update #2

Hey Everyone!

Wow, how time just flies! I’ve almost been here 2 weeks! So I guess, here I am with another update from the Philippines.

So… I’ve been teaching math every afternoon from 2 until 3. It’s been a crazy experience... haha, I guess those 6 years of working at Kumon are coming into use now! Trying to use those skills to help the kids learn multiplication and division with decimals. They’re getting better at multiplication, so now we’re working on division. Let’s just say, sometimes I have to fight the urge to not want to yell at them for counting their fingers! Cause when you’re trying to divide 56 into groups of 8… you don’t have enough fingers for that!!! And by the time you make enough ticks, you could have solved the question! But God has totally been providing patience, and I haven’t been mean to the kids yet!

Hmm… oh, last weekend, we took the kids to the beach. Half on Saturday, and the other half on Sunday. On Saturday, it was mainly the pre-school kids, and a couple of older ones to help take care of them. That was really fun! The kids were so excited! They weren’t suppose to go swimming, but they all ended up in the water anyways! And here’s the best part: I got to hang out with some of the high school students that were around. Since they go to school elsewhere, I don’t really get a chance to talk to them or anything. Sooooo… isn’t it amazing how a guitar can break the ice in any country? (Praise team I miss you!) Haha… but yah, the kids had a guitar… and they were singing songs that we normally sing, so I just joined in. I tried to teach them Now that You’re Near… but I couldn’t remember the chords… but before the end of the trip, I will teach it to them! But yes, now the high school kids just laugh at me everytime they see me. Oh, and that night, one of them (Mary-Ann) asked me if I wanted to help her lead worship for the kids’ devotion time! It was awesome! Praise God! (So answered prayer right there!) Beach on Sunday was about the same as it was on Saturday, but just with a different bunch of kids.

This morning, we got to go to the market. If you’ve ever been to a market in HK, you’ll know what I mean. They’re just missing the live chickens… or I just didn’t see any.

I’m starting to get to know the kids better, so they’re not so shy around me anymore. So that’s really fun! I’m learning more Tagalog, so the language barrier isn’t as bad as before. I can kinda understand them sometimes. Or they’re really good about teaching me new words, or trying to explain something through actions. But most of the time, it’s still just smiling, and playing with them. Well, playing games that don’t require talking anyways. Haha :) Jade taught them how to play thumb war, so they love to play that game!

So really, other than teaching, and helping to set up for lunch and dinner, there really isn’t much else I do around the children’s home. Sometimes, we travel around a little bit. We went to see the Volcano last week, and where their ministry was originally, before they moved to where they are now. (Because of the eruption in 1991.) And now they’ve rebuilt a church ontop of where the original church stood.

There is just way too much to squeeze onto one email. I’ve got lots of cool pictures that I can’t wait to show you guys and more stories to share! But things are going well, and I’m really enjoying everything! Thanks for all your prayers and encouragements! Write me and let me know how you guys are, and how I can pray for you. (Even though I don’t check my email very often.)

So, to finish off. A couple of things to pray for: my health (my stomach hasn’t been feeling well, it might be cause I’m not used to the food, or cause I’m still not sleeping very well. So pray for rest and better digestion or something. Haha) Another thing is that, someone asked me to do a talk for next week’s Chapel time for the kids. They haven’t said anything else about it, but if they still had that in mind, pray that God will give me the words and that He’ll be able to use me even though there is a language barrier. Pray that God will continue to open doors for me and all the people I come in contact with, and that He continues to use me to touch the people around me. :)

Until next time,

Cel :)

i'm off!

byebye! i'm off to the philippines!

see you all in 2 months! :)

thanks for all your guys' prayers and encouragements! you're the best!

