Monday Musings...

"Your grace is enough." Everything that has happened in my life is a testimony of how God's grace is enough for me. It is all that I need, it is what sustains me. It is what has released me from my prison of lies... from all of my bondage. It is this grace that has restored joy in my heart. It was all by God's grace that I am where I am right now. I would never have been able to get to this place. I would not have this place at all. I would still be bonded, so angry, depressed, butter, no hope, no faith. I would probably still hate myself. ~ July 25, 2009

I found this as I was reading through old journals. I remember this day well, I was on the plane coming back to Hong Kong after having gone for a friend's wedding. When I left Hong Kong, there had been some drama in my life and I was sitting on the plane praying and journaling about letting go of all that into God's hands and getting ready to start afresh. 

That season of my life has been haunting me alot recently. I have had many strange dreams and nightmares. So today, I decided to do some digging back into that time in my life. What I found was not what I had expected. I actually don't even know what I was looking for... maybe just a nice walk down memory lane. Except that wasn't what I found because it wasn't a nice walk down memory lane. It was a blatant slap in my face. 

Considering it's also been 3 years since my last blog post... things of course have changed a lot in my life. I got married, had a baby... and now that baby turns 2 in a few days. I started and finished a job as a school counselor AND started a new project manager role with a new NGO. Still that only accounts for my possible lack of blogging and does not account for what I found through some old emails and journals. 

What I found was that I had changed... and not for the better. I had backtracked so far... it's a disgrace. I am so far from where I was that everything on this blog seems to have been written by someone else entirely! How ridiculous is that?! I am at a loss of words at myself... so I guess this blogpost serves as one of many steps I am taking to not "fix" myself but to 1) rediscover Christ and what that means personally and 2) to rediscover myself... and the things that used to make me who I was and how that all fits into who I am now as a wife, mother and worker. 

If anyone still follows this and reads this... prayers are much appreciated! 

Hump Day Happenings...

Well... technically this happened yesterday, but oh well. 

Last night one of my bridesmaid and I went to the Island ECC clothing sale . They're raising funds for a new church building, and I still need a wedding dress (kind of). Plus, I had heard some good things about their last sale, so I decided to go with her and check things out. I did not expect to find our own Christian version of Bride Wars there... other than the dress that we might potentially get... that was probably the best part of the evening! Not including the dinner with said bridesmaid and her husband. 

So we arrived, and we looked around at their wedding dress collection. Most of the stuff were pretty over the top for me, but we found a simple, kinda vintage looking gown. We thought that wasn't a bad find for HKD$700! So hunt over, right? NO! Haha... in our snooping around, my bridesmaid found this other dress lying on the side, on top of some boxes. The dress was just the right combination of things I had been looking for in the wedding dress hunt! We quickly made further inquiries to whether we can take that dress instead. The dress was actually sitting there waiting for this other girl to make up her mind about it. 

We... by we I mean my bridesmaid went to talk to her and see if she would just not take the dress. I think our interest pushed her further towards keeping the dress. DANG!! My friend told sob stories of how I worked in ministry and my husband to be was a missionary and we were on a tight wedding budget (which aren't lies)... and mostly true. Somehow in there, she also expressed that she was only buying the dress to support her church and she would probably only wear it for pre-wedding photos... SAY WHAT?! Give me the dress, I'll actually wear it for the wedding! She was very nice though, she did let me try it on, actually she asked if she could try the one I had picked as well. 

While in the change room, we engaged in half-dressed awkward small talk. Actually the volunteer helping with the sale was very good in helping to keep things light and calm! Props to her! The other bride was also getting married in November... on the 26th... same day as our India reception! Haha... if I only take the dress for our India reception, we would potentially need the dress on the same day! Goodness gracious... talk about bride wars! 

In the end, she said she would buy the dress. *Heart sinking* Bridesmaid to the rescue! She kept pushing me to ask if I can have it after she's done, if she's only using it for photos. Awkward talking, small talk... she said that's not a problem. She pretty much said she's 100% certain I can have the dress once she's finished with her pre-wedding photos. We exchanged numbers and saved each other by name and tag "insert church name - wedding gown"... hahaha perhaps we are very similar. In a parallel universe we could be friends. Anyways... bride wars finished. We still bought the other dress, just in case she falls through, although we tried to do it subtlety without making it look like we didn't trust her. We had to wait a long time... she was sitting there for at least another 30-40 mins. Our guess was that she's still thinking about if she really wants that dress. In the end, after we thought she had left, we walked directly into her and had to make eye contact as we made our way out. LOL 

If I get the dress, great! If I don't that's okay too. I still got a good story out of it! So far... best moment of wedding preparation! Seriously though... this whole wedding preparation has been one tough lesson on learning to wait on God to provide, which He always does. Something the husband-to-be understands and lives out way better than me. Probably a good reason why he's the one standing beside me, because without him, I'd probably keep making rash decisions with our wedding planning based on what my circumstances around say I need... and not on what God says I need and will provide. Marriage is going to be very interesting ahead! 

Hump day Happenings...

