Saturday Snippet...

Usually during the Christmas season I do an advent countdown of daily blogging... this year, I didn't. Why? I don't have a particular reason as to why... I think I just forgot. In the midst of finishing up placement, classes and starting a new job, everything just got crazy busy! 

So what have I been up to? I have been starting a new job. My new job... Children's Ministry Director with Inner City Ministries. I get the joy of looking after children's sunday school (run on a Saturday afternoon), and various different tutorial sessions throughout the week, as well the daunting task of coming up with a plan.. for efficient and lasting change to their education situations. OMG! hahaha... it's slightly insane! Here's a couple of my monkeys... :P

Aren't they so sweet? hahaha :) 

Anyways... in the midst of this... I find small blessings... and honestly if I don't keep my eyes open and heart focused, I feel like I will easily walk past them. It has been 3 days since I have been able to speak (I have never lost my voice for this long before.) I seriously woke up from a full 8 hours of sleep on Thursday morning to find that I no longer had a voice left. Same thing again on Friday morning.... and still this morning... my voice had not yet found it's way back to me... sigh... and an afternoon of chilling with my monkeys has not helped me to regain my voice any faster! :P

Currently I am trying to study for my one and only final exam this semester... Professional Values and Legal Knowledge.... so... b.o.r.i..n.g.... but distracted by planning of my New Year's trip to Korea! 

Excited for a couple of days away from Hong Kong, and time to spend catching up with some of my favourite ladies in the world. Even though I haven't known them very love... I hold them dear to my heart. :)

Just read this article.... "How to know when to walk away..." I found it interesting... ladies and gentleman... please, please, please don't use the God card when breaking up with someone... it does more damage than good.... I speak as someone who is still dealing with the effects of having been dealt the God card. I'd so much rather be angry with a person... than trying to deal with being angry at God... questioning my own relationship with God... questioning my own ability to hear God... and questioning and second guessing everything that I believe is from God now... That's the least edifying way to end a relationship. Just suck it up... and allow that person to be angry with you instead... and accept that you will not be their favourite person for awhile...

Anyways... enough ranting. I really am loving all new experiences as they come up through my new job... I know everyday that this is a place that God had prepared for me... that this is a job that God had created for me... and that I have been called into this ministry for a reason. Everyday I get small glimpses... and the more time I spend in the new... the more healthy I feel that it has been away. It's not that I have anything against my current friends and church... but it's hard. It's so nice to be with people who don't know... and perhaps that is what makes running away seem like such a nice alternative... but I won't run away. I shall just enjoy the new, while knowing that God has not called me away from my church or current group of friends. 

There is much to give thanks to God for in my life... so with that I hold up my head and say "Blessed be the name of the Lord!"

I will stand firm...

Lol! This made me laugh... because I say "I"m just being honest" alot... does that make me a jerk?? OH NO!!!

On other things.. been an extremely frustrating day... but I think the enemy is trying really hard to take me off course. Like REALLY hard! So many things coming my way... which means I really need to get off my arse and make it to EMP and PRAY for the new season ahead. Pray for work... pray for everything that is in my life... and all that has not arrived yet. 

I walked back and forth the CU campus... not once... but TWICE... I went to one building... walked to another.. back to that same building... and then back to that other building... twice!!! TWICE!! And it's so disgustingly humid outside... not impressed.

Disunity in the workplace... or trying to cause disunity in the workplace... so I shall ignore what sounded like discouragement... and continue to do my job. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Another job with more money... trying to give me significance where I had craved significance before?? I'm flattered... and tempted... but I said no. I know that this job is where I am to be at, and I'm going to stay put here.

Need to further ground myself in God... and to remove the things that not belong in my life. Victory is already mine through Christ. So I will claim that... need to claim that... must claim that and stop losing... Prayers much appreciated! 

Hump Day Happenings...

What an interesting day it has been.... 'twas an extremely busy day at work as I was rushing to finish off some lesson planning done that should be out today for the group to prepare for Saturday's kids program. Got most of that done and will finish off the worksheets tomorrow if I have time... hopefully I will.

Someone asked me something... that caught me off guard... and once again makes me think about boundaries... but you can't define boundaries with someone who won't talk to you... so... I guess all I can do is stay away for myself and hope that eventually presumptions or misconceptions will stop. That is all I will say about that for now. 

Best part of my day, hands down... dinner with the parents of one of my best friends. Love love LOVE that girl, and LOVE her parents! They're the most hilarious people ever! I miss holidays over at their place... turkey for thanksgiving... hotpot for the Christmas season. Driving out to Sherwood Park was always fun... Goodness... it's been a long time since we've all known each other. So much fun! I miss having her around... too bad she couldn't come to Hong Kong too... but I did just see her in Australia not too long ago... so I guess that's ok. There's always whatsapp.... solution to long distance texting. 

So here I am once again... reminiscing about Edmonton and missing a place that I once called home... and still call home most of the time. There are lots things that I miss... even though I know it's not the same anymore... and well, most people are married and have their own families... I still can't help but miss that place. I do want to visit... there are a lot of people I want to see... and things that I want to do. But I am also waiting for the right time. 

Anyways... just wanted to vent about missing home and how much I love the chance to talk about things which are so familiar to me... :) And to end off... a stupid stupid pic the best friend took of me cooking in Edmonton kitchen... man... I miss that kitchen... and drinking with her... as you can see we do in that pic hahahahaha LOL! :P 

Monday Musings...

It's been awhile since I've done my Monday Musings blog... so I thought I'd sit down and do one today.

So I just sat down and read this article. 

I found it quite interesting. What I really enjoyed was her Henri Nouwen quote. 

“In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me—naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken—nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude—a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work and my distractions, so I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.”

