Monday Musings...

Wow... I don't think I have posted all summer... how bad am I at this??

So I spent most of September in Canada... living off a blow up mattress in Vron's living room. It was absolutely amazing because it was exactly what I needed. To get out of Hong Kong where I find myself constantly wound up like a rubber band gun... ready to shoot when the trigger is released... Anyways, can share more about that later. 

This past Saturday was my first day back at work... and first full day of being back at our newly renovated centre! Praise Jesus! The place looks absolutely fantastic! I was jetlagged... I was under prepared... but it felt right to be back. Near the end of Kids Club, some of the youth girls walked in along with a younger sibling in tow. The younger sibling is a little girl who I've had the honour of getting closer to over my past (almost) 2 years here at this job. She's the sweetest girl ever. She comes in, I say hi and she dumps this piece of clear plastic into my hand and we exchange the below lines:

little girl: It's for you.
me: What is it?
little girl: It's a diamond!
me: Aww... it's even yellow, my favourite colour. Thanks.

To be honest, it looks like those plastic rocks you put at the bottom of a fish tank. It also wouldn't be the first time that one of my kids walks in and hands me garbage with the description of it being a gift for me. Yet, at that moment I felt like a queen. Sure it wasn't a real yellow diamond, but this little girl deemed me worthy of receiving a diamond! 

Despite the silliness of all this, it reminded me of this post. Of the time when God revealed to me what it meant to be a diamond for God. In the midst of all this diamond talk due to weddings and engagements happening all around me... and in the midst of my self-pity sessions wondering why no one deems me worthy of being picked... or deserving of a diamond ring on a finger, God reminds me of His love for me. Some days are harder than others and I think God just wanted to gently nudge me and remind me that putting Him first is NEVER a bad choice. 

So that's my Monday musings over plastic yellow rocks. Hope you all have an awesome week ahead! 

Monday Musings...

I had one of those weekends this past weekends. One of those weekends where you're anxious and there's no right or wrong answer to how you should deal with it. The dilemma of your ex visiting with their spouse. The idea of seeing them was nerve wrecking, what does one do in that situation? It's not that I haven't been in that situation before, and the last time I had to deal with it, God allowed it to unfold in a way beyond my own imagination. Therefore, this weekend must be one of those situations when Jesus looks at me and says "Oh ye of little faith." 

Anyways, this past weekend I had many different encounters. Some encouraging while others infuriating. So I'm gonna borrow a little inspiration from Relevant Magazine. They love doing these "What not to say to a friend ." So I'm gonna do a little what NOT to say to a friend in awkward situations with an ex. It's all in good fun, hope it amuses but encourages at the same time. 

1. Do not assume that your friend is still hung up over that person.
I lost count as to the number of people who told me they were praying for my healing this past weekend. The whole idea of running into an ex and their spouse is anxious enough without everyone hoping that you'll find healing eventually, one day... -__-" In that one well meaning line, you have disregarded all that your friend has gone through in the past x amount of time since the end of the relationship. It's simply an awkward situation and anxiety, in my honest opinion is expected. No matter how over someone you are, it's just mad awkward. Let's remember the feelings of nervousness doesn't stem from still being hung up over the ex. I'm sure memories of old feelings will come up... cause they probably cared deeply for each other, but no need to read too much into the uneasiness that might arise from these memories. 

2. This is not the time to defend your own friendship with the ex.
It's all very well that you may have continued in your friendship with this person, but this isn't the time to defend that friendship. Your friend, on most days don't care that you're still friends with their ex. Be sensitive, an event like this is bound to bring up unpleasant memories that have become dormant and likely unpleasant emotions to go along. As well, all that you liked about their ex as your friend, they probably appreciated it or had an even much more intimate knowledge of those characteristics... that's likely why they were in a romantic relationship in the first place. They know the good and bad... but while you've been able to enjoy the continuance of that friendship with that wonderful person, they have had to sever ties and move on for the health of each other. In most cases, it wasn't just a broken relationship, but the lost of a good friend as well, respect that. 

