what is it that God wants from me? where is it that i'm suppose to go? what is it that i am to do? i'm tired of trying to be patient, and i'm tired of being on my own. don't pretend like you know or understand, because you don't. you don't know the frustrations i go through everyday, you don't understand my anger and confusion.
i try to turn to God, but everytime i get near, i feel the need to pull away. i want to feel the comfort of God's hand in my life, but i find myself turning to worldly things instead. i'm trying to hear God's voice, but i feel like everything else in my life drowns it out. i can't hear it. i feel like i keep knocking on His door, and He's just ignoring me. do you understand what that feels like? to stand there and wait, and wait, and wait, but He doesn't come, and He doesn't answer.
i think 2 years ago, a small part of me died, and i haven't been the same since. lately the memories have been haunting me, and certain fears have returned. it makes me want to run, to run away and never come back. to go where no one knows me, where no one even knows my name. to be alone, and leave it all behind.
~I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are~
i've called...but where is the answer? God where are you?
30 Apr 2007
28 Feb 2007
restless
i hate this state of restlessness that i've fallen into. this state of unsatisfaction where nothing seems to cease my frustration with everything in my life. i have a job for which i should be grateful, i have a wonderful family, and amazing friends, all of which are Godsent, and all of which i am very grateful for. so why am i so unhappy and so frustrated with my life? a year ago my life was a question mark as graduation neared, but at least i was happy. scared, but happy. now i find myself caught in the materialistic world, chasing after jobs that pay me more money, longing for things that bring only temporary satisfaction. where has all my passion gone? where did all that joy go?
i feel as if i've become what i wanted to become the least. i've become one of those people who wake up every morning and dread going to work. i've become one of those people who hate their jobs, and in turn i think i'm starting to hate myself for it.
maybe i'm restless because i've haven't attained all that God meant for me. i'm not where God wants me to be, i'm not doing what He wants me to do. but what is it that He wants for me, where is it that i am to be? i thought it was here, so was it? i'm waiting, and i'm getting impatient.
right now i'd do anything to jump back onto that plane and head back to the philippines, but i believe that's called running away from reality... and in a way, running away from God. i know that He hasn't called me back there just yet... and that right now i need to stay put and wait on God. somedays are easier than others... but God knows best, and if i try to do my own thing i know i'll simply land flat on my face. so gotta just keep trekking for the sake of eternity.
i feel as if i've become what i wanted to become the least. i've become one of those people who wake up every morning and dread going to work. i've become one of those people who hate their jobs, and in turn i think i'm starting to hate myself for it.
maybe i'm restless because i've haven't attained all that God meant for me. i'm not where God wants me to be, i'm not doing what He wants me to do. but what is it that He wants for me, where is it that i am to be? i thought it was here, so was it? i'm waiting, and i'm getting impatient.
right now i'd do anything to jump back onto that plane and head back to the philippines, but i believe that's called running away from reality... and in a way, running away from God. i know that He hasn't called me back there just yet... and that right now i need to stay put and wait on God. somedays are easier than others... but God knows best, and if i try to do my own thing i know i'll simply land flat on my face. so gotta just keep trekking for the sake of eternity.
2 Jan 2007
happy new years!
HAPPY 2007! i can't believe that 2006 is over already. feels like yesterday that we celebrated the end of 2005. praise God for the most amazing year yet. despite all the uncertainty this year was filled with, and all the anxiety of not knowing what was/is ahead for me, i still think that it was a wonderful year. the highlight was definitely missions in the Philippines, and 3 months in HK with family and random friends.
this past year brought new struggles and trials that i had not seen before, but i stayed focused on God, and He carried me through each and every single time. i'm thankful for new struggles and trials because that means that i've grown and that i'm not struggling with the same thing year after year. and this past year was also the most happy i've been in years, so praise God for filling my heart with joy and laughter.
several things i learned this year: i now know how it feels for those who don't speak any chinese to step in our church... it's confuing... and you just don't understand what's going on half the time. i've seen firsthand that prayer goes beyond language and border and culture. i've learned how to bury the past and be happy with where i am. i've learned that finding a job is hard... esp one that you will "enjoy." most importantly i've learned the importance of having family and friends support, pray and encourage you in everything is a previlaged, not to be taken for granted.
as the new year begins, i pray that God continues to touch everyone in which ever way they need. i pray that you will all find Him in all that you do, and He will bless you in everything. i'm excited to see what He has in store for 2007, no matter good or bad, because i know that He is in control, and whatever happens, it will be develop my faith in Him, and through it i will mature.
have a good one!
this past year brought new struggles and trials that i had not seen before, but i stayed focused on God, and He carried me through each and every single time. i'm thankful for new struggles and trials because that means that i've grown and that i'm not struggling with the same thing year after year. and this past year was also the most happy i've been in years, so praise God for filling my heart with joy and laughter.
several things i learned this year: i now know how it feels for those who don't speak any chinese to step in our church... it's confuing... and you just don't understand what's going on half the time. i've seen firsthand that prayer goes beyond language and border and culture. i've learned how to bury the past and be happy with where i am. i've learned that finding a job is hard... esp one that you will "enjoy." most importantly i've learned the importance of having family and friends support, pray and encourage you in everything is a previlaged, not to be taken for granted.
as the new year begins, i pray that God continues to touch everyone in which ever way they need. i pray that you will all find Him in all that you do, and He will bless you in everything. i'm excited to see what He has in store for 2007, no matter good or bad, because i know that He is in control, and whatever happens, it will be develop my faith in Him, and through it i will mature.
have a good one!