Wow... I managed to let 2015 slip by without any posts... time to get back to writing.

For the past little while, I have been thinking about something... something to do with breaking up. Yes, it is true that in the midst of wedding planning and getting ready for marriage, I am still blogging about this. All I can say is that as we grow, we mature and as part of that maturing process, I reflect on past experiences. Enough justification of myself, onwards to what I have been thinking about. 

I have been thinking about posts that can only be correctly represented by pictures as seen below:

Ok... I totally understand that breakups hurt and they really suck, but is there really a need to destroy someone else? I know that some relationships really are not good for us in the first place and that there are people in abusive relationships where breaking up is much better for them than hanging on. Right now, I am not talking about those types of relationships. I am talking about those relationships where you both really did try, you both really did love and invest all of yourselves into it but still in the end one or both of you decided that this just was not the relationship for you and pulled the plug on the whole thing. 

Yes, I fully understand the need to be angry and feel all your feelings post break-up. We all have to mourn and grieve in our own ways, but can I just say that social media is not the place to vent and release those pent up emotions. Go cry it out with your closest friends, have a drink, punch a wall but for goodness sakes do NOT post all of those feelings on social media! I speak from experience and not just throwing random thoughts out there. 

Whenever I broke up with an ex-boyfriend, I totally wanted to post random hate messages on Facebook or blog, but what would that accomplish? Satisfaction at the sympathy of others? But at what cost? Sure, they might have left me in a mess of emotions I seemed unable to cope with but that doesn't make them a monster. I will not deny that to my closest girlfriends I spat out words about them that were not the kindest, but that was part of the grieving process and done privately. I don't believe heartache is a ticket for verbally abusing someone. God says so clearly in the Luke 6:27-29

27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.

It's not easy to do... but I think it's good to keep this in mind. Especially when we are dealing with breakups in the church. God calls us to love enemies... hard words to live by. I really think that this is something we do not talk about enough. Not all relationships in the church work out and lead to marriage, sometimes relationships don't work out and you end up with two disappointed and hurt people... how can we encourage them to move on in a healthy way?

What I am trying to say is that, I do not think it is wise or loving to publicly declare you're ex as public enemy number 1 on social media to accumulate "likes" to make yourself feel like everyone is on your side. On the flip side, I also do not think that the announcement of having "gotten over someone" needs to be publicly declared. Maybe if you're still in high school these are completely acceptable behaviours... 

Anyways, in the end I still stand on what I've posted before in part one and also again in part two. I believe in breakups, as Christians our duty is still to act in love, and therefore forgiveness is a must no matter how hard. In the end, like I have said before, the only person who is stuck when you're holding a grudge is yourself, because no one holds that but you. 

How can 2015 be here already??

So.. begins 2015... and another birthday has passed.... and that means time for my yearly recap! 

How does one sum up the year 2014? Perhaps let's start with the easy stuff... 2014 I got to visit some new places: Mongolia and Jeju Island. Went back to Edmonton (Calgary and Vancouver inclusive) for 3 and a half weeks... put 1000+km on the rental just from driving up and down HWY 2... haha... all in all a good year of travels. 

GRADUATION happened... finally! At the end of April, I wrote my last final exam and handed in my last group paper ever. By August I received all my papers and could submit everything to become a registered social worker in Hong Kong! The promise of God has finally come to pass... I AM a registered social worker!! I am not equipped... November was the end of this graduation season with the actual convocation ceremony! 

2014 marked the end of 2 years at ICM... marking the end of a contract term... and so began the musings over what would be next. Taking a trip home meant musings of moving back to Canada for some better social work experience that would be more useful than what I felt I received here in Hong Kong over the 800 hours of practicum... Couple that with the fun times to be had with good friends... very very tempting. 

But... as 2014 ends, circumstances change... new contract signed... I shall be staying at ICM and in Hong Kong for the time being. 2014 ended surrounded by some of the people who have really walked through the highs and lows with me this past year... who pushed or at times carried me when I was so tired and didn't want to move on. I guess as 2014 I am infinitely grateful for the people that God has brought into my life this past year... and looking forward to building these friendships.  

I have no idea what lies ahead as I go into 2015... and another year older... but I think God has something up his sleeve and as always I expect nothing but the very best from Him. My prayer for this year is that God will reveal a glimpse of the plans and purposes that He has for me... 

I think this picture is a great representation of 2014... the past several days was raining and gloomy... but then it became a beautiful day. 2014 was not the easiest of years... and ridiculously gloomy at times but as it ended... it turned out to be a pretty good year. 

Monday Musings...

Wow... I don't think I have posted all summer... how bad am I at this??

So I spent most of September in Canada... living off a blow up mattress in Vron's living room. It was absolutely amazing because it was exactly what I needed. To get out of Hong Kong where I find myself constantly wound up like a rubber band gun... ready to shoot when the trigger is released... Anyways, can share more about that later. 

