Monday Musings...

"Your grace is enough." Everything that has happened in my life is a testimony of how God's grace is enough for me. It is all that I need, it is what sustains me. It is what has released me from my prison of lies... from all of my bondage. It is this grace that has restored joy in my heart. It was all by God's grace that I am where I am right now. I would never have been able to get to this place. I would not have this place at all. I would still be bonded, so angry, depressed, butter, no hope, no faith. I would probably still hate myself. ~ July 25, 2009

I found this as I was reading through old journals. I remember this day well, I was on the plane coming back to Hong Kong after having gone for a friend's wedding. When I left Hong Kong, there had been some drama in my life and I was sitting on the plane praying and journaling about letting go of all that into God's hands and getting ready to start afresh. 

That season of my life has been haunting me alot recently. I have had many strange dreams and nightmares. So today, I decided to do some digging back into that time in my life. What I found was not what I had expected. I actually don't even know what I was looking for... maybe just a nice walk down memory lane. Except that wasn't what I found because it wasn't a nice walk down memory lane. It was a blatant slap in my face. 

Considering it's also been 3 years since my last blog post... things of course have changed a lot in my life. I got married, had a baby... and now that baby turns 2 in a few days. I started and finished a job as a school counselor AND started a new project manager role with a new NGO. Still that only accounts for my possible lack of blogging and does not account for what I found through some old emails and journals. 

What I found was that I had changed... and not for the better. I had backtracked so far... it's a disgrace. I am so far from where I was that everything on this blog seems to have been written by someone else entirely! How ridiculous is that?! I am at a loss of words at myself... so I guess this blogpost serves as one of many steps I am taking to not "fix" myself but to 1) rediscover Christ and what that means personally and 2) to rediscover myself... and the things that used to make me who I was and how that all fits into who I am now as a wife, mother and worker. 

If anyone still follows this and reads this... prayers are much appreciated! 

Restless? Or something else....

Several years ago, I read this in Wild at Heart...

'Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.' Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. 'When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.' Now every daughter of Eve wants to 'control her surrounding, her relationships, her God.' No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. 'In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate so we don't feel so defenceless.' Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

I thought I understood this passage when it read it the first time... but I don't think I was truly in a place where I thought God was withholding from me. Lately... I get it. 

To end with this song from Kari Jobe....

Journal Entries... 3

Hmmm... it has been awhile since I've done a blog entry... and even longer since I've done an old journal entry. So, I've decided to do an old journal entry, this one is circa February 2010.

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory." ~ 1 Peter 1:8

It is easy to love someone and believe in someone when you can see them. When they are a tangible presence in your life, it is easy to care about them. Just like it is easy to thank God and praise God when all of His blessings in our lives are visible to us. When we cannot see His blessings, it gets harder to trust and believe that God is good and that He loves us.

The Journal Entries... 2

August 30th, 2011
I was at Kingdom Culture with Kris Vallotton and he said "Your destiny relies on your history, testimony and prophecy."

I wrote: ... then perhaps one day there will be a generation where boys and girls are both confident in their relationships with Christ that they can love each other as brothers and sisters in the way that God had intended.

...

God I will continue to trust that you will continue to lead me to where I need to go. I'm still at CKM for a reason and you let me get into CUHK for a reason. So I will wait to see what your purpose for making me do school this way is. I want to be that light that people had prophesized over me. Help me to be that light.
 
August 30th, 2010
"Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives makes no sense to unbelievers." ~ Francis Chan from Crazy Love

August 30th, 2009

"So we set our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18

And then God said: You said you wanted eternal joy and not temporary/momentary happiness, here is the answer. You want to see heaven on earth? Then keep traveling on the road less traveled. You wanted to know the desires of my heart. To break your heart with the things that break my heart. I didn't give you a passion to have you work a cushy well praying job within HSBC risk management. That HSBC door was opened because it was the only way you would come all the way back to Hong Kong at that time. But what are you doing now? Do you want to waste another 10-20 years before you'll answer my calling for your life? Great things require great sacrifice.

Trust me. Just trust me and take the plunge into the raging river.

The journal entries... 1

So... I have decided to take some old journal entries and start putting them up on my blog. This has been something which has been on my heart to do for awhile, and I've decided that the time has come for these things to be shared with others. So this will be my first attempt at doing so! Please, if you read this, give me a shout to let me know what you think. 

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~ Hebrews 12:2-3

Jesus endured the crucifixion for joy?! Reconciliation with man brings joy to God. Eternity with Christ, the promise of eternal life, it is for the joy that comes with these promises that Jesus died. The promise of eternity is the secret to eternal joy, the promise of eternity is what gives us the confidence to be bold. When we know what God has promised us... what His son's death on the cross really means for our lives... then we have joy that no one can steal or understand. Then we have a boldness that doesn't make sense.

God you are amazing. Thank-you that my confidence and identity comes from you first. Thank-you that before anything else I am your daughter, your princess, your wife, your lover, your friend and your sister. Before I am these things to anyone else I am these things to you.