i've found freedome in animosity. it's a freedom i've never felt before. i'm no longer caught in the chains that you've put around me, no longer silenced by my fear of your displeasure. i don't have to worry about tarnishing that reputation of yours. no more stuck in that prison cell of silence that you locked me up in. i am no longer entangled in the lies that you fed me, no more buying into all the lies that satan wanted me to believe.
i can now share without feeling ashamed, without worrying that you'll find out. there is no biased anger, no trying to see things from your side, no uncomfortable friends wondering if they should take sides, no more screening an invite list. people no longer see me and then see you because they don't know you. i'm no longer the girl with the baggage that is you, because they don't know about us. no more looks of pity because they don't know what happened. i can share openly in confidence because they don't know who you are, they can't put a face to this person that i speak of.
it's helped with the healing. it's given me new strength and it's mended my broken relationship with my father in heaven. i'm learning to see the whole thing for what it was, and it makes me angry and it makes me sick in the stomach. you make me sick in the stomach, but God is teaching me to forgive you. He's teaching me to lean on Him and about his grace and mercy.
the truth has been hard to swollow at times, but i will plow through this because God promised He'll be there no matter what, and the prize at the end of all this is worth it. God will deal with you accordingly and revenge is not mine to take, so no matter how much it hurt i will simply lean on God and He will hold me tight and comfort me and give me peace.
11 Mar 2008
29 Feb 2008
1 month down..
i can't believe that i've been in hk for a month and away from edmonton for only a month. it feels like it's been forever. so much has happened in one month... but at the same time it feels like nothing has happened. regardless, God has been good, and He's constantly reminding that He's got my back no matter what, and no matter what happens, He is never going to leave me, or forsake me. He's there for me, for life! :) i've been taken lots of comfort in those words, especially when i've been feeling so homesick for all my friends, and i feel like i have to go at everything alone now. i know in my heart that God has big things in store for me this year, and that He's going to take me on the greatest adventure i've seen yet... but at the same time i'm still sad, and clinging on to all that i've left behind. i know i need to let go and embrace this for what it is... an adventure. i need to take everyday for what it is and make the most of each one of them.
this is the song that's really touched me lately. it's put God back into perspective for me, and it's been a good reminder that no matter what, no matter where i am, no matter what condition i am in, God has no distance, no time zones, no bed time. God is there always, at all times no matter what. And it's not just when He feels like it, it's 4 life!
4 life ~ naturally seven
Red light, green light, 1,2,3.
F O R L I F E
I got you if you got me.
F O R L I F E
We’ll always be together you will see.
F O R L I F E
You and me were meant to be.
F O R L I F E
Chorus
No matter what you’re going through, I’ll be there with you.
Looking out right by your side, for life, for life.
I’m never too far away, come rain or shine or in pain.
I’ll be there to give you what you need, for life, for life.
Have faith, trust in me, you’ll never have to hurt no more from now on you’ll see.
I got you, if you got me, there’ll never be a lonely road, no.
When you move to the left, call me.
When you bounce to the right don’t forget me.
I’m right here with you, I’ll always come through.
When your tank is low, I’ll gas ya.
Got nowhere to go, I’ll get cha
I’ll see you through, I promise you.
It’s clear, so simple to see, all you gotta do is 1, 2, step and follow me.
To a place, where we can hide away, you’ll find love, peace, and happiness.
For as long as you stay.
You’ll never be the same, it will change you.
I’ll wash away, all that pains you.
Let me take you there, to show you I care.
You can talk to me, I’ll hear you, tell me anything you want to.
All your troubles bring, I got you through anything.
You can call me whenever, life disappoints you and your spirits are down.
I got cha, leave you? No never, I’ll always be there if you want me around
this is the song that's really touched me lately. it's put God back into perspective for me, and it's been a good reminder that no matter what, no matter where i am, no matter what condition i am in, God has no distance, no time zones, no bed time. God is there always, at all times no matter what. And it's not just when He feels like it, it's 4 life!
4 life ~ naturally seven
Red light, green light, 1,2,3.
F O R L I F E
I got you if you got me.
F O R L I F E
We’ll always be together you will see.
F O R L I F E
You and me were meant to be.
F O R L I F E
Chorus
No matter what you’re going through, I’ll be there with you.
Looking out right by your side, for life, for life.
I’m never too far away, come rain or shine or in pain.
I’ll be there to give you what you need, for life, for life.
Have faith, trust in me, you’ll never have to hurt no more from now on you’ll see.
I got you, if you got me, there’ll never be a lonely road, no.
When you move to the left, call me.
When you bounce to the right don’t forget me.
I’m right here with you, I’ll always come through.
When your tank is low, I’ll gas ya.
Got nowhere to go, I’ll get cha
I’ll see you through, I promise you.
It’s clear, so simple to see, all you gotta do is 1, 2, step and follow me.
To a place, where we can hide away, you’ll find love, peace, and happiness.
For as long as you stay.
You’ll never be the same, it will change you.
I’ll wash away, all that pains you.
Let me take you there, to show you I care.
You can talk to me, I’ll hear you, tell me anything you want to.
All your troubles bring, I got you through anything.
You can call me whenever, life disappoints you and your spirits are down.
