Love wasn't ever meant to be easy....

This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...

"What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life, 

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if the trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story

I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago. 

I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.

But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart. 

The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard. 

God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...

weekend reminders....

from hiking during CNY holidays! :)

It's been awhile since the last post... not for any particular reason. Mostly due to writers block... just haven't been inspired to write. I think some days I'm still recovering from the madness of working and doing my placement hours... that was so incredibly hard and draining on me that I can't find words to describe what a hard time those six months really were.

A couple of things came up this past weekend... things that reminded me of why I'm on the path that I'm on to begin with. The first thing was that "God doesn't need us to be perfect, He just needs us to be broken." Very simply, the name of this blog is "Beauty in the Broken." I know that it is always out of my brokenness that God does the most because He is the most glorified when I am broken. He strength is made perfect in our weakness. So I was reminded that I too come from a place of brokenness, but God didn't leave me in my brokenness. He restored me to wholeness before I was allowed on my way to the better things that He had prepared for me. Therefore, I was reminded that it is okay to be broken. I can allow myself to be broken... I don't have to hide it, nor do I have to avoid it.

The next reminder was "run to something, not away from something." This whole journey started with me running away from something, but that has all been put right. God used my disobedience and turned it into a story for His glory. I no longer have anything to hide from, or to run away from. God proved this so beautifully in my last trip home to Canada. I have also learned that running away from things solves nothing... and running away from God definitely makes nothing better. God wants us to run directly into His arms, He wants us, desires for us to run recklessly abandoned into Him. I've learned that lesson... that my job is to run to Him... so that all I am is abandoned into who He is, because it is in that place that I find rest, and peace... and it is in that place where I need not worry about anything.

The final thing that has been up is a comment that many have been saying to me, and that is "At least you know what your calling is!" I have been finding that comment so funny... because I don't feel like I know what my calling is, or at least I feel like I've lost sight of it. The picture that God gave me seems so murky lately. I think it's mostly because I am finishing up my masters degree soon and I thought that in the past 2.5 years as I have been completing my schooling as God has asked, that He would have made that picture more clear as the time went... or that I'd have a better idea of what I am to be doing once I finish my masters degree in social work. Yet, as the final semester slips away, I am left with no clearer a picture than the first day I started classes at CUHK. Regardless of how murky I feel that my future looks, it's nice to be reminded that God put passions and desires in me, He's also given me many promises that goes along with those passions and desires.  

These are all things that I know... but I needed the reminder. To be reminded once again that not knowing what lies ahead is okay. To know that I am walking towards God and that I need to continue to make Him my focus. The best is to be reminded that God has given me passions and purposes... that this path has not been started in vain, or on reckless decisions, but on  months of wrestling with God and praying and walking with Him before running straight at Him, recklessly abandoning all that makes sense in the worldly realm. At the end of the day... it's okay to be scared, to not know... and it's definitely okay to be completely broken by all that I encounter on a daily basis... When I don't let it break me, I know my heart becomes hard, and I am not soft to move freely in the Spirit with God. When I demand to have a firm grip on my life, and demand to know all the details of that which lies ahead, I'm telling God that I no longer trust Him and that I know better.

You know, life really hasn't been easy... but at the end of the day I trust that God knows that He is doing, so I keep walking. :)

Transition...

A couple of weeks ago I felt myself starting to shut down... the daily stress of work compounded by the stress of school demands for placement.... if I'm not at work... I'm stressing about work... if I'm not being over anxious about my children... I'm stressing about placement homework... I wake up in the middle of every night freaking out about various different things... so to cope with it I started to shut down... I didn't want to deal with the stress... and covered it up to the point where I was ready to break down big time.

No one ever explained that transition would be so hard... that when I packed up my stuff and got on a plane for Hong Kong that my life would change so dramatically in 5 years. I read this article the other day in Relevant Magazine. It's about having a "quarter-life crisis"... but I like point 2: It's more transition than quarter-life crisis. "You're saying goodbye to a season and, even more dramatically, waving goodbye to who you used to be."

