Advent Day 8

Here we are... day 8.

Been thinking about this all morning... well, not all morning, but for the past little bit. What is it in us as ladies that causes us to desire to be beautiful? Not only that, but desires for that beauty in us to be affirmed by those around us. You know, as women we hear a lot "Your affirmation needs to come from God and not from anything or anyone else." But I would like to raise a question, is it not Biblical?

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.'" ~ Proverbs 31:28-29

I know he is not telling her that she is more beautiful than other women... but he does say that she is better than others.

"If you do not know, O most beautiful among women..." ~ Song of Solomon 1:8

Perhaps this is only okay within the context of marriage. Then again, maybe this shines a light onto why we desire to be "best" in the eyes of the one we love. There's always the argument that it is because of the curse from Genesis 3.

"Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." ~ Genesis 3:16b

I think I may just be digging a hole for myself at the moment. But I continue to dig... I wonder if this is all because we are God's creation, God sees us all as so, and therefore finds us all beautiful and lovable. Therefore, for us to be praised is actually bringing praise and glory to God because He is our maker. So our inner desire to be praised is actually built into us by God because it brings him delight when we praise His creation, which means we are praising Him!

I know that this has been so skewed in our minds... and we get in danger when we desire that praise for ourselves, and don't turn the glory back to God. But let's leave that whole thing for another day.

Please don't send me hate mail... these are just my thoughts. They're not solidly grounded in anything.

Advent Day 7

Got a lot of thoughts on my mind... but honestly, none of them are blog-worthy.

The weather's cooled off a lot this morning, it's nice. Starting to actually feel like December, perhaps... with the cold, it'll actually feel like Christmas is coming. Finished my Christmas cards... sorry to those of you who won't get one in the mail, I find myself getting lazier and lazier every year, the pack of cards I buy gets smaller and smaller... :P There's also the issue of not having addresses for a lot of people whom I wish to send a card to... My hand is a bit stiff and sore this morning from trying to finish all my cards last night. Now to get everything in the mail... I hope it all arrives on time... I'm cutting things a bit close this year... actually I think I do this every year.. :P

Was reading Proverbs 7 this morning... makes one think about the issue of sexual immorality... makes me think of all the news stands in Hong Kong that sells porn so shamelessly... and the alley I walk through every day in Chungking that's filled with this stuff... this stuff really is on every street corner... "at every corner she lies in wait." Solomon says the only way to keep from stumbling is to keep the Word of God in our hearts, to keep the teaching of God as "the apple of our eye." God must be our most desired, and we must know His word if we are to fight this fight... It's a hard fight, but it is not hopeless... "And if our God is for is then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us then what could stand against."

Advent Day 5 and 6... :P

So sad... I missed yesterday, but it could not be helped. I just didn't have time yesterday.

Anyways right now I just feel stupid... or just socially awkward. Francis Chan walked into our office this morning, and all I could do was stare. Hahaha... and after awkward staring from me, all I could say was "Hi!"... hahaha :P I feel like I met a celebrity... I wish I could've said what I want to say... oh well. Will just pray for him and his family, and God will speak to him. :)

To be very serious... all I can think about is Francis Chan... hahaha, we went to hear him speak on Crazy Love on Saturday, and then again on Sunday morning. This morning, I see him at work... so cool! Just been really blessed by the words that God speaks through him this past year.

Reflections wise... I think what he spoke about really tied in with what I wrote about a couple of days ago, about desire. God doesn't beg us to love him and worship him. Jesus paints for us a very real and blunt picture of what it means to follow God, and if we don't deem him worthy, then it is pointless for us to follow him. It all starts with whether we think he is worth, whether we think that he is worth more than anything else, and desire Him more than anything else in our lives.

Honestly, I really am still just in awe and shock. I know that it is because of some of things that I have received from listening to his podcasts that I have given up the bank to end up at this very job... that I heard God speak about pyoo... it's just so very very cool! I do pray that God will continue to bless him and his family as they continue to walk out His purpose for their lives. And that God will continue to bless their odedience to Him! :)

Even more so... I'm amused and in awe of God actually. Just so very very amused by the things he brings into my day, and the surprises that awaits me daily from Him... that reminds me of Him, what he's done in my life, and how much he loves me! He is soo soo good to me!

