Happy New Years!

Happy New Years!!! Can't believe that it's already 2011... where did 2010 even go?!

Had a really amazing day today... started with worship at church this morning... lunch... and then hanging out at Citysuper looking for chocolate... hahaha :P And then off to Tai Wai for some biking action! After biking we went to Fo Tan for some "dai pai dong" action!

It was just really nice to get out of the city... to get off the island and just not be in a mall, stuck at home.... or basically just sitting indoors somewhere. It was a tad bit on the chilly side, but otherwise, it was actually a really nice day to be out biking. It was cold, so it wasn't too crazy busy either!

Even better was just that it was nice to have some real conversations... to be able to speak my mind and share what's been on my mind and my heart lately. It wasn't any crazy intense heart to heart conversations or anything, but it was nice to be real. I really enjoyed getting to hear other people open up and get real back... It's always so nice to find people with whom you can have a real conversation with... when you get past the superficial surface stuff and get to real meat and heart of a person... I could really just sit there and talk for a long time.

Not just the conversations... but just the whole getting out of the city and going exploring... that was so nice. I feel like it's been so long since I've done that... Since I've had a meal in a location not by where I live or frequent often... I think it was just nice to do something not a part of my regular weekend routine. I like structure... I like routine because it is predictable and I tend to WORK best in those situations... but I don't think I like my life structured and routine... I think I start to suffocate.

Honestly... it felt like a fresh breathe of air today... literally and metaphorically. I'm not saying I hate my life or something is wrong with it... but I won't lie... weekends have become rather routine. I do the same thing like almost every weekend... So yes... this weekend was really nice. It wasn't even just today... even yesterday, it was nice. Spent the whole day with my parents... literally. Woke up... we went for dim sum... sent my cousin off to the airport express... as she returns back to Stratmore for school... then shopping for a bit... and then home to relax... and then out for dinner. Hahaha... my mom was joking that my dad was so excited that he didn't stop talking the whole day... cause he never gets to spend a whole day with me. She was joking, but I think it was only half joking.

Thank-you God for a really awesome weekend. It was just right... and just what I needed. :)
As well... our reward for braving the cold to go biking... hot vita soy and chocolate milk. It warmed us right up! Soooo nice! :)

Last Post of 2010!!!

Oh my goodness... here we are... the last post of 2010!

Hahah... I don't know if Naters still reads my blog... but if he does: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATERS!!! :)

Anyways... now what was it that I wanted to talk about today... I woke up thinking about pizza today... no jokes. I wasn't hungry or anything... but I was just thinking about pizza. It was a tad bizarre. Oh... now I remember what I wanted to talk about.

So last night I went to my first worship practice in I don't know how long. It's been awhile, I marked off all of December to give myself a break from serving. It was a nice break, I think I really needed that time to just be able to spend time with friends, family... and to have some time to be able to go into Sundays without the stress or anxiety of having to worry about serving. It was nice... and I definitely felt the effects of that break last night as I went into worship practice.

I had a really good time at practice last night, and it made me realize just how much I have missed playing, and how much I've missed the fellowship of everyone from the worship team. Well... a portion of them anyways... cause that's all I got to see last night. We got some time to just spend together praying for Sunday, for each other, for the Church and for the new year... that was really nice. Just to be able to put aside the music... and just come before God as a team to pray. We don't get to do that very often... AND we were still able to finish before 9! Amazing!

Last night, I was also reminded that I decided to play not because I wanted to please people, or to be a part of a band, or to be on stage... I play because there is a desire within my heart to want to make music... and to make music that glorifies my God. A desire to put into music the love in my heart... that knows no other outpouring than through moving my fingers over a keyboard. Even though sometimes as a keys player... I really am just holding very simple chords... but even in that simplicity God allows me to pour our my offering of worship... and THIS is why I play for worship... THIS is why so many years ago I wanted to play music for God.

It is through music that I find an outlet to release things that words cannot describe. I'm excited to play on Sunday! It's been awhile... but I'm glad that I got a break. It is through this break that I was refreshed... and reminded that this is somewhere that God has placed me... and simply... this is a place where I belong! Yay God! :)

Oh how selfish we all can be...

I've been thinking about how selfish people can be... and then I started thinking about how selfish I can be... this is something I like to think of while I am standing in line at the bank. When there is a long line at the bank, I too tend to get impatient, and I start wondering why they don't open more windows... or why the lady sitting at her counter is closed and not taking any customers... and then I always always catch myself in the midst of these thoughts. I too have been on the other side of the counter... I too have had angry and impatient customers yell at me about why there aren't anymore counters opened... or why I am closed while there is such a long line of customers waiting to be served.

Let me tell you... it's not that I didn't want to serve the customers who were waiting in line... it is simply that I had paper work or other things to be sorted from my pervious customer that needed to be dealt with before I could take a new customer. When I put myself back into that place, it is much easier to not get impatient and angry while I am waiting in line. I know and understand what they have to put up with, and what they have to do... therefore I simply choose to not let the long line bother me... if I make the choice to go to the bank during one of the busiest hours during the day, then I should expect to have to wait in line.

For the most part, I am okay with waiting in lines... I really just don't let it get to me. What really gets to me... is rush hour on the MTR. I try so hard to put myself into the shoes of those who are shoving bags into my face... pushing my face into someone else so that they can cram onto the train... cutting me in line so that they can get on the train... elbows, newspapers... etc etc. This I really just cannot understand.

In other situations I am also learning... to not let the "how does this affect me?" react first, but to look from the other person's perspective first. It is not easy... because my mind naturally wants to react from the point of view that I am the person who has been wronged... that I am the person that is in the right... but to lay that aside and say... well, maybe they had a bad day or maybe they're struggling with something... and to be gracious towards that and continue to love is very hard... and honestly, very unnatural to do. It is easier sometimes with people you love and care about, but only a tiny bit. For the most part when my person feels that it is being attacked... I do not wish to put myself into the other person's shoes.

This is one lesson that has a very very steep learning curve... but I feel that it is a very important one that will lead me to new places in the new year! Why else would God be making this such a pressing lesson that He wants me to learn... *sigh* God sustain me... and give me grace... because I know that I will not be able to do this on my own. My human nature just screams rebellion... but my heart desires to see this through... the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... :P

Missing the snow...

So... this is my 4th Christmas in Hong Kong... so it has been 4 Christmases where I have not seen snow... it makes me miss Canada. It really does... I really missed skating/playing hockey on Christmas Day... and trying to drive out to the mountains for a short snowboarding trip during the holidays... I really really miss snow!

Who would've known that when I came back for holidays 4 Christmases ago, it would result in 2 job interviews, and then a job offer which would ultimately bring me back to Hong Kong... and into the very life which I am living at the moment... working at a Christian NGO, working with Refugees and Asylum Seekers... dating Pyoo... God is funny. I didn't even have friends or a real church family at that time, I just decided to go "all in" and make the move to Hong Kong.

But that is ok, because we're going to Tokyo and Hakuba during CNY for snow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay snow!!!!!! I can't wait to see snow!!!! :)

Just gonna keep going...

