Memories...

You know this blog has become some what of a... self-therapy for myself. Hahaha... it's a place for me to release a lot of things. Anyways... with Martin Smith leading worship at Worship Central and at church this past weekend, it has dragged up a lot of memories in me. So here I go at another attempt to sort those out.

One of my favourite songs of all times... I don't know if it's a favourite actually, but has had a huge significance in my life is Delirious song King of Love. The words go:

King of Love you've called my name
You gave me life although the shame
Had covered me, you took my hand,
And here I stand, I'm saved my grace


Father God, you heard my prayer
From deep within my spirit cried
If there's a God, come rescue me
Now here I stand, I'm saved my grace


I will thank-you for saving my soul
For you've shown me the truth in your word
I will take up my cross and follow you
Now I live for the glory of God


Now we turn, to walk away
From selfishness, the pride and hate
And when we pass through stony ground
We'll glady walk upon our knees


So we cry out "Come change us Lord
Into a church that loves your word."
We will return to knowing you
With joy we walk beneath the cross

I still remember the first time I found this song. It was just before Samuel/Petros Spring Camp... in grade 12, I won't tell you what year that was... hahaha. I was on the leadership team, as well as worship team... basically we ran the camp AND lead worship. (In other words, we were the boss... with the exception of Pastor Al and Pastor Henry.) Was it our first year at Birch Bay? Perhaps it was that was well.

By the time I had hit grade 12 (senior year of high school for the Americans reading this blog), God and church had become a very significant part of my life. To be honest... I think back in those days... "serving" and "doing stuff" at church was bigger than God. You were cool if you were on leadership and you got on stage to do worship for Samuel and Petros... if felt like people strived for those things... and weren't striving for God so much. Anyways... I could sit here and b*tch about the way things were growing up, but that's not for today.

Back to the song... I remember finding this song. It's a very simply song, with a very simply melody... it wasn't a rock out song or anything, but I just remember thinking this is what we needed. This should be the cry of our hearts... in particular, it was the second verse that really hit me. I remember thinking that this was what we needed... and I practiced and practiced and practiced the song in preparation that we could sing this at Spring Camp!

Let's just not get into all the details of the story. We had a packed packed program of "stuff" and very little God. Lots of hurt people resulted... and there were feelings, words... etc that I'd really rather not remember. Perhaps... you can say God humbled some of us. People totally were not in a place for that song... they totally did not get into it AT ALL! Perhaps there should've been a bit more praying for the hearts of people... than just practicing a song so I'd be able to sing and play at the same time.

Looking back, this is most likely when I started to dislike "running programs"... but I also wasn't taught anything else. There was very little emphasize and teaching on preparation through prayer and in prayer for events... and much emphasize on making sure every detail is planned out. I learned a lot... through that experience... regardless of whether I wanted to learn those things or not... and it was a very painful lesson. Being "at the top" as they put it is lonely... and it was lonely at that camp. I think I wondered if that was the stony ground the song was talking about... but I was definitely not walking on it "gladly" on my knees... I was begrudgingly walking on my knees... and putting up with the pain because I had no other choice.  

That's a long time ago... and I've grown up much since then. Learned a lot about praying and the importance of covering things in prayer. The importance of asking God to come in... and giving Him room to lead and move. Still... it's good to remember those times... which for the most part I've tried to erase from my memory. It is good to remember that I haven't always been this way... and that it's only because of God that I am no longer the same as I was in high school. Thank goodness! hahaha... if I was still the same person I was back then... there would be a problem. :P 

Empty words... not so much.

Still searching around on @worshipcentral.org...

Found this verse from the song Wake Up

I'm ready to rise
I'm ready to fall
To lay down my life and give it all
I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go

I'm ready for joy
I'm ready for pain
Tear open my heart Lord once again
I'm ready for You. I'm ready for You

How can someone open up their mouth and sing words like this?!?!? That's some crazy stuff! These are not words you lightly throw at God! If you say words like this to God, He will take you up on it! He will really take your life... and He will really tear open your heart! I'm struggling with such a proclaimation of my life at the moment. Am I ready? What does it really mean to be ready anyways? God just wants willing and obedient people right? As long as we're willing and obedient then He will equip us with whatever we need to do whatever it is He wants us to do, right?

We were talking about humility at Plus last night... and the past year and a half has been a very humbling year. The moment that I decided to take the plunge... and dove head first with God into the raging waterfall... I surrendered any rights I had over my life. My plans, dreams, hopes, wants, desires, etc... it all became God's... and time and time again this past year and a half... He has been reminding me of that.

The primary reason I left my job at the bank... to pursue a degree in social work? So I thought I would be at school at the moment, but no. God took that and said, it will happen in his time and in his way. So a year later... after not getting into HKU for Sep 2010, I now have a spot at CUHK for Sep 2011, yet He's still asking me to put this down and do something else? God must be so amused when we think we can plan and do things better than He can.

It's been a good reminder of how little control I have over my life. I mean that not in a bad way at all... I say this in complete awe of God... and that I would not be here without Him... I couldn't be here without Him. Wow... looking back... it has been a crazy 2 years. Even before I was ready... those words were in my heart. I said ready without ever saying the words ready... so I can sing that song with conviction and know that I sing it and mean it. I can sing those words and really mean that I want God to come and continue to be in control of ALL of me, and for Him to continue to tear open my heart.

Oh dear... what am I saying? hahaha... more dangerous prayers are on their way!

On a different note... took out my guitar again for the first time in awhile. It was good... I've missed my guitar. :)

wow... 2 in one day!

