Hump day Happenings....

Goodness gracious.... I can't believe that school is over. I wrote my last exam 2 weeks ago... and that was it. Masters of Social Science in Social Work has come to a completion. 

2 weeks later, I'm a chaos of emotions. I'm happy to be done, but confused out of my mind. I seriously thought that after three years, I would have a better idea of what I would want to do, and where I wanted to head.... but I don't have an answer to everyone's favourite question at the moment... which has been "So what are you gonna do now that you're done school?"

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do now. Right now I just want to work at ICM and see where that leads... which is also strange because I am having such a hard time waking up for work. I was so excited that school was ending and I would no longer have to divide my time between work and school... but now that school has ended I just want to sleep... sleep... and sleep some more. It doesn't help one bit that now school is over, I have not been able to sleep at all! I toss and turn every night... that by the time it comes for waking up for work, I am so grumpy...

So continued that cycle this morning... I couldn't sleep to the point that I finally got out of bed at 5am and took a sleeping pill... which didn't kick in until it was time to wake up for work. So I drag myself out of bed and off to work... And so of course I walk in, to a board room of women reading the Bible and one of them says something about me playing on the band at church Sunday morning... that all turns into asking me to lead them in worship. 

I don't know why I'm being put through the grinder lately... but I also know that I'm almost at complete exhaustion and after that comes burn out. Right now I'm on thin ice, and I don't know what to do about that. I need sleep... but when it's time to sleep I'm not tired.... and when I'm suppose to wake up, I'm exhausted. Perhaps, I'm currently functioning on the wrong time zone... also not helpful... especially when my job involves working with children. Working with children requires too much energy for me to be not sleeping well. 

Perhaps, finishing school has left me with more anxiety than being in school. I guess it'd be a lie if I were to say that I'm not anxious about the future... I do wonder if this is it... and I just work at ICM... with no end in sight. I wonder if this is it... where I really do become a spinster and move in with my other single lady friends.... I wonder if this is it... where the only children I will ever have are spiritual children through my family in Christ. The more I wonder, the more faithless I feel... and at the end of all this wondering... I am left completely defeated. Absolutely... completely... defeated. 

Frig... borderline depression again. Well... let's look at the positive side of things. I.AM.FINISHED.SCHOOL!!!!!! It has not been an easy path since that day I said no more HSBC, I'm gonna pursue social work... to not getting into school... to working at Christian Action... to getting into CUHK... to losing my job at Christian Action... to finding this job at ICM... to finding 2 local placements.... to finally finishing my last exam.... I.MADE.IT!!! So many times I wanted to give up.... and God surrounded me with people to push me to keep going. So... right now gonna hold my head up... and keep ploughing through.... unless someone has a better idea. 

To end off... a song to symbolise the end... to represent graduation.... 

weekend reminders....

from hiking during CNY holidays! :)

It's been awhile since the last post... not for any particular reason. Mostly due to writers block... just haven't been inspired to write. I think some days I'm still recovering from the madness of working and doing my placement hours... that was so incredibly hard and draining on me that I can't find words to describe what a hard time those six months really were.

A couple of things came up this past weekend... things that reminded me of why I'm on the path that I'm on to begin with. The first thing was that "God doesn't need us to be perfect, He just needs us to be broken." Very simply, the name of this blog is "Beauty in the Broken." I know that it is always out of my brokenness that God does the most because He is the most glorified when I am broken. He strength is made perfect in our weakness. So I was reminded that I too come from a place of brokenness, but God didn't leave me in my brokenness. He restored me to wholeness before I was allowed on my way to the better things that He had prepared for me. Therefore, I was reminded that it is okay to be broken. I can allow myself to be broken... I don't have to hide it, nor do I have to avoid it.

The next reminder was "run to something, not away from something." This whole journey started with me running away from something, but that has all been put right. God used my disobedience and turned it into a story for His glory. I no longer have anything to hide from, or to run away from. God proved this so beautifully in my last trip home to Canada. I have also learned that running away from things solves nothing... and running away from God definitely makes nothing better. God wants us to run directly into His arms, He wants us, desires for us to run recklessly abandoned into Him. I've learned that lesson... that my job is to run to Him... so that all I am is abandoned into who He is, because it is in that place that I find rest, and peace... and it is in that place where I need not worry about anything.

