Monday Musings...

Wow... I don't think I have posted all summer... how bad am I at this??

So I spent most of September in Canada... living off a blow up mattress in Vron's living room. It was absolutely amazing because it was exactly what I needed. To get out of Hong Kong where I find myself constantly wound up like a rubber band gun... ready to shoot when the trigger is released... Anyways, can share more about that later. 

This past Saturday was my first day back at work... and first full day of being back at our newly renovated centre! Praise Jesus! The place looks absolutely fantastic! I was jetlagged... I was under prepared... but it felt right to be back. Near the end of Kids Club, some of the youth girls walked in along with a younger sibling in tow. The younger sibling is a little girl who I've had the honour of getting closer to over my past (almost) 2 years here at this job. She's the sweetest girl ever. She comes in, I say hi and she dumps this piece of clear plastic into my hand and we exchange the below lines:

little girl: It's for you.
me: What is it?
little girl: It's a diamond!
me: Aww... it's even yellow, my favourite colour. Thanks.

To be honest, it looks like those plastic rocks you put at the bottom of a fish tank. It also wouldn't be the first time that one of my kids walks in and hands me garbage with the description of it being a gift for me. Yet, at that moment I felt like a queen. Sure it wasn't a real yellow diamond, but this little girl deemed me worthy of receiving a diamond! 

Despite the silliness of all this, it reminded me of this post. Of the time when God revealed to me what it meant to be a diamond for God. In the midst of all this diamond talk due to weddings and engagements happening all around me... and in the midst of my self-pity sessions wondering why no one deems me worthy of being picked... or deserving of a diamond ring on a finger, God reminds me of His love for me. Some days are harder than others and I think God just wanted to gently nudge me and remind me that putting Him first is NEVER a bad choice. 

So that's my Monday musings over plastic yellow rocks. Hope you all have an awesome week ahead! 

Monday Musings...

You know it occurred to me the other day that it has been 9 years since I found myself in the pit that I never thought I'd be able to climb out from. 9 years since I said good-bye to what I was talking about back in this post from 2005. In previous years, I always remember but in the past 2 years I've been so busy in the month of May that it'd just pass by without me even realising it. Perhaps that's what people mean when they say that wounds heal over time.

We sang this song sometime ago - Anchor by Hillsong.

The words are so hard to sing... but yet I know they're true. The words in the bridge are

Your name is higher

Your name is greater

All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing

Your promise unshaken

All my hope is in You

For me, I feel like it takes all the faith I have within me to sing out these words. To stand and proclaim that ALL my hope is in Christ and that His word never failed and His promise will always stand. To say that Christ is the anchor of my soul, the one thing that I can hang onto when all starts to fall apart or away. I know it's true, but right now I'm just having such a hard time living out those words. To live out my life with Christ as my anchor, to live as if no matter what blows my way everything will be okay because all my hope is in God who will never fail me.

But... when I look back on my life. When I look at who I was 9 years ago and who I am today I know that Christ has definitely been the anchor for my soul. If I hadn't been anchored in Him, I would never have made it. I wouldn't be able to be where I am today. I know it is only in my belief that God will never fail me that I was ever able to take steps out in faith. So as I wrestle with God in this season of doubt, or faith crisis or whatever it is I feel like I am wrestling through... I know that I need to hang on to God for dear life because that is the ONE thing that will never let me down. (Even when it doesn't feel like it.... and believe me, it don't feel like it lately.) 

Restless? Or something else....

Several years ago, I read this in Wild at Heart...

'Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.' Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. 'When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.' Now every daughter of Eve wants to 'control her surrounding, her relationships, her God.' No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. 'In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate so we don't feel so defenceless.' Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

I thought I understood this passage when it read it the first time... but I don't think I was truly in a place where I thought God was withholding from me. Lately... I get it. 

To end with this song from Kari Jobe....

Hump day Happenings....

