The way it should be... according to God!

So... I've debated for a long time whether to blog this or not, and I'm finally giving in and gonna blog it. Seriously, you should've all seen this coming, and it was only a matter of time before I started blogging about breaking up. :P

Let's just get completely honest... most of us ask the question "do you ever stop loving that person?" Or some form of that question... when does it stop hurting, when do you stop caring... etc etc...

Let me present this idea: What if you're not suppose to?

Now before you all start telling me how wrong you all think I am... or how stupid you all think I am, let me explain myself. What is love? (baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more) Sorry... getting back on track...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endure all things. Love never ends." ~ 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a

This is not "love" as the world has defined it, this is love as God describes it... this is the unconditional love of God, with which He asks us to love the world with. It doesn't say that this is the love that we use to love our significant others with... this is the love with which we are to love everyone with... friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, people you encounter on a daily basis. Regardless of whether you are in a "romantic" relationship or not... you are to love your sisters and brothers in Christ with this same love!

Before you were "together" you were brothers and sisters in Christ, and in most cases, friends. Nothing changes this fact... and you loved each other. Now just because you're no longer together, it doesn't mean that you get to stop loving. It doesn't mean that they're no longer your sister or brother in Christ! The source with which you are loving with has not changed. Friends, family, wife husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, coworker, lady on the street... you love out of the abundance of God's love in you. How you express that love to each of these different people is different... but the source is not. So when you breakup... you don't STOP loving someone, you simply change the way you experss that love. 

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." ~ John 13:35

Open your eyes and your heart and your mind... and look beyond your human understanding of what love is. Read that verse in John... it screams of a different way of life. It tells us that we must live differently than the world...

I understand that this is hard. I do. I know that some relationships end with so much pain and bitterness... that this sounds impossible. I've been there. I know the pain of abandonment and betrayal as well, but God IS bigger than all of those things. Let God have all of that pain, and allow Him to make you new. Let God cleanse you of all that... restore your heart, so that HIS love may overflow in you, so that you may walk out His purposes for you. God's hand is worth holding... a grudge is not, but you cannot hold God's hand until you let of the grudge. (I should know!)

"Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere and brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God." ~ 1 Peter 1:22-23

Yes... this is hard, but it is NOT impossible.

:)

2 days of this... the only thing that was missing was some sun... bwar! the loudest thing ringing in my ears was the sound of waves, the wind, and the chirping of birds... no ipod, no iphone... just nature, God, and I.

God spoke right into my heart... and it was exactly what I needed to hear. :)

I could blog about it... but I'm starting to dislike the lack of interaction on here... and I know people are reading this, so if you want to know... ask me in person!

The Waiting Game Continues...

Finally... PolyU and other application complete and submitted. 

I know that I already got into CUHK conditionally... but I still want to go to PolyU. 

So I have submitted this application in faith... that just because I got into one school doesn't mean that is what I am suppose to do.

So... now that's all done... it's back to the waiting game. In the mean time... taking Monday and Tuesday off to prepare for this next season of my life... too many changes too quickly. Need time to sit... pray.... and process it all! Can't wait! 

Show me Your Glory!

This song has been heavy on my heart since the start of this week:

Show me Your Glory - Jesus Culture

I see the cloud, I step in

I want to see your glory like Moses did

Flashes of light, rolls of thunder

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

Show me your glory, Show me your glory

Show me your glory, Show me your glory

I'm awed by your beauty, lost in your eyes

I want to walk in your presence like Jesus did

Your glory surrounds me, and I'm overwhelmed

I long to look on the face of the one that I love

Long to stay in your presence, it's where I belong

The thoughts I've been wrestling with is that... to see God's glory means to come face to face with the imperfections and impurities of our own selves. To see God's glory means that I see how unlovable I am, but despite all this, God loves me unconditionally! Then on top of all this, to proclaim that I am not afraid of that.


Can I really say that I am not afraid for God to show me His glory? To say that I am not afraid to come face to face with what I am in comparison to God's glory... and then to be able to accept that not in a self defeated way, but to fall flat on my face in realisation that I am nothing without God... and that I can do nothing apart from Him?


