Hump day Happenings....

Goodness gracious.... I can't believe that school is over. I wrote my last exam 2 weeks ago... and that was it. Masters of Social Science in Social Work has come to a completion. 

2 weeks later, I'm a chaos of emotions. I'm happy to be done, but confused out of my mind. I seriously thought that after three years, I would have a better idea of what I would want to do, and where I wanted to head.... but I don't have an answer to everyone's favourite question at the moment... which has been "So what are you gonna do now that you're done school?"

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do now. Right now I just want to work at ICM and see where that leads... which is also strange because I am having such a hard time waking up for work. I was so excited that school was ending and I would no longer have to divide my time between work and school... but now that school has ended I just want to sleep... sleep... and sleep some more. It doesn't help one bit that now school is over, I have not been able to sleep at all! I toss and turn every night... that by the time it comes for waking up for work, I am so grumpy...

So continued that cycle this morning... I couldn't sleep to the point that I finally got out of bed at 5am and took a sleeping pill... which didn't kick in until it was time to wake up for work. So I drag myself out of bed and off to work... And so of course I walk in, to a board room of women reading the Bible and one of them says something about me playing on the band at church Sunday morning... that all turns into asking me to lead them in worship. 

I don't know why I'm being put through the grinder lately... but I also know that I'm almost at complete exhaustion and after that comes burn out. Right now I'm on thin ice, and I don't know what to do about that. I need sleep... but when it's time to sleep I'm not tired.... and when I'm suppose to wake up, I'm exhausted. Perhaps, I'm currently functioning on the wrong time zone... also not helpful... especially when my job involves working with children. Working with children requires too much energy for me to be not sleeping well. 

Perhaps, finishing school has left me with more anxiety than being in school. I guess it'd be a lie if I were to say that I'm not anxious about the future... I do wonder if this is it... and I just work at ICM... with no end in sight. I wonder if this is it... where I really do become a spinster and move in with my other single lady friends.... I wonder if this is it... where the only children I will ever have are spiritual children through my family in Christ. The more I wonder, the more faithless I feel... and at the end of all this wondering... I am left completely defeated. Absolutely... completely... defeated. 

Frig... borderline depression again. Well... let's look at the positive side of things. I.AM.FINISHED.SCHOOL!!!!!! It has not been an easy path since that day I said no more HSBC, I'm gonna pursue social work... to not getting into school... to working at Christian Action... to getting into CUHK... to losing my job at Christian Action... to finding this job at ICM... to finding 2 local placements.... to finally finishing my last exam.... I.MADE.IT!!! So many times I wanted to give up.... and God surrounded me with people to push me to keep going. So... right now gonna hold my head up... and keep ploughing through.... unless someone has a better idea. 

To end off... a song to symbolise the end... to represent graduation.... 

weekend reminders....

from hiking during CNY holidays! :)

It's been awhile since the last post... not for any particular reason. Mostly due to writers block... just haven't been inspired to write. I think some days I'm still recovering from the madness of working and doing my placement hours... that was so incredibly hard and draining on me that I can't find words to describe what a hard time those six months really were.

A couple of things came up this past weekend... things that reminded me of why I'm on the path that I'm on to begin with. The first thing was that "God doesn't need us to be perfect, He just needs us to be broken." Very simply, the name of this blog is "Beauty in the Broken." I know that it is always out of my brokenness that God does the most because He is the most glorified when I am broken. He strength is made perfect in our weakness. So I was reminded that I too come from a place of brokenness, but God didn't leave me in my brokenness. He restored me to wholeness before I was allowed on my way to the better things that He had prepared for me. Therefore, I was reminded that it is okay to be broken. I can allow myself to be broken... I don't have to hide it, nor do I have to avoid it.

The next reminder was "run to something, not away from something." This whole journey started with me running away from something, but that has all been put right. God used my disobedience and turned it into a story for His glory. I no longer have anything to hide from, or to run away from. God proved this so beautifully in my last trip home to Canada. I have also learned that running away from things solves nothing... and running away from God definitely makes nothing better. God wants us to run directly into His arms, He wants us, desires for us to run recklessly abandoned into Him. I've learned that lesson... that my job is to run to Him... so that all I am is abandoned into who He is, because it is in that place that I find rest, and peace... and it is in that place where I need not worry about anything.