21 Dec 2006
no one said it would be easy
"The reason some of us are such poor specimens of Christianity is because we have no Almighty Christ. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment to Jesus Christ." ~ Oswald Chambers
so often, i find myself falling into the trap of becoming that sunday christian. especially now that i'm not serving at church, it's so easy to just praise and worship God on sunday... then on every other day... god gets put on the back burner, and sometimes even pushed out of my life completely. it doesn't work so well to compartimentalize your life into church and non-church. one will always dominiate over the other, and they can never co-exist in harmony.
when we don't abandon our lives to God, He doesn't come shining through our lives. what ends up showing through is our true selfish human nature. the part of us that isn't able to love through God's supernatural love, and therefore we are called hypocrites and turn people away from Christianity. when we lead that double-faced life of ours, it's easy to see why people would call us hypocrites. i'd call myself one too.
but God never promised that being a Christian would be easy. He never promised that it would be all blue skies and daisies. BUT He did promise that He would walk it with us, and never leave us on our own as long as we put our faith in Him. human nature causes us to not abandon our lives to God, therefore, God does not come shining through.
honestly, even the best of christian makes mistakes sometimes. it's only human. so please, just cut us some slack. we do try our best.
so often, i find myself falling into the trap of becoming that sunday christian. especially now that i'm not serving at church, it's so easy to just praise and worship God on sunday... then on every other day... god gets put on the back burner, and sometimes even pushed out of my life completely. it doesn't work so well to compartimentalize your life into church and non-church. one will always dominiate over the other, and they can never co-exist in harmony.
when we don't abandon our lives to God, He doesn't come shining through our lives. what ends up showing through is our true selfish human nature. the part of us that isn't able to love through God's supernatural love, and therefore we are called hypocrites and turn people away from Christianity. when we lead that double-faced life of ours, it's easy to see why people would call us hypocrites. i'd call myself one too.
but God never promised that being a Christian would be easy. He never promised that it would be all blue skies and daisies. BUT He did promise that He would walk it with us, and never leave us on our own as long as we put our faith in Him. human nature causes us to not abandon our lives to God, therefore, God does not come shining through.
honestly, even the best of christian makes mistakes sometimes. it's only human. so please, just cut us some slack. we do try our best.
27 Nov 2006
there's always a choice
everything we do, is the result of a choice that we make. there is always a choice. you may choose to go to class, or you may choose to sleep in. you may choose to go to work, or you may call in sick. i taken a certain route to work because i choose to take it. as we get older, the more choices we need to make. when you're little, your parents make all your decisions for you, when to sleep, where to go to school, what to eat for dinner, sometimes even what you should wear everyday. it was easy, everything was decided for us.
then we started getting older, and parents started to let us make our decisions more often. more say in which extracurricular activities to take part in, what to wear, how to cut our hair, which high school to go to, which classes to take, which university, what to major in, etc.
and i guess now i've reached that stage where i need to decide, what kinda job i want, what city do i want to be in, what kinda person i'd want to marry, should i buy a car, a house, etc. the more choices we have to make, the harder it seems. as our parents start letting go, we start to realize that not all decisions take 15 seconds. not everything is black and white. sometimes, there is no wrong choice, sometimes, you just need to make a choice.
who we are and where we are in life is a result of all the choices that we have made. i am who i am because i chose God above everything else in this world. i am where i am becuase i chose to follow God instead of my own needs and wants. sometimes, i get frustrated, and i want to take the easy way out. i want to choose the world instead of God. i want to make that choice to turn my back on God and walk away from it all. taking the higher road is not easy, and it does not come with out its consequences. to take the higher road means i have to give up myself... and sometimes that isn't the easiest thing to do. we're naturally selfish people, and we want to take care of ourselves first.
but as hard as taking the higher road is, it is the choice that leaves me with the least amount of regrets. it is the choice that does not leave me in shame or guilt. and there will always be times when there only seems like one way out of a situation, but that's a lie. there is always a choice, and that choice is always left for us to make. no one else can make up our minds for us. so don't ever blame a situation you're in on someone else. you're the only person who could've allowed yourself into that situation. (okay... of course unless someone hits you on the road while you're following all the traffic rules.)
so don't blame God for putting you into something. you wouldn't be in it unless you've allowed Him into your life to do so, and it's because He thinks you can handle it. take it as a compliment. everything is your choice.
then we started getting older, and parents started to let us make our decisions more often. more say in which extracurricular activities to take part in, what to wear, how to cut our hair, which high school to go to, which classes to take, which university, what to major in, etc.
and i guess now i've reached that stage where i need to decide, what kinda job i want, what city do i want to be in, what kinda person i'd want to marry, should i buy a car, a house, etc. the more choices we have to make, the harder it seems. as our parents start letting go, we start to realize that not all decisions take 15 seconds. not everything is black and white. sometimes, there is no wrong choice, sometimes, you just need to make a choice.
who we are and where we are in life is a result of all the choices that we have made. i am who i am because i chose God above everything else in this world. i am where i am becuase i chose to follow God instead of my own needs and wants. sometimes, i get frustrated, and i want to take the easy way out. i want to choose the world instead of God. i want to make that choice to turn my back on God and walk away from it all. taking the higher road is not easy, and it does not come with out its consequences. to take the higher road means i have to give up myself... and sometimes that isn't the easiest thing to do. we're naturally selfish people, and we want to take care of ourselves first.
but as hard as taking the higher road is, it is the choice that leaves me with the least amount of regrets. it is the choice that does not leave me in shame or guilt. and there will always be times when there only seems like one way out of a situation, but that's a lie. there is always a choice, and that choice is always left for us to make. no one else can make up our minds for us. so don't ever blame a situation you're in on someone else. you're the only person who could've allowed yourself into that situation. (okay... of course unless someone hits you on the road while you're following all the traffic rules.)
so don't blame God for putting you into something. you wouldn't be in it unless you've allowed Him into your life to do so, and it's because He thinks you can handle it. take it as a compliment. everything is your choice.