Goodness gracious.... I can't believe that school is over. I wrote my last exam 2 weeks ago... and that was it. Masters of Social Science in Social Work has come to a completion. 

2 weeks later, I'm a chaos of emotions. I'm happy to be done, but confused out of my mind. I seriously thought that after three years, I would have a better idea of what I would want to do, and where I wanted to head.... but I don't have an answer to everyone's favourite question at the moment... which has been "So what are you gonna do now that you're done school?"

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do now. Right now I just want to work at ICM and see where that leads... which is also strange because I am having such a hard time waking up for work. I was so excited that school was ending and I would no longer have to divide my time between work and school... but now that school has ended I just want to sleep... sleep... and sleep some more. It doesn't help one bit that now school is over, I have not been able to sleep at all! I toss and turn every night... that by the time it comes for waking up for work, I am so grumpy...

So continued that cycle this morning... I couldn't sleep to the point that I finally got out of bed at 5am and took a sleeping pill... which didn't kick in until it was time to wake up for work. So I drag myself out of bed and off to work... And so of course I walk in, to a board room of women reading the Bible and one of them says something about me playing on the band at church Sunday morning... that all turns into asking me to lead them in worship. 

I don't know why I'm being put through the grinder lately... but I also know that I'm almost at complete exhaustion and after that comes burn out. Right now I'm on thin ice, and I don't know what to do about that. I need sleep... but when it's time to sleep I'm not tired.... and when I'm suppose to wake up, I'm exhausted. Perhaps, I'm currently functioning on the wrong time zone... also not helpful... especially when my job involves working with children. Working with children requires too much energy for me to be not sleeping well. 

Perhaps, finishing school has left me with more anxiety than being in school. I guess it'd be a lie if I were to say that I'm not anxious about the future... I do wonder if this is it... and I just work at ICM... with no end in sight. I wonder if this is it... where I really do become a spinster and move in with my other single lady friends.... I wonder if this is it... where the only children I will ever have are spiritual children through my family in Christ. The more I wonder, the more faithless I feel... and at the end of all this wondering... I am left completely defeated. Absolutely... completely... defeated. 

Frig... borderline depression again. Well... let's look at the positive side of things. I.AM.FINISHED.SCHOOL!!!!!! It has not been an easy path since that day I said no more HSBC, I'm gonna pursue social work... to not getting into school... to working at Christian Action... to getting into CUHK... to losing my job at Christian Action... to finding this job at ICM... to finding 2 local placements.... to finally finishing my last exam.... I.MADE.IT!!! So many times I wanted to give up.... and God surrounded me with people to push me to keep going. So... right now gonna hold my head up... and keep ploughing through.... unless someone has a better idea. 

To end off... a song to symbolise the end... to represent graduation.... 

Love wasn't ever meant to be easy....

This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...

"What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life, 

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if the trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story

I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago. 

I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.

But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart. 

The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard. 

God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...

Monday Musings....

After I ended placement the other Friday... it was back to back Christmas parties on the Saturday... these are some of my favourites from that day! I love taking pictures of the kids, sometimes it's so hard to capture them in that one moment of joy... or just in that moment... but when you can capture it... the emotions behind it is so fun to look at... cause it's so pure! 

I can't believe that 2013 is coming to an end already.... in so many ways, I feel like the year just started not very long ago! These kids... and some more have been front and centre of 2013 for me. They have consumed me like nothing else has and I have allowed it to happen almost with no reservation. There is no denying that they have been my saving grace this past year, I have learned so much about myself in them and through them. As 2013, through every frustration... through every down moment... through every happy moment... when I see these kids, I am reminded that God has been in each and every single moment. It was God who has brought me thus far... and from here He will continue to take me to everywhere else He intends for me to venture.