3. Don't just "check in" via text.
This might be a personal one... but with the increase of ease in communication over social media and with smartphones, a text is so impersonal... I know schedules are busy, and I'm just as guilty of this one myself. Honestly though, there is a huge difference between checking in via text and a phone call. Even bigger... to make that time commitment and spend time with your friend. We constantly forget the importance of human interactions... 10 mins having a short chat with a friend face to face is so much more effective than an hour chat over text. I'm guilty too, and trying to make more effort to call people rather than text, to hangout rather than just text chat. Make an effort to spend time with them, do something fun with them to help them relax and ease their nerves. The more you check-in, the more they'll start thinking that they need to have a crazy break-down. 

This is not an easy situation, but we are probably giving ourselves hard enough of a time. Really, there's no right or wrong. We are bound to make mistakes, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing on both sides. That's the fun of friendship right? We learn together, and at the end of the day, the grace of God covers over us and allows that we continue to love one another. 

Now to break things up, have a laugh.... BEING THIRD WHEEL... story of my life! hahaha :P

Monday Musings...

You know it occurred to me the other day that it has been 9 years since I found myself in the pit that I never thought I'd be able to climb out from. 9 years since I said good-bye to what I was talking about back in this post from 2005. In previous years, I always remember but in the past 2 years I've been so busy in the month of May that it'd just pass by without me even realising it. Perhaps that's what people mean when they say that wounds heal over time.

We sang this song sometime ago - Anchor by Hillsong.

The words are so hard to sing... but yet I know they're true. The words in the bridge are

Your name is higher

Your name is greater

All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing

Your promise unshaken

All my hope is in You

For me, I feel like it takes all the faith I have within me to sing out these words. To stand and proclaim that ALL my hope is in Christ and that His word never failed and His promise will always stand. To say that Christ is the anchor of my soul, the one thing that I can hang onto when all starts to fall apart or away. I know it's true, but right now I'm just having such a hard time living out those words. To live out my life with Christ as my anchor, to live as if no matter what blows my way everything will be okay because all my hope is in God who will never fail me.

But... when I look back on my life. When I look at who I was 9 years ago and who I am today I know that Christ has definitely been the anchor for my soul. If I hadn't been anchored in Him, I would never have made it. I wouldn't be able to be where I am today. I know it is only in my belief that God will never fail me that I was ever able to take steps out in faith. So as I wrestle with God in this season of doubt, or faith crisis or whatever it is I feel like I am wrestling through... I know that I need to hang on to God for dear life because that is the ONE thing that will never let me down. (Even when it doesn't feel like it.... and believe me, it don't feel like it lately.) 

A little bit of God... inspired by Furious6...

So I was watching Furious 6 (aka Fast & Furious 6) on Sunday. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love the F&F franchise, with the exception of 2Fast 2Furious, and the 4th one because I can't for the life of me remember what happened in that movie. Anyways, I was indulging my love of the F&F franchise on Sunday. 

So, one of the scenes that stuck out to me in the movie was the scene where Letty and Dom just finished racing and they pull into some random deserted lot (in the middle of London?!). She still has no recollection who he is, but he slowly describes her scars to her. Describing for her not only the stories behind each scar but revealing how much he understood of her character. Just watch the movie if you want to know what I'm talking about. 

After this, it was about time to get ready for church. I got ready and headed to church for the usual 4pm service at The Vine. This is what God said to me during service: 

You know who knows every scar you have and the story behind each scar? It is I, Jesus. I not only know the story behind every scar, I know each emotion you felt in the situation, more than that, I felt it with you. But you know what's even more amazing? (He showed me my heart.) You see each scar on your heart, I know each and everyone one of those scars. I know and have felt every single heart break with you. Small or big, I know and understand each and every single stab at your heart that you have felt. I know my daughter. Yet I don't just know, I'm here to heal them, to mend them, and to refill your heart, and restore your heart anew. 

Jesus, as usual, had caught me off guard. It wasn't what I was expecting on Sunday but also exactly what I needed to hear from Him. It's been awhile since I've allowed myself to be transparent before Jesus... good step. Small step, but a step in the right direction nonetheless. *sigh*  

burning... burning... burning... OUT

Burnout, according to wikipedia is "long term exhaustion and diminished interest in work."

Spent 3 days at Justice Conference Asia, but also balancing work on the side. Thursday was there all day for NGO day (practitioner day) and then the Rend Collective concert followed by the opening session with Shane Claiborne. Friday started with me teaching at work about "look for confirmation" in our series of "how to know God's will." Then did some urgent work before rushing back over to the conference where the I got to spend the rest of the day. Saturday started at conference, back to work for Kids Club... then back to conference. To cap off the weekend with playing at the morning services... I know this is nothing compared to the countless hours staff and volunteers of my church poured into making Justice Conference happen... but let's just say I happily fell into bed Sunday night and didn't wake up until quite late on Monday morning. 