This is the confidence in Christ that is a result of humility isn't it? Am I afraid of what may be revealed to me as a result of meeting God's glory? Am I ready to see and accept all that God wants to reveal to me? Those words ring in my ear over and over again... "I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid..." And I believe that these words are the cry of my heart for God to come, because I want to see His glory, and all that seeing His glory means... and I'm not afraid of it!

Just floored...

This weekend... well... not even... but in the past couple of days, I took some steps out of my own comfort zone. I took these steps out in faith... one has an immediate effect on my life, and the other leaves the latter part of 2011 as a question mark. 

I personally has been left in awe though. In one day... God revealed to me once again how much I have changed this past year. I went to the information session at PolyU yesterday for the MSW program, it was such a huge blessing for me! I've always disliked information sessions, but it was good for me to go. To hear from the people who would be my potential professors and hear them talk about what they do, and what they were looking for in potential students. I was completely blown away by the honesty with which they presented the toughness of the course itself... and also the passion with which they had for teaching. It inspired me to not only try harder to get into PolyU, but also to just be better at what I am doing currently at my job! THAT was a gem that I did not expect to discover. There was also something that one of them said... that finally made me understand why this had been on my heart... and why God had put it there. I think this all makes for a very excellent coffee date material... hahaha, so if you want to know, you can buy me coffee... well tea, cause I don't drink coffee... :P

Having said that... I still don't know if I will be getting into school this fall, but I trust that whatever happens this fall, it was be according to God's will for my life, and it will be just as amazing as the journey this past year has been! Usually, I am overflowing with "what if" questions and anxiety... and just plain worrying about making decisions that have not even come up for me to make yet. I can honestly say that I am at peace... and not going off the deep end. I am in complete trust that my God will take care of all of this for me. I look in the mirror... and I don't know who this girl is who is looking back at me. Hahaha... but I like her... and I'm starting to like her more and more. :)

This is all just the school stuff... and is not even related to the 2 steps of faith that I had taken. I don't want to get into too much details just yet, but let's just say God opened some doors and instead of being me... and pondering and thinking and starring at the doors and waiting for God to give me a resounding "yes"... I simply took them, and I am at peace. He has not slammed the doors back in my face, but I have been met with confirmations left and right (which left me on the floor completely in awe of God!)... and also just an overwhelming sense of peace that all will work out for the best when the time is right. 

Honestly... the way I am living... the things I am doing... the things I am thinking... the things I am NOT thinking... the way I am reacting to things... none of this is me... as I know myself. Of course... there are still some stuff that remains... but I can sense God is moving those and changing those as well. It really feels like God has come into my life.... threw everything into the air.... and is now putting things into the places that HE wants them to go... some of it hurts... some of it is sad... but overall, it has been very good. :) 

Looking back to look forward...

So... about 3 years ago (9.05.2008) I wrote this (but never published it)...

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into Eternity" ~ Hosanna by Hillsongs United

Don't sing these words unless you mean it because God will open up your eyes, and He will break your heart. I feel him telling me that it's time to stop hiding behind masks. I feel his heart breaking because in hiding behind masks I'm not being all that He has called me to be. Thank-you to those who have listened without judgement. I'm learning to strip off my masks and to share what is truly on my heart and to be who God has called me to be. It's not good enough for God that I just simply go with the flow. It's not good enough for Him that I just do what everyone else is doing.

Don't be fooled by what you see. There is still a lot that has not been uncovered. I've put on all my masks because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I'm scared of being laughed at, and I'm scared that...

Total unfinished thought there! I find it so crazy though... that a year later I stripped off my mask and got on stage at 180 and shared my story. And even that's almost 2 years ago now!!Looking back on the past 3 years since stepping into Hong Kong, God has stripped off so many layers from me. Still... now... God is stripping layers off me! But with each layer He takes off, it is I who is surprised by what is revealed. It is I who is left in awe of God as He reveals to me the beauty that has been hidden away. In each revelation, there is a redemption of what had originally caused the putting on of another mask in the first place. 