Okay... I guess I should also confess... one of the reasons I didn't have time to do my blog was because pyoo and I had to finish our Korean Drama watching... we finished watching our first ever korean dram together. Hahaha... it's nice to have someone to translate when the subtitles are really crap! Plus... it's helping me learn korean... so it was very useful and dare I saw beneficial to our relationship. :P Regardless, it was a good time, and I think sometimes the both of us just needs time to just sit and enjoy and do mindless activities. So I don't care... because I was enjoying quality time with pyoo!

Advent Day 4

Day 4...

Today I thought about focus.

"Let your eyes directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you." ~Proverbs 4:25

And then I thought about where I am heading. I read this today:

"But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day." ~ Proverbs 4:18

And I really liked it... it was a good reminder that I am always in light, no matter how uncertain my future is. And as I walk out what God wants for me, I am always walking towards the light. As I walk closer and closer towards what God has in store for me.. as I walk out his plan and his path for me... the brighter and brighter it becomes... and the more and more it makes sense. As well... the closer I get to Him, which means the closer I am to living in the light of His glory. That's pretty awesome.

Been thinking about dreams alot.. and God's purposes and plans for my life. He's been reminding me a lot that this isn't it, and that he still has a lot more in store for me, and that he has big plans for me. My life is not meant to be insignificant... none of our lives are. It's so encouraging to know that God's hand over my life... but at the same time... what that encompasses is so large, so scary as well.

Excited... but scared out of my mind... :P

Advent Day 3

Alright... so begins day 3...

Oh no I didn't get a chance to finish this today... and it is now 2 in the morning... but since I have not gone to bed yet... this still counts... :P

I have nothing deep and profound today, but it's been a really good day. Learned a bit about myself... we had to do these personality tests for work and apparently I fall into the classic profile of a perfectionist. I actually thought that was really funny. The description actually seemed to fit me quite right. This I actually found really funny... because I thought it was just the Canadian in me... but perhaps, it's more than just that...

Courteous: The words "please" and "thank you" may be instinctive to you. Because basic decency and respect go a long way, such an approach is bound to help form a satisfying environment.

On other good news... short chat with a friend in New York this morning to test out a new iPhone app... soooo funny! Too bad I had to work, would've been nice to be able to catch up a bit more... but I'll call again... cause the new apps allows for FREE phone calls! Called another friend from home... and heard good news from her! Was sooo happy to hear her voice, and hear her so happy! I literally started jumping up and down with glee at pyoo's.... :P Oh and did I mention that Pyoo bought me flowers today?


Nothing from the Bible today... but today was a day for me... where God showed me through so many different channels that He is a good God... and that He loves me, and everyone else around me! :) Hope you all had a good day as well.

Advent Day 2

So in celebration of the Christmas season... I've decided to alternate between red and green... :)

Today let's talk about desire. So this past weekend I was on a mission's trip with pyoo and his Plus at the Agape Family Life House. While we were there, one of the songs we sang the most was 'My All in All"... in Mandarin of course. Hahaha... anyways, one of the lines to that song is:

"Seeking you as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I'd be a fool, you are my all in all"

In Proverbs 2 it says:

"if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."

But before this seeking can take place, before these words can be real in our lives, it must begin with a desire for God. Think of a time when you've really wanted something. Because I am a girl, for the sake of illustration purposes, I will use shoes. I love shoes, and sometimes when I see a pair of shoes that I really like it really sucks when they come back and tell you, "sorry miss, we don't have your size." Then begins a search of different shoe shops that may sell the same pair of shoes, but in my size... A couple of months ago, while I was on such a search for a certain pair of shoes, it hit me. Shouldn't I search for God with that same desire and passion? If I am willing to search high and low for a pair of shoes, should my God not get the same from me if not more than that?