wow... 664 students later... and like 50 billion pictures... and crazy blisters on my feet... university is truly over! i have my degree, and i have walked the stage, and shook the hands of important people at the u of a. 5 years of undergrad are finally over... and to show for that is my bachelor of science degree in mathematics and mathematical sciences!
i can't believe 5 years have gone by already! in 5 years, i've probably changed my mind like 5 times as to what i want to study. studied in almost every building there is at the university, taken almost every 100 level course that anyone can think of... met like a tonne of new friends in class... and now it's done. no more studying at rutherford, or "studying" in SUB... no more going upstairs of CAB to find my math/stat profs... no more travelling the pedways of ETLC and NREF... those were some good memories.
thanks for some crazy memories of the past 5 years! all the wasted time of walking around trying to figure out where to study. the all nighters that were pulled... or just THE ONE.... haha. crazy nasty stat assignments that require us to be in GSB for hours and days on end. well... i think all the crazy stupid memories are from the last 3 years. but good they were, and i probably won't ever forget! thanks for making it all so memorable!
i still can't believe that it's come to an end. now that it's over, i kinda wish that it wasn't. haha.. no... i'm glad school is over... no more assignments.... no more EXAMS! haha... praise God! because without Him watching over me, i probably wouldn't have made it! :)

if you're happy and you know it...

CLAP YOUR HANDS! (of course)

i am so happy right now! why? because God is awesome, and because of Him, i feel completely loved! a year ago, i never would have thought that i could feel this happy or free! the dark cloud that used to hang over my head no longer hangs there. the baggage that i carried is no longer on my back. God has broken through the dark clouds with His warmth, and He's taken my baggage for me!
why do i need to be anxious when God is in charge of everything for me? i don't! but letting go is the hard part. God had to chase me around for years before i would listen and let go and let Him take over. to let Him take my hand and lead me to where He wanted me to be. God had to go to great lengths to bring me back to where He wanted me to be. i had to learn the biggest lesson of my life before i would realize just how much i needed to let go. i had to loose everything before i learned that God was all that i needed.
in a couple more days, i will be in the philippines. i don't know why He's decided to send me there, but i'm sure that whatever the reason He has, it will be perfect for me! i'm excited to see how He's going to use me there. in a country where i'm apparently a popular target for kidnap... EEK! that's ok, i know that He'll take good care of me overseas. i know with certainty that i am suppose to go on this missions. regardless of where He had sent me, i am suppose to be on missions, and that is all that is important at the moment. it doesn't matter why i'm going there, the important thing is that i'm doing God's work, and i'm following His will for my life. i know that i need to do this for God, and for myself. if not these past couple months, i would not have been able to see just how God takes care of ALL the little details.
thanks for telling me that you've seen a difference. that has been the biggest encouragement that anyone could have given in the last little while. to know that the choice i made a year ago was not in vain. that i did not go through all the pain and trials to find myself in the same place. to see that God is real, and that He really does answer prayers. i know now that because of everything i've come out stronger. i'm no longer bitter, and slowly i'm learning to take down the wall around my heart, and to let others in. i no longer demand God for revenge. it no longer matters. what does matter is that i'm happy now. what matters now is that i've followed God, and He's leading to the philippines!

one last week...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm leaving for the Philippines in ONE week! Ok so praise items of this past week:
~ i FINALLY got my visa... it's kinda a funny story (just ask if you want to know)
~ i got all my shots and meds (don't play ball after getting needles...)
~ my dad and grandma got here safe and sound!
Thank-you soooo much to everyone who was praying for me, and thanks for the encouragement! I seriously was starting to freak out about that visa thing! But... it's just the packing, and the travelling left now pretty much. Well... I guess I still have to convocate on tuesday too. Oh, and I still need prayer support and financial support still. (haha... can't have enough prayer, right?)
Everytime I turn around and see how far God has carried me, and how much He has been providing for me, I can't help by be in complete awe of just how amazing God is! If it wasn't for Him, none of this would have been possible! I would not be going to the Philippines. I think this past week, in the midst of DOING everything, I've forgotten the REASON, and my FOCUS for everything. So, as things wind down, and I start packing, I need to get back into the Word, and get back to praying. Because, that is the only way I will be prepared. I can always do without certain items if I forget to pack them, but I cannot do without God!