As God removes more and more... it gets easier, yet harder. It's easier, because the more of His goodness He reveals, the easier it is to surrender myself to Him, and allow Him to have His way in my life. Harder because the deeper the layers are... the more of myself it has become... and the more it feels like a part of myself is being removed. Yet, it has all been worth it... and I really want to be completely stripped down to the person that God wants me to be!

Today I celebrate the hand of God over my life. It has not been easy... but I'm learning so much about what it means when it says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28. Actually... I don't think I'm just learning it... but He's making it come to life... through my life! What an honour. :) 

Oh How God Loves Us!

So I've been trying to figure out a title for this... and that was, I think the best way to describe what I am about to blog.

I'll be honest... I started my weekend like the picture above. I was upset at God... and I squatted in front of him and made sure he knew that I was not happy. But as always... it's hard to be upset at God for long... and it didn't take too much time before I gave up and went back to resting in God's presesnse... yes... this is how I am seeing myself as I rest in God's presense. Haha... okay... not so much resting, but just with God... and enjoying him... and being curious about him. :) 

It's been a hard weekend, but a very good one. I am so emotionally, spiritually and mentally drained... but at the same time... I feel so at peace. I don't know how often people can say that their break-up has been orchestrated by God... but I am here to proclaim that God has orchestrated this  break-up as much as he has orchestrated our relationship. A year and a half ago I wrote this: "I could have never ended up here on my own... and we could never have ended up here on our own without God. It was God who orchestrated every single part of this friendship and now relationship... and it was definitely Him who brought us together." I believe in these words today as much as I believed in them when I wrote it... but now I will change it to say "this friendship then relationship... and back to friendship." I believe that it is only by the grace of God that I can stand here and say that... we have decided to go back to being friends.

I don't want to deceive anyone into thinking that this has been easy, or this will be easy. This is simply my way of living out what I believe... that God's way is ALWAYS better than my own way. Humanly it would be so much easier to just ignore and avoid him on common ground... cause that's what is expected of me, but at the very core of who I am... everything that God has taught me and showed me... I know that this would not please God. So... I have decided to obey God. And I really believe that because of obedience, God has given a glimpse into the friendship that God has in store for us yesterday.

GOD IS SOOOOOO GOOD!!!! 

OMG! I'm starting to get it!

So crazy!

So on Sunday Dawn was talking about how light travels in service, it can either reflect, absorb, or transmit. She was talking about this in the sense that the light is the Word of God, and we are the substance that the Light is hitting.

So if that is the case... and God has made me a diamond, when the Light of God hits me the light that refracts from me should be so amazingly beautiful. That means that I am not just absorbing the Word of God and doing nothing about it... I am refracting all that God is teaching me through His word... all that He is encouraging me and inspiring me through His word is being refracted into everyone else around me.

The picture is no longer a dark room... but God has come in and there is a light that is shining onto the diamond, and now the room is filled with the beautiful sparkly colourful display that can only be produced from a diamond. It's so pretty.... I love looking at how light makes a diamond sparkle... and this is ME! I am that thing that can make such beautiful refractions of light... I am completely floored that my God can think so highly of me.

But that wasn't the best part... the best part was when the light started to come from the inside of the diamond. And the room started to light up because of the light that was coming through from the inside as well... and it made the diamond even more beautiful and more sparkly... unfortunately I am sitting at work... but I just want to get on my knees and cry. Cause I am in disbelief that this is how my God sees me.

Who am I that the Lord of the earth, who created everything can look on me with such pride, with such love, with such... adoration?! God... thank-you, it is beautiful. :*)

Why is my God so good to me?!

Tonight at 180... I poured it all out to God through worship. I poured out pain, disappointment, confusion, joy, etc into every note that came out of me... and it was beautiful. With each note that I released, God poured back into me His love. The more I let go... the more love He poured, and I was completely overwhelmed. 

After He had prepared my heart... He reminded me of my desire to walk the road less travelled, to always take the higher road in ALL situations. My God reminded me that what is strange and unheard of to the world is the norm for Him. What makes no sense to the world, is what should make the most sense to me, because it's what He wants. 

