This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...
"What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if the trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story
I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago.
I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.
But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart.
The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard.
God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...
I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago.
I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.
But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart.
The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard.
God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...
