Such a beautiful weekend! :)

Took this yesterday whilst we frolicked in the grass... barefeet! :) And it made me think of this song (Open Skies - David Crowder Band):

Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
I will dance, I will sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud, life my voice and shout

From where I am
From where I've been
He's been there with me
He's built a monument
His very people
So let His people
Sing Sing Sing

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now

Such a beautiful beautiful weekend to have spent most of it outdoors! Saturday was spent on a junk boat (comments on that I'll save for another time), got to do some wakeboarding... and finished off with 180 and street evangelism at night.

Sunday went to our last Sunday service at VC1, Facetimed the Ma's into service! hahaha... and then spent the afternoon tossing and sleeping in the grass, to finish off the day with Plus dinner.

God's been speaking to me about letting go of a LOT of things... some of which I have held on to for over 6 years! I don't even know why I was still holding on to it!!! I didn't feel anything but silly when I put it down. That's not true... my heart feels lighter, and I feel more free. It's been good, and this is still only the beginning. Craziness!

I did end up with my second sun burn of the summer... much worse than the last one, and sore muscles from wakeboarding... but the soreness feels good... the burnt skin... not so much. It hurts to lean against my chair.... *sigh*

So begins another week...

So according to the grapevine (aka Margo), Thad and Vicky got married this weekend! Congrats guys!

She sent me pictures via Whatsapp (my solution to long distance texting!)... and suddenly *poof* I am going down memory lane again. How so, you might ask? So in the picture... which was really just the bride and groom and his best man and groomsman... 4 guys all together. I grew up with some of these guys. Thad and I were in the same Sunday School class when we were like 8? The other 3 I grew up with at E3C as we made our way through Samuel, Petros, LS... kinda Crossroads and then cell groups.

How many hours did we spend roaming through Southgate? Hahaha... taking ETS around the city before any of us could drive and had cars. OMG! How did we ever get a hold of each other before cell phones?! Countless hours on ICQ... yes, I just said ICQ. But no, I am not one of those who still remembers her number. :P Track meets, bball, hockey... OMG Mother's Day banquets... I am LOL-ing as I remember all these crazy and stupid memories.

We had some good times... and some well... not so great times, but at the end of the day I'm thankful for their friendship, and what they brought into my life growing up in Edmonton. Cheers to you McNally boys! :)

It was one of those weekends...

Sometimes God speaks gently to me, and it's nice. Most of the time (I'm starting to wonder if it is due to my stubborn nature) He has to kick me so hard in the behind that I end up falling face first in front of him crying. I had another one of those moments this past weekend.

That's what he had to do to get my attention this weekend. Yes... my eyes are swollen from crying once again. Bah! God kept speaking... and they hurt. Not that God was intentionally inflicting pain on me. It hurt because the true state of my heart was revealed to me... the longings and dreams and desires that I had been ignoring... he brought it all to the front and made me deal with them. 

God dug deep last night... until the wee hours of the morning. It was good... just painful.

... and it was made clear

Bah... God made himself loud and clear this weekend. So... the final decision has been made. Will blog more about this when all affected parties have been informed. For now... this was the only response that I could come up with to what He has said this weekend. 

"There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I can search for eternity long
And find there is none like you"

on a collision course... for my past

It is on very rare occassions that my Edmonton world collides with my Hong Kong world, and when this does happen, most often it is under my planning and control... (should've known that God would take that away as well... ) If people from Edmonton show up in Hong Kong, and esp show up at the Vine... I generally have some kind of prior knowledge that this would be happening. This past weekend... I had a very interesting visitor... my friend's dad... AKA one of my best friend's husband's dad (my friend and my best friend are 2 different people... and they're married to each other... hahaha)... aka uncle from my home church. And he didn't show up for Sunday service, he showed up for 180! Perhaps it was a good thing that we had Pastor Tony with us on Saturday! 

It made me think a lot about home... and strangely... I had actually spent that whole day prior to 180 thinking about E3C... which is something that I have been thinking a lot about... and has brought about a LOT of very interesting thoughts and feelings towards the church which I call my home church. 