So before even the searching begins, the thought for today is, do I have that desire and thirst for God? Is there such a strong desire within me for my God that I would search high and low until I find Him? I think there is no point for me to even go searching for Him, if I don't desire Him in that way... because unless I desire in that way, I will not search for it the way it talks about searching for it in Proverbs. So today I will learn to desire more hungrily for my God!

Advent Day 1

So I don't even know who reads this blog anymore... but for December, I've decided to try and do an entry a day, as my own advent calendar. We'll see how this goes.

So my thoughts on Advent day 1 begins...

Repent. That was what was resounding through my head as I fell asleep... or perhaps, it was Mark Driscoll's voice as I fell asleep listening to his podcast. Not to say that the podcast was bad... but it was 1 in the morning, and I was tired! It was in reality, blunt and right in the face as usual, and I wanted very badly to listen to all of it, but just did not have the energy... plus the podcast goes on for 1 hour and 20 mins!!! Regardless, that was one of the things that I was thinking of as I fell into deep deep slumber...

This morning I read this:
"If you turn at my reproof, behold, I will pour out my spirit to you;
I will make my words known to you." ~ Proverbs 1:23

I think God's thoughts for me this morning was very simple... as the advent season begins, as I begin this countdown towards the celebration of His Son's birth, it must begin with repentence. As I start this journey to meeting Him in a new way this Christmas season, I must repent before I may experience the Spirit in a new way, and gain a new understanding of His Word. Today I will repent.

reset... restart... refill... refresh... here it comes!

The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
2Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
3I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
4Who has ascended to heaven and come down?
Who has gathered the wind in his fists?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is his son’s name?
Surely you know! ~ Proverbs 30:1b-4

This is what I woke up to… not even a joke. I am so tired… and I feel so stupid, or just confused, but God is bigger than that. God’s knowledge and wisdom is bigger and beyond my human understanding. So instead of trying to trust in my own ways, my own understandings, my own knowledge… I just need to trust in God. So I told God that I was sorry for trying to take care of my circumstances on my own strength, for trying to do what should only be done by Him. Then I asked for more faith, more love and more hope so that I may persevere, not in my own strength, but on His strength.

the Proverbs 31 woman...

"Faith in God that sees beyond present bitter setbacks. Freedom from the securities and comforts of the world. Courage to venture into the unknown and the strange. Radical commitment in the relationships appointed by God. This is the woman of Proverbs 31:25 who looks into the future with confidence in God and laughs at the coming troubles: 'Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.'" ~ John Piper



I strive... oh I strive... but alas I still fall so short of becoming her. But I desire... and I know that I have set my eyes on becoming what God wants for me... so He will make it possible. Ladies... it is not hopeless! He will bring the strength it requires to become the woman of God that He calls us to be! Just hang on!

red carpet treatment...

I was having a conversation with someone last weekend, and they made a comment that I really liked. It went something like this... "Sometimes I wish that God would just roll out a red carpet in the direction that He wishes me to go, so that I just need to walk down the carpet."

After I heard that... I said "I know exactly what you mean. Please tell me when that happens!"

Hahaha... oh how I wish that God would just roll out the red carpet for me, so that I don't have to spend all this time wondering if I am going the right way... or walking around directionless looking for a direction to go in... I think it would just make life so much easier in so many ways. Then as I was thinking about this... this verse came to mind:

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." ~ Matthew 7:13-14

It reminds me that although my path seems hard at times... and most of the time it doesn't even make sense to me... I know that it is the path that leads to life. I've told God time and time again that I don't just want to live a status quo life for Him. I've told him that I don't want to live the easy and comfortable life... I said that He could dictate my life as He pleases, and that if He calls, I will follow.

This is my encouragement. When times are tough, I know that they are not in vain. It is an answer to my prayers... He is simply answering my prayer to help me live a life that is pleasing to Him. He is leading me towards a life that is led by His Spirit and not what the world tells me. I said that I would not live by the expectations of the world, but only by the expectations of God... so here I am. Living a life that doesn't quite make sense to any around me... and to be completely honest, there are some days when it doesn't even make much sense to me.