Transition... puts things into a new perspective. I never realised that when I took a step in the direction of this new job at ICM that it would throw me into such a whirlwind of life. In the past 10 months (OMG, it's been 10 months already!) I have stopped going to 180 (Young Adults fellowship), PLUS (small group), met and started spending time with new friends, been on the fringe of leaving the Vine, finished placement #1 AND started placement #2... finished more classes on my way to finished this social work degree... dealt with some family drama... had one of the kids thrown in jail... been affirmed in this new place yet challenged to the point of doubt so regularly that sometimes I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

I can not say transition has been easy, I can't even say that I've enjoyed every step of it. What I CAN say is that I know that God has been walking with me each and every single step of the way. The season of equipment is slowly chugging it's way to it's end... there are 8 months left of school... 8!!! Three years have finally come down to the final 8 months! I'm transitioning from preparation to action... and I know ICM is simply a small step towards action. What's next only God knows... but I am comforted to know that I am no longer the same person that I used to be. 

Justice Conference Asia

Ok... it's been awhile since I've done an entry... last weekend was a long weekend and... the long awaited Justice Conference!!

I will do a different entry to talk about my lack of blogging lately. Today I want to share my thoughts from Justice Conference. Things had been so busy that I wasn't really able to get excited about it until a couple of days prior to the opening of the conference. And it wasn't even until I was talking to a friend about it that I bothered to look up the speakers to find out what they were all about. The conversation wasn't important, it was what I found that got me excited about the weekend... I discovered this blog post from Eugene Cho! The man's views on abortion was what I've been talking to people about... and I was excited to hear this man speak!! Ok... given abortion was not really a big topic at the Justice Conference... and it's not like he was talking about it... but I was excited to hear his thoughts on justice and God.

All the practical advice at the conference can be shared another time. It was when he spoke at the conference on Friday night when God really smacked me. It was that night when I realized just how incredibly exhausted I was from trying to juggle everything. As much as I love my job and know that I am doing what I am suppose to be doing... I hadn't been aware of how crazy drained I was... spiritually, mentally, emotionally... I had been pouring everything into my job that I had neglected to take care of myself. Well... a part of me was using it as a disguise to some of what I was really feeling on the inside... or rather as a distraction from having to deal with some of the other crap that was going on in my life...

So... 2 things from that night. First that I was exhausted... and that I needed to take down the fortress I had built around myself so that God and others can come back into my life to help carry me forward. I'm not meant to live in alone but in community. Then second in relation to community was the line from Eugene Cho. "If you're thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, that's the Holy Spirit prompting you to water your own grass!" 

How are these things related? In trying to avoid dealing with certain issues in my life, I had distanced myself from my own community. As a result I had stopped watering my own lawn... and so began the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome... and I began to entertain thoughts of finding new community rather than seeing the problems in myself that I wasn't dealing with. Anyways... God smacked me, and now I am recommitting myself to my community and watering my own lawn. :)

As for dealing with the crap in my life... working on it. You know it's so much easier to tell everyone else that the most important aspects of any relationship is truth and honesty... but when I actually have to put that into practice I had such a hard time. I know that eventually I will put it into practice, but I just need a little more time to gather up my courage before I step out in faith. I know that God is always on my side and He always takes care of me. So I just need to walk out in obedience in all that I believe that He calls me to do. More on that another time...

Justice conference was eye opening in some practical ways... and very refreshing for myself personally. So proud of The Vine and all the volunteers who helped to make it possible! So thankful for a glimpse of God's heart... sometimes I lose sight of the bigger picture, this past weekend was a reminder to look at the bigger picture and not be stuck on the things I see immediately in front of me. Thank-you Jesus!! :)

A small glimpse of India...