Okay... I can't stop listening to this song.... @worshipcentral.org 

Spirit Break Out

Our Father, All of heaven roars your name
Sing louder, let this place erupt with praise
Can you hear it, the sound of heaven touching earth
The sound of heaven touching earth


Spirit break out, break our walls down
Spirit break out, heaven come down


King Jesus, you're the one we're lifting high
Your glory, shaking up the earth and skies
Revival, we want to see your kingdom here
We want to see your kingdom here


Such a power song!! Argh... I can't stop listening to this song... and singing this song... ahhh.... SPIRIT BREAK OUT!!!!

The weekend...

Hmm... what a weekend it was. I could talk about Worship Central, but that would just be a lot of talk about what I saw at the registration table... the load of junk food that we ate while sitting there.... and all the stupid stuff that we did. From what I did get to participate in... it was pretty amazing. :) "Dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance NOW!" Glad that I got to participate in that at least!

So the picture was taken from the back of Worship Central. But on Sunday at for worship at church, I was right up at the front... in front of the stage... my fav place to worship. No chairs in my way... with Martin Smith leading worship... so good. God was there. Still picking out all of the little hidden gems from God this past weekend.

I can't explain to you how awesome it was for me to be standing there in front of the stage at my own church with Martin Smith leading worship... I don't want to give the wrong idea that I worship this guy... or his music or anything. But this is the guy who wrote some of the songs that shaped me as a teenager... songs that touched my heart and pulled me out of ruts... :P I'll be honest, I was mad excited the first time I saw Delirious? live at YC (Youth Conference).

It was a special moment for me. It has actually got me thinking about when we were all 13-14... picking up instruments for the first time... looking at chord charts for the first time... learning to put together setlists... song arrangements.... who plays where... who plays which part... who sings which part... the excitement of learning new songs... planning a worship night... there were definitely some interesting times. Sorting through the assortment of good and bad memories.

One thing that is sticking in my memory is the rawness of learning to play from chord sheets for the first time... hacking away at my own piano for hours... figuring out melodies... what sounds good.. and what doesn't.... it all seems so long ago! I miss those days. Putting off the practicing of my classical pieces to practice the latest worship song we were learning at youth group... or a song I had heard on the weekend. :P

Lately I've been on this journey to discover myself... what I like, what I don't like... what is my real opinion on certain things... what do I value... etc. So I guess this weekend has been a reminder of how music has been such a huge part of my life. It is something that I love. This is a way in which I connect with God. What does that mean for me though? How does this play out in the bigger picture of my life and my purpose? I'm not sure... I do think that there is a lot of negative things that were acquired through my teenage years that may need to be brought up, addressed and removed from my life...

These are the only thoughts that I've been able to piece together that has made any sense... still working on the rest of everything that had come up. :P

'Til next time!

so mad at myself...

*sigh*.... so mad at myself for losing my ring.

learning to let go though... it is JUST a ring. :)

on a different note... had a really good dinner last night... which now begins the adventure of eating at all the cooked food markets in and around Hong Kong!

I once was lost... but now I'm found!

Wow... I can't believe that it has been 6 years. I look at who I was 6 years ago... and all that I was feeling and going through at the time... then I look at who I am today... all that I am going through and feeling at the moment, and I have nothing to say but "God is good!." 

How far my God has carried me these past 6 years... from that lost little girl sitting in her bedroom trying to figure out what she just did... and hating herself for it. I've done so much to try to forget everything, and to numb the pain... but it wasn't until I fell face first in front of my God that I realized that He is and has always been all that I needed.

Since that day 6 years ago, God has carried me so far. Instead of being bound by the shame and guilt of my past, I am free! I can share my story with others not with a sense of shame but with joy at how God has used... even that event in my life to shape me into the person that you see before you all today. That I can share that story, and still give praise and glory to my God everything that He has done in life! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him! 

It has not been an easy road, but it has been a good journey. The hardest part has probably been forgiving myself and learning once again to see myself as God sees me, and to accept that despite everything God loves me. GOD LOVES ME! I, who have broken his heart so horribly... I who have let him down time and time again... I who fall so so so short of his glory.... yet despite it all, He loves ME! Not only does he love me, but he finds me beautiful... 

"Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away."

I believe the time has come for me to answer that beckoning... to finally get up and follow Him. I've been waiting for this for a long time... and it's finally time. There's only one right answer when God calls us to go with him... and that is YES! Because no other road I'll travel will be able to compare to the adventure that I will go on when I follow Him! So as I sit here thinking on the pass 6 years of my life... I am left with the realization that I would be nothing without my God. He deserves ALL of my life... and simply because of that, I shall go. I will give him the year that He has asked for and follow Him!  

Trip down memory lane...

Haha... someone said the word "singsperation" the other day at Plus... OMG... it's been so long since I have heard that word. Definitely took me down memory lane... and later on, I went home with this song singing in my head:

"May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You, pleasing to You

You're my rock and my redeemer
You're the reason that I sing
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes

Every hour, every moment
Lord I want to be your servant
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes"

I used to love that song... and I guess I was thinking about those words because I know lately that the words coming out of my mouth and some of the things that I have been thinking have NOT been pleasing to God. Sorry to those who have had to put up with my "words of death"... I really am so so so sorry! I am learning to hold my tongue and to speak words of life. You've all been given permission to call me out on my "words of death." I feel terrible for some of the things that I have let slip out of my mouth lately, thank-you to those who have been gracious and discerning with my words. 

post number two hundred

Today I had a thought... well, I had more than one thought... which all stemmed from this one quote that I read yesterday:

"I only hope that we're not too well educated to be courageous." Coming from a Palestinian who is part of a group that are trying to use nonviolent methods to unite Palestine. A response when asked what if the Israelis respond with violence to their non-violent protests... they're willing to sacrifice their lives if it means it can make a point in the middle East that terrorism will not change anything.