I got cha, leave you? No never, I’ll always be there if you want me around
25 Jan 2008
end of the road...
i can't believe that this will be the last time that i will sit here writing this... and that was the last time i will be driving into this driveway... and be coming home like this. it's really just starting to hit me that once i get on the plane tomorrow, the next time i come "home" there won't be this house to come home to. my room won't be upstairs... well it will be, but it won't be mine anymore. my stuff will not be here... there will be no more hanging out here, no more bbqs, no more parties... it's honestly all just starting to hit me. i think i need a moment to absorb it all.
i can't believe that this is really happening... and that this won't be here next time i'm back. i think i need more than a moment... this is so strange... and i can't wrap my head around it all. i know that this will be good for me, and this is an amazing opportunity and it's not something that happens everyday, but it's all just happening so fast. i feel like i didn't even get to say my farewells properly... well some did... and some did not. hahaha... i call it an uneven distribution of time....
this year is going fly by... we shall see what happens when it is all over. right now i'm just in shock i think... i shall go take my moment and enjoy my last hours in this house... because it will never be the same again...
i can't believe that this is really happening... and that this won't be here next time i'm back. i think i need more than a moment... this is so strange... and i can't wrap my head around it all. i know that this will be good for me, and this is an amazing opportunity and it's not something that happens everyday, but it's all just happening so fast. i feel like i didn't even get to say my farewells properly... well some did... and some did not. hahaha... i call it an uneven distribution of time....
this year is going fly by... we shall see what happens when it is all over. right now i'm just in shock i think... i shall go take my moment and enjoy my last hours in this house... because it will never be the same again...
22 Jan 2008
scared stiff...
it's that time... in my decision making where i start second guessing myself as usual. OH MY GOODNESS!!! What am i doing?!??! I'm really doing this.... I'm packing up my stuff and moving to HK... I dunno... it's just insane. can someone please tell me what i'm doing? and tell me that i'm not making the biggest mistake of my life... cause i'm really starting to wonder if i'm doing the right thing... i am so scared right now.
But God opened the door, so there has to be a reason that I'm going through it right? I mean I asked for a door... and it came... so the only logical thing was to walk through it. And now that it's starting to sink in... I'm starting to get scared... and starting to get sad thinking about all the things I'm going to miss.
I think i'm getting cold feet that's all. I didn't think that God would open such a door... I thought I'd move to Vancouver... be "closer" to HK in a sense, but still be able to enjoy the comforts of Canada... maybe i was being too greedy. I need to accept what God has given and be thankful. So I will make the most of this... and I'm sure that God has His reasons for taking me so far away from all of my closest friends...
Well... I hope it all turns out okay... because right now I'm still feeling like I've lost my mind...
But God opened the door, so there has to be a reason that I'm going through it right? I mean I asked for a door... and it came... so the only logical thing was to walk through it. And now that it's starting to sink in... I'm starting to get scared... and starting to get sad thinking about all the things I'm going to miss.
I think i'm getting cold feet that's all. I didn't think that God would open such a door... I thought I'd move to Vancouver... be "closer" to HK in a sense, but still be able to enjoy the comforts of Canada... maybe i was being too greedy. I need to accept what God has given and be thankful. So I will make the most of this... and I'm sure that God has His reasons for taking me so far away from all of my closest friends...
Well... I hope it all turns out okay... because right now I'm still feeling like I've lost my mind...
10 Jan 2008
finally! an open door!!!
there's finally an open door for me to step through! i can finally leave this city! yay! someone has finally given me a chance at a job in the hk! so i'm getting back on a plane and going back to hk. i'll be gone by the end of this month!
i've finally found a break in the clouds. i can finally leave all this crap behind and hopefully start to fully heal. i've been waiting to get away for a long time, and my opportunity has finally come!
i've finally found a break in the clouds. i can finally leave all this crap behind and hopefully start to fully heal. i've been waiting to get away for a long time, and my opportunity has finally come!
5 Dec 2007
seeing the truth at last...
learning to let go is hard... learning to see the truth is hard. accepting the new truth is hard.
lately i've been coming to terms with a new truth, and that's been really hard. it's been tearing me apart on the inside. it's riping me apart, but at the same time it's felt refreshing in a strange way.
the truth is that there was never any love, there was never any care, and there was never any God involved in anyway. there was never any patience, and there was always a record of wrongs being kept. it was never love, and that's why you could walk away and not look back. there was no love, so you could just leave me stranded there and feel nothing.
i understand it all now... and it hurts, but i finally know now.
this is where i cut it all off and walk away. this is where i hand it all over to God and allow Him to heal my heart, and fill it with love and forgiveness once more.
this is where i stop caring and start living my own life. this is where i make God my everything
this is where i stop hating
this is where i stop wondering
this is where i begin anew
this is where i begin trusting again
this is where i begin loving once more
i can't change what's already happened, but that's what made me into who i am today, the person who tries to love God in all i do, the person who tries to be all that she can be for God. i hate complacency, and i refuse to live in it any longer. i hate worldliness, i hate what the world has made on certain days.
Enter In (click to hear it!)
words and music by Matthew Snelgrove
Verse One
I remember the time
When you came into my life You saved me
I’m no longer the same
Forever I am changed
You paid for it all
Chorus
Help me to enter in to where the veil has been torn
Closer to where you are as the angels adore
Verse Two
Now its time to live the life
As a living sacrifice
Pleasing to you
Go in to the fields
To bring in your harvest
To do your will
Bridge
Holy is the Lord
lately i've been coming to terms with a new truth, and that's been really hard. it's been tearing me apart on the inside. it's riping me apart, but at the same time it's felt refreshing in a strange way.
the truth is that there was never any love, there was never any care, and there was never any God involved in anyway. there was never any patience, and there was always a record of wrongs being kept. it was never love, and that's why you could walk away and not look back. there was no love, so you could just leave me stranded there and feel nothing.
i understand it all now... and it hurts, but i finally know now.
this is where i cut it all off and walk away. this is where i hand it all over to God and allow Him to heal my heart, and fill it with love and forgiveness once more.
this is where i stop caring and start living my own life. this is where i make God my everything
this is where i stop hating
this is where i stop wondering
this is where i begin anew
this is where i begin trusting again
this is where i begin loving once more
i can't change what's already happened, but that's what made me into who i am today, the person who tries to love God in all i do, the person who tries to be all that she can be for God. i hate complacency, and i refuse to live in it any longer. i hate worldliness, i hate what the world has made on certain days.
