Hello Edmonton... we meet again.

So my meeting up with people from Edmonton continues today. 'Twas another interesting night of chatting with an old friend, finding out about what she's been up to, as well as what others in Edmonton have been up to. She is now the Petros counsellor to the girls I used to teach in Team KID, now run as AWANA. I can't believe they are now in grade 11! The last time I taught them... I swear they were still in grade 4... has it really been 7 years? Perhaps... This is the grade of kids whom I used to go visit in the nursery back in the day. I would go by the nursery, take them out for a walk around the church... and then bring them back... or I would just stand in front of the nursery making faces at the babies inside... THESE are the kids which are now in grade 11... goodness gracious, where has the time gone? For me, a lot of them are frozen in the time when I used to team them in Team KID... cause that was the last time I taught some of them. 


That was realization number 1... the next one is... how much I really am honorary '87... which all started as being called honorary first year... but most of the 87's are now graduated and working... or doing various other things... we cannot go by university year anymore... hahaha... so I deem myself honorary '87. Good times! I still talk to a good number of them, and LOVE talking to them, so it's always fun to catch up with one of them! :)


I'm really starting to enjoy nights like this... where I can spread my Edmonton wings and let them stretch. This is good... because that means I'm accepting that part of my life and embracing it into all that I have become now. This is fun now! Perhaps a part of it is simply catching up with people and finding out what they have been up to! I love talking to people who share my thoughts and views on certain things... and even more fun when they're teaching them to the girls that you used to teach and pray for! LOVES IT!!! There is a part of me that wishes that I had been around to watch those girls grow up... to still be a Petros counselor so that I could be there when they had arrived into Petros... but that is not to be. God had other plans for me. I actually used to dream about that... about following my girls all the way from kindergarten up to high school... what impact would that have on the girls? Well... I'll never know. But sometimes it's fun to think like that. 


On a different note... someone broke into our office during the Mid-Autumn festival holiday... whoever it was... wasn't the smartest of thieves... or has a grudge against the Education office... cause it wasn't like they took too many valuable things... other than a couple thousand dollars in petty cash and a laptop. They could've at least taken my computer and monitor as well or something... but NO... they only took my mouse and keyboard, and my duck!!! They stole my duck which Sky and RQ gave me to cheer me up at work!! BWAR!!!! That makes me so upset... and they took my iphone cable... and a really old camera that belongs to work. My poor duck... I hope they are at least treating you well. They also stole various other toys off my coworker's desk. So sad.... and I had make sure to clean off everything off my desk this morning to make sure all the glass was cleared up as they had broken in through the window above my desk! Why would anyone rob an NGO that's trying to help people?!??! That.. I don't know if we'll ever find the answer to. 


It has been a very long and interesting day... and I think I shall sign off on that. Oh... I forgot, I've decided that before this year (2011) ends, I will complete reading the Bible from cover to cover... so I shall start the Bible in 90 days reading plan! Anyone else wanna join me?! I think I'll use this blog to keep me accountable... hahaha... I have a bit more than 90 days before this month ends... so that leaves me some room to stretch! I'm excited... speak God speak! :)


And I'm outs... til next time! I love you! :)

This is me!

So last night I went to Will and Karen's HK wedding banquet... here in HK obviously! (So happy for them!!!) While I was there, I had the oddest mixture of my Edmonton life and my HK life. I thought the whole uncle Alan incident at 180 a couple of months ago was strange, but I think this was even more so. Let me try to put the weirdness into words.

I was physically sitting in Hong Kong, everything around me was telling me that, from the banquet hall, to the people sitting at my table, to the phone I was holding in my hand... I was very clear that I was physically in Hong Kong. Yet, all the pictures and scenes that were showing up on the screen were of my life in Edmonton. I was emotionally and mentally in Edmonton. For the past little while, I've actually been feeling like this. Physically in Hong Kong but emotionally and mentally in Edmonton...

Last night, all that I had been feeling and thinking became something that wasn't just in my head, but it was made real. At first it felt so strange because I was so confused as to where I was and what was going on... but it felt kinda cool after awhile. This should be a reality that people can see, because this is who I am. Everything in the physical was a part of who I am now, and everything on the screen is also a part of who I am... all of those years in Edmonton shaped a lot of who I am today, I can't ignore that.

So as strange as last night was, it confirmed that what God had been speaking was true. That my old self and current self needs to be reconiled together. As my mind began to replay all the memories from high school and university... the most shaping years of my life, I felt that I was okay. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset, I wasn't yearning to bury it all and pretend like those years never happened. I was grounded in knowing that was my past, and this around me was who I am now. I could embrace all that WAS me into who I am NOW!

Still learning a lot, but praise God for coming through and using the oddest of situations to make me see that He IS working in my life!

Anyways, back to the wedding! So happy for Karen and Will... for 2 people who walked with me through some of the hardest years of my life, and whom I got to walk with through some of their interesting times as well... I am sooo happy and excited to get to share and witness this moment with them in Hong Kong. I am a bit sad that I missed the actual wedding ceremony, but it was nice to get to share in their moment of celebration in HK... surrounded by random random HK aquaintances. hahahahaha... :P

None of this will really make sense...

So yesterday... I woke up with an upset stomach, and decided to take the day off. But by lunch, I actually felt quite fine. So I decided to go up to Elim (which was right upstairs from my doctor's office) to check if there were still tickets for the afternoon session at the Kingdom Culture Conference. There were... so I decided to go and check it out. I think God blessed me with a sick stomach so I could get out of work.. to spend some time in His presense at the conference... despite the fact that I was a brat pretty much throughout the whole day!

I will say this very honestly, I tuned out within the first 10 mins... after he started talking about how God took woman out of man, so from 1 he made 2... so to be complete man and woman must come together to become 1 again through marriage... and yes, I totally tuned out! I also walked out of the afternoon session early... and thinking about how thankful I was to God... but I didn't want to be thankful about what He was making me thankful for! He was reminding of all the reasons of why I should be thankful for someone... and let's just leave it as... at this particular moment... that is the last person I want to be thankful for... yes because I am stubborn and being a brat about life.