Let's not even pretend like 2013 hasn't been a rough year... but with stretching comes growth, right? With growth comes maturity... so it is on the hope that I have grown and matured this past year that I look forward to a new year. A new year with new challenges, new lessons, and new adventures to be discovered. I'm kinda looking forward to 2013 being over... and definitely looking forward to another year with these monkeys! They frustrate me so much at times... but at the end... it's not them so much as the circumstances and situations that surround them and other things that make me mad... and the truth is that I only get frustrated because I love each and every single one of these monkeys so much... simply because God loves each and everyone of them so much.... and as I learn to love as Christ loves them... I simply want the best for them. :)

I feel like in all this God is stretching the mother's heart in me... and some days it feels like I'm learning that even if the only children I will ever have are spiritual ones through the family of Christ... maybe it will be okay. I'm just being honest... I still would like my own family but if that never happens... maybe it will be okay too. I have a huge spiritual family with lots of children that need to be loved.... and in Christ, He is always enough.  

Monday Musings...

It's been awhile since I've done my Monday Musings blog... so I thought I'd sit down and do one today.

So I just sat down and read this article. 

I found it quite interesting. What I really enjoyed was her Henri Nouwen quote. 

“In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me—naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken—nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude—a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work and my distractions, so I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.”

I too feat that nothingness. It's a scary place to be in... but I found this quote resounds so clearly the thoughts and feelings during my 6 month period of unemployment. I know that being unemployed for 6 months compared to some of my friends who have been unemployed for much longer periods, but we're not talking about them and their experiences at the moment, I'm sharing with you what I was feeling during those six months. 

It's really scary to be in that nothingness... but like the article says... that means we have put our value in what we do. Yet, I am not defined by my job at Christian Action, I'm not defined by my being a social worker student... I do not find worth in being a placement student with the Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups, and my new job at ICM does not once again return me to being a person of value. My value has and always will be that I'm a daughter of God.

I fight with this daily... that I am a person of value in the eyes of my Father in heaven. I'm not defined by the ways I serve or don't serve in church. I'm not a valued as a worker by the number of hours I put into work... None of that matters at the end of the day. God is the one to whom I must report to... and at the end of the day He's simply gonna ask me if I had been obedient to what He had called me to do. Which brings me to my next thought...

In the past while it had been brought to my attention that one of my gifts is faith... faith in God, in things... in people. I believe in things no one else of a normal mind would believe in. Prior to this, I thought I was just good at forgiving... letting go of past offences... (sometimes it takes longer than others... but eventually I get there) This past Sunday, someone prayed into me that God has gifted me with love. That He had equipped me with the ability to love supernaturally... to love beyond human understanding and reasoning... to love those who had hurt me... 

It was like a light suddenly turned on in my head. As it says in 1 Corinthians "...and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have no love, I am nothing." Despite that I hadn't really been paying attention while we've been doing this Gifts of Grace series... God still spoke. Hahaha... All of it is only possible because I love. I have faith in things because I love... and ultimately because God loves me! 

The second part was "Don't give up... God knows that it's been hard to love, but you can't give up loving those He had called you to love." It was like the flood gates had opened... I had been waiting so long... for that touch of God... for Him to show me that He's been hearing my cries... my pleas... my aching. I've been wanting to give up so bad... to just run away and hide in a hole... to not care about anything else anymore. 

It's been an interesting time... but I know this also isn't the end but just the beginning of God doing something inside of me. And as much as I want to run and hide from it, I know that the only thing that I can do is accept it and just let God do as He pleases in my life so that I can enter into the better that He has in store for me. 

No Regrets

You know, 3 years ago, I was wondering if I should leave my job at HSBC. I was wondering if I could just walk away from my career in banking to pursue a degree in social work. Looking back, I don't think I completely understood what it meant to be a social worker. I felt that it was right... I knew that it was something that God was asking me to pursue... but it wasn't an easy process. This was one of prayers during that time. God had given me a picture of me standing on a cliff at the top of a water fall... and he was asking me to trust Him, and just jump.