Enter In (click to hear it!)
words and music by Matthew Snelgrove
Verse One
I remember the time
When you came into my life You saved me
I’m no longer the same
Forever I am changed
You paid for it all
Chorus
Help me to enter in to where the veil has been torn
Closer to where you are as the angels adore
Verse Two
Now its time to live the life
As a living sacrifice
Pleasing to you
Go in to the fields
To bring in your harvest
To do your will
Bridge
Holy is the Lord
27 Oct 2007
just a quote...
"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering it's things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night." ~The Kite Runner
4 Sept 2007
losing the fight...
~It is breaking me down
Watching the world spin around
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?
It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody out there hear me?
Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to feel myself
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?~
i'm getting so tired... so weary of fighting now. So tired of pretending. I'm not as strong as you all think I am. the truth: i'm falling apart from the inside out. somedays i just feel like i can't take it anymore. i want out, i want a break. it's not as great as everyone makes it out to be... being alone makes the fight that much harder. being all by myself makes me doubt myself. fighting alone makes it hard... and i think i'm about ready to give up the fight. no one seems to care, no one seems to notice that i'm struggling. what's the point in fighting anymore? what's the point on keeping my head afloat anymore? the doubts... the regrets... the shame... the pain... it's all become so overwhelming lately.
the pain in my heart... it pierces... it hurts... who can i trust anymore? i know to you it's petty... i know to you all it's all just the past... but it's not to me. it's become life... it's become who i am... it's the one thing that i keep stumbling over. i'm trying so hard to get over it... trying so hard to let it go... trying so hard to be a bigger person... trying so hard to be happy... trying so hard to live my life. but what's the point anymore... it all seems so pointless...
what if i just faded into the background... and then faded out of the picture completely... i've lost sight of everything that's important to me... i've forgotten what it feels like to be loved unconditionally... i'm beginning to feel only hate and bitterness once again.... the loneliness seems so much stronger than love cause love seems so far away... forgiveness seems so far away... i keep looking towards getting outta here... away from all this pain... all the betrayal... all the hate... all the bitterness... i think the time has come... it's time for me to get out there... wherever out there is... maybe out there someone can hear me, and they will save me from this hell.
Watching the world spin around
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?
It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody out there hear me?
Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to feel myself
Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?~
i'm getting so tired... so weary of fighting now. So tired of pretending. I'm not as strong as you all think I am. the truth: i'm falling apart from the inside out. somedays i just feel like i can't take it anymore. i want out, i want a break. it's not as great as everyone makes it out to be... being alone makes the fight that much harder. being all by myself makes me doubt myself. fighting alone makes it hard... and i think i'm about ready to give up the fight. no one seems to care, no one seems to notice that i'm struggling. what's the point in fighting anymore? what's the point on keeping my head afloat anymore? the doubts... the regrets... the shame... the pain... it's all become so overwhelming lately.
the pain in my heart... it pierces... it hurts... who can i trust anymore? i know to you it's petty... i know to you all it's all just the past... but it's not to me. it's become life... it's become who i am... it's the one thing that i keep stumbling over. i'm trying so hard to get over it... trying so hard to let it go... trying so hard to be a bigger person... trying so hard to be happy... trying so hard to live my life. but what's the point anymore... it all seems so pointless...
what if i just faded into the background... and then faded out of the picture completely... i've lost sight of everything that's important to me... i've forgotten what it feels like to be loved unconditionally... i'm beginning to feel only hate and bitterness once again.... the loneliness seems so much stronger than love cause love seems so far away... forgiveness seems so far away... i keep looking towards getting outta here... away from all this pain... all the betrayal... all the hate... all the bitterness... i think the time has come... it's time for me to get out there... wherever out there is... maybe out there someone can hear me, and they will save me from this hell.
3 Aug 2007
solitude...
funny how people always want what they don't have. so once again, i have the house all to myself. blessing and a curse. strange, because i was getting so tired of having all these people around... and just when i was getting used to having people around again, they're all gone again. that's just the irony in life, right?
i don't mind the being alone part, but there are days when it would be nice to have someone to talk to when i walk in the door, or someone to have a conversation with while i'm eating dinner at the table... by myself. or even just someone to watch tv with, so that i don't end up laughing at something all alone. a jokes always funnier when shared with another.
the solitude almost becomes too much, yet i don't feel the need to reach out for people. even after sitting at my cubicle all day, coming home and being by myself some more isn't so bad. it doesn't drive me to the point where i feel like i need to find someone, doesn't make me desperate enough to actually pick up a phone and call people.
maybe it's that... or maybe it's just that i don't even know who i would call. i don't even know who has the time, or who i can trust. trust has become such an issue lately. maybe that's why i enjoy my solitude so much. it gives me an excuse to not have to open up myself. it gives me an excuse not to tell people things. it allows me to keep things to myself, where it is safe. it's not that i don't trust, but simply that i have a hard time trusting those who have betrayed the trust.
i choose to stay silent because i can't wear my heart on my sleeve no longer. it always gets me in trouble and it's about time that i took care of my heart. i don't want to be hurt again... so until i feel stronger, i think i'm just going to be extra careful with my heart, and keep it where i know it can't get hurt anymore.