This past Saturday was my first day back at work... and first full day of being back at our newly renovated centre! Praise Jesus! The place looks absolutely fantastic! I was jetlagged... I was under prepared... but it felt right to be back. Near the end of Kids Club, some of the youth girls walked in along with a younger sibling in tow. The younger sibling is a little girl who I've had the honour of getting closer to over my past (almost) 2 years here at this job. She's the sweetest girl ever. She comes in, I say hi and she dumps this piece of clear plastic into my hand and we exchange the below lines:

little girl: It's for you.
me: What is it?
little girl: It's a diamond!
me: Aww... it's even yellow, my favourite colour. Thanks.

To be honest, it looks like those plastic rocks you put at the bottom of a fish tank. It also wouldn't be the first time that one of my kids walks in and hands me garbage with the description of it being a gift for me. Yet, at that moment I felt like a queen. Sure it wasn't a real yellow diamond, but this little girl deemed me worthy of receiving a diamond! 

Despite the silliness of all this, it reminded me of this post. Of the time when God revealed to me what it meant to be a diamond for God. In the midst of all this diamond talk due to weddings and engagements happening all around me... and in the midst of my self-pity sessions wondering why no one deems me worthy of being picked... or deserving of a diamond ring on a finger, God reminds me of His love for me. Some days are harder than others and I think God just wanted to gently nudge me and remind me that putting Him first is NEVER a bad choice. 

So that's my Monday musings over plastic yellow rocks. Hope you all have an awesome week ahead! 

Monday Musings...

I had one of those weekends this past weekends. One of those weekends where you're anxious and there's no right or wrong answer to how you should deal with it. The dilemma of your ex visiting with their spouse. The idea of seeing them was nerve wrecking, what does one do in that situation? It's not that I haven't been in that situation before, and the last time I had to deal with it, God allowed it to unfold in a way beyond my own imagination. Therefore, this weekend must be one of those situations when Jesus looks at me and says "Oh ye of little faith." 

Anyways, this past weekend I had many different encounters. Some encouraging while others infuriating. So I'm gonna borrow a little inspiration from Relevant Magazine. They love doing these "What not to say to a friend ." So I'm gonna do a little what NOT to say to a friend in awkward situations with an ex. It's all in good fun, hope it amuses but encourages at the same time. 

1. Do not assume that your friend is still hung up over that person.
I lost count as to the number of people who told me they were praying for my healing this past weekend. The whole idea of running into an ex and their spouse is anxious enough without everyone hoping that you'll find healing eventually, one day... -__-" In that one well meaning line, you have disregarded all that your friend has gone through in the past x amount of time since the end of the relationship. It's simply an awkward situation and anxiety, in my honest opinion is expected. No matter how over someone you are, it's just mad awkward. Let's remember the feelings of nervousness doesn't stem from still being hung up over the ex. I'm sure memories of old feelings will come up... cause they probably cared deeply for each other, but no need to read too much into the uneasiness that might arise from these memories. 

2. This is not the time to defend your own friendship with the ex.
It's all very well that you may have continued in your friendship with this person, but this isn't the time to defend that friendship. Your friend, on most days don't care that you're still friends with their ex. Be sensitive, an event like this is bound to bring up unpleasant memories that have become dormant and likely unpleasant emotions to go along. As well, all that you liked about their ex as your friend, they probably appreciated it or had an even much more intimate knowledge of those characteristics... that's likely why they were in a romantic relationship in the first place. They know the good and bad... but while you've been able to enjoy the continuance of that friendship with that wonderful person, they have had to sever ties and move on for the health of each other. In most cases, it wasn't just a broken relationship, but the lost of a good friend as well, respect that. 

3. Don't just "check in" via text.
This might be a personal one... but with the increase of ease in communication over social media and with smartphones, a text is so impersonal... I know schedules are busy, and I'm just as guilty of this one myself. Honestly though, there is a huge difference between checking in via text and a phone call. Even bigger... to make that time commitment and spend time with your friend. We constantly forget the importance of human interactions... 10 mins having a short chat with a friend face to face is so much more effective than an hour chat over text. I'm guilty too, and trying to make more effort to call people rather than text, to hangout rather than just text chat. Make an effort to spend time with them, do something fun with them to help them relax and ease their nerves. The more you check-in, the more they'll start thinking that they need to have a crazy break-down. 

This is not an easy situation, but we are probably giving ourselves hard enough of a time. Really, there's no right or wrong. We are bound to make mistakes, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing on both sides. That's the fun of friendship right? We learn together, and at the end of the day, the grace of God covers over us and allows that we continue to love one another. 

Now to break things up, have a laugh.... BEING THIRD WHEEL... story of my life! hahaha :P

Monday Musings...

You know it occurred to me the other day that it has been 9 years since I found myself in the pit that I never thought I'd be able to climb out from. 9 years since I said good-bye to what I was talking about back in this post from 2005. In previous years, I always remember but in the past 2 years I've been so busy in the month of May that it'd just pass by without me even realising it. Perhaps that's what people mean when they say that wounds heal over time.

We sang this song sometime ago - Anchor by Hillsong.