I too feat that nothingness. It's a scary place to be in... but I found this quote resounds so clearly the thoughts and feelings during my 6 month period of unemployment. I know that being unemployed for 6 months compared to some of my friends who have been unemployed for much longer periods, but we're not talking about them and their experiences at the moment, I'm sharing with you what I was feeling during those six months. 

It's really scary to be in that nothingness... but like the article says... that means we have put our value in what we do. Yet, I am not defined by my job at Christian Action, I'm not defined by my being a social worker student... I do not find worth in being a placement student with the Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups, and my new job at ICM does not once again return me to being a person of value. My value has and always will be that I'm a daughter of God.

I fight with this daily... that I am a person of value in the eyes of my Father in heaven. I'm not defined by the ways I serve or don't serve in church. I'm not a valued as a worker by the number of hours I put into work... None of that matters at the end of the day. God is the one to whom I must report to... and at the end of the day He's simply gonna ask me if I had been obedient to what He had called me to do. Which brings me to my next thought...

In the past while it had been brought to my attention that one of my gifts is faith... faith in God, in things... in people. I believe in things no one else of a normal mind would believe in. Prior to this, I thought I was just good at forgiving... letting go of past offences... (sometimes it takes longer than others... but eventually I get there) This past Sunday, someone prayed into me that God has gifted me with love. That He had equipped me with the ability to love supernaturally... to love beyond human understanding and reasoning... to love those who had hurt me... 

It was like a light suddenly turned on in my head. As it says in 1 Corinthians "...and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have no love, I am nothing." Despite that I hadn't really been paying attention while we've been doing this Gifts of Grace series... God still spoke. Hahaha... All of it is only possible because I love. I have faith in things because I love... and ultimately because God loves me! 

The second part was "Don't give up... God knows that it's been hard to love, but you can't give up loving those He had called you to love." It was like the flood gates had opened... I had been waiting so long... for that touch of God... for Him to show me that He's been hearing my cries... my pleas... my aching. I've been wanting to give up so bad... to just run away and hide in a hole... to not care about anything else anymore. 

It's been an interesting time... but I know this also isn't the end but just the beginning of God doing something inside of me. And as much as I want to run and hide from it, I know that the only thing that I can do is accept it and just let God do as He pleases in my life so that I can enter into the better that He has in store for me. 

Jesus Makes Up for Every Sacrifice

This is encouraging... it encouraged my heart today... hope it encourages yours as well! :)

Jesus Makes Up for Every Sacrifice:

Peter began to say to him, “See, we have left everything and followed you.” Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” (Mark 10:28–30)

Here's how John Piper explains Jesus's words to Peter in Mark 10:28–30:

What Jesus means here is that he himself makes up for every sacrifice.

If you give up a mother’s nearby affection and concern, you get back one hundred times the affection and concern from the ever-present Christ.

If you give up the warm comradeship of a brother, you get back one hundred times the warmth and comradeship of Christ.

If you give up the sense of at-homeness you had in your house, you get back one hundred times the comfort and security of knowing that your Lord owns every house.

To prospective missionaries, Jesus says, “I promise to work for and be for you so much that you will not be able to speak of having sacrificed anything.”

John G. Paton, missionary to the New Hebrides (today’s Vanuatu in the South Pacific) gives a beautiful testimony of the nearness and friendship of Christ when he was utterly alone, having lost his wife and child, and now surrounded by hostile natives as he hid in a tree.

I climbed into the tree and was left there alone in the bush. The hours I spent there live all before me as if it were but of yesterday. I heard the frequent discharging of muskets, and the yells of the savages. Yet I sat there among the branches, as safe in the arms of Jesus.

Never, in all my sorrows, did my Lord draw nearer to me, and speak more soothingly in my soul, than when the moonlight flickered among these chestnut leaves, and the night air played on my throbbing brow, as I told all my heart to Jesus.

Alone, yet not alone! If it be to glorify my God, I will not grudge to spend many nights alone in such a tree, to feel again my Savior’s spiritual presence, to enjoy His consoling fellowship.

If thus thrown back upon your own soul, alone, all alone, in the midnight, in the bush, in the very embrace of death itself, have you a Friend that will not fail you then? What was Jesus’s attitude to Peter’s “sacrificial” spirit?

Peter said, “We have left everything and followed you.” Is this the spirit of “self-denial” commended by Jesus? No, it is rebuked. Jesus said, “No one ever sacrifices anything for me that I do not pay back a hundredfold — yes, in one sense even in this life, not to mention eternal life in the age to come.”

Desiring God, Multnomah Books (Colorado Springs, CO), pages 240–241

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The above excerpt is the October 27 reading for Desiring God's free devotional app, Solid Joys (available for iPhone and iPad, soon for Android). We've picked a solid joy for every day of the year by identifying 365 of the best cuts from Piper's “big three” books (the “trilogy” of Desiring God, Pleasures of God, and Future Grace), along with key online content from the Desiring God site.


Our hope is that you'll be able to dive in for just a moment each day and come away with something solid to feed your joy in God.



Download the app for free in the iTunes store (or find it by searching for “John Piper” or “Desiring God” or “Solid Joys”).

Many residential streets still await blading

LOL! This is home... whilst HK is a friggin' twenty some degrees... I'm sweating in a cotton cardigan.... blah... I need to move back to higher latitudes...

Many residential streets still await blading:
Road crews still have to blade a majority of residential streets in Edmonton one week after the storm on Nov. 7th.

We can't be just friends...

According to this article.... you and I can't be just friends.... LOL!

Quote...

In the midst of my paper writing, I came across this quote, and I really like it. 

"An unplanned pregnancy is a crisis. Although an abortion may end the crisis, it seldom resolves the original conflicts.”