Have we as Christians become too educated to be courageous? Have we all gone to University gotten our degrees and found nice well paying jobs and told God that we need to be in workplace ministry and settled for that? That wasn't even what bothered me.... cause I know I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are wiling to go anywhere for God. it was the thought "Would I be willing to stake my life like that for God?" Could I continue to love people as Christ requires if I knew that my life was in danger? Isn't that basically what Jesus did? 

I want to say yes. I want to say that I am willing to die for my God... but that is a heavy statement and not one to be made lightly... Then today I had some... *ahem* incidents at work where I totally did not respond with grace, and the thought that came to my mind was... "How can I want to say that I'll die for Christ when I won't even turn the other cheek for him to love on the people He has placed around me?" 


Let's not go to extreme... but how can I say I'll go to the nations for God when I won't even wake up early in the morning to spend time with Him? So today, I am left to wrestle with the thoughts of whether I am really willing to go to the nations for my God... and if I really am willing to stake my life... to the point where death does not matter for my God. 


How important is God to you? Is He worth anything and everything to you? Is His calling and purpose more important to you than anything the world has to offer you?

Where has April gone?!

Seriously... how can April be almost over already?! I don't even know what happened this past month!!!

Well last week was certainly a very packed week... PolyU interview, meeting for a potential internship in Cambodia... last week with B&E... :( missions to Changsha, and now this week is almost over as well!

Interviews and meeting I know is what most people have been wanting to know about, all I have to say is that they are done, and it's all in God's hands. I trust that He will open the right doors and that He will give me the obedience to walk through them when the time comes. :)

I have to be honest... there was defintely water works at my last week with my Plus family B&E. Hahaha.. not to say that my new Plus is bad... they're just as wonderful, but it's still sad. This is the family that has been walking with me through life for the last 2 and some years! All the ups and downs... breakthroughs and stubborness... it's been some good times! Will definitely miss them! At the same time, very excited for what God will reveal in this new season with a new Plus!

Pretty funny and ironic... or just God's perfect timing as usual, went to ANHOP on Wednesday, and they were praying about leaving the old and going forward into the new. I think when April ends, I will definitely be entering into a new season in all aspects of my life... work is actually changing as well... we've finally replaced my coworker who left, and I will be moving into my dual role of personal assistant and funding assistant. (Promotion and Pay raise included... hahaha :P) New Plus... new role in Plus... as a Plus leader... etc etc etc.

Actually... I feel like I am in a transition phase between the old and the new... after talking to a friend last night... it may be a season of breaking a lot of the old ways of life that I had developed... growing up in a not so healthy Christian environment. It's breaking my heart as these things are being revealed to me.... and just how screwed up my way of thinking and processing has become because of it... but I don't want to live with all that stuff anymore... and I want God to free me from all that so that I may grow and be even better! Or perhaps that is the new season... a season of breaking off the old...

This will be very very interesting... God is good. :)

I've got love on the brain...

So for the past couple days, my mind has been stuck on this concept of love. Not the "oooooh looooove" kinda love, but Love, as God is Love. The Love that changes people from the inside out, the Love that can change the world...


"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." ~ 1 John 4:7-21


When John is talking about hating one's brother, the word hate is defined in a comparative nature. It means to denounce one choice in favour of another. To love someone less than someone else... He repeats this line more than once in the book of 1 John... that if we proclaim to love God, but do no love our brothers and sisters, we are liars. Wow... but we have to remember that the line before this says that "we love because he first loved us."
Actually, that makes it even harder. If God's love is the example for which we must follow in how we love our brothers and sisters... that means we must love everyone more than ourselves. Which the the calling of being a follower of Christ. Perhaps it's time for me to get my own head out of my own arse to start seeing people as Christ sees people, and not as I see people.
 
God gave me a glimpse of what happens when we get our heads out our own arses... you begin to see how God's heart breaks for those around you... and OMG it hurts!!! But... when God is pleased and happy... that joy is also just as encompassing! I don't know how to explain it, but when we can get past ourselves and stop acting in a "self preservation" mode... God comes in and He moves, and He works....
 
I'm not perfect... and I'll be honest, as my heart began to hurt, I began to shut myself up. I took the pain, but I didn't act on it... and I didn't obey God's calling to love as He had wanted me to. Right now I'm still struggling with the obedience to the higher calling of loving everyone... but I want to be one who is obedient, I want to be someone who practices what she speaks... so... I will continue to pray for more grace and love from God to carry this out.

Friday... mid April

Wow... I am cranky pants today. I woke up feeling like the world just trampled all over me. I woke up feeling so defeated, like the whole world was against me, and trying to screw me over.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died - more than that, who was raised - who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." ~ Romans 8: 31-37

I know these thoughts hold no truth. I know that I am not defeated, I know that my friends are not waiting to stab me in the back. These thoughts and feelings are NOT of God. Where does all this crap come from?! Actually, I think I know where it all comes from, but God has promised that I don't have to be that person anymore.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am a new creation... I don't have to live in all that crap anymore. Those things are not of the new creation that God has made me. I know that this journey that I'm decided to embark on will not be easy, but I am determined to embrace who God has made to me. Allowing to remove all that shall not remain... I trust I trust I trust. This will be hard... the more I trust, the harder these thoughts are going to be to fight... But I am relieved in knowing that in Christ victory is already mine, that He is walking with me, going through it all with me. He has also blessed with an amazing family (you all know who you are!) to walk with me, encourage me, and pray with and for me! This is POSSIBLE because of Christ!