Then... it wasn't even until the very end of the evening session when God reminded me of something that he spoke about a couple of weeks ago... about the verse in Ecclesiastes where God has placed eternity on our hearts... seriously... all I could think of was "God, you suck today!" My heart was hurting so much... yet there was still so much joy and hope in me... I can't even explain it. Somedays I just feel like I've got split personality or something. *sigh*

God is doing a lot for me at the moment... everyday God confirms that this is what He had intended for me. I have decided to stay at my work, and stay in Hong Kong to do my Masters in Social Work... and at work, we have just hired a full time registered social worker. She's got plenty of experience, and is very keen and eager to help and answer any questions I might have from my studies... it's like a personal mentor/tutor without even asking... How can I say that my God doesn't care about me?! This is one of the many reasons for why I am in a constant awe of my Father in heaven.

Yet my heart is hurting because I'm surrounded by a lot of hurting people. At work, I daily see injustice, or remnants of it on the faces that I see. I see people who are just plain hurting for whatever reasons... and it makes my heart hurt for them. I am also hurting myself as God continues to chip away at things he wants to remove from my heart... I've been seeing a lot of stuff... and I am in need of God time to just sit and process and sift through what is of God and what is not.

Aside from all this, I was talking to a friend about cars today... I love to talk about cars. Hahaha... and was told that Volvo would stop producing the S40 by the end of this year. I am absolutely speechless. Click here to see why I am speechless. hahahaha... Ok...that is all I will say about this.

Happily Ever After...

I really love fairy tales... even now I love them. The stories where good always triumphs over evil, and the heroine marries her knight in shining armour and they live happily ever after. Which girl's heart does that not tug at. I've had my days when I too dreamed that prince charming would come riding through all the crap in my life, sweep me off my feet and we'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

Then one day, the world slaps me in the face and tells me to wake up to reality. Happily ever after doesn't happen in real life, these are just stories. How depressing is that?! (But yet the keep making chick flicks which appeal to this in all girls... hahaha... I feel so cheated!)

But you know what, we as Christians definitely get to live happily ever after! Just read the last chapter of revelations where it talks about Jesus coming back for His bride, which is us, and that there "He will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain." Sure, the world might not give me a happily ever after ending with a prince charming, but God will! So POOP on the world for telling me to give up my dream of happily ever after, I'm clinging onto it with eternity in mind! Because that's gonna be the most awesome happy ending that can ever be promised! A wedding in heaven with Jesus and we truly will live happily ever after in the presense of God!

I found this thought provoking...

Put Strong Pillars Under Your Case for the Unbelieving Poor:

I only bring this up because I want the church to care more not less about the suffering that comes from poverty. Christians care about all suffering, especially eternal suffering. And “all suffering” includes the miseries of unbelievers who live in extreme poverty.


This is a cause that should have the best biblical pillars under it. When the wrong pillars are put there, the cause is weakened, even if many listeners don’t know they are the wrong pillars, and even if the wrong pillars are emotionally gripping.


It doesn’t help this cause to use biblical pillars that are designed to motivate mercy for suffering believers. Three typically misplaced pillars of this sort are:

Matthew 25:40 — "And the King will answer them, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.”


1 John 3:17–18 — "If anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."


James 2:15–16 — "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that'?"

These are strong pillars for caring for believers in need. And we should do more of it.


But the wealth of biblical pillars for caring for unbelievers in need is so great, why would we weaken our case by using wrong pillars?

Luke 6:27–31 — Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. . . . Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.


Matthew 7:12 — Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.


Matthew 5:16 — In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.


Luke 10:25-37 (The parable of the Good Samaritan) — “Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”


Galatians 6:10 — As we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.


1 Thessalonians 5:15 — See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.

This is a plea for the sake of the unbelieving, suffering poor. They should have better than bad arguments. Don’t defend them with careless exegesis. Don’t support them with pillars that cannot hold. Give them your best defense.


________


Recent posts from John Piper —

• A 30-Year-Old Dream I Have Outlived By One Year
• J. C. Ryle, Holiness, and Bible Density
• The Bible Is Infinitely Valuable

I'm back!

I have returned from my 10 day trip of romping about in Malaysia. Completed my PADI Open Water course, and can now dive up to depths of 18 meters. I came back relatively unskived... minus my scratched up knee from hitting coral and then again from pk-ing whilst walking on land... (apparently I know not how to walk in flip flops...) throw in some intense heat rash.... for which I am now on medication! What a trip! Bodily harm aside... it was a good trip. Soaked up plently of sun (hence the heat/sun rash), and drank in lots of sea water (thanks to "mask flood and clear" - divers will understand what I am talking about)... ate some good food, and came back with lots of things to talk and laugh about, not to mention hundreds of pictures which I now need to go through so I can post some for all you lovely people to see! :)

Regardless of all that, the most important part of it was my conquering of fears. I'm terrified of water... not to the point where I won't touch water or go near water, but I prefer to be in bodies of water where... basically I know I can touch the ground. So swimming in deep water (ie out into the ocean)... not at the top of my favourite things to do if you know what I mean! So why would a girl who is terrified of deep water, doesn't swim well, and has never even been snorkelling want to go and get her Scuba license? Hahaha... that is a very very excellent question! A very honest answer, I don't know. Perhaps I needed to stop letting my fears run my life... and this was my way of making that statement.

I don't lie... it was scary! I had my moments... and almost wanted to drop out and not finish the course! Which all resulted in me having to go for my first dive with the course instructor by myself at 8 in the morning, while the rest of the group got to sleep in and do theirs at 11... BUT it was worth it, and I am glad that I pushed through and finished the course. God's creation underwater is just as amazing as His creation on land... and I'm glad that I got the opportunity to see that for myself. I probably shouldn't have challeneged God by asking "Do I really trust Him?" Cause that's how I felt... being underwater is definitely not something that I find comfortable.... did I really trust that while I am there that no harm would come to me? I don't really know... probably not completely. It's just a scary place for me... and a fear that I can't explain in words! I'm not really scared that something is going to jump out and eat me... nor is it quite just the vast blue open space that is before me that makes me panic... there's just something about all of it that scares me... But the fear itself is not important.... the main point is that God is bigger than those fears... and perfect love (that's God, in case your're wondering) drives out fear! Thank-you God!

I'm totally just rambling now. So... I'll stop! Main point, I finished my PADI Open Water Diving Course... resulting in me conquering a major fear. :) All glory to God, because it wasn't me... it was all Him! I would've given up had it not been for God!

No answer... but God, your will be done?

If you knew someone was gonna have an abortion because the baby was a threat to the mother's health... how would you respond?

This is the one question that leaves me just so confused over this topic. On one hand I want to say that my God is good, have faith, keep the baby and watch God work a miracle. I know someone who is a testament of that sort of faith... they are alive and well as is their mom...