Something that I want you to know...

Recently I had found out that one of the refugee families that I had the privilege of working with before has been accepted for resettlement in the US. I had met the husband while he was making falafel for World Refugee Day (which also coincided with my first week of work... amongst other things that year... :P) and now as they get ready to leave for the US, they've invited me over for lunch for... Falafel! Hahaha... it's funny. 

This family is very close to my heart because even though I had only known them for a little over two years, I feel like I had gotten to walk with them through so much. I remember first feeling the injustice of the whole UNHCR system... how they had accepted only half the family for resettlement but they didn't wanted to be separated and getting on my knees before God for them. I remember asking God why stuff like this happened? I couldn't understand why it was so complicated! 

Now... I have seen them go through so much ups and downs in the past year, but I'm so excited that they're finally here, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. I'll miss them like crazy because they're one of those families that God has placed in my heart... but I also know that even if I never see them again on earth, I'll will get to see them in heaven. :)

Still... farewells are always hard.  

It's been almost 5 years...

There was really no other way to label this entry. It's been almost 5 years... and I think for the first time I wept. I wept for a place that I call home... but have never really cried for. I was suddenly so overwhelmed by my sense of lonliness of being in Hong Kong... how much I missed my friends... how much I had missed of their lives in the past 5 years... and how much of my life they had missed.... and I just wept.. and wept... and wept... and am still weeping. 

I don't totally understand... but I know that at the moment I feel lonely in Hong Kong. I also know that the sudden large influx of friends from home have left me with a longing for the relationships that have been formed for years... and seem to have become timeless... that no matter how long it has been we can sit down and chat away for hours over anything and everything. A longing for the people who saw me through my forming years... my most trying years... and my years of most pain... that they can be walking with me now as I'm walking through another season of pain. 

I really miss Edmonton (... and Calgary, I guess). I really miss all my friends... all the places we used to chill in... all the stupid things we used to get up to... my home... my car... I miss all of it. I dislike that I missed so many weddings, engagements and birth of babies... I know that Hong Kong has been good for me... and that this is where I need to be for this season... but right now I'm hurting... and I want to go nurse my wounds in the midst of those who have walked with me before... 

It has been almost 5 years... and this is the first time that I have felt so sad....

Truthful Thursdays

I was about to start talking about how today was Wednesdays... and how we like to call it hump day when I realized that... it was Thursday! I've decided to label this Truthful Thursdays... and this is why.

Recently, I've been posting these status updates on Facebook regarding having my dreams come true... about finding a job... and how good my God has been to me. These are truths. Nothing about any of that stuff is wrong. I am having one of my dreams realized as SaveOne begins it's second course in Hong Kong. If you're curious, SaveOne is a post-abortion healing Bible Study. If you, or anyone you know has had an abortion and is looking for healing through Christ... point them in my direction! I would love to share about this more. This has been one of my dreams since... I laid down my own dreams for God's.... so I guess this is our dream. And our prayer is for people to truly find freedom from the lies and darkness that an abortion may have put around them. There IS freedom in Christ, and it is available to everyone. 

Secondly, I am starting a new job in November. This too has been God-sent. I get to do ministry in a non-church setting. It involves children, it involves spreading the love of God... prayer... loving on people... I'm excited for this job. This is what I've been yearning for. 

So... God has been good to me. Nothing about that is untruthful. BUT... at the end of the day, there is this ache in my heart. There is an anger... a relentless anger that refuses to diffuse itself. That is the truth as well... that despite everything that God has been doing latley... regardless of all the love that God has been pouring into me... I can't stop being the ache in my heart... which has become an anger. 

Then... this anger just makes me more angry because I feel like an ungrateful brat standing in front of God. I'm so upset... but God is so good, I should just let everything else be and be joyful and gracious. I tried so hard... and I just can't get there. 

And... THAT is Truthful Thursday. Just being honest...

No Regrets

You know, 3 years ago, I was wondering if I should leave my job at HSBC. I was wondering if I could just walk away from my career in banking to pursue a degree in social work. Looking back, I don't think I completely understood what it meant to be a social worker. I felt that it was right... I knew that it was something that God was asking me to pursue... but it wasn't an easy process. This was one of prayers during that time. God had given me a picture of me standing on a cliff at the top of a water fall... and he was asking me to trust Him, and just jump.

"God, I do want to jump, but I'm scared. I want to jump and be free to jump, no life jacket. Free to jump, to just jump and know that I'll be okay when I hit the water at the bottom. I know that if I don't jump, the future will not be what it can be. I need to find the confidence to be able to jump off that rock and into the raging waters. God, show me how to remove the doubts. Do whatever it takes so that I don't have those doubts and so that I can jump without a care. Do whatever you need, because I want to jump, to be free to jump and feel the wind through my hair... I want to live out that picture."

That was one of my favourite times of being in God's presence. It wasn't during a worship service... or even quiet time at home. This was me putting my head down for a nap during lunch time one day at my desk at HSBC. I still remember how real it felt... and how free it felt... it has been the defining moment in my life. It was at that moment that I knew there was not other way. The moment I tasted the freedom of jumping off that cliff in total surrender to God's will and purposes for my life, I knew that there would be no turning back. 

And here I am 3 years later... this morning I sat in the ICM office with Martin. He told me that the choice was mine. Sometimes God opens doors and closes doors, but that he felt that God was telling me that the choice was mine. At that moment, I was reminded of all the times that God had left the choice to me. It flooded me with how much God loves me, delights in me, and trusts me. Time after time, God tells me to choose... and I think He does that because He knows that I'll always choose Him. He knows my heart so well..

