busy to reply... reach out... I'm too busy to think... too busy to be around... and so as I hide behind busyness... I am free to hermit and be alone... where I don't have to risk being vulnerable with people... where I don't have to be real... 

Today I'm just being honest... that the words "Jesus walks with me" seem distant... and in so many ways... it's not enough. But I'm tired... and have no strength to reach up or out... 

Tuesday Tossings...

On Sunday, AndyG talked about... moving on? After Sunday, I think I realised that I was walking backwards with my eyes looking at all the ways I have been let down in the past and not looking forward towards God. I know I am walking in a season of favour with God... but I wasn't walking like it... I was walking with my tail between my legs, and allowing the hurt and disappointment of the past dictate how I walk towards the promises of God.... basically I didn't really believe that He was getting to where He had promised He would take me.

This morning during our weekly time of worship and prayer at work, God gave me a picture. He showed me all that I had packaged nicely inside of my heart... and it had become this showcase. I had encased my hurt and disappointments within a glass case... and every so often I like to turn the light on and dwell on it... In essence, it had become an altar, and a very unhealthy altar. I have encased it, to put it away so that I wouldn't feel those things anymore and at the same time I wasn't dealing with it nor letting it go. This was a very eye-opening picture. 

Thank-goodness God didn't allow it to stop there! After I realised what God was showing me, God came in with a huge hammer and smashed up the case. He completely ripped it apart. Then at the end whilst I stood there in shock... He said I've missed the point. He swept up all the mess and in the midst of it was a seedling breaking through. He said to me, "you've been spending so much energy on what is no more that you couldn't see the new life that I have been allowing to grow in your life." Then He shone His light upon it and said, "let it grow in my light, allow My Spirit to grow this."

It was such a good picture... and so much confirmation from others... that this wasn't just a picture for myself, but a picture for everyone else in the ministry and for the ministry. God is doing a new thing at ICM... and we need to pray and seek so that we don't suffocate what He's trying to grow!

I feel much better after all the prayer today... I may have woken up exhausted... but I was definitely refilled and refreshed at work today... such a blessed place that God has placed me in! 

I'm not a great artist... hahaha but that was my picture...

   

Justice Conference Asia

Ok... it's been awhile since I've done an entry... last weekend was a long weekend and... the long awaited Justice Conference!!

I will do a different entry to talk about my lack of blogging lately. Today I want to share my thoughts from Justice Conference. Things had been so busy that I wasn't really able to get excited about it until a couple of days prior to the opening of the conference. And it wasn't even until I was talking to a friend about it that I bothered to look up the speakers to find out what they were all about. The conversation wasn't important, it was what I found that got me excited about the weekend... I discovered this blog post from Eugene Cho! The man's views on abortion was what I've been talking to people about... and I was excited to hear this man speak!! Ok... given abortion was not really a big topic at the Justice Conference... and it's not like he was talking about it... but I was excited to hear his thoughts on justice and God.

All the practical advice at the conference can be shared another time. It was when he spoke at the conference on Friday night when God really smacked me. It was that night when I realized just how incredibly exhausted I was from trying to juggle everything. As much as I love my job and know that I am doing what I am suppose to be doing... I hadn't been aware of how crazy drained I was... spiritually, mentally, emotionally... I had been pouring everything into my job that I had neglected to take care of myself. Well... a part of me was using it as a disguise to some of what I was really feeling on the inside... or rather as a distraction from having to deal with some of the other crap that was going on in my life...

So... 2 things from that night. First that I was exhausted... and that I needed to take down the fortress I had built around myself so that God and others can come back into my life to help carry me forward. I'm not meant to live in alone but in community. Then second in relation to community was the line from Eugene Cho. "If you're thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, that's the Holy Spirit prompting you to water your own grass!" 

How are these things related? In trying to avoid dealing with certain issues in my life, I had distanced myself from my own community. As a result I had stopped watering my own lawn... and so began the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome... and I began to entertain thoughts of finding new community rather than seeing the problems in myself that I wasn't dealing with. Anyways... God smacked me, and now I am recommitting myself to my community and watering my own lawn. :)

As for dealing with the crap in my life... working on it. You know it's so much easier to tell everyone else that the most important aspects of any relationship is truth and honesty... but when I actually have to put that into practice I had such a hard time. I know that eventually I will put it into practice, but I just need a little more time to gather up my courage before I step out in faith. I know that God is always on my side and He always takes care of me. So I just need to walk out in obedience in all that I believe that He calls me to do. More on that another time...