So I made it all the way to Christmas... but I thought it might be a good idea to keep this up anyways. :)

Christmas break did not actually feel like a Christmas break this year... it was more just like a long weekend, so I'm still having a hard time comprehending that Christmas has come and gone. It was pretty good weekend, started the festivities with some family time, and then handing out daily needs packages in Wan Chai... then back to the Chow's for some food and fellowship and gift exchange action. I have to say, in general, people were a lot nicer this time than when we played it at Plus... by the end of the game at Plus we still had quite a number of gifts in the middle... hahaha, but at the Chow's... people just took what was in the middle instead of stealing most of the time. It was a very tame game of gift exchange.

Christmas Day woke up late... dim sum with the family, shopping, and then outdoor buffet at the Jockey Club out in Sheung Shui.... who has outdoor buffet in temperatures that are almost below 10?!?!? Anyways... food was pretty good... it was cold though... and so so far in the middle of nowhere! Then drinks with Vicks in Knutsford... just catching up on the happenings of Edmonton. :)

Boxing Day forced myself out of bed to go to service... it was good. Then Cheung Chau for lunch... home for a nap... and then family hotpot action out in Ap Lei Chau... and then home again to be warm under my covers for more sleep!

Holiday Monday... woke up to get ready for Caleb and Christina's wedding... chillings with people... and then to SoHo for Bomi's bday celebrations which consisted of mani/pedis, tea at Portobello's and dinner at Life Organic Cafe for some vegetarian goodness... just for Bomi!

What a weekend! So much eating... and sleeping. In the midst of the craziness, I think I'm learning to sort out my own thoughts... between what is real, and what is not. What is of substance, and what is a manifestation of my fears and anxieties. So hard... but it is good. Learning to fight and argue with that unreasonable voice in my head... somedays it still wins and I give in to listening to the voice... but will keep going... God will continue to sustain me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Only 1 day late... :P

Can't believe that Christmas has come and gone. Hope everyone is having a good one! It's getting chilly here in Hong Kong... so it kinda actually feels like Christmas... and I love that our building buys real trees every year so the foyer smells like Christmas tree!

Been an interesting last couple of days... of just eating, family and friends! Really don't got much to say...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Advent Day 24

Oh my goodness it's Christmas Eve! and day 24 of my blogging exercise!

Before Pyoo got on the plane the other night we decided to give a prayer of thanks for everything that's passed this year... and there was definitely lots to be thankful for! A year ago we were all in fractic prayer for Pyoo's mom for his health and now she is healthy and doing well! That seems like so long ago now... God is so incredibly good!

This past year has definitely been a chellenging and stretching one... from leaving HSBC, to doing school applications, being unemployed and uncertain about my future,volunteering at different places, not getting into school, and then finding this new job... there were so many moments where I didn't think I would make it... so many times where I thought there was no hope because there was so much that was unknown and so much that didn't make sense... but here I am at the end 2010.

God has carried me through every happy moment, every doubtful moment, every confusing moment, every frustrating moment, every angry moment, through each and every single moment of this past year. Even when it didn't feel like he was... He was there. He is a good God! I learned once again that no matter how hard I try to plan... no matter how hard I try to guess at the unknown... I always fail because I can't plan better than God, and I can't guess what God might have up His sleeve...

Finally listening to Christmas music... it's funny... usually I start like in August... getting excited for Christmas and listening to Christmas music, but this year... it's been different. I wonder if that's age... or just because of the crazy, hectic and insane year that it has been... maybe it had something to do with not looking forward to spending Christmas without Pyoo again... :P Oh well... getting kinda excited... it's about time, cause it is Christmas Eve after all!

Have a good night, and stay warm and be safe! :)

Advent Day 23

Wow... tomorrow is Christmas Eve... where did this past year go? I can't believe that it's almost 2011!

This makes me laugh:

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die." ~ Proverbs 23:13

Although I also realize that it is a verse of much controversy... but it makes me laugh. I shall not get into a theological debate about whether it is or is not right to hit a child for discipline purposes. But here it is ladies and gentlemen... the verse IS in the Bible.

Pyoo left for NYC... AGAIN! That is okay... lots to do with everyone else... friends, family... that should keep me pretty busy until he gets back... but it does feel like he is gone extra long this time. And he didn't even leave me a Christmas present! Well... I guess I also didn't ask for anything specific... and according to what I wrote a couple of days ago, that would mean I shouldn't get anything... hahaha... but I don't think that applies to him. :P

Looking forward to just sitting back and relaxing... this weekend... doesn't even feel like a holiday... cause it's just a long weekend really.... but will make the most of it... as soon I finish these reports...

Advent Day 22

And here we are at day 22...

"The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches, honour, and life." ~ Proverbs 22:4

Somehow I don't think God meant material riches when it said riches... maybe he did. I don't know the complete theology behind this verse... nor have the time to dig into it at the moment. Just made me think...

Was thinking this morning whether life would be easier had I stayed at HSBC... I don't know... these questions are dumb and useless. What's the point in wondering? I think that is my nature... I always like to think and "evaluate" to see whether the decisions I had made were for the best, or had I chosen otherwise, things would be better. This is a horrible way to think! It doesn't even matter, because this is where I am because of the choices I have made... it's not like I can go back in time and change these decisions... so why do I bother with stuff like that?! I really need to stop dwelling on my past decisions.

Sometimes I really dislike that nature in myself to always have to make the "best" choice. What do I measure this "best" by anyways? By the world's standard? By my parent's standards? By my past experiences? "Best" should be measured by God... so as long as I am walking in His will then I am on the "best" path that I can be on. Okay... if I look at my life from any other perspective at the moment, I will say perhaps I have not made the wisest choice.... but when I see it from God's perspective... or in the scheme of His bigger picture... life ain't so bad. Learning to see from a perspective that doesn't scream justice for myself... wow... it is not easy. But I think I'm on the right path to learning what true humility is...

Advent Day 21

Wow... Christmas is in like 4 days...

My cousin is home safely! :)

So day 21 begins with me waking up groggy from the effects of Nyquil... Pyoo thinks I wake up like this everyday, I beg to differ. This morning was definitely the drugs.

Vanity... what does it even mean? Well according to dictionary.com it means the following:

excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc; character or quality of being vain, conceit

Humility... on the reverse is:

the quality of condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

Interesting... puts the reason why God loves modest people in perspective. Only modest people have room for God, only they are capable of giving God the glory that He deserves. Vain people think so much of themselves that there is not room left to give glory to God... Learning to strive for humility is a continuous process... still working on it.

Advent Day 18, 19 and 20

I appear to be getting lazy... you know, it's really hard to find something to write about everyday!

Slept in on Saturday (Day 18)... and then went to work. We had a Christmas Party... lost my voice after talking (and perhaps some yelling and screaming)... Woke up with a crazy runny nose... finally took some medicine before the party started... and it got me through the 4 hours without me trying to blow off my nose. Then it was attempted Christmas shopping... before giving up and going back to 18/F to just do nothing.

Sunday (Day 19) woke up tired... went to 11:30 service... had some lunch, and then headed over the the Leung's for Bacon and Eggs + Friends Christmas celebration! Mmmm... turkey and other foods from Vikki followed by some intense gift exchange action... so much stealing. I think by the end... most of the gifts had been stolen at least once... (except my wine glasses... *sigh*) and most were no longer available to be stolen.