The words are so hard to sing... but yet I know they're true. The words in the bridge are

Your name is higher

Your name is greater

All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing

Your promise unshaken

All my hope is in You

For me, I feel like it takes all the faith I have within me to sing out these words. To stand and proclaim that ALL my hope is in Christ and that His word never failed and His promise will always stand. To say that Christ is the anchor of my soul, the one thing that I can hang onto when all starts to fall apart or away. I know it's true, but right now I'm just having such a hard time living out those words. To live out my life with Christ as my anchor, to live as if no matter what blows my way everything will be okay because all my hope is in God who will never fail me.

But... when I look back on my life. When I look at who I was 9 years ago and who I am today I know that Christ has definitely been the anchor for my soul. If I hadn't been anchored in Him, I would never have made it. I wouldn't be able to be where I am today. I know it is only in my belief that God will never fail me that I was ever able to take steps out in faith. So as I wrestle with God in this season of doubt, or faith crisis or whatever it is I feel like I am wrestling through... I know that I need to hang on to God for dear life because that is the ONE thing that will never let me down. (Even when it doesn't feel like it.... and believe me, it don't feel like it lately.) 

A little bit of God... inspired by Furious6...

So I was watching Furious 6 (aka Fast & Furious 6) on Sunday. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love the F&F franchise, with the exception of 2Fast 2Furious, and the 4th one because I can't for the life of me remember what happened in that movie. Anyways, I was indulging my love of the F&F franchise on Sunday. 

So, one of the scenes that stuck out to me in the movie was the scene where Letty and Dom just finished racing and they pull into some random deserted lot (in the middle of London?!). She still has no recollection who he is, but he slowly describes her scars to her. Describing for her not only the stories behind each scar but revealing how much he understood of her character. Just watch the movie if you want to know what I'm talking about. 

After this, it was about time to get ready for church. I got ready and headed to church for the usual 4pm service at The Vine. This is what God said to me during service: 

You know who knows every scar you have and the story behind each scar? It is I, Jesus. I not only know the story behind every scar, I know each emotion you felt in the situation, more than that, I felt it with you. But you know what's even more amazing? (He showed me my heart.) You see each scar on your heart, I know each and everyone one of those scars. I know and have felt every single heart break with you. Small or big, I know and understand each and every single stab at your heart that you have felt. I know my daughter. Yet I don't just know, I'm here to heal them, to mend them, and to refill your heart, and restore your heart anew. 

Jesus, as usual, had caught me off guard. It wasn't what I was expecting on Sunday but also exactly what I needed to hear from Him. It's been awhile since I've allowed myself to be transparent before Jesus... good step. Small step, but a step in the right direction nonetheless. *sigh*  

burning... burning... burning... OUT

Burnout, according to wikipedia is "long term exhaustion and diminished interest in work."

Spent 3 days at Justice Conference Asia, but also balancing work on the side. Thursday was there all day for NGO day (practitioner day) and then the Rend Collective concert followed by the opening session with Shane Claiborne. Friday started with me teaching at work about "look for confirmation" in our series of "how to know God's will." Then did some urgent work before rushing back over to the conference where the I got to spend the rest of the day. Saturday started at conference, back to work for Kids Club... then back to conference. To cap off the weekend with playing at the morning services... I know this is nothing compared to the countless hours staff and volunteers of my church poured into making Justice Conference happen... but let's just say I happily fell into bed Sunday night and didn't wake up until quite late on Monday morning. 

I could go into all the inspirational talks that I heard, or the chats I had with different people... or the the music... but the truth is, my biggest take home was that I'm completely burnt out. Yes, the conference was great, the talks were great and I'm so proud of my church for putting it on, and friends who participated as a workshop speaker/panelist. That still doesn't take away from the really issue that I haven't dealt with... the heart of the problem... and that is the fact that I am burnt out. 

The past year and a half, since I've started at ICM... there's been precious little real rest. I started near the end of my first practicum for my masters degree... going into winter semester, going into summer semester, going into second practicum which seemed to lead right into the final semester. Not only was there little rest from the school side of things, there's never truly real rest from work. Strangely enough, I've still been able to travel to Korea, India, Canada, Taiwan and Mongolia within this year and a half. 

I'm not complaining... but I think I need to finally accept that the past two years have taken quite a tow on me, and I need to admit that I'm completely exhausted. The hardest part.... is when they said to write down a name of a person you can talk to when you discover yourself burning out, I couldn't think of one name that I would like to write down. Perhaps, I should've written the blog. Hahaha... anyways... so that's it. Me saying, I'm exhausted and I think I'm burning out.     

Restless? Or something else....

Several years ago, I read this in Wild at Heart...

'Eve was convinced that God was withholding something from her.' Not even the extravagance of Eden could convince her that God's heart is good. 'When Eve was [deceived], the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness.' Now every daughter of Eve wants to 'control her surrounding, her relationships, her God.' No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. 'In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate so we don't feel so defenceless.' Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.

I thought I understood this passage when it read it the first time... but I don't think I was truly in a place where I thought God was withholding from me. Lately... I get it. 

To end with this song from Kari Jobe....

Hump day Happenings....