I could go into all the inspirational talks that I heard, or the chats I had with different people... or the the music... but the truth is, my biggest take home was that I'm completely burnt out. Yes, the conference was great, the talks were great and I'm so proud of my church for putting it on, and friends who participated as a workshop speaker/panelist. That still doesn't take away from the really issue that I haven't dealt with... the heart of the problem... and that is the fact that I am burnt out. 

The past year and a half, since I've started at ICM... there's been precious little real rest. I started near the end of my first practicum for my masters degree... going into winter semester, going into summer semester, going into second practicum which seemed to lead right into the final semester. Not only was there little rest from the school side of things, there's never truly real rest from work. Strangely enough, I've still been able to travel to Korea, India, Canada, Taiwan and Mongolia within this year and a half. 

I'm not complaining... but I think I need to finally accept that the past two years have taken quite a tow on me, and I need to admit that I'm completely exhausted. The hardest part.... is when they said to write down a name of a person you can talk to when you discover yourself burning out, I couldn't think of one name that I would like to write down. Perhaps, I should've written the blog. Hahaha... anyways... so that's it. Me saying, I'm exhausted and I think I'm burning out.     

Restless? Or something else....

Several years ago, I read this in Wild at Heart...

'Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.' Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. 'When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.' Now every daughter of Eve wants to 'control her surrounding, her relationships, her God.' No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. 'In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate so we don't feel so defenceless.' Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

I thought I understood this passage when it read it the first time... but I don't think I was truly in a place where I thought God was withholding from me. Lately... I get it. 

To end with this song from Kari Jobe....

Hump day Happenings....

Goodness gracious.... I can't believe that school is over. I wrote my last exam 2 weeks ago... and that was it. Masters of Social Science in Social Work has come to a completion. 

2 weeks later, I'm a chaos of emotions. I'm happy to be done, but confused out of my mind. I seriously thought that after three years, I would have a better idea of what I would want to do, and where I wanted to head.... but I don't have an answer to everyone's favourite question at the moment... which has been "So what are you gonna do now that you're done school?"

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do now. Right now I just want to work at ICM and see where that leads... which is also strange because I am having such a hard time waking up for work. I was so excited that school was ending and I would no longer have to divide my time between work and school... but now that school has ended I just want to sleep... sleep... and sleep some more. It doesn't help one bit that now school is over, I have not been able to sleep at all! I toss and turn every night... that by the time it comes for waking up for work, I am so grumpy...

So continued that cycle this morning... I couldn't sleep to the point that I finally got out of bed at 5am and took a sleeping pill... which didn't kick in until it was time to wake up for work. So I drag myself out of bed and off to work... And so of course I walk in, to a board room of women reading the Bible and one of them says something about me playing on the band at church Sunday morning... that all turns into asking me to lead them in worship. 

I don't know why I'm being put through the grinder lately... but I also know that I'm almost at complete exhaustion and after that comes burn out. Right now I'm on thin ice, and I don't know what to do about that. I need sleep... but when it's time to sleep I'm not tired.... and when I'm suppose to wake up, I'm exhausted. Perhaps, I'm currently functioning on the wrong time zone... also not helpful... especially when my job involves working with children. Working with children requires too much energy for me to be not sleeping well. 

Perhaps, finishing school has left me with more anxiety than being in school. I guess it'd be a lie if I were to say that I'm not anxious about the future... I do wonder if this is it... and I just work at ICM... with no end in sight. I wonder if this is it... where I really do become a spinster and move in with my other single lady friends.... I wonder if this is it... where the only children I will ever have are spiritual children through my family in Christ. The more I wonder, the more faithless I feel... and at the end of all this wondering... I am left completely defeated. Absolutely... completely... defeated. 

Frig... borderline depression again. Well... let's look at the positive side of things. I.AM.FINISHED.SCHOOL!!!!!! It has not been an easy path since that day I said no more HSBC, I'm gonna pursue social work... to not getting into school... to working at Christian Action... to getting into CUHK... to losing my job at Christian Action... to finding this job at ICM... to finding 2 local placements.... to finally finishing my last exam.... I.MADE.IT!!! So many times I wanted to give up.... and God surrounded me with people to push me to keep going. So... right now gonna hold my head up... and keep ploughing through.... unless someone has a better idea. 