This really encouraged me the other day:

"Having faith means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives makes sense to unbelievers." ~ Francis Chan in Crazy Love

Haha... giving up my bank job in risk management doesn't make sense... not when they were about to give me a permanent job with a pay rise and promotion... or when I was on track to fulfill my dream of getting into a better job within risk management either... Taking up a job as a PA in a Christian non-profit... which some may say I am overqualified to be a PA (Personal Assistant) makes no sense... but I trust that this is God's plan for me. He has brought me to this place at this time for a reason, so I will continue to do my best to be a light to wherever it is that He brings me to.

Just to be completely honest... there are still moments when I wish God would just give me the red carpet treatment, and just roll out the carpet towards the exact place He wishes for me to end up. Hahhaa... but then I guess Jesus didn't arrive on Earth with red carpet treatment either, did He?! Oh.... I have much to learn about humility... ouch.

On Comparison

Asian is the name, and Comparison is the game. I don't know about you, but growing up, this was what life was all about. These were some phrases that I remember hearing the most often from my parents, esp my mom:

"Why can't you be like (fill in names of parents' friends' children)."

"You know your brother did (fill in name of good deed) the other day. Why can't you be more like that?"
And mind you... my brother is younger than me!

"You used to be (fill in name of good trait). What happened to you?"

So if that is how I grew up... always and constantly being compared to other chilren around me, to my brother... and even to my old self, how am I suppose to not expect that I am still always being compared by everyone else in my life. This was obviously true when we're in school and at work. You performance at school is definitely based on how you do in relation with the other students in your class, as well as the other students within your grade. At work, your evalution is based on how well you work with relation to all the other members on your team.

BUT... and now this is a big but... I met God, and God does not say "You know so and so does this. Why can't you be more like them?" This is what my God says:

"Namely, the righteousness of God which comes by believing with personal trust and confident reliance on Jesus Christ (the Messiah). [And it is meant] for all who believe. For there is no distinction, Since all have sinned and are falling short of the honor and glory which God bestows and receives. [All] are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favor and mercy), through the redemption which is [provided] in Christ Jesus," (Romans 3:22-24)

ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. None of us are perfect, and by His Son, we are ALL made righteous. God doesn't sit there and ask me why I'm not more like Jesus. He gives me the Holy Spirit, and beckons me to come closer to Him. As I draw near to God, as I learn more of His heart, His Spirit living in me naturally responds. As that Spirit responds to God's love for me and for His world, the words and actions which result are naturally Jesus-like. As we allow the His Spirit to lead our lives... we will naturally become more Christ-like as Christ Himself also relied on that same Spirit.

God doesn't compare us to other Christians, other non Christians, to Jesus. We must all hold account to our own actions, it's all between us and God. We are saved not by our deeds, but by our faith in Him. I can't do anymore, so that He will love me more. He always pours out His love in abundance for me. He doesn't love someone else more because they serve in more ministries than I do. He doesn't love someone else more because they give more money to the church than I do. Jesus made that very clear in the New Testament that God looks at our hearts and not at our works.

This is something I've known for a long time. I've done the Bible studies... I've heard the sermons... I've given the advice... but maybe this is a fact which has not yet become true in my heart. I have a hard time comtemplating this about God... I'm learning that I don't fully understand or believe in this. Growing up... comparison became competition. When I came to fully understand comparison, the desire of my heart was to compete with everyone else to gain affection from my parents. If I could not rise to the top of "the list" then my parents will not love me. I'm not saying that they do not love me, or are not proud of me... but this is how I came to understand what makes them proud, and what makes them love me.

To dispell this belief that life is a competition... it is hard. It's a deeply rooted tree that will be very hard to cut down. It's a belief that runs deep into the core of who I am, but I know that God is trying to cut down this tree. He wants me to understand that He does not measure my worth based on what I do and how much I do. He love for me is unconditional... nothing changes it. Nothing increases it, and nothing decreases it. I don't always be perfect, because God already knows that I will never be perfect. If I misbehave, He will not throw me out of the house as a punishment, He will not yell at me in His anger and frustration, He will not ignore me because He is angry at me. He may gently scold me, He may rebuke me, but He will never do these things in anger or frustration.