Life since jumping off that cliff hasn't been the easiest, but as hard as it has been, it has been worth it. Not getting into school after leaving my job for it was NOT fun... but he rewarded that with my job at Christian Action, which I believe God used to open my eyes and to expand my heart. It was NOT fun when my relationship with best friend broke down... but I know that God was just saving me from further heart break and stress. Having to study my degree in Chinese has been difficult... but God is teaching me that this isn't going to be done on my own abilities but only by leaning on His strength and grace. Not getting to go to Cambodia was a huge disappointment, but I know that God was teaching me to not run away and the beauty of His timing. Not getting to do an overseas placement in Canada, and then finding out that my placement was in a VERY local Hong Kong setting has been really frustrating... but once again... this is about what He wants me to do... and not what I think I can do. Losing my job the way I did left me bitter and jaded... but God was once again just protecting me. He does it out of love. 

So this morning, I once again decided that I want to follow God. I want to follow him into what looks uncertain and scary... because I know that through those doors is something greater that He wants to show me. I won't lie, I'm scared that I'll burn out.. I'm scared that I'll get stressed out... I'm scared of what lies in the next 2 years as finish school and pursue this job at ICM, but my heart is also excited. God said this is my next stepping stone. I wasn't wrong when I started, and I never heard wrong... this is the next step in his preparation work for me, so that I get to go out to the place He will call me to go. 

I know that this won't be getting easier... and it's been lonely. I know that God is walking with me... but it's lonely to walk this by myself feeling like I'm the only one who sees what I see... who feels what I feel... that pain... that brokenness... in the world. But I still refuse to settle... I have never regretted jumping off that cliff, and I still don't. I may be either unemployed or making half of what I could be making at the bank... but the fire in my heart wouldn't be burning as strong as it did now if I had stayed. Even thought it's been hard... being in God's will has been worth. Just knowing that I'm walking with Him has been enough to let me know that jumping was the best decision I've ever made!

Tuesday Tossings...

For awhile now I have been waiting to be sent out to the mission field. It's not that I am refusing to accept my time here in Hong Kong, but I also know that there's more in store for me... and that Hong Kong is not it for me. My circumstances in Hong Kong at the moment had gotten me to the place where I simply became impatient. I was so frustrated with everything I see in front of me that I did want to run away from here. To get away from the things that make me angry, the things that make me upset, the things that I simply could not stand anymore. 

In the midst of all that, God finally gave me a glimpse of hope. Finally an understanding of perhaps why has is keeping me in Hong Kong at this time. Another step towards the destiny that God has called me into... Right now I don't know if this is the reason or not, but all I can do is follow obediently. If the door slams in my face again, I will cry for awhile and then I will get up and keep following. I know that what God has called me to do will not be easy, nor did I sign up for an easy path ahead, so I will shake myself off and continue to follow my God down the hard and narrow road. 

I spent my weekend at the Women on the Frontlines conference. Where the speakers were Heidi Baker, Patricia King and Stacy Campbell. Three women who are doing God's work on the frontlines. I know one day, I too will get to see the things that they shared about, that I too will have my time when I get to go out to the frontlines and see with my own eyes. Until then, God has said be patient. He hasn't forgotten, but the time has not come yet. "Be patient and obedient with what I HAVE placed in front of you and let me take care of the rest" says God. So right now all I can do is be patient... not something I am good at, but by His love and grace I will do my best.  

Early Friday Mornings...

God: Why are you asking for a message in the sky?

Me: Because I want you to confirm things.

God: But you already heard me in the still small voice.

Me: Oh... but... 

God: What other way are you expecting me to speak?

Me: I said message in the sky?

God: Do you need to go and read about Elijah again?

Me: No... point taken. You win... again. I'll make things happen.

I don't know I'm beautiful...

The simple truth at the moment... I don't believe what God has spoken... and you know how he got my attention? Through a One Direction song...

"If only you saw what I can see"... God says it to me so many times.... those were the words of Karla from 2010 as well. "If you could only see what I'm seeing!" God wants me, He has orchestrated every single detail of my life as it is at this moment because there is one thing that he really wants me to do... you could even say "one direction" in which he wants me to go in... hahaha... 

It's hard for me... for as long as I can remember, I've been told that I'm fat... that I'm ugly... that I'm average... but do you know that God is telling me that I'm stunning? That I have the power to light up a whole room. That I am so incredibly beautiful. These are the things that God says to me... and I still haven't reached that place where I can see nor understand those words. Those words still have not been able to take root in my heart... and be lived out.... 

Frustrations...

I was thinking about how lucky I am to have grown up in North America today... and especially to have grown up in Alberta... and even Edmonton at that.  Somehow that upbringing puts division between other Hong Kong people and myself. This, I hate. I dislike that some look to me in admiration thinking that I am of a different social class because I had the good fortune to grow up overseas and am fluent in English. Then there is the group of the opposite who seem to look at with scorn because of my western background and treat me like I'm a horrible person out to make them look bad. To be very honest, this is one reason why I don't want to work in a local setting.

That's not what got me to start thinking though. I was thinking about this because I was asked about career planning today. It breaks my heart that 17, 18 year old young people feel the pressure to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I remember being their age and being completely lost and not really knowing what I wanted out of life. I had this crazy dream of becoming a pediatrician, which quickly faded when my marks in life sciences related courses were so bad! But regardless, that was what university was for... exploration! I had the freedom to go from dreaming of a career as a doctor, then in neuroscience, then forensics, then actuarial sciences... and at the end of it came out of university with a bachelor of science in mathematics and mathematical sciences. Which followed with my starting work in banking... and x number of years later, here I am unemployed and studying my masters in social work! What a journey it has been! 