He changed into a yellow shirt to match me! :)

Wow... back from India... and well, finals are next week and I need to get my arse in gear to get to studying and paper writing... blah!!! As always... when I'm meant to be doing school work, I find myself blogging instead. :P

So... India. Let's talk about the kid in the picture. It's not that he's the only kid from the children's home... nor a favourite... cause we ain't suppose to have favourites, right? :) This was my date at every single meal for most of the 7 days we were in Visakhapatnum. At every meal that I could remember he would grab his plate and insist that he would be sitting beside me... breakfast, lunch and dinner. No fail, this kid was sitting beside me. Trust me, I wasn't particularly nice to him... in fact there were moments when I had to constantly yell at him to eat his food... or to chew... or to not play with his food... :P 

It was through these meal time interactions that we bonded. He does NOT like eating boiled eggs... so one morning I sat there with him and waited as he finished breakfast. Haha... goodness gracious, it was quite the task trying to coerce this kid to finish his egg. At the end I think he got away with just eating the egg white and not having to eat the yoke. By the time we left, his promise to me was that he would finish his breakfast every morning, including his egg! :) 

Yet, this trip for me really wasn't about the kids. I know we always come back from missions talking about how the kids have changed us more than we've changed them... blah blah blah. For me... it really wasn't like that? Why? Perhaps because I work with children on a daily basis and it doesn't require a missions trip for me to see that. Perhaps, that wasn't the lesson that I need to be learning in this season... I learned that lesson many years ago. This wasn't my first trip to a children's home... but I pray that it won't be my last either. 

So, what did I get from my trip? One of the biggest revelations since coming home was that it's time for me to stop half joking about God training me for the missions field and start taking that seriously. Hahaha... I joke about this aLOT... or talk about it casually... but I think it's time to start praying about this and starting to ask God for some more concrete answers about what this all means. The running joke has always been that if God called me to Africa tomorrow, I'd drop everything to get on a plane to go... but now... it's time to re-evaluate what those words really mean. It's time for that to stop being a running joke in my life... but for me to really consider what I mean when I say words like that. So one thing that I came away with was the thought that I think God really might be calling me to missions... so time to start praying about that.

The other thing I came away from India with, is that I need to stop running away from children's ministry. I disqualified myself from children's ministry... almost 8 years ago now. That's not a story for this update, so you can ask if you'd like to know. For 8 years I haven't touched children's ministry... but every time I have gone out on a missions trip, I have ended up at a children's home/ orphanage. Of course, that could just be the nature of the trips I had ended up on... regardless... the doors to the mission field for me has always led to children. While we were in India... perhaps more after coming back... God seems to be confirming that gifting in me. That he has gifted me in working with children. So it's a season where I need to stop disqualifying myself... and start rebuking all the lies which I have bought into for so long. 

This is just a small glimpse into the things that God spoke into my heart from my trip to India. It was a good trip.. I think not because of the children, or the things we saw. I would have been happy going on a trip to anywhere... had I met with God in the same way that I was able to meet God while I was in India this time around. It wasn't about where I went or what I did... this trip was simply that I got away... and in the midst of me getting away, God met me, and He revealed to me the things that He wanted me to know. Despite all that we did in India... and the tiredness I should have felt... I did feel refreshed spiritually. I came home excited and recharged to keep going into this season! :)

Monday Musings...

Yay! Another entry of Monday Musings... let's see if I can keep this up.

Thank-you to everyone who checked in on me. I'm doing good! :)

Last week was a rather interesting week... very unproductive week... so much work that needs to be done, yet none of it is getting done. Leaving for India on Thursday... but last week I ended up taking up teaching for pre-teens on Friday and as usual lots of prep work to be done for Kids Club on Saturday. So I basically didn't stop until I got to 6pm on Saturday... and I still volunteered to go to Watermark Community Church with the kids on Sunday... AND I stayed for lunch with them and helped take them back to Jordan. I really don't understand why every time I decide to stay for lunch with the kids we are eating McDonald's on the Cyberport podium... -_-"

Regardless... these kids are my saving grace this past weekend. When I see them, I know that I am exactly where God had intended me to be in this season. I see the kids... and their reactions to me and I know that God is in control of my life, and He has crazy plans for me ahead. I know that it is by the grace of God that I get to join the ranks of the few who can say without a doubt that they love their job! On Saturday, we studied the Bible story of the Last Supper... and then we had a time of communion with the kids. It was the cutest thing in the world... and my heart completely melted... God has such a huge heart for these kids... He loves them so much! 

Circumstances may once again be trying to tell me that I have lost and that I am a loser... but lies I rebuke you! I am a daughter of God, and He thinks I'm a winner! At my own advice to a friend.. I'm looking forward... because God does not ask that I spend my time thinking of the what if's and what could have been. He asks me to live in the present... because that is where I can see the gifts that He has prepared for me for THIS season. If I look anywhere else... I will miss out on these... and I don't want to miss out on the things that God has prepared for me! :)

I will stand firm...