*side note* if i EVER get the stupid idea of reformatting my comp and putting linux on it ever again, please slap me in the head or something! after a week of stupidity... i've realized that windows is my friend. :P

overwhelmed...

as i sit and think of everything that has fallen into place so nicely, i feel completely overwhelmed! what am i doing? am i doing the right thing? am i really suppose to go to the philippines? was it all in God's will for me, or was that all just in my head? why the philippines? why not elsewhere? maybe i was suppose to be elsewhere! the more overwhelmed i am, the more i wonder and the more i doubt.
in little over 2 weeks, i'm going to jump on a plane and go to the philippines! without prayer, none of this would have been possible! if it wasn't for God, i would never have had the courage to step up and answer this calling. i probably would have just tried harder to find a job, and started working. without God, the impossible would not have been made possible.
but in the midst of all the excitment of travelling overseas for missions, and being in awe of God's amazing power, i have to admit that i am a little sad. i'm sad that i've had to put everything on hold for this trip. i'm sad at what had to given up in order to make this possible. i'm only human, and i can't help wanting a job, and wanting to make money so i can start that comfortable lifestyle of a young professional. when i think in a worldly perspective, i can't help but want the things of the world, but when you think from God's perspective, those things once again become meaningless.
as the date of departure becomes closer and closer, i feel my nerves starting to kick in. i'm starting to get nervous. and feeling the need for prayer. prayer for all the preparations that still need to be done. prayer that i stay focused on God and that i continue to equip myself daily. prayer that God will calm my nerves.

rain, rain, go away...

~spring is here~
I know spring is here
Because I see the green grass
And the white pussy willows
I love the grass
It feels like pillows
I love the blossoms on the tree
And the time of spring
For you and me

haha, we wrote rain poems in grade 2, and then we compiled all of them together to make a book of rain poems. except, my english was so bad back then that my rain poem sucked, so my teacher had me use my spring poem instead. don't laugh too hard, but yes, i wrote that poem when i was in grade 2. ahh... oh how we all loved the rain when we were little. all the poems are about splashing around in the rain.
... that was my trip down memory lane.
anyways, so in the past weekend, it rained friday, saturday, monday, tuesday. and do you know how many times i got caught in the rain? 3 out of the 4 days! on friday when we came out from watching munich, it was POURING! so i had to run all the way to my car... getting wet in the process. saturday we needed to walk from murietta's to julio's on whyte ave. and of course, we had to finish dinner when it was raining the hardest! why we walked in the rain instead of taking the car, i have no idea! but i was SOAKED from head to toe! my pants were still wet when i got home!!! tuesday, when i came out of the clinic, it was raining. at least it wasn't raining hard, so i didn't get too wet on the way to the car. when we left costco, it wasn't raining, but by the time we got back to millwoods, it was raining harder. but that's ok, moving from car to car in the rain was nothing. but then when i came out from safeway, it started pouring buckets! but that wasn't even the worse part! the worse part was that i couldn't find my car!!!! so here i was running around the parking lot trying to find my car, while getting soaked in the mean time. by the time i found my car, i was pretty wet.
it's not so much that i don't like rain, because i love rain. i love being in the rain... and well, i love playing in the rain. (although everytime i say that, people give me funny looks.) i just don't like the feeling of sitting in wet clothes afterwards. maybe that's why i walked down whyte when it was raining so hard. it was just an excuse to be in the rain, and get wet. i've been wanting to stand in the rain for that long for awhile... and now i've finally done it! "let the rain fall down..." oops... that's Hilary Duff. but yes, the rain feels nice and refreshing. fun times in the rain.

mission: confirmed

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matt 6:33-34

if you were to tell me exactly one year ago that God will answer all my prayers and give me the desires of my heart i would have probably responded in one of two ways: a) laughed at you and told you no way! or b) tuned you out, while still giving you my "just smile and nod." there was no way that i'd believe that God would provide for me in all the ways He has provided for me in the past little while. i lived on the edge and i fell. at the bottom i wanted to give up, the climb up looked absolutely impossible! but i guess once again, God has shown that nothing is impossible with Him. everytime i got tired and didn't want to climb anymore, He provided rest and shelter, or He would just carry me. everytime i started to slip, He was right there holding out His hand, ready to pull me back up.
well God's answered my prayers, and has provided yet again. i've been officially accepted to go on my missions trip to the Philippines. i will leave in a month and be there for about a month. i am in complete of awe of God at the moment, because my answered prayers have surpassed my wildest imaginations! at first i was worried about what i would do between now and until mid July when i was expecting to leave for missions. then i wanted to stay longer and i didn't know if i would be able to. and then i knew that my relatives all really wanted to see me this summer, and with missions being smack dab in the middle of July, just when would i have time to stop by hk and come back to find a job (which is another worry all in itself.) so now i'm leaving a couple days after convocation, spending almost a month there, and there will be time to spend in hk, and be back before the end of august if i really want.
to add on top of what was already an awesome day, i have an interview for a job next week (we'll see what happens this time, i still can't start right away), and the OILERS WON! and we got to join in the celebrations on whyte ave when it happened! ("When has Edmonton ever been so friendly?")
i realize that lately i might have been sounding like a crazy bible-thumping-live-in-a-bubble-church-going-rule-keeping kinda girl. haha, please don't be mislead at all! i am in no way any of those things. well, i do go to church, but i don't bible thump, and i most certainly do not live in a bubble. in some ways, i may have seen more of the world, and broken more rules than you think. BUT i love God, and He has become the driving force of my life. without Him, i would not be where i am today, and therefore i am simply grateful for everything He has done for me.
so... I AM GOING TO THE PHILIPPINES...
and did i mention THE OILERS WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