Now back to today... Monday (Day 20)... wow... I can't believe that it's only a couple more days until Christmas. It honestly doesn't feel like it... I haven't done much Christmas shopping... nor do I have much of a mood for Christmas shopping. What do you buy for people who already has everything that they need? Maybe I should just start making donations in people's names as presents... How often has Christmas presents just sat in your home without ever being touched or used? I think I've been struggling with this for the past... I don't know how many years. Don't get me wrong... I love getting presents... (and having not bought anything for the past... 4-5 months I've definitely developed a little list of wants...) but I can't seem to justify buying useless things for people that I really don't think they're going to use...

This is one of my biggest struggles... I really dislike buying junk for people... but that makes it hard to buy for people who buy everything for themselves... hahahaha... so my conclusion is that I don't buy gifts for people... :P Unless they've specifically asked for something... I think that is the best solution... :)

Advent Day 17

Sickness continues... with drinking my Chinese medicine at work... blech! So gross...

At least it's Friday today! Yay! And we have tickets to watch Harry Potter! :) I do have to work tomorrow though... but it's just a Christmas party, should be fun! It's always a pleasure to see all the kids from the centre out and about... being cute!

I'm happy about the cold weather... but at the same time not. hahaha... It's nice that it actually feels like winter, but without indoor heating... (and bad circulation on my part) it's just really hard to stay warm sometimes. For some reason it feels like cold air is coming into my room from somewhere, but I can't figure out from where... This cold air blowing on me while I sleep is not helping my recovery process...

This job always has been sitting on the fence between compassion and justice... on one hand I really want to help these people... but on the other, I really want to be fair. Have not yet reached a conclusion of some sort yet... still debating it in my head. Let's just say... arguing with someone yesterday... or sorry, trying to explain without raising my voice (which I couldn't actually physically do anyways...) made my throat hurt even worse when I finished work.

1 more hour... almost there... now back to my reports...

Advent Day 15 amd 16...

Bah!!! Still sick!! And it doesn't help that the temperatures have dropped below 10... but I will not let it drag me down... I will get better... (although I do feel that the Chinese medicine is making me feel worse than it is making me feel better...)

So yesterday I missed another day of blogging... as well as another day of work. *sigh* What I had hoped to be a day of rest became a day of running around from doctor to doctor... and didn't really get to sit and rest until 5... Although it was a nice highlight when Pyoo came back from BKK and stayed in HK instead of going straight back up to SZ. I wasn't much company... but it was nice just to have him there taking care of me.

Feeling thankful for all of the people God has placed around me (you know who you guys are!) Just thankful for their walking with me through so much stuff in the past 2 years... sorry, almost 3 years that I've been in HK! Such a huge blessing to have people around me who are willing to ask the tough questions, pray through the hard times, but also know how to have a good time! I don't think I could be where I am today without their support and encouragement and most importantly prayers!!! And even those who haven't been near distance-wise... just thankful to those who have stayed in touch and makes an effort to find out what I've been up to... or just to say hi and what not! Just so so thankful!

Am also very thankful for my family. Very grateful to God for putting my whole family back together in one place! It's been a blessing that I can't even describe... and just for such supportive parents! God takes very good care of me! So even when I am sick like this... I am reminded of how much it sucked to be sick like this while I was living by myself in Edmonton, and so glad that it's not like that anymore. :)

Sick... but in a good mood!

Advent Day 14

I should be working on some well... work... but I want to get this done first... :P It's almost lunch time anyways... and I'm HUNGRY!!! It's hard to concentrate when I'm hungry...

Have you ever had something weigh so heavy on your heart that you know that you won't be able to hear or see anything else until you submit in obedience to what God is calling you to do? That is how I am feeling right now... bah. I know I will not find peace... or that peace will not return until I listen and obey... So I shall... I shall...

God's word for me on the weekend was that I am a diamond. That is how God sees me... and not just any ordinary one... a very shiny, exquisite, and beautiful diamond. He came searching for me in the mines... But I'm no longer there, He has brought me out, cleaned me off, and cut me into the most beautiful diamond. He's polishing... and I wish to be so... I don't want to remain where I am now if God has more and better in store for me to become... Still processing all of the thoughts from the weekend... but I've started.

I want to get all this processing done... but this sickness is getting the best of me... and I still sound like a frog... :( Perhaps a visit to the doctor is required... *sigh*

Advent Days 10, 11, 12 and 13

Now I shall make up for being MIA for the past 4 days...

Day 10: Work Christmas Party at Disneyland Hotel... and then got into Disneyland for free, but we only stayed long enough to watch the Lion King Show... :P Then it was off to Tung Chung for dinner and then to board the bus for the 180 retreat. I have to admit, I wasn't too excited, since I woke up that morning with a sore throat and all...

Day 11 and 12: Some crazy 180 retreat action... all while trying to fight this dang sore throat. Even now... I sound like a frog. I'm gonna try my best to not talk at work today. (So far.. it's not really working.) Retreat was good... I always love being near oceans and mountains... even though being outside with the wind makes me more sick... :P Had some good chats with people, played some silly games, spent some time with God... etc. Still thinking over the words that were spoken over me by Karla about being a diamond. Perhaps that could be another blog entry later... Retreat ended... and we all returned to the Vine for the Christmas Pageant. Then it was a mad dash out to the airport for Pyoo to catch his flight to Bkk. Ok... it wasn't that much of a mad dash... it was more crazy getting our luggage out from the church or just getting out of church in general than it was trying to get out to the airport. Pyoo wasn't the last one on the plane... so we made good time. :)

Day 13: And here we are... all caught up. Well... only kind of. I totally didn't do justice for the retreat... but I really think I will save that for another day. Today I still woke up sounding like a frog... should probably see a doctor... but don't really feel like it. There's something I really want to let go of... but I'm not quite sure how to go about it at the moment. I think it is time... and I should delay it no more... but oh my goodness, I really don't want to. So with that said... I don't really have much to write about at the moment... just need to pray and think about this some more...

Advent Day 9

And day 9 began... with waking up with a crazy runny nose, and the decision to stay home as opposed to trying to fight the cold whilst at work... best decision ever! Instead of going to work... and then making myself more sick, I spent the day at home sleeping, and now I am feeling tonnes better!

I'm all packed... and ready for 180 retreat! And it's 10... and it's off to bed I go again! See ya'll in a couple of days after the retreat is over!

Advent Day 8

Here we are... day 8.

Been thinking about this all morning... well, not all morning, but for the past little bit. What is it in us as ladies that causes us to desire to be beautiful? Not only that, but desires for that beauty in us to be affirmed by those around us. You know, as women we hear a lot "Your affirmation needs to come from God and not from anything or anyone else." But I would like to raise a question, is it not Biblical?

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.'" ~ Proverbs 31:28-29

I know he is not telling her that she is more beautiful than other women... but he does say that she is better than others.

"If you do not know, O most beautiful among women..." ~ Song of Solomon 1:8

Perhaps this is only okay within the context of marriage. Then again, maybe this shines a light onto why we desire to be "best" in the eyes of the one we love. There's always the argument that it is because of the curse from Genesis 3.

"Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." ~ Genesis 3:16b

I think I may just be digging a hole for myself at the moment. But I continue to dig... I wonder if this is all because we are God's creation, God sees us all as so, and therefore finds us all beautiful and lovable. Therefore, for us to be praised is actually bringing praise and glory to God because He is our maker. So our inner desire to be praised is actually built into us by God because it brings him delight when we praise His creation, which means we are praising Him!

I know that this has been so skewed in our minds... and we get in danger when we desire that praise for ourselves, and don't turn the glory back to God. But let's leave that whole thing for another day.

Please don't send me hate mail... these are just my thoughts. They're not solidly grounded in anything.

Advent Day 7

Got a lot of thoughts on my mind... but honestly, none of them are blog-worthy.

The weather's cooled off a lot this morning, it's nice. Starting to actually feel like December, perhaps... with the cold, it'll actually feel like Christmas is coming. Finished my Christmas cards... sorry to those of you who won't get one in the mail, I find myself getting lazier and lazier every year, the pack of cards I buy gets smaller and smaller... :P There's also the issue of not having addresses for a lot of people whom I wish to send a card to... My hand is a bit stiff and sore this morning from trying to finish all my cards last night. Now to get everything in the mail... I hope it all arrives on time... I'm cutting things a bit close this year... actually I think I do this every year.. :P

Was reading Proverbs 7 this morning... makes one think about the issue of sexual immorality... makes me think of all the news stands in Hong Kong that sells porn so shamelessly... and the alley I walk through every day in Chungking that's filled with this stuff... this stuff really is on every street corner... "at every corner she lies in wait." Solomon says the only way to keep from stumbling is to keep the Word of God in our hearts, to keep the teaching of God as "the apple of our eye." God must be our most desired, and we must know His word if we are to fight this fight... It's a hard fight, but it is not hopeless... "And if our God is for is then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us then what could stand against."

Advent Day 5 and 6... :P

So sad... I missed yesterday, but it could not be helped. I just didn't have time yesterday.

Anyways right now I just feel stupid... or just socially awkward. Francis Chan walked into our office this morning, and all I could do was stare. Hahaha... and after awkward staring from me, all I could say was "Hi!"... hahaha :P I feel like I met a celebrity... I wish I could've said what I want to say... oh well. Will just pray for him and his family, and God will speak to him. :)

To be very serious... all I can think about is Francis Chan... hahaha, we went to hear him speak on Crazy Love on Saturday, and then again on Sunday morning. This morning, I see him at work... so cool! Just been really blessed by the words that God speaks through him this past year.

Reflections wise... I think what he spoke about really tied in with what I wrote about a couple of days ago, about desire. God doesn't beg us to love him and worship him. Jesus paints for us a very real and blunt picture of what it means to follow God, and if we don't deem him worthy, then it is pointless for us to follow him. It all starts with whether we think he is worth, whether we think that he is worth more than anything else, and desire Him more than anything else in our lives.

Honestly, I really am still just in awe and shock. I know that it is because of some of things that I have received from listening to his podcasts that I have given up the bank to end up at this very job... that I heard God speak about pyoo... it's just so very very cool! I do pray that God will continue to bless him and his family as they continue to walk out His purpose for their lives. And that God will continue to bless their odedience to Him! :)

Even more so... I'm amused and in awe of God actually. Just so very very amused by the things he brings into my day, and the surprises that awaits me daily from Him... that reminds me of Him, what he's done in my life, and how much he loves me! He is soo soo good to me!

Okay... I guess I should also confess... one of the reasons I didn't have time to do my blog was because pyoo and I had to finish our Korean Drama watching... we finished watching our first ever korean dram together. Hahaha... it's nice to have someone to translate when the subtitles are really crap! Plus... it's helping me learn korean... so it was very useful and dare I saw beneficial to our relationship. :P Regardless, it was a good time, and I think sometimes the both of us just needs time to just sit and enjoy and do mindless activities. So I don't care... because I was enjoying quality time with pyoo!

Advent Day 4

Day 4...

Today I thought about focus.

"Let your eyes directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you." ~Proverbs 4:25

And then I thought about where I am heading. I read this today:

"But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day." ~ Proverbs 4:18

And I really liked it... it was a good reminder that I am always in light, no matter how uncertain my future is. And as I walk out what God wants for me, I am always walking towards the light. As I walk closer and closer towards what God has in store for me.. as I walk out his plan and his path for me... the brighter and brighter it becomes... and the more and more it makes sense. As well... the closer I get to Him, which means the closer I am to living in the light of His glory. That's pretty awesome.

Been thinking about dreams alot.. and God's purposes and plans for my life. He's been reminding me a lot that this isn't it, and that he still has a lot more in store for me, and that he has big plans for me. My life is not meant to be insignificant... none of our lives are. It's so encouraging to know that God's hand over my life... but at the same time... what that encompasses is so large, so scary as well.

Excited... but scared out of my mind... :P

Advent Day 3

Alright... so begins day 3...

Oh no I didn't get a chance to finish this today... and it is now 2 in the morning... but since I have not gone to bed yet... this still counts... :P

I have nothing deep and profound today, but it's been a really good day. Learned a bit about myself... we had to do these personality tests for work and apparently I fall into the classic profile of a perfectionist. I actually thought that was really funny. The description actually seemed to fit me quite right. This I actually found really funny... because I thought it was just the Canadian in me... but perhaps, it's more than just that...

Courteous: The words "please" and "thank you" may be instinctive to you. Because basic decency and respect go a long way, such an approach is bound to help form a satisfying environment.

On other good news... short chat with a friend in New York this morning to test out a new iPhone app... soooo funny! Too bad I had to work, would've been nice to be able to catch up a bit more... but I'll call again... cause the new apps allows for FREE phone calls! Called another friend from home... and heard good news from her! Was sooo happy to hear her voice, and hear her so happy! I literally started jumping up and down with glee at pyoo's.... :P Oh and did I mention that Pyoo bought me flowers today?


Nothing from the Bible today... but today was a day for me... where God showed me through so many different channels that He is a good God... and that He loves me, and everyone else around me! :) Hope you all had a good day as well.

Advent Day 2

So in celebration of the Christmas season... I've decided to alternate between red and green... :)

Today let's talk about desire. So this past weekend I was on a mission's trip with pyoo and his Plus at the Agape Family Life House. While we were there, one of the songs we sang the most was 'My All in All"... in Mandarin of course. Hahaha... anyways, one of the lines to that song is:

"Seeking you as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I'd be a fool, you are my all in all"

In Proverbs 2 it says:

"if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."

But before this seeking can take place, before these words can be real in our lives, it must begin with a desire for God. Think of a time when you've really wanted something. Because I am a girl, for the sake of illustration purposes, I will use shoes. I love shoes, and sometimes when I see a pair of shoes that I really like it really sucks when they come back and tell you, "sorry miss, we don't have your size." Then begins a search of different shoe shops that may sell the same pair of shoes, but in my size... A couple of months ago, while I was on such a search for a certain pair of shoes, it hit me. Shouldn't I search for God with that same desire and passion? If I am willing to search high and low for a pair of shoes, should my God not get the same from me if not more than that?