Lol! This made me laugh... because I say "I"m just being honest" alot... does that make me a jerk?? OH NO!!!

On other things.. been an extremely frustrating day... but I think the enemy is trying really hard to take me off course. Like REALLY hard! So many things coming my way... which means I really need to get off my arse and make it to EMP and PRAY for the new season ahead. Pray for work... pray for everything that is in my life... and all that has not arrived yet. 

I walked back and forth the CU campus... not once... but TWICE... I went to one building... walked to another.. back to that same building... and then back to that other building... twice!!! TWICE!! And it's so disgustingly humid outside... not impressed.

Disunity in the workplace... or trying to cause disunity in the workplace... so I shall ignore what sounded like discouragement... and continue to do my job. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Another job with more money... trying to give me significance where I had craved significance before?? I'm flattered... and tempted... but I said no. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Need to further ground myself in God... and to remove the things that not belong in my life. Victory is already mine through Christ. So I will claim that... need to claim that... must claim that and stop losing... Prayers much appreciated! 

Quote...

In the midst of my paper writing, I came across this quote, and I really like it. 

"An unplanned pregnancy is a crisis. Although an abortion may end the crisis, it seldom resolves the original conflicts.”

Tuesday Tossings...

For awhile now I have been waiting to be sent out to the mission field. It's not that I am refusing to accept my time here in Hong Kong, but I also know that there's more in store for me... and that Hong Kong is not it for me. My circumstances in Hong Kong at the moment had gotten me to the place where I simply became impatient. I was so frustrated with everything I see in front of me that I did want to run away from here. To get away from the things that make me angry, the things that make me upset, the things that I simply could not stand anymore. 

In the midst of all that, God finally gave me a glimpse of hope. Finally an understanding of perhaps why has is keeping me in Hong Kong at this time. Another step towards the destiny that God has called me into... Right now I don't know if this is the reason or not, but all I can do is follow obediently. If the door slams in my face again, I will cry for awhile and then I will get up and keep following. I know that what God has called me to do will not be easy, nor did I sign up for an easy path ahead, so I will shake myself off and continue to follow my God down the hard and narrow road. 

I spent my weekend at the Women on the Frontlines conference. Where the speakers were Heidi Baker, Patricia King and Stacy Campbell. Three women who are doing God's work on the frontlines. I know one day, I too will get to see the things that they shared about, that I too will have my time when I get to go out to the frontlines and see with my own eyes. Until then, God has said be patient. He hasn't forgotten, but the time has not come yet. "Be patient and obedient with what I HAVE placed in front of you and let me take care of the rest" says God. So right now all I can do is be patient... not something I am good at, but by His love and grace I will do my best.  

In Christ Alone...

But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 

 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

(John 8:1-11)

So, seven years ago, God revealed this passage to me. He revealed it to me when I went on my first short term missions trip. (I say first because I don't count Grand Prairie as my first trip... I was being paid to be up there, it was my job.) Anyways... first missions trip, we went up to Assumption, a Aboriginal Reserve in northern Alberta. It was on this trip when this passage basically came to life for me. It wasn't because I saw the girls in the woman, but because I found myself in her. 

It was my first encounter with God when I began to realize that I was so unworthy, and so undeserving of His death on the cross. It was the beginning of me starting to see how broken I was as a person, and how deserving of death I was... but because of Christ I stand uncondemned. Never before that summer had Jesus' words to the woman "Then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin," pierced to deeply into my heart. Never had His words reflected so clearly to me the dire state I was in, and how desperately I was in need of God. 

Since then... I had realized how little of it was about what I did in someone else's life while on a missions trip, but what God did for them on a daily basis. The desire for others to meet with God was because of this unconditional love that He pours out... the acceptance and reassurance of who we are that can only come from our Heavenly Father.  How do you share that with someone if you've never reached that place of desperation for God yourself? If you don't understand what a gift it is that we have in Christ... how undeserving we are of it... how do you share what with others?