old for new

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone; the new has come!" ~II Corinthians 5:17

have u ever heard the story of the Ragman? (read it!)

it was a story that i came across when i was going through my hard time awhile back. but for some reason, it's a story and verse that's sitting heavy on my heart right now. i feel God tugging at my heart to tell you that the past no longer matters because Christ has already taken it away. you have made a decision to run this race marked out for you by God. who runs a race looking backwards all the time?! we all know that to run a race properly we must face forwards, towards the end!
i'm not proud of my past, but i gave it all over to God, and he's given me a new life. i'm willing to make the choice to forget the old and to take on the new. the old was of my sinful nature while my new life is in Christ, so why hesitate? you may think that your past is too horrible, but maybe i will understand better than you know. maybe i will understand because i have been there too. but it's not my job to understand, that's God's job. He knows better than anyone else what we go through and what makes us tick. if it doesn't matter to God, why should it matter to anyone else? what is more important? what God thinks or what other people think?
let go and let God! when you let God take the driver seat of your life, He will open doors that you never thought possible. He will bring blessings that you never thought you could have! He will answer prayers in ways you could not have ever imagined! but in order to see the full power of God, you have to let go of yourself. God can't give you the new and better things, if you do not let go of the old things. don't be content with what you have now. let God give you what you could not even have thought for yourself!
i keep feeling God's tugging on my heart to let the old go and to receive the new. do you feel the same tugging? if you do, i hope you give God a chance or else you might miss out on His amazing blessings. let go and let God lead you. follow Him because He will never lead you towards harm, but only towards His wonderful plan for your life! i can say that because i decided to hang on for too long, i've missed out on a lot. but now, i'm making the choice to let go and move on. i'm giving God a chance to make my life what He wants it to be, to do what He wants me to be. because He's taken over, i trust that all He places in my life is good. i see that all my answered prayers have been in ways i could never have imagined for myself!

i've let go, the question is: can you?

one word: bebot

for everyone who has not seen the video, and that msn thingy don't work... so here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLUdlWaC8I

enjoy!

running my race...

i can't believe that LS spring retreat 2006 has come and gone already! amazing weekend. when God works, God truly works. first of all, having a lady speaker was the best thing ever! it's nice to hear talks from a female perspective instead of always hearing things from the male perspective. it touched at a whole new level that a male speaker would never be able to reach with us girls. although parts of her talks were huge kicks in the butt for me, they were good kicks. maybe a little too much relationship talk for my liking... but maybe god's trying to tell me something. haha
i loved how she talked about suffering and put her own experience of suffering into it. to share something so new, so fresh, and still a bleeding wound takes a lot of guts. its women like her that make me ashamed of myself for always hiding myself in the corner to nurse my wounds by myself. always keeping my most inner thoughts to myself, the most sensitive feelings inside where no one will ever see them. i told myself that i wasn't going to break out the water works this year at camp... but God completely stripped me of my pride and brought me to tears once again. (i guess i'm not dead on the inside after all!)
i don't even know how to describe just how wonderful God has been! He stripped me down to tears, but at the same time, He knew exactly what to bring to restore hope, and a smile on to my face. yes, they were tears of pain, of regret, and of shame, but he turned my mourning into joy. this weekend He's made me realize that i can no longer dwell on the past, but it's time that i moved on and accept His grace. there's no more need to stay in my suffering because He has called me from it. it i continue to dwell and buy into satan's lies that God will never forgive me, then it'll eventually cause me to walk away from this race. and i refuse to be the soil filled with thorns, where i'll turn my back on God when hardships hit. i choose to be the good fertile soil that will produce fruit.
God's filled my life with so many blessings, he keeps answering prayer after prayer in such big and unimaginable ways! He keeps filling my days with amazing blessings that i couldn't ever have imagined. I traded my sorrows and pains for the joy of the Lord. this is true genuine joy. not that plastered smile that i've been carrying around for so long, but a real one that comes from my heart. He's picked up the broken pieces of my heart and sewed them back together. He's stiched up my wounds and caused them to heal, He's stopped the bleeding and cleaned out the infection. so now, once again, i am able to stand up and run this race with my head held high.
it's been a hard year, but i made it! there are a few scratches here and there, but i'm still standing. thanks for all the prayers, encouragements, hugs, and listening ears! couldn't have done it without any of you, and most of all God! thanks for everyone who stepped in when it seemed the whole world had gone out!

