Monday Musings...

"Your grace is enough." Everything that has happened in my life is a testimony of how God's grace is enough for me. It is all that I need, it is what sustains me. It is what has released me from my prison of lies... from all of my bondage. It is this grace that has restored joy in my heart. It was all by God's grace that I am where I am right now. I would never have been able to get to this place. I would not have this place at all. I would still be bonded, so angry, depressed, butter, no hope, no faith. I would probably still hate myself. ~ July 25, 2009

I found this as I was reading through old journals. I remember this day well, I was on the plane coming back to Hong Kong after having gone for a friend's wedding. When I left Hong Kong, there had been some drama in my life and I was sitting on the plane praying and journaling about letting go of all that into God's hands and getting ready to start afresh. 

That season of my life has been haunting me alot recently. I have had many strange dreams and nightmares. So today, I decided to do some digging back into that time in my life. What I found was not what I had expected. I actually don't even know what I was looking for... maybe just a nice walk down memory lane. Except that wasn't what I found because it wasn't a nice walk down memory lane. It was a blatant slap in my face. 

Considering it's also been 3 years since my last blog post... things of course have changed a lot in my life. I got married, had a baby... and now that baby turns 2 in a few days. I started and finished a job as a school counselor AND started a new project manager role with a new NGO. Still that only accounts for my possible lack of blogging and does not account for what I found through some old emails and journals. 

What I found was that I had changed... and not for the better. I had backtracked so far... it's a disgrace. I am so far from where I was that everything on this blog seems to have been written by someone else entirely! How ridiculous is that?! I am at a loss of words at myself... so I guess this blogpost serves as one of many steps I am taking to not "fix" myself but to 1) rediscover Christ and what that means personally and 2) to rediscover myself... and the things that used to make me who I was and how that all fits into who I am now as a wife, mother and worker. 

If anyone still follows this and reads this... prayers are much appreciated! 

Hump Day Happenings...

Well... technically this happened yesterday, but oh well. 

Last night one of my bridesmaid and I went to the Island ECC clothing sale . They're raising funds for a new church building, and I still need a wedding dress (kind of). Plus, I had heard some good things about their last sale, so I decided to go with her and check things out. I did not expect to find our own Christian version of Bride Wars there... other than the dress that we might potentially get... that was probably the best part of the evening! Not including the dinner with said bridesmaid and her husband. 

So we arrived, and we looked around at their wedding dress collection. Most of the stuff were pretty over the top for me, but we found a simple, kinda vintage looking gown. We thought that wasn't a bad find for HKD$700! So hunt over, right? NO! Haha... in our snooping around, my bridesmaid found this other dress lying on the side, on top of some boxes. The dress was just the right combination of things I had been looking for in the wedding dress hunt! We quickly made further inquiries to whether we can take that dress instead. The dress was actually sitting there waiting for this other girl to make up her mind about it. 

We... by we I mean my bridesmaid went to talk to her and see if she would just not take the dress. I think our interest pushed her further towards keeping the dress. DANG!! My friend told sob stories of how I worked in ministry and my husband to be was a missionary and we were on a tight wedding budget (which aren't lies)... and mostly true. Somehow in there, she also expressed that she was only buying the dress to support her church and she would probably only wear it for pre-wedding photos... SAY WHAT?! Give me the dress, I'll actually wear it for the wedding! She was very nice though, she did let me try it on, actually she asked if she could try the one I had picked as well. 

While in the change room, we engaged in half-dressed awkward small talk. Actually the volunteer helping with the sale was very good in helping to keep things light and calm! Props to her! The other bride was also getting married in November... on the 26th... same day as our India reception! Haha... if I only take the dress for our India reception, we would potentially need the dress on the same day! Goodness gracious... talk about bride wars! 