Last Monday, I went to watch Nefarious. A documentary about sex trafficking. The facts about sex trafficking wasn't what broke me down into tears, it was watching the testimonies of the girls share about their encounters with Jesus. On their faces, it was so evident that they had come face to face with the unconditional love of Christ... that they had found their acceptance and worth in Christ when nothing else could get through to them. It immediately brought me back to the passage in John 8. Through the testimonies of these girls who had been trafficked, my God took me deeper into that story. He showed me the brokeness of that woman... the guilt and shame... the hopelessness... the lack of self worth... the rejection... and how HE was the only one who could come in and wipe that from their hearts and their minds... and reveal to them how precious they are.

I came out of that so angry... and so frustrated at God. I didn't want to finish school no more, I just wanted to get out into the field... to reach these girls.... to introduce them to Jesus... to see those life transformations for myself... but all He kept telling me was that the time has not yet come, and that I was not yet ready. 

Then this past Sunday... I really wanted prayer. Well... I've been wanting prayer for a while now... but I've been too proud to walk up to the front for prayer... or ask any of my friends for it. The American Korean man asked me what I wanted prayer for... I said healing of my heart. As he started to pray... what came out wasn't what I had anticipated... but He called out that God wants to use me, to reach girls like myself... to bring healing to them... to help them... that I was to be a mighty warrior for God.

I could do nothing but cry... because nothing has changed... God hasn't forgotten... we are still on the right path... my time will come. One day, I will see John 8 come to life before my very eyes... He's promised.    

Returned from Seoul Searching... :)

  

Well... Korea has come and gone. Here are some pics from my phone.... the ones on the camera will be posted when I have time to go through them... :P 

This was the verse that kept coming up time and time again during my time in Korea and even before Korea:

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks received, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" ~ Matthew 7:7-11

So... before going to Korea, one of the things that were heavy on my mind was the high abortion rate. I've known this for awhile, and have been quite interested in Korea ever since I heard it. So as I was planning my trip, this was something that was on my heart. I didn't want to go to Korea to just... well... eat and shop. Well... I did want to eat lots, but less so shopping, but was wondering and asking God what He wanted me to do. Why He was asking me to go to Korea at this time. I didn't know what I could possibly do while I was in Korea since I knew nothing about the place.. and nothing of their language... (other than random phrases and food names..)

Well... when God is in control, God is really in control. On Thursday night, we went to this Harp and Bowl Prayer House thing... and during intercession time, the girl announces that "Tonight, we will be praying for abortions in Korea." I was completely broken... completely floored, and completely overwhelmed by how much my God loves me! If there had been any doubt in my mind that God had brought me to Korea... I was no longer doubting. When you ask God to help your unbelief... He really does!

But God doesn't stop there... He keeps going. Good Friday service... a message about the bondage of pornography, sex trafficking, sex trade, abortion, sexual immorality... materalism... God is opening my eyes and heart to the issues that I care about within the Korean context. Why? I don't know... but I've been completely blown out of the water by the way He has orchestrated every single min of my trip!

Ahhh... I wish I could write out every single detail and thought that crossed my mind during this trip, but I cannot. Hahaha... that might take way too long! One thing I can share is that I left feeling full of hope and full of joy that my God knows what He is doing. Despite my circumstances, I know that my God is good... and that He is in control! :) So... I believe this next season will be one of asking, seeking and knocking... and doors WILL open... confirmations will be given!

So... the feeling of anticipation of these crazy things to come continues! :) God is so so so good!

Fruit in unexpected places...

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.'" ~ 1 Corinthians 1: 26-31

Recently, God used a time when I was so broken and dead on the inside to bring me to my knees in humility. Or perhaps He just wanted to drive a point home... which was no matter what state I am in, if I am obedient, He will use me to bring Him glory. 

Back in 2007... a year which is full of much frustration for me, I was helping out at my home church every Friday night at our high school fellowship. (AKA Petros). Don't miss the point, I loved those kids... each and everyone of them. I had a lot of fun with them... but I also knew that I wasn't investing as much time and effort... and basically myself as I would've liked... always leaving me to wonder if my presense even had much impact on them. Because I was still in a place of a lot of hurt... I wasn't quite as transparent with them as I would've liked... and therefore resulting in a wall between us.