it is finished!

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LAST FINAL EXAM HAS BEEN WRITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM DONE UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i need to concentrate on studying for FM in may.
oh application for missions is in. so once everything gets processed and they give me the a-ok, i'm off to the philippines for 2 weeks in july. haha... no more china. still an orphanage though, just in philippines instead of in china. i'm getting so excited for that!
PRAISE GOD!
LIFE IS AWESOME!
I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

That is one of my favourite verses of all time. It is my constant reminder that I can't do things on my own, or in my own way. I have to trust in the Lord, and trust that He is leading me in the right direction. How hard that is to grasp in the midst of final exams! 2 exams today... and 2 more left next week. I have never been so terrified of failing in my entire life. Before, it's always been... oh, well if things go badly, it's okay. But now, it will determine whether or not I can graduate or not!!! In the midst of my fears, I always forget to trust in God. I always rely on my own strength, and rely on my own efforts. But if I do no live according to God's will, then there's no purpose to my life. If I do not follow his calling, then I will wander aimlessly, and life will never be fulfilling in the way that He wants my life to be.
If I lean on my own understanding, I will most certainly fail in everything. If I do not depend on God, then I will surely fall into sin, and ultimately death. Only through God's grace and mercy can I live a new life that was bought for me by Jesus' blood on the cross. How can that no be motivation to do the right thing? But I know and understand that we are human. We all have our own temptations, and we all have our own private sins that we deal with in our own hearts. I also know that if do not rely on God's forgiveness and accept it, we will never repend truly, and we are never truly free. Trying to defeat closet monsters in your own life by yourself is never easy, and you will almost always fail. We were designed for fellowship with one another, and with Christ. Therefore, only through accountability through brothers and sisters in Christ and a relationship with Christ are we able to stand up to the things in our lives that tries to pull us down.
Exams are a hard time for anyone. Lack of sleep, (and lack of food for some) cause us all to be cranky, and hard to deal with. The stress from studying and the desire to do well cause us to be more high strung than normal, but don't lose sight of Christ in all this chaos. Focus on God even in the midst of your studies! Don't let the things of this world tear you away from the unconditional love that is found only in our heavenly Father.

true reflection...

ever looked in the mirror and not recognize the person starring back at you? ever not been able to face your own reflection because of the shame of what you have become? ever shut someone out because you don't like what they have to say? ever put down a book because the words pierced way too deep into your heart? ever cried your eyes out during a movie because the story hit too close to home? i guess its all a part of life, a part of growing up.
ever wish there were words you could take back? ever wish that there were words you would've said instead? ever wish there were things you'd never done? ever wish that you'd made a different choice? ever wish you could forget certain memories?
the past is the past, and none of us can go back in time to change anything. the only thing we can do is look ahead and continue living life as best as we could. i wish i could make you see what i have seen, and feel what i have felt. do you understand that you've let me down? i expected more from you, i expected better. but maybe you're not any better, and i was just living in my own lies.
we're all human, we all make mistakes. if we all hang on to every grudge, every resentment, every wrong that has been done to us, then life would be bitter. of course its much easier said than done. to truly let go takes a lot of self discipline. prayer does make it easier, but the prayer must come from your heart and not just performing lip service. people will always let us down, but God never will...
i'm not good at holding a grudge, but i'm not good at forgetting. it's not the people i hate, but the events themselves.