So so so many varying factors that could make this situation so so so complicated. That's why Pro-choice and pro-life debates is not a right vs wrong debate... it's not a christian vs non-christian debate. Do you really believe that there is one RIGHT answer that can be tacked on to every decision? I see situations like the above and I cannot say that one side has the answer over the other.

Would it be so wrong and cliche to simply pray "Your will be done" in this situation? Cause right now that would be my only answer in this situation. *sigh*

Will We Protect the Little Ones?

Will We Protect the Little Ones?: "

Consider the following about babies with Down syndrome:

• Of women who choose to have prenatal testing, approximately 90% of those who discover their child has Down syndrome choose to abort.



• Two companies are racing to provide new prenatal diagnostic tests that could detect Down syndrome as early as the ninth week of pregnancy, without the dangers of current tests.



• The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists expanded the clinical standard of care to include giving all women regardless of age the opportunity for Down syndrome screening.



• We are already seeing a decline in the number of children with Down syndrome being born.



• Women routinely report that doctors paint a negative, inaccurate picture of the quality of lives of children with Down syndrome and their families.

Our Culture Is Against Them

Prenatal tests are not the problem. The problem is the bias of our culture against the lives of little ones born with Down syndrome. Our culture does not think that these littles ones should be given the opportunity to live.

And there is no neutral ground on this issue: you are either doing something to protect the lives of unborn babies with disabilities or you are letting the culture pressure parents about what they 'should do.'

You Can Help

Developing programs is helpful, but it does not need to be complicated to get started. You can begin by consistently affirming that God is in control and every life matters. Just last week a dad stood up in a seminar and told the group that it was the strong pro-life message of his church that gave him the conviction needed to welcome his unborn child with Down syndrome into his family.

Earlier this year I met a young couple who, radiating the love of Jesus, told us the story of how their small church — less than 100 people — surrounded them with prayer and love and persistent presence when their baby girl with Down syndrome was born.

Church, please, trust God and pursue the good of these little ones, for his glory and for your good. Soak in God’s word and embrace his sovereignty over all things before the challenge comes:

• He knits little babies with genetic anomalies together (Psalm 139:13-16).



• He will never leave us or forsake us; “The Lord is my helper” (Hebrews 13:5-6).



• He will supply every need (Philippians 4:19).



• He is “righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works” (Psalm 145:17).



• He is purposeful in hard things like disability, and that purpose is glorious: For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

Resources

For how to talk about disability, abortion, and the sovereignty of God, I recommend Pastor John's sermon, Born Blind for the Glory of God. For an example of how this issue is woven into other topics, see the blog post, The Inevitability of “Gendercide” and Its Other Deadly Effects.

________

Recent posts from 'The Works of God' —

• Our Weakness and God's Strength: Disability Ministry in the Local Church



• How Do We Know the Words to Speak?



• Disability Helps Protect the Church from Lukewarmness

"

A NEW season!!!

This is the verse that God gave me yesterday whilst at Plus:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ... I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him." (Ecclesiastes 3: 11, 14)

We spent time talking about our passions and then praying into them for each other. Wow... it was absolutely amazing! Thank-you God for moving in Plus, and for the walls that I see coming down, and the bridges of relationships being built amongst the members. It has been such a beautiful sight! This verse was a reminder that things are made beautiful "in its time"... not when I want or desire, but when God deems that it is the correct time. Such a good reminder of God's sovereignty.

Bringing this a little closer to home... this verse just spoke so personally into my heart as well. I feel like God gave me His words to explain how I've been feeling. I know that everything is perfect when it happens in God's time and in His way, but I love how it says it here that "He has made everything beautiful in its time." I know and understand that everything in my life at the moment is as it should be, and it is beautiful... it's hard to say that my painful times and circumstances are beautiful, but in my heart I know that they are. (Is that too much crazy talk?) I still don't understand everything has happened or is happening, but that is ok.

At the end of it, I know that what is of God will stand firm until the end of time. I'll be honest, this has been a hard one to hang onto, and to keep holding on to lately. God has promised so much... so much greatness has been spoken over my life, so so much... yet I still feel like I am in the same place. Perhaps that was why I had tried so hard to go to Cambodia.. :P When I don't see these words coming to alive... I start to doubt and my faith wavers. In the midst of my frustrations and doubting, God spoke all His promises over me again. So... the things of God... they don't go away. They really don't... and it's good!

I am going back to school in September to do my masters degree in social work... this is finally happening in His time and in His way... and it is good. God reminded me of why He wants me to do this... the people He wishes for me to reach out to... and with His blessings I go back to school to equip and prepare for the places and people He will eventually send me out to. As much as I want to go now, I will a much a efficient tool for Him if I remain obedient and do what He has placed in front of me for the time being.

I'm less scared thanks to the prayers of new friends from California :)... and starting to get excited about this new season that I am about to embark on! Even if I start pissing my pants, be it from excitement or fear, God's gonna carry me into this new season... and He's not letting me off. Hahahaha..  that's reassuring, because I don't think I can do this alone!

There’s Staggering Glory in Your Story

This is good! We are ALL miracles! :)

There’s Staggering Glory in Your Story: "

Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created (Revelation 4:11).

The story behind your existence is wilder than any story humans have imagined. Have you ever thought about it?

Statistically speaking, you should not exist. How unlikely was it that your parents ever met? And even when they came together you were just an argument or headache or television show or phone call away from never being conceived.

Multiply those by millions of converging conversations and glances and illnesses and books and storms and dreams and travels and schools and wars and ambitions and sorrows throughout human history that had they been altered just slightly, you would not be.

And nothing that happens to you today is really ordinary. Every small and great thing you encounter or do has millions of stories behind it that are so enthralling that you would sit dumbstruck for days just to learn about them.

And your extraordinary life is shaping and being shaped by many other lives, human and non-human, as it goes along. In ways both witting and unwitting your words and actions are influencing the course of other lives. Your choice of a parking spot could have a life-altering effect on someone else.

Do not let a belief in the sovereignty of God dull your amazement over this. Let it add, not detract, from your wonder! Just think of how God designed his creation to occur.

15 million birch tree seeds in a season might produce a tree or two. A few hundred ova and a few billion sperm might produce a few children over the course of a marriage. Some 200 billion galaxies and more than 70 sextillion stars might produce a planet that sustains life, not to mention incomprehensively complex, marvelous, conscious beings who can contemplate the glory of such improbabilities.

Some look at creation and see meaningless randomness and natural selection. What do you see? Do you see the staggering glory of divine selection (election) out of all the possibilities? And all that glory before we even get to the most glorious story: redemption!