What if God had called you to set an example in something that... those around you require leading in? What if God had called you to break the rules and guidelines that has been setup by the world because they are no good to Him? How would you respond?

The responsibility seems daunting... I don't know if I can... it makes no sense. Such an honour... but so so so heavy! I alone will not be able to do this... it will only be through God and in God that this will be made possible. He alone will be my strength... He alone will be my guide... He alone will be the wisdom that I will need to carry this out. By His grace... He will make is possible. The only thing I need to do is be obedient and answer His calling. 

I know this is all because He loves me... and I am starting to get a glimpse of how great that love is... how all consuming it is... how life transforming it can be... and simply how deep it runs. My mind has been blown completely out of the water... and this is just the beginning!!! He's not even done yet! Wow... this is gonna be a crazy ride!

slap in the face...

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? will what is molded say to its molder, 'Why have you made me like this?' Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honourable uise and another for dishonourable use?" ~ Romans 9:20

Ouch God... those are harsh words, but they ring so true in my life. How many of us girls have ever stood in front of the mirror and wondered thoughts how certain attributes could be improved. Or stood in public whilst people watching and compared yourself to the hundreds of other women surrounding you... thinking about who is better looking, or better dressed, etc. Or picked up a magazine and wished that you had the hair of certain celebrity... or the perfect skin of another. If you're anything like any of the other bajillion women in the world... you've definitely had those thoughts.

With every critical thought of ourselves or other... we are criticizing the work of God. We are telling him that we could have done creation better than him! Ouch. I am very critical of myself... and because I am critical of myself... I think I've built up some protection of pride which makes it even worse when I am being criticized by other people. Even when they do it with the utmost care and love... my protection of pride will take it and twist it into something really horrible. Anyways... that's not what I am talking about today.

Today I want to talk about my self-criticism. About how I am always asking God the question "why have you made me this way?" I am learning that this is wrong... so very very wrong. I have no right to ask God that question because in God's eyes I am his perfect daughter. Even before I was born, he knew every detail of what I would look like... down to the smallest scar and freckle... and he knew every detail of my mental makeup as well as the details of the life that I would lead. ALL this He knew even before I was born... my only respone is wow.

God gave me a picture the other night... of a diamond in a dark room. (This is progress because up until that point, I haven't even been able to see the diamond.) At the moment... this is how I see myself. A diamond in a dark room isn't much good... and it's beauty is lost... In this next while... he wants to show me how HE sees this diamond. Oh this is gonna be scary... but this will be so exciting. This is a must... and God has promised that whatever he has started, he will see it to the end. So I know that I am in good hands!

Today...

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." ~ James 1: 2-4


Today I feel human... okay maybe the better adjective would be bratty. Today is one of those days where I wished that the words in James didn't ring so true in my life. I want to sulk at God that I'd rather not know how strong my faith could be... that I'd rather not be perfect and complete... think God would listen to me? Doubt it.


Today I'd rather it was just a physical distance that divides us and not spiritual, emotional and mental as well. Today I wished that this didn't have to be so hard, or that it didn't have to be this way... Today I wished that I could send you a message and let you know all that I was thinking and encountering at the moment... Today I wished I could share life with you still.


BUT...


"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." ~ James 1:12


"Every good gift and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." ~ James 1:17


God promises that if I stay with Him... if I trust in him without waver... greater things are yet to come. So I shall keep trekking.


So... today I am sad, but I will continue draw faith, strength, joy and love from the Lord, who has promised to take good care of me. When this passes I shall be "lacking in nothing"... whatever that means... but when God's involved, it's bound to be good, yah? :|

To Be Blessed...

Matt 5:8 ~ "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

Blessed as according to the definition in The Amplified Bible: happy, enviably fortunate, and spiritually prosperous - possessing the happiness produced by the experience of God's favour and especially conditioned by the revelation of His grace, regardless of their outward conditions.