Awhile back, one of those kiddies got in contact with me. (I guess they're not really kiddies, since they're all in university now..) I was floored to read her message. I think it actually made me cry. Hahaha.... :P I never knew that I had any impact on them... but I guess now I know. And recently I found out that she went and took mystory (the video from several months ago) and had shared it. Hahaha... I am humbled. Because that was not me... the only way I could have left any impact or impression upon those kiddies was if God had done it. 

Sometimes God gets me to do things which makes no sense to me at the time... but later (and sometimes it's years later) God reveals the reason. I think this is God's way to encouraging me and remind me that no matter how much something doesn't make sense, God had purposed it and it will all be for His glory. And it will all make sense... eventually.

Thank-you God. You are so awesome!  

The Journal Entries... 2

August 30th, 2011
I was at Kingdom Culture with Kris Vallotton and he said "Your destiny relies on your history, testimony and prophecy."

I wrote: ... then perhaps one day there will be a generation where boys and girls are both confident in their relationships with Christ that they can love each other as brothers and sisters in the way that God had intended.

...

God I will continue to trust that you will continue to lead me to where I need to go. I'm still at CKM for a reason and you let me get into CUHK for a reason. So I will wait to see what your purpose for making me do school this way is. I want to be that light that people had prophesized over me. Help me to be that light.
 
August 30th, 2010
"Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives makes no sense to unbelievers." ~ Francis Chan from Crazy Love

August 30th, 2009

"So we set our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18

And then God said: You said you wanted eternal joy and not temporary/momentary happiness, here is the answer. You want to see heaven on earth? Then keep traveling on the road less traveled. You wanted to know the desires of my heart. To break your heart with the things that break my heart. I didn't give you a passion to have you work a cushy well praying job within HSBC risk management. That HSBC door was opened because it was the only way you would come all the way back to Hong Kong at that time. But what are you doing now? Do you want to waste another 10-20 years before you'll answer my calling for your life? Great things require great sacrifice.

Trust me. Just trust me and take the plunge into the raging river.

Monday Morning Musings...

How is it possible that it is once again March?!

Anyways... so last week in the midst of my random internet surfing, I came across an ad for a job. My old church E3C was looking for a new Children's Director/Pastor. Let's get real honest here for a moment... I seriously considered applying for the job, and wanting it. And if they'd have me, to give up on everything here to move back to Edmonton.

Last week I reached my breaking point. I couldn't understand why I was at this job, I even forgot why I was in school... I wanted to just give up on all of it and run away. To run back to where I was comfortable, where I was safe... I just couldn't stand Hong Kong anymore. 

It got to the point where I got to class on Saturday, and completely disengaged myself from the group... our class only has 10 people and our prof. So when I disengage, it's pretty obvious. It also didn't help that I had to do do role play in Chinese... and I just couldn't get over the language and cultural barrier that's been pre-set up for me. I've set up that wall for myself... and my classmates constantly reinforce that wall for me. It's not their fault... but their concern has been turning into a confirmation that my Chinese is poor as is my understanding of Hong Kong culture. (I don't say Chinese, because it's not Chinese culture. It's Hong Kong culture...) 

After my horrid performace in class... I pretty much spent the rest of that class trying to figure out how I could either transfer into an English speaking program somewhere in North America... or better yet to just quit and apply for that job I'd seen earlier in the week. The idea of returning to my old comfort zone was... well... comfortable. 

Then came God's slap in the face... to wake me up I guess. I got to 180 to find out that Enoch was speaking on Calling. Blah. Calling... the same word that came up when I was deciding between Hong Kong and Cambodia. That this is all a part of His calling for me. More... BLAH. :P

Walking into the calling that God has for me has not been an easy road. It's been lonely... it's been tough... and then I hear Bomi Kim's voice blasting "it's gonna be worth it" in my head, and God opens more doors or hints at them... and I know that I must continue to persevere down this narrow path that God has destined for me to walk. Most of my brattiness is starting to leave... but there's still a part of me that wishes to run away to hide in my corner... because I know that this road will only get rougher. 

It's gonna be worth it...
It's gonna be worth it all...