Then again... before even getting there, I had the freedom to apply for universities as I pleased. There was never a real fear that I wouldn't get into ANY university... I don't understand Hong Kong's students fear of not being able to fight for a spot in the universities in Hong Kong. If you were an honours student... you were most likely gonna get in. Then again, there was no perception that if you didn't get into university, you'd be a failure. The stigma of going in a trade... or community college is not has bad as it is here in Hong Kong. I had okay marks, and had the freedom of applying to any university within Canada... and even wrote my SATs so that I could apply for schools in the US... but that's a whole 'nother story. 

It just breaks my heart that these young people are so anxious and stressed out about this. That they're so worried about filling in their university application wrong and making a mistake that will affect them for the rest of their lives. That is some crazy pressure! There seems to be no flexibility. Perhaps, it's also because I come from parents who either a) didn't get to go to university or b) went to university but decided to change career paths after working in that field... so I have the fortune of having parents who have given me a lot of freedom to make decisions and change my mind. 

Sure... I had friends who knew what they wanted to do at the age of 14... but they were few and rare. Most of them were just as lost and confused as I was. I wish I could tell them to just pursue the things on their hearts... but I'm afraid of getting angry phone calls from various parents complaining about "bad" advice I was giving to their children. *sigh* We'll see... I'm just gonna trust that God will give me the right words to share when I talk to these kids. 

On other things... my dream is so close. It's actually within grasp... but I believe I am the one who needs to step out to open the door to reach for it. Right now I'm just starring at the door and wondering if I even want to walk through it... if that door is even suppose to be for me. Everything that I had been walking towards... well... the ONE thing that I was walking towards since I took that plunge into the raging waterfalls with God back in 2009... it's so close. It wasn't what I thought it would look like, but it's pretty darn crazy... and it's exactly one of the things which have been on my heart! Now if only I had the courage to take that step out...

 

You Obey the One You Fear

Reposted from Desiring God website... an awakening call regarding insecurities...

You Obey the One You Fear:
At the root of insecurity — the anxiety over how others think of us — is pride. This pride is an excessive desire for others to see us as impressive and admirable. Insecurity is the fear that they won’t, but instead they will see us as deficient. As King Saul¹ shows us, it’s a dangerous fear because insecurity can lead to great disobedience.

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Samuel’s heart was broken and heavy as he neared Saul’s camp at Gilgal. Israel’s first king had failed so soon and so seriously.

And Samuel was tired. He’d been up all night prayerfully mourning the Lord’s words, “I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following me and has not performed my commandments.”

And he was angry. The Lord had already severely disciplined Saul for officiating the burnt offering² when he knew it transgressed the Law. But God had been gracious in giving him another chance by sending him to carry out judgment on the Amalekites. The instructions could not have been clearer. They had not been obeyed.

The old prophet trembled at the word he must deliver to an armed king who feared public humiliation more than the Holy One.

Saul was all smiles when he saw Samuel. “Blessed be you to the Lord. I have performed the commandment of the Lord.”

Samuel had to bite his tongue. “What then is this bleating of the sheep in my ears and the lowing of the oxen that I hear?”

Saul felt immediately exposed. Alone he had figured that fudging some on the instructions really wouldn’t matter. But now he knew he had gravely presumed. He fumbled for words. “They have brought them from the Amalekites, for the people spared the best of the sheep and of the oxen to sacrifice to the Lord your God, and the rest we have devoted to destruction.”

This was a smoke screen. “Stop!” Samuel cried. He could not bear Saul trying to cover disobedience with cosmetic righteousness. Nor his cowardly hiding behind the people. “I will tell you what the Lord said to me this night.”

Saul was defensive in his guilt. “Speak,” he said with a bravado disguise.

“Though you are little in your own eyes, are you not the head of the tribes of Israel? The Lord anointed you king over Israel. And the Lord sent you on a mission and said, ‘Go, devote to destruction the sinners, the Amalekites, and fight against them until they are consumed.’ Why then did you not obey the voice of the Lord?”

Then looking over at the plump livestock, the price of Saul’s kingdom, Samuel said, “Why did you pounce on the spoil and do what was evil in the sight of the Lord?”

Saul was defiant in his denial. “I have obeyed the voice of the Lord. I have gone on the mission on which the Lord sent me. I have brought Agag the king of Amalek, and I have devoted the Amalekites to destruction. But the people took of the spoil, sheep and oxen, the best of the things devoted to destruction, to sacrifice to the Lord your God in Gilgal.”

Samuel just hung his head in disappointment. And he shook it with a subtleness that stung Saul as much as anything the prophet had said…yet.

With teary eyes on the ground, Samuel said, “Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry.”

Samuel then paused and caught his breath. Slowly he looked up into Saul’s guilt-shy eyes. “Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has also rejected you from being king.”

Saul nervously glanced at the wordless watching men around him. He was sweating. “I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice.”

---

Saul is a sober reminder to us that we obey the one we fear. He feared the people — he loved his reputation — and despised God. Being little in our own eyes can be either righteous or ruinous. It’s righteous if we see God as big and us as small. This actually frees us from fear. But it’s ruinous if the approval of man is what’s big to us because it always leads to disobeying God.

When we fail in this area, and all of us do at some point, God calls us not to remorse but to repentance. Saul was remorseful, but not repentant. He pursued the god of his own glory over the God who gave him that glory right to his death on Mount Gilboa. And he became lethally paranoid with insecurity.

So let us repent of our insecurities and say with Peter and the disciples, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). For the wise and humble “fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28).

---

¹This meditation is taken from 1 Samuel 15.