Justice conference was eye opening in some practical ways... and very refreshing for myself personally. So proud of The Vine and all the volunteers who helped to make it possible! So thankful for a glimpse of God's heart... sometimes I lose sight of the bigger picture, this past weekend was a reminder to look at the bigger picture and not be stuck on the things I see immediately in front of me. Thank-you Jesus!! :)

A small glimpse of India...

He changed into a yellow shirt to match me! :)

Wow... back from India... and well, finals are next week and I need to get my arse in gear to get to studying and paper writing... blah!!! As always... when I'm meant to be doing school work, I find myself blogging instead. :P

So... India. Let's talk about the kid in the picture. It's not that he's the only kid from the children's home... nor a favourite... cause we ain't suppose to have favourites, right? :) This was my date at every single meal for most of the 7 days we were in Visakhapatnum. At every meal that I could remember he would grab his plate and insist that he would be sitting beside me... breakfast, lunch and dinner. No fail, this kid was sitting beside me. Trust me, I wasn't particularly nice to him... in fact there were moments when I had to constantly yell at him to eat his food... or to chew... or to not play with his food... :P 

It was through these meal time interactions that we bonded. He does NOT like eating boiled eggs... so one morning I sat there with him and waited as he finished breakfast. Haha... goodness gracious, it was quite the task trying to coerce this kid to finish his egg. At the end I think he got away with just eating the egg white and not having to eat the yoke. By the time we left, his promise to me was that he would finish his breakfast every morning, including his egg! :) 

Yet, this trip for me really wasn't about the kids. I know we always come back from missions talking about how the kids have changed us more than we've changed them... blah blah blah. For me... it really wasn't like that? Why? Perhaps because I work with children on a daily basis and it doesn't require a missions trip for me to see that. Perhaps, that wasn't the lesson that I need to be learning in this season... I learned that lesson many years ago. This wasn't my first trip to a children's home... but I pray that it won't be my last either. 

So, what did I get from my trip? One of the biggest revelations since coming home was that it's time for me to stop half joking about God training me for the missions field and start taking that seriously. Hahaha... I joke about this aLOT... or talk about it casually... but I think it's time to start praying about this and starting to ask God for some more concrete answers about what this all means. The running joke has always been that if God called me to Africa tomorrow, I'd drop everything to get on a plane to go... but now... it's time to re-evaluate what those words really mean. It's time for that to stop being a running joke in my life... but for me to really consider what I mean when I say words like that. So one thing that I came away with was the thought that I think God really might be calling me to missions... so time to start praying about that.

The other thing I came away from India with, is that I need to stop running away from children's ministry. I disqualified myself from children's ministry... almost 8 years ago now. That's not a story for this update, so you can ask if you'd like to know. For 8 years I haven't touched children's ministry... but every time I have gone out on a missions trip, I have ended up at a children's home/ orphanage. Of course, that could just be the nature of the trips I had ended up on... regardless... the doors to the mission field for me has always led to children. While we were in India... perhaps more after coming back... God seems to be confirming that gifting in me. That he has gifted me in working with children. So it's a season where I need to stop disqualifying myself... and start rebuking all the lies which I have bought into for so long. 

This is just a small glimpse into the things that God spoke into my heart from my trip to India. It was a good trip.. I think not because of the children, or the things we saw. I would have been happy going on a trip to anywhere... had I met with God in the same way that I was able to meet God while I was in India this time around. It wasn't about where I went or what I did... this trip was simply that I got away... and in the midst of me getting away, God met me, and He revealed to me the things that He wanted me to know. Despite all that we did in India... and the tiredness I should have felt... I did feel refreshed spiritually. I came home excited and recharged to keep going into this season! :)

Monday Musings...

Yay! Another entry of Monday Musings... let's see if I can keep this up.