Goodness gracious.... I can't believe that school is over. I wrote my last exam 2 weeks ago... and that was it. Masters of Social Science in Social Work has come to a completion. 

2 weeks later, I'm a chaos of emotions. I'm happy to be done, but confused out of my mind. I seriously thought that after three years, I would have a better idea of what I would want to do, and where I wanted to head.... but I don't have an answer to everyone's favourite question at the moment... which has been "So what are you gonna do now that you're done school?"

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do now. Right now I just want to work at ICM and see where that leads... which is also strange because I am having such a hard time waking up for work. I was so excited that school was ending and I would no longer have to divide my time between work and school... but now that school has ended I just want to sleep... sleep... and sleep some more. It doesn't help one bit that now school is over, I have not been able to sleep at all! I toss and turn every night... that by the time it comes for waking up for work, I am so grumpy...

So continued that cycle this morning... I couldn't sleep to the point that I finally got out of bed at 5am and took a sleeping pill... which didn't kick in until it was time to wake up for work. So I drag myself out of bed and off to work... And so of course I walk in, to a board room of women reading the Bible and one of them says something about me playing on the band at church Sunday morning... that all turns into asking me to lead them in worship. 

I don't know why I'm being put through the grinder lately... but I also know that I'm almost at complete exhaustion and after that comes burn out. Right now I'm on thin ice, and I don't know what to do about that. I need sleep... but when it's time to sleep I'm not tired.... and when I'm suppose to wake up, I'm exhausted. Perhaps, I'm currently functioning on the wrong time zone... also not helpful... especially when my job involves working with children. Working with children requires too much energy for me to be not sleeping well. 

Perhaps, finishing school has left me with more anxiety than being in school. I guess it'd be a lie if I were to say that I'm not anxious about the future... I do wonder if this is it... and I just work at ICM... with no end in sight. I wonder if this is it... where I really do become a spinster and move in with my other single lady friends.... I wonder if this is it... where the only children I will ever have are spiritual children through my family in Christ. The more I wonder, the more faithless I feel... and at the end of all this wondering... I am left completely defeated. Absolutely... completely... defeated. 

Frig... borderline depression again. Well... let's look at the positive side of things. I.AM.FINISHED.SCHOOL!!!!!! It has not been an easy path since that day I said no more HSBC, I'm gonna pursue social work... to not getting into school... to working at Christian Action... to getting into CUHK... to losing my job at Christian Action... to finding this job at ICM... to finding 2 local placements.... to finally finishing my last exam.... I.MADE.IT!!! So many times I wanted to give up.... and God surrounded me with people to push me to keep going. So... right now gonna hold my head up... and keep ploughing through.... unless someone has a better idea. 

To end off... a song to symbolise the end... to represent graduation.... 

reframing....

Perhaps.... too much studying hence the word "reframing." Been listening to this song again... oh how things have changed since the first time I've heard that song... :P Changed in a good way... 

Currently my studying playlist is completely unconventional... it puts me to sleep more than it encourages studying but yet I keep listening to it. The more I listen to it, the more I wonder if I've made a mistake... if I've missed out/ shut out something that might have been good for me out of fear. 

Haven't been able to eat much... not sleeping well at all... and my brain is full of crap that I don't want to deal with... not with my last final 2 days away... So I shall shove it all under the rug until Family Intervention final is done! (Side note: I passed the stupid CUHK IT proficiency test, so I can graduate given that I don't fail any courses this semester!) 

Anyways... back to learning about Narrative Family Therapy.... whilst this is playing in my ear "I'll never give up, never give in, never let a ray of doubt slip in..... " hahahhaaha... :P

Love wasn't ever meant to be easy....

This song has been on my mind so much lately... and these words are like a stab into my heart...

"What if my greatest disappointments,

Or the aching of this life, 

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

What if the trials of this life,

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?" ~ Laura Story

I started this awhile back... but never found the words to finish it. Perhaps today I've found the words that I was trying to string together a couple of months ago. 

I find solace and safety in loving children because it's easy. They're honest, either they love you or they don't. When they don't, that's fine, there's like another 50 children that I need to love and look after. There's always other children to care for... and even when they don't love me back, that's fine because at the end of the day it's not about me anyways. I'm simply doing what God has asked... and if He chooses to reward me with returned affections from the children then great, if not that is okay too.

But you know what? Loving friends is hard. It is really disappointing to find that all the time, energy and effort that you had put into friendships go to waste because your friend didn't have the time, or they didn't actually care as deeply for you... or whatever reason you want to fill in here with. People... are the greatest disappointments, because in people I have the greatest expectations. That's the revelation is that the thirst I am looking to be satisfied by my friends can't be... only God can satisfy that gaping hole in my heart. 

The string of disappointments that I have faced with in the past couple of years have actually left me unwilling to be open and transparent. I've become unwilling to share life with others... with children I don't have to bare to them the scars of my past, I don't have to share with them any of the things in my life that I don't like to reveal... I just need to love them, and have fun with them... and through that I show them the love of Christ. With friends, it's different. I have to let down my walls to bare the ugly sides of myself... and that's become hard. 