There's been lots of stories going around Facebook talking about miracles and God's blessings... and last night when I was reflecting, God took me back to an old journal entry where I was talking about this verse. I had asked God what does it mean to be pure in heart? And what does it mean to see Him? So last night I did some digging around and looked up word meanings.

Pure is basically... to be free from the contamination of sin. Which is something we are when we come to the cross and accept the forgiveness of sins that Jesus' blood offers to us. Then I looked up what "see God" could mean. In the Jewish context, to see the face of someone or to be in their presense represents great favour. So in essense they are friends and favourites of God and will dwell with Him in His kingdom. (I'll come back to these things later...)

Today, I looked up the word blessed... it comes from the word happy. So going back to the meaning found in the Amplified... one thing that really struck me was "regardless of their outward conditions." Do you realize that it says NOTHING about God providing favourable conditions into our lives?! So to be blessed by God does not mean that he has made everything "good" on our terms or in the world's view... but it means to have a happiness produced by the experience of God's favour which is further conditioned by the revelation of His grace. I am floored right here. I'm gonna go out on a limb and compare this to the joy of the Lord. That to be blessed by God means to have the joy of the Lord.

So what was the point of all that? I want to declare and proclaim that I am blessed by God. There is a joy within me that allows me to continue to trust in my God, to believe that He is a good God, and gives me a hope for my future. Don't get me wrong... I am still sad, and I still have a lot of questions and hurt... but at the end of the day, I choose to hang onto the joy and not the other things. God's favour is that He loves me... and the grace of it is that I don't deserve to be loved by Him, but He still does. Ahh... this is so good! Thank-you Jesus!

Puts a whole new meaning to "Have a blessed day" doesn't it?! You're wishing them to be enviably fortunate... that everyone else they encounter would also want that happiness that is stemming from them! Forgive my excitement, but I am completely mindblasted at the moment!

Oops... I didn't have time to back to the other part of the verse... but that'll have to wail 'til next time!

Be blessed my friends!

Learning the Renewed Mind

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

~ Romans 12:2

You know... I grew up memorizing passages like this. But this weekend... actually for the past month now, God has been teaching me what this verse actually means. This weekend, he further reinforced everything that I had been learning.

Basically if my life has been transformed by Christ, then my thought life should reflect this. I'll be honest... my thought life does NOT reflect this at all! My thought life is a mess... actually, my mind is basically a vault of very dark and twisted thoughts... no jokes! This is something that very few people know about, it's not like anyone else can get into my thoughts and see what is going on in there. God does NOT like this... and it must be dealt with.

So as the Spirit convicts me to take a good hard look inside myself... I am being completely broken. BUT... it's progress, and in the brokeness I am learning a new freedom... so beauty! The best part is this verse promises that with the renewal of my mind... God's voice will be all the more clear! I am excited for that part!!!

Hiccups are a part of life...

Clinging onto these words for dear life at the moment... and to the peace that God has taught me to have in my heart... that in the midst of the storms in life, I need to have faith and believe that He will carry me through because HE'S IN MY BOAT!!! :)

Come away with me
Come away with me

It's never too late
It's not too late
It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you

It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of me

Open up your heart
And let me in

My Birthday Present from God :)

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you." ~ Isaiah 43:4a

The Hand that holds the World

I've finally made it! It's Friday... my birthday! This song just came on... and I think I want to make this my cry for this new year...

I want to stand before the King

Join in the song that heaven sings

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

I want to know the mystery

Reach out and touch the majesty

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

Those are power words... can you imagine... holding the hand of God... and that hand also holds up the world. The hand created the earth in which we live... it is by the hand of God that each of us are created... to hold that hand... would just be completely... face to floor kinda awe.

To let go of all that I am trying to hang onto... and to grab onto God's hand. I was listening to a podcast... and it said something like "When God asks for our stuff, he's not trying to take away our stuff, he's trying to take away our anxiety that comes with having all that stuff." So true... when God asks us to let go and hang onto Him... we can focus on Him... and as we focus on Him... everything else starts to matter less... sounds amazing. hahaha... but so so so hard to put into action! I know this isn't the first time I've talked about this... I talk about this all the time... still a work in progress to be able to let go of everything to give God my full attention... but I will continue to strive because I want to hold the hand that holds the world! :)

'twas the day before my birthday...