I'll be honest... this love is hard for me to understand. I've only know rebuke and punishment in anger and frustration. I'm not saying my parents are bad parents... but that is all I know from them growing up. The asian way is to "encourage" their kids to excel or do better by provoking the competitive nature within them. Yet, this is not true in God terms... we are ALL the SAME. There is no competition... there is no comparison. He loves us all the same... the same amount... in the same way. He sees us as all the same... God doesn't use competition to push us to be better people, He uses love, He leads by example. To God... it's all about love. "Love covers over a multitude of sins."

This will be a hard lesson... but it shall be a good one. :)

remember to take the time to smell the daisies!

flowers: someone mentioned "take time to smell the roses" the other morning. So I took the idea and ran with it...

This is what resulted: buying flowers for all the ladies in the office.

The response: A lot of why's and where did the flowers come from? Which was accompanied by smiles all around. :) Hahaha... Why? Because I wanted to. Where did they come from? I bought them!

I didn't do it for gratitude, or even the smiles on the their faces... while a little bit for that. I did it mainly because I've come to realize, young or old, ladies love flowers. Well... maybe not... but I like to think that flowers brighten up our days... and it entices something in our hearts as women. There is a sense of appreciation that lights up in the heart when women receives flowers... there is a sense that they've been thought about... I don't quite know how to explain it, but that's why I did it. To let each of the ladies in the office know that they've been thought of and are appreciated for who they are and what they do. Ultimately my goal is that they will know that their Father in heaven loves them, and is thinking of them and appreciates and loves them for who they are and delights in all that they do!

My job is really simply to be obedient and do as God asks. The rest... the spiritual part... that I leave in God's hands.

what's next has arrived...

hmmm... so it's been a very crazy 2 weeks :P

So, those of you who were at 180 about 2 weeks ago, would've heard me share about my situation. (For those who missed it... you'll definitely have to download the podcast of Lance!) Anyways... so during ministry time, I just really felt God prompting me to go grab the mic and share. To tell them that sometimes God asks you to give up things without giving anything in return, and you're simply left waiting on Him. There is no certainty of what will come next, or even when that will come... but even in that it is good, it just takes an extra measure to faith to believe that He has an amazing plan, and that it WILL come to pass. Then to explain, that was exactly where I was.

If you haven't talked to me in awhile, or been following my blog, God asked me to give up my job at the end of last year. Long story short, He asked me to give up my job and to follow my heart... which ultimately means to follow Him. At the time, I felt the desire to go back to school and do a degree in Social Work (I still have that desire!). It didn't matter that when I quit in January, I would not have an acceptance into school yet, I just knew that regardless of whether I got in or not God had something better than HSBC for me. So I took that plunge and quit my job. So began my period of waiting on God.

My last post was about how I didn't get in, and that was basically what I shared at 180. I followed God... and then I didn't get into school and I had no idea what I would be doing now. After my sharing, someone basically came over and offered me an employment opportunity. I prayed about it... tried for it, and now I will be starting work on Monday! (If you want to know the full story, just ask! It's more fun to share that way!)

God has blown my mind once again... and I am left speechless in awe of Him... He is soo soo good! I am a little nervous about working again... because unemployment has been really really nice... but I'm also excited for what God will be showing me at my new job! :)

sidenote: 2 more weeks to New York!!!

So the answer was no...

Hmm... so I guess it's about time I sent out the latest update. The irony of it is that right after my last post, where I decided I was gonna "name it and claim it" I got the email from HKU rejecting my application. So... I didn't get in.

So how am I feeling? Confused, disappointed, maybe a tinge of anger, but mainly just more confusion. I wasn't kidding when I said that I had no plan B... because I trusted that this was what God had in store for me. I still trust that God has an even better plan A for me than me going back to school. :)

What now? Don't ask... because I honestly don't know. Waiting on God for the next step of action. At the moment I will continue to pray and seek Him... at the same time... prepare for New York... in less than one month! EEK!!!