To end off... a song to symbolise the end... to represent graduation.... 

reframing....

Perhaps.... too much studying hence the word "reframing." Been listening to this song again... oh how things have changed since the first time I've heard that song... :P Changed in a good way... 

Currently my studying playlist is completely unconventional... it puts me to sleep more than it encourages studying but yet I keep listening to it. The more I listen to it, the more I wonder if I've made a mistake... if I've missed out/ shut out something that might have been good for me out of fear. 

Haven't been able to eat much... not sleeping well at all... and my brain is full of crap that I don't want to deal with... not with my last final 2 days away... So I shall shove it all under the rug until Family Intervention final is done! (Side note: I passed the stupid CUHK IT proficiency test, so I can graduate given that I don't fail any courses this semester!) 

Anyways... back to learning about Narrative Family Therapy.... whilst this is playing in my ear "I'll never give up, never give in, never let a ray of doubt slip in..... " hahahhaaha... :P

Love wasn't ever meant to be easy....

This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...

"What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life, 

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if the trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story

I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago. 

I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.

But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart. 

The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard. 

God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...

weekend reminders....

from hiking during CNY holidays! :)

It's been awhile since the last post... not for any particular reason. Mostly due to writers block... just haven't been inspired to write. I think some days I'm still recovering from the madness of working and doing my placement hours... that was so incredibly hard and draining on me that I can't find words to describe what a hard time those six months really were.

A couple of things came up this past weekend... things that reminded me of why I'm on the path that I'm on to begin with. The first thing was that "God doesn't need us to be perfect, He just needs us to be broken." Very simply, the name of this blog is "Beauty in the Broken." I know that it is always out of my brokenness that God does the most because He is the most glorified when I am broken. He strength is made perfect in our weakness. So I was reminded that I too come from a place of brokenness, but God didn't leave me in my brokenness. He restored me to wholeness before I was allowed on my way to the better things that He had prepared for me. Therefore, I was reminded that it is okay to be broken. I can allow myself to be broken... I don't have to hide it, nor do I have to avoid it.

The next reminder was "run to something, not away from something." This whole journey started with me running away from something, but that has all been put right. God used my disobedience and turned it into a story for His glory. I no longer have anything to hide from, or to run away from. God proved this so beautifully in my last trip home to Canada. I have also learned that running away from things solves nothing... and running away from God definitely makes nothing better. God wants us to run directly into His arms, He wants us, desires for us to run recklessly abandoned into Him. I've learned that lesson... that my job is to run to Him... so that all I am is abandoned into who He is, because it is in that place that I find rest, and peace... and it is in that place where I need not worry about anything.

The final thing that has been up is a comment that many have been saying to me, and that is "At least you know what your calling is!" I have been finding that comment so funny... because I don't feel like I know what my calling is, or at least I feel like I've lost sight of it. The picture that God gave me seems so murky lately. I think it's mostly because I am finishing up my masters degree soon and I thought that in the past 2.5 years as I have been completing my schooling as God has asked, that He would have made that picture more clear as the time went... or that I'd have a better idea of what I am to be doing once I finish my masters degree in social work. Yet, as the final semester slips away, I am left with no clearer a picture than the first day I started classes at CUHK. Regardless of how murky I feel that my future looks, it's nice to be reminded that God put passions and desires in me, He's also given me many promises that goes along with those passions and desires.  

These are all things that I know... but I needed the reminder. To be reminded once again that not knowing what lies ahead is okay. To know that I am walking towards God and that I need to continue to make Him my focus. The best is to be reminded that God has given me passions and purposes... that this path has not been started in vain, or on reckless decisions, but on  months of wrestling with God and praying and walking with Him before running straight at Him, recklessly abandoning all that makes sense in the worldly realm. At the end of the day... it's okay to be scared, to not know... and it's definitely okay to be completely broken by all that I encounter on a daily basis... When I don't let it break me, I know my heart becomes hard, and I am not soft to move freely in the Spirit with God. When I demand to have a firm grip on my life, and demand to know all the details of that which lies ahead, I'm telling God that I no longer trust Him and that I know better.

You know, life really hasn't been easy... but at the end of the day I trust that God knows that He is doing, so I keep walking. :)