Thank-you to everyone who checked in on me. I'm doing good! :)

Last week was a rather interesting week... very unproductive week... so much work that needs to be done, yet none of it is getting done. Leaving for India on Thursday... but last week I ended up taking up teaching for pre-teens on Friday and as usual lots of prep work to be done for Kids Club on Saturday. So I basically didn't stop until I got to 6pm on Saturday... and I still volunteered to go to Watermark Community Church with the kids on Sunday... AND I stayed for lunch with them and helped take them back to Jordan. I really don't understand why every time I decide to stay for lunch with the kids we are eating McDonald's on the Cyberport podium... -_-"

Regardless... these kids are my saving grace this past weekend. When I see them, I know that I am exactly where God had intended me to be in this season. I see the kids... and their reactions to me and I know that God is in control of my life, and He has crazy plans for me ahead. I know that it is by the grace of God that I get to join the ranks of the few who can say without a doubt that they love their job! On Saturday, we studied the Bible story of the Last Supper... and then we had a time of communion with the kids. It was the cutest thing in the world... and my heart completely melted... God has such a huge heart for these kids... He loves them so much! 

Circumstances may once again be trying to tell me that I have lost and that I am a loser... but lies I rebuke you! I am a daughter of God, and He thinks I'm a winner! At my own advice to a friend.. I'm looking forward... because God does not ask that I spend my time thinking of the what if's and what could have been. He asks me to live in the present... because that is where I can see the gifts that He has prepared for me for THIS season. If I look anywhere else... I will miss out on these... and I don't want to miss out on the things that God has prepared for me! :)

Monday Musings...

I really love having Mondays as my day off... and I really have been meaning to use it as a day to catch up on blogging, but I always get distracted and end up doing something else. Today I had this plan of going out to spend the afternoon doing some school work at the PolyU library... only to find out when I got there that I was missing a critical piece of paper... so studying in library fail! Ended up spending the afternoon sitting outside doing various activities which included reading and some sort of education related activities... amongst many other non-productive activities. Then I decided to go up to CUHK anyways.. I really should get some library time in... to find that the University Library on campus as finished renovations... it looks NICE! hahaha.. so perhaps my undergrad library study habits can come back to life... let's see what happens. :P

Anyways... random day description aside... here's the real meat of what I want to talk about.

Recently, I looked around me and I felt all that surrounded me told me that I had lost. That I had come out the loser in the situation... I seriously felt like everywhere I looked the world was screaming "You're a L-O-S-E-R!" This was not a very good feeling to be feeling... I'm just being honest because I think sometimes I look around and I wonder to myself... "why me? 

I know if I measure by earthly standards, it will always feel like I lost. If I look at the situation and compare myself to others... I always feel like I am lacking... and when I get to that place then I really have lost. I have lost because I have allowed myself to be consumed by my situation and circumstances rather than be lost in God. 

When I turn my eyes back onto God, I know that I have not lost at all. I have gained treasures in heaven which I cannot see with my own eyes, but faith tells me that what I have lost and sacrificed will be redeemed. Even if these things are not redeemed here on earth, they will be redeemed when I go to heaven to spend eternity with my Father. 

My truest measure of knowing that I had not lost... the most tangible evidence in my life... my job... AKA my kids. Everyday when I walk into Jordan and I see the relationships that God has built up in a very short 4 months time... and all that this job has led me to, I KNOW that I have not lost. I know that I get to walk daily in the will of God... that I am exactly where He had intended for me to be in this season.

Life has been hard... but it has been oh so good! :) And to finish off... the song that won't stop playing in my head... but it's GOOD! It's the cry of my heart for my life... hope you make it yours too!

And so that was 2012...

Haven't written very much lately... and I think it's just been really hard for me to explain everything that I have been feeling as of late. Then I realised that I also have not yet written my review of 2012 blog entry yet. :P So as I sit here on the third day of Chinese New Year... I thought I would take opportunity to do my year in review blog entry.

2012... was one tough year! There is no doubt on that one. Brought in the year in Shanghai... with like 16 other people. It was pretty fun. No birthday celebration last year since my grandmother went into ICU that morning... and all festivities were cancelled on her behalf... she is still alive and doing well now. The semester was really hard... small group teaching for skills lab was... trying on my patience and put my Chinese skills to the test like never before. It seriously made me want to quit school. Lost my job at the end of March, but still had to finish another month of work before I could leave... worst month of my life (well... I think that's up for debate...) but right after they gave me my "one month's notice" I took off to Korea for a couple of days. Saw the cherry blossoms.... that was AWESOME! Actually, most of that trip was pretty amazing. It was a nice break after having a really crap week because of work.