I feel much better now. :)

I'm not looking...

I'm not looking for someone to complete me,
        God's already completed me.
I'm not looking to settle,
        God's promised only the best for me.
I'm not looking for someone to provide,
        God's already provided me with everything I need.
I'm not looking for someone to make me happy,
        God's given me a source of joy that no one can match.
I'm not looking for someone to answer my questions,
        God alone is all knowing.
I'm not looking for my idea of perfection,
        God's perfection will be so much better.

So I wrote this in March 2009... had stashed it away, and was thinking of finishing it... or fixing it but never got around to it. Found it today... and thought I'd just post it as it is. :P 

Humility

These words (in bold) really hit me last night as I was listening to this song:

"Oh lead me
To the place where I can find you
Oh lead me
To the place where you'll be

Lead me to the cross
Where we first met
Draw me to my knees
So we can talk
Let me feel your breath
Let me know you're here with me"

The way it should be... according to God!

So... I've debated for a long time whether to blog this or not, and I'm finally giving in and gonna blog it. Seriously, you should've all seen this coming, and it was only a matter of time before I started blogging about breaking up. :P

Let's just get completely honest... most of us ask the question "do you ever stop loving that person?" Or some form of that question... when does it stop hurting, when do you stop caring... etc etc...

Let me present this idea: What if you're not suppose to?

Now before you all start telling me how wrong you all think I am... or how stupid you all think I am, let me explain myself. What is love? (baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more) Sorry... getting back on track...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endure all things. Love never ends." ~ 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a

This is not "love" as the world has defined it, this is love as God describes it... this is the unconditional love of God, with which He asks us to love the world with. It doesn't say that this is the love that we use to love our significant others with... this is the love with which we are to love everyone with... friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, people you encounter on a daily basis. Regardless of whether you are in a "romantic" relationship or not... you are to love your sisters and brothers in Christ with this same love!

Before you were "together" you were brothers and sisters in Christ, and in most cases, friends. Nothing changes this fact... and you loved each other. Now just because you're no longer together, it doesn't mean that you get to stop loving. It doesn't mean that they're no longer your sister or brother in Christ! The source with which you are loving with has not changed. Friends, family, wife husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, coworker, lady on the street... you love out of the abundance of God's love in you. How you express that love to each of these different people is different... but the source is not. So when you breakup... you don't STOP loving someone, you simply change the way you experss that love. 

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." ~ John 13:35

Open your eyes and your heart and your mind... and look beyond your human understanding of what love is. Read that verse in John... it screams of a different way of life. It tells us that we must live differently than the world...

I understand that this is hard. I do. I know that some relationships end with so much pain and bitterness... that this sounds impossible. I've been there. I know the pain of abandonment and betrayal as well, but God IS bigger than all of those things. Let God have all of that pain, and allow Him to make you new. Let God cleanse you of all that... restore your heart, so that HIS love may overflow in you, so that you may walk out His purposes for you. God's hand is worth holding... a grudge is not, but you cannot hold God's hand until you let of the grudge. (I should know!)

"Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere and brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God." ~ 1 Peter 1:22-23

Yes... this is hard, but it is NOT impossible.

:)

2 days of this... the only thing that was missing was some sun... bwar! the loudest thing ringing in my ears was the sound of waves, the wind, and the chirping of birds... no ipod, no iphone... just nature, God, and I.

God spoke right into my heart... and it was exactly what I needed to hear. :)

I could blog about it... but I'm starting to dislike the lack of interaction on here... and I know people are reading this, so if you want to know... ask me in person!

The Waiting Game Continues...

Finally... PolyU and other application complete and submitted. 

I know that I already got into CUHK conditionally... but I still want to go to PolyU. 

So I have submitted this application in faith... that just because I got into one school doesn't mean that is what I am suppose to do.

So... now that's all done... it's back to the waiting game. In the mean time... taking Monday and Tuesday off to prepare for this next season of my life... too many changes too quickly. Need time to sit... pray.... and process it all! Can't wait! 

Show me Your Glory!

This song has been heavy on my heart since the start of this week:

Show me Your Glory - Jesus Culture

I see the cloud, I step in

I want to see your glory like Moses did

Flashes of light, rolls of thunder

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

Show me your glory, Show me your glory

Show me your glory, Show me your glory

I'm awed by your beauty, lost in your eyes

I want to walk in your presence like Jesus did

Your glory surrounds me, and I'm overwhelmed

I long to look on the face of the one that I love

Long to stay in your presence, it's where I belong

The thoughts I've been wrestling with is that... to see God's glory means to come face to face with the imperfections and impurities of our own selves. To see God's glory means that I see how unlovable I am, but despite all this, God loves me unconditionally! Then on top of all this, to proclaim that I am not afraid of that.


Can I really say that I am not afraid for God to show me His glory? To say that I am not afraid to come face to face with what I am in comparison to God's glory... and then to be able to accept that not in a self defeated way, but to fall flat on my face in realisation that I am nothing without God... and that I can do nothing apart from Him?


This is the confidence in Christ that is a result of humility isn't it? Am I afraid of what may be revealed to me as a result of meeting God's glory? Am I ready to see and accept all that God wants to reveal to me? Those words ring in my ear over and over again... "I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid..." And I believe that these words are the cry of my heart for God to come, because I want to see His glory, and all that seeing His glory means... and I'm not afraid of it!

Just floored...