STOP.

please no more mind games. i don't think i can handle it. i know i said that i was fine, but truth be told, i don't think i am anymore. i was happy, genuinely happy, why couldn't you just leave me that way? why did you have to trample on my dreams? why did you have to turn everything upside down again?
i thought i could do this, but i can't. i can't pretend like everything is fine, there i said it, and i'm sorry. i was confident and secure, but now all the insecurities seem to have come back over night. i thought it was all over. but maybe it is, maybe i won't crumble. god, you won't let me fall, right? you have a reason for doing all this right?
i want to demand a reason, but i know i should not. i want to yell curses at you, but i know that it is wrong. i know it is only because i have placed my trust in you that trials became harder.
i'm scared... so please don't let go, not yet. i still need you to hold me a little longer. in the safety of your hand where you will protect me.
god, i'm terrified.

let the ball start running...

a little while back, i started feeling this tug in my heart for missions. as most people would agree, i'm quite a spoiled little girl. then i go to thinking that, i'm so fortunate for a reason, and i started to feel this passion to reach out to those who are less fortunate. to give up the comforts of home, and travel to where ever it is that God may call me to, and do to His wonderful work. so after much thought, and prayer, i finally decided to start talking to people about these crazy ideas that had started to form in my head. well, not crazy, but just these ideas. they didn't laugh at me, so that was a good sign, but encouraged me to really look into it, and to continue to pray about it.
this is the part where the story starts to get crazy. a couple weeks just before missions fest, i finally decided that i needed to go on missions this summer. when i decided this, it was still more like lip service, and i had the the attitude that "well, if someone were to fall into my lap God, then for sure, i'll go!" but i wasn't about to put any effort into looking things up, and finding a missions trip. then started the 3 weeks of mission sermons, to which one main thing stuck out: "if you've been called, you better get off you bum and go!" so finally, i couldn't turn off that voice in my head no longer, i couldn't ignore that tugging on my heart anymore, i had to do something about this. so, i got off my lazy bum and went to missions fest to check out the booths, to see if i could find any mission trips to go on. at the first booth i stopped at, the man just started talking to me, and then he started to pray for me, right then and there! that was scary! but i think it only comfirmed the calling even more.
after that, i went home and thought long and hard about missions. i decided, it didn't matter where He called me to, i will go. then i had this idea that i really wanted to go on missions to help at an orphanage or something. the very next morning, i ran into YY at church and started talking to her about missions and about the orphanage idea. to which she tells me she has a friend in China who is actually working in an orphanage and that she was planning to visit her this summer! so she agreed to talk to her friend for me and see of there was anyhing i could do there.
next i go talk to uncle charles about it... i found nothing about orphanges at missions fest, but he did. he ended up bumping into a man, who runs orphanages in China.
i finally pushed my fears aside, and got into contact with him, and he's replied with several ways in which i can get involved with orphanages in China. so the ball has started rolling, and there's no way to back out now. if all things work out, i could be heading there in a couple of months.
this all started with a hunch that i should go on missions. and now... all of these things are just... coming together in such a strange way that there is no denying that God is behind it all.
(the story sounds a lot more exciting in person.)
God is amazing. He alone started this whole thing, and I have faith that He's going to take me all the way through until the end. He got me through the last 5 years of school, the least i could do is give this small amount of time back to Him. so i will put my career pursuit on hold, and pursue first the passion that God has placed in my heart. i trust that He'll take care of everything, even provide me with a job after all this, if it's His plan for me. :)

like being run over by a truck...

maybe it was because i actually ran into someone on the court while playing basketball tonight... oops. no, just joking, that was more like running into a wall.