Gonna hang on to God's promises over my life... because they are amazing... and they're gonna blow my mind! Plus... it's like the best way to live life... well... it definitely keeps me on the edge of my seat. hahaha... it's not the easiest... because the always not knowing and waiting gets to me sometimes, but the end result has always been better than I could have planned for myself!

So that's that... my quick update for now. :)

a lesson in prayer from my Father in heaven

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." ~ Mark 11:24

These have been the recurring words from my quiet time in the past week. So I'm going to start praying with the belief that He is going to open up that spot for me at HKU.

This is an area of prayer that I've really been struggling with in the last while. For the longest time I've been feeling that I can't just ask God to open up that spot and see Him come through, because that would limit God. I'm not giving Him the room to do what He will in my life. It's like what if God doesn't open that spot and things don't work out? But this past week, I've been wondering if that means I am doubting what God has called me to do. Before I quit my job, I distinctly felt that God was calling me to a time of equipping and that He was calling me away from the financial industry and into the area of social work. Therefore, by not praying specifically into what God has called me to do... do I not believe that this has been His calling over my life?

Someone had given me this verse a couple of months ago: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a doubleminded man, unstable in all his ways." (James 1:6-8) I don't want to be like that man... I'm going to start asking in faith and with no doubting. I know what I heard many many months ago, and I'm not about to let uncertainty steer me away from what God has called me to do. I'm not going to let the enemy continue sowing his seeds of doubt into my heart.

Today I start anew, today I start fresh... I'm getting on my knees and praying in expectation that on September 1st, I will be starting school. There may be more crying... and more humbling to be done by God, but He is a good God, and I trust that He will make me ready for September... whatever that may mean. Should be another interesting couple of months!

missions... i love!

I'm trying to get my practicing done for Vine Band touring, but I need to get all this processed first, so here we go. 2 blog entries in 2 days! Woohoo! :)

You know it's funny... 4 years ago, I was trying to go to China to work in an orphanage of disabled kids, and it fell through. Now, 4 years later, I get to go to 2 different sites to work with 2 different groups of disabled kids! I ended up at a Children's Home in the Philippines. Looking back, I probably wasn't quite ready to go to China to work with abandoned children.

So from Mar26-28 I got to go to Langfeng, and then Apr1-6 I was in Hengyang. One was a foster home with 20 some physically disabled kids, and the second was a ministry ran inside a government run Welfare center. In the latter, we got to work with 135 physically and mentally disabled kids. Both were amazing.

One thing that kept resounding in my head was Mother's love. That's something I don't talk about... and haven't touched on in a very long time. God reminded me of my very own abandoned child and through each baby held, each coo heard, each finger pull, each smile received... God restored them into my heart. He taught me to love these kids and babies, and through it He taught me how much He loves me. Through teaching me to love these abandoned kids, I saw God's love for my own. There is no need for me to be sad, or feel like I've missed out because God is love, and my child rests in God's perfect love.

God has given me a Mother's heart, and I know that is from Him and He as well has the heart of a Mother. We always talk about the Father heart of God, but God is both a Mother and a Father to us. As the babies in the room cried, or with every tug on my shirt or arm... I got a glimpse of the Mother's heart of God. The tender side of wanting to scoop us up and hold us until we stop crying, or to just listen to the stories that must be shared, or simply just to give the hug or cuddle that is wanted. I wish my arms were big enough to hold them all in my arms, but they are not, and I had to hold them one at a time.

One of the things that touched my heart the most was walking with a child who's just learning how to walk. Just holding her arms and steadying her as she walks up and down the corridors and around the room. As her and I walked, God spoke. He told me that's how it is when He's trying to teach me something new... and as I try to learn to walk in the new things on my own, He's holding me and keeping me steady. He's ready to catch me when I get tired and just want to plop myself down right then and there, whether it be to catch my fall or to hold me up and get me to keep going. Through out the whole process though, He doesn't let go... and His grip is strong, no matter how hard we pull or try to let go... He hangs onto us. :)

I thought I had missed out, but I know that I haven't at all. God gave me a very special glimpse into His heart for me and for my child. Through each child I met during those 2 weekends, I got back a piece of my own... and it restores my heart and gives me a peace that I just don't quite know how to explain or describe. God is good!