²1 Samuel 13:8-14

---

Previous posts from Jon Bloom:

• Fight the Poverty of Attention
• Your Emotions Are a Gauge, Not a Guide
• When You're in a Spiritual Storm, Trust Your Instruments

Journal Entries... 3

Hmmm... it has been awhile since I've done a blog entry... and even longer since I've done an old journal entry. So, I've decided to do an old journal entry, this one is circa February 2010.

"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory." ~ 1 Peter 1:8

It is easy to love someone and believe in someone when you can see them. When they are a tangible presence in your life, it is easy to care about them. Just like it is easy to thank God and praise God when all of His blessings in our lives are visible to us. When we cannot see His blessings, it gets harder to trust and believe that God is good and that He loves us.

On Breaking Up... Part 2

So... over a year ago, I had posted a post on breaking up... here.

And here we are... at my second post about this. I guess I've finally decided to write another post about it because... well... I've been asked about it so many times in the past 2 months. I kid you not... the amount of people I have talked to about breaking up... and heartbreak is too much... that MY heart is starting to feel like it's just been broken all over again. My heart goes out to anyone who has had their heart broken recently! I know it sucks, but persevere through it, I promise... well, not so much just me, but even more so, GOD promises that there's light at the end of what seems like a dark dark tunnel! 

So in my last breaking up post, I wrote about one of the most common questions, which was "Do you ever stop loving that person?" Today, I want to write about what I have decided to deem the most common statement! "I don't want him/her to get over this first." Well.. some form of that statement. 

Let's be honest, we've all said that in breaking up... at some point in the grieving process. Whether in self-pity or anger at the other person for leaving us here in the pit of heartbreak. I know I have said it... more than once... in the past year or so. Maybe not in quite as colourful language as I had in my first heartbreak... but more or less... the statement was proclaimed. 

So going on my theme of taking the higher road... I'm going to throw it out there and say that this thinking is WRONG! I am convicting myself as much as I am talking to the rest of you who are in a competition with your ex to "be the first" to be over the other. Let's get over ourselves already! The getting over process is NOT a competition between you and the ex... it is a process that involves God and you... and maybe people keeping you accountable. The less you know of how the other person is doing... the better. Unless you can hear about how they're doing and be genuinely happy about it...STOP FACEBOOK STALKING THEM! You're honestly just making life worse for yourself.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." ~ Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)

Remember that God called us to love our enemies? The above isn't just a calling for people we love... to not be upset with them... or people we like having in our lives. This is a calling for those who have hurt us and upset us as well. There's no "BUT" in the above statement... that says "BUT if that guy/girl broke your heart, it's okay to hold unforgiveness in your heart." I've checked throughout the whole Bible... it's NOT in there. Sorry... as much we'd all like that passage to be in there... it's just not. 

I know what I'm proposing is not the easiest thing to live out... and I too am figuring out what that looks like. I am not claiming to have this whole breaking-up thing all figured out... but I also know that my God asks of me will always leave me with the least amount of regrets at the end of the day. He has never let me down in the area... ever! If God can bring reconciliation with THE ex... I trust that God can reconcile us to anyone in our lives. Actually scrap that statement! If GOD can reconcile US to HIM... He can reconcile us to anyone!

"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation." ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 (ESV)

I believe that it is so selfish to proclaim that we don't want the other person to be "better" first. In wishing such things, I no longer live as Christ wishes me to live. I am living by the flesh... and therefore I am choosing to put those thoughts to death in me. I wouldn't want someone else to be wishing death upon me either... that's horrible! Do you want your ex to wish that you stayed miserable until you felt better?! Think about that!

Choose life... choose God... it's hard, but I challenge you to try! When all you wanna curse... life that person up in prayer... and see the work that God does in YOU! Release yourself from the other person... let them be... and allow God to love on YOU! 

That's my 2 cents... hahaha... you can disagree with me if you want... but I stand by what I believe about breaking up! It's what God told me. :) 

Monday (not so Morning) Musings..

So... it's been awhile since I've done a Monday Morning Musings entry... but thought I would sit down and give it a go today. :)

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." ~ John 13:34-35

This is one of my favourite passages, and part of Justin's message from Saturday. :) Nothing is as nourishing and encouraging to the soul as when He confirms the things that He shares through those around you! 

Other than that... more so than Justin's message for community, this passage is my heart for what it means to be a family of God. This is so central to being different from the world and society around us. For me, this is what makes reconciliation within the community possible... and also why even though it is hard, it is a must in the family. 

I'm learning to see how much of an idealist I am, but my desire is not to make life difficult for everyone. I know this is hard to live out... I struggle with it on a daily basis, but this is the lifestyle that God has challenged me with. Because through this... we get to experience Heaven on earth. 

I'll be honest, lately my desire to live out this verse... and to encourage it has been wavering. I have seen so much pain... so much hurt... hurts that warrant revenge more so than forgiveness and reconciliation. Pain that tugs at my heart to demand that justice be done for my sisters in Christ... but this past weekend God reminded me that is not His way. 

Right now, I don't know how this works. How do you encourage forgiveness when someone is so obviously hurting so badly? At the moment, I am at a lost... I know only to pray. I am waiting on God for His plan. At the moment, all I know is that when we lay down our lives, our pride... God comes through and changes things in the Spiritual which will overflow in the physical. What seems impossible to the world is completely possible with God... and with that in mind... I will continue to push into this. I want people to know what we can't settle for what is acceptable and expected by the rest of the world.. that they can want more, and that God will allow them to reach the more only if they allow Him!

In Christ Alone...

But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 

 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

(John 8:1-11)

So, seven years ago, God revealed this passage to me. He revealed it to me when I went on my first short term missions trip. (I say first because I don't count Grand Prairie as my first trip... I was being paid to be up there, it was my job.) Anyways... first missions trip, we went up to Assumption, a Aboriginal Reserve in northern Alberta. It was on this trip when this passage basically came to life for me. It wasn't because I saw the girls in the woman, but because I found myself in her. 