never sweep things under the rug and pretend like they're forgotten. it never works. in the end, it simply comes back to haunt you 10 times worse than before. or maybe simply, it was never swept under the rug at all. simply put into the shadowy corners of my life, just outta sight so as not to be significant, but in sight enough to not let you forget. sometimes, memories just seem to have a life of its own. when you least expect it, it'll hit you so hard, its like being hit by a truck. the overwhelming feeling of forgotten memories rushing into your mind. i thought i would faint on the court. (never good to be in a daze when playing ball... hence bad things happen.)
broken promises, misplaced trust, broken relationship, hurt feelings, angry words, hurting words, unforgiveness, hatred, tears, nausea, pain, lost, grief, loneliness, lost dreams... then it hit me full force, the truth. the forgiveness has been given, but i still long for the words "i'm sorry." i gave God my anger, my pain, my hatred, i traded it all for His peace, joy, and love. i handed Him my unforgiving heart, and in return He gave me one filled with forgiveness. but my pride tugs at my heart. i want "i'm sorry." that is all. knowledge and understanding that the pain was real, that the memories are real. i'm tired of feeling like it was all my fault. just release me, please.
today the memories haunt. not the good ones, but the bad ones. i don't hope that the memories haunt you, because you wouldn't understand, you don't have those memories, you were never there...
i want "i'm sorry," because you were never there...
the truth: you were never there...
it hit me like a truck at full speed.

untitled

~i said i'd finish the song, and i did.~

Late at night
When all the world is sleeping
I lie awake
And I think of all You've done
How you took away my sins
By Your grace and Your mercy
You washed me white as snow
And called me Your own

So I cry
Adonai of all the earth I praise You
Adonai of all the earth I praise You

tinted lenses

do not sit there with your tinted lenses on and pass judgement on me. do not compare me to yourself and tell me that you are better than me. what gives you the right to tell me what it is that you think i need? who are you to tell me that my life is worthless? just because you have never seen the things i have seen, or done the things i have done does not make you better than me. just because you don't understand does not make it wrong.
all people behind their tinted lenses see is that we are unworthy, we are not like the others. you do not have to condemn us just because we have made poor choices in the past. do not look at me like i am a criminal! i am not a maniac, and i definitely am not crazy! i do not need psychiatric help, i do not need drugs. i do not need your judegement, or your so-called advice.
those tinted lenses have got you thinking that you're perfect, that you're better than people like me. they make you believe that we need YOU to "save" us. they make you believe that it is your job to jam bible scripture down our throats, and tell us where we do not measure up.
well, here's my advice for you. take off those tinted lenses and see us as we are. we are humans just like you. we are all made in God's image, just like you. maybe this way, you'll see the hurt in our eyes, the hopelessness in your actions, the cry for love in our tears. maybe if you saw us for the humans we are, you'll realize that you are no better than we are, and that judgement and condemnation will not help.
i'm not interested in having bible verses thrown at me, i could throw another bunch right back at you. but i choose not to. i'll admit that i'm imperfect, and that i am only human. i realize that i will never be perfect, but it is not your books that i need to measure up to, but to God's. He knows the guilt and the shame i feel. He knows the about the regret, He knows and understand that i am only human, but yet he still showers me with love.
i don't know. maybe you don't understand, the pain, or the regret, but that's not your job to understand. it is not sympathy i seek, but true fellowship, and love. i don't need judgement or advice, you simply need to take off those tinted lenses and listen with your heart, and treat me as a human being created equal to you in God's image, JUST LIKE YOU....

happy reading week!

happy reading to everyone's who's reading weeks have ACTUALLY started. as for me, who should be enjoying my last reading week ever... i'm stuck studying for my SOA exam on tuesday! what a way to spend my long weekend. instead of spending the family long weekend on the annual ski trip boarding at Marmot... i will continue to spend my days and nights in the wonderful buildings of ETLC or NREF studying! do i ever leave those buildings? haha... doesn't seem like i ever do!
well, to those who DO get to spend this wonderful weekend in the mountains, do play safe! and enjoy... haha don't miss me too much! j/k
but honestly, i'm terrified for this exam! haha, i joke and complain about it being during reading week. haha... but this exam will be determine whether i can start applying for jobs, and let me know if this is the right career choice for me! so really, i'm scared! i want to do well, i REALLY want to pass! i truly believe that God's placed this in my life for a reason, and i just feel that this is what i'm suppose to be doing. he didn't make me do a 180 degree turn from natural sciences to land myself in mathematica & statistical sciences for no reason, and i believe that with every ounce of me.
and given how un-wonderfully i have been doing on my midterms this week... i'm scared it'll reflect onto this exam! ahhhhhhhhhhh.... countdown is 3 days... and i have about 200 practice questions i need to get through before then. and about a billion distribution fomulas to cram into my head!!! so lovely ppl who read my blog, please pray for me! pray for peace, and pray for the discipline to study while everyone else is off playing! please and thanks! i love u all!