"God, I do want to jump, but I'm scared. I want to jump and be free to jump, no life jacket. Free to jump, to just jump and know that I'll be okay when I hit the water at the bottom. I know that if I don't jump, the future will not be what it can be. I need to find the confidence to be able to jump off that rock and into the raging waters. God, show me how to remove the doubts. Do whatever it takes so that I don't have those doubts and so that I can jump without a care. Do whatever you need, because I want to jump, to be free to jump and feel the wind through my hair... I want to live out that picture."

That was one of my favourite times of being in God's presence. It wasn't during a worship service... or even quiet time at home. This was me putting my head down for a nap during lunch time one day at my desk at HSBC. I still remember how real it felt... and how free it felt... it has been the defining moment in my life. It was at that moment that I knew there was not other way. The moment I tasted the freedom of jumping off that cliff in total surrender to God's will and purposes for my life, I knew that there would be no turning back. 

And here I am 3 years later... this morning I sat in the ICM office with Martin. He told me that the choice was mine. Sometimes God opens doors and closes doors, but that he felt that God was telling me that the choice was mine. At that moment, I was reminded of all the times that God had left the choice to me. It flooded me with how much God loves me, delights in me, and trusts me. Time after time, God tells me to choose... and I think He does that because He knows that I'll always choose Him. He knows my heart so well..

Life since jumping off that cliff hasn't been the easiest, but as hard as it has been, it has been worth it. Not getting into school after leaving my job for it was NOT fun... but he rewarded that with my job at Christian Action, which I believe God used to open my eyes and to expand my heart. It was NOT fun when my relationship with best friend broke down... but I know that God was just saving me from further heart break and stress. Having to study my degree in Chinese has been difficult... but God is teaching me that this isn't going to be done on my own abilities but only by leaning on His strength and grace. Not getting to go to Cambodia was a huge disappointment, but I know that God was teaching me to not run away and the beauty of His timing. Not getting to do an overseas placement in Canada, and then finding out that my placement was in a VERY local Hong Kong setting has been really frustrating... but once again... this is about what He wants me to do... and not what I think I can do. Losing my job the way I did left me bitter and jaded... but God was once again just protecting me. He does it out of love. 

So this morning, I once again decided that I want to follow God. I want to follow him into what looks uncertain and scary... because I know that through those doors is something greater that He wants to show me. I won't lie, I'm scared that I'll burn out.. I'm scared that I'll get stressed out... I'm scared of what lies in the next 2 years as finish school and pursue this job at ICM, but my heart is also excited. God said this is my next stepping stone. I wasn't wrong when I started, and I never heard wrong... this is the next step in his preparation work for me, so that I get to go out to the place He will call me to go. 

I know that this won't be getting easier... and it's been lonely. I know that God is walking with me... but it's lonely to walk this by myself feeling like I'm the only one who sees what I see... who feels what I feel... that pain... that brokenness... in the world. But I still refuse to settle... I have never regretted jumping off that cliff, and I still don't. I may be either unemployed or making half of what I could be making at the bank... but the fire in my heart wouldn't be burning as strong as it did now if I had stayed. Even thought it's been hard... being in God's will has been worth. Just knowing that I'm walking with Him has been enough to let me know that jumping was the best decision I've ever made!

Returned from Seoul Searching... :)

  

Well... Korea has come and gone. Here are some pics from my phone.... the ones on the camera will be posted when I have time to go through them... :P 

This was the verse that kept coming up time and time again during my time in Korea and even before Korea:

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks received, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" ~ Matthew 7:7-11

So... before going to Korea, one of the things that were heavy on my mind was the high abortion rate. I've known this for awhile, and have been quite interested in Korea ever since I heard it. So as I was planning my trip, this was something that was on my heart. I didn't want to go to Korea to just... well... eat and shop. Well... I did want to eat lots, but less so shopping, but was wondering and asking God what He wanted me to do. Why He was asking me to go to Korea at this time. I didn't know what I could possibly do while I was in Korea since I knew nothing about the place.. and nothing of their language... (other than random phrases and food names..)