20 Nov 2006
simply grace
did you know that God loves you so much more than anything? did you know that you mean so much more to Him than you could ever imagaine? did you know that all God wants is your life? if you don't know how much God loves you, and desires for your life, read the Parable of the Lost Sheep (Matt 18:10-14)
sometimes, we feel like giving God control over our whole lives is way too much. we feel like if we hand everything over, then life will suck and we won't have any fun. we feel like if we don't have any say in our own lives, then nothing will turn out okay. i am definitely one of those who are guilty of this. i don't want to hand God everything, i'm scared that the things that matter to me most won't matter to God, and He'll either remove it from my plans, or just do a half-ass job on it. i get scared that if i have no say that God will make me do things that i don't want to do. i'm not perfect, i have things that i'm unable to put before God. i stumble and fall all the time. i demand to have things my way from God all the time.
but have you ever considered how much God sacrificed in order to be able to have these intimate relationships with us? have you ever thought about how much God had lost in order that we might gain and live in eternity with Him? we feel like if we give up our lives to God, we give up our freedom and we give up all our fun. i feel like that all the time. the legalistic side of the religion demands that i live that pure and blameless life that Jesus lived. it makes me feel like there is no room for error, no room for me to "live my life."
do you know that God sacrificed His son on the cross for us? Jesus died on that cross so that can be free in Christ. He died to make me blameless before God, therefore through grace we are saved, it is grace that leaves room for error. of course there is also the difference between making a mistake and doing something wrong for the sake of doing something wrong. somedays i feel like life without God would be so much more free and so much more fun, but then i remember everything that God has done in my life, and i know that's not true. i know that because of God, i have true joy that i would not have otherwise. i am free from sin, that that is better than "feeling" free because that's what the world has defined as being free.
the gravitational pull of worldly things is huge, and i admit that there are times when that pull seems to be so much stronger than the pull of the holy spirit. but that's why God requires us to spend daily time in his word and learning more about Him. it's not easy, and somedays, we will fall, but God simply requires that we try, and grace will do the rest.
sometimes, we feel like giving God control over our whole lives is way too much. we feel like if we hand everything over, then life will suck and we won't have any fun. we feel like if we don't have any say in our own lives, then nothing will turn out okay. i am definitely one of those who are guilty of this. i don't want to hand God everything, i'm scared that the things that matter to me most won't matter to God, and He'll either remove it from my plans, or just do a half-ass job on it. i get scared that if i have no say that God will make me do things that i don't want to do. i'm not perfect, i have things that i'm unable to put before God. i stumble and fall all the time. i demand to have things my way from God all the time.
but have you ever considered how much God sacrificed in order to be able to have these intimate relationships with us? have you ever thought about how much God had lost in order that we might gain and live in eternity with Him? we feel like if we give up our lives to God, we give up our freedom and we give up all our fun. i feel like that all the time. the legalistic side of the religion demands that i live that pure and blameless life that Jesus lived. it makes me feel like there is no room for error, no room for me to "live my life."
do you know that God sacrificed His son on the cross for us? Jesus died on that cross so that can be free in Christ. He died to make me blameless before God, therefore through grace we are saved, it is grace that leaves room for error. of course there is also the difference between making a mistake and doing something wrong for the sake of doing something wrong. somedays i feel like life without God would be so much more free and so much more fun, but then i remember everything that God has done in my life, and i know that's not true. i know that because of God, i have true joy that i would not have otherwise. i am free from sin, that that is better than "feeling" free because that's what the world has defined as being free.
the gravitational pull of worldly things is huge, and i admit that there are times when that pull seems to be so much stronger than the pull of the holy spirit. but that's why God requires us to spend daily time in his word and learning more about Him. it's not easy, and somedays, we will fall, but God simply requires that we try, and grace will do the rest.
9 Nov 2006
oh i love them filipinos!
God reminded me of why He sent me to the philippines for a month today. through some letters that arrived in the mail... i was reminded of why God sent me to those kids, and put them into my heart even before i set foot into that country! the kids in the picture are the kids who wrote to me. they're my grades 4, 5 and 6 whom i was teaching math to. i didn't even realize that i missed them so much until i got these letters.
why does it bring me such joy? cause i completely forgot how bad their english was! i forgot that they would write these notes, and i'd be starring at 2 sentences for 5 min trying to figure out what in the world the point of it was! ahh... such fun times those were. and the best part of opening these letters was when i opened them, and i looked down at the first letter, these were the first words that i read: dear mommy cecilia... i was like "what the?!!" and then i saw who it was from and i almost fell to the ground laughing! if you guys want to know what else was funny, just ask, i'll show you the letters!
funny how God always brings the right things at the right time. always something there to remind me that He's still there and He's taking care of me. at the same time keeping me accountable to keeping these people in my heart and in my prayers. a reminder that the burdens He's placed on my heart weren't of my own imagnation and they were from God, and they were things that He wanted me to do. somedays, i feel like my trip to the philippines was such a gong show and that i gained nothing from it, but a suitcase full of dried mangoes. but when i hear from them, it makes me want to be back there with them, and i realized i gained exactly what God had wanted to.
these kids taught me what it means to rely on God for everything. they taught me what simple joys really mean. they taught me how to open up my heart to let strangers in. and most importantly they have taught me that life is only as good as you make it out to be.
8 Nov 2006
it all ends... right here, right now
unfortunately that does not correspond to my job searching. but that is okay. because i read this during my devotions last night:
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it be yours." ~ Mark 11:24
after hearing that, i know that i only need to trust in my God and have faith that He will provide me with all that i need, and it will all be done according to His good and perfect will for my life!
...
do NOT bring down everything that i have worked so hard to build up this past year. i am NOT going back to all that pain and deception. so please just leave me be. i was only trying to be nice, and did not mean any more by it. i thought God has provided the platform for reconciliation, and i was simply answering that call for it. well... you're ruined your last chance. this is it. i say no more.
i thought friendship was finally a possibility. so why did you go and wreck all that? so maybe the time isn't right yet. maybe the time will never be right. that lies in God's hands now. you have been given your very last chance to make it right... and you messed it up. so please just stop with the mind games. i don't need them no more. don't feed me any more of your lies. i'm walking away once and for all. please respect me for the human being that i am. i do have feelings, i do have a heart, and i will get hurt.
so i beg you. please just leave me be until you're ready to understand and apologize.
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it be yours." ~ Mark 11:24
after hearing that, i know that i only need to trust in my God and have faith that He will provide me with all that i need, and it will all be done according to His good and perfect will for my life!