God told me once that I am to love... even when it hurts. I have to love through the hurting because that's how He will be revealed through me. It has not been easy... God has called me to love some people who have left me completely broken... So if I must be honest, I've been like Jonah... I've been running away from the calling that He's placed on me. I haven't been loving even when it hurts... and I haven't loved to the point where it hurts me... I've been holding everyone at an arms length so that I can't be hurt.... In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

So begins the journey... of opening up my heart... learning to be vulnerable... and once again learning to love... fighting and wrestling with God... but I also know that in the end, my desire to be in alignment with His will for my life will win...

weekend reminders....

from hiking during CNY holidays! :)

It's been awhile since the last post... not for any particular reason. Mostly due to writers block... just haven't been inspired to write. I think some days I'm still recovering from the madness of working and doing my placement hours... that was so incredibly hard and draining on me that I can't find words to describe what a hard time those six months really were.

A couple of things came up this past weekend... things that reminded me of why I'm on the path that I'm on to begin with. The first thing was that "God doesn't need us to be perfect, He just needs us to be broken." Very simply, the name of this blog is "Beauty in the Broken." I know that it is always out of my brokenness that God does the most because He is the most glorified when I am broken. He strength is made perfect in our weakness. So I was reminded that I too come from a place of brokenness, but God didn't leave me in my brokenness. He restored me to wholeness before I was allowed on my way to the better things that He had prepared for me. Therefore, I was reminded that it is okay to be broken. I can allow myself to be broken... I don't have to hide it, nor do I have to avoid it.

The next reminder was "run to something, not away from something." This whole journey started with me running away from something, but that has all been put right. God used my disobedience and turned it into a story for His glory. I no longer have anything to hide from, or to run away from. God proved this so beautifully in my last trip home to Canada. I have also learned that running away from things solves nothing... and running away from God definitely makes nothing better. God wants us to run directly into His arms, He wants us, desires for us to run recklessly abandoned into Him. I've learned that lesson... that my job is to run to Him... so that all I am is abandoned into who He is, because it is in that place that I find rest, and peace... and it is in that place where I need not worry about anything.

The final thing that has been up is a comment that many have been saying to me, and that is "At least you know what your calling is!" I have been finding that comment so funny... because I don't feel like I know what my calling is, or at least I feel like I've lost sight of it. The picture that God gave me seems so murky lately. I think it's mostly because I am finishing up my masters degree soon and I thought that in the past 2.5 years as I have been completing my schooling as God has asked, that He would have made that picture more clear as the time went... or that I'd have a better idea of what I am to be doing once I finish my masters degree in social work. Yet, as the final semester slips away, I am left with no clearer a picture than the first day I started classes at CUHK. Regardless of how murky I feel that my future looks, it's nice to be reminded that God put passions and desires in me, He's also given me many promises that goes along with those passions and desires.  

These are all things that I know... but I needed the reminder. To be reminded once again that not knowing what lies ahead is okay. To know that I am walking towards God and that I need to continue to make Him my focus. The best is to be reminded that God has given me passions and purposes... that this path has not been started in vain, or on reckless decisions, but on  months of wrestling with God and praying and walking with Him before running straight at Him, recklessly abandoning all that makes sense in the worldly realm. At the end of the day... it's okay to be scared, to not know... and it's definitely okay to be completely broken by all that I encounter on a daily basis... When I don't let it break me, I know my heart becomes hard, and I am not soft to move freely in the Spirit with God. When I demand to have a firm grip on my life, and demand to know all the details of that which lies ahead, I'm telling God that I no longer trust Him and that I know better.

You know, life really hasn't been easy... but at the end of the day I trust that God knows that He is doing, so I keep walking. :)

Monday Musings....

After I ended placement the other Friday... it was back to back Christmas parties on the Saturday... these are some of my favourites from that day! I love taking pictures of the kids, sometimes it's so hard to capture them in that one moment of joy... or just in that moment... but when you can capture it... the emotions behind it is so fun to look at... cause it's so pure! 

I can't believe that 2013 is coming to an end already.... in so many ways, I feel like the year just started not very long ago! These kids... and some more have been front and centre of 2013 for me. They have consumed me like nothing else has and I have allowed it to happen almost with no reservation. There is no denying that they have been my saving grace this past year, I have learned so much about myself in them and through them. As 2013, through every frustration... through every down moment... through every happy moment... when I see these kids, I am reminded that God has been in each and every single moment. It was God who has brought me thus far... and from here He will continue to take me to everywhere else He intends for me to venture.