After I lost my job, that freed me to frolic around Australia with my 2 ladies from Edmonton. Cleaned out a good chunk of my savings... before coming back to begin Placement. Once again putting my Chinese to the test... not only in language this time, but culturally as well. I look back... and I enjoyed the youth and some of the workers there... but I don't think I could ever work there as staff.... not that I think they'd hire me anyways. My supervisor made it pretty clear in her evaluation that she thought I was an incompetent worker.

Took it easy for about 6 months... chilled with friends, met some new people... built up relationships with others. Placement... class... and life... Had a dream come to life... but then it hit stalemate again... and right now it might be happening again. Finally, out of a nowhere, a job comes at me. And after letting it go and thinking the job shouldn't be mine... God gives me the job. After a weekend of crying.... and then a meeting with my current boss... I take the job with a peace of mind. Looking back... God broke my heart for these children even before I took the job. But with the start of work... it meant I ended the year feeling the most alone I have ever felt in my life. With work, placement and class... there was no time for much else.  

So many times this past year.... my dreams have been challenged. The plans that God had given me were challenged... and so many times I wondered if I had heard wrong. So many times I wondered if I had walked down the wrong road yet again... and so so so many times I wanted to just throw in the towel. Each time I had been discouraged, God sent just the right encouragement to let me know that I need to keep going. 

After 2012... all the tears, the frustrations, the bursts of anger, my moments of despair, the heartbreaks, moments of utter confusion... I've entered 2013 thinking that God has made me come alive. 2011 was a year of planting, and 2012 was my year in the soil.... and 2013 is the year where I've made it through the dirt and is now surfacing with growth! And the prophecy is that it's going to be a big tree! This is a new season, and God is growing my life into a new tree. The old has gone... and this will be something new. 

Right now... I'm doing well. I love my job. I love the children... the love the community... I love my partners in service... and I love the nature of my job! Honestly I couldn't have found a better job myself... and through this job, my world is shrinking but at the same time... all things are falling into place as they should. This job even managed to tie itself to the dream that I thought was coming alive... but then didn't happen... and now might happen again. That's one crazy story... and not blog material. Ask me if you want to know. I believe that this job will springboard me into all the other things that God and I have been dreaming for since I've returned back to Hong Kong in 2008. 

The last 6 weeks or so (since 2013 has started) have been DANG interesting... but I'm excited for all that this is leading me into! There are times were I still feel so incredibly alone on this journey... and unsupported by my church community (cause sometimes I don't think anyone understands what I am doing)... but in times like these, He has brought me new friends who walk with me and support me... it's a good support... but it's not the best. Hahaha... and so at the moment I am praying to God for my support system in this next season of my journey.

(side note: with the new season, it was only proper to do with a new layout!)    

To finish off... I think this song summarises how I feel so well... ENJOY! :)

Glimpses of heaven on earth...

I am so grateful that God never allows me go disobey His word. And that time and time again he allows me to see glimpses of heaven on earth... or at least feel what He means when He desires for us to live out Kingdom culture on the earth. So once again, I have had the opportunity to see the things that God puts on my heart come to life. To be allowed the privilage of living out Kingdom culture. This is just one of the many from this past week... it has been ONE CRAZY WEEK! :)

To clarify, I'm talking about this particular blog post... The one where I talked about reconciliation. I have been able to forgive not because of anything I have done... or have not done. I am not a better person because I forgive. It is all by the grace of God that I can forgive and move on. If it wasn't for the love of God which had been poured out for me so abundantly... I don't think I would be where I am today. It is because God had loved me first... therefore I can also forgive and bless you as God would have wanted me to.

"Freely you have received, freely give." ~ Matthew 10:8b

"We love because he first loved us." ~ 1 John 4:19

The above 2 passages come to mind as I ponder on the events of this week. I don't deserve to be mature... or complimented on being mature... it is not me that is doing all these things. I will not stand here and pretend that anything has been done on my own strength or knowledge... It is NOT. 

I know I have not always been the bigger person in this situation... but I am glad that in the end... God brought his peace into the situation. I think it's dumb that it had to explode in this manner... but God has his timing and his place... and I will trust that this was what He had wanted and intended. 

