burning... burning... burning... OUT

Burnout, according to wikipedia is "long term exhaustion and diminished interest in work."

Spent 3 days at Justice Conference Asia, but also balancing work on the side. Thursday was there all day for NGO day (practitioner day) and then the Rend Collective concert followed by the opening session with Shane Claiborne. Friday started with me teaching at work about "look for confirmation" in our series of "how to know God's will." Then did some urgent work before rushing back over to the conference where the I got to spend the rest of the day. Saturday started at conference, back to work for Kids Club... then back to conference. To cap off the weekend with playing at the morning services... I know this is nothing compared to the countless hours staff and volunteers of my church poured into making Justice Conference happen... but let's just say I happily fell into bed Sunday night and didn't wake up until quite late on Monday morning. 

I could go into all the inspirational talks that I heard, or the chats I had with different people... or the the music... but the truth is, my biggest take home was that I'm completely burnt out. Yes, the conference was great, the talks were great and I'm so proud of my church for putting it on, and friends who participated as a workshop speaker/panelist. That still doesn't take away from the really issue that I haven't dealt with... the heart of the problem... and that is the fact that I am burnt out. 

The past year and a half, since I've started at ICM... there's been precious little real rest. I started near the end of my first practicum for my masters degree... going into winter semester, going into summer semester, going into second practicum which seemed to lead right into the final semester. Not only was there little rest from the school side of things, there's never truly real rest from work. Strangely enough, I've still been able to travel to Korea, India, Canada, Taiwan and Mongolia within this year and a half. 

I'm not complaining... but I think I need to finally accept that the past two years have taken quite a tow on me, and I need to admit that I'm completely exhausted. The hardest part.... is when they said to write down a name of a person you can talk to when you discover yourself burning out, I couldn't think of one name that I would like to write down. Perhaps, I should've written the blog. Hahaha... anyways... so that's it. Me saying, I'm exhausted and I think I'm burning out.     

Restless? Or something else....

Several years ago, I read this in Wild at Heart...

'Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.' Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. 'When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.' Now every daughter of Eve wants to 'control her surrounding, her relationships, her God.' No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. 'In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate so we don't feel so defenceless.' Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

I thought I understood this passage when it read it the first time... but I don't think I was truly in a place where I thought God was withholding from me. Lately... I get it. 

To end with this song from Kari Jobe....

Hump day Happenings....

Goodness gracious.... I can't believe that school is over. I wrote my last exam 2 weeks ago... and that was it. Masters of Social Science in Social Work has come to a completion. 

2 weeks later, I'm a chaos of emotions. I'm happy to be done, but confused out of my mind. I seriously thought that after three years, I would have a better idea of what I would want to do, and where I wanted to head.... but I don't have an answer to everyone's favourite question at the moment... which has been "So what are you gonna do now that you're done school?"

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do now. Right now I just want to work at ICM and see where that leads... which is also strange because I am having such a hard time waking up for work. I was so excited that school was ending and I would no longer have to divide my time between work and school... but now that school has ended I just want to sleep... sleep... and sleep some more. It doesn't help one bit that now school is over, I have not been able to sleep at all! I toss and turn every night... that by the time it comes for waking up for work, I am so grumpy...

So continued that cycle this morning... I couldn't sleep to the point that I finally got out of bed at 5am and took a sleeping pill... which didn't kick in until it was time to wake up for work. So I drag myself out of bed and off to work... And so of course I walk in, to a board room of women reading the Bible and one of them says something about me playing on the band at church Sunday morning... that all turns into asking me to lead them in worship. 

I don't know why I'm being put through the grinder lately... but I also know that I'm almost at complete exhaustion and after that comes burn out. Right now I'm on thin ice, and I don't know what to do about that. I need sleep... but when it's time to sleep I'm not tired.... and when I'm suppose to wake up, I'm exhausted. Perhaps, I'm currently functioning on the wrong time zone... also not helpful... especially when my job involves working with children. Working with children requires too much energy for me to be not sleeping well. 

Perhaps, finishing school has left me with more anxiety than being in school. I guess it'd be a lie if I were to say that I'm not anxious about the future... I do wonder if this is it... and I just work at ICM... with no end in sight. I wonder if this is it... where I really do become a spinster and move in with my other single lady friends.... I wonder if this is it... where the only children I will ever have are spiritual children through my family in Christ. The more I wonder, the more faithless I feel... and at the end of all this wondering... I am left completely defeated. Absolutely... completely... defeated. 

Frig... borderline depression again. Well... let's look at the positive side of things. I.AM.FINISHED.SCHOOL!!!!!! It has not been an easy path since that day I said no more HSBC, I'm gonna pursue social work... to not getting into school... to working at Christian Action... to getting into CUHK... to losing my job at Christian Action... to finding this job at ICM... to finding 2 local placements.... to finally finishing my last exam.... I.MADE.IT!!! So many times I wanted to give up.... and God surrounded me with people to push me to keep going. So... right now gonna hold my head up... and keep ploughing through.... unless someone has a better idea. 

To end off... a song to symbolise the end... to represent graduation....