...
do NOT bring down everything that i have worked so hard to build up this past year. i am NOT going back to all that pain and deception. so please just leave me be. i was only trying to be nice, and did not mean any more by it. i thought God has provided the platform for reconciliation, and i was simply answering that call for it. well... you're ruined your last chance. this is it. i say no more.
i thought friendship was finally a possibility. so why did you go and wreck all that? so maybe the time isn't right yet. maybe the time will never be right. that lies in God's hands now. you have been given your very last chance to make it right... and you messed it up. so please just stop with the mind games. i don't need them no more. don't feed me any more of your lies. i'm walking away once and for all. please respect me for the human being that i am. i do have feelings, i do have a heart, and i will get hurt.
so i beg you. please just leave me be until you're ready to understand and apologize.
3 Nov 2006
WHAM!!!
my... that was one hard wall that i hit this week. so still no call from starbucks, so i've just figured that they're not going to hire me. and another rejection today... so even bmo won't hire me as a teller... what IS going on?!?! am i really that underqualified to work in a bank? am i really bombing all my interviews THAT badly?!? well... i know i bombed today at ATB. i feel sooooo sad right now! after my sad perfomance, the only way they're going to call me back with good news will be completely by God's grace! i even studied for the interview... and it just all came out wrong... and the stuff they tested me on was totally not what i had done with that same program at school... totally using it in a completely different way! *sigh*
~I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.~ Isaiah 42:16
i know that God will lead me and provide for me just like He did for the Isrealites. i believe because that's all i have to go by now. i am completely discouraged by all the rejection. it just seems like no matter what, i either don't even get the interview and when i do... i completely bomb it! but God's promised... so i will believe. no matter what His chosen people did to disgrace Him, He still loved them and kept His promises. so how much more will my Father in heaven do for me. God has taught me so much these past couple of weeks... i just hope that it's not too late. i hope that job is just a corner away... and one more turn down this dark twisted path that i call life... and the light will be there, and God will be there waiting for me to embrace me, and tell me that i did good, because this was exactly how He wanted me to endure this hardship. just a little more...
~I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.~ Isaiah 42:16
i know that God will lead me and provide for me just like He did for the Isrealites. i believe because that's all i have to go by now. i am completely discouraged by all the rejection. it just seems like no matter what, i either don't even get the interview and when i do... i completely bomb it! but God's promised... so i will believe. no matter what His chosen people did to disgrace Him, He still loved them and kept His promises. so how much more will my Father in heaven do for me. God has taught me so much these past couple of weeks... i just hope that it's not too late. i hope that job is just a corner away... and one more turn down this dark twisted path that i call life... and the light will be there, and God will be there waiting for me to embrace me, and tell me that i did good, because this was exactly how He wanted me to endure this hardship. just a little more...
27 Oct 2006
sad... but thankful
"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as other." ~Ecclesiastes 7:14
thanks for all the prayers and all the encouragement lately! how often i sulk in my own misery and ask God why things have to be so bad. i always forget that good or bad, God is the creator, and He is in control of both. i need to remember that regardless of how bad a situation is, God created it, and He placed me into it for His own purpose that i may or may not understand at the time. God has brought me here for a reason, and i trust that He will provide me with all that i need and give me all the answers that i am looking for.
i still haven't found a job. at least there was a little more hope this week. maybe soon, it won't just be phone calls, but real interviews for a job that i will enjoy. it kinda sucks because even Starbucks won't call me back! so maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a part time job. i'm tired of this sitting around and doing nothing. but in God's time i guess. and i guess i should take everyone's advice and just enjoy this break from everything that God has provided for me.
so praise God for the good things AND the bad things that happened this past week, and praise Him for getting me through another week.
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as other." ~Ecclesiastes 7:14
thanks for all the prayers and all the encouragement lately! how often i sulk in my own misery and ask God why things have to be so bad. i always forget that good or bad, God is the creator, and He is in control of both. i need to remember that regardless of how bad a situation is, God created it, and He placed me into it for His own purpose that i may or may not understand at the time. God has brought me here for a reason, and i trust that He will provide me with all that i need and give me all the answers that i am looking for.
i still haven't found a job. at least there was a little more hope this week. maybe soon, it won't just be phone calls, but real interviews for a job that i will enjoy. it kinda sucks because even Starbucks won't call me back! so maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a part time job. i'm tired of this sitting around and doing nothing. but in God's time i guess. and i guess i should take everyone's advice and just enjoy this break from everything that God has provided for me.
so praise God for the good things AND the bad things that happened this past week, and praise Him for getting me through another week.
20 Oct 2006
sick and tired of waiting!!!
ok... i'm so tired of this waiting around and doing nothing. even Starbucks won't call me back?!?! i can't even get a part time job?!?! i'm trying so very hard to be patient here... but it's getting very very hard. i feel like i get these calls, and then there's hope... and then at the end, it's just another rejection letter.
i'm quickly losing sight of the light at the end of this tunnel. it just seems to be moving further and further away... there just doesn't seem to be an end at all! am i being too picky? am i not doing enough?! what in the world am i doing wrong?!?
am i really going to have to go sell friggin' investments stuff that i don't believe in, and that i think are total scams?!?! how am i suppose to go sell something that i don't even believe in?!?! but at the rate this is all going, those will be the only companies who will hire me!
i'm trying to stay focused... but the anxiety appear to be winning. i haven't gotten one single call about anything in over a week... nothing but a whole bunch of rejection emails! how sad. i think i'm seriously going to go crawl into a hole and not come out. maybe there'll be ice cream in this hole.... so i just go and hide out there and eat ice cream... :(
i'm even more frustrated now than i was in hk. feels like i just keep hitting wall after wall after wall. where's the provision now?! i made a choice, so where's the job?! i don't understand, i thought i followed, and if i do, then He'll help me... i don't want to be like this. argh... trying to keep the faith.
i'm quickly losing sight of the light at the end of this tunnel. it just seems to be moving further and further away... there just doesn't seem to be an end at all! am i being too picky? am i not doing enough?! what in the world am i doing wrong?!?
am i really going to have to go sell friggin' investments stuff that i don't believe in, and that i think are total scams?!?! how am i suppose to go sell something that i don't even believe in?!?! but at the rate this is all going, those will be the only companies who will hire me!
i'm trying to stay focused... but the anxiety appear to be winning. i haven't gotten one single call about anything in over a week... nothing but a whole bunch of rejection emails! how sad. i think i'm seriously going to go crawl into a hole and not come out. maybe there'll be ice cream in this hole.... so i just go and hide out there and eat ice cream... :(
i'm even more frustrated now than i was in hk. feels like i just keep hitting wall after wall after wall. where's the provision now?! i made a choice, so where's the job?! i don't understand, i thought i followed, and if i do, then He'll help me... i don't want to be like this. argh... trying to keep the faith.