You live in a universe that is filled with trillions, septillions, bazillions of creations, some incomprehensibly huge and others inconceivably small. And each one, like you, so unlikely, so improbable as to be miracles, whose very existence would cause each of us to exclaim in worship: “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created!”

If we just stopped long enough to look.

________

Recent posts from Jon Bloom —

• I Wish I Had a Child Like You



• The Mosque on the Mount



• We Destroy Arguments

"

God Math...

So I have decided that my math degree is completely useless when it comes to understanding and doing Kingdom math. Which is OK!

I used to think in terms of +1 for God... 0 for me... but the other way as I was walking home, it suddenly dawned on me. +1 for God is like +100 for me no matter how much I don't see it at the time. When God wins, I win. Okay... maybe not +100, but for sure +1 instead of 0. It is not Me vs God, but me AND God. We are in relationship, and we are on the same team.

God took me out of my element yesterday, yet at the same time I have never felt so at ease and confident... It was one of my "God, what are you doing?!!?" kinda days... but as God won in my life, I was winning as well, so that is a-ok!

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice." ~ Philippians 4:4

That's the verse of the day... hahaha, and I am definitely rejoicing and laughing with my God. he is good! +1 for team God! :)

Let Jesus Argue With Your Soul About Being Anxious

Let Jesus Argue With Your Soul About Being Anxious: "

We should be slow to treat Jesus as if he doesn’t know what he is doing. He is not naïve in the way he deals with our anxiety. In Matthew 6:25-34 he tells us three times not to be anxious (vv. 25, 31, 34) and gives us eight reasons not to be anxious.

Evidently he thinks this will help. So don’t call it simplistic. Call it grace. Believe him. Take every reason and preach it to your soul as true. Say,

Soul, this is true. Jesus Christ says so. Trust him. He died for you. He loves you. He created you. He knows you. No one — no counselor, no pastor, no friend — knows as much about you as he does. Listen to him. Let these reasons sink in. Bank on them. Now, let’s get up and do what we need to do. Be gone anxiety.

Here’s a summary of what he said:

1. Life is more than food and the body more than clothing (Matthew 6:25).



2. God feeds the birds and you are more valuable than they are (Matthew 6:26).



3. It's pointless. It adds not one hour to your life (Matthew 6:27).



4. If God clothes ephemeral grass, he will clothe eternal you (Matthew 6:28-30).



5. Unbelievers are anxious about stuff. And you are not an unbeliever (Matthew 6:32a).



6. Your father (!) knows that you need all these things you're anxious about (Matthew 6:32b).



7. When you seek first God's kingdom and righteousness, what you need is added to you.



8. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Tomorrow's trouble stays there (Matthew 6:34).

________

Recent posts from John Piper —

• How Do the Nations Rage in Vain?



• How Do I Think Tweeting? — A Response to John Mayer



• What Does It Mean to Serve God?

"

Walking towards the promise land... chi seen!

"The place of your greatest pain is the place of your greatest potential and greatest anointing."

I'll be honest, I've been doubting this road that God has placed me on, so hearing that was a huge encouragement for me. It's been over 2 years since I've started on this road... since God started to beckon closer towards Him, and further away from what I had thought my life would be. I have started to wonder if I had done the right thing 2 years ago, or if I have just been acting on a "spiritual high" moment. 

I've been reminded that sharing my story and facing my past was not a mistake. That act humilty allowed God to open more doors in my life, and allowed for more of Him to be revealed to me. That wasn't a mistake. I didn't change course because of a "spiritual high" I felt after some sort of camp or revival meeting. It was a decision that came out of meeting God face-to-face on my knees... In that secret place, God met with me, and called me, and I could not walk away. 

I've been encouraged this weekend. This is all really happening... God said go to school, I am going to school! It didn't happen in the way or time that I had expected, but it's happening! I am doing what God wants me to do, He is opening doors left and right... He is confirming this over and over again... and I am completely overwhelmed at His love for me. I have no idea what this will all look like, and how this will all pan out, but I know that I am walking in the right direction... and that my passions and dreams are aligned with God's heart... and this is gonna be CRAZY!

The calm before the storm...

I wrote these words over 6 years ago... the night before I found out. 

Ok God, so I went to the doctor's today. Honestly, I'm terrified to receive that phone call tomorrow and what the doctor has to say. But you've given this peace, that seems to constantly remind me to stay focused on you and not on my fears. "Submit yourself then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." ~ James 4:7. It's been awhile since I've meditated on your word and memorized it like that. I'm so sorry for that. I've realized just how far away I have pushed you these past couple years. Instead of having you as my driving force, I have turned to other things. In situations when I should've ran to you, I ran to others, or to other things. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation the old has done the new has come." ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17. It's a good reminder that if I've decided to put you first, that I am renewed. The past cannot bother me, because you have given me new hope, new joy, new direction. God, I just pray that you'll continue to help me get through all the garbage in my life. I want to live a life that is pleasing to you. Praise God, I can feel myself starting to get better slowly. I still have no appetite, but the belching has done down and I was able to poo today. God, just help me through my exam tomorrow and give me energy to continue studying afterwards for my last exam on Thursday. Help me to not be anxious. And remind me once again to stay focused on you all day! 

The next morning when the phone rang... my life would change forever. 

Who's the forgotten one?

I may or may not have been complaining and wondering if God had forgotten about me this past Saturday... today when I was reading my google reader... this was the verse of the day on Saturday from the ESV...

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." ~ Luke 12: 6-7

Oh God, you make it so hard for me to be angry and whiny with you. :)

self-esteem 101

side rant before I begin: I have no idea what FB is doing with my blog import... but in one day, they imported the last 2 months worth of blogs. is this punishment for not going on their site for 2 months?! hahaha... dunno. rant over... less of a rant, was just curious what that was all about.

self-esteem (according to my trusty friend dictionary.com): a realistic respect for or favourable impression of oneself; self-respect

Sat in a workshop regarding motivational interviewing this morning. One of things they were talking about the Cycle of Change... and basically what causes a person to change or not to change. 3 words: importance, confidence and self-esteem. Importance: how important is this change to you? Confidence: How confidence are you that you can acheieve this change? Self-esteem: Do you find yourself worthy of this change?

Why did this strike such a chord within me? Because I find this so useful in dealing with women and their self identity issues, myself included. One of the issues that kept playing over and over in my head as an example of is why women don't get out of unhealthy relationships. That vicious cycle of staying in a relationship knowing that it's not good for you... yah... most of us girls have been in that place.