I am still learning so much in this area of reconciliation, and still seeing so many of the ladies around me feeling hurt from lack of closure and reconciliation. Yet I pray that God too can come into those situations and fill them with His peace. I know that God desires unity within his body... and so I will pray that one day... men and women would begin to stand firm in their identities in Christ... and somehow stop trying to bring each other down... intentionally or unintentionally. Haha... that is my ideal... I guess that would be heaven on earth, no? :) 

Monday Morning Musings...

This past weekend, God showed me just how much He had back. He completely cushioned a fatal blow from the enemy so that on what had been intended to ruin my birthday was completely minimised and all I knew and felt was the love of some of my closest friends. All I could hear in my head as I went to sleep last night was "What you had intended for harm, God intended it for good." So this morning, I looked up where that was from, because I couldn't remember. It was from Genesis when Joseph was talking to his brothers about what they had done to him. Joseph was full of nothing but forgiveness towards his brothers because he know God... and he stood confident in that. So through the overflow of God in him, he could overflow that into his brothers... who had been so cruel to him.  

"Don't be afraid. Am i in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is not being done, the saving of many lives." ~ Genesis 50:19-20

This morning, I am drawing strength from the example of Joseph and from God himself. I don't know if there are intentions of trying to hurt me or disrespect me... but it doesn't matter because God loves me... and even though I don't want to... I will choose to forgive and stay within the will of my Papa in heaven. He has promised me that all things are for the good of those who He love and called. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

There is a part of me that wishes nothing but to point a finger and laugh... and say "in your face!" But... I won't... I will leave that to God to show you. Through this all, I know that God is looking out for me, that he is protecting me... protecting my heart... and I have nothing to fear.  

So... today as I turn the big 3-0... I will standing confident in who God has made me to be. I will choose God today, and everyday. Thanks so much to everyone who came out yesterday to celebrate with me! It was truly a blessed day! I am so thankful for each and every friend that God has given to me while I've been in Hong Kong. Your love was felt... and I feel very very lucky indeed. 

"Duckie, you're really quite lucky. ... YUP, YUP, YUP!!!!"

Saturday Snippet...

Usually during the Christmas season I do an advent countdown of daily blogging... this year, I didn't. Why? I don't have a particular reason as to why... I think I just forgot. In the midst of finishing up placement, classes and starting a new job, everything just got crazy busy! 

So what have I been up to? I have been starting a new job. My new job... Children's Ministry Director with Inner City Ministries. I get the joy of looking after children's sunday school (run on a Saturday afternoon), and various different tutorial sessions throughout the week, as well the daunting task of coming up with a plan.. for efficient and lasting change to their education situations. OMG! hahaha... it's slightly insane! Here's a couple of my monkeys... :P

Aren't they so sweet? hahaha :) 

Anyways... in the midst of this... I find small blessings... and honestly if I don't keep my eyes open and heart focused, I feel like I will easily walk past them. It has been 3 days since I have been able to speak (I have never lost my voice for this long before.) I seriously woke up from a full 8 hours of sleep on Thursday morning to find that I no longer had a voice left. Same thing again on Friday morning.... and still this morning... my voice had not yet found it's way back to me... sigh... and an afternoon of chilling with my monkeys has not helped me to regain my voice any faster! :P

Currently I am trying to study for my one and only final exam this semester... Professional Values and Legal Knowledge.... so... b.o.r.i..n.g.... but distracted by planning of my New Year's trip to Korea! 

Excited for a couple of days away from Hong Kong, and time to spend catching up with some of my favourite ladies in the world. Even though I haven't known them very love... I hold them dear to my heart. :)

Just read this article.... "How to know when to walk away..." I found it interesting... ladies and gentleman... please, please, please don't use the God card when breaking up with someone... it does more damage than good.... I speak as someone who is still dealing with the effects of having been dealt the God card. I'd so much rather be angry with a person... than trying to deal with being angry at God... questioning my own relationship with God... questioning my own ability to hear God... and questioning and second guessing everything that I believe is from God now... That's the least edifying way to end a relationship. Just suck it up... and allow that person to be angry with you instead... and accept that you will not be their favourite person for awhile...

