Hump day Happenings...

Wow... I managed to let 2015 slip by without any posts... time to get back to writing.

For the past little while, I have been thinking about something... something to do with breaking up. Yes, it is true that in the midst of wedding planning and getting ready for marriage, I am still blogging about this. All I can say is that as we grow, we mature and as part of that maturing process, I reflect on past experiences. Enough justification of myself, onwards to what I have been thinking about. 

I have been thinking about posts that can only be correctly represented by pictures as seen below:

Ok... I totally understand that breakups hurt and they really suck, but is there really a need to destroy someone else? I know that some relationships really are not good for us in the first place and that there are people in abusive relationships where breaking up is much better for them than hanging on. Right now, I am not talking about those types of relationships. I am talking about those relationships where you both really did try, you both really did love and invest all of yourselves into it but still in the end one or both of you decided that this just was not the relationship for you and pulled the plug on the whole thing. 

Yes, I fully understand the need to be angry and feel all your feelings post break-up. We all have to mourn and grieve in our own ways, but can I just say that social media is not the place to vent and release those pent up emotions. Go cry it out with your closest friends, have a drink, punch a wall but for goodness sakes do NOT post all of those feelings on social media! I speak from experience and not just throwing random thoughts out there. 

Whenever I broke up with an ex-boyfriend, I totally wanted to post random hate messages on Facebook or blog, but what would that accomplish? Satisfaction at the sympathy of others? But at what cost? Sure, they might have left me in a mess of emotions I seemed unable to cope with but that doesn't make them a monster. I will not deny that to my closest girlfriends I spat out words about them that were not the kindest, but that was part of the grieving process and done privately. I don't believe heartache is a ticket for verbally abusing someone. God says so clearly in the Luke 6:27-29

27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.

It's not easy to do... but I think it's good to keep this in mind. Especially when we are dealing with breakups in the church. God calls us to love enemies... hard words to live by. I really think that this is something we do not talk about enough. Not all relationships in the church work out and lead to marriage, sometimes relationships don't work out and you end up with two disappointed and hurt people... how can we encourage them to move on in a healthy way?

What I am trying to say is that, I do not think it is wise or loving to publicly declare you're ex as public enemy number 1 on social media to accumulate "likes" to make yourself feel like everyone is on your side. On the flip side, I also do not think that the announcement of having "gotten over someone" needs to be publicly declared. Maybe if you're still in high school these are completely acceptable behaviours... 

Anyways, in the end I still stand on what I've posted before in part one and also again in part two. I believe in breakups, as Christians our duty is still to act in love, and therefore forgiveness is a must no matter how hard. In the end, like I have said before, the only person who is stuck when you're holding a grudge is yourself, because no one holds that but you. 

Love wasn't ever meant to be easy....

This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...

"What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life, 

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if the trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story

I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago. 

I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.

But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart. 

The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard. 

God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...

Glimpses of heaven on earth...

I am so grateful that God never allows me go disobey His word. And that time and time again he allows me to see glimpses of heaven on earth... or at least feel what He means when He desires for us to live out Kingdom culture on the earth. So once again, I have had the opportunity to see the things that God puts on my heart come to life. To be allowed the privilage of living out Kingdom culture. This is just one of the many from this past week... it has been ONE CRAZY WEEK! :)

To clarify, I'm talking about this particular blog post... The one where I talked about reconciliation. I have been able to forgive not because of anything I have done... or have not done. I am not a better person because I forgive. It is all by the grace of God that I can forgive and move on. If it wasn't for the love of God which had been poured out for me so abundantly... I don't think I would be where I am today. It is because God had loved me first... therefore I can also forgive and bless you as God would have wanted me to.

"Freely you have received, freely give." ~ Matthew 10:8b

"We love because he first loved us." ~ 1 John 4:19

The above 2 passages come to mind as I ponder on the events of this week. I don't deserve to be mature... or complimented on being mature... it is not me that is doing all these things. I will not stand here and pretend that anything has been done on my own strength or knowledge... It is NOT. 

I know I have not always been the bigger person in this situation... but I am glad that in the end... God brought his peace into the situation. I think it's dumb that it had to explode in this manner... but God has his timing and his place... and I will trust that this was what He had wanted and intended. 

I am still learning so much in this area of reconciliation, and still seeing so many of the ladies around me feeling hurt from lack of closure and reconciliation. Yet I pray that God too can come into those situations and fill them with His peace. I know that God desires unity within his body... and so I will pray that one day... men and women would begin to stand firm in their identities in Christ... and somehow stop trying to bring each other down... intentionally or unintentionally. Haha... that is my ideal... I guess that would be heaven on earth, no? :)