One of the biggest things that have kept coming up this past while... and made itself very clear is that I can't shove the Edmonton part of my life... or part of who I am under a rug and pretend like that person never existed. No matter what I do... that person will be a part of who I am... good and bad. It is time for me to reconcile that person with the person I am now. And I think my lunch date conversation sparked that realization even more so.... this should be very interesting. Bwar... I thought I dealt with this already... but apparently there's more that's been buried which I have not dealt with.... *sigh*

On a random note... Super8 was an interesting movie to end the weekend on... and can't believe that after a year and some of wanting to watch the movie Crossings (about North Korea)... we watched it as a 180 event this past Saturday! It just made me realize some more of how God loves me... and always gives me what I ask for... (and never in MY time... hahaha) It's been a good weekend! :)

Not so cool is that my scalp has started peeling... because I burnt my head last week at the WACA beach outting... and I have a most strange burn on my back which is starting to heal as well.... hahahaha... :P

It's a strange feeling... it is...

"A confession of the gospel of God alive in your life must be accompanied by obedience to the calling of the Holy Spirit living within you. With obedience will come great power, and with obedience will come the things that are beyond what you can think or imagine." ~ me

I've been having this strange yearning to make a trip to the other side of the Pacific... why? I don't quite fully understand. Perhaps it is just a need to get out of Hong Kong? There feels like something I need to do over there, but what is it? Do I even have the money for a trip like this? That quote from my own journal haunts me as I ponder this itching within me.

I am restless about work, life... everything. I want to take a break from it all. To not have to wake up to fulfill my duties... in whichever area. Hermit mode is kicking in... I want to hide in a cave until my physical person catches up with my thoughts. Maybe that's why I want to go to the other side... where life is slower... and perhaps at that pace I can catch up with my own thoughts.

I want to be obedient... because I know that leads to great things... yet I don't quite know what that means at the moment. Yes... I really need to get away and think... maybe I need another weekend at Bethany... since that's cheaper than travelling to the other side of the world... yet I feel like I need to go that way still... why?! What does He want me to do over there?! Argh... I need prayers.... and I need to pray more...

Colours

I was wearing a yellow shirt yesterday... and my boss came in and made an observation... "Is yellow your favourite colour?" to which I pointed to the array of yellow toys/items surrounding my desk and responded with "yes." My boss then made the observation that my favourite colours were green and yellow. I can't argue with that, he is correct.

In the past couple of weeks, I have started with the question of what is my favourite colour. People always like to ask that question as some sort of conversation starter or ice breaker, and I tend to all colours, because I can never decide which is my favourite colour. So as one of my first things to learn about myself, I decided that I must decide for myself which will be my favourite colour.

I have decided. My favourite colour of all time is yellow! This probably does not surprise anyone as I love rubber duckies, yellow flowers, yellow shirts, minions from Despicable me :)... etc. For goodness sakes the colour of my iPhone case is yellow! Yes, it is my favourite colour! But I must admit I don't like the colour of yellow stickies so much... it's not bright enough. Unless it's the brighter yellow stickies.. not the typical yellow. Yes... as I have mentioned before... anything yellow brigtens up my day and makes me happy! 

A very close second is green. It's always been a favourite colour growing up.... before yellow took over. Hahaha... I remember when I was little, I used to pick everything green. My backpack was green, my binders were green, notebooks... (maybe that's why I loved Keroppi... oh those Sanrio days.) Yes... that was me. But... green just doesn't brighten up my day like yellow... so it's not my absolute favourite colour, but if yellow is a not a choice, then my next choice will be green! :) I think that's why I find nature so soothing. I love being outdoors with trees and grass (even though I think I'm allergic to grass... thank goodness for hydrocortisone cream!)... or maybe it is the love of nature that I like green. Regardless, it doesn't matter! 

There you have it! I have discovered my favourite colours! I think next, I shall decide what is my favourite foods of all time. This is getting interesting... but ultimately the goal of discovering all these things is to gain a confidence in myself... to be more sure of myself. :) This will be good!

Memories...

You know this blog has become some what of a... self-therapy for myself. Hahaha... it's a place for me to release a lot of things. Anyways... with Martin Smith leading worship at Worship Central and at church this past weekend, it has dragged up a lot of memories in me. So here I go at another attempt to sort those out.