In the end, she said she would buy the dress. *Heart sinking* Bridesmaid to the rescue! She kept pushing me to ask if I can have it after she's done, if she's only using it for photos. Awkward talking, small talk... she said that's not a problem. She pretty much said she's 100% certain I can have the dress once she's finished with her pre-wedding photos. We exchanged numbers and saved each other by name and tag "insert church name - wedding gown"... hahaha perhaps we are very similar. In a parallel universe we could be friends. Anyways... bride wars finished. We still bought the other dress, just in case she falls through, although we tried to do it subtlety without making it look like we didn't trust her. We had to wait a long time... she was sitting there for at least another 30-40 mins. Our guess was that she's still thinking about if she really wants that dress. In the end, after we thought she had left, we walked directly into her and had to make eye contact as we made our way out. LOL 

If I get the dress, great! If I don't that's okay too. I still got a good story out of it! So far... best moment of wedding preparation! Seriously though... this whole wedding preparation has been one tough lesson on learning to wait on God to provide, which He always does. Something the husband-to-be understands and lives out way better than me. Probably a good reason why he's the one standing beside me, because without him, I'd probably keep making rash decisions with our wedding planning based on what my circumstances around say I need... and not on what God says I need and will provide. Marriage is going to be very interesting ahead! 

Hump day Happenings...

Wow... I managed to let 2015 slip by without any posts... time to get back to writing.

For the past little while, I have been thinking about something... something to do with breaking up. Yes, it is true that in the midst of wedding planning and getting ready for marriage, I am still blogging about this. All I can say is that as we grow, we mature and as part of that maturing process, I reflect on past experiences. Enough justification of myself, onwards to what I have been thinking about. 

I have been thinking about posts that can only be correctly represented by pictures as seen below:

Ok... I totally understand that breakups hurt and they really suck, but is there really a need to destroy someone else? I know that some relationships really are not good for us in the first place and that there are people in abusive relationships where breaking up is much better for them than hanging on. Right now, I am not talking about those types of relationships. I am talking about those relationships where you both really did try, you both really did love and invest all of yourselves into it but still in the end one or both of you decided that this just was not the relationship for you and pulled the plug on the whole thing. 

Yes, I fully understand the need to be angry and feel all your feelings post break-up. We all have to mourn and grieve in our own ways, but can I just say that social media is not the place to vent and release those pent up emotions. Go cry it out with your closest friends, have a drink, punch a wall but for goodness sakes do NOT post all of those feelings on social media! I speak from experience and not just throwing random thoughts out there. 

Whenever I broke up with an ex-boyfriend, I totally wanted to post random hate messages on Facebook or blog, but what would that accomplish? Satisfaction at the sympathy of others? But at what cost? Sure, they might have left me in a mess of emotions I seemed unable to cope with but that doesn't make them a monster. I will not deny that to my closest girlfriends I spat out words about them that were not the kindest, but that was part of the grieving process and done privately. I don't believe heartache is a ticket for verbally abusing someone. God says so clearly in the Luke 6:27-29

27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.

It's not easy to do... but I think it's good to keep this in mind. Especially when we are dealing with breakups in the church. God calls us to love enemies... hard words to live by. I really think that this is something we do not talk about enough. Not all relationships in the church work out and lead to marriage, sometimes relationships don't work out and you end up with two disappointed and hurt people... how can we encourage them to move on in a healthy way?

What I am trying to say is that, I do not think it is wise or loving to publicly declare you're ex as public enemy number 1 on social media to accumulate "likes" to make yourself feel like everyone is on your side. On the flip side, I also do not think that the announcement of having "gotten over someone" needs to be publicly declared. Maybe if you're still in high school these are completely acceptable behaviours... 

Anyways, in the end I still stand on what I've posted before in part one and also again in part two. I believe in breakups, as Christians our duty is still to act in love, and therefore forgiveness is a must no matter how hard. In the end, like I have said before, the only person who is stuck when you're holding a grudge is yourself, because no one holds that but you. 

How can 2015 be here already??

So.. begins 2015... and another birthday has passed.... and that means time for my yearly recap! 

How does one sum up the year 2014? Perhaps let's start with the easy stuff... 2014 I got to visit some new places: Mongolia and Jeju Island. Went back to Edmonton (Calgary and Vancouver inclusive) for 3 and a half weeks... put 1000+km on the rental just from driving up and down HWY 2... haha... all in all a good year of travels. 