I've come to see that for most of us girls, it comes down to a matter of self-esteem. Obviously when I was in that position, I couldn't see this. If I don't even deem myself worthy of better, I'm never going to have the confidence to be able to walk away, and if I have no confidence then I will make up for that by saying that this is not all that important then. Why is it so easy for so many of us to fall into that trap?!?!?!

I wish that we would see and realize sooner that we ARE worth it. We are SOOOO worth it because our God says that we are. He calls us His bride, and He romances us like no one else on this earth can! I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today had I not gone through the trials that I had been through... but at the same time... imagine a generation of boys and girls who knew their worth and identity that can only be found in Christ... and imagine them being grounded in that truth... what kinda example would that paint in a world where it seems moral is only going downhill everyday?

Okay... getting off utopian ran sidetrack... getting off the topic of not leaving unhealthy relationships. Let's talk about unhealthy habits. I was a cutter at one time in my life... thank goodness I was a wuss and never cut myself deep enough that I have scars now. What made me feel like I couldn't stop this completely unhealthy habit of mine?! I believe it came down to me believing that I deserved to be hurting myself... that I wasn't worthy to get out of this pit... that I deserved a life of hope and happiness... free of guilt and shame... so the more guilt and shame I felt... the more I felt the need to cut.

Those were some dark days where I almost refused to let people in, yet at the core of who I was, I was so desperate for people to notice and reach in. The world had somehow become a scary place, and I didn't know who I could and could not trust. The more I isolated myself, the more if felt like I didn't deserve friends... and the more self pity... the more cutting. So glad that those days are behind me now... nowadays, it's more just a battlefield in my mind. The battle that what others think is not important... simply because my God in heaven finds me lovely.

I know now that I walk in the confidence of knowing that my God loves me, and He wants and has the best for me in store. I know people see this, but all credit to God.... because I know that I have not always been like this. The best way I can explain this is... I used to walk around with my head down... AT ALL TIMES! And I mean at ALL times. I was always always looking at my feet when I walked. I used to say it's because I'm clumsy and if I don't walk looking down, I'm afraid that I will trip. Now I know that it's a lack of self confidence. Now I walk with my head up. True story. I admit, there are days when I have to FORCE myself to hold my head up, but it's worth it! Because that's when I know and am reminded that I walk not on my own strength, but on the strength of my God, Father and Lover in heaven! He holds me up, and allows me to walk confidently even when I feel like I cannot.

It has taken me 20-odd years to get here... and this is just the beginning! I'm a slow learner... and a stubborn one as well. hahaha... so I'm sure it won't take all girls 20-odd years to learn all this as well. :)

One Thing Remains

These words have been speaking straight into my heart...

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
One thing remains

In death and in life
I'm confident and covered
By the power of your great love
My debt is paid
There's nothing that can seperate
My heart from your great love

God's Faithfulness Continues...

So... yesterday, our church moved into our new home, and had our first Sunday service in WanChai! So amazing! God is soooooo good! Such an honour and privilage to get to take part in playing keys for our first service!

 This is our new stage... and I got to play on it!! Woohoo! Loving the new Aviom system... getting used to being on the other side of the stage... and not being by the electric. I won't lie... it feels weird to not being hiding in the corner anymore. Hahaha... not that I was hiding there... :P And the new stage is a bit higher... and no stairs on the keys side... which ended up in me almost ending up UNDER the stage when I jumped on stage and missed the stage... so embarassing...

And here is our new home! So amazing to call these people family! So so proud to call this my home! Not the building, but the family! For me, this isn't a "look at us, we're so great" deal. This has been a "look at what God has done for this family" moment. I see this place, and I see God's goodness and providence over this family of God. It's so crazy to finally see this place... the last time I was in this place, it was still an empty concrete shell! And it was STUFFY!!!! Despite the many things raging inside of me right now, I see this, and I know that my God is good, and He provides, and He always fulfills His promises.

That what God was reminding me of this weekend. What He has promised, He will bring to pass, but in His way, and in His time. A reminder that everything weaves together to paint God's bigger picture, and when it is finished, and I see the picture, it will be beautiful and it will make sense. Everything in my life is a result of my obedience to God, and a desire to take the higher road in all situations. 

I won't lie, there are days when I wonder what things would be like if I'd never taken that HSBC job and had stayed in Edmonton. If I had stayed at ATB... actually, I think I'd rather not go down that road. I do wonder however, what life would be like if I had stayed at HSBC... would I be at the same job? Or would I have finally moved into an area which I have more interest in? These are all what if questions that don't have answers. I'll be honest, there are days where I want to give up... give up all this and just go back to my career in finance. There are days when this higher road has felt so lonely... especially when I can't quite see where this is a leading.

I had one of those moments this weekend. God is gently reminding me that He is here, that He knows what He is doing, and He will fulfill what He has promised. Hanging onto that. He also finds the strangest ways to show me that He is speaking... and that it IS still His voice that I am hearing, even when it makes no sense to me! Actually, make that especially when it makes no sense to me! 

BTW... totally loving the new song... The chorus and the bridge are keeping me going... HE truly is the only reason I am still standing, and continuing to do what I am doing at the moment!

Hallelujah
You're the reason broken hearts can sing
Hallelujah
So let the sound of your praises ring

We're lifting up our lives
We're lifting up our eyes
Lifting up our praise to You
We're lifting up our songs
We're lifting up our all
Lifting up our praise to You  

Such a beautiful weekend! :)

Took this yesterday whilst we frolicked in the grass... barefeet! :) And it made me think of this song (Open Skies - David Crowder Band):

Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
I will dance, I will sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud, life my voice and shout

From where I am
From where I've been
He's been there with me
He's built a monument
His very people
So let His people
Sing Sing Sing

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now

Such a beautiful beautiful weekend to have spent most of it outdoors! Saturday was spent on a junk boat (comments on that I'll save for another time), got to do some wakeboarding... and finished off with 180 and street evangelism at night.

Sunday went to our last Sunday service at VC1, Facetimed the Ma's into service! hahaha... and then spent the afternoon tossing and sleeping in the grass, to finish off the day with Plus dinner.

God's been speaking to me about letting go of a LOT of things... some of which I have held on to for over 6 years! I don't even know why I was still holding on to it!!! I didn't feel anything but silly when I put it down. That's not true... my heart feels lighter, and I feel more free. It's been good, and this is still only the beginning. Craziness!