It was my first encounter with God when I began to realize that I was so unworthy, and so undeserving of His death on the cross. It was the beginning of me starting to see how broken I was as a person, and how deserving of death I was... but because of Christ I stand uncondemned. Never before that summer had Jesus' words to the woman "Then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin," pierced to deeply into my heart. Never had His words reflected so clearly to me the dire state I was in, and how desperately I was in need of God. 

Since then... I had realized how little of it was about what I did in someone else's life while on a missions trip, but what God did for them on a daily basis. The desire for others to meet with God was because of this unconditional love that He pours out... the acceptance and reassurance of who we are that can only come from our Heavenly Father.  How do you share that with someone if you've never reached that place of desperation for God yourself? If you don't understand what a gift it is that we have in Christ... how undeserving we are of it... how do you share what with others?

Last Monday, I went to watch Nefarious. A documentary about sex trafficking. The facts about sex trafficking wasn't what broke me down into tears, it was watching the testimonies of the girls share about their encounters with Jesus. On their faces, it was so evident that they had come face to face with the unconditional love of Christ... that they had found their acceptance and worth in Christ when nothing else could get through to them. It immediately brought me back to the passage in John 8. Through the testimonies of these girls who had been trafficked, my God took me deeper into that story. He showed me the brokeness of that woman... the guilt and shame... the hopelessness... the lack of self worth... the rejection... and how HE was the only one who could come in and wipe that from their hearts and their minds... and reveal to them how precious they are.

I came out of that so angry... and so frustrated at God. I didn't want to finish school no more, I just wanted to get out into the field... to reach these girls.... to introduce them to Jesus... to see those life transformations for myself... but all He kept telling me was that the time has not yet come, and that I was not yet ready. 

Then this past Sunday... I really wanted prayer. Well... I've been wanting prayer for a while now... but I've been too proud to walk up to the front for prayer... or ask any of my friends for it. The American Korean man asked me what I wanted prayer for... I said healing of my heart. As he started to pray... what came out wasn't what I had anticipated... but He called out that God wants to use me, to reach girls like myself... to bring healing to them... to help them... that I was to be a mighty warrior for God.

I could do nothing but cry... because nothing has changed... God hasn't forgotten... we are still on the right path... my time will come. One day, I will see John 8 come to life before my very eyes... He's promised.    

Waiting.. deserts.. and other things...

So... I have returned from the Adventures of Us - Down Under Edition. I've returned drained... and as RQ would say... rather chilled and mellowed out. 

Many thoughts plague me as I stepped off the plane. I return with a heavy heart and clouded mind... haunted by the feelings and thoughts that I once had so long ago... tired of the mental battle within myself that I'm changed... that I'm stronger... that I'm a new creation. 

Perhaps somethings never change... perhaps some gaps can't be bridged... or perhaps that gap has simply widened over time and distance. Whatever the reason, the distance remains. But it is not this gap not distance that I want to talk about... but what has remained within me after so many years.

Words of death... I now realize why I've developed such negative speech patterns... such demeaning speech patterns. I'm sorry. God and I are gonna work on that one... failed today already. *sigh*

My 3's a crowd mentality... let's not even get started on that one. Definitely wanna kick this one to the curb.

So many destructive thinking patterns brought up in the past couple of weeks... thank goodness God calls me a work in progress..

Reflections aside... I feel my God is asking me to continue waiting. I'm not really sure what it is that I am suppose to be waiting for me... I have some guesses... but that is not important because it's not really about waiting for something... at the end of the day, it's all about waiting for God. So He has asked me to wait patiently for Him to do His thing. 

So why the picture above? Hahaha... which is not really something someone says to someone who is waiting. I need to not waste another minute avoiding this lesson, or period of waiting... or time in the desert that God is trying to take me into. 

My thoughts are all over the place... basically... a time of waiting is before me... and I'm being reluctant to enter it... because waiting is hard for me.  But I will go knowing that He has gone before me to prepare this place for me.

 

A Prayer for a Lukewarm Heart

Dear Friends, I hope you find this challenging... :)

A Prayer for a Lukewarm Heart:
O Infinitely Passionate Father,


You have created me with the capacity for deep affections — to love, to loathe, to desire, to delight, to excite, to grieve, to laugh, to enjoy, to fear, to be depressed, to be thankful. And you made me this way that I may glorify you by finding you my Supreme Satisfaction and the Fountain of everything delightful.


But I confess that my affections for you are often grievously tepid while my selfish interests steam.

• I am bold to defend my own honor and reputation and often timid to defend yours.
• I am quick to satisfy my bodily appetites and often slow to feed my soul with the Bread of Life.
• I squander moments devoted to communing with you while carefully protecting moments devoted to banal entertainment.
• I am distracted from speaking with you by books that need straightening, email that needs answering, and a bald spot in the yard that needs seeding.

I am easily and foolishly concerned with worldly success and prosperity while languid and unmoved about the greater things of another world!


And I know that my errant affections are most offensive to you when I hear of the infinite height, depth, and length, and breadth of your love for me in Christ Jesus,

• Of your giving your infinitely dear Son to be offered up a sacrifice for my sins,
• Of the unparalleled love of the innocent, holy, and tender Lamb of God, manifested in his dying agonies, bloody sweat, loud and bitter cries, and bleeding heart,
• And all this to redeem an enemy like me from deserved, eternal burnings, and give to me unspeakable and everlasting joy and glory,
• And my response is cool, lethargic, and indifferent.

O gracious Father, thank you that your Son’s great sacrifice is so great and so sufficient that it pays even for such sins of erroneous affections!