So before even the searching begins, the thought for today is, do I have that desire and thirst for God? Is there such a strong desire within me for my God that I would search high and low until I find Him? I think there is no point for me to even go searching for Him, if I don't desire Him in that way... because unless I desire in that way, I will not search for it the way it talks about searching for it in Proverbs. So today I will learn to desire more hungrily for my God!

Advent Day 1

So I don't even know who reads this blog anymore... but for December, I've decided to try and do an entry a day, as my own advent calendar. We'll see how this goes.

So my thoughts on Advent day 1 begins...

Repent. That was what was resounding through my head as I fell asleep... or perhaps, it was Mark Driscoll's voice as I fell asleep listening to his podcast. Not to say that the podcast was bad... but it was 1 in the morning, and I was tired! It was in reality, blunt and right in the face as usual, and I wanted very badly to listen to all of it, but just did not have the energy... plus the podcast goes on for 1 hour and 20 mins!!! Regardless, that was one of the things that I was thinking of as I fell into deep deep slumber...

This morning I read this:
"If you turn at my reproof, behold, I will pour out my spirit to you;
I will make my words known to you." ~ Proverbs 1:23

I think God's thoughts for me this morning was very simple... as the advent season begins, as I begin this countdown towards the celebration of His Son's birth, it must begin with repentence. As I start this journey to meeting Him in a new way this Christmas season, I must repent before I may experience the Spirit in a new way, and gain a new understanding of His Word. Today I will repent.

reset... restart... refill... refresh... here it comes!

The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
2Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
3I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
4Who has ascended to heaven and come down?
Who has gathered the wind in his fists?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is his son’s name?
Surely you know! ~ Proverbs 30:1b-4

This is what I woke up to… not even a joke. I am so tired… and I feel so stupid, or just confused, but God is bigger than that. God’s knowledge and wisdom is bigger and beyond my human understanding. So instead of trying to trust in my own ways, my own understandings, my own knowledge… I just need to trust in God. So I told God that I was sorry for trying to take care of my circumstances on my own strength, for trying to do what should only be done by Him. Then I asked for more faith, more love and more hope so that I may persevere, not in my own strength, but on His strength.

the Proverbs 31 woman...

"Faith in God that sees beyond present bitter setbacks. Freedom from the securities and comforts of the world. Courage to venture into the unknown and the strange. Radical commitment in the relationships appointed by God. This is the woman of Proverbs 31:25 who looks into the future with confidence in God and laughs at the coming troubles: 'Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.'" ~ John Piper



I strive... oh I strive... but alas I still fall so short of becoming her. But I desire... and I know that I have set my eyes on becoming what God wants for me... so He will make it possible. Ladies... it is not hopeless! He will bring the strength it requires to become the woman of God that He calls us to be! Just hang on!

red carpet treatment...

I was having a conversation with someone last weekend, and they made a comment that I really liked. It went something like this... "Sometimes I wish that God would just roll out a red carpet in the direction that He wishes me to go, so that I just need to walk down the carpet."

After I heard that... I said "I know exactly what you mean. Please tell me when that happens!"

Hahaha... oh how I wish that God would just roll out the red carpet for me, so that I don't have to spend all this time wondering if I am going the right way... or walking around directionless looking for a direction to go in... I think it would just make life so much easier in so many ways. Then as I was thinking about this... this verse came to mind:

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." ~ Matthew 7:13-14

It reminds me that although my path seems hard at times... and most of the time it doesn't even make sense to me... I know that it is the path that leads to life. I've told God time and time again that I don't just want to live a status quo life for Him. I've told him that I don't want to live the easy and comfortable life... I said that He could dictate my life as He pleases, and that if He calls, I will follow.

This is my encouragement. When times are tough, I know that they are not in vain. It is an answer to my prayers... He is simply answering my prayer to help me live a life that is pleasing to Him. He is leading me towards a life that is led by His Spirit and not what the world tells me. I said that I would not live by the expectations of the world, but only by the expectations of God... so here I am. Living a life that doesn't quite make sense to any around me... and to be completely honest, there are some days when it doesn't even make much sense to me.

This really encouraged me the other day:

"Having faith means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives makes sense to unbelievers." ~ Francis Chan in Crazy Love

Haha... giving up my bank job in risk management doesn't make sense... not when they were about to give me a permanent job with a pay rise and promotion... or when I was on track to fulfill my dream of getting into a better job within risk management either... Taking up a job as a PA in a Christian non-profit... which some may say I am overqualified to be a PA (Personal Assistant) makes no sense... but I trust that this is God's plan for me. He has brought me to this place at this time for a reason, so I will continue to do my best to be a light to wherever it is that He brings me to.

Just to be completely honest... there are still moments when I wish God would just give me the red carpet treatment, and just roll out the carpet towards the exact place He wishes for me to end up. Hahhaa... but then I guess Jesus didn't arrive on Earth with red carpet treatment either, did He?! Oh.... I have much to learn about humility... ouch.

On Comparison

Asian is the name, and Comparison is the game. I don't know about you, but growing up, this was what life was all about. These were some phrases that I remember hearing the most often from my parents, esp my mom:

"Why can't you be like (fill in names of parents' friends' children)."

"You know your brother did (fill in name of good deed) the other day. Why can't you be more like that?"
And mind you... my brother is younger than me!

"You used to be (fill in name of good trait). What happened to you?"

So if that is how I grew up... always and constantly being compared to other chilren around me, to my brother... and even to my old self, how am I suppose to not expect that I am still always being compared by everyone else in my life. This was obviously true when we're in school and at work. You performance at school is definitely based on how you do in relation with the other students in your class, as well as the other students within your grade. At work, your evalution is based on how well you work with relation to all the other members on your team.

BUT... and now this is a big but... I met God, and God does not say "You know so and so does this. Why can't you be more like them?" This is what my God says:

"Namely, the righteousness of God which comes by believing with personal trust and confident reliance on Jesus Christ (the Messiah). [And it is meant] for all who believe. For there is no distinction, Since all have sinned and are falling short of the honor and glory which God bestows and receives. [All] are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favor and mercy), through the redemption which is [provided] in Christ Jesus," (Romans 3:22-24)

ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. None of us are perfect, and by His Son, we are ALL made righteous. God doesn't sit there and ask me why I'm not more like Jesus. He gives me the Holy Spirit, and beckons me to come closer to Him. As I draw near to God, as I learn more of His heart, His Spirit living in me naturally responds. As that Spirit responds to God's love for me and for His world, the words and actions which result are naturally Jesus-like. As we allow the His Spirit to lead our lives... we will naturally become more Christ-like as Christ Himself also relied on that same Spirit.

God doesn't compare us to other Christians, other non Christians, to Jesus. We must all hold account to our own actions, it's all between us and God. We are saved not by our deeds, but by our faith in Him. I can't do anymore, so that He will love me more. He always pours out His love in abundance for me. He doesn't love someone else more because they serve in more ministries than I do. He doesn't love someone else more because they give more money to the church than I do. Jesus made that very clear in the New Testament that God looks at our hearts and not at our works.