Anyways... enough ranting. I really am loving all new experiences as they come up through my new job... I know everyday that this is a place that God had prepared for me... that this is a job that God had created for me... and that I have been called into this ministry for a reason. Everyday I get small glimpses... and the more time I spend in the new... the more healthy I feel that it has been away. It's not that I have anything against my current friends and church... but it's hard. It's so nice to be with people who don't know... and perhaps that is what makes running away seem like such a nice alternative... but I won't run away. I shall just enjoy the new, while knowing that God has not called me away from my church or current group of friends. 

There is much to give thanks to God for in my life... so with that I hold up my head and say "Blessed be the name of the Lord!"

I will stand firm...

Lol! This made me laugh... because I say "I"m just being honest" alot... does that make me a jerk?? OH NO!!!

On other things.. been an extremely frustrating day... but I think the enemy is trying really hard to take me off course. Like REALLY hard! So many things coming my way... which means I really need to get off my arse and make it to EMP and PRAY for the new season ahead. Pray for work... pray for everything that is in my life... and all that has not arrived yet. 

I walked back and forth the CU campus... not once... but TWICE... I went to one building... walked to another.. back to that same building... and then back to that other building... twice!!! TWICE!! And it's so disgustingly humid outside... not impressed.

Disunity in the workplace... or trying to cause disunity in the workplace... so I shall ignore what sounded like discouragement... and continue to do my job. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Another job with more money... trying to give me significance where I had craved significance before?? I'm flattered... and tempted... but I said no. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Need to further ground myself in God... and to remove the things that not belong in my life. Victory is already mine through Christ. So I will claim that... need to claim that... must claim that and stop losing... Prayers much appreciated! 

Hump Day Happenings...

What an interesting day it has been.... 'twas an extremely busy day at work as I was rushing to finish off some lesson planning done that should be out today for the group to prepare for Saturday's kids program. Got most of that done and will finish off the worksheets tomorrow if I have time... hopefully I will.

Someone asked me something... that caught me off guard... and once again makes me think about boundaries... but you can't define boundaries with someone who won't talk to you... so... I guess all I can do is stay away for myself and hope that eventually presumptions or misconceptions will stop. That is all I will say about that for now. 

Best part of my day, hands down... dinner with the parents of one of my best friends. Love love LOVE that girl, and LOVE her parents! They're the most hilarious people ever! I miss holidays over at their place... turkey for thanksgiving... hotpot for the Christmas season. Driving out to Sherwood Park was always fun... Goodness... it's been a long time since we've all known each other. So much fun! I miss having her around... too bad she couldn't come to Hong Kong too... but I did just see her in Australia not too long ago... so I guess that's ok. There's always whatsapp.... solution to long distance texting. 

So here I am once again... reminiscing about Edmonton and missing a place that I once called home... and still call home most of the time. There are lots things that I miss... even though I know it's not the same anymore... and well, most people are married and have their own families... I still can't help but miss that place. I do want to visit... there are a lot of people I want to see... and things that I want to do. But I am also waiting for the right time. 

Anyways... just wanted to vent about missing home and how much I love the chance to talk about things which are so familiar to me... :) And to end off... a stupid stupid pic the best friend took of me cooking in Edmonton kitchen... man... I miss that kitchen... and drinking with her... as you can see we do in that pic hahahahaha LOL! :P 

Monday Musings...

It's been awhile since I've done my Monday Musings blog... so I thought I'd sit down and do one today.

So I just sat down and read this article. 

I found it quite interesting. What I really enjoyed was her Henri Nouwen quote. 

“In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me—naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken—nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude—a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work and my distractions, so I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.”

I too feat that nothingness. It's a scary place to be in... but I found this quote resounds so clearly the thoughts and feelings during my 6 month period of unemployment. I know that being unemployed for 6 months compared to some of my friends who have been unemployed for much longer periods, but we're not talking about them and their experiences at the moment, I'm sharing with you what I was feeling during those six months. 

It's really scary to be in that nothingness... but like the article says... that means we have put our value in what we do. Yet, I am not defined by my job at Christian Action, I'm not defined by my being a social worker student... I do not find worth in being a placement student with the Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups, and my new job at ICM does not once again return me to being a person of value. My value has and always will be that I'm a daughter of God.

I fight with this daily... that I am a person of value in the eyes of my Father in heaven. I'm not defined by the ways I serve or don't serve in church. I'm not a valued as a worker by the number of hours I put into work... None of that matters at the end of the day. God is the one to whom I must report to... and at the end of the day He's simply gonna ask me if I had been obedient to what He had called me to do. Which brings me to my next thought...