But, my affectionate Father, I am humbled to the dust that I am not more affected at what affects you! I repent of being “slothful in zeal”! No more, Father! Make me boil in spirit as I serve you (Romans 12:11)! To be moved by your glorious gospel and precious promises (2 Peter 1:4) is why you gave me affections! Nothing in earth or heaven is greater or more important.


Today, I take to heart your Son’s warning: “Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm… I will spit you out of my mouth” (Revelation 3:15–16). Merciful Father, make me hot! Whatever it takes, whatever it costs me, give me the Spirit-salve for my heart-eyes (Revelation 3:18) so that I may see what is Real, believe what is True, treasure what is Valuable, and forsake what is worthless.


In the name of Jesus, your glorious Son, the Pearl of Great Price, amen.


This prayer was inspired by and adapted from a portion of Jonathan Edwards’s book, Religious Affections (the last three paragraphs of Part 1).


________


Previous posts from Jon Bloom —

• If You Feel Overwhelmed, Eat!
• The Cross Guarantees the Death of Our Dark Guest
• When the Angel Didn't Come

Almost to the end... or the beginning of something new :)

So... some questions I've been asked a lot in the past month is:
1. So, now what?
2. How are you feeling?
3. Are you worried?

Rather than trying to answer these questions a bazillion times (I'm so loved! :P) I'm going to just blog this, ok?

Let's start with how I'm feeling, which will be tied together with "Are you worried?" Someone gave me a verse... and I think it is a good representation of how I am feeling.

"And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earhtly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:7, The Amplified

I am at peace with what is going on in my regarding this area of work. Yes, I may have lost my job, and don't have a next step ready. But I am quite at peace about it. I'm not really anxious or worried. My God has shown up time and time again to show me that He is Jehovah Jireh. God is the one who gave me this job that I have lost... and before I lost my job, He reminded me that even if I were to lose this job, it would be by His hand. He would have allowed it because He is in control... therefore He must have a reason and purpose for it. So I trust that my God is up to something, and all that is left for me to do at this time is to seek Him! I am excited, because no work means I get to spend time with God! :)

When this verse was given to me, I was actually reminded of another verse that comes before this. 

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." ~ Philippians 4:4-6 (ESV)

Someone one wrote me an email about this verse awhile ago... the peace comes from knowing and being confident in knowing that "the Lord is at hand." The idea that God is there, He is not far... He is ready to fight for me... Whenever I get nervous or scared, I just have to reach out my hand, and He will be right there. The email comes with a really happy and cute picture... and it was a good reminder for me. :) 

Having said all that, so now what? Honestly, I don't know. Right now, at least for the next 5 days I will be busy paper writing for my last 2 papers... to finish of Year 1 of my degree! Then spend some time meeting up and catching up with people, as well as spending some time asking, seeking and knocking with God. Then... it's off to Australia for 3 weeks to spend some quality time with my 2 bestests from good ol' E-town! Placement will commence within 2 weeks of my return... and we will see what God has revealed by then to give you a further update on what I will be doing next.

I don't know what's next, but I'm excited about it. God has been speaking alot... confirming alot... or just reassuring a lot. I know that this next season might not be easy... but He has been reminding me that His ways are higher than mine, and His way is ALWAYS worth it! So with that as my anchor, I will keep walking into the murky waters knowing that my God loves me and that because He gave up His life for me... all that I may encounter will be worth it!  

So I am doing very well, thank-you for asking. :)

My thoughts... this Am

Okay... I was reading the newspaper this moring and I'm just so saddened... or maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but it made my heart cry.

This is the article that I was reading. And these were the things that made me sad... maybe I should stop reading The Standard.... it's actually such bad news reporting...

"According to Social Workers' General Union president Peter Cheung Kwok-che, the traditional view of marriage being an "iron contract" has broken down over the years as the younger generation absorb more liberal, Westernized values.

...

Hong Kong Institute of Family Education chairman Tik Chi-yuen said the survey points to a social trend in which young adults favor a "fantasy marriage" based on romantic love and youth.


He attributed this to the preponderance of overseas romantic movies and dramas that almost always end in an exchange of marital vows. Local television also plays its part, Tik said. For example, an ongoing local reality show called Brides Wannabes showed single women getting schooled by professionals on the art of snaring an eligible partner."

"Westernized values"? What exactly are these westernized values?! Forget the finger-pointing and the blaming game. I had started this as an "I'm so dissatisfied and angry at HK people for always blaming others for their problems." But... I must repent of my anger, and my own bias towards my own people. Let's look at the bigger picture... which is that this the enemy's attack on God's picture and plan for marriage. I believe in God, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, so to me there is only one picture of marriage that is correct, and that is God's!

In Mark 10 Jesus says, "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." 

There is no such thing as fantasy marrige. All those movies, K-dramas, Canto-dramas, Taiwanese dramas, chick flicks, reality TV shows... etc etc... their depiction of marriage has so distorted what God had intended for marrige.

In Genesis 2, "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

In Ephesians 5, Paul describes marriage as "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

To unravel all of that theologically took Tim Keller like 7 sermons, so I'm not even gonna get into that. My point is that marriage is not meant to be easy... it is meant to be self-less. A dying of yourself, to pick up the cross to follow Christ. It is for God... to bring God glory, not to satisfy our own desires, or dreams or whatever. Perhaps you may find me idealistic... but too "Godly"... I can't control that. These are my thoughts... and I believe that marriage was desigined by God, to bring glory to God, and it makes my heart cry when I see what it's been turned into... and how easily people can divorce nowadays...

This is war my friends. And... in many parts of the world... in many marriages... the enemy is winning. Are you willing to stand in the gap for this? To take back for God what belongs to Him?!