i don't mind the being alone part, but there are days when it would be nice to have someone to talk to when i walk in the door, or someone to have a conversation with while i'm eating dinner at the table... by myself. or even just someone to watch tv with, so that i don't end up laughing at something all alone. a jokes always funnier when shared with another.
the solitude almost becomes too much, yet i don't feel the need to reach out for people. even after sitting at my cubicle all day, coming home and being by myself some more isn't so bad. it doesn't drive me to the point where i feel like i need to find someone, doesn't make me desperate enough to actually pick up a phone and call people.
maybe it's that... or maybe it's just that i don't even know who i would call. i don't even know who has the time, or who i can trust. trust has become such an issue lately. maybe that's why i enjoy my solitude so much. it gives me an excuse to not have to open up myself. it gives me an excuse not to tell people things. it allows me to keep things to myself, where it is safe. it's not that i don't trust, but simply that i have a hard time trusting those who have betrayed the trust.
i choose to stay silent because i can't wear my heart on my sleeve no longer. it always gets me in trouble and it's about time that i took care of my heart. i don't want to be hurt again... so until i feel stronger, i think i'm just going to be extra careful with my heart, and keep it where i know it can't get hurt anymore.
2 Aug 2007
Life goes on...
Don't you ever just have one of those days where you wished the world would just spinning and time would just stand still for you. For it to just stop so you can catch up with your own thoughts, with your own feelings. A day where you feel like everything is running out of your grasp, and no matter how hard you reach or how fast you try to run to catch up, you just can't seem to get there, and it's always just out of your reach. So you wonder, if time could just stop for you to catch up with everything else wouldn't that be wonderful?
Too bad time doesn't stop for nobody. It doesn't stop for you when you're sad, and you just want it to stop while you dwell in your sadness. It doesn't stop when you're happy and you wish that time would stop so you can enjoy the joy for awhile. It doesn't stop when you feel like you can't take it anymore, and you just want a break from the rest of the world. Time never stops no matter what the circumstances are.
Lately, I've been having lots of those days. Lots of days where I wish time would stop. Not because I want to dwell in any one of those feelings. Life hasn't been completely terrible to me, nor has it been great that I wish I could be in this time forever. It's been those days where you feel like things are just moving at an uber quick speed, and you wish that it would slow down so you can catch up. My days just seem to all amalgamate into one huge day... and I can't really tell one from the other. I go to work, I go home... and it starts all over again... until I reach the weekend.
But in the end, I know that time does not stop ever, and life simply moves on. I've realised that I need to appreciate each day as it comes, and take it for what it is: a blessing from God that I am alive to live another day. I know that hind sigh is 100% and dwelling on anything too long is no good for me. It will always be more clear now than it was awhile back. So therefore, I should face forward and keep striving towards the end goal.
Too bad time doesn't stop for nobody. It doesn't stop for you when you're sad, and you just want it to stop while you dwell in your sadness. It doesn't stop when you're happy and you wish that time would stop so you can enjoy the joy for awhile. It doesn't stop when you feel like you can't take it anymore, and you just want a break from the rest of the world. Time never stops no matter what the circumstances are.
Lately, I've been having lots of those days. Lots of days where I wish time would stop. Not because I want to dwell in any one of those feelings. Life hasn't been completely terrible to me, nor has it been great that I wish I could be in this time forever. It's been those days where you feel like things are just moving at an uber quick speed, and you wish that it would slow down so you can catch up. My days just seem to all amalgamate into one huge day... and I can't really tell one from the other. I go to work, I go home... and it starts all over again... until I reach the weekend.
But in the end, I know that time does not stop ever, and life simply moves on. I've realised that I need to appreciate each day as it comes, and take it for what it is: a blessing from God that I am alive to live another day. I know that hind sigh is 100% and dwelling on anything too long is no good for me. It will always be more clear now than it was awhile back. So therefore, I should face forward and keep striving towards the end goal.
8 May 2007
God's protection
when i think of everything i've seen or gone through in the past little while, i can't help but see how God has really been protecting me and keeping me safe. He saved me from a lot of hassle. a couple of weeks ago, the bank got robbed, but due to timing, i was safely in the lunch room on my lunch break. had my coworker gotten back later, or if i had taken my time to go on lunch, i probably would've been the first one to be robbed.
last night, as i was driving home, i watched a guy run a red, and was hit by a car that was going on the green. thank goodness he was fine, and he barely had a scratch on him. i was lucky because there are days when i don't watch the light, and if people beside me are moving, i tend to go too. praise God i was alert, and paying attention. waiting for the police so i could give my statement was a pain, and it was pretty chilly, but at least i wasn't in the accident. being the by stander is much better than being involved in this case.
He's definitely been taking care of me. i guess it's not in the ways i wish for Him to, and He hasn't provided what i WANTED. but he's very obviously provided what i NEEDED. there's no room for my selfishness. how can i see how God has been taking care of me and wonder if i can offer Him my life? how can i even wonder if it's worth it? this is my come back for people who think they can live life now, and give to God later: what if you died tonight? or what if God came back tonight? and you haven't given Him your life, so He tells you that you can't enter into eternity with Him? or He asked you about why you haven't answered His calling?
we can't keep holding back and telling ourselves that we still have time to come back to God later, when all the fun's been had. God demands that we live for Him NOW in the present. i think lately i've been forgetting about that. when i get to heaven, God's not going to care about what i had PLANNED to do, but He's going to care about what i have already DONE. i believe that it's time for me to sit back and re-evaluate where my heart lies, and where i've placed God these past couple months.
last night, as i was driving home, i watched a guy run a red, and was hit by a car that was going on the green. thank goodness he was fine, and he barely had a scratch on him. i was lucky because there are days when i don't watch the light, and if people beside me are moving, i tend to go too. praise God i was alert, and paying attention. waiting for the police so i could give my statement was a pain, and it was pretty chilly, but at least i wasn't in the accident. being the by stander is much better than being involved in this case.