The final thing that has been up is a comment that many have been saying to me, and that is "At least you know what your calling is!" I have been finding that comment so funny... because I don't feel like I know what my calling is, or at least I feel like I've lost sight of it. The picture that God gave me seems so murky lately. I think it's mostly because I am finishing up my masters degree soon and I thought that in the past 2.5 years as I have been completing my schooling as God has asked, that He would have made that picture more clear as the time went... or that I'd have a better idea of what I am to be doing once I finish my masters degree in social work. Yet, as the final semester slips away, I am left with no clearer a picture than the first day I started classes at CUHK. Regardless of how murky I feel that my future looks, it's nice to be reminded that God put passions and desires in me, He's also given me many promises that goes along with those passions and desires.  

These are all things that I know... but I needed the reminder. To be reminded once again that not knowing what lies ahead is okay. To know that I am walking towards God and that I need to continue to make Him my focus. The best is to be reminded that God has given me passions and purposes... that this path has not been started in vain, or on reckless decisions, but on  months of wrestling with God and praying and walking with Him before running straight at Him, recklessly abandoning all that makes sense in the worldly realm. At the end of the day... it's okay to be scared, to not know... and it's definitely okay to be completely broken by all that I encounter on a daily basis... When I don't let it break me, I know my heart becomes hard, and I am not soft to move freely in the Spirit with God. When I demand to have a firm grip on my life, and demand to know all the details of that which lies ahead, I'm telling God that I no longer trust Him and that I know better.

You know, life really hasn't been easy... but at the end of the day I trust that God knows that He is doing, so I keep walking. :)

No Regrets

You know, 3 years ago, I was wondering if I should leave my job at HSBC. I was wondering if I could just walk away from my career in banking to pursue a degree in social work. Looking back, I don't think I completely understood what it meant to be a social worker. I felt that it was right... I knew that it was something that God was asking me to pursue... but it wasn't an easy process. This was one of prayers during that time. God had given me a picture of me standing on a cliff at the top of a water fall... and he was asking me to trust Him, and just jump.

"God, I do want to jump, but I'm scared. I want to jump and be free to jump, no life jacket. Free to jump, to just jump and know that I'll be okay when I hit the water at the bottom. I know that if I don't jump, the future will not be what it can be. I need to find the confidence to be able to jump off that rock and into the raging waters. God, show me how to remove the doubts. Do whatever it takes so that I don't have those doubts and so that I can jump without a care. Do whatever you need, because I want to jump, to be free to jump and feel the wind through my hair... I want to live out that picture."

That was one of my favourite times of being in God's presence. It wasn't during a worship service... or even quiet time at home. This was me putting my head down for a nap during lunch time one day at my desk at HSBC. I still remember how real it felt... and how free it felt... it has been the defining moment in my life. It was at that moment that I knew there was not other way. The moment I tasted the freedom of jumping off that cliff in total surrender to God's will and purposes for my life, I knew that there would be no turning back. 

And here I am 3 years later... this morning I sat in the ICM office with Martin. He told me that the choice was mine. Sometimes God opens doors and closes doors, but that he felt that God was telling me that the choice was mine. At that moment, I was reminded of all the times that God had left the choice to me. It flooded me with how much God loves me, delights in me, and trusts me. Time after time, God tells me to choose... and I think He does that because He knows that I'll always choose Him. He knows my heart so well..

Life since jumping off that cliff hasn't been the easiest, but as hard as it has been, it has been worth it. Not getting into school after leaving my job for it was NOT fun... but he rewarded that with my job at Christian Action, which I believe God used to open my eyes and to expand my heart. It was NOT fun when my relationship with best friend broke down... but I know that God was just saving me from further heart break and stress. Having to study my degree in Chinese has been difficult... but God is teaching me that this isn't going to be done on my own abilities but only by leaning on His strength and grace. Not getting to go to Cambodia was a huge disappointment, but I know that God was teaching me to not run away and the beauty of His timing. Not getting to do an overseas placement in Canada, and then finding out that my placement was in a VERY local Hong Kong setting has been really frustrating... but once again... this is about what He wants me to do... and not what I think I can do. Losing my job the way I did left me bitter and jaded... but God was once again just protecting me. He does it out of love. 

So this morning, I once again decided that I want to follow God. I want to follow him into what looks uncertain and scary... because I know that through those doors is something greater that He wants to show me. I won't lie, I'm scared that I'll burn out.. I'm scared that I'll get stressed out... I'm scared of what lies in the next 2 years as finish school and pursue this job at ICM, but my heart is also excited. God said this is my next stepping stone. I wasn't wrong when I started, and I never heard wrong... this is the next step in his preparation work for me, so that I get to go out to the place He will call me to go. 

