A little bit of God... inspired by Furious6...

So I was watching Furious 6 (aka Fast & Furious 6) on Sunday. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love the F&F franchise, with the exception of 2Fast 2Furious, and the 4th one because I can't for the life of me remember what happened in that movie. Anyways, I was indulging my love of the F&F franchise on Sunday. 

So, one of the scenes that stuck out to me in the movie was the scene where Letty and Dom just finished racing and they pull into some random deserted lot (in the middle of London?!). She still has no recollection who he is, but he slowly describes her scars to her. Describing for her not only the stories behind each scar but revealing how much he understood of her character. Just watch the movie if you want to know what I'm talking about. 

After this, it was about time to get ready for church. I got ready and headed to church for the usual 4pm service at The Vine. This is what God said to me during service: 

You know who knows every scar you have and the story behind each scar? It is I, Jesus. I not only know the story behind every scar, I know each emotion you felt in the situation, more than that, I felt it with you. But you know what's even more amazing? (He showed me my heart.) You see each scar on your heart, I know each and everyone one of those scars. I know and have felt every single heart break with you. Small or big, I know and understand each and every single stab at your heart that you have felt. I know my daughter. Yet I don't just know, I'm here to heal them, to mend them, and to refill your heart, and restore your heart anew. 

Jesus, as usual, had caught me off guard. It wasn't what I was expecting on Sunday but also exactly what I needed to hear from Him. It's been awhile since I've allowed myself to be transparent before Jesus... good step. Small step, but a step in the right direction nonetheless. *sigh*  

Restless? Or something else....

Several years ago, I read this in Wild at Heart...

'Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.' Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. 'When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.' Now every daughter of Eve wants to 'control her surrounding, her relationships, her God.' No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. 'In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate so we don't feel so defenceless.' Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

I thought I understood this passage when it read it the first time... but I don't think I was truly in a place where I thought God was withholding from me. Lately... I get it. 

To end with this song from Kari Jobe....

Love wasn't ever meant to be easy....

This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...

"What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life, 

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if the trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story

I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago. 

I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.

But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart. 

The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard. 

God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...

Loneliness...

Loneliness...

Lately... more than normal, I've felt like I'm walking at life alone. Perhaps it's partly because I'm still single... or that I'm not currently plugged into a small group at church... or I'm currently the only staff on site at ICM at the moment... or perhaps in a way, it's simply a combination of all of the above. Yet at the end of the day... I think the circumstances only expounds the feeling... because I think at the heart of it all it is that I trust no one.  

I've been thinking about this... ALOT. I've had a lot of time on my own as of late... and I think that I may have stumbled upon something else. I don't trust people... period. The biggest possible reason as to why I feel so amazingly alone in the world sometimes is that I don't trust people. There is a real fear that I have discovered that everyone is going to either abandon me or backstab me. I think the whole world trash talks about me behind my back.

I don't ask for help because I don't trust people. I micro manage... or cannot put things down because I don't trust people. I think I've built myself a humungoid fortress... in which I try to keep myself safe from people... and at the moment that fort is built on my busyness. I'm too busy to reply... reach out... I'm too busy to think... too busy to be around... and so as I hide behind busyness... I am free to hermit and be alone... where I don't have to risk being vulnerable with people... where I don't have to be real... 

Today I'm just being honest... that the words "Jesus walks with me" seem distant... and in so many ways... it's not enough. But I'm tired... and have no strength to reach up or out... 

A small glimpse of India...

He changed into a yellow shirt to match me! :)

Wow... back from India... and well, finals are next week and I need to get my arse in gear to get to studying and paper writing... blah!!! As always... when I'm meant to be doing school work, I find myself blogging instead. :P

So... India. Let's talk about the kid in the picture. It's not that he's the only kid from the children's home... nor a favourite... cause we ain't suppose to have favourites, right? :) This was my date at every single meal for most of the 7 days we were in Visakhapatnum. At every meal that I could remember he would grab his plate and insist that he would be sitting beside me... breakfast, lunch and dinner. No fail, this kid was sitting beside me. Trust me, I wasn't particularly nice to him... in fact there were moments when I had to constantly yell at him to eat his food... or to chew... or to not play with his food... :P 

It was through these meal time interactions that we bonded. He does NOT like eating boiled eggs... so one morning I sat there with him and waited as he finished breakfast. Haha... goodness gracious, it was quite the task trying to coerce this kid to finish his egg. At the end I think he got away with just eating the egg white and not having to eat the yoke. By the time we left, his promise to me was that he would finish his breakfast every morning, including his egg! :) 

Yet, this trip for me really wasn't about the kids. I know we always come back from missions talking about how the kids have changed us more than we've changed them... blah blah blah. For me... it really wasn't like that? Why? Perhaps because I work with children on a daily basis and it doesn't require a missions trip for me to see that. Perhaps, that wasn't the lesson that I need to be learning in this season... I learned that lesson many years ago. This wasn't my first trip to a children's home... but I pray that it won't be my last either. 