He's definitely been taking care of me. i guess it's not in the ways i wish for Him to, and He hasn't provided what i WANTED. but he's very obviously provided what i NEEDED. there's no room for my selfishness. how can i see how God has been taking care of me and wonder if i can offer Him my life? how can i even wonder if it's worth it? this is my come back for people who think they can live life now, and give to God later: what if you died tonight? or what if God came back tonight? and you haven't given Him your life, so He tells you that you can't enter into eternity with Him? or He asked you about why you haven't answered His calling?
we can't keep holding back and telling ourselves that we still have time to come back to God later, when all the fun's been had. God demands that we live for Him NOW in the present. i think lately i've been forgetting about that. when i get to heaven, God's not going to care about what i had PLANNED to do, but He's going to care about what i have already DONE. i believe that it's time for me to sit back and re-evaluate where my heart lies, and where i've placed God these past couple months.
30 Apr 2007
frustration to the max...
what is it that God wants from me? where is it that i'm suppose to go? what is it that i am to do? i'm tired of trying to be patient, and i'm tired of being on my own. don't pretend like you know or understand, because you don't. you don't know the frustrations i go through everyday, you don't understand my anger and confusion.
i try to turn to God, but everytime i get near, i feel the need to pull away. i want to feel the comfort of God's hand in my life, but i find myself turning to worldly things instead. i'm trying to hear God's voice, but i feel like everything else in my life drowns it out. i can't hear it. i feel like i keep knocking on His door, and He's just ignoring me. do you understand what that feels like? to stand there and wait, and wait, and wait, but He doesn't come, and He doesn't answer.
i think 2 years ago, a small part of me died, and i haven't been the same since. lately the memories have been haunting me, and certain fears have returned. it makes me want to run, to run away and never come back. to go where no one knows me, where no one even knows my name. to be alone, and leave it all behind.
~I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are~
i've called...but where is the answer? God where are you?
i try to turn to God, but everytime i get near, i feel the need to pull away. i want to feel the comfort of God's hand in my life, but i find myself turning to worldly things instead. i'm trying to hear God's voice, but i feel like everything else in my life drowns it out. i can't hear it. i feel like i keep knocking on His door, and He's just ignoring me. do you understand what that feels like? to stand there and wait, and wait, and wait, but He doesn't come, and He doesn't answer.
i think 2 years ago, a small part of me died, and i haven't been the same since. lately the memories have been haunting me, and certain fears have returned. it makes me want to run, to run away and never come back. to go where no one knows me, where no one even knows my name. to be alone, and leave it all behind.
~I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are~
i've called...but where is the answer? God where are you?
28 Feb 2007
restless
i hate this state of restlessness that i've fallen into. this state of unsatisfaction where nothing seems to cease my frustration with everything in my life. i have a job for which i should be grateful, i have a wonderful family, and amazing friends, all of which are Godsent, and all of which i am very grateful for. so why am i so unhappy and so frustrated with my life? a year ago my life was a question mark as graduation neared, but at least i was happy. scared, but happy. now i find myself caught in the materialistic world, chasing after jobs that pay me more money, longing for things that bring only temporary satisfaction. where has all my passion gone? where did all that joy go?
i feel as if i've become what i wanted to become the least. i've become one of those people who wake up every morning and dread going to work. i've become one of those people who hate their jobs, and in turn i think i'm starting to hate myself for it.
maybe i'm restless because i've haven't attained all that God meant for me. i'm not where God wants me to be, i'm not doing what He wants me to do. but what is it that He wants for me, where is it that i am to be? i thought it was here, so was it? i'm waiting, and i'm getting impatient.
right now i'd do anything to jump back onto that plane and head back to the philippines, but i believe that's called running away from reality... and in a way, running away from God. i know that He hasn't called me back there just yet... and that right now i need to stay put and wait on God. somedays are easier than others... but God knows best, and if i try to do my own thing i know i'll simply land flat on my face. so gotta just keep trekking for the sake of eternity.
i feel as if i've become what i wanted to become the least. i've become one of those people who wake up every morning and dread going to work. i've become one of those people who hate their jobs, and in turn i think i'm starting to hate myself for it.
maybe i'm restless because i've haven't attained all that God meant for me. i'm not where God wants me to be, i'm not doing what He wants me to do. but what is it that He wants for me, where is it that i am to be? i thought it was here, so was it? i'm waiting, and i'm getting impatient.
right now i'd do anything to jump back onto that plane and head back to the philippines, but i believe that's called running away from reality... and in a way, running away from God. i know that He hasn't called me back there just yet... and that right now i need to stay put and wait on God. somedays are easier than others... but God knows best, and if i try to do my own thing i know i'll simply land flat on my face. so gotta just keep trekking for the sake of eternity.
2 Jan 2007
happy new years!