Let's not even pretend like 2013 hasn't been a rough year... but with stretching comes growth, right? With growth comes maturity... so it is on the hope that I have grown and matured this past year that I look forward to a new year. A new year with new challenges, new lessons, and new adventures to be discovered. I'm kinda looking forward to 2013 being over... and definitely looking forward to another year with these monkeys! They frustrate me so much at times... but at the end... it's not them so much as the circumstances and situations that surround them and other things that make me mad... and the truth is that I only get frustrated because I love each and every single one of these monkeys so much... simply because God loves each and everyone of them so much.... and as I learn to love as Christ loves them... I simply want the best for them. :)

I feel like in all this God is stretching the mother's heart in me... and some days it feels like I'm learning that even if the only children I will ever have are spiritual ones through the family of Christ... maybe it will be okay. I'm just being honest... I still would like my own family but if that never happens... maybe it will be okay too. I have a huge spiritual family with lots of children that need to be loved.... and in Christ, He is always enough.  

B*tching at it's Finest... :P

It's been awhile... and it's been a frustrating couple of weeks... to say the least.

You know for someone who has failed a class before and still managed to graduate from university with a somewhat respectable degree, you'd think that I'd have developed enough faith to believe that God will get me through my graduate program. Yet, I'm still constantly terrified that I will fail. I've once again let the expectations of school cause me to loose sleep, and health because of anxiety. I can't sleep because I go to sleep thinking of all the things that can go wrong at placement... and then I dream about all the ways I will fail and the terrible feedback. I am letting my worth be dictate by the feedback that I receive from my supervisor and my team leader at placement. Let's just say... the bad probably out weight the good... and therefore I'm constantly on the edge... and what's worse... I think it's just made dread going into that place all the more. 

No matter how hard I try... I will never truly be local Hong Kong. I just don't have that within me. I don't understand the local education system... I don't understand the pressures that local students face, I just don't. I crack under the pressure they face... I constantly think that had I stayed in Hong Kong, I most likely would be among the statistics of students who committed suicide. You know what I find the hardest? It's the fact that they seem to believe that improvement will come from scolding and negative feedback. Except... the more negative feedback I receive... the more I resent them... and the further I wish to pull away. I'm not built that way. I strive in positive environments where I am nurtured through encouragement and positive feedback. I'm not saying that I can do no wrong.... but when I already feel bad for not meeting my own ridiculous high expectations of myself it only further makes me feel worse about myself than I already do.

Blah... I think most of the time I feel terrible at this placement because I haven't put in as much effort as I can. To put more effort in would be suicide... or at least social suicide. I guess after last year's attempt at hermiting during last year's placement, I do not wish a repeat of the psychological damage I suffered after a lack of social interaction with others. At least last year I had a partner at placement, and seemed to have mingled better with other members of staff... this year I feel so disjointed and disconnected from the other members of staff, and I have no partner. It's been a friggin' lonely 5 months at placement.... and I'm finally down to the last 5 weeks! 

At the end of the day... anxiety is running high... I'm losing sleep... I feel sluggish due to a lack of exercise... I feel disconnected from people because I hermit most days with my laptop... as I am doing at the moment... and well... I just all around feel like crap. There I said it. I.feel.like.CRAP. I feel like nothing I do at placement has been good enough... yet I sometimes wonder how they can expect me to be as good as they are when they have so many more years of experience than I do... school courses are useless in teaching me the "skills" I'm suppose to be have acquired... as was my last placement. BLAH! And this is where I once again go down the train of thought that wonders "WTF didn't I apply to school back in Canada????" 

Oh well... what's done is done. The truth is, the degree is almost over regardless of how I feel about it now. Just gotta suck it in and deal with all that frustrates me about the program. I'm sure there is a good reason for why I had to endure all this... I just don't see it at the moment because I'm so blinded by my own frustration and anxiety. 

Okay... ranting complete. Gonna call it an early-ish night and get more work done when I wake up.  

An Unexpected Apology...

A little while ago I went home to Edmonton, Canada for a friend's wedding. I think this was the first time I had been so excited to go home to Edmonton... EVER. 

Since I've been back in Hong Kong, I have realised a lot of things. One is that... the place that I once dreaded... that I disliked... that was probably my least favourite place... (considering I ran away from it and all) had once again become "home," in every sense of that word. It was safe, it was familiar, and most importantly, it was so nice! All my negative feelings towards it was no more... I finally realised how much redemption work God had done in my heart these past 5 years since I've left. The amount of healing that He had completed in my heart was incredible. 

On top of all of this, God had another surprise waiting for me on this trip. An apology that I never thought I would receive... and one that I realised that I no longer actually needed. After 8 years, I finally received the apology for everything that happened... Even though I had closed the door on that chapter of my life, never expecting to actually hear the words "I'm sorry, please forgive me." Even though, I had already extended out my hand (by the grace of God) for reconciliation... There it came. Completely unexpected.... and I am once again left in awe of how intricately God weaves everything together.

I never thought I would reach this place... but here I am, and all glory belongs to God, and Him alone. But as I end on that thought, I do realise also that there is a huge hole that only friends at home can fill. This past trip home made me realise how incredibly much I miss everyone. All those who had walked with me these past 20 years... through the ups and the downs... who have held my hand through every heartbreak and celebrated every breakthrough with me... the people who don't need me to explain anything.... but simply looks at my face and can say "So... what are you hiding?" hahahaha... it was so nice to be with everyone, how ever short of a trip it was. 

