There was really no other way to label this entry. It's been almost 5 years... and I think for the first time I wept. I wept for a place that I call home... but have never really cried for. I was suddenly so overwhelmed by my sense of lonliness of being in Hong Kong... how much I missed my friends... how much I had missed of their lives in the past 5 years... and how much of my life they had missed.... and I just wept.. and wept... and wept... and am still weeping.
I don't totally understand... but I know that at the moment I feel lonely in Hong Kong. I also know that the sudden large influx of friends from home have left me with a longing for the relationships that have been formed for years... and seem to have become timeless... that no matter how long it has been we can sit down and chat away for hours over anything and everything. A longing for the people who saw me through my forming years... my most trying years... and my years of most pain... that they can be walking with me now as I'm walking through another season of pain.
I really miss Edmonton (... and Calgary, I guess). I really miss all my friends... all the places we used to chill in... all the stupid things we used to get up to... my home... my car... I miss all of it. I dislike that I missed so many weddings, engagements and birth of babies... I know that Hong Kong has been good for me... and that this is where I need to be for this season... but right now I'm hurting... and I want to go nurse my wounds in the midst of those who have walked with me before...
It has been almost 5 years... and this is the first time that I have felt so sad....
23 Oct 2012
18 Oct 2012
Truthful Thursdays
I was about to start talking about how today was Wednesdays... and how we like to call it hump day when I realized that... it was Thursday! I've decided to label this Truthful Thursdays... and this is why.
Recently, I've been posting these status updates on Facebook regarding having my dreams come true... about finding a job... and how good my God has been to me. These are truths. Nothing about any of that stuff is wrong. I am having one of my dreams realized as SaveOne begins it's second course in Hong Kong. If you're curious, SaveOne is a post-abortion healing Bible Study. If you, or anyone you know has had an abortion and is looking for healing through Christ... point them in my direction! I would love to share about this more. This has been one of my dreams since... I laid down my own dreams for God's.... so I guess this is our dream. And our prayer is for people to truly find freedom from the lies and darkness that an abortion may have put around them. There IS freedom in Christ, and it is available to everyone.
Secondly, I am starting a new job in November. This too has been God-sent. I get to do ministry in a non-church setting. It involves children, it involves spreading the love of God... prayer... loving on people... I'm excited for this job. This is what I've been yearning for.
So... God has been good to me. Nothing about that is untruthful. BUT... at the end of the day, there is this ache in my heart. There is an anger... a relentless anger that refuses to diffuse itself. That is the truth as well... that despite everything that God has been doing latley... regardless of all the love that God has been pouring into me... I can't stop being the ache in my heart... which has become an anger.
Then... this anger just makes me more angry because I feel like an ungrateful brat standing in front of God. I'm so upset... but God is so good, I should just let everything else be and be joyful and gracious. I tried so hard... and I just can't get there.
And... THAT is Truthful Thursday. Just being honest...
Recently, I've been posting these status updates on Facebook regarding having my dreams come true... about finding a job... and how good my God has been to me. These are truths. Nothing about any of that stuff is wrong. I am having one of my dreams realized as SaveOne begins it's second course in Hong Kong. If you're curious, SaveOne is a post-abortion healing Bible Study. If you, or anyone you know has had an abortion and is looking for healing through Christ... point them in my direction! I would love to share about this more. This has been one of my dreams since... I laid down my own dreams for God's.... so I guess this is our dream. And our prayer is for people to truly find freedom from the lies and darkness that an abortion may have put around them. There IS freedom in Christ, and it is available to everyone.
Secondly, I am starting a new job in November. This too has been God-sent. I get to do ministry in a non-church setting. It involves children, it involves spreading the love of God... prayer... loving on people... I'm excited for this job. This is what I've been yearning for.
So... God has been good to me. Nothing about that is untruthful. BUT... at the end of the day, there is this ache in my heart. There is an anger... a relentless anger that refuses to diffuse itself. That is the truth as well... that despite everything that God has been doing latley... regardless of all the love that God has been pouring into me... I can't stop being the ache in my heart... which has become an anger.
Then... this anger just makes me more angry because I feel like an ungrateful brat standing in front of God. I'm so upset... but God is so good, I should just let everything else be and be joyful and gracious. I tried so hard... and I just can't get there.
And... THAT is Truthful Thursday. Just being honest...
15 Oct 2012
No Regrets
You know, 3 years ago, I was wondering if I should leave my job at HSBC. I was wondering if I could just walk away from my career in banking to pursue a degree in social work. Looking back, I don't think I completely understood what it meant to be a social worker. I felt that it was right... I knew that it was something that God was asking me to pursue... but it wasn't an easy process. This was one of prayers during that time. God had given me a picture of me standing on a cliff at the top of a water fall... and he was asking me to trust Him, and just jump.
That was one of my favourite times of being in God's presence. It wasn't during a worship service... or even quiet time at home. This was me putting my head down for a nap during lunch time one day at my desk at HSBC. I still remember how real it felt... and how free it felt... it has been the defining moment in my life. It was at that moment that I knew there was not other way. The moment I tasted the freedom of jumping off that cliff in total surrender to God's will and purposes for my life, I knew that there would be no turning back.