One of my favourite songs of all times... I don't know if it's a favourite actually, but has had a huge significance in my life is Delirious song King of Love. The words go:

King of Love you've called my name
You gave me life although the shame
Had covered me, you took my hand,
And here I stand, I'm saved my grace


Father God, you heard my prayer
From deep within my spirit cried
If there's a God, come rescue me
Now here I stand, I'm saved my grace


I will thank-you for saving my soul
For you've shown me the truth in your word
I will take up my cross and follow you
Now I live for the glory of God


Now we turn, to walk away
From selfishness, the pride and hate
And when we pass through stony ground
We'll glady walk upon our knees


So we cry out "Come change us Lord
Into a church that loves your word."
We will return to knowing you
With joy we walk beneath the cross

I still remember the first time I found this song. It was just before Samuel/Petros Spring Camp... in grade 12, I won't tell you what year that was... hahaha. I was on the leadership team, as well as worship team... basically we ran the camp AND lead worship. (In other words, we were the boss... with the exception of Pastor Al and Pastor Henry.) Was it our first year at Birch Bay? Perhaps it was that was well.

By the time I had hit grade 12 (senior year of high school for the Americans reading this blog), God and church had become a very significant part of my life. To be honest... I think back in those days... "serving" and "doing stuff" at church was bigger than God. You were cool if you were on leadership and you got on stage to do worship for Samuel and Petros... if felt like people strived for those things... and weren't striving for God so much. Anyways... I could sit here and b*tch about the way things were growing up, but that's not for today.

Back to the song... I remember finding this song. It's a very simply song, with a very simply melody... it wasn't a rock out song or anything, but I just remember thinking this is what we needed. This should be the cry of our hearts... in particular, it was the second verse that really hit me. I remember thinking that this was what we needed... and I practiced and practiced and practiced the song in preparation that we could sing this at Spring Camp!

Let's just not get into all the details of the story. We had a packed packed program of "stuff" and very little God. Lots of hurt people resulted... and there were feelings, words... etc that I'd really rather not remember. Perhaps... you can say God humbled some of us. People totally were not in a place for that song... they totally did not get into it AT ALL! Perhaps there should've been a bit more praying for the hearts of people... than just practicing a song so I'd be able to sing and play at the same time.

Looking back, this is most likely when I started to dislike "running programs"... but I also wasn't taught anything else. There was very little emphasize and teaching on preparation through prayer and in prayer for events... and much emphasize on making sure every detail is planned out. I learned a lot... through that experience... regardless of whether I wanted to learn those things or not... and it was a very painful lesson. Being "at the top" as they put it is lonely... and it was lonely at that camp. I think I wondered if that was the stony ground the song was talking about... but I was definitely not walking on it "gladly" on my knees... I was begrudgingly walking on my knees... and putting up with the pain because I had no other choice.  

That's a long time ago... and I've grown up much since then. Learned a lot about praying and the importance of covering things in prayer. The importance of asking God to come in... and giving Him room to lead and move. Still... it's good to remember those times... which for the most part I've tried to erase from my memory. It is good to remember that I haven't always been this way... and that it's only because of God that I am no longer the same as I was in high school. Thank goodness! hahaha... if I was still the same person I was back then... there would be a problem. :P 

Empty words... not so much.

Still searching around on @worshipcentral.org...

Found this verse from the song Wake Up

I'm ready to rise
I'm ready to fall
To lay down my life and give it all
I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go

I'm ready for joy
I'm ready for pain
Tear open my heart Lord once again
I'm ready for You. I'm ready for You

How can someone open up their mouth and sing words like this?!?!? That's some crazy stuff! These are not words you lightly throw at God! If you say words like this to God, He will take you up on it! He will really take your life... and He will really tear open your heart! I'm struggling with such a proclaimation of my life at the moment. Am I ready? What does it really mean to be ready anyways? God just wants willing and obedient people right? As long as we're willing and obedient then He will equip us with whatever we need to do whatever it is He wants us to do, right?

We were talking about humility at Plus last night... and the past year and a half has been a very humbling year. The moment that I decided to take the plunge... and dove head first with God into the raging waterfall... I surrendered any rights I had over my life. My plans, dreams, hopes, wants, desires, etc... it all became God's... and time and time again this past year and a half... He has been reminding me of that.

The primary reason I left my job at the bank... to pursue a degree in social work? So I thought I would be at school at the moment, but no. God took that and said, it will happen in his time and in his way. So a year later... after not getting into HKU for Sep 2010, I now have a spot at CUHK for Sep 2011, yet He's still asking me to put this down and do something else? God must be so amused when we think we can plan and do things better than He can.