I know that this won't be getting easier... and it's been lonely. I know that God is walking with me... but it's lonely to walk this by myself feeling like I'm the only one who sees what I see... who feels what I feel... that pain... that brokenness... in the world. But I still refuse to settle... I have never regretted jumping off that cliff, and I still don't. I may be either unemployed or making half of what I could be making at the bank... but the fire in my heart wouldn't be burning as strong as it did now if I had stayed. Even thought it's been hard... being in God's will has been worth. Just knowing that I'm walking with Him has been enough to let me know that jumping was the best decision I've ever made!

Tuesday Tossings...

For awhile now I have been waiting to be sent out to the mission field. It's not that I am refusing to accept my time here in Hong Kong, but I also know that there's more in store for me... and that Hong Kong is not it for me. My circumstances in Hong Kong at the moment had gotten me to the place where I simply became impatient. I was so frustrated with everything I see in front of me that I did want to run away from here. To get away from the things that make me angry, the things that make me upset, the things that I simply could not stand anymore. 

In the midst of all that, God finally gave me a glimpse of hope. Finally an understanding of perhaps why has is keeping me in Hong Kong at this time. Another step towards the destiny that God has called me into... Right now I don't know if this is the reason or not, but all I can do is follow obediently. If the door slams in my face again, I will cry for awhile and then I will get up and keep following. I know that what God has called me to do will not be easy, nor did I sign up for an easy path ahead, so I will shake myself off and continue to follow my God down the hard and narrow road. 

I spent my weekend at the Women on the Frontlines conference. Where the speakers were Heidi Baker, Patricia King and Stacy Campbell. Three women who are doing God's work on the frontlines. I know one day, I too will get to see the things that they shared about, that I too will have my time when I get to go out to the frontlines and see with my own eyes. Until then, God has said be patient. He hasn't forgotten, but the time has not come yet. "Be patient and obedient with what I HAVE placed in front of you and let me take care of the rest" says God. So right now all I can do is be patient... not something I am good at, but by His love and grace I will do my best.  

Frustrations...

I was thinking about how lucky I am to have grown up in North America today... and especially to have grown up in Alberta... and even Edmonton at that.  Somehow that upbringing puts division between other Hong Kong people and myself. This, I hate. I dislike that some look to me in admiration thinking that I am of a different social class because I had the good fortune to grow up overseas and am fluent in English. Then there is the group of the opposite who seem to look at with scorn because of my western background and treat me like I'm a horrible person out to make them look bad. To be very honest, this is one reason why I don't want to work in a local setting.

That's not what got me to start thinking though. I was thinking about this because I was asked about career planning today. It breaks my heart that 17, 18 year old young people feel the pressure to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I remember being their age and being completely lost and not really knowing what I wanted out of life. I had this crazy dream of becoming a pediatrician, which quickly faded when my marks in life sciences related courses were so bad! But regardless, that was what university was for... exploration! I had the freedom to go from dreaming of a career as a doctor, then in neuroscience, then forensics, then actuarial sciences... and at the end of it came out of university with a bachelor of science in mathematics and mathematical sciences. Which followed with my starting work in banking... and x number of years later, here I am unemployed and studying my masters in social work! What a journey it has been! 

Then again... before even getting there, I had the freedom to apply for universities as I pleased. There was never a real fear that I wouldn't get into ANY university... I don't understand Hong Kong's students fear of not being able to fight for a spot in the universities in Hong Kong. If you were an honours student... you were most likely gonna get in. Then again, there was no perception that if you didn't get into university, you'd be a failure. The stigma of going in a trade... or community college is not has bad as it is here in Hong Kong. I had okay marks, and had the freedom of applying to any university within Canada... and even wrote my SATs so that I could apply for schools in the US... but that's a whole 'nother story. 

It just breaks my heart that these young people are so anxious and stressed out about this. That they're so worried about filling in their university application wrong and making a mistake that will affect them for the rest of their lives. That is some crazy pressure! There seems to be no flexibility. Perhaps, it's also because I come from parents who either a) didn't get to go to university or b) went to university but decided to change career paths after working in that field... so I have the fortune of having parents who have given me a lot of freedom to make decisions and change my mind. 

Sure... I had friends who knew what they wanted to do at the age of 14... but they were few and rare. Most of them were just as lost and confused as I was. I wish I could tell them to just pursue the things on their hearts... but I'm afraid of getting angry phone calls from various parents complaining about "bad" advice I was giving to their children. *sigh* We'll see... I'm just gonna trust that God will give me the right words to share when I talk to these kids. 