11 Oct 2006
so home i am...
home for over a week now... still feels strange.
did i make the right choice? should i have tried harder? should i have stuck it out and left for good? well, too late for those what if scenarios now. home i am, and no longer in hk. still unemployed and continuing my life of a bum. at least i got a tutor job, so that will take up like an hour or 2 a week. and the rest of the time shall be distributed between my tv watching habits, working out and hermiting.
people ask me how i feel about being home. it feels strange. feels weird. feels like the last 4 months was a really nice dream but none of it really happened. but it must have, or i wouldn't constantly be reminded of the philippines and how much i love the place and the people. if it hadn't been for real, i wouldn't be sad when i think of my new church and my new friends that i found in hk. so, it must have happened, and it must have been that good. God is truly amazing because none of it would have happened if it weren't for Him! He provided everything for me, starting even before i left the country. the opportunity, the visa, the time, the strength, the courage... it was all God! if i had things my way... i would definitely not be where i am today... an unemployed bum!
but it wasn't all about experiencing. it wasn't all about the relationships that were made. there are also the lessons that had to be learned. one thing from having so much time alone to spend with God is that He always has something to reveal and you always come out better. maybe God needed to have me all to Himself so He could show me just how much He loved me and cared for me. it was about time, that i finally realized that for it is and accept that. there is nothing i can do or not do to deserve His love, He's already given it to me! not only that, but God has really taught me to let go. to REALLY clean out my own closet monsters, and chuck them out, and not aside. God taught me to let go of all that I was trying to hold on to, because if i keep hanging on, then i won't have any room to hold the new blessings that He has in store for me! what a cliche... but it's so true!
so praise God for a safe return, and for the friends who have made the move back less painful and less awkward. thanks for all those who have made me feel like i mean something. but most importantly, praise God for everything that He has done, and for all the things that He has blessed me with!
did i make the right choice? should i have tried harder? should i have stuck it out and left for good? well, too late for those what if scenarios now. home i am, and no longer in hk. still unemployed and continuing my life of a bum. at least i got a tutor job, so that will take up like an hour or 2 a week. and the rest of the time shall be distributed between my tv watching habits, working out and hermiting.
people ask me how i feel about being home. it feels strange. feels weird. feels like the last 4 months was a really nice dream but none of it really happened. but it must have, or i wouldn't constantly be reminded of the philippines and how much i love the place and the people. if it hadn't been for real, i wouldn't be sad when i think of my new church and my new friends that i found in hk. so, it must have happened, and it must have been that good. God is truly amazing because none of it would have happened if it weren't for Him! He provided everything for me, starting even before i left the country. the opportunity, the visa, the time, the strength, the courage... it was all God! if i had things my way... i would definitely not be where i am today... an unemployed bum!
but it wasn't all about experiencing. it wasn't all about the relationships that were made. there are also the lessons that had to be learned. one thing from having so much time alone to spend with God is that He always has something to reveal and you always come out better. maybe God needed to have me all to Himself so He could show me just how much He loved me and cared for me. it was about time, that i finally realized that for it is and accept that. there is nothing i can do or not do to deserve His love, He's already given it to me! not only that, but God has really taught me to let go. to REALLY clean out my own closet monsters, and chuck them out, and not aside. God taught me to let go of all that I was trying to hold on to, because if i keep hanging on, then i won't have any room to hold the new blessings that He has in store for me! what a cliche... but it's so true!
so praise God for a safe return, and for the friends who have made the move back less painful and less awkward. thanks for all those who have made me feel like i mean something. but most importantly, praise God for everything that He has done, and for all the things that He has blessed me with!
26 Sept 2006
jobless but relieved
~ I will be still ~
All my fears that hold me back
Every worry on my mind
When I'm trapped and breaking down
Free me Lord
Every doubt that fills my life
I'm a prisoner of my own mind
When I feel I can't go on
Free me Lord
Still, I will be still
I wil be still
I will be still
Let my mind be still
Let my soul be still
Let my life be still
Let my heart be still
I think I've decided that this is my favourite song as of late. It's such an awesome song. When I was feeling so overwhelmed and confused, it was this song that reminded that I just need to be still and wait on God. I needed to be still and listen what He was telling me. To the things that He was trying to do in my life, to let Him teach me the things that He's trying to teach me.
And let me tell you, it's been an amazing time of being still before God. I've finally figured things out, and made my decision to head on back to Canada. (Do you people realize how many people do NOT know where Edmonton is?!?) I am still unemployed and jobless, but at the same time, i feel so relieved to know that i've finally made a decision. it wasn't an easy decision, but it had to be made... and for now i am heading back to Edmonton. For how long? I have no idea, maybe God will lead me back here, maybe He'll lead me elsewhere, but I have faith that He will pull through for me, and provide me with everything that i will need.
I am going to miss my relatives like crazy, and all my new friends that i have made! they have been such a blessing in my life! praise God for them! i will miss all the good food, the warm weather, and the shopping of course! but who can call 2 places home? i've realized how blessed i am to be able to call this place home as well as Canada. so, i guess as i leave this home, I know that i am also returning to a place which i call home and i have nothing to fear there either. God is with me and He goes before me. I have no need to fear for what is ahead or to worry about it. He already has it all planned out and it's going to be just as awesome as these past couple months have been!