Do you know that it is really hard to sulk at God, and be angry at Him? That's what I wanted to do today... just sit and be angry with God, and it is not working out so well.

The school front is looking rather bleak... CUHK has outright declined my application. HKU has given me no offer or a spot on the waiting list. She did say that there would be another 2 rounds of offers still... and that my chances aren't exactly zero. She was waaaay nicer than the lady at CUHK and waaaaay more encouraging! I've been trying to complain to God, and demand answers from Him... but it hasn't been working so well.

First of all... we had this conversation on the weekend already. I already told God yes or no from HKU I will still love Him, and trust in him. He asked me time and time again on the weekend "Do you trust me?" I told him I do... so I will continue to trust. God's track record in my life is 100%.... he has NEVER failed me, and He will NEVER fail me. Therefore, I will trust.

Second of all, he reminded me of something. When I was having doubts about leaving HSBC, he gave me this scripture "But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it." ~ 2 Timothy 3:14 He reminded me of that night... and the reassurance He gave me, and the peace that accompanied that reassurance.

I'll be honest, it hasn't been easy. I'm not tired... my eyes are puffy because of the crying. I'm leaning on my God to carry me through this, because there is no backup plan. School or no school, God's plan is my plan... and that's all that matters to me. I know that God has a plan for me... and I know that it's gonna be crazy, so I will keep going like He has asked me to do.

On top of loving me... God gave me something really precious on the Hengyang missions trip, so with that I will keep going. (Will share on that in a later blog!) I know that it is a good God who loves me, and that He will neither leave me nor forsake me. He will carry me when I am weary and unable to walk. So... once again being angry at God fail... learning more about how much God loves me and how much He just wants me to let go and trust in Him... definitely win-win!

after 1 month...

So, one month of unemployment has ended. All supporting documents have been submitted, and in 2 weeks time, I have my interview with HKU. Prayers much appreciated.

Anyways, in the past 2 weeks, I've encountered the word "steadfast" numerous times, most often in the context of the "steadfast love" of God. It got me thinking about what is the exact definition of steadfast, so as always, I check one of my favourite reference sites... dictionary.com. According to dictionary.com steadfast means:
1. fixed in direction
2. firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc
3. unwavering

This got me thinking, God's love is directly fixed on me, with the sole purpose of loving me, and it is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Nothing I do or do not do can change this fact about God's love for me. When it comes down to it... it's a concept of God's love that is rather hard to fathom... because we ourselves as humans are unable to love unconditionally to the same extent that God is able. I'm learning to see that at different stages of our lives, we gain a new understanding of God's love for us. Yet even through these different stages of life, by the time we leave this world to be with Him in heaven... we would still not have grasped the extent of His love for us. It is not until we leave this world to join him in heaven, that we will be given the full revelation of His love for us.

That's pretty crazy...

update for the masses...

ok... so I thought I would put up an update before the month of january ended.

So... as of tomorrow, I am no longer an employee of HSBC. A couple months ago, while I was in the midst of looking to switch teams at work... and then thinking about whether to take the permanent contract that they have offered me for my current team... God asked for my job. Well... he didn't directly ask me for my job, but He got right up in my face that night and asked me what I was doing. He had given me a calling, a direction, and I was about to forget all about it in a pursuit for a better position and more money.

This past month I've been working on applications to go back to school... to pursue a career in Social Work. Completely unrelated to math... I know! Yet, I am at peace knowing that this is a step that God is calling me to take... whether I'm actually suppose to go back to school or not... I'll know when I get my acceptance, or lack there of. I trust that God is calling me to follow him by leaving HSBC, so I am at peace knowing that He is in control, and He taking me to exactly where he wants me to be.

At the moment, online applications have been sent, references requested... and I just need to mail in my supporting documents. Then the waiting game begins. :)

3... 11... 23... and 40

3 more days left to 2009
11 days until Pyoo gets back to HK.. :P
23 days left of work at HSBC
40 more days until I get on a plane for New York...

seems like everyone around me has been counting down to things... so I've started my own stash of counting down... :P