Monday Musings...

"Your grace is enough." Everything that has happened in my life is a testimony of how God's grace is enough for me. It is all that I need, it is what sustains me. It is what has released me from my prison of lies... from all of my bondage. It is this grace that has restored joy in my heart. It was all by God's grace that I am where I am right now. I would never have been able to get to this place. I would not have this place at all. I would still be bonded, so angry, depressed, butter, no hope, no faith. I would probably still hate myself. ~ July 25, 2009

I found this as I was reading through old journals. I remember this day well, I was on the plane coming back to Hong Kong after having gone for a friend's wedding. When I left Hong Kong, there had been some drama in my life and I was sitting on the plane praying and journaling about letting go of all that into God's hands and getting ready to start afresh. 

That season of my life has been haunting me alot recently. I have had many strange dreams and nightmares. So today, I decided to do some digging back into that time in my life. What I found was not what I had expected. I actually don't even know what I was looking for... maybe just a nice walk down memory lane. Except that wasn't what I found because it wasn't a nice walk down memory lane. It was a blatant slap in my face. 

Considering it's also been 3 years since my last blog post... things of course have changed a lot in my life. I got married, had a baby... and now that baby turns 2 in a few days. I started and finished a job as a school counselor AND started a new project manager role with a new NGO. Still that only accounts for my possible lack of blogging and does not account for what I found through some old emails and journals. 

What I found was that I had changed... and not for the better. I had backtracked so far... it's a disgrace. I am so far from where I was that everything on this blog seems to have been written by someone else entirely! How ridiculous is that?! I am at a loss of words at myself... so I guess this blogpost serves as one of many steps I am taking to not "fix" myself but to 1) rediscover Christ and what that means personally and 2) to rediscover myself... and the things that used to make me who I was and how that all fits into who I am now as a wife, mother and worker. 

If anyone still follows this and reads this... prayers are much appreciated! 

Monday Musings...

Wow... I don't think I have posted all summer... how bad am I at this??

So I spent most of September in Canada... living off a blow up mattress in Vron's living room. It was absolutely amazing because it was exactly what I needed. To get out of Hong Kong where I find myself constantly wound up like a rubber band gun... ready to shoot when the trigger is released... Anyways, can share more about that later. 

This past Saturday was my first day back at work... and first full day of being back at our newly renovated centre! Praise Jesus! The place looks absolutely fantastic! I was jetlagged... I was under prepared... but it felt right to be back. Near the end of Kids Club, some of the youth girls walked in along with a younger sibling in tow. The younger sibling is a little girl who I've had the honour of getting closer to over my past (almost) 2 years here at this job. She's the sweetest girl ever. She comes in, I say hi and she dumps this piece of clear plastic into my hand and we exchange the below lines:

little girl: It's for you.
me: What is it?
little girl: It's a diamond!
me: Aww... it's even yellow, my favourite colour. Thanks.

To be honest, it looks like those plastic rocks you put at the bottom of a fish tank. It also wouldn't be the first time that one of my kids walks in and hands me garbage with the description of it being a gift for me. Yet, at that moment I felt like a queen. Sure it wasn't a real yellow diamond, but this little girl deemed me worthy of receiving a diamond! 

Despite the silliness of all this, it reminded me of this post. Of the time when God revealed to me what it meant to be a diamond for God. In the midst of all this diamond talk due to weddings and engagements happening all around me... and in the midst of my self-pity sessions wondering why no one deems me worthy of being picked... or deserving of a diamond ring on a finger, God reminds me of His love for me. Some days are harder than others and I think God just wanted to gently nudge me and remind me that putting Him first is NEVER a bad choice. 

So that's my Monday musings over plastic yellow rocks. Hope you all have an awesome week ahead! 

Monday Musings...

I had one of those weekends this past weekends. One of those weekends where you're anxious and there's no right or wrong answer to how you should deal with it. The dilemma of your ex visiting with their spouse. The idea of seeing them was nerve wrecking, what does one do in that situation? It's not that I haven't been in that situation before, and the last time I had to deal with it, God allowed it to unfold in a way beyond my own imagination. Therefore, this weekend must be one of those situations when Jesus looks at me and says "Oh ye of little faith." 