All my fears that hold me back
Every worry on my mind
When I'm trapped and breaking down
Free me Lord
Every doubt that fills my life
I'm a prisoner of my own mind
When I feel I can't go on
Free me Lord
Still, I will be still
I wil be still
I will be still
Let my mind be still
Let my soul be still
Let my life be still
Let my heart be still
I think I've decided that this is my favourite song as of late. It's such an awesome song. When I was feeling so overwhelmed and confused, it was this song that reminded that I just need to be still and wait on God. I needed to be still and listen what He was telling me. To the things that He was trying to do in my life, to let Him teach me the things that He's trying to teach me.
And let me tell you, it's been an amazing time of being still before God. I've finally figured things out, and made my decision to head on back to Canada. (Do you people realize how many people do NOT know where Edmonton is?!?) I am still unemployed and jobless, but at the same time, i feel so relieved to know that i've finally made a decision. it wasn't an easy decision, but it had to be made... and for now i am heading back to Edmonton. For how long? I have no idea, maybe God will lead me back here, maybe He'll lead me elsewhere, but I have faith that He will pull through for me, and provide me with everything that i will need.
I am going to miss my relatives like crazy, and all my new friends that i have made! they have been such a blessing in my life! praise God for them! i will miss all the good food, the warm weather, and the shopping of course! but who can call 2 places home? i've realized how blessed i am to be able to call this place home as well as Canada. so, i guess as i leave this home, I know that i am also returning to a place which i call home and i have nothing to fear there either. God is with me and He goes before me. I have no need to fear for what is ahead or to worry about it. He already has it all planned out and it's going to be just as awesome as these past couple months have been!
11 Sept 2006
at my crossroads...
oh... what an awesome word. for the moment, i've decided to get off my soap box and concentrate on myself.
so... that was a picture from the beach in the philippines. on one side, it was starting to storm while the other side was still really blue. it was quite a sight, and the picture does not do it justice. why the picture? i dunno, just because it was a good reminder of God's hand over my life.
so lately, i've been blessed with a church and a fellowship where i am starting to really feel more like i belong. they're so welcoming that there just didn't seem like there was a need for me to go search for a different church. it was my second week at fellowship, but i'm already starting to feel more belonging, and have made more friends. this week, we broke off into small groups to discuss a series that they've been doing on counter culture. it was nice, because then, we broke off into pairs to pray. it's been awhile since i've done that, and it made me realize just how much i took those sharing/prayer times for granted. sometimes, we did it so much, i'd kinda groan and complain, but now i realize just how nice it is to be able to share with someone on a more intimate level and have them pray for those things with you!
right now i have a peace knowing that God will provide because he always does. i will be ok if he calls me either way. i will be sad either way, but i've realized that God has made me to be very adaptable, and that wherever he calls me to, i will be able to make the most of it, and serve God there. it is not my job to sit here and worry everyday about what might or might not happen. my job is to seek after God first and foremost, and everything else will neatly fall into the right place. isn't this what i learned before heading out to the philippines?! so... why is it that i find myself so restless everyday, and freaking out to the point where i can not get a good nights sleep?!
so as God has made such a large effort to speak to me at fellowship this week to stay faithful, and that He will provide in the end. i find that i've once again regained a peace in my heart. i'm going to do my part of seeking after God, and just wait for God to do his part. :)
7 Sept 2006
i'm coming home?!?!
so... i made up my mind 2 days ago that i was going to go home. and what does God throw at me yet again?!?! another opportunity? please, i beg you! God no more games! no more of this roller-coaster ride! i just need an answer straight up. is this place for me, or is it not?
sooo... just when i had made up my mind, i get this email from this girl i met at fellowship last weekend. in summary, her company is hiring, and she says that i'm qualified and asked if i was interested. this is an opportunity where'd i'd have to kick myself later if i don't at least try. haha, so once again, something could end up making me stay in hk. please please please pray for me! this would be a real great opportunity if i want to pursue a career in finance. so, this will be the one last job that i will try for in hk, and if this doesn't work out, then that is my sign to come home. sooo... either this works itself out before the 27th of sept (which is when my plane ticket is booked for) or else i am coming home to edmonton!
darn it... and i was actually ready to come home. but gotta do whatever God wants me to do. so... all in His hands. (But truth be told, i kinda want to come home, and try this again in a couple of years.)
sooo... just when i had made up my mind, i get this email from this girl i met at fellowship last weekend. in summary, her company is hiring, and she says that i'm qualified and asked if i was interested. this is an opportunity where'd i'd have to kick myself later if i don't at least try. haha, so once again, something could end up making me stay in hk. please please please pray for me! this would be a real great opportunity if i want to pursue a career in finance. so, this will be the one last job that i will try for in hk, and if this doesn't work out, then that is my sign to come home. sooo... either this works itself out before the 27th of sept (which is when my plane ticket is booked for) or else i am coming home to edmonton!
darn it... and i was actually ready to come home. but gotta do whatever God wants me to do. so... all in His hands. (But truth be told, i kinda want to come home, and try this again in a couple of years.)
3 Sept 2006
2 interviews and a rejection later...
ok... so this week i managed to land 2 job interviews. one was for a business and risk analyst trainee position, which would be kinda cool... other than the speaking in chinese part. we'll see... haven't heard back from that job just yet. next interview was for a financial consultant at this place... did really really poorly because i have troubles presenting myself in an interview format... in chinese! managed to land a second interview... just to hear the guy tell me that i'm not suited for the job. which i knew already... so why did i bother with the second interview? haha... because i have that much time, and am that bored... apparently. soooo.... just when i was ready to think that all hope was lost, i now have once again landed yet another interview next week. we'll see how this goes... doesn't seem like a job that would suit me either... argh... this is frustrating... why does God tease me like this?!?!