HAPPY 2007! i can't believe that 2006 is over already. feels like yesterday that we celebrated the end of 2005. praise God for the most amazing year yet. despite all the uncertainty this year was filled with, and all the anxiety of not knowing what was/is ahead for me, i still think that it was a wonderful year. the highlight was definitely missions in the Philippines, and 3 months in HK with family and random friends.
this past year brought new struggles and trials that i had not seen before, but i stayed focused on God, and He carried me through each and every single time. i'm thankful for new struggles and trials because that means that i've grown and that i'm not struggling with the same thing year after year. and this past year was also the most happy i've been in years, so praise God for filling my heart with joy and laughter.
several things i learned this year: i now know how it feels for those who don't speak any chinese to step in our church... it's confuing... and you just don't understand what's going on half the time. i've seen firsthand that prayer goes beyond language and border and culture. i've learned how to bury the past and be happy with where i am. i've learned that finding a job is hard... esp one that you will "enjoy." most importantly i've learned the importance of having family and friends support, pray and encourage you in everything is a previlaged, not to be taken for granted.
as the new year begins, i pray that God continues to touch everyone in which ever way they need. i pray that you will all find Him in all that you do, and He will bless you in everything. i'm excited to see what He has in store for 2007, no matter good or bad, because i know that He is in control, and whatever happens, it will be develop my faith in Him, and through it i will mature.
have a good one!
this past year brought new struggles and trials that i had not seen before, but i stayed focused on God, and He carried me through each and every single time. i'm thankful for new struggles and trials because that means that i've grown and that i'm not struggling with the same thing year after year. and this past year was also the most happy i've been in years, so praise God for filling my heart with joy and laughter.
several things i learned this year: i now know how it feels for those who don't speak any chinese to step in our church... it's confuing... and you just don't understand what's going on half the time. i've seen firsthand that prayer goes beyond language and border and culture. i've learned how to bury the past and be happy with where i am. i've learned that finding a job is hard... esp one that you will "enjoy." most importantly i've learned the importance of having family and friends support, pray and encourage you in everything is a previlaged, not to be taken for granted.
as the new year begins, i pray that God continues to touch everyone in which ever way they need. i pray that you will all find Him in all that you do, and He will bless you in everything. i'm excited to see what He has in store for 2007, no matter good or bad, because i know that He is in control, and whatever happens, it will be develop my faith in Him, and through it i will mature.
have a good one!
21 Dec 2006
no one said it would be easy
"The reason some of us are such poor specimens of Christianity is because we have no Almighty Christ. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment to Jesus Christ." ~ Oswald Chambers
so often, i find myself falling into the trap of becoming that sunday christian. especially now that i'm not serving at church, it's so easy to just praise and worship God on sunday... then on every other day... god gets put on the back burner, and sometimes even pushed out of my life completely. it doesn't work so well to compartimentalize your life into church and non-church. one will always dominiate over the other, and they can never co-exist in harmony.
when we don't abandon our lives to God, He doesn't come shining through our lives. what ends up showing through is our true selfish human nature. the part of us that isn't able to love through God's supernatural love, and therefore we are called hypocrites and turn people away from Christianity. when we lead that double-faced life of ours, it's easy to see why people would call us hypocrites. i'd call myself one too.
but God never promised that being a Christian would be easy. He never promised that it would be all blue skies and daisies. BUT He did promise that He would walk it with us, and never leave us on our own as long as we put our faith in Him. human nature causes us to not abandon our lives to God, therefore, God does not come shining through.
honestly, even the best of christian makes mistakes sometimes. it's only human. so please, just cut us some slack. we do try our best.
so often, i find myself falling into the trap of becoming that sunday christian. especially now that i'm not serving at church, it's so easy to just praise and worship God on sunday... then on every other day... god gets put on the back burner, and sometimes even pushed out of my life completely. it doesn't work so well to compartimentalize your life into church and non-church. one will always dominiate over the other, and they can never co-exist in harmony.
when we don't abandon our lives to God, He doesn't come shining through our lives. what ends up showing through is our true selfish human nature. the part of us that isn't able to love through God's supernatural love, and therefore we are called hypocrites and turn people away from Christianity. when we lead that double-faced life of ours, it's easy to see why people would call us hypocrites. i'd call myself one too.
but God never promised that being a Christian would be easy. He never promised that it would be all blue skies and daisies. BUT He did promise that He would walk it with us, and never leave us on our own as long as we put our faith in Him. human nature causes us to not abandon our lives to God, therefore, God does not come shining through.
honestly, even the best of christian makes mistakes sometimes. it's only human. so please, just cut us some slack. we do try our best.
27 Nov 2006
there's always a choice
everything we do, is the result of a choice that we make. there is always a choice. you may choose to go to class, or you may choose to sleep in. you may choose to go to work, or you may call in sick. i taken a certain route to work because i choose to take it. as we get older, the more choices we need to make. when you're little, your parents make all your decisions for you, when to sleep, where to go to school, what to eat for dinner, sometimes even what you should wear everyday. it was easy, everything was decided for us.
then we started getting older, and parents started to let us make our decisions more often. more say in which extracurricular activities to take part in, what to wear, how to cut our hair, which high school to go to, which classes to take, which university, what to major in, etc.
and i guess now i've reached that stage where i need to decide, what kinda job i want, what city do i want to be in, what kinda person i'd want to marry, should i buy a car, a house, etc. the more choices we have to make, the harder it seems. as our parents start letting go, we start to realize that not all decisions take 15 seconds. not everything is black and white. sometimes, there is no wrong choice, sometimes, you just need to make a choice.
who we are and where we are in life is a result of all the choices that we have made. i am who i am because i chose God above everything else in this world. i am where i am becuase i chose to follow God instead of my own needs and wants. sometimes, i get frustrated, and i want to take the easy way out. i want to choose the world instead of God. i want to make that choice to turn my back on God and walk away from it all. taking the higher road is not easy, and it does not come with out its consequences. to take the higher road means i have to give up myself... and sometimes that isn't the easiest thing to do. we're naturally selfish people, and we want to take care of ourselves first.
but as hard as taking the higher road is, it is the choice that leaves me with the least amount of regrets. it is the choice that does not leave me in shame or guilt. and there will always be times when there only seems like one way out of a situation, but that's a lie. there is always a choice, and that choice is always left for us to make. no one else can make up our minds for us. so don't ever blame a situation you're in on someone else. you're the only person who could've allowed yourself into that situation. (okay... of course unless someone hits you on the road while you're following all the traffic rules.)