GRADUATION happened... finally! At the end of April, I wrote my last final exam and handed in my last group paper ever. By August I received all my papers and could submit everything to become a registered social worker in Hong Kong! The promise of God has finally come to pass... I AM a registered social worker!! I am not equipped... November was the end of this graduation season with the actual convocation ceremony! 

2014 marked the end of 2 years at ICM... marking the end of a contract term... and so began the musings over what would be next. Taking a trip home meant musings of moving back to Canada for some better social work experience that would be more useful than what I felt I received here in Hong Kong over the 800 hours of practicum... Couple that with the fun times to be had with good friends... very very tempting. 

But... as 2014 ends, circumstances change... new contract signed... I shall be staying at ICM and in Hong Kong for the time being. 2014 ended surrounded by some of the people who have really walked through the highs and lows with me this past year... who pushed or at times carried me when I was so tired and didn't want to move on. I guess as 2014 I am infinitely grateful for the people that God has brought into my life this past year... and looking forward to building these friendships.  

I have no idea what lies ahead as I go into 2015... and another year older... but I think God has something up his sleeve and as always I expect nothing but the very best from Him. My prayer for this year is that God will reveal a glimpse of the plans and purposes that He has for me... 

I think this picture is a great representation of 2014... the past several days was raining and gloomy... but then it became a beautiful day. 2014 was not the easiest of years... and ridiculously gloomy at times but as it ended... it turned out to be a pretty good year. 

Monday Musings...

Wow... I don't think I have posted all summer... how bad am I at this??

So I spent most of September in Canada... living off a blow up mattress in Vron's living room. It was absolutely amazing because it was exactly what I needed. To get out of Hong Kong where I find myself constantly wound up like a rubber band gun... ready to shoot when the trigger is released... Anyways, can share more about that later. 

This past Saturday was my first day back at work... and first full day of being back at our newly renovated centre! Praise Jesus! The place looks absolutely fantastic! I was jetlagged... I was under prepared... but it felt right to be back. Near the end of Kids Club, some of the youth girls walked in along with a younger sibling in tow. The younger sibling is a little girl who I've had the honour of getting closer to over my past (almost) 2 years here at this job. She's the sweetest girl ever. She comes in, I say hi and she dumps this piece of clear plastic into my hand and we exchange the below lines:

little girl: It's for you.
me: What is it?
little girl: It's a diamond!
me: Aww... it's even yellow, my favourite colour. Thanks.

To be honest, it looks like those plastic rocks you put at the bottom of a fish tank. It also wouldn't be the first time that one of my kids walks in and hands me garbage with the description of it being a gift for me. Yet, at that moment I felt like a queen. Sure it wasn't a real yellow diamond, but this little girl deemed me worthy of receiving a diamond! 

Despite the silliness of all this, it reminded me of this post. Of the time when God revealed to me what it meant to be a diamond for God. In the midst of all this diamond talk due to weddings and engagements happening all around me... and in the midst of my self-pity sessions wondering why no one deems me worthy of being picked... or deserving of a diamond ring on a finger, God reminds me of His love for me. Some days are harder than others and I think God just wanted to gently nudge me and remind me that putting Him first is NEVER a bad choice. 

So that's my Monday musings over plastic yellow rocks. Hope you all have an awesome week ahead! 

Monday Musings...

I had one of those weekends this past weekends. One of those weekends where you're anxious and there's no right or wrong answer to how you should deal with it. The dilemma of your ex visiting with their spouse. The idea of seeing them was nerve wrecking, what does one do in that situation? It's not that I haven't been in that situation before, and the last time I had to deal with it, God allowed it to unfold in a way beyond my own imagination. Therefore, this weekend must be one of those situations when Jesus looks at me and says "Oh ye of little faith." 

Anyways, this past weekend I had many different encounters. Some encouraging while others infuriating. So I'm gonna borrow a little inspiration from Relevant Magazine. They love doing these "What not to say to a friend ." So I'm gonna do a little what NOT to say to a friend in awkward situations with an ex. It's all in good fun, hope it amuses but encourages at the same time. 