Anyways, this past weekend I had many different encounters. Some encouraging while others infuriating. So I'm gonna borrow a little inspiration from Relevant Magazine. They love doing these "What not to say to a friend ." So I'm gonna do a little what NOT to say to a friend in awkward situations with an ex. It's all in good fun, hope it amuses but encourages at the same time. 

1. Do not assume that your friend is still hung up over that person.
I lost count as to the number of people who told me they were praying for my healing this past weekend. The whole idea of running into an ex and their spouse is anxious enough without everyone hoping that you'll find healing eventually, one day... -__-" In that one well meaning line, you have disregarded all that your friend has gone through in the past x amount of time since the end of the relationship. It's simply an awkward situation and anxiety, in my honest opinion is expected. No matter how over someone you are, it's just mad awkward. Let's remember the feelings of nervousness doesn't stem from still being hung up over the ex. I'm sure memories of old feelings will come up... cause they probably cared deeply for each other, but no need to read too much into the uneasiness that might arise from these memories. 

2. This is not the time to defend your own friendship with the ex.
It's all very well that you may have continued in your friendship with this person, but this isn't the time to defend that friendship. Your friend, on most days don't care that you're still friends with their ex. Be sensitive, an event like this is bound to bring up unpleasant memories that have become dormant and likely unpleasant emotions to go along. As well, all that you liked about their ex as your friend, they probably appreciated it or had an even much more intimate knowledge of those characteristics... that's likely why they were in a romantic relationship in the first place. They know the good and bad... but while you've been able to enjoy the continuance of that friendship with that wonderful person, they have had to sever ties and move on for the health of each other. In most cases, it wasn't just a broken relationship, but the lost of a good friend as well, respect that. 

3. Don't just "check in" via text.
This might be a personal one... but with the increase of ease in communication over social media and with smartphones, a text is so impersonal... I know schedules are busy, and I'm just as guilty of this one myself. Honestly though, there is a huge difference between checking in via text and a phone call. Even bigger... to make that time commitment and spend time with your friend. We constantly forget the importance of human interactions... 10 mins having a short chat with a friend face to face is so much more effective than an hour chat over text. I'm guilty too, and trying to make more effort to call people rather than text, to hangout rather than just text chat. Make an effort to spend time with them, do something fun with them to help them relax and ease their nerves. The more you check-in, the more they'll start thinking that they need to have a crazy break-down. 

This is not an easy situation, but we are probably giving ourselves hard enough of a time. Really, there's no right or wrong. We are bound to make mistakes, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing on both sides. That's the fun of friendship right? We learn together, and at the end of the day, the grace of God covers over us and allows that we continue to love one another. 

Now to break things up, have a laugh.... BEING THIRD WHEEL... story of my life! hahaha :P

Monday Musings...

You know it occurred to me the other day that it has been 9 years since I found myself in the pit that I never thought I'd be able to climb out from. 9 years since I said good-bye to what I was talking about back in this post from 2005. In previous years, I always remember but in the past 2 years I've been so busy in the month of May that it'd just pass by without me even realising it. Perhaps that's what people mean when they say that wounds heal over time.

We sang this song sometime ago - Anchor by Hillsong.

The words are so hard to sing... but yet I know they're true. The words in the bridge are

Your name is higher

Your name is greater

All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing

Your promise unshaken

All my hope is in You

For me, I feel like it takes all the faith I have within me to sing out these words. To stand and proclaim that ALL my hope is in Christ and that His word never failed and His promise will always stand. To say that Christ is the anchor of my soul, the one thing that I can hang onto when all starts to fall apart or away. I know it's true, but right now I'm just having such a hard time living out those words. To live out my life with Christ as my anchor, to live as if no matter what blows my way everything will be okay because all my hope is in God who will never fail me.