I did end up with my second sun burn of the summer... much worse than the last one, and sore muscles from wakeboarding... but the soreness feels good... the burnt skin... not so much. It hurts to lean against my chair.... *sigh*

So begins another week...

So according to the grapevine (aka Margo), Thad and Vicky got married this weekend! Congrats guys!

She sent me pictures via Whatsapp (my solution to long distance texting!)... and suddenly *poof* I am going down memory lane again. How so, you might ask? So in the picture... which was really just the bride and groom and his best man and groomsman... 4 guys all together. I grew up with some of these guys. Thad and I were in the same Sunday School class when we were like 8? The other 3 I grew up with at E3C as we made our way through Samuel, Petros, LS... kinda Crossroads and then cell groups.

How many hours did we spend roaming through Southgate? Hahaha... taking ETS around the city before any of us could drive and had cars. OMG! How did we ever get a hold of each other before cell phones?! Countless hours on ICQ... yes, I just said ICQ. But no, I am not one of those who still remembers her number. :P Track meets, bball, hockey... OMG Mother's Day banquets... I am LOL-ing as I remember all these crazy and stupid memories.

We had some good times... and some well... not so great times, but at the end of the day I'm thankful for their friendship, and what they brought into my life growing up in Edmonton. Cheers to you McNally boys! :)

It was one of those weekends...

Sometimes God speaks gently to me, and it's nice. Most of the time (I'm starting to wonder if it is due to my stubborn nature) He has to kick me so hard in the behind that I end up falling face first in front of him crying. I had another one of those moments this past weekend.

That's what he had to do to get my attention this weekend. Yes... my eyes are swollen from crying once again. Bah! God kept speaking... and they hurt. Not that God was intentionally inflicting pain on me. It hurt because the true state of my heart was revealed to me... the longings and dreams and desires that I had been ignoring... he brought it all to the front and made me deal with them. 

God dug deep last night... until the wee hours of the morning. It was good... just painful.

... and it was made clear

Bah... God made himself loud and clear this weekend. So... the final decision has been made. Will blog more about this when all affected parties have been informed. For now... this was the only response that I could come up with to what He has said this weekend. 

"There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I can search for eternity long
And find there is none like you"

on a collision course... for my past

It is on very rare occassions that my Edmonton world collides with my Hong Kong world, and when this does happen, most often it is under my planning and control... (should've known that God would take that away as well... ) If people from Edmonton show up in Hong Kong, and esp show up at the Vine... I generally have some kind of prior knowledge that this would be happening. This past weekend... I had a very interesting visitor... my friend's dad... AKA one of my best friend's husband's dad (my friend and my best friend are 2 different people... and they're married to each other... hahaha)... aka uncle from my home church. And he didn't show up for Sunday service, he showed up for 180! Perhaps it was a good thing that we had Pastor Tony with us on Saturday! 

It made me think a lot about home... and strangely... I had actually spent that whole day prior to 180 thinking about E3C... which is something that I have been thinking a lot about... and has brought about a LOT of very interesting thoughts and feelings towards the church which I call my home church. 

One of the biggest things that have kept coming up this past while... and made itself very clear is that I can't shove the Edmonton part of my life... or part of who I am under a rug and pretend like that person never existed. No matter what I do... that person will be a part of who I am... good and bad. It is time for me to reconcile that person with the person I am now. And I think my lunch date conversation sparked that realization even more so.... this should be very interesting. Bwar... I thought I dealt with this already... but apparently there's more that's been buried which I have not dealt with.... *sigh*

On a random note... Super8 was an interesting movie to end the weekend on... and can't believe that after a year and some of wanting to watch the movie Crossings (about North Korea)... we watched it as a 180 event this past Saturday! It just made me realize some more of how God loves me... and always gives me what I ask for... (and never in MY time... hahaha) It's been a good weekend! :)

Not so cool is that my scalp has started peeling... because I burnt my head last week at the WACA beach outting... and I have a most strange burn on my back which is starting to heal as well.... hahahaha... :P

It's a strange feeling... it is...

"A confession of the gospel of God alive in your life must be accompanied by obedience to the calling of the Holy Spirit living within you. With obedience will come great power, and with obedience will come the things that are beyond what you can think or imagine." ~ me

I've been having this strange yearning to make a trip to the other side of the Pacific... why? I don't quite fully understand. Perhaps it is just a need to get out of Hong Kong? There feels like something I need to do over there, but what is it? Do I even have the money for a trip like this? That quote from my own journal haunts me as I ponder this itching within me.

I am restless about work, life... everything. I want to take a break from it all. To not have to wake up to fulfill my duties... in whichever area. Hermit mode is kicking in... I want to hide in a cave until my physical person catches up with my thoughts. Maybe that's why I want to go to the other side... where life is slower... and perhaps at that pace I can catch up with my own thoughts.

I want to be obedient... because I know that leads to great things... yet I don't quite know what that means at the moment. Yes... I really need to get away and think... maybe I need another weekend at Bethany... since that's cheaper than travelling to the other side of the world... yet I feel like I need to go that way still... why?! What does He want me to do over there?! Argh... I need prayers.... and I need to pray more...

Colours

I was wearing a yellow shirt yesterday... and my boss came in and made an observation... "Is yellow your favourite colour?" to which I pointed to the array of yellow toys/items surrounding my desk and responded with "yes." My boss then made the observation that my favourite colours were green and yellow. I can't argue with that, he is correct.

In the past couple of weeks, I have started with the question of what is my favourite colour. People always like to ask that question as some sort of conversation starter or ice breaker, and I tend to all colours, because I can never decide which is my favourite colour. So as one of my first things to learn about myself, I decided that I must decide for myself which will be my favourite colour.

I have decided. My favourite colour of all time is yellow! This probably does not surprise anyone as I love rubber duckies, yellow flowers, yellow shirts, minions from Despicable me :)... etc. For goodness sakes the colour of my iPhone case is yellow! Yes, it is my favourite colour! But I must admit I don't like the colour of yellow stickies so much... it's not bright enough. Unless it's the brighter yellow stickies.. not the typical yellow. Yes... as I have mentioned before... anything yellow brigtens up my day and makes me happy! 

A very close second is green. It's always been a favourite colour growing up.... before yellow took over. Hahaha... I remember when I was little, I used to pick everything green. My backpack was green, my binders were green, notebooks... (maybe that's why I loved Keroppi... oh those Sanrio days.) Yes... that was me. But... green just doesn't brighten up my day like yellow... so it's not my absolute favourite colour, but if yellow is a not a choice, then my next choice will be green! :) I think that's why I find nature so soothing. I love being outdoors with trees and grass (even though I think I'm allergic to grass... thank goodness for hydrocortisone cream!)... or maybe it is the love of nature that I like green. Regardless, it doesn't matter! 