So, what did I get from my trip? One of the biggest revelations since coming home was that it's time for me to stop half joking about God training me for the missions field and start taking that seriously. Hahaha... I joke about this aLOT... or talk about it casually... but I think it's time to start praying about this and starting to ask God for some more concrete answers about what this all means. The running joke has always been that if God called me to Africa tomorrow, I'd drop everything to get on a plane to go... but now... it's time to re-evaluate what those words really mean. It's time for that to stop being a running joke in my life... but for me to really consider what I mean when I say words like that. So one thing that I came away with was the thought that I think God really might be calling me to missions... so time to start praying about that.

The other thing I came away from India with, is that I need to stop running away from children's ministry. I disqualified myself from children's ministry... almost 8 years ago now. That's not a story for this update, so you can ask if you'd like to know. For 8 years I haven't touched children's ministry... but every time I have gone out on a missions trip, I have ended up at a children's home/ orphanage. Of course, that could just be the nature of the trips I had ended up on... regardless... the doors to the mission field for me has always led to children. While we were in India... perhaps more after coming back... God seems to be confirming that gifting in me. That he has gifted me in working with children. So it's a season where I need to stop disqualifying myself... and start rebuking all the lies which I have bought into for so long. 

This is just a small glimpse into the things that God spoke into my heart from my trip to India. It was a good trip.. I think not because of the children, or the things we saw. I would have been happy going on a trip to anywhere... had I met with God in the same way that I was able to meet God while I was in India this time around. It wasn't about where I went or what I did... this trip was simply that I got away... and in the midst of me getting away, God met me, and He revealed to me the things that He wanted me to know. Despite all that we did in India... and the tiredness I should have felt... I did feel refreshed spiritually. I came home excited and recharged to keep going into this season! :)

I will stand firm...

Lol! This made me laugh... because I say "I"m just being honest" alot... does that make me a jerk?? OH NO!!!

On other things.. been an extremely frustrating day... but I think the enemy is trying really hard to take me off course. Like REALLY hard! So many things coming my way... which means I really need to get off my arse and make it to EMP and PRAY for the new season ahead. Pray for work... pray for everything that is in my life... and all that has not arrived yet. 

I walked back and forth the CU campus... not once... but TWICE... I went to one building... walked to another.. back to that same building... and then back to that other building... twice!!! TWICE!! And it's so disgustingly humid outside... not impressed.

Disunity in the workplace... or trying to cause disunity in the workplace... so I shall ignore what sounded like discouragement... and continue to do my job. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Another job with more money... trying to give me significance where I had craved significance before?? I'm flattered... and tempted... but I said no. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Need to further ground myself in God... and to remove the things that not belong in my life. Victory is already mine through Christ. So I will claim that... need to claim that... must claim that and stop losing... Prayers much appreciated! 

Monday Musings...

It's been awhile since I've done my Monday Musings blog... so I thought I'd sit down and do one today.

So I just sat down and read this article. 

I found it quite interesting. What I really enjoyed was her Henri Nouwen quote. 

“In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me—naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken—nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude—a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work and my distractions, so I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.”

I too feat that nothingness. It's a scary place to be in... but I found this quote resounds so clearly the thoughts and feelings during my 6 month period of unemployment. I know that being unemployed for 6 months compared to some of my friends who have been unemployed for much longer periods, but we're not talking about them and their experiences at the moment, I'm sharing with you what I was feeling during those six months. 

It's really scary to be in that nothingness... but like the article says... that means we have put our value in what we do. Yet, I am not defined by my job at Christian Action, I'm not defined by my being a social worker student... I do not find worth in being a placement student with the Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups, and my new job at ICM does not once again return me to being a person of value. My value has and always will be that I'm a daughter of God.

I fight with this daily... that I am a person of value in the eyes of my Father in heaven. I'm not defined by the ways I serve or don't serve in church. I'm not a valued as a worker by the number of hours I put into work... None of that matters at the end of the day. God is the one to whom I must report to... and at the end of the day He's simply gonna ask me if I had been obedient to what He had called me to do. Which brings me to my next thought...

In the past while it had been brought to my attention that one of my gifts is faith... faith in God, in things... in people. I believe in things no one else of a normal mind would believe in. Prior to this, I thought I was just good at forgiving... letting go of past offences... (sometimes it takes longer than others... but eventually I get there) This past Sunday, someone prayed into me that God has gifted me with love. That He had equipped me with the ability to love supernaturally... to love beyond human understanding and reasoning... to love those who had hurt me... 

It was like a light suddenly turned on in my head. As it says in 1 Corinthians "...and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have no love, I am nothing." Despite that I hadn't really been paying attention while we've been doing this Gifts of Grace series... God still spoke. Hahaha... All of it is only possible because I love. I have faith in things because I love... and ultimately because God loves me! 