This weekend... well... not even... but in the past couple of days, I took some steps out of my own comfort zone. I took these steps out in faith... one has an immediate effect on my life, and the other leaves the latter part of 2011 as a question mark. 

I personally has been left in awe though. In one day... God revealed to me once again how much I have changed this past year. I went to the information session at PolyU yesterday for the MSW program, it was such a huge blessing for me! I've always disliked information sessions, but it was good for me to go. To hear from the people who would be my potential professors and hear them talk about what they do, and what they were looking for in potential students. I was completely blown away by the honesty with which they presented the toughness of the course itself... and also the passion with which they had for teaching. It inspired me to not only try harder to get into PolyU, but also to just be better at what I am doing currently at my job! THAT was a gem that I did not expect to discover. There was also something that one of them said... that finally made me understand why this had been on my heart... and why God had put it there. I think this all makes for a very excellent coffee date material... hahaha, so if you want to know, you can buy me coffee... well tea, cause I don't drink coffee... :P

Having said that... I still don't know if I will be getting into school this fall, but I trust that whatever happens this fall, it was be according to God's will for my life, and it will be just as amazing as the journey this past year has been! Usually, I am overflowing with "what if" questions and anxiety... and just plain worrying about making decisions that have not even come up for me to make yet. I can honestly say that I am at peace... and not going off the deep end. I am in complete trust that my God will take care of all of this for me. I look in the mirror... and I don't know who this girl is who is looking back at me. Hahaha... but I like her... and I'm starting to like her more and more. :)

This is all just the school stuff... and is not even related to the 2 steps of faith that I had taken. I don't want to get into too much details just yet, but let's just say God opened some doors and instead of being me... and pondering and thinking and starring at the doors and waiting for God to give me a resounding "yes"... I simply took them, and I am at peace. He has not slammed the doors back in my face, but I have been met with confirmations left and right (which left me on the floor completely in awe of God!)... and also just an overwhelming sense of peace that all will work out for the best when the time is right. 

Honestly... the way I am living... the things I am doing... the things I am thinking... the things I am NOT thinking... the way I am reacting to things... none of this is me... as I know myself. Of course... there are still some stuff that remains... but I can sense God is moving those and changing those as well. It really feels like God has come into my life.... threw everything into the air.... and is now putting things into the places that HE wants them to go... some of it hurts... some of it is sad... but overall, it has been very good. :) 

Looking back to look forward...

So... about 3 years ago (9.05.2008) I wrote this (but never published it)...

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into Eternity" ~ Hosanna by Hillsongs United

Don't sing these words unless you mean it because God will open up your eyes, and He will break your heart. I feel him telling me that it's time to stop hiding behind masks. I feel his heart breaking because in hiding behind masks I'm not being all that He has called me to be. Thank-you to those who have listened without judgement. I'm learning to strip off my masks and to share what is truly on my heart and to be who God has called me to be. It's not good enough for God that I just simply go with the flow. It's not good enough for Him that I just do what everyone else is doing.

Don't be fooled by what you see. There is still a lot that has not been uncovered. I've put on all my masks because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I'm scared of being laughed at, and I'm scared that...

Total unfinished thought there! I find it so crazy though... that a year later I stripped off my mask and got on stage at 180 and shared my story. And even that's almost 2 years ago now!!Looking back on the past 3 years since stepping into Hong Kong, God has stripped off so many layers from me. Still... now... God is stripping layers off me! But with each layer He takes off, it is I who is surprised by what is revealed. It is I who is left in awe of God as He reveals to me the beauty that has been hidden away. In each revelation, there is a redemption of what had originally caused the putting on of another mask in the first place. 

As God removes more and more... it gets easier, yet harder. It's easier, because the more of His goodness He reveals, the easier it is to surrender myself to Him, and allow Him to have His way in my life. Harder because the deeper the layers are... the more of myself it has become... and the more it feels like a part of myself is being removed. Yet, it has all been worth it... and I really want to be completely stripped down to the person that God wants me to be!

Today I celebrate the hand of God over my life. It has not been easy... but I'm learning so much about what it means when it says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28. Actually... I don't think I'm just learning it... but He's making it come to life... through my life! What an honour. :) 

Oh How God Loves Us!

So I've been trying to figure out a title for this... and that was, I think the best way to describe what I am about to blog.

I'll be honest... I started my weekend like the picture above. I was upset at God... and I squatted in front of him and made sure he knew that I was not happy. But as always... it's hard to be upset at God for long... and it didn't take too much time before I gave up and went back to resting in God's presesnse... yes... this is how I am seeing myself as I rest in God's presense. Haha... okay... not so much resting, but just with God... and enjoying him... and being curious about him. :) 

It's been a hard weekend, but a very good one. I am so emotionally, spiritually and mentally drained... but at the same time... I feel so at peace. I don't know how often people can say that their break-up has been orchestrated by God... but I am here to proclaim that God has orchestrated this  break-up as much as he has orchestrated our relationship. A year and a half ago I wrote this: "I could have never ended up here on my own... and we could never have ended up here on our own without God. It was God who orchestrated every single part of this friendship and now relationship... and it was definitely Him who brought us together." I believe in these words today as much as I believed in them when I wrote it... but now I will change it to say "this friendship then relationship... and back to friendship." I believe that it is only by the grace of God that I can stand here and say that... we have decided to go back to being friends.

I don't want to deceive anyone into thinking that this has been easy, or this will be easy. This is simply my way of living out what I believe... that God's way is ALWAYS better than my own way. Humanly it would be so much easier to just ignore and avoid him on common ground... cause that's what is expected of me, but at the very core of who I am... everything that God has taught me and showed me... I know that this would not please God. So... I have decided to obey God. And I really believe that because of obedience, God has given a glimpse into the friendship that God has in store for us yesterday.

