It's been awhile... and it's been a frustrating couple of weeks... to say the least.
You know for someone who has failed a class before and still managed to graduate from university with a somewhat respectable degree, you'd think that I'd have developed enough faith to believe that God will get me through my graduate program. Yet, I'm still constantly terrified that I will fail. I've once again let the expectations of school cause me to loose sleep, and health because of anxiety. I can't sleep because I go to sleep thinking of all the things that can go wrong at placement... and then I dream about all the ways I will fail and the terrible feedback. I am letting my worth be dictate by the feedback that I receive from my supervisor and my team leader at placement. Let's just say... the bad probably out weight the good... and therefore I'm constantly on the edge... and what's worse... I think it's just made dread going into that place all the more.
No matter how hard I try... I will never truly be local Hong Kong. I just don't have that within me. I don't understand the local education system... I don't understand the pressures that local students face, I just don't. I crack under the pressure they face... I constantly think that had I stayed in Hong Kong, I most likely would be among the statistics of students who committed suicide. You know what I find the hardest? It's the fact that they seem to believe that improvement will come from scolding and negative feedback. Except... the more negative feedback I receive... the more I resent them... and the further I wish to pull away. I'm not built that way. I strive in positive environments where I am nurtured through encouragement and positive feedback. I'm not saying that I can do no wrong.... but when I already feel bad for not meeting my own ridiculous high expectations of myself it only further makes me feel worse about myself than I already do.
Blah... I think most of the time I feel terrible at this placement because I haven't put in as much effort as I can. To put more effort in would be suicide... or at least social suicide. I guess after last year's attempt at hermiting during last year's placement, I do not wish a repeat of the psychological damage I suffered after a lack of social interaction with others. At least last year I had a partner at placement, and seemed to have mingled better with other members of staff... this year I feel so disjointed and disconnected from the other members of staff, and I have no partner. It's been a friggin' lonely 5 months at placement.... and I'm finally down to the last 5 weeks!
At the end of the day... anxiety is running high... I'm losing sleep... I feel sluggish due to a lack of exercise... I feel disconnected from people because I hermit most days with my laptop... as I am doing at the moment... and well... I just all around feel like crap. There I said it. I.feel.like.CRAP. I feel like nothing I do at placement has been good enough... yet I sometimes wonder how they can expect me to be as good as they are when they have so many more years of experience than I do... school courses are useless in teaching me the "skills" I'm suppose to be have acquired... as was my last placement. BLAH! And this is where I once again go down the train of thought that wonders "WTF didn't I apply to school back in Canada????"
Oh well... what's done is done. The truth is, the degree is almost over regardless of how I feel about it now. Just gotta suck it in and deal with all that frustrates me about the program. I'm sure there is a good reason for why I had to endure all this... I just don't see it at the moment because I'm so blinded by my own frustration and anxiety.
Okay... ranting complete. Gonna call it an early-ish night and get more work done when I wake up.
You know for someone who has failed a class before and still managed to graduate from university with a somewhat respectable degree, you'd think that I'd have developed enough faith to believe that God will get me through my graduate program. Yet, I'm still constantly terrified that I will fail. I've once again let the expectations of school cause me to loose sleep, and health because of anxiety. I can't sleep because I go to sleep thinking of all the things that can go wrong at placement... and then I dream about all the ways I will fail and the terrible feedback. I am letting my worth be dictate by the feedback that I receive from my supervisor and my team leader at placement. Let's just say... the bad probably out weight the good... and therefore I'm constantly on the edge... and what's worse... I think it's just made dread going into that place all the more.
No matter how hard I try... I will never truly be local Hong Kong. I just don't have that within me. I don't understand the local education system... I don't understand the pressures that local students face, I just don't. I crack under the pressure they face... I constantly think that had I stayed in Hong Kong, I most likely would be among the statistics of students who committed suicide. You know what I find the hardest? It's the fact that they seem to believe that improvement will come from scolding and negative feedback. Except... the more negative feedback I receive... the more I resent them... and the further I wish to pull away. I'm not built that way. I strive in positive environments where I am nurtured through encouragement and positive feedback. I'm not saying that I can do no wrong.... but when I already feel bad for not meeting my own ridiculous high expectations of myself it only further makes me feel worse about myself than I already do.
Blah... I think most of the time I feel terrible at this placement because I haven't put in as much effort as I can. To put more effort in would be suicide... or at least social suicide. I guess after last year's attempt at hermiting during last year's placement, I do not wish a repeat of the psychological damage I suffered after a lack of social interaction with others. At least last year I had a partner at placement, and seemed to have mingled better with other members of staff... this year I feel so disjointed and disconnected from the other members of staff, and I have no partner. It's been a friggin' lonely 5 months at placement.... and I'm finally down to the last 5 weeks!
At the end of the day... anxiety is running high... I'm losing sleep... I feel sluggish due to a lack of exercise... I feel disconnected from people because I hermit most days with my laptop... as I am doing at the moment... and well... I just all around feel like crap. There I said it. I.feel.like.CRAP. I feel like nothing I do at placement has been good enough... yet I sometimes wonder how they can expect me to be as good as they are when they have so many more years of experience than I do... school courses are useless in teaching me the "skills" I'm suppose to be have acquired... as was my last placement. BLAH! And this is where I once again go down the train of thought that wonders "WTF didn't I apply to school back in Canada????"
Oh well... what's done is done. The truth is, the degree is almost over regardless of how I feel about it now. Just gotta suck it in and deal with all that frustrates me about the program. I'm sure there is a good reason for why I had to endure all this... I just don't see it at the moment because I'm so blinded by my own frustration and anxiety.
Okay... ranting complete. Gonna call it an early-ish night and get more work done when I wake up.