Some of my gifts from my wonderful Plus... :) Which fits right in at home... They threw me (and Bobo) a surprise birthday dinner. Unfortunately Bobo never made it! :( We tried every method of trying to get a hold of her. I felt really blessed though... and Sky was so good at distracting me that I had no clue!

My coworker brought in some flowers for me this morning... Yay... I like getting flowers. Plus.. they brighten up the office... although I hope the cold will not kill them before I take them home... :P

Our cook and others cooked me some yummy food! What could be better than food from our cook? Hahaha... even though I have a hard time with fish... her fish was so good, I had to at least try a piece! And it was sooooo juicy! Mmmm.... so good! Actually what I really appreciated the most was getting prayed for by my coworker before we started eating... that's something that money cannot buy! Awesome!

It's been an interesting week... but I've been very blessed. I'm just grateful that I'm not sick... and in bed. Well... I'd like to be in bed because of this cold... cold as in the weather is cold... not sick cold. But... I'm also glad that I'm not confined to my bed the day before my birthday this year! Still it has been a rough week even though not rough physically. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually... I'm so so so tired. Looking forward to the weekend... and getting some rest. I wish tomorrow was Saturday, but it is not... so I shall bear it one more day. Kinda sucks to have to work on my birthday, but I think I'll be okay with that. The last 2 years I've been sick out of my mind... although the year before I was still at work while being sick... :P

My God is a good God... even though I don't know what is in store for me tomorrow... and what I may have to face... regardless, good or bad, my God will be walking with me and He will continue to take care of me. I guess, I'm kinda looking forward to tomorrow... I've prepared myself for the worst... and may or may not have prepared a backup plan... but it SHALL be a good day tomorrow! Even IF I am left all on my own to celebrate by myself tomorrow, I will be okay.

:|

A friend sent this to cheer me up... hahaha... and it totally made my day. She thinks it's creepy... but I love it! hahaha... but that's because I love ducks! I would happily swim in a sea of rubber duckies! Rubber duckies and in general the colour yellow takes me to a happy place... that might be why my desk is surrounded by yellow coloured toys...

Anyways... was listening to the song "Here I am to Worship" by Tim Hughes this morning. If you don't know the chorus goes like this:

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that you're my God

You're altogether lovely

Altogether Worthy

Altogether wonderful to me

It was the first part of the chorus that really struck me this morning. I don't know why but I've somehow always associated those words to mean that as I come into the tabernacle, into the sanctuary... then I am here to worship and bow down and to say that He is my God. But as I was listening to those words this morning in the office... here is wherever I am. Here I am to worship... means that no matter where I am, I am there to worship God. Wherever I am... I am there to humble myself and say that He is my God, and He rules my life... and therefore I will humble myself and allow that fact that He is my God to come shining through in all that I do.

It wasn't a new revelation to me or anything, but just presented to me in a different manner... which made it all the more real... and the more true... and the more that I want to live this out.

Learning from Peter today...

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."

And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." ~ (Matthew 14:22-33)

Peter asked God for confirmation, not in the sense for God to reveal himself, but for God to reveal that he is God through Peter. He didn't say, if you are Jesus then send fire from heaven or something. He told Jesus to show his power through himself. How often do I ask God to reveal himself, but I sit there on my butt lazily waiting for Him to do so? How often do I sit there starring at the path before me, and ask God for some crazy sign to know that it is the right path? But sometimes... it's just "come. I am waiting at the end." No spectacular fireworks display in the sky, no talking bush... no angels... just His still small voice asking us to come.

When Jesus told Peter to come, it was to go towards Jesus... to come closer to Jesus. Isn't that what God does? When we ask God for revelation, He says come... come near to me. Come near to me so that you can see ME more clearly... It's not about the circumstances or about the path... it's about Him. When I see Him more clearly, it means I understand His heart more clearly... and that means I will also understand what He wants for me more clearly.