GOD IS SOOOOOO GOOD!!!! 

OMG! I'm starting to get it!

So crazy!

So on Sunday Dawn was talking about how light travels in service, it can either reflect, absorb, or transmit. She was talking about this in the sense that the light is the Word of God, and we are the substance that the Light is hitting.

So if that is the case... and God has made me a diamond, when the Light of God hits me the light that refracts from me should be so amazingly beautiful. That means that I am not just absorbing the Word of God and doing nothing about it... I am refracting all that God is teaching me through His word... all that He is encouraging me and inspiring me through His word is being refracted into everyone else around me.

The picture is no longer a dark room... but God has come in and there is a light that is shining onto the diamond, and now the room is filled with the beautiful sparkly colourful display that can only be produced from a diamond. It's so pretty.... I love looking at how light makes a diamond sparkle... and this is ME! I am that thing that can make such beautiful refractions of light... I am completely floored that my God can think so highly of me.

But that wasn't the best part... the best part was when the light started to come from the inside of the diamond. And the room started to light up because of the light that was coming through from the inside as well... and it made the diamond even more beautiful and more sparkly... unfortunately I am sitting at work... but I just want to get on my knees and cry. Cause I am in disbelief that this is how my God sees me.

Who am I that the Lord of the earth, who created everything can look on me with such pride, with such love, with such... adoration?! God... thank-you, it is beautiful. :*)

Why is my God so good to me?!

Tonight at 180... I poured it all out to God through worship. I poured out pain, disappointment, confusion, joy, etc into every note that came out of me... and it was beautiful. With each note that I released, God poured back into me His love. The more I let go... the more love He poured, and I was completely overwhelmed. 

After He had prepared my heart... He reminded me of my desire to walk the road less travelled, to always take the higher road in ALL situations. My God reminded me that what is strange and unheard of to the world is the norm for Him. What makes no sense to the world, is what should make the most sense to me, because it's what He wants. 

What if God had called you to set an example in something that... those around you require leading in? What if God had called you to break the rules and guidelines that has been setup by the world because they are no good to Him? How would you respond?

The responsibility seems daunting... I don't know if I can... it makes no sense. Such an honour... but so so so heavy! I alone will not be able to do this... it will only be through God and in God that this will be made possible. He alone will be my strength... He alone will be my guide... He alone will be the wisdom that I will need to carry this out. By His grace... He will make is possible. The only thing I need to do is be obedient and answer His calling. 

I know this is all because He loves me... and I am starting to get a glimpse of how great that love is... how all consuming it is... how life transforming it can be... and simply how deep it runs. My mind has been blown completely out of the water... and this is just the beginning!!! He's not even done yet! Wow... this is gonna be a crazy ride!

slap in the face...

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? will what is molded say to its molder, 'Why have you made me like this?' Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honourable uise and another for dishonourable use?" ~ Romans 9:20

Ouch God... those are harsh words, but they ring so true in my life. How many of us girls have ever stood in front of the mirror and wondered thoughts how certain attributes could be improved. Or stood in public whilst people watching and compared yourself to the hundreds of other women surrounding you... thinking about who is better looking, or better dressed, etc. Or picked up a magazine and wished that you had the hair of certain celebrity... or the perfect skin of another. If you're anything like any of the other bajillion women in the world... you've definitely had those thoughts.

With every critical thought of ourselves or other... we are criticizing the work of God. We are telling him that we could have done creation better than him! Ouch. I am very critical of myself... and because I am critical of myself... I think I've built up some protection of pride which makes it even worse when I am being criticized by other people. Even when they do it with the utmost care and love... my protection of pride will take it and twist it into something really horrible. Anyways... that's not what I am talking about today.

Today I want to talk about my self-criticism. About how I am always asking God the question "why have you made me this way?" I am learning that this is wrong... so very very wrong. I have no right to ask God that question because in God's eyes I am his perfect daughter. Even before I was born, he knew every detail of what I would look like... down to the smallest scar and freckle... and he knew every detail of my mental makeup as well as the details of the life that I would lead. ALL this He knew even before I was born... my only respone is wow.

God gave me a picture the other night... of a diamond in a dark room. (This is progress because up until that point, I haven't even been able to see the diamond.) At the moment... this is how I see myself. A diamond in a dark room isn't much good... and it's beauty is lost... In this next while... he wants to show me how HE sees this diamond. Oh this is gonna be scary... but this will be so exciting. This is a must... and God has promised that whatever he has started, he will see it to the end. So I know that I am in good hands!

Today...

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." ~ James 1: 2-4


Today I feel human... okay maybe the better adjective would be bratty. Today is one of those days where I wished that the words in James didn't ring so true in my life. I want to sulk at God that I'd rather not know how strong my faith could be... that I'd rather not be perfect and complete... think God would listen to me? Doubt it.


Today I'd rather it was just a physical distance that divides us and not spiritual, emotional and mental as well. Today I wished that this didn't have to be so hard, or that it didn't have to be this way... Today I wished that I could send you a message and let you know all that I was thinking and encountering at the moment... Today I wished I could share life with you still.


BUT...


"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." ~ James 1:12


"Every good gift and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." ~ James 1:17


God promises that if I stay with Him... if I trust in him without waver... greater things are yet to come. So I shall keep trekking.


So... today I am sad, but I will continue draw faith, strength, joy and love from the Lord, who has promised to take good care of me. When this passes I shall be "lacking in nothing"... whatever that means... but when God's involved, it's bound to be good, yah? :|

To Be Blessed...