"Be still and know that I am God." where is this from?!?! i can't remember, but regardless, this verse just hit me today after i came home from fellowship today. fellowship was a complete blessing! i've been missing the familiar of that which is home. i miss the fellowshipping with my brothers and sisters in Christ. it has been awhile since i have felt safe and comfortable like i feel at good ol' e3c. it was good to be able to tell someone that i am from edmonton, and have them say "It's a shame about them oilers." it hurts... hahaha, but it was nice. it was nice to talk to someone who completely understands that i am having a hard time coping with things here and how i miss my friends at home like crazy! it was even more amazing when a girl i just met asked if she could pray for me, and then embraced me, and prayed God's blessing and direction over me. it was nice to have a speaker, who was a lady and who was from Canada. (who doesn't know what a blue box is?!?! apparently more than half the fellowship! haha )
but above all of that, i heard God's voice telling me to be patient. i heard Him calling me to be still and know that He is God, and that He is in control and there is not need for me to be freaking out. i hear Him calling to me to come to Him, and meet with Him, to seek Him first, and to spend time with Him. it was getting hard for me to hear God's voice, between the materialistic world of HK that i am in, and my longing for the familiar... i find myself lost in my own confusion and tangled in my own thoughts. i find myself talking to circles... oh i should go home... no i should give it some more time... no this is retarded i should go home... and it has been like this for days and days on end.
so, i will continue to be patient. i will continue to wait for God to show me His will for my life. in the mean time, i think i have found a church to worship, and a place for fellowship. :)
"Be still and know that I am God." where is this from?!?! i can't remember, but regardless, this verse just hit me today after i came home from fellowship today. fellowship was a complete blessing! i've been missing the familiar of that which is home. i miss the fellowshipping with my brothers and sisters in Christ. it has been awhile since i have felt safe and comfortable like i feel at good ol' e3c. it was good to be able to tell someone that i am from edmonton, and have them say "It's a shame about them oilers." it hurts... hahaha, but it was nice. it was nice to talk to someone who completely understands that i am having a hard time coping with things here and how i miss my friends at home like crazy! it was even more amazing when a girl i just met asked if she could pray for me, and then embraced me, and prayed God's blessing and direction over me. it was nice to have a speaker, who was a lady and who was from Canada. (who doesn't know what a blue box is?!?! apparently more than half the fellowship! haha )
but above all of that, i heard God's voice telling me to be patient. i heard Him calling me to be still and know that He is God, and that He is in control and there is not need for me to be freaking out. i hear Him calling to me to come to Him, and meet with Him, to seek Him first, and to spend time with Him. it was getting hard for me to hear God's voice, between the materialistic world of HK that i am in, and my longing for the familiar... i find myself lost in my own confusion and tangled in my own thoughts. i find myself talking to circles... oh i should go home... no i should give it some more time... no this is retarded i should go home... and it has been like this for days and days on end.
so, i will continue to be patient. i will continue to wait for God to show me His will for my life. in the mean time, i think i have found a church to worship, and a place for fellowship. :)
26 Aug 2006
sunburn on a cloudy day?!?!
i believe that pictures are pretty self-explanatory of what i did today.
so who knew that you could get sun-burned on a cloudy day!?!?! who knew you had to put on sunscreen even when there's no sun?!?!
so... i didn't obviously...and guess what the result was...
i knew i burned easily... just didn't know that easily! i mean come on! i survived the philippines without even getting darker! haha... but i didn't manage ocean park without a slight sun burn... how odd. :P
but i rode my first roller coaster ever! so proud! and it had THREE upside down loop thingys! yay!
BUT... i'm still terrified of them... and of heights!
oh on another side note... i think i might be coming home. no job as of yet. pray for direction! thanks!
23 Aug 2006
yet another referral...
ok... so i think i should probably figure out for myself once and for all if i want to stay or not. well... at least one good thing is that lady finally got back to me... and the earliest day i'd be starting work would be 9-11. so i finally got somewhat of an answer to that whole ordeal. and it's going to be even more temporary than before! so... i don't know, maybe i should just turn her down and head back to good ol' e-town. cause i did see this cool analyst job based in Calgary on the CaPS website the other day. we'll see, because my oh so brilliant father seems to have hooked me up once again with someone who knows someone who's hiring new grads or something. and so i gave her a call, and she said if i want something in the finance world, she might be able to hook me up. on the sadder side of things, i've applied for several jobs and received 2 rejections. haha.. maybe i should just stop bothering with this clown show of mine, and just admit my wrongs, and go back to Edmonton.
we'll see what happens. i did say i'd wait it out until mid-sept to see what happens. maybe between now and then, something will pop up. something that will allow me to gain more experience. and James Jordan is speaking at church on Sunday... so maybe that'll enlighten me some more. although he's talking about the father heart of God... should still be interesting. God can speak in many ways.
at least i finally finished that letter i've been meaning to write to the philippines. i hope they're not mad at me for not having written/texted in so long. why is it that they love to text each other?! oh wait, i think i already know the answer to that one. something about how it used to be free, so they just texted each other instead of calling. oh how i miss the philippines and the consumtion of mangos every day! maybe i should just move there instead. then it's neither edmonton or hk. just the philippines. wouldn't that be interesting? ok... but that was one really random thought. i don't think God has called me to return back there just yet. maybe in the future i can go back to visit.
so to end... i'm still unemployed and directionless! hahaha... i'm just turning into a huge coach potato... okay... so maybe i should go swimming or something... just so it'd be something to do... and maybe this way i can be darker. although i've kinda given up hope on ever being very dark at all. haha... :p
oh on a happier note. hannah called today. so i get to go to Ocean Park on Friday. yay for something to do! and a place to get dark! :)
we'll see what happens. i did say i'd wait it out until mid-sept to see what happens. maybe between now and then, something will pop up. something that will allow me to gain more experience. and James Jordan is speaking at church on Sunday... so maybe that'll enlighten me some more. although he's talking about the father heart of God... should still be interesting. God can speak in many ways.
at least i finally finished that letter i've been meaning to write to the philippines. i hope they're not mad at me for not having written/texted in so long. why is it that they love to text each other?! oh wait, i think i already know the answer to that one. something about how it used to be free, so they just texted each other instead of calling. oh how i miss the philippines and the consumtion of mangos every day! maybe i should just move there instead. then it's neither edmonton or hk. just the philippines. wouldn't that be interesting? ok... but that was one really random thought. i don't think God has called me to return back there just yet. maybe in the future i can go back to visit.