It's been a good reminder of how little control I have over my life. I mean that not in a bad way at all... I say this in complete awe of God... and that I would not be here without Him... I couldn't be here without Him. Wow... looking back... it has been a crazy 2 years. Even before I was ready... those words were in my heart. I said ready without ever saying the words ready... so I can sing that song with conviction and know that I sing it and mean it. I can sing those words and really mean that I want God to come and continue to be in control of ALL of me, and for Him to continue to tear open my heart.

Oh dear... what am I saying? hahaha... more dangerous prayers are on their way!

On a different note... took out my guitar again for the first time in awhile. It was good... I've missed my guitar. :)

wow... 2 in one day!

Okay... I can't stop listening to this song.... @worshipcentral.org 

Spirit Break Out

Our Father, All of heaven roars your name
Sing louder, let this place erupt with praise
Can you hear it, the sound of heaven touching earth
The sound of heaven touching earth


Spirit break out, break our walls down
Spirit break out, heaven come down


King Jesus, you're the one we're lifting high
Your glory, shaking up the earth and skies
Revival, we want to see your kingdom here
We want to see your kingdom here


Such a power song!! Argh... I can't stop listening to this song... and singing this song... ahhh.... SPIRIT BREAK OUT!!!!

The weekend...

Hmm... what a weekend it was. I could talk about Worship Central, but that would just be a lot of talk about what I saw at the registration table... the load of junk food that we ate while sitting there.... and all the stupid stuff that we did. From what I did get to participate in... it was pretty amazing. :) "Dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance NOW!" Glad that I got to participate in that at least!

So the picture was taken from the back of Worship Central. But on Sunday at for worship at church, I was right up at the front... in front of the stage... my fav place to worship. No chairs in my way... with Martin Smith leading worship... so good. God was there. Still picking out all of the little hidden gems from God this past weekend.

I can't explain to you how awesome it was for me to be standing there in front of the stage at my own church with Martin Smith leading worship... I don't want to give the wrong idea that I worship this guy... or his music or anything. But this is the guy who wrote some of the songs that shaped me as a teenager... songs that touched my heart and pulled me out of ruts... :P I'll be honest, I was mad excited the first time I saw Delirious? live at YC (Youth Conference).

It was a special moment for me. It has actually got me thinking about when we were all 13-14... picking up instruments for the first time... looking at chord charts for the first time... learning to put together setlists... song arrangements.... who plays where... who plays which part... who sings which part... the excitement of learning new songs... planning a worship night... there were definitely some interesting times. Sorting through the assortment of good and bad memories.

One thing that is sticking in my memory is the rawness of learning to play from chord sheets for the first time... hacking away at my own piano for hours... figuring out melodies... what sounds good.. and what doesn't.... it all seems so long ago! I miss those days. Putting off the practicing of my classical pieces to practice the latest worship song we were learning at youth group... or a song I had heard on the weekend. :P

Lately I've been on this journey to discover myself... what I like, what I don't like... what is my real opinion on certain things... what do I value... etc. So I guess this weekend has been a reminder of how music has been such a huge part of my life. It is something that I love. This is a way in which I connect with God. What does that mean for me though? How does this play out in the bigger picture of my life and my purpose? I'm not sure... I do think that there is a lot of negative things that were acquired through my teenage years that may need to be brought up, addressed and removed from my life...

These are the only thoughts that I've been able to piece together that has made any sense... still working on the rest of everything that had come up. :P

'Til next time!

so mad at myself...

*sigh*.... so mad at myself for losing my ring.

learning to let go though... it is JUST a ring. :)

on a different note... had a really good dinner last night... which now begins the adventure of eating at all the cooked food markets in and around Hong Kong!

I once was lost... but now I'm found!

Wow... I can't believe that it has been 6 years. I look at who I was 6 years ago... and all that I was feeling and going through at the time... then I look at who I am today... all that I am going through and feeling at the moment, and I have nothing to say but "God is good!." 

How far my God has carried me these past 6 years... from that lost little girl sitting in her bedroom trying to figure out what she just did... and hating herself for it. I've done so much to try to forget everything, and to numb the pain... but it wasn't until I fell face first in front of my God that I realized that He is and has always been all that I needed.