Matt 5:8 ~ "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

Blessed as according to the definition in The Amplified Bible: happy, enviably fortunate, and spiritually prosperous - possessing the happiness produced by the experience of God's favour and especially conditioned by the revelation of His grace, regardless of their outward conditions.

There's been lots of stories going around Facebook talking about miracles and God's blessings... and last night when I was reflecting, God took me back to an old journal entry where I was talking about this verse. I had asked God what does it mean to be pure in heart? And what does it mean to see Him? So last night I did some digging around and looked up word meanings.

Pure is basically... to be free from the contamination of sin. Which is something we are when we come to the cross and accept the forgiveness of sins that Jesus' blood offers to us. Then I looked up what "see God" could mean. In the Jewish context, to see the face of someone or to be in their presense represents great favour. So in essense they are friends and favourites of God and will dwell with Him in His kingdom. (I'll come back to these things later...)

Today, I looked up the word blessed... it comes from the word happy. So going back to the meaning found in the Amplified... one thing that really struck me was "regardless of their outward conditions." Do you realize that it says NOTHING about God providing favourable conditions into our lives?! So to be blessed by God does not mean that he has made everything "good" on our terms or in the world's view... but it means to have a happiness produced by the experience of God's favour which is further conditioned by the revelation of His grace. I am floored right here. I'm gonna go out on a limb and compare this to the joy of the Lord. That to be blessed by God means to have the joy of the Lord.

So what was the point of all that? I want to declare and proclaim that I am blessed by God. There is a joy within me that allows me to continue to trust in my God, to believe that He is a good God, and gives me a hope for my future. Don't get me wrong... I am still sad, and I still have a lot of questions and hurt... but at the end of the day, I choose to hang onto the joy and not the other things. God's favour is that He loves me... and the grace of it is that I don't deserve to be loved by Him, but He still does. Ahh... this is so good! Thank-you Jesus!

Puts a whole new meaning to "Have a blessed day" doesn't it?! You're wishing them to be enviably fortunate... that everyone else they encounter would also want that happiness that is stemming from them! Forgive my excitement, but I am completely mindblasted at the moment!

Oops... I didn't have time to back to the other part of the verse... but that'll have to wail 'til next time!

Be blessed my friends!

Learning the Renewed Mind

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

~ Romans 12:2

You know... I grew up memorizing passages like this. But this weekend... actually for the past month now, God has been teaching me what this verse actually means. This weekend, he further reinforced everything that I had been learning.

Basically if my life has been transformed by Christ, then my thought life should reflect this. I'll be honest... my thought life does NOT reflect this at all! My thought life is a mess... actually, my mind is basically a vault of very dark and twisted thoughts... no jokes! This is something that very few people know about, it's not like anyone else can get into my thoughts and see what is going on in there. God does NOT like this... and it must be dealt with.

So as the Spirit convicts me to take a good hard look inside myself... I am being completely broken. BUT... it's progress, and in the brokeness I am learning a new freedom... so beauty! The best part is this verse promises that with the renewal of my mind... God's voice will be all the more clear! I am excited for that part!!!

Hiccups are a part of life...

Clinging onto these words for dear life at the moment... and to the peace that God has taught me to have in my heart... that in the midst of the storms in life, I need to have faith and believe that He will carry me through because HE'S IN MY BOAT!!! :)

Come away with me
Come away with me

It's never too late
It's not too late
It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you

It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of me

Open up your heart
And let me in

My Birthday Present from God :)

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you." ~ Isaiah 43:4a

The Hand that holds the World

I've finally made it! It's Friday... my birthday! This song just came on... and I think I want to make this my cry for this new year...

I want to stand before the King

Join in the song that heaven sings

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

I want to know the mystery

Reach out and touch the majesty

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

Those are power words... can you imagine... holding the hand of God... and that hand also holds up the world. The hand created the earth in which we live... it is by the hand of God that each of us are created... to hold that hand... would just be completely... face to floor kinda awe.

To let go of all that I am trying to hang onto... and to grab onto God's hand. I was listening to a podcast... and it said something like "When God asks for our stuff, he's not trying to take away our stuff, he's trying to take away our anxiety that comes with having all that stuff." So true... when God asks us to let go and hang onto Him... we can focus on Him... and as we focus on Him... everything else starts to matter less... sounds amazing. hahaha... but so so so hard to put into action! I know this isn't the first time I've talked about this... I talk about this all the time... still a work in progress to be able to let go of everything to give God my full attention... but I will continue to strive because I want to hold the hand that holds the world! :)

'twas the day before my birthday...

Some of my gifts from my wonderful Plus... :) Which fits right in at home... They threw me (and Bobo) a surprise birthday dinner. Unfortunately Bobo never made it! :( We tried every method of trying to get a hold of her. I felt really blessed though... and Sky was so good at distracting me that I had no clue!

My coworker brought in some flowers for me this morning... Yay... I like getting flowers. Plus.. they brighten up the office... although I hope the cold will not kill them before I take them home... :P

Our cook and others cooked me some yummy food! What could be better than food from our cook? Hahaha... even though I have a hard time with fish... her fish was so good, I had to at least try a piece! And it was sooooo juicy! Mmmm.... so good! Actually what I really appreciated the most was getting prayed for by my coworker before we started eating... that's something that money cannot buy! Awesome!