On other things... my dream is so close. It's actually within grasp... but I believe I am the one who needs to step out to open the door to reach for it. Right now I'm just starring at the door and wondering if I even want to walk through it... if that door is even suppose to be for me. Everything that I had been walking towards... well... the ONE thing that I was walking towards since I took that plunge into the raging waterfalls with God back in 2009... it's so close. It wasn't what I thought it would look like, but it's pretty darn crazy... and it's exactly one of the things which have been on my heart! Now if only I had the courage to take that step out...

 

Waiting.. deserts.. and other things...

So... I have returned from the Adventures of Us - Down Under Edition. I've returned drained... and as RQ would say... rather chilled and mellowed out. 

Many thoughts plague me as I stepped off the plane. I return with a heavy heart and clouded mind... haunted by the feelings and thoughts that I once had so long ago... tired of the mental battle within myself that I'm changed... that I'm stronger... that I'm a new creation. 

Perhaps somethings never change... perhaps some gaps can't be bridged... or perhaps that gap has simply widened over time and distance. Whatever the reason, the distance remains. But it is not this gap not distance that I want to talk about... but what has remained within me after so many years.

Words of death... I now realize why I've developed such negative speech patterns... such demeaning speech patterns. I'm sorry. God and I are gonna work on that one... failed today already. *sigh*

My 3's a crowd mentality... let's not even get started on that one. Definitely wanna kick this one to the curb.

So many destructive thinking patterns brought up in the past couple of weeks... thank goodness God calls me a work in progress..

Reflections aside... I feel my God is asking me to continue waiting. I'm not really sure what it is that I am suppose to be waiting for me... I have some guesses... but that is not important because it's not really about waiting for something... at the end of the day, it's all about waiting for God. So He has asked me to wait patiently for Him to do His thing. 

So why the picture above? Hahaha... which is not really something someone says to someone who is waiting. I need to not waste another minute avoiding this lesson, or period of waiting... or time in the desert that God is trying to take me into. 

My thoughts are all over the place... basically... a time of waiting is before me... and I'm being reluctant to enter it... because waiting is hard for me.  But I will go knowing that He has gone before me to prepare this place for me.

 

Almost to the end... or the beginning of something new :)

So... some questions I've been asked a lot in the past month is:
1. So, now what?
2. How are you feeling?
3. Are you worried?

Rather than trying to answer these questions a bazillion times (I'm so loved! :P) I'm going to just blog this, ok?

Let's start with how I'm feeling, which will be tied together with "Are you worried?" Someone gave me a verse... and I think it is a good representation of how I am feeling.

"And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earhtly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:7, The Amplified

I am at peace with what is going on in my regarding this area of work. Yes, I may have lost my job, and don't have a next step ready. But I am quite at peace about it. I'm not really anxious or worried. My God has shown up time and time again to show me that He is Jehovah Jireh. God is the one who gave me this job that I have lost... and before I lost my job, He reminded me that even if I were to lose this job, it would be by His hand. He would have allowed it because He is in control... therefore He must have a reason and purpose for it. So I trust that my God is up to something, and all that is left for me to do at this time is to seek Him! I am excited, because no work means I get to spend time with God! :)

When this verse was given to me, I was actually reminded of another verse that comes before this. 

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." ~ Philippians 4:4-6 (ESV)

Someone one wrote me an email about this verse awhile ago... the peace comes from knowing and being confident in knowing that "the Lord is at hand." The idea that God is there, He is not far... He is ready to fight for me... Whenever I get nervous or scared, I just have to reach out my hand, and He will be right there. The email comes with a really happy and cute picture... and it was a good reminder for me. :) 

Having said all that, so now what? Honestly, I don't know. Right now, at least for the next 5 days I will be busy paper writing for my last 2 papers... to finish of Year 1 of my degree! Then spend some time meeting up and catching up with people, as well as spending some time asking, seeking and knocking with God. Then... it's off to Australia for 3 weeks to spend some quality time with my 2 bestests from good ol' E-town! Placement will commence within 2 weeks of my return... and we will see what God has revealed by then to give you a further update on what I will be doing next.

I don't know what's next, but I'm excited about it. God has been speaking alot... confirming alot... or just reassuring a lot. I know that this next season might not be easy... but He has been reminding me that His ways are higher than mine, and His way is ALWAYS worth it! So with that as my anchor, I will keep walking into the murky waters knowing that my God loves me and that because He gave up His life for me... all that I may encounter will be worth it!  

So I am doing very well, thank-you for asking. :)