Since that day 6 years ago, God has carried me so far. Instead of being bound by the shame and guilt of my past, I am free! I can share my story with others not with a sense of shame but with joy at how God has used... even that event in my life to shape me into the person that you see before you all today. That I can share that story, and still give praise and glory to my God everything that He has done in life! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him! 

It has not been an easy road, but it has been a good journey. The hardest part has probably been forgiving myself and learning once again to see myself as God sees me, and to accept that despite everything God loves me. GOD LOVES ME! I, who have broken his heart so horribly... I who have let him down time and time again... I who fall so so so short of his glory.... yet despite it all, He loves ME! Not only does he love me, but he finds me beautiful... 

"Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away."

I believe the time has come for me to answer that beckoning... to finally get up and follow Him. I've been waiting for this for a long time... and it's finally time. There's only one right answer when God calls us to go with him... and that is YES! Because no other road I'll travel will be able to compare to the adventure that I will go on when I follow Him! So as I sit here thinking on the pass 6 years of my life... I am left with the realization that I would be nothing without my God. He deserves ALL of my life... and simply because of that, I shall go. I will give him the year that He has asked for and follow Him!  

Trip down memory lane...

Haha... someone said the word "singsperation" the other day at Plus... OMG... it's been so long since I have heard that word. Definitely took me down memory lane... and later on, I went home with this song singing in my head:

"May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You, pleasing to You

You're my rock and my redeemer
You're the reason that I sing
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes

Every hour, every moment
Lord I want to be your servant
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes"

I used to love that song... and I guess I was thinking about those words because I know lately that the words coming out of my mouth and some of the things that I have been thinking have NOT been pleasing to God. Sorry to those who have had to put up with my "words of death"... I really am so so so sorry! I am learning to hold my tongue and to speak words of life. You've all been given permission to call me out on my "words of death." I feel terrible for some of the things that I have let slip out of my mouth lately, thank-you to those who have been gracious and discerning with my words. 

post number two hundred

Today I had a thought... well, I had more than one thought... which all stemmed from this one quote that I read yesterday:

"I only hope that we're not too well educated to be courageous." Coming from a Palestinian who is part of a group that are trying to use nonviolent methods to unite Palestine. A response when asked what if the Israelis respond with violence to their non-violent protests... they're willing to sacrifice their lives if it means it can make a point in the middle East that terrorism will not change anything.

Have we as Christians become too educated to be courageous? Have we all gone to University gotten our degrees and found nice well paying jobs and told God that we need to be in workplace ministry and settled for that? That wasn't even what bothered me.... cause I know I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are wiling to go anywhere for God. it was the thought "Would I be willing to stake my life like that for God?" Could I continue to love people as Christ requires if I knew that my life was in danger? Isn't that basically what Jesus did? 

I want to say yes. I want to say that I am willing to die for my God... but that is a heavy statement and not one to be made lightly... Then today I had some... *ahem* incidents at work where I totally did not respond with grace, and the thought that came to my mind was... "How can I want to say that I'll die for Christ when I won't even turn the other cheek for him to love on the people He has placed around me?" 


Let's not go to extreme... but how can I say I'll go to the nations for God when I won't even wake up early in the morning to spend time with Him? So today, I am left to wrestle with the thoughts of whether I am really willing to go to the nations for my God... and if I really am willing to stake my life... to the point where death does not matter for my God. 


How important is God to you? Is He worth anything and everything to you? Is His calling and purpose more important to you than anything the world has to offer you?

Where has April gone?!

Seriously... how can April be almost over already?! I don't even know what happened this past month!!!

Well last week was certainly a very packed week... PolyU interview, meeting for a potential internship in Cambodia... last week with B&E... :( missions to Changsha, and now this week is almost over as well!

Interviews and meeting I know is what most people have been wanting to know about, all I have to say is that they are done, and it's all in God's hands. I trust that He will open the right doors and that He will give me the obedience to walk through them when the time comes. :)

I have to be honest... there was defintely water works at my last week with my Plus family B&E. Hahaha.. not to say that my new Plus is bad... they're just as wonderful, but it's still sad. This is the family that has been walking with me through life for the last 2 and some years! All the ups and downs... breakthroughs and stubborness... it's been some good times! Will definitely miss them! At the same time, very excited for what God will reveal in this new season with a new Plus!