It's been an interesting week... but I've been very blessed. I'm just grateful that I'm not sick... and in bed. Well... I'd like to be in bed because of this cold... cold as in the weather is cold... not sick cold. But... I'm also glad that I'm not confined to my bed the day before my birthday this year! Still it has been a rough week even though not rough physically. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually... I'm so so so tired. Looking forward to the weekend... and getting some rest. I wish tomorrow was Saturday, but it is not... so I shall bear it one more day. Kinda sucks to have to work on my birthday, but I think I'll be okay with that. The last 2 years I've been sick out of my mind... although the year before I was still at work while being sick... :P

My God is a good God... even though I don't know what is in store for me tomorrow... and what I may have to face... regardless, good or bad, my God will be walking with me and He will continue to take care of me. I guess, I'm kinda looking forward to tomorrow... I've prepared myself for the worst... and may or may not have prepared a backup plan... but it SHALL be a good day tomorrow! Even IF I am left all on my own to celebrate by myself tomorrow, I will be okay.

:|

A friend sent this to cheer me up... hahaha... and it totally made my day. She thinks it's creepy... but I love it! hahaha... but that's because I love ducks! I would happily swim in a sea of rubber duckies! Rubber duckies and in general the colour yellow takes me to a happy place... that might be why my desk is surrounded by yellow coloured toys...

Anyways... was listening to the song "Here I am to Worship" by Tim Hughes this morning. If you don't know the chorus goes like this:

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that you're my God

You're altogether lovely

Altogether Worthy

Altogether wonderful to me

It was the first part of the chorus that really struck me this morning. I don't know why but I've somehow always associated those words to mean that as I come into the tabernacle, into the sanctuary... then I am here to worship and bow down and to say that He is my God. But as I was listening to those words this morning in the office... here is wherever I am. Here I am to worship... means that no matter where I am, I am there to worship God. Wherever I am... I am there to humble myself and say that He is my God, and He rules my life... and therefore I will humble myself and allow that fact that He is my God to come shining through in all that I do.

It wasn't a new revelation to me or anything, but just presented to me in a different manner... which made it all the more real... and the more true... and the more that I want to live this out.

Learning from Peter today...

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."

And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." ~ (Matthew 14:22-33)

Peter asked God for confirmation, not in the sense for God to reveal himself, but for God to reveal that he is God through Peter. He didn't say, if you are Jesus then send fire from heaven or something. He told Jesus to show his power through himself. How often do I ask God to reveal himself, but I sit there on my butt lazily waiting for Him to do so? How often do I sit there starring at the path before me, and ask God for some crazy sign to know that it is the right path? But sometimes... it's just "come. I am waiting at the end." No spectacular fireworks display in the sky, no talking bush... no angels... just His still small voice asking us to come.

When Jesus told Peter to come, it was to go towards Jesus... to come closer to Jesus. Isn't that what God does? When we ask God for revelation, He says come... come near to me. Come near to me so that you can see ME more clearly... It's not about the circumstances or about the path... it's about Him. When I see Him more clearly, it means I understand His heart more clearly... and that means I will also understand what He wants for me more clearly.

But drawing closer to God is not an easy task... there will be "winds"... and when these come... it's so easy be like Peter, become afraid... and we start sinking. We start drowing in our own fears and anxieties. Fortunately God does not leave us drowing... when we cry out to Him, he IMMEDIATELY reaches out His hand to take hold of us. Then they are safe in the boat with Jesus once again.

I've been feeling like Peter... I know it was God calling me when I stepped out but when the circumstances got tough, I doubted... and I started drowning. Except I seem stuck in that place of fearing... and I need to get into that place where I realize that it's got nothing to do with God... but it is simply I who have stopped believeing that He is in control. Now it's time to cry out to God for Him to restore the faith... to restore the hope... to be safe in God's presense once again. I think God is really teaching me to not let circumstances... "winds" affect doing what God wants me to do. To not let them drown me... but to stay strong and rooted in God's calling, promises and simply... His grace and His love. It gets harder and harder with each year...

counting down... kinda.

Bah... my birthday is on Friday. Not my favourite day of the year... it should be, it should be a happy day of celebrations, but it is never in my case for some reason. This is probably one of the days that I dread most, I have come to associate this day with all things bad.

Forget it... self pity party over. As I sit here writing this... the lady behind me is crying because her life is so hard. And you know what... her life is hard. They can't work to support their kids because it's illegal... their landlord is kicking them out of their flat, and they're having a hard time finding a new flat to rent on the little money that social services offers them, UNHCR won't recognize their case as legit and grant them refugee status, and they're still waiting for news for private sponsorship to Canada, but that's been news-less for awhile now.

Yes, part of me has been crying for myself and the circumstances which I've found myself in lately... but it really isn't all because of that. I also cry because of what I see at work... and the stories and situations that I encounter here. The things I see around me are also breaking my heart... and it makes me cry as well. I am appalled at the amount of ads that I get bombarded with everyday as I walk to the mtr. Ads that tell me what I should fix to have the "best" looking body... ads that tell me what I need to wear to look good... and in general these ads have scantily clad women modelling they women do on the cover of men magazines. Serious?! As if that wasn't bad enough... then I am bombarded with condom ads that tell me that casual sex is good, and it is all about the enjoyment... Come on! Then I walk through pornography alley everyday as I leave work... (this I have a bit more control over... I can choose not to walk through there... which I will be more active in doing.)

Pity party over... bah, this is what happens when I tell God I want to be less selfish, isn't it?

How can?!

Another day...

Had a really good time at Plus last night. Hahaha... I love my Plus so much... praise and worship over skype... it was awesome! We couldn't stop laughing when it started... but it was good! I love the open sharing that we have... just a good time all around. :)

Woke up and saw all the updates on FB... wow... Canada... I'm speechless.

haha... that is all today. I will go and mourn our lost now... *sigh*