Anyways... with that... I need to get back to the grind. Last 10 weeks of placement... I need to push through all this. I just need to get past these next couple weeks... finish the groups and programs.... then take a short break.... and we start the LAST semester of grad school!!!!! 

Transition...

A couple of weeks ago I felt myself starting to shut down... the daily stress of work compounded by the stress of school demands for placement.... if I'm not at work... I'm stressing about work... if I'm not being over anxious about my children... I'm stressing about placement homework... I wake up in the middle of every night freaking out about various different things... so to cope with it I started to shut down... I didn't want to deal with the stress... and covered it up to the point where I was ready to break down big time.

No one ever explained that transition would be so hard... that when I packed up my stuff and got on a plane for Hong Kong that my life would change so dramatically in 5 years. I read this article the other day in Relevant Magazine. It's about having a "quarter-life crisis"... but I like point 2: It's more transition than quarter-life crisis. "You're saying goodbye to a season and, even more dramatically, waving goodbye to who you used to be."

Transition... puts things into a new perspective. I never realised that when I took a step in the direction of this new job at ICM that it would throw me into such a whirlwind of life. In the past 10 months (OMG, it's been 10 months already!) I have stopped going to 180 (Young Adults fellowship), PLUS (small group), met and started spending time with new friends, been on the fringe of leaving the Vine, finished placement #1 AND started placement #2... finished more classes on my way to finished this social work degree... dealt with some family drama... had one of the kids thrown in jail... been affirmed in this new place yet challenged to the point of doubt so regularly that sometimes I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

I can not say transition has been easy, I can't even say that I've enjoyed every step of it. What I CAN say is that I know that God has been walking with me each and every single step of the way. The season of equipment is slowly chugging it's way to it's end... there are 8 months left of school... 8!!! Three years have finally come down to the final 8 months! I'm transitioning from preparation to action... and I know ICM is simply a small step towards action. What's next only God knows... but I am comforted to know that I am no longer the same person that I used to be. 

Loneliness...

Loneliness...

Lately... more than normal, I've felt like I'm walking at life alone. Perhaps it's partly because I'm still single... or that I'm not currently plugged into a small group at church... or I'm currently the only staff on site at ICM at the moment... or perhaps in a way, it's simply a combination of all of the above. Yet at the end of the day... I think the circumstances only expounds the feeling... because I think at the heart of it all it is that I trust no one.  

I've been thinking about this... ALOT. I've had a lot of time on my own as of late... and I think that I may have stumbled upon something else. I don't trust people... period. The biggest possible reason as to why I feel so amazingly alone in the world sometimes is that I don't trust people. There is a real fear that I have discovered that everyone is going to either abandon me or backstab me. I think the whole world trash talks about me behind my back.

I don't ask for help because I don't trust people. I micro manage... or cannot put things down because I don't trust people. I think I've built myself a humungoid fortress... in which I try to keep myself safe from people... and at the moment that fort is built on my busyness. I'm too busy to reply... reach out... I'm too busy to think... too busy to be around... and so as I hide behind busyness... I am free to hermit and be alone... where I don't have to risk being vulnerable with people... where I don't have to be real... 

Today I'm just being honest... that the words "Jesus walks with me" seem distant... and in so many ways... it's not enough. But I'm tired... and have no strength to reach up or out... 

Tuesday Tossings...

On Sunday, AndyG talked about... moving on? After Sunday, I think I realised that I was walking backwards with my eyes looking at all the ways I have been let down in the past and not looking forward towards God. I know I am walking in a season of favour with God... but I wasn't walking like it... I was walking with my tail between my legs, and allowing the hurt and disappointment of the past dictate how I walk towards the promises of God.... basically I didn't really believe that He was getting to where He had promised He would take me.

This morning during our weekly time of worship and prayer at work, God gave me a picture. He showed me all that I had packaged nicely inside of my heart... and it had become this showcase. I had encased my hurt and disappointments within a glass case... and every so often I like to turn the light on and dwell on it... In essence, it had become an altar, and a very unhealthy altar. I have encased it, to put it away so that I wouldn't feel those things anymore and at the same time I wasn't dealing with it nor letting it go. This was a very eye-opening picture. 

Thank-goodness God didn't allow it to stop there! After I realised what God was showing me, God came in with a huge hammer and smashed up the case. He completely ripped it apart. Then at the end whilst I stood there in shock... He said I've missed the point. He swept up all the mess and in the midst of it was a seedling breaking through. He said to me, "you've been spending so much energy on what is no more that you couldn't see the new life that I have been allowing to grow in your life." Then He shone His light upon it and said, "let it grow in my light, allow My Spirit to grow this."

It was such a good picture... and so much confirmation from others... that this wasn't just a picture for myself, but a picture for everyone else in the ministry and for the ministry. God is doing a new thing at ICM... and we need to pray and seek so that we don't suffocate what He's trying to grow!

I feel much better after all the prayer today... I may have woken up exhausted... but I was definitely refilled and refreshed at work today... such a blessed place that God has placed me in! 

I'm not a great artist... hahaha but that was my picture...