This is something I've known for a long time. I've done the Bible studies... I've heard the sermons... I've given the advice... but maybe this is a fact which has not yet become true in my heart. I have a hard time comtemplating this about God... I'm learning that I don't fully understand or believe in this. Growing up... comparison became competition. When I came to fully understand comparison, the desire of my heart was to compete with everyone else to gain affection from my parents. If I could not rise to the top of "the list" then my parents will not love me. I'm not saying that they do not love me, or are not proud of me... but this is how I came to understand what makes them proud, and what makes them love me.

To dispell this belief that life is a competition... it is hard. It's a deeply rooted tree that will be very hard to cut down. It's a belief that runs deep into the core of who I am, but I know that God is trying to cut down this tree. He wants me to understand that He does not measure my worth based on what I do and how much I do. He love for me is unconditional... nothing changes it. Nothing increases it, and nothing decreases it. I don't always be perfect, because God already knows that I will never be perfect. If I misbehave, He will not throw me out of the house as a punishment, He will not yell at me in His anger and frustration, He will not ignore me because He is angry at me. He may gently scold me, He may rebuke me, but He will never do these things in anger or frustration.

I'll be honest... this love is hard for me to understand. I've only know rebuke and punishment in anger and frustration. I'm not saying my parents are bad parents... but that is all I know from them growing up. The asian way is to "encourage" their kids to excel or do better by provoking the competitive nature within them. Yet, this is not true in God terms... we are ALL the SAME. There is no competition... there is no comparison. He loves us all the same... the same amount... in the same way. He sees us as all the same... God doesn't use competition to push us to be better people, He uses love, He leads by example. To God... it's all about love. "Love covers over a multitude of sins."

This will be a hard lesson... but it shall be a good one. :)

remember to take the time to smell the daisies!

flowers: someone mentioned "take time to smell the roses" the other morning. So I took the idea and ran with it...

This is what resulted: buying flowers for all the ladies in the office.

The response: A lot of why's and where did the flowers come from? Which was accompanied by smiles all around. :) Hahaha... Why? Because I wanted to. Where did they come from? I bought them!

I didn't do it for gratitude, or even the smiles on the their faces... while a little bit for that. I did it mainly because I've come to realize, young or old, ladies love flowers. Well... maybe not... but I like to think that flowers brighten up our days... and it entices something in our hearts as women. There is a sense of appreciation that lights up in the heart when women receives flowers... there is a sense that they've been thought about... I don't quite know how to explain it, but that's why I did it. To let each of the ladies in the office know that they've been thought of and are appreciated for who they are and what they do. Ultimately my goal is that they will know that their Father in heaven loves them, and is thinking of them and appreciates and loves them for who they are and delights in all that they do!

My job is really simply to be obedient and do as God asks. The rest... the spiritual part... that I leave in God's hands.

what's next has arrived...

hmmm... so it's been a very crazy 2 weeks :P

So, those of you who were at 180 about 2 weeks ago, would've heard me share about my situation. (For those who missed it... you'll definitely have to download the podcast of Lance!) Anyways... so during ministry time, I just really felt God prompting me to go grab the mic and share. To tell them that sometimes God asks you to give up things without giving anything in return, and you're simply left waiting on Him. There is no certainty of what will come next, or even when that will come... but even in that it is good, it just takes an extra measure to faith to believe that He has an amazing plan, and that it WILL come to pass. Then to explain, that was exactly where I was.

If you haven't talked to me in awhile, or been following my blog, God asked me to give up my job at the end of last year. Long story short, He asked me to give up my job and to follow my heart... which ultimately means to follow Him. At the time, I felt the desire to go back to school and do a degree in Social Work (I still have that desire!). It didn't matter that when I quit in January, I would not have an acceptance into school yet, I just knew that regardless of whether I got in or not God had something better than HSBC for me. So I took that plunge and quit my job. So began my period of waiting on God.

My last post was about how I didn't get in, and that was basically what I shared at 180. I followed God... and then I didn't get into school and I had no idea what I would be doing now. After my sharing, someone basically came over and offered me an employment opportunity. I prayed about it... tried for it, and now I will be starting work on Monday! (If you want to know the full story, just ask! It's more fun to share that way!)

God has blown my mind once again... and I am left speechless in awe of Him... He is soo soo good! I am a little nervous about working again... because unemployment has been really really nice... but I'm also excited for what God will be showing me at my new job! :)

sidenote: 2 more weeks to New York!!!

So the answer was no...

Hmm... so I guess it's about time I sent out the latest update. The irony of it is that right after my last post, where I decided I was gonna "name it and claim it" I got the email from HKU rejecting my application. So... I didn't get in.

So how am I feeling? Confused, disappointed, maybe a tinge of anger, but mainly just more confusion. I wasn't kidding when I said that I had no plan B... because I trusted that this was what God had in store for me. I still trust that God has an even better plan A for me than me going back to school. :)

What now? Don't ask... because I honestly don't know. Waiting on God for the next step of action. At the moment I will continue to pray and seek Him... at the same time... prepare for New York... in less than one month! EEK!!!

Gonna hang on to God's promises over my life... because they are amazing... and they're gonna blow my mind! Plus... it's like the best way to live life... well... it definitely keeps me on the edge of my seat. hahaha... it's not the easiest... because the always not knowing and waiting gets to me sometimes, but the end result has always been better than I could have planned for myself!

So that's that... my quick update for now. :)

a lesson in prayer from my Father in heaven

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." ~ Mark 11:24

These have been the recurring words from my quiet time in the past week. So I'm going to start praying with the belief that He is going to open up that spot for me at HKU.

This is an area of prayer that I've really been struggling with in the last while. For the longest time I've been feeling that I can't just ask God to open up that spot and see Him come through, because that would limit God. I'm not giving Him the room to do what He will in my life. It's like what if God doesn't open that spot and things don't work out? But this past week, I've been wondering if that means I am doubting what God has called me to do. Before I quit my job, I distinctly felt that God was calling me to a time of equipping and that He was calling me away from the financial industry and into the area of social work. Therefore, by not praying specifically into what God has called me to do... do I not believe that this has been His calling over my life?

Someone had given me this verse a couple of months ago: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a doubleminded man, unstable in all his ways." (James 1:6-8) I don't want to be like that man... I'm going to start asking in faith and with no doubting. I know what I heard many many months ago, and I'm not about to let uncertainty steer me away from what God has called me to do. I'm not going to let the enemy continue sowing his seeds of doubt into my heart.

Today I start anew, today I start fresh... I'm getting on my knees and praying in expectation that on September 1st, I will be starting school. There may be more crying... and more humbling to be done by God, but He is a good God, and I trust that He will make me ready for September... whatever that may mean. Should be another interesting couple of months!

missions... i love!

I'm trying to get my practicing done for Vine Band touring, but I need to get all this processed first, so here we go. 2 blog entries in 2 days! Woohoo! :)

You know it's funny... 4 years ago, I was trying to go to China to work in an orphanage of disabled kids, and it fell through. Now, 4 years later, I get to go to 2 different sites to work with 2 different groups of disabled kids! I ended up at a Children's Home in the Philippines. Looking back, I probably wasn't quite ready to go to China to work with abandoned children.

So from Mar26-28 I got to go to Langfeng, and then Apr1-6 I was in Hengyang. One was a foster home with 20 some physically disabled kids, and the second was a ministry ran inside a government run Welfare center. In the latter, we got to work with 135 physically and mentally disabled kids. Both were amazing.

