B*tching at it's Finest... :P

It's been awhile... and it's been a frustrating couple of weeks... to say the least.

You know for someone who has failed a class before and still managed to graduate from university with a somewhat respectable degree, you'd think that I'd have developed enough faith to believe that God will get me through my graduate program. Yet, I'm still constantly terrified that I will fail. I've once again let the expectations of school cause me to loose sleep, and health because of anxiety. I can't sleep because I go to sleep thinking of all the things that can go wrong at placement... and then I dream about all the ways I will fail and the terrible feedback. I am letting my worth be dictate by the feedback that I receive from my supervisor and my team leader at placement. Let's just say... the bad probably out weight the good... and therefore I'm constantly on the edge... and what's worse... I think it's just made dread going into that place all the more. 

No matter how hard I try... I will never truly be local Hong Kong. I just don't have that within me. I don't understand the local education system... I don't understand the pressures that local students face, I just don't. I crack under the pressure they face... I constantly think that had I stayed in Hong Kong, I most likely would be among the statistics of students who committed suicide. You know what I find the hardest? It's the fact that they seem to believe that improvement will come from scolding and negative feedback. Except... the more negative feedback I receive... the more I resent them... and the further I wish to pull away. I'm not built that way. I strive in positive environments where I am nurtured through encouragement and positive feedback. I'm not saying that I can do no wrong.... but when I already feel bad for not meeting my own ridiculous high expectations of myself it only further makes me feel worse about myself than I already do.

Blah... I think most of the time I feel terrible at this placement because I haven't put in as much effort as I can. To put more effort in would be suicide... or at least social suicide. I guess after last year's attempt at hermiting during last year's placement, I do not wish a repeat of the psychological damage I suffered after a lack of social interaction with others. At least last year I had a partner at placement, and seemed to have mingled better with other members of staff... this year I feel so disjointed and disconnected from the other members of staff, and I have no partner. It's been a friggin' lonely 5 months at placement.... and I'm finally down to the last 5 weeks! 

At the end of the day... anxiety is running high... I'm losing sleep... I feel sluggish due to a lack of exercise... I feel disconnected from people because I hermit most days with my laptop... as I am doing at the moment... and well... I just all around feel like crap. There I said it. I.feel.like.CRAP. I feel like nothing I do at placement has been good enough... yet I sometimes wonder how they can expect me to be as good as they are when they have so many more years of experience than I do... school courses are useless in teaching me the "skills" I'm suppose to be have acquired... as was my last placement. BLAH! And this is where I once again go down the train of thought that wonders "WTF didn't I apply to school back in Canada????" 

Oh well... what's done is done. The truth is, the degree is almost over regardless of how I feel about it now. Just gotta suck it in and deal with all that frustrates me about the program. I'm sure there is a good reason for why I had to endure all this... I just don't see it at the moment because I'm so blinded by my own frustration and anxiety. 

Okay... ranting complete. Gonna call it an early-ish night and get more work done when I wake up.  

Monday Morning Musings...

This past weekend, God showed me just how much He had back. He completely cushioned a fatal blow from the enemy so that on what had been intended to ruin my birthday was completely minimised and all I knew and felt was the love of some of my closest friends. All I could hear in my head as I went to sleep last night was "What you had intended for harm, God intended it for good." So this morning, I looked up where that was from, because I couldn't remember. It was from Genesis when Joseph was talking to his brothers about what they had done to him. Joseph was full of nothing but forgiveness towards his brothers because he know God... and he stood confident in that. So through the overflow of God in him, he could overflow that into his brothers... who had been so cruel to him.  

"Don't be afraid. Am i in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is not being done, the saving of many lives." ~ Genesis 50:19-20

This morning, I am drawing strength from the example of Joseph and from God himself. I don't know if there are intentions of trying to hurt me or disrespect me... but it doesn't matter because God loves me... and even though I don't want to... I will choose to forgive and stay within the will of my Papa in heaven. He has promised me that all things are for the good of those who He love and called. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

There is a part of me that wishes nothing but to point a finger and laugh... and say "in your face!" But... I won't... I will leave that to God to show you. Through this all, I know that God is looking out for me, that he is protecting me... protecting my heart... and I have nothing to fear.  

So... today as I turn the big 3-0... I will standing confident in who God has made me to be. I will choose God today, and everyday. Thanks so much to everyone who came out yesterday to celebrate with me! It was truly a blessed day! I am so thankful for each and every friend that God has given to me while I've been in Hong Kong. Your love was felt... and I feel very very lucky indeed. 

"Duckie, you're really quite lucky. ... YUP, YUP, YUP!!!!"

I will stand firm...

Lol! This made me laugh... because I say "I"m just being honest" alot... does that make me a jerk?? OH NO!!!

On other things.. been an extremely frustrating day... but I think the enemy is trying really hard to take me off course. Like REALLY hard! So many things coming my way... which means I really need to get off my arse and make it to EMP and PRAY for the new season ahead. Pray for work... pray for everything that is in my life... and all that has not arrived yet. 

I walked back and forth the CU campus... not once... but TWICE... I went to one building... walked to another.. back to that same building... and then back to that other building... twice!!! TWICE!! And it's so disgustingly humid outside... not impressed.

Disunity in the workplace... or trying to cause disunity in the workplace... so I shall ignore what sounded like discouragement... and continue to do my job. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Another job with more money... trying to give me significance where I had craved significance before?? I'm flattered... and tempted... but I said no. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Need to further ground myself in God... and to remove the things that not belong in my life. Victory is already mine through Christ. So I will claim that... need to claim that... must claim that and stop losing... Prayers much appreciated!