But drawing closer to God is not an easy task... there will be "winds"... and when these come... it's so easy be like Peter, become afraid... and we start sinking. We start drowing in our own fears and anxieties. Fortunately God does not leave us drowing... when we cry out to Him, he IMMEDIATELY reaches out His hand to take hold of us. Then they are safe in the boat with Jesus once again.

I've been feeling like Peter... I know it was God calling me when I stepped out but when the circumstances got tough, I doubted... and I started drowning. Except I seem stuck in that place of fearing... and I need to get into that place where I realize that it's got nothing to do with God... but it is simply I who have stopped believeing that He is in control. Now it's time to cry out to God for Him to restore the faith... to restore the hope... to be safe in God's presense once again. I think God is really teaching me to not let circumstances... "winds" affect doing what God wants me to do. To not let them drown me... but to stay strong and rooted in God's calling, promises and simply... His grace and His love. It gets harder and harder with each year...

counting down... kinda.

Bah... my birthday is on Friday. Not my favourite day of the year... it should be, it should be a happy day of celebrations, but it is never in my case for some reason. This is probably one of the days that I dread most, I have come to associate this day with all things bad.

Forget it... self pity party over. As I sit here writing this... the lady behind me is crying because her life is so hard. And you know what... her life is hard. They can't work to support their kids because it's illegal... their landlord is kicking them out of their flat, and they're having a hard time finding a new flat to rent on the little money that social services offers them, UNHCR won't recognize their case as legit and grant them refugee status, and they're still waiting for news for private sponsorship to Canada, but that's been news-less for awhile now.

Yes, part of me has been crying for myself and the circumstances which I've found myself in lately... but it really isn't all because of that. I also cry because of what I see at work... and the stories and situations that I encounter here. The things I see around me are also breaking my heart... and it makes me cry as well. I am appalled at the amount of ads that I get bombarded with everyday as I walk to the mtr. Ads that tell me what I should fix to have the "best" looking body... ads that tell me what I need to wear to look good... and in general these ads have scantily clad women modelling they women do on the cover of men magazines. Serious?! As if that wasn't bad enough... then I am bombarded with condom ads that tell me that casual sex is good, and it is all about the enjoyment... Come on! Then I walk through pornography alley everyday as I leave work... (this I have a bit more control over... I can choose not to walk through there... which I will be more active in doing.)

Pity party over... bah, this is what happens when I tell God I want to be less selfish, isn't it?

How can?!

Another day...

Had a really good time at Plus last night. Hahaha... I love my Plus so much... praise and worship over skype... it was awesome! We couldn't stop laughing when it started... but it was good! I love the open sharing that we have... just a good time all around. :)

Woke up and saw all the updates on FB... wow... Canada... I'm speechless.

haha... that is all today. I will go and mourn our lost now... *sigh*

heartbroken...

I saw something last night that really broke my heart... well... I see this all the time, but it just really bothered me yesterday. And technically... I saw more than one thing that broke my heart... but those are for another time.

So... yesterday while I was out for dinner with my family, this other family came in. We were sitting in a small room thing... so it was just us and this other family. I can't even really say family, it was a mom, her kid and their domestic helper. Watching their interactions... it just made me so sad. Obviously the kid spends the most time with the domestic helper... and she understands him better than the mom. It just felt like the mom was trying so hard to prove that she knows her son better than the domestic helper... Then after the ordering of food was done... she proceeds to be on her phone... and barely even looks up at her son let alone talk to him. She just sat there poking away at her phone... and let the domestic helper entertain her son. I can't even describe the full thing in detail, but it was just so sad! It was really painful to watch. Somewhere in between, the dad called... but because they had already ordered, he wasn't gonna show up or something. I just didn't get it... and it made me sad.