The second part was "Don't give up... God knows that it's been hard to love, but you can't give up loving those He had called you to love." It was like the flood gates had opened... I had been waiting so long... for that touch of God... for Him to show me that He's been hearing my cries... my pleas... my aching. I've been wanting to give up so bad... to just run away and hide in a hole... to not care about anything else anymore. 

It's been an interesting time... but I know this also isn't the end but just the beginning of God doing something inside of me. And as much as I want to run and hide from it, I know that the only thing that I can do is accept it and just let God do as He pleases in my life so that I can enter into the better that He has in store for me. 

We can't be just friends...

According to this article.... you and I can't be just friends.... LOL!

Waiting.. deserts.. and other things...

So... I have returned from the Adventures of Us - Down Under Edition. I've returned drained... and as RQ would say... rather chilled and mellowed out. 

Many thoughts plague me as I stepped off the plane. I return with a heavy heart and clouded mind... haunted by the feelings and thoughts that I once had so long ago... tired of the mental battle within myself that I'm changed... that I'm stronger... that I'm a new creation. 

Perhaps somethings never change... perhaps some gaps can't be bridged... or perhaps that gap has simply widened over time and distance. Whatever the reason, the distance remains. But it is not this gap not distance that I want to talk about... but what has remained within me after so many years.

Words of death... I now realize why I've developed such negative speech patterns... such demeaning speech patterns. I'm sorry. God and I are gonna work on that one... failed today already. *sigh*

My 3's a crowd mentality... let's not even get started on that one. Definitely wanna kick this one to the curb.

So many destructive thinking patterns brought up in the past couple of weeks... thank goodness God calls me a work in progress..

Reflections aside... I feel my God is asking me to continue waiting. I'm not really sure what it is that I am suppose to be waiting for me... I have some guesses... but that is not important because it's not really about waiting for something... at the end of the day, it's all about waiting for God. So He has asked me to wait patiently for Him to do His thing. 

So why the picture above? Hahaha... which is not really something someone says to someone who is waiting. I need to not waste another minute avoiding this lesson, or period of waiting... or time in the desert that God is trying to take me into. 

My thoughts are all over the place... basically... a time of waiting is before me... and I'm being reluctant to enter it... because waiting is hard for me.  But I will go knowing that He has gone before me to prepare this place for me.

 

Spirit of Rejection... be GONE!

"So then, brothers,we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." ~ 1 Corinthians 8:12-17

So I've been thinking about something latley. My life as a kid. I've been wondering if I felt rejected as a child, and therefore now I am living that out in my life. Or still living in the spirit of rejection. It's not that my childhood was terrible or unhappy, but I've just been wondering about it. I have 2 reasons for why I've been thinking about this, 1) my family was expecting me to be a son 2) my grandfather.

Let me tackle the more simple of the two... my family was expecting me to be a son. I don't know why... or how... but from weird Chinese superstition my family was expecting me to be a son, and even had a boy's name waiting for me when I was born. Let's try to explain this a little more... Chinese families favour sons because they carry on the family name. My dad was also the oldest son in the family, so for them to be expecting a son... I think I must've been a pretty big deal. When I turned out to be a daughter, I wonder if there was disappointment. There must've been... especially from my grandmother. She cares so much about her reputation and "status" in the family... that having the first male grandson would bring her. I don't know if it was in my head, or I just don't understand her, but I always felt like she favoured my brother over me. (He's the first male grandson.)

Perhaps this is why I always had this attitude that I could do whatever boys did... and I'm just as good. Perhaps subconsciously I've been fighting for my place in the family to fight the rejection that I felt because I was a daughter and not a son. Now add this in with a mother who doesn't really encourage girly behaviour and dressed me up as a boy as a kid... and didn't encourage girly dresses and stuff... that's probably why I am the way that I am now. Now I'm almost 30... I think I'm finally starting to find myself... and where I really fit in between my trying to be a boy... and the girly side within me.

Now for the more complicated part of the equation... my grandfather. You see, he had 2 wives... and growing up, my grandfather was only around for lunch... and then he would leave and return to his other home. Maybe a part of me always called that "his real home." I don't know... as a child I didn't understand.. and now... I still don't understand what was going on. I know my grandmother must've felt quite rejected... she carries around a very large spirit of rejection... (God bless her soul, I hope she can find the freedom that is in Jesus soon!). So... I think I eventually subconsciously developed a sense that we were the rejected grand children. It's not true... but as a child, you absorb... and that's what I absorbed. 

I think this is the base of much irrational fears of rejection and abandonment. BUT... God has given me His Spirit... and I am a child of God. I live by the Spirit... which will put to death all of this... which were the result of the deeds of the flesh. I do not fall back into that fear... or a spirit of slavery to these things, but I live free and full of life in Christ. So spirit of rejection, I BREAK you. I claim my identity in Christ as a beloved daughter of God that no matter what my past has dictated, I am free from that because Christ has given me the Spirit of adoption and I am now part of a bigger family who loves and accepts me for who I am regardless of my gender.