so don't blame God for putting you into something. you wouldn't be in it unless you've allowed Him into your life to do so, and it's because He thinks you can handle it. take it as a compliment. everything is your choice.
then we started getting older, and parents started to let us make our decisions more often. more say in which extracurricular activities to take part in, what to wear, how to cut our hair, which high school to go to, which classes to take, which university, what to major in, etc.
and i guess now i've reached that stage where i need to decide, what kinda job i want, what city do i want to be in, what kinda person i'd want to marry, should i buy a car, a house, etc. the more choices we have to make, the harder it seems. as our parents start letting go, we start to realize that not all decisions take 15 seconds. not everything is black and white. sometimes, there is no wrong choice, sometimes, you just need to make a choice.
who we are and where we are in life is a result of all the choices that we have made. i am who i am because i chose God above everything else in this world. i am where i am becuase i chose to follow God instead of my own needs and wants. sometimes, i get frustrated, and i want to take the easy way out. i want to choose the world instead of God. i want to make that choice to turn my back on God and walk away from it all. taking the higher road is not easy, and it does not come with out its consequences. to take the higher road means i have to give up myself... and sometimes that isn't the easiest thing to do. we're naturally selfish people, and we want to take care of ourselves first.
but as hard as taking the higher road is, it is the choice that leaves me with the least amount of regrets. it is the choice that does not leave me in shame or guilt. and there will always be times when there only seems like one way out of a situation, but that's a lie. there is always a choice, and that choice is always left for us to make. no one else can make up our minds for us. so don't ever blame a situation you're in on someone else. you're the only person who could've allowed yourself into that situation. (okay... of course unless someone hits you on the road while you're following all the traffic rules.)
so don't blame God for putting you into something. you wouldn't be in it unless you've allowed Him into your life to do so, and it's because He thinks you can handle it. take it as a compliment. everything is your choice.
20 Nov 2006
simply grace
did you know that God loves you so much more than anything? did you know that you mean so much more to Him than you could ever imagaine? did you know that all God wants is your life? if you don't know how much God loves you, and desires for your life, read the Parable of the Lost Sheep (Matt 18:10-14)
sometimes, we feel like giving God control over our whole lives is way too much. we feel like if we hand everything over, then life will suck and we won't have any fun. we feel like if we don't have any say in our own lives, then nothing will turn out okay. i am definitely one of those who are guilty of this. i don't want to hand God everything, i'm scared that the things that matter to me most won't matter to God, and He'll either remove it from my plans, or just do a half-ass job on it. i get scared that if i have no say that God will make me do things that i don't want to do. i'm not perfect, i have things that i'm unable to put before God. i stumble and fall all the time. i demand to have things my way from God all the time.
but have you ever considered how much God sacrificed in order to be able to have these intimate relationships with us? have you ever thought about how much God had lost in order that we might gain and live in eternity with Him? we feel like if we give up our lives to God, we give up our freedom and we give up all our fun. i feel like that all the time. the legalistic side of the religion demands that i live that pure and blameless life that Jesus lived. it makes me feel like there is no room for error, no room for me to "live my life."
do you know that God sacrificed His son on the cross for us? Jesus died on that cross so that can be free in Christ. He died to make me blameless before God, therefore through grace we are saved, it is grace that leaves room for error. of course there is also the difference between making a mistake and doing something wrong for the sake of doing something wrong. somedays i feel like life without God would be so much more free and so much more fun, but then i remember everything that God has done in my life, and i know that's not true. i know that because of God, i have true joy that i would not have otherwise. i am free from sin, that that is better than "feeling" free because that's what the world has defined as being free.
the gravitational pull of worldly things is huge, and i admit that there are times when that pull seems to be so much stronger than the pull of the holy spirit. but that's why God requires us to spend daily time in his word and learning more about Him. it's not easy, and somedays, we will fall, but God simply requires that we try, and grace will do the rest.
sometimes, we feel like giving God control over our whole lives is way too much. we feel like if we hand everything over, then life will suck and we won't have any fun. we feel like if we don't have any say in our own lives, then nothing will turn out okay. i am definitely one of those who are guilty of this. i don't want to hand God everything, i'm scared that the things that matter to me most won't matter to God, and He'll either remove it from my plans, or just do a half-ass job on it. i get scared that if i have no say that God will make me do things that i don't want to do. i'm not perfect, i have things that i'm unable to put before God. i stumble and fall all the time. i demand to have things my way from God all the time.
but have you ever considered how much God sacrificed in order to be able to have these intimate relationships with us? have you ever thought about how much God had lost in order that we might gain and live in eternity with Him? we feel like if we give up our lives to God, we give up our freedom and we give up all our fun. i feel like that all the time. the legalistic side of the religion demands that i live that pure and blameless life that Jesus lived. it makes me feel like there is no room for error, no room for me to "live my life."
do you know that God sacrificed His son on the cross for us? Jesus died on that cross so that can be free in Christ. He died to make me blameless before God, therefore through grace we are saved, it is grace that leaves room for error. of course there is also the difference between making a mistake and doing something wrong for the sake of doing something wrong. somedays i feel like life without God would be so much more free and so much more fun, but then i remember everything that God has done in my life, and i know that's not true. i know that because of God, i have true joy that i would not have otherwise. i am free from sin, that that is better than "feeling" free because that's what the world has defined as being free.
the gravitational pull of worldly things is huge, and i admit that there are times when that pull seems to be so much stronger than the pull of the holy spirit. but that's why God requires us to spend daily time in his word and learning more about Him. it's not easy, and somedays, we will fall, but God simply requires that we try, and grace will do the rest.