One thing that kept resounding in my head was Mother's love. That's something I don't talk about... and haven't touched on in a very long time. God reminded me of my very own abandoned child and through each baby held, each coo heard, each finger pull, each smile received... God restored them into my heart. He taught me to love these kids and babies, and through it He taught me how much He loves me. Through teaching me to love these abandoned kids, I saw God's love for my own. There is no need for me to be sad, or feel like I've missed out because God is love, and my child rests in God's perfect love.

God has given me a Mother's heart, and I know that is from Him and He as well has the heart of a Mother. We always talk about the Father heart of God, but God is both a Mother and a Father to us. As the babies in the room cried, or with every tug on my shirt or arm... I got a glimpse of the Mother's heart of God. The tender side of wanting to scoop us up and hold us until we stop crying, or to just listen to the stories that must be shared, or simply just to give the hug or cuddle that is wanted. I wish my arms were big enough to hold them all in my arms, but they are not, and I had to hold them one at a time.

One of the things that touched my heart the most was walking with a child who's just learning how to walk. Just holding her arms and steadying her as she walks up and down the corridors and around the room. As her and I walked, God spoke. He told me that's how it is when He's trying to teach me something new... and as I try to learn to walk in the new things on my own, He's holding me and keeping me steady. He's ready to catch me when I get tired and just want to plop myself down right then and there, whether it be to catch my fall or to hold me up and get me to keep going. Through out the whole process though, He doesn't let go... and His grip is strong, no matter how hard we pull or try to let go... He hangs onto us. :)

I thought I had missed out, but I know that I haven't at all. God gave me a very special glimpse into His heart for me and for my child. Through each child I met during those 2 weekends, I got back a piece of my own... and it restores my heart and gives me a peace that I just don't quite know how to explain or describe. God is good!

Do you know that it is really hard to sulk at God, and be angry at Him? That's what I wanted to do today... just sit and be angry with God, and it is not working out so well.

The school front is looking rather bleak... CUHK has outright declined my application. HKU has given me no offer or a spot on the waiting list. She did say that there would be another 2 rounds of offers still... and that my chances aren't exactly zero. She was waaaay nicer than the lady at CUHK and waaaaay more encouraging! I've been trying to complain to God, and demand answers from Him... but it hasn't been working so well.

First of all... we had this conversation on the weekend already. I already told God yes or no from HKU I will still love Him, and trust in him. He asked me time and time again on the weekend "Do you trust me?" I told him I do... so I will continue to trust. God's track record in my life is 100%.... he has NEVER failed me, and He will NEVER fail me. Therefore, I will trust.

Second of all, he reminded me of something. When I was having doubts about leaving HSBC, he gave me this scripture "But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it." ~ 2 Timothy 3:14 He reminded me of that night... and the reassurance He gave me, and the peace that accompanied that reassurance.

I'll be honest, it hasn't been easy. I'm not tired... my eyes are puffy because of the crying. I'm leaning on my God to carry me through this, because there is no backup plan. School or no school, God's plan is my plan... and that's all that matters to me. I know that God has a plan for me... and I know that it's gonna be crazy, so I will keep going like He has asked me to do.

On top of loving me... God gave me something really precious on the Hengyang missions trip, so with that I will keep going. (Will share on that in a later blog!) I know that it is a good God who loves me, and that He will neither leave me nor forsake me. He will carry me when I am weary and unable to walk. So... once again being angry at God fail... learning more about how much God loves me and how much He just wants me to let go and trust in Him... definitely win-win!

after 1 month...

So, one month of unemployment has ended. All supporting documents have been submitted, and in 2 weeks time, I have my interview with HKU. Prayers much appreciated.

Anyways, in the past 2 weeks, I've encountered the word "steadfast" numerous times, most often in the context of the "steadfast love" of God. It got me thinking about what is the exact definition of steadfast, so as always, I check one of my favourite reference sites... dictionary.com. According to dictionary.com steadfast means:
1. fixed in direction
2. firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc
3. unwavering

This got me thinking, God's love is directly fixed on me, with the sole purpose of loving me, and it is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Nothing I do or do not do can change this fact about God's love for me. When it comes down to it... it's a concept of God's love that is rather hard to fathom... because we ourselves as humans are unable to love unconditionally to the same extent that God is able. I'm learning to see that at different stages of our lives, we gain a new understanding of God's love for us. Yet even through these different stages of life, by the time we leave this world to be with Him in heaven... we would still not have grasped the extent of His love for us. It is not until we leave this world to join him in heaven, that we will be given the full revelation of His love for us.

That's pretty crazy...

update for the masses...

ok... so I thought I would put up an update before the month of january ended.

So... as of tomorrow, I am no longer an employee of HSBC. A couple months ago, while I was in the midst of looking to switch teams at work... and then thinking about whether to take the permanent contract that they have offered me for my current team... God asked for my job. Well... he didn't directly ask me for my job, but He got right up in my face that night and asked me what I was doing. He had given me a calling, a direction, and I was about to forget all about it in a pursuit for a better position and more money.

This past month I've been working on applications to go back to school... to pursue a career in Social Work. Completely unrelated to math... I know! Yet, I am at peace knowing that this is a step that God is calling me to take... whether I'm actually suppose to go back to school or not... I'll know when I get my acceptance, or lack there of. I trust that God is calling me to follow him by leaving HSBC, so I am at peace knowing that He is in control, and He taking me to exactly where he wants me to be.

At the moment, online applications have been sent, references requested... and I just need to mail in my supporting documents. Then the waiting game begins. :)

3... 11... 23... and 40

3 more days left to 2009
11 days until Pyoo gets back to HK.. :P
23 days left of work at HSBC
40 more days until I get on a plane for New York...

seems like everyone around me has been counting down to things... so I've started my own stash of counting down... :P

a much needed update...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

So in the past little while, God has really made this verse come to life. He has shown me what it means to live out this verse... in the area of relationships.... or to be more specific in a boy. :P

Let's back track. So growing up in church, having read most of the popular "Christian dating literature"... I was taught early on that I needed to have "a list." I was taught that in order to keep from compromising or worse yet.. "settling" I needed to determine early on all the characteristics that should be desired in my future husband. So like most girls, I too had a list. A couple of years ago... well.. in the aftermath of my last serious relationship, I pulled out the list and riped it up. I don't remember what induced me to do that... but I remember that moment very distinctly. I pulled out the list, riped it to shreads, and told God I'm tired of handing him a check list and praying for a check list. I basically told God that since He knows me best, then He will know and understand exactly what it is that I need, and I'm gonna stop telling Him how to do his job. So that night, I handed the daunting task of finding "the one" into God's hands. I don't think I had any idea what I had just gotten myself into with God...

Now, I don't want to paint a flowery picture of how everything works out just because you hand over this area of your life to God. That is not how life works. I struggled just like every normal girl in the limbo of wanting to give God complete control and wanting to take things into my own hands. I still made mistakes, and I still made poor choices. I still gave away parts of my heart that I probably shouldn't have, crossed boundaries that I shouldn't have... struggled with finding my identity in Christ as opposed to finding it in a significant other. If anything, letting God have complete control, the struggles of insecurity and loneliness only seemed to increase.

