Monday Musings...

You know it occurred to me the other day that it has been 9 years since I found myself in the pit that I never thought I'd be able to climb out from. 9 years since I said good-bye to what I was talking about back in this post from 2005. In previous years, I always remember but in the past 2 years I've been so busy in the month of May that it'd just pass by without me even realising it. Perhaps that's what people mean when they say that wounds heal over time.

We sang this song sometime ago - Anchor by Hillsong.

The words are so hard to sing... but yet I know they're true. The words in the bridge are

Your name is higher

Your name is greater

All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing

Your promise unshaken

All my hope is in You

For me, I feel like it takes all the faith I have within me to sing out these words. To stand and proclaim that ALL my hope is in Christ and that His word never failed and His promise will always stand. To say that Christ is the anchor of my soul, the one thing that I can hang onto when all starts to fall apart or away. I know it's true, but right now I'm just having such a hard time living out those words. To live out my life with Christ as my anchor, to live as if no matter what blows my way everything will be okay because all my hope is in God who will never fail me.

But... when I look back on my life. When I look at who I was 9 years ago and who I am today I know that Christ has definitely been the anchor for my soul. If I hadn't been anchored in Him, I would never have made it. I wouldn't be able to be where I am today. I know it is only in my belief that God will never fail me that I was ever able to take steps out in faith. So as I wrestle with God in this season of doubt, or faith crisis or whatever it is I feel like I am wrestling through... I know that I need to hang on to God for dear life because that is the ONE thing that will never let me down. (Even when it doesn't feel like it.... and believe me, it don't feel like it lately.) 

A little bit of God... inspired by Furious6...

So I was watching Furious 6 (aka Fast & Furious 6) on Sunday. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love the F&F franchise, with the exception of 2Fast 2Furious, and the 4th one because I can't for the life of me remember what happened in that movie. Anyways, I was indulging my love of the F&F franchise on Sunday. 

So, one of the scenes that stuck out to me in the movie was the scene where Letty and Dom just finished racing and they pull into some random deserted lot (in the middle of London?!). She still has no recollection who he is, but he slowly describes her scars to her. Describing for her not only the stories behind each scar but revealing how much he understood of her character. Just watch the movie if you want to know what I'm talking about. 

After this, it was about time to get ready for church. I got ready and headed to church for the usual 4pm service at The Vine. This is what God said to me during service: 

You know who knows every scar you have and the story behind each scar? It is I, Jesus. I not only know the story behind every scar, I know each emotion you felt in the situation, more than that, I felt it with you. But you know what's even more amazing? (He showed me my heart.) You see each scar on your heart, I know each and everyone one of those scars. I know and have felt every single heart break with you. Small or big, I know and understand each and every single stab at your heart that you have felt. I know my daughter. Yet I don't just know, I'm here to heal them, to mend them, and to refill your heart, and restore your heart anew. 

Jesus, as usual, had caught me off guard. It wasn't what I was expecting on Sunday but also exactly what I needed to hear from Him. It's been awhile since I've allowed myself to be transparent before Jesus... good step. Small step, but a step in the right direction nonetheless. *sigh*  

Monday Musings...

I really love having Mondays as my day off... and I really have been meaning to use it as a day to catch up on blogging, but I always get distracted and end up doing something else. Today I had this plan of going out to spend the afternoon doing some school work at the PolyU library... only to find out when I got there that I was missing a critical piece of paper... so studying in library fail! Ended up spending the afternoon sitting outside doing various activities which included reading and some sort of education related activities... amongst many other non-productive activities. Then I decided to go up to CUHK anyways.. I really should get some library time in... to find that the University Library on campus as finished renovations... it looks NICE! hahaha.. so perhaps my undergrad library study habits can come back to life... let's see what happens. :P

Anyways... random day description aside... here's the real meat of what I want to talk about.