9 Nov 2006
oh i love them filipinos!
God reminded me of why He sent me to the philippines for a month today. through some letters that arrived in the mail... i was reminded of why God sent me to those kids, and put them into my heart even before i set foot into that country! the kids in the picture are the kids who wrote to me. they're my grades 4, 5 and 6 whom i was teaching math to. i didn't even realize that i missed them so much until i got these letters.
why does it bring me such joy? cause i completely forgot how bad their english was! i forgot that they would write these notes, and i'd be starring at 2 sentences for 5 min trying to figure out what in the world the point of it was! ahh... such fun times those were. and the best part of opening these letters was when i opened them, and i looked down at the first letter, these were the first words that i read: dear mommy cecilia... i was like "what the?!!" and then i saw who it was from and i almost fell to the ground laughing! if you guys want to know what else was funny, just ask, i'll show you the letters!
funny how God always brings the right things at the right time. always something there to remind me that He's still there and He's taking care of me. at the same time keeping me accountable to keeping these people in my heart and in my prayers. a reminder that the burdens He's placed on my heart weren't of my own imagnation and they were from God, and they were things that He wanted me to do. somedays, i feel like my trip to the philippines was such a gong show and that i gained nothing from it, but a suitcase full of dried mangoes. but when i hear from them, it makes me want to be back there with them, and i realized i gained exactly what God had wanted to.
these kids taught me what it means to rely on God for everything. they taught me what simple joys really mean. they taught me how to open up my heart to let strangers in. and most importantly they have taught me that life is only as good as you make it out to be.
8 Nov 2006
it all ends... right here, right now
unfortunately that does not correspond to my job searching. but that is okay. because i read this during my devotions last night:
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it be yours." ~ Mark 11:24
after hearing that, i know that i only need to trust in my God and have faith that He will provide me with all that i need, and it will all be done according to His good and perfect will for my life!
...
do NOT bring down everything that i have worked so hard to build up this past year. i am NOT going back to all that pain and deception. so please just leave me be. i was only trying to be nice, and did not mean any more by it. i thought God has provided the platform for reconciliation, and i was simply answering that call for it. well... you're ruined your last chance. this is it. i say no more.
i thought friendship was finally a possibility. so why did you go and wreck all that? so maybe the time isn't right yet. maybe the time will never be right. that lies in God's hands now. you have been given your very last chance to make it right... and you messed it up. so please just stop with the mind games. i don't need them no more. don't feed me any more of your lies. i'm walking away once and for all. please respect me for the human being that i am. i do have feelings, i do have a heart, and i will get hurt.
so i beg you. please just leave me be until you're ready to understand and apologize.
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it be yours." ~ Mark 11:24
after hearing that, i know that i only need to trust in my God and have faith that He will provide me with all that i need, and it will all be done according to His good and perfect will for my life!
...
do NOT bring down everything that i have worked so hard to build up this past year. i am NOT going back to all that pain and deception. so please just leave me be. i was only trying to be nice, and did not mean any more by it. i thought God has provided the platform for reconciliation, and i was simply answering that call for it. well... you're ruined your last chance. this is it. i say no more.
i thought friendship was finally a possibility. so why did you go and wreck all that? so maybe the time isn't right yet. maybe the time will never be right. that lies in God's hands now. you have been given your very last chance to make it right... and you messed it up. so please just stop with the mind games. i don't need them no more. don't feed me any more of your lies. i'm walking away once and for all. please respect me for the human being that i am. i do have feelings, i do have a heart, and i will get hurt.
so i beg you. please just leave me be until you're ready to understand and apologize.
3 Nov 2006
WHAM!!!
my... that was one hard wall that i hit this week. so still no call from starbucks, so i've just figured that they're not going to hire me. and another rejection today... so even bmo won't hire me as a teller... what IS going on?!?! am i really that underqualified to work in a bank? am i really bombing all my interviews THAT badly?!? well... i know i bombed today at ATB. i feel sooooo sad right now! after my sad perfomance, the only way they're going to call me back with good news will be completely by God's grace! i even studied for the interview... and it just all came out wrong... and the stuff they tested me on was totally not what i had done with that same program at school... totally using it in a completely different way! *sigh*
~I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.~ Isaiah 42:16
i know that God will lead me and provide for me just like He did for the Isrealites. i believe because that's all i have to go by now. i am completely discouraged by all the rejection. it just seems like no matter what, i either don't even get the interview and when i do... i completely bomb it! but God's promised... so i will believe. no matter what His chosen people did to disgrace Him, He still loved them and kept His promises. so how much more will my Father in heaven do for me. God has taught me so much these past couple of weeks... i just hope that it's not too late. i hope that job is just a corner away... and one more turn down this dark twisted path that i call life... and the light will be there, and God will be there waiting for me to embrace me, and tell me that i did good, because this was exactly how He wanted me to endure this hardship. just a little more...
~I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.~ Isaiah 42:16
i know that God will lead me and provide for me just like He did for the Isrealites. i believe because that's all i have to go by now. i am completely discouraged by all the rejection. it just seems like no matter what, i either don't even get the interview and when i do... i completely bomb it! but God's promised... so i will believe. no matter what His chosen people did to disgrace Him, He still loved them and kept His promises. so how much more will my Father in heaven do for me. God has taught me so much these past couple of weeks... i just hope that it's not too late. i hope that job is just a corner away... and one more turn down this dark twisted path that i call life... and the light will be there, and God will be there waiting for me to embrace me, and tell me that i did good, because this was exactly how He wanted me to endure this hardship. just a little more...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)