1. Do not assume that your friend is still hung up over that person.
I lost count as to the number of people who told me they were praying for my healing this past weekend. The whole idea of running into an ex and their spouse is anxious enough without everyone hoping that you'll find healing eventually, one day... -__-" In that one well meaning line, you have disregarded all that your friend has gone through in the past x amount of time since the end of the relationship. It's simply an awkward situation and anxiety, in my honest opinion is expected. No matter how over someone you are, it's just mad awkward. Let's remember the feelings of nervousness doesn't stem from still being hung up over the ex. I'm sure memories of old feelings will come up... cause they probably cared deeply for each other, but no need to read too much into the uneasiness that might arise from these memories. 

2. This is not the time to defend your own friendship with the ex.
It's all very well that you may have continued in your friendship with this person, but this isn't the time to defend that friendship. Your friend, on most days don't care that you're still friends with their ex. Be sensitive, an event like this is bound to bring up unpleasant memories that have become dormant and likely unpleasant emotions to go along. As well, all that you liked about their ex as your friend, they probably appreciated it or had an even much more intimate knowledge of those characteristics... that's likely why they were in a romantic relationship in the first place. They know the good and bad... but while you've been able to enjoy the continuance of that friendship with that wonderful person, they have had to sever ties and move on for the health of each other. In most cases, it wasn't just a broken relationship, but the lost of a good friend as well, respect that. 

3. Don't just "check in" via text.
This might be a personal one... but with the increase of ease in communication over social media and with smartphones, a text is so impersonal... I know schedules are busy, and I'm just as guilty of this one myself. Honestly though, there is a huge difference between checking in via text and a phone call. Even bigger... to make that time commitment and spend time with your friend. We constantly forget the importance of human interactions... 10 mins having a short chat with a friend face to face is so much more effective than an hour chat over text. I'm guilty too, and trying to make more effort to call people rather than text, to hangout rather than just text chat. Make an effort to spend time with them, do something fun with them to help them relax and ease their nerves. The more you check-in, the more they'll start thinking that they need to have a crazy break-down. 

This is not an easy situation, but we are probably giving ourselves hard enough of a time. Really, there's no right or wrong. We are bound to make mistakes, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing on both sides. That's the fun of friendship right? We learn together, and at the end of the day, the grace of God covers over us and allows that we continue to love one another. 

Now to break things up, have a laugh.... BEING THIRD WHEEL... story of my life! hahaha :P

Monday Musings...

You know it occurred to me the other day that it has been 9 years since I found myself in the pit that I never thought I'd be able to climb out from. 9 years since I said good-bye to what I was talking about back in this post from 2005. In previous years, I always remember but in the past 2 years I've been so busy in the month of May that it'd just pass by without me even realising it. Perhaps that's what people mean when they say that wounds heal over time.

We sang this song sometime ago - Anchor by Hillsong.

The words are so hard to sing... but yet I know they're true. The words in the bridge are

Your name is higher

Your name is greater

All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing

Your promise unshaken

All my hope is in You

For me, I feel like it takes all the faith I have within me to sing out these words. To stand and proclaim that ALL my hope is in Christ and that His word never failed and His promise will always stand. To say that Christ is the anchor of my soul, the one thing that I can hang onto when all starts to fall apart or away. I know it's true, but right now I'm just having such a hard time living out those words. To live out my life with Christ as my anchor, to live as if no matter what blows my way everything will be okay because all my hope is in God who will never fail me.

But... when I look back on my life. When I look at who I was 9 years ago and who I am today I know that Christ has definitely been the anchor for my soul. If I hadn't been anchored in Him, I would never have made it. I wouldn't be able to be where I am today. I know it is only in my belief that God will never fail me that I was ever able to take steps out in faith. So as I wrestle with God in this season of doubt, or faith crisis or whatever it is I feel like I am wrestling through... I know that I need to hang on to God for dear life because that is the ONE thing that will never let me down. (Even when it doesn't feel like it.... and believe me, it don't feel like it lately.)