There you have it! I have discovered my favourite colours! I think next, I shall decide what is my favourite foods of all time. This is getting interesting... but ultimately the goal of discovering all these things is to gain a confidence in myself... to be more sure of myself. :) This will be good!

Memories...

You know this blog has become some what of a... self-therapy for myself. Hahaha... it's a place for me to release a lot of things. Anyways... with Martin Smith leading worship at Worship Central and at church this past weekend, it has dragged up a lot of memories in me. So here I go at another attempt to sort those out.

One of my favourite songs of all times... I don't know if it's a favourite actually, but has had a huge significance in my life is Delirious song King of Love. The words go:

King of Love you've called my name
You gave me life although the shame
Had covered me, you took my hand,
And here I stand, I'm saved my grace


Father God, you heard my prayer
From deep within my spirit cried
If there's a God, come rescue me
Now here I stand, I'm saved my grace


I will thank-you for saving my soul
For you've shown me the truth in your word
I will take up my cross and follow you
Now I live for the glory of God


Now we turn, to walk away
From selfishness, the pride and hate
And when we pass through stony ground
We'll glady walk upon our knees


So we cry out "Come change us Lord
Into a church that loves your word."
We will return to knowing you
With joy we walk beneath the cross

I still remember the first time I found this song. It was just before Samuel/Petros Spring Camp... in grade 12, I won't tell you what year that was... hahaha. I was on the leadership team, as well as worship team... basically we ran the camp AND lead worship. (In other words, we were the boss... with the exception of Pastor Al and Pastor Henry.) Was it our first year at Birch Bay? Perhaps it was that was well.

By the time I had hit grade 12 (senior year of high school for the Americans reading this blog), God and church had become a very significant part of my life. To be honest... I think back in those days... "serving" and "doing stuff" at church was bigger than God. You were cool if you were on leadership and you got on stage to do worship for Samuel and Petros... if felt like people strived for those things... and weren't striving for God so much. Anyways... I could sit here and b*tch about the way things were growing up, but that's not for today.

Back to the song... I remember finding this song. It's a very simply song, with a very simply melody... it wasn't a rock out song or anything, but I just remember thinking this is what we needed. This should be the cry of our hearts... in particular, it was the second verse that really hit me. I remember thinking that this was what we needed... and I practiced and practiced and practiced the song in preparation that we could sing this at Spring Camp!

Let's just not get into all the details of the story. We had a packed packed program of "stuff" and very little God. Lots of hurt people resulted... and there were feelings, words... etc that I'd really rather not remember. Perhaps... you can say God humbled some of us. People totally were not in a place for that song... they totally did not get into it AT ALL! Perhaps there should've been a bit more praying for the hearts of people... than just practicing a song so I'd be able to sing and play at the same time.

Looking back, this is most likely when I started to dislike "running programs"... but I also wasn't taught anything else. There was very little emphasize and teaching on preparation through prayer and in prayer for events... and much emphasize on making sure every detail is planned out. I learned a lot... through that experience... regardless of whether I wanted to learn those things or not... and it was a very painful lesson. Being "at the top" as they put it is lonely... and it was lonely at that camp. I think I wondered if that was the stony ground the song was talking about... but I was definitely not walking on it "gladly" on my knees... I was begrudgingly walking on my knees... and putting up with the pain because I had no other choice.  

That's a long time ago... and I've grown up much since then. Learned a lot about praying and the importance of covering things in prayer. The importance of asking God to come in... and giving Him room to lead and move. Still... it's good to remember those times... which for the most part I've tried to erase from my memory. It is good to remember that I haven't always been this way... and that it's only because of God that I am no longer the same as I was in high school. Thank goodness! hahaha... if I was still the same person I was back then... there would be a problem. :P 

Empty words... not so much.

Still searching around on @worshipcentral.org...

Found this verse from the song Wake Up

I'm ready to rise
I'm ready to fall
To lay down my life and give it all
I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go

I'm ready for joy
I'm ready for pain
Tear open my heart Lord once again
I'm ready for You. I'm ready for You

How can someone open up their mouth and sing words like this?!?!? That's some crazy stuff! These are not words you lightly throw at God! If you say words like this to God, He will take you up on it! He will really take your life... and He will really tear open your heart! I'm struggling with such a proclaimation of my life at the moment. Am I ready? What does it really mean to be ready anyways? God just wants willing and obedient people right? As long as we're willing and obedient then He will equip us with whatever we need to do whatever it is He wants us to do, right?

We were talking about humility at Plus last night... and the past year and a half has been a very humbling year. The moment that I decided to take the plunge... and dove head first with God into the raging waterfall... I surrendered any rights I had over my life. My plans, dreams, hopes, wants, desires, etc... it all became God's... and time and time again this past year and a half... He has been reminding me of that.

The primary reason I left my job at the bank... to pursue a degree in social work? So I thought I would be at school at the moment, but no. God took that and said, it will happen in his time and in his way. So a year later... after not getting into HKU for Sep 2010, I now have a spot at CUHK for Sep 2011, yet He's still asking me to put this down and do something else? God must be so amused when we think we can plan and do things better than He can.

It's been a good reminder of how little control I have over my life. I mean that not in a bad way at all... I say this in complete awe of God... and that I would not be here without Him... I couldn't be here without Him. Wow... looking back... it has been a crazy 2 years. Even before I was ready... those words were in my heart. I said ready without ever saying the words ready... so I can sing that song with conviction and know that I sing it and mean it. I can sing those words and really mean that I want God to come and continue to be in control of ALL of me, and for Him to continue to tear open my heart.

Oh dear... what am I saying? hahaha... more dangerous prayers are on their way!

On a different note... took out my guitar again for the first time in awhile. It was good... I've missed my guitar. :)

wow... 2 in one day!

Okay... I can't stop listening to this song.... @worshipcentral.org 

Spirit Break Out

Our Father, All of heaven roars your name
Sing louder, let this place erupt with praise
Can you hear it, the sound of heaven touching earth
The sound of heaven touching earth


Spirit break out, break our walls down
Spirit break out, heaven come down


King Jesus, you're the one we're lifting high
Your glory, shaking up the earth and skies
Revival, we want to see your kingdom here
We want to see your kingdom here


Such a power song!! Argh... I can't stop listening to this song... and singing this song... ahhh.... SPIRIT BREAK OUT!!!!