So in the past little while, while I have been trying to lay everything down before God, learning to find God in EVERYTHING, learning to praise God in the good and the bad... and learning that He IS everything and that He is IN everything as well; God has been orchestrating a story that has completely blown me outta the water. I've been given full permission to blog about this from Paul (and shall be known as Pyoo from henceforth), so I shall.

So Pyoo (whom I affectionately has described as "self proclaimed best friend" to those at home) and I found ourselves in a place where we needed to DTR (define the relationship). Well, after a rollar coaster ride of emotions and confusion after a certain event which I have kindly named "Pyoo's dropping of the A-bomb"... we had a talk. During the talk we acknowledged that there seemed to be a little bit more than just friendship brewing, but we wanted to have God's full blessings before proceeding with anything. We saw that God had really placed similar burdens/passions on our hearts, and callings which were also very similar. One thing that really stuck out to me that night was that we really felt that God was calling us to travel the road less travelled.... but we weren't sure if that meant we were gonna travel that road together. So began the journey to praying for God's confirmation that this relationship was part of His plan, and that He was gonna bring us together in marriage.

For me, God had already given me my Bible passage of confirmation. So in the past month, I simply watched that passage come to life in Pyoo, and in our friendship. (2 Corinthians 1:20-21) Along with more passages and confirmations from God, He really gave me peace in my heart. In this time... in many many funny ways from God that probably only I would understand, I got my answer. I also learned that we girls really do have it easy. :) With God's peace, I was okay with waiting for the most part... I had my impatient moments... :P I wasn't really allowed to say anything about what God had spoken or revealed... and had to wait silently for Pyoo to hear from God. So on Halloween, God spoke... and so begins the next phase of this journey together, with full confidence that this journey leads to marriage... but more importantly an eternity in heaven with God. In the mean time, while on earth, we've been given the honour of walking this journey together... and that's pretty exciting!

I could have never ended up here on my own... and we could never have ended up here on our own without God. It was God who orchestrated every single part of this friendship and now relationship... and it was definitely Him who brought us together. Hahahaha... let's just say that if God hadn't intervened, I'd still be trying to run away from Pyoo.... :P

And God said yes...

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." ~2 Corinthians 1:20-22

The road of obedience is hard... but I've tasted and seen "what is to come" and I want to see more! Since the only way to see more, is to take this next step in obedience, I WILL do it. I know it will be possible because I will not be going alone, nor will I have to act in my own strength. Let's be honest, I ain't got no strength... it's all God. ALL GOD!

taking new steps forward...

so begins another month... august. I can't believe that July has already come and gone... I have already returned to Edmonton and come back to Hong Kong. What a trip!

Before I left, I think God had already started to change me. Before I left I wrote the following:

"I don't like where I am right now... so by the process of elimination, that only leaves me with once choice. I MUST keep going forward. Regardless of how scared I am, or how unwilling I am at times... it is the only choice that makes sense. It is the only path that is lit up... the only path has teeming with life and hope."

That is what I have been trying to do. To go forward with my life... which all started even before I left for Edmonton. In the last several weeks, I have been learning to step out in obedience, learning to follow God's still small voice, learning to sort out my own thoughts from the pulling of the Holy Spirit. The result? A joy and peace that can only come from God. An outcome that screams that the hand of God is over my life!

While in Edmonton, God allowed and created the platform for reconciliation. He allowed for me to complete the process of healing He has started in Hong Kong. It is now finished, the wall of anger, bitterness and hatred has been broken down. In it's ruins sprouts new life, new hope, and new friendship.

Back in Hong Kong, I've decided to apply the same principle to work. I'm so tired of where I am... so I took the plunge. Gonna give something else a try and see what happens. I've told some of you of certain openings elsewhere that I have been approached to think about. So I thought it about it this week.. as in I really thought about it. I've decided... why not. What's holding me back?!

Basically, the one thing that I have been learning is this: the smaller I become, the stronger I feel. The more I lay myself down, the more confidence I gain in God's hand over my life. I like to make excuses to get myself out of doing things I don't like... one of those things is stepping forward. I get myself into places or situations that I don't really like, but make up excuses for why I don't get myself out of them. Really, it was just out a fear of the unknown. Yet, as I stop making these excuses and stepping out, I am learning that there is nothing to fear when God is in control.

A time of change is coming in my life, I feel it, and I'm sooooo excited for what is coming. I have no clue as to what it will look like, but I'm very certain that it's gonna be beyond my wildest imagination anyways! So forget giving God the steering wheel, I'm abandoning ship altogether and jumping into God's ship instead.

the learning continues...

I think I'm learning that just because I've told THE story doesn't mean that I get to shut myself up and become a hermit... even though that is what I really want to do. I'm learning that just because I've shared doesn't mean that it's never going to haunt me ever again. I'm learning that just because God's used my story to encourage others doesn't mean that I don't need others to come along side me and encourage me in return.
Sharing what I thought was my deepest darkest secret has left me feeling rather naked and vulnerable. Except there are 3 things I can do from here... I can turn around and go back to where I came... which is in hiding with my shame and condemnation. I can stay where I am, scared outta my mind and feeling lost, or lastly, I can suck it all up, take God's hand and keep walking towards the promises He has spoken over my life.
I refuse to go back to that prison of lies. I don't like where I am right now... so by the process of elimination, that only leaves me with once choice. I MUST keep going forward. Regardless of how scared I am, or how unwilling I am at times... it is the only choice that makes sense. It is the only path that is lit up... the only path has teeming with life and hope.
The irony of it all at the moment, is the fact that I will be returning to Edmonton next week for a visit. I will be returning to the place where most of my pain and disappointment lie. To be honest (sorry to everyone at home..) but a place... where at this moment in my life, I really don't want to be in. HK is freedom, Edmonton is prison... but I know that I must go. I also know that I must go joyfully with God as my strength. He will go before me, He will go with me, and He will continue to be there after I leave.
I will not go back with my head low, but I will walk into that place with my head held high, my heart on my sleeve and the Spirit of God in me. I will not let my past dictate who I am, and I will not be a prisoner to my past. I'm not that person anymore, God's made sure of that. I will cling to my identity in Christ... and that alone is who I am. What God has given me, no one can take away!

The trap...

Lately, I've been feeling like a fly caught on fly paper. Alive... but stuck.

I knew that after sharing that God's work was not done. I knew that God still had more in store for me... and I also knew that my opening that door that my past was gonna come knocking. Yet, as the past comes knocking I find myself getting caught up in it. I'm starting to feel the weight of it once again... I don't like it, but I'm too proud to admit that I'm struggling.

I've fallen back into the trap... of lies from my past. I know I'm being pity... but maybe I need to throw this tantrum at God first. Maybe I need to tell Him how I really feel about all of this. Well... it sucks, and I don't think it's fair!

My head knowledge struggles with this.... because I KNOW God's ways are higher than my ways. I already know that HIS timing is better than my timing. I don't need the head knowledge, and the quoted Bible scriptures... thanks but no thanks. My head's already full of that... but the head knowledge is not helping the pain that is in my heart.

I am alive... because God already gave me a new heart... I just need to get rid of this fly paper which is pulling me down.. and pulling me back from all the promises God has for me.