Well... when God is in control, God is really in control. On Thursday night, we went to this Harp and Bowl Prayer House thing... and during intercession time, the girl announces that "Tonight, we will be praying for abortions in Korea." I was completely broken... completely floored, and completely overwhelmed by how much my God loves me! If there had been any doubt in my mind that God had brought me to Korea... I was no longer doubting. When you ask God to help your unbelief... He really does!

But God doesn't stop there... He keeps going. Good Friday service... a message about the bondage of pornography, sex trafficking, sex trade, abortion, sexual immorality... materalism... God is opening my eyes and heart to the issues that I care about within the Korean context. Why? I don't know... but I've been completely blown out of the water by the way He has orchestrated every single min of my trip!

Ahhh... I wish I could write out every single detail and thought that crossed my mind during this trip, but I cannot. Hahaha... that might take way too long! One thing I can share is that I left feeling full of hope and full of joy that my God knows what He is doing. Despite my circumstances, I know that my God is good... and that He is in control! :) So... I believe this next season will be one of asking, seeking and knocking... and doors WILL open... confirmations will be given!

So... the feeling of anticipation of these crazy things to come continues! :) God is so so so good!

Fruit in unexpected places...

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.'" ~ 1 Corinthians 1: 26-31

Recently, God used a time when I was so broken and dead on the inside to bring me to my knees in humility. Or perhaps He just wanted to drive a point home... which was no matter what state I am in, if I am obedient, He will use me to bring Him glory. 

Back in 2007... a year which is full of much frustration for me, I was helping out at my home church every Friday night at our high school fellowship. (AKA Petros). Don't miss the point, I loved those kids... each and everyone of them. I had a lot of fun with them... but I also knew that I wasn't investing as much time and effort... and basically myself as I would've liked... always leaving me to wonder if my presense even had much impact on them. Because I was still in a place of a lot of hurt... I wasn't quite as transparent with them as I would've liked... and therefore resulting in a wall between us.

Awhile back, one of those kiddies got in contact with me. (I guess they're not really kiddies, since they're all in university now..) I was floored to read her message. I think it actually made me cry. Hahaha.... :P I never knew that I had any impact on them... but I guess now I know. And recently I found out that she went and took mystory (the video from several months ago) and had shared it. Hahaha... I am humbled. Because that was not me... the only way I could have left any impact or impression upon those kiddies was if God had done it. 

Sometimes God gets me to do things which makes no sense to me at the time... but later (and sometimes it's years later) God reveals the reason. I think this is God's way to encouraging me and remind me that no matter how much something doesn't make sense, God had purposed it and it will all be for His glory. And it will all make sense... eventually.

Thank-you God. You are so awesome!  

The Journal Entries... 2

August 30th, 2011
I was at Kingdom Culture with Kris Vallotton and he said "Your destiny relies on your history, testimony and prophecy."

I wrote: ... then perhaps one day there will be a generation where boys and girls are both confident in their relationships with Christ that they can love each other as brothers and sisters in the way that God had intended.

...

God I will continue to trust that you will continue to lead me to where I need to go. I'm still at CKM for a reason and you let me get into CUHK for a reason. So I will wait to see what your purpose for making me do school this way is. I want to be that light that people had prophesized over me. Help me to be that light.
 
August 30th, 2010
"Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives makes no sense to unbelievers." ~ Francis Chan from Crazy Love

August 30th, 2009

"So we set our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18

And then God said: You said you wanted eternal joy and not temporary/momentary happiness, here is the answer. You want to see heaven on earth? Then keep traveling on the road less traveled. You wanted to know the desires of my heart. To break your heart with the things that break my heart. I didn't give you a passion to have you work a cushy well praying job within HSBC risk management. That HSBC door was opened because it was the only way you would come all the way back to Hong Kong at that time. But what are you doing now? Do you want to waste another 10-20 years before you'll answer my calling for your life? Great things require great sacrifice.

Trust me. Just trust me and take the plunge into the raging river.