Recently, I looked around me and I felt all that surrounded me told me that I had lost. That I had come out the loser in the situation... I seriously felt like everywhere I looked the world was screaming "You're a L-O-S-E-R!" This was not a very good feeling to be feeling... I'm just being honest because I think sometimes I look around and I wonder to myself... "why me? 

I know if I measure by earthly standards, it will always feel like I lost. If I look at the situation and compare myself to others... I always feel like I am lacking... and when I get to that place then I really have lost. I have lost because I have allowed myself to be consumed by my situation and circumstances rather than be lost in God. 

When I turn my eyes back onto God, I know that I have not lost at all. I have gained treasures in heaven which I cannot see with my own eyes, but faith tells me that what I have lost and sacrificed will be redeemed. Even if these things are not redeemed here on earth, they will be redeemed when I go to heaven to spend eternity with my Father. 

My truest measure of knowing that I had not lost... the most tangible evidence in my life... my job... AKA my kids. Everyday when I walk into Jordan and I see the relationships that God has built up in a very short 4 months time... and all that this job has led me to, I KNOW that I have not lost. I know that I get to walk daily in the will of God... that I am exactly where He had intended for me to be in this season.

Life has been hard... but it has been oh so good! :) And to finish off... the song that won't stop playing in my head... but it's GOOD! It's the cry of my heart for my life... hope you make it yours too!

Monday Morning Musings...

This past weekend, God showed me just how much He had back. He completely cushioned a fatal blow from the enemy so that on what had been intended to ruin my birthday was completely minimised and all I knew and felt was the love of some of my closest friends. All I could hear in my head as I went to sleep last night was "What you had intended for harm, God intended it for good." So this morning, I looked up where that was from, because I couldn't remember. It was from Genesis when Joseph was talking to his brothers about what they had done to him. Joseph was full of nothing but forgiveness towards his brothers because he know God... and he stood confident in that. So through the overflow of God in him, he could overflow that into his brothers... who had been so cruel to him.  

"Don't be afraid. Am i in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is not being done, the saving of many lives." ~ Genesis 50:19-20

This morning, I am drawing strength from the example of Joseph and from God himself. I don't know if there are intentions of trying to hurt me or disrespect me... but it doesn't matter because God loves me... and even though I don't want to... I will choose to forgive and stay within the will of my Papa in heaven. He has promised me that all things are for the good of those who He love and called. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

There is a part of me that wishes nothing but to point a finger and laugh... and say "in your face!" But... I won't... I will leave that to God to show you. Through this all, I know that God is looking out for me, that he is protecting me... protecting my heart... and I have nothing to fear.  

So... today as I turn the big 3-0... I will standing confident in who God has made me to be. I will choose God today, and everyday. Thanks so much to everyone who came out yesterday to celebrate with me! It was truly a blessed day! I am so thankful for each and every friend that God has given to me while I've been in Hong Kong. Your love was felt... and I feel very very lucky indeed. 

"Duckie, you're really quite lucky. ... YUP, YUP, YUP!!!!"

The journal entries... 1

So... I have decided to take some old journal entries and start putting them up on my blog. This has been something which has been on my heart to do for awhile, and I've decided that the time has come for these things to be shared with others. So this will be my first attempt at doing so! Please, if you read this, give me a shout to let me know what you think. 

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~ Hebrews 12:2-3

Jesus endured the crucifixion for joy?! Reconciliation with man brings joy to God. Eternity with Christ, the promise of eternal life, it is for the joy that comes with these promises that Jesus died. The promise of eternity is the secret to eternal joy, the promise of eternity is what gives us the confidence to be bold. When we know what God has promised us... what His son's death on the cross really means for our lives... then we have joy that no one can steal or understand. Then we have a boldness that doesn't make sense.

God you are amazing. Thank-you that my confidence and identity comes from you first. Thank-you that before anything else I am your daughter, your princess, your wife, your lover, your friend and your sister. Before I am these things to anyone else I am these things to you.