But... when I look back on my life. When I look at who I was 9 years ago and who I am today I know that Christ has definitely been the anchor for my soul. If I hadn't been anchored in Him, I would never have made it. I wouldn't be able to be where I am today. I know it is only in my belief that God will never fail me that I was ever able to take steps out in faith. So as I wrestle with God in this season of doubt, or faith crisis or whatever it is I feel like I am wrestling through... I know that I need to hang on to God for dear life because that is the ONE thing that will never let me down. (Even when it doesn't feel like it.... and believe me, it don't feel like it lately.) 

Monday Musings...

Yay! Another entry of Monday Musings... let's see if I can keep this up.

Thank-you to everyone who checked in on me. I'm doing good! :)

Last week was a rather interesting week... very unproductive week... so much work that needs to be done, yet none of it is getting done. Leaving for India on Thursday... but last week I ended up taking up teaching for pre-teens on Friday and as usual lots of prep work to be done for Kids Club on Saturday. So I basically didn't stop until I got to 6pm on Saturday... and I still volunteered to go to Watermark Community Church with the kids on Sunday... AND I stayed for lunch with them and helped take them back to Jordan. I really don't understand why every time I decide to stay for lunch with the kids we are eating McDonald's on the Cyberport podium... -_-"

Regardless... these kids are my saving grace this past weekend. When I see them, I know that I am exactly where God had intended me to be in this season. I see the kids... and their reactions to me and I know that God is in control of my life, and He has crazy plans for me ahead. I know that it is by the grace of God that I get to join the ranks of the few who can say without a doubt that they love their job! On Saturday, we studied the Bible story of the Last Supper... and then we had a time of communion with the kids. It was the cutest thing in the world... and my heart completely melted... God has such a huge heart for these kids... He loves them so much! 

Circumstances may once again be trying to tell me that I have lost and that I am a loser... but lies I rebuke you! I am a daughter of God, and He thinks I'm a winner! At my own advice to a friend.. I'm looking forward... because God does not ask that I spend my time thinking of the what if's and what could have been. He asks me to live in the present... because that is where I can see the gifts that He has prepared for me for THIS season. If I look anywhere else... I will miss out on these... and I don't want to miss out on the things that God has prepared for me! :)

Monday Musings...

I really love having Mondays as my day off... and I really have been meaning to use it as a day to catch up on blogging, but I always get distracted and end up doing something else. Today I had this plan of going out to spend the afternoon doing some school work at the PolyU library... only to find out when I got there that I was missing a critical piece of paper... so studying in library fail! Ended up spending the afternoon sitting outside doing various activities which included reading and some sort of education related activities... amongst many other non-productive activities. Then I decided to go up to CUHK anyways.. I really should get some library time in... to find that the University Library on campus as finished renovations... it looks NICE! hahaha.. so perhaps my undergrad library study habits can come back to life... let's see what happens. :P

Anyways... random day description aside... here's the real meat of what I want to talk about.

Recently, I looked around me and I felt all that surrounded me told me that I had lost. That I had come out the loser in the situation... I seriously felt like everywhere I looked the world was screaming "You're a L-O-S-E-R!" This was not a very good feeling to be feeling... I'm just being honest because I think sometimes I look around and I wonder to myself... "why me? 

I know if I measure by earthly standards, it will always feel like I lost. If I look at the situation and compare myself to others... I always feel like I am lacking... and when I get to that place then I really have lost. I have lost because I have allowed myself to be consumed by my situation and circumstances rather than be lost in God. 

When I turn my eyes back onto God, I know that I have not lost at all. I have gained treasures in heaven which I cannot see with my own eyes, but faith tells me that what I have lost and sacrificed will be redeemed. Even if these things are not redeemed here on earth, they will be redeemed when I go to heaven to spend eternity with my Father. 

My truest measure of knowing that I had not lost... the most tangible evidence in my life... my job... AKA my kids. Everyday when I walk into Jordan and I see the relationships that God has built up in a very short 4 months time... and all that this job has led me to, I KNOW that I have not lost. I know that I get to walk daily in the will of God... that I am exactly where He had intended for me to be in this season.

Life has been hard... but it has been oh so good! :) And to finish off... the song that won't stop playing in my head... but it's GOOD! It's the cry of my heart for my life... hope you make it yours too!