In the past while it had been brought to my attention that one of my gifts is faith... faith in God, in things... in people. I believe in things no one else of a normal mind would believe in. Prior to this, I thought I was just good at forgiving... letting go of past offences... (sometimes it takes longer than others... but eventually I get there) This past Sunday, someone prayed into me that God has gifted me with love. That He had equipped me with the ability to love supernaturally... to love beyond human understanding and reasoning... to love those who had hurt me... 

It was like a light suddenly turned on in my head. As it says in 1 Corinthians "...and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have no love, I am nothing." Despite that I hadn't really been paying attention while we've been doing this Gifts of Grace series... God still spoke. Hahaha... All of it is only possible because I love. I have faith in things because I love... and ultimately because God loves me! 

The second part was "Don't give up... God knows that it's been hard to love, but you can't give up loving those He had called you to love." It was like the flood gates had opened... I had been waiting so long... for that touch of God... for Him to show me that He's been hearing my cries... my pleas... my aching. I've been wanting to give up so bad... to just run away and hide in a hole... to not care about anything else anymore. 

It's been an interesting time... but I know this also isn't the end but just the beginning of God doing something inside of me. And as much as I want to run and hide from it, I know that the only thing that I can do is accept it and just let God do as He pleases in my life so that I can enter into the better that He has in store for me. 

Jesus Makes Up for Every Sacrifice

This is encouraging... it encouraged my heart today... hope it encourages yours as well! :)

Jesus Makes Up for Every Sacrifice:

Peter began to say to him, “See, we have left everything and followed you.” Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” (Mark 10:28–30)

Here's how John Piper explains Jesus's words to Peter in Mark 10:28–30:

What Jesus means here is that he himself makes up for every sacrifice.

If you give up a mother’s nearby affection and concern, you get back one hundred times the affection and concern from the ever-present Christ.

If you give up the warm comradeship of a brother, you get back one hundred times the warmth and comradeship of Christ.

If you give up the sense of at-homeness you had in your house, you get back one hundred times the comfort and security of knowing that your Lord owns every house.

To prospective missionaries, Jesus says, “I promise to work for and be for you so much that you will not be able to speak of having sacrificed anything.”

John G. Paton, missionary to the New Hebrides (today’s Vanuatu in the South Pacific) gives a beautiful testimony of the nearness and friendship of Christ when he was utterly alone, having lost his wife and child, and now surrounded by hostile natives as he hid in a tree.

I climbed into the tree and was left there alone in the bush. The hours I spent there live all before me as if it were but of yesterday. I heard the frequent discharging of muskets, and the yells of the savages. Yet I sat there among the branches, as safe in the arms of Jesus.

Never, in all my sorrows, did my Lord draw nearer to me, and speak more soothingly in my soul, than when the moonlight flickered among these chestnut leaves, and the night air played on my throbbing brow, as I told all my heart to Jesus.

Alone, yet not alone! If it be to glorify my God, I will not grudge to spend many nights alone in such a tree, to feel again my Savior’s spiritual presence, to enjoy His consoling fellowship.

If thus thrown back upon your own soul, alone, all alone, in the midnight, in the bush, in the very embrace of death itself, have you a Friend that will not fail you then? What was Jesus’s attitude to Peter’s “sacrificial” spirit?

Peter said, “We have left everything and followed you.” Is this the spirit of “self-denial” commended by Jesus? No, it is rebuked. Jesus said, “No one ever sacrifices anything for me that I do not pay back a hundredfold — yes, in one sense even in this life, not to mention eternal life in the age to come.”

Desiring God, Multnomah Books (Colorado Springs, CO), pages 240–241

---

The above excerpt is the October 27 reading for Desiring God's free devotional app, Solid Joys (available for iPhone and iPad, soon for Android). We've picked a solid joy for every day of the year by identifying 365 of the best cuts from Piper's “big three” books (the “trilogy” of Desiring God, Pleasures of God, and Future Grace), along with key online content from the Desiring God site.


Our hope is that you'll be able to dive in for just a moment each day and come away with something solid to feed your joy in God.



Download the app for free in the iTunes store (or find it by searching for “John Piper” or “Desiring God” or “Solid Joys”).