The weekend...

Hmm... what a weekend it was. I could talk about Worship Central, but that would just be a lot of talk about what I saw at the registration table... the load of junk food that we ate while sitting there.... and all the stupid stuff that we did. From what I did get to participate in... it was pretty amazing. :) "Dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance NOW!" Glad that I got to participate in that at least!

So the picture was taken from the back of Worship Central. But on Sunday at for worship at church, I was right up at the front... in front of the stage... my fav place to worship. No chairs in my way... with Martin Smith leading worship... so good. God was there. Still picking out all of the little hidden gems from God this past weekend.

I can't explain to you how awesome it was for me to be standing there in front of the stage at my own church with Martin Smith leading worship... I don't want to give the wrong idea that I worship this guy... or his music or anything. But this is the guy who wrote some of the songs that shaped me as a teenager... songs that touched my heart and pulled me out of ruts... :P I'll be honest, I was mad excited the first time I saw Delirious? live at YC (Youth Conference).

It was a special moment for me. It has actually got me thinking about when we were all 13-14... picking up instruments for the first time... looking at chord charts for the first time... learning to put together setlists... song arrangements.... who plays where... who plays which part... who sings which part... the excitement of learning new songs... planning a worship night... there were definitely some interesting times. Sorting through the assortment of good and bad memories.

One thing that is sticking in my memory is the rawness of learning to play from chord sheets for the first time... hacking away at my own piano for hours... figuring out melodies... what sounds good.. and what doesn't.... it all seems so long ago! I miss those days. Putting off the practicing of my classical pieces to practice the latest worship song we were learning at youth group... or a song I had heard on the weekend. :P

Lately I've been on this journey to discover myself... what I like, what I don't like... what is my real opinion on certain things... what do I value... etc. So I guess this weekend has been a reminder of how music has been such a huge part of my life. It is something that I love. This is a way in which I connect with God. What does that mean for me though? How does this play out in the bigger picture of my life and my purpose? I'm not sure... I do think that there is a lot of negative things that were acquired through my teenage years that may need to be brought up, addressed and removed from my life...

These are the only thoughts that I've been able to piece together that has made any sense... still working on the rest of everything that had come up. :P

'Til next time!

so mad at myself...

*sigh*.... so mad at myself for losing my ring.

learning to let go though... it is JUST a ring. :)

on a different note... had a really good dinner last night... which now begins the adventure of eating at all the cooked food markets in and around Hong Kong!

I once was lost... but now I'm found!

Wow... I can't believe that it has been 6 years. I look at who I was 6 years ago... and all that I was feeling and going through at the time... then I look at who I am today... all that I am going through and feeling at the moment, and I have nothing to say but "God is good!." 

How far my God has carried me these past 6 years... from that lost little girl sitting in her bedroom trying to figure out what she just did... and hating herself for it. I've done so much to try to forget everything, and to numb the pain... but it wasn't until I fell face first in front of my God that I realized that He is and has always been all that I needed.

Since that day 6 years ago, God has carried me so far. Instead of being bound by the shame and guilt of my past, I am free! I can share my story with others not with a sense of shame but with joy at how God has used... even that event in my life to shape me into the person that you see before you all today. That I can share that story, and still give praise and glory to my God everything that He has done in life! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him! 

It has not been an easy road, but it has been a good journey. The hardest part has probably been forgiving myself and learning once again to see myself as God sees me, and to accept that despite everything God loves me. GOD LOVES ME! I, who have broken his heart so horribly... I who have let him down time and time again... I who fall so so so short of his glory.... yet despite it all, He loves ME! Not only does he love me, but he finds me beautiful... 

"Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away."

I believe the time has come for me to answer that beckoning... to finally get up and follow Him. I've been waiting for this for a long time... and it's finally time. There's only one right answer when God calls us to go with him... and that is YES! Because no other road I'll travel will be able to compare to the adventure that I will go on when I follow Him! So as I sit here thinking on the pass 6 years of my life... I am left with the realization that I would be nothing without my God. He deserves ALL of my life... and simply because of that, I shall go. I will give him the year that He has asked for and follow Him!  

Trip down memory lane...

Haha... someone said the word "singsperation" the other day at Plus... OMG... it's been so long since I have heard that word. Definitely took me down memory lane... and later on, I went home with this song singing in my head:

"May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You, pleasing to You

You're my rock and my redeemer
You're the reason that I sing
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes

Every hour, every moment
Lord I want to be your servant
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes"

I used to love that song... and I guess I was thinking about those words because I know lately that the words coming out of my mouth and some of the things that I have been thinking have NOT been pleasing to God. Sorry to those who have had to put up with my "words of death"... I really am so so so sorry! I am learning to hold my tongue and to speak words of life. You've all been given permission to call me out on my "words of death." I feel terrible for some of the things that I have let slip out of my mouth lately, thank-you to those who have been gracious and discerning with my words. 

post number two hundred

Today I had a thought... well, I had more than one thought... which all stemmed from this one quote that I read yesterday:

"I only hope that we're not too well educated to be courageous." Coming from a Palestinian who is part of a group that are trying to use nonviolent methods to unite Palestine. A response when asked what if the Israelis respond with violence to their non-violent protests... they're willing to sacrifice their lives if it means it can make a point in the middle East that terrorism will not change anything.

Have we as Christians become too educated to be courageous? Have we all gone to University gotten our degrees and found nice well paying jobs and told God that we need to be in workplace ministry and settled for that? That wasn't even what bothered me.... cause I know I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are wiling to go anywhere for God. it was the thought "Would I be willing to stake my life like that for God?" Could I continue to love people as Christ requires if I knew that my life was in danger? Isn't that basically what Jesus did? 

I want to say yes. I want to say that I am willing to die for my God... but that is a heavy statement and not one to be made lightly... Then today I had some... *ahem* incidents at work where I totally did not respond with grace, and the thought that came to my mind was... "How can I want to say that I'll die for Christ when I won't even turn the other cheek for him to love on the people He has placed around me?" 


Let's not go to extreme... but how can I say I'll go to the nations for God when I won't even wake up early in the morning to spend time with Him? So today, I am left to wrestle with the thoughts of whether I am really willing to go to the nations for my God... and if I really am willing to stake my life... to the point where death does not matter for my God. 


How important is God to you? Is He worth anything and everything to you? Is His calling and purpose more important to you than anything the world has to offer you?