so to end... i'm still unemployed and directionless! hahaha... i'm just turning into a huge coach potato... okay... so maybe i should go swimming or something... just so it'd be something to do... and maybe this way i can be darker. although i've kinda given up hope on ever being very dark at all. haha... :p
oh on a happier note. hannah called today. so i get to go to Ocean Park on Friday. yay for something to do! and a place to get dark! :)
22 Aug 2006
consumed by frustration
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!! a job that was suppose to have started as early as 2 weeks ago is now... still unconfirmed. therefore, i am just a sitting duck... just sitting and waiting... and waiting and sitting... and i can't even go home because my ticket for august was last week... and it's next to impossible to get a seat in the next couple weeks.
i went to church on Sunday hoping that God would reveal himself some more... thinking maybe there He'll shine more direction on my life. haha... well, this is all i got. same thing that i've been hearing from God since before finals even began. to seek after God first, to serve Him first, and everything else will make sense. so this is where the frustration comes in! i seek God, i serve God... but yet I still feel like He hasn't shown me my direction. i followed His calling to the Philippines for a month, came back to HK... all because i felt that He has called me to do so. i get this indirect job offer... but yet it's not really working out.
i'm really torn right now. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to turn my back on God or anything, because God is still providing in so many strange and amazing ways. it is just simply in the area of my career path that is still a question mark... and i still don't feel like God has provided with any answers. to prove my point: i REALLY wanted to find tickets to the Phantom of the Opera that was playing in HK because I don't think I'll make it back to Edmonton in time for that one. but due to popular demand... tickets were all sold out. i was actually really disappointed. but the funny thing was this past sunday, they did this kind of send-off thing for this couple in the congregation. and the guy was actually a guy who was singing with the phantom of the opera and while they were visitng, they attended this church. sooooooooo, this guys sang for the congregation as a token of his appreciation or whatever, since it was their last sunday in town. THAT was pretty neat. i didn't get to see the actual production, but i guess this was God's way of making up for it.
soooooooooo... i'm frustrated because i'm impatient. but at the same time, i semi have this peace because i've seen the way God answers prayers and i've seen the way God provides. therefore, i'm not really freaking out. i'm just really frustrated out of my boredom! maybe God wants me to find a ministry to serve him in while i'm here. haha... noooooo idea! please continue to keep me in your prayers and keep me updated of the things at home! oh and thanks for those who have been my wall to bounce ideas of off, and those who have had to endure my ramblings from my frustration!
i guess the final update is this: if nothing works out here for me sometime next month... i could be home as early as late-sept or early oct. (we'll see, i still think God wants me to stick around for a lil' while)
i went to church on Sunday hoping that God would reveal himself some more... thinking maybe there He'll shine more direction on my life. haha... well, this is all i got. same thing that i've been hearing from God since before finals even began. to seek after God first, to serve Him first, and everything else will make sense. so this is where the frustration comes in! i seek God, i serve God... but yet I still feel like He hasn't shown me my direction. i followed His calling to the Philippines for a month, came back to HK... all because i felt that He has called me to do so. i get this indirect job offer... but yet it's not really working out.
i'm really torn right now. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to turn my back on God or anything, because God is still providing in so many strange and amazing ways. it is just simply in the area of my career path that is still a question mark... and i still don't feel like God has provided with any answers. to prove my point: i REALLY wanted to find tickets to the Phantom of the Opera that was playing in HK because I don't think I'll make it back to Edmonton in time for that one. but due to popular demand... tickets were all sold out. i was actually really disappointed. but the funny thing was this past sunday, they did this kind of send-off thing for this couple in the congregation. and the guy was actually a guy who was singing with the phantom of the opera and while they were visitng, they attended this church. sooooooooo, this guys sang for the congregation as a token of his appreciation or whatever, since it was their last sunday in town. THAT was pretty neat. i didn't get to see the actual production, but i guess this was God's way of making up for it.
soooooooooo... i'm frustrated because i'm impatient. but at the same time, i semi have this peace because i've seen the way God answers prayers and i've seen the way God provides. therefore, i'm not really freaking out. i'm just really frustrated out of my boredom! maybe God wants me to find a ministry to serve him in while i'm here. haha... noooooo idea! please continue to keep me in your prayers and keep me updated of the things at home! oh and thanks for those who have been my wall to bounce ideas of off, and those who have had to endure my ramblings from my frustration!
i guess the final update is this: if nothing works out here for me sometime next month... i could be home as early as late-sept or early oct. (we'll see, i still think God wants me to stick around for a lil' while)
14 Aug 2006
ladies nite.... :P
so... me and el went to ladies night in lan kwai fong the other night. very interesting... free drinks and free cover.... so i guess that makes it .... very very interesting. please remind me to never drink on an empty stomach! cause... well, i'm a cheap enough drunk as it is... that plus an empty stomach... NOT a good idea. but, i was less buzzed than i thought i would be on an empty stomach... so all is good. the music was a little bunk though... at least they did play SOME good songs, but those few didn't even add up to 50%... so hence... BAD music... and apparently, that's the club where the locals go... so another deduction there!
i just realized that i have a really bad tan line... yuck! i believe that is a new one... slightly built on top of the one from last summer. ahhh... one day at disney sea.... and this is what happens.... at least i didn't burn! so for that i'm grateful.
anyways... ladies night made me miss the girls! ahhh... iron horse and its pole... hahahhaa.... drinking with the girls.... some good times. but new friends are fun too... they make for the homesickness to be less so... and helps me to pass time much more quickly.
oh... haha... i got new glasses... and permed my hair again. but i think... it makes me look like a local... so i don't wear my glasses. haha :P hmm... oh we bought a new laptop... so now i can have internet... (if the laptop is positioned correctly...) maybe this will also help me pass time... OH and it's suppose to help aid me in finding a job faster... hahaha... hopefully.... it will fulfill both of its purposes! this new baby is soooo pretty! hahaha... but i miss my own laptop at home... i miss a lot of things at home... like my bed.... my closet.... my books.... my tv.... oh and of course.... MY FRIENDS! hahaha... but opportunities here seem too good to not give them a chance... so we'll definitely have to see what happens... and see where God directs. at this moment, i'm feeling i should stay here.
sorry for really rambly... and random blogs as of late... but just deal! haha... my mind's a jumble of thoughts!
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