The final thing that has been up is a comment that many have been saying to me, and that is "At least you know what your calling is!" I have been finding that comment so funny... because I don't feel like I know what my calling is, or at least I feel like I've lost sight of it. The picture that God gave me seems so murky lately. I think it's mostly because I am finishing up my masters degree soon and I thought that in the past 2.5 years as I have been completing my schooling as God has asked, that He would have made that picture more clear as the time went... or that I'd have a better idea of what I am to be doing once I finish my masters degree in social work. Yet, as the final semester slips away, I am left with no clearer a picture than the first day I started classes at CUHK. Regardless of how murky I feel that my future looks, it's nice to be reminded that God put passions and desires in me, He's also given me many promises that goes along with those passions and desires.  

These are all things that I know... but I needed the reminder. To be reminded once again that not knowing what lies ahead is okay. To know that I am walking towards God and that I need to continue to make Him my focus. The best is to be reminded that God has given me passions and purposes... that this path has not been started in vain, or on reckless decisions, but on  months of wrestling with God and praying and walking with Him before running straight at Him, recklessly abandoning all that makes sense in the worldly realm. At the end of the day... it's okay to be scared, to not know... and it's definitely okay to be completely broken by all that I encounter on a daily basis... When I don't let it break me, I know my heart becomes hard, and I am not soft to move freely in the Spirit with God. When I demand to have a firm grip on my life, and demand to know all the details of that which lies ahead, I'm telling God that I no longer trust Him and that I know better.

You know, life really hasn't been easy... but at the end of the day I trust that God knows that He is doing, so I keep walking. :)

Frustrations...

I was thinking about how lucky I am to have grown up in North America today... and especially to have grown up in Alberta... and even Edmonton at that.  Somehow that upbringing puts division between other Hong Kong people and myself. This, I hate. I dislike that some look to me in admiration thinking that I am of a different social class because I had the good fortune to grow up overseas and am fluent in English. Then there is the group of the opposite who seem to look at with scorn because of my western background and treat me like I'm a horrible person out to make them look bad. To be very honest, this is one reason why I don't want to work in a local setting.

That's not what got me to start thinking though. I was thinking about this because I was asked about career planning today. It breaks my heart that 17, 18 year old young people feel the pressure to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I remember being their age and being completely lost and not really knowing what I wanted out of life. I had this crazy dream of becoming a pediatrician, which quickly faded when my marks in life sciences related courses were so bad! But regardless, that was what university was for... exploration! I had the freedom to go from dreaming of a career as a doctor, then in neuroscience, then forensics, then actuarial sciences... and at the end of it came out of university with a bachelor of science in mathematics and mathematical sciences. Which followed with my starting work in banking... and x number of years later, here I am unemployed and studying my masters in social work! What a journey it has been! 

Then again... before even getting there, I had the freedom to apply for universities as I pleased. There was never a real fear that I wouldn't get into ANY university... I don't understand Hong Kong's students fear of not being able to fight for a spot in the universities in Hong Kong. If you were an honours student... you were most likely gonna get in. Then again, there was no perception that if you didn't get into university, you'd be a failure. The stigma of going in a trade... or community college is not has bad as it is here in Hong Kong. I had okay marks, and had the freedom of applying to any university within Canada... and even wrote my SATs so that I could apply for schools in the US... but that's a whole 'nother story. 

It just breaks my heart that these young people are so anxious and stressed out about this. That they're so worried about filling in their university application wrong and making a mistake that will affect them for the rest of their lives. That is some crazy pressure! There seems to be no flexibility. Perhaps, it's also because I come from parents who either a) didn't get to go to university or b) went to university but decided to change career paths after working in that field... so I have the fortune of having parents who have given me a lot of freedom to make decisions and change my mind. 

Sure... I had friends who knew what they wanted to do at the age of 14... but they were few and rare. Most of them were just as lost and confused as I was. I wish I could tell them to just pursue the things on their hearts... but I'm afraid of getting angry phone calls from various parents complaining about "bad" advice I was giving to their children. *sigh* We'll see... I'm just gonna trust that God will give me the right words to share when I talk to these kids. 

On other things... my dream is so close. It's actually within grasp... but I believe I am the one who needs to step out to open the door to reach for it. Right now I'm just starring at the door and wondering if I even want to walk through it... if that door is even suppose to be for me. Everything that I had been walking towards... well... the ONE thing that I was walking towards since I took that plunge into the raging waterfalls with God back in 2009... it's so close. It wasn't what I thought it would look like, but it's pretty darn crazy... and it's exactly one of the things which have been on my heart! Now if only I had the courage to take that step out...