And here I am 3 years later... this morning I sat in the ICM office with Martin. He told me that the choice was mine. Sometimes God opens doors and closes doors, but that he felt that God was telling me that the choice was mine. At that moment, I was reminded of all the times that God had left the choice to me. It flooded me with how much God loves me, delights in me, and trusts me. Time after time, God tells me to choose... and I think He does that because He knows that I'll always choose Him. He knows my heart so well..
Life since jumping off that cliff hasn't been the easiest, but as hard as it has been, it has been worth it. Not getting into school after leaving my job for it was NOT fun... but he rewarded that with my job at Christian Action, which I believe God used to open my eyes and to expand my heart. It was NOT fun when my relationship with best friend broke down... but I know that God was just saving me from further heart break and stress. Having to study my degree in Chinese has been difficult... but God is teaching me that this isn't going to be done on my own abilities but only by leaning on His strength and grace. Not getting to go to Cambodia was a huge disappointment, but I know that God was teaching me to not run away and the beauty of His timing. Not getting to do an overseas placement in Canada, and then finding out that my placement was in a VERY local Hong Kong setting has been really frustrating... but once again... this is about what He wants me to do... and not what I think I can do. Losing my job the way I did left me bitter and jaded... but God was once again just protecting me. He does it out of love.
So this morning, I once again decided that I want to follow God. I want to follow him into what looks uncertain and scary... because I know that through those doors is something greater that He wants to show me. I won't lie, I'm scared that I'll burn out.. I'm scared that I'll get stressed out... I'm scared of what lies in the next 2 years as finish school and pursue this job at ICM, but my heart is also excited. God said this is my next stepping stone. I wasn't wrong when I started, and I never heard wrong... this is the next step in his preparation work for me, so that I get to go out to the place He will call me to go.
I know that this won't be getting easier... and it's been lonely. I know that God is walking with me... but it's lonely to walk this by myself feeling like I'm the only one who sees what I see... who feels what I feel... that pain... that brokenness... in the world. But I still refuse to settle... I have never regretted jumping off that cliff, and I still don't. I may be either unemployed or making half of what I could be making at the bank... but the fire in my heart wouldn't be burning as strong as it did now if I had stayed. Even thought it's been hard... being in God's will has been worth. Just knowing that I'm walking with Him has been enough to let me know that jumping was the best decision I've ever made!
"God, I do want to jump, but I'm scared. I want to jump and be free to jump, no life jacket. Free to jump, to just jump and know that I'll be okay when I hit the water at the bottom. I know that if I don't jump, the future will not be what it can be. I need to find the confidence to be able to jump off that rock and into the raging waters. God, show me how to remove the doubts. Do whatever it takes so that I don't have those doubts and so that I can jump without a care. Do whatever you need, because I want to jump, to be free to jump and feel the wind through my hair... I want to live out that picture."
That was one of my favourite times of being in God's presence. It wasn't during a worship service... or even quiet time at home. This was me putting my head down for a nap during lunch time one day at my desk at HSBC. I still remember how real it felt... and how free it felt... it has been the defining moment in my life. It was at that moment that I knew there was not other way. The moment I tasted the freedom of jumping off that cliff in total surrender to God's will and purposes for my life, I knew that there would be no turning back.
And here I am 3 years later... this morning I sat in the ICM office with Martin. He told me that the choice was mine. Sometimes God opens doors and closes doors, but that he felt that God was telling me that the choice was mine. At that moment, I was reminded of all the times that God had left the choice to me. It flooded me with how much God loves me, delights in me, and trusts me. Time after time, God tells me to choose... and I think He does that because He knows that I'll always choose Him. He knows my heart so well..
Life since jumping off that cliff hasn't been the easiest, but as hard as it has been, it has been worth it. Not getting into school after leaving my job for it was NOT fun... but he rewarded that with my job at Christian Action, which I believe God used to open my eyes and to expand my heart. It was NOT fun when my relationship with best friend broke down... but I know that God was just saving me from further heart break and stress. Having to study my degree in Chinese has been difficult... but God is teaching me that this isn't going to be done on my own abilities but only by leaning on His strength and grace. Not getting to go to Cambodia was a huge disappointment, but I know that God was teaching me to not run away and the beauty of His timing. Not getting to do an overseas placement in Canada, and then finding out that my placement was in a VERY local Hong Kong setting has been really frustrating... but once again... this is about what He wants me to do... and not what I think I can do. Losing my job the way I did left me bitter and jaded... but God was once again just protecting me. He does it out of love.
So this morning, I once again decided that I want to follow God. I want to follow him into what looks uncertain and scary... because I know that through those doors is something greater that He wants to show me. I won't lie, I'm scared that I'll burn out.. I'm scared that I'll get stressed out... I'm scared of what lies in the next 2 years as finish school and pursue this job at ICM, but my heart is also excited. God said this is my next stepping stone. I wasn't wrong when I started, and I never heard wrong... this is the next step in his preparation work for me, so that I get to go out to the place He will call me to go.
I know that this won't be getting easier... and it's been lonely. I know that God is walking with me... but it's lonely to walk this by myself feeling like I'm the only one who sees what I see... who feels what I feel... that pain... that brokenness... in the world. But I still refuse to settle... I have never regretted jumping off that cliff, and I still don't. I may be either unemployed or making half of what I could be making at the bank... but the fire in my heart wouldn't be burning as strong as it did now if I had stayed. Even thought it's been hard... being in God's will has been worth. Just knowing that I'm walking with Him has been enough to let me know that jumping was the best decision I've ever made!
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