Pretty funny and ironic... or just God's perfect timing as usual, went to ANHOP on Wednesday, and they were praying about leaving the old and going forward into the new. I think when April ends, I will definitely be entering into a new season in all aspects of my life... work is actually changing as well... we've finally replaced my coworker who left, and I will be moving into my dual role of personal assistant and funding assistant. (Promotion and Pay raise included... hahaha :P) New Plus... new role in Plus... as a Plus leader... etc etc etc.

Actually... I feel like I am in a transition phase between the old and the new... after talking to a friend last night... it may be a season of breaking a lot of the old ways of life that I had developed... growing up in a not so healthy Christian environment. It's breaking my heart as these things are being revealed to me.... and just how screwed up my way of thinking and processing has become because of it... but I don't want to live with all that stuff anymore... and I want God to free me from all that so that I may grow and be even better! Or perhaps that is the new season... a season of breaking off the old...

This will be very very interesting... God is good. :)

I've got love on the brain...

So for the past couple days, my mind has been stuck on this concept of love. Not the "oooooh looooove" kinda love, but Love, as God is Love. The Love that changes people from the inside out, the Love that can change the world...


"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." ~ 1 John 4:7-21


When John is talking about hating one's brother, the word hate is defined in a comparative nature. It means to denounce one choice in favour of another. To love someone less than someone else... He repeats this line more than once in the book of 1 John... that if we proclaim to love God, but do no love our brothers and sisters, we are liars. Wow... but we have to remember that the line before this says that "we love because he first loved us."
Actually, that makes it even harder. If God's love is the example for which we must follow in how we love our brothers and sisters... that means we must love everyone more than ourselves. Which the the calling of being a follower of Christ. Perhaps it's time for me to get my own head out of my own arse to start seeing people as Christ sees people, and not as I see people.
 
God gave me a glimpse of what happens when we get our heads out our own arses... you begin to see how God's heart breaks for those around you... and OMG it hurts!!! But... when God is pleased and happy... that joy is also just as encompassing! I don't know how to explain it, but when we can get past ourselves and stop acting in a "self preservation" mode... God comes in and He moves, and He works....
 
I'm not perfect... and I'll be honest, as my heart began to hurt, I began to shut myself up. I took the pain, but I didn't act on it... and I didn't obey God's calling to love as He had wanted me to. Right now I'm still struggling with the obedience to the higher calling of loving everyone... but I want to be one who is obedient, I want to be someone who practices what she speaks... so... I will continue to pray for more grace and love from God to carry this out.

Friday... mid April

Wow... I am cranky pants today. I woke up feeling like the world just trampled all over me. I woke up feeling so defeated, like the whole world was against me, and trying to screw me over.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died - more than that, who was raised - who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." ~ Romans 8: 31-37

I know these thoughts hold no truth. I know that I am not defeated, I know that my friends are not waiting to stab me in the back. These thoughts and feelings are NOT of God. Where does all this crap come from?! Actually, I think I know where it all comes from, but God has promised that I don't have to be that person anymore.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am a new creation... I don't have to live in all that crap anymore. Those things are not of the new creation that God has made me. I know that this journey that I'm decided to embark on will not be easy, but I am determined to embrace who God has made to me. Allowing to remove all that shall not remain... I trust I trust I trust. This will be hard... the more I trust, the harder these thoughts are going to be to fight... But I am relieved in knowing that in Christ victory is already mine, that He is walking with me, going through it all with me. He has also blessed with an amazing family (you all know who you are!) to walk with me, encourage me, and pray with and for me! This is POSSIBLE because of Christ!

I feel much better now. :)

I'm not looking...

I'm not looking for someone to complete me,
        God's already completed me.
I'm not looking to settle,
        God's promised only the best for me.
I'm not looking for someone to provide,
        God's already provided me with everything I need.
I'm not looking for someone to make me happy,
        God's given me a source of joy that no one can match.
I'm not looking for someone to answer my questions,
        God alone is all knowing.
I'm not looking for my idea of perfection,
        God's perfection will be so much better.

So I wrote this in March 2009... had stashed it away, and was thinking of finishing it... or fixing it but never got around to it. Found it today... and thought I'd just post it as it is. :P 

Humility

These words (in bold) really hit me last night as I was listening to this song:

"Oh lead me
To the place where I can find you
Oh lead me
To the place where you'll be

Lead me to the cross
Where we first met
Draw me to my knees
So we can talk
Let me feel your breath
Let me know you're here with me"