Made me look at my own family... and so happy that we could sit down for dinner together... talk to each other and not all be looking at our phones the whole time and not talk to each other the whole dinner. So grateful for my family... but I felt so sad for that kid. He was so smart too! He wasn't even that bratty, he was really smart and polite. No screaming and running around the restuarant. *sigh*

I don't think people understand this... but it makes me really sad. It makes me sad to see kids in the morning being taken to school by their domestic helper... or they'll walk with the parents down to the mtr station... and then the kid will ask the parent... "can't you take me to school today?" and the parent will say no... and ask the domestic helper to take the kid to school.... BAH!!!!! I can't stand that!

This on top of everything I'm already feeling at the moment... can I just sit somewhere and cry and just let it all out of my system? I think that will make me feel better...

Tuesday Blues?

Woke up feeling like s***.... I could just say crap, but that is not strong enough. Although I feel better than I felt when I went to bed... thank goodness for nyquil which knocks me out and makes me sleep like a baby. (yes... I am still recovering from my cold from before Christmas... and it sucks!)

I'm trying to justify the thoughts and the feelings which are flowing through me at the moment... and I can't. So I'm literally sitting here at my desk holding a teddy bear and drowning in worship music.

I don't want to justify these feelings and thoughts... it takes too much. Everytime I have tried, I just end up bawling my eyes out and I don't even know why. I just know that my heart is sad... something in my life is not right... so I guess that makes me not quite okay. Maybe there is something about this time of the year... that makes me sad in the heart... but what is it?

I also know that I am stressed... it's that time of the year again... school applications time. I know I need to sit down and do them... but I don't want to. It's causing me much un-needed stress. I'm also looking at studying elsewhere... thinking if going somewhere else to study would be better for me. So... yes, I am trying to not think about this... because it's causing me much stress. I just don't want to deal with this at the moment, but I know I need to... I only have a month to finish the HKU application. I wish God would just write it in the sky... 1) whether I should go back to school and 2) if yes, then where should I go to school?

As well... praying about serving. Wondering if there are gifts and talents that God has given me that is not being utilized at the moment... and should be put to use. I think I just have lots of thoughts going through my system... and no outlet. When I have no outlet, I start going crazy. I think that's where I am at the moment... slowly going crazy from a lack of release of my thoughts and feelings.

I am slowly going crazy 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
Crazy going slowly am I 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.....

Oh iPhone....

I am very amused by this break down of the alarm on the iPhone... and the comments that it has sparked on the internet. If you read the comments people are posting... it's like they have no idea what an alarm clock is... or how it functions. That makes me crack up.

I guess I shouldn't laugh too hard... if I had also slept in for something important I wouldn't be so amused. I almost did sleep in for sound check on Sunday... but praise God! He woke me up at just the right time... and I got to church right on time. :)

If no one had told me about the alarm, I honestly would've gone on believing that I had slept through my alarm... which is something I tend to do often anyways... hahaha... :P

Now that I have paranoia about the iPhone, I set my normal alarm clock... cause I actually have one... but the darn thing doesn't seem to have an off button... only a snooze button... and that's annoying... I guess that's what I get for using a free alarm clock...

Happy New Years!

Happy New Years!!! Can't believe that it's already 2011... where did 2010 even go?!

Had a really amazing day today... started with worship at church this morning... lunch... and then hanging out at Citysuper looking for chocolate... hahaha :P And then off to Tai Wai for some biking action! After biking we went to Fo Tan for some "dai pai dong" action!

It was just really nice to get out of the city... to get off the island and just not be in a mall, stuck at home.... or basically just sitting indoors somewhere. It was a tad bit on the chilly side, but otherwise, it was actually a really nice day to be out biking. It was cold, so it wasn't too crazy busy either!

Even better was just that it was nice to have some real conversations... to be able to speak my mind and share what's been on my mind and my heart lately. It wasn't any crazy intense heart to heart conversations or anything, but it was nice to be real. I really enjoyed getting to hear other people open up and get real back... It's always so nice to find people with whom you can have a real conversation with... when you get past the superficial surface stuff and get to real meat and heart of a person... I could really just sit there and talk for a long time.

Not just the conversations... but just the whole getting out of the city and going exploring... that was so nice. I feel like it's been so long since I've done that... Since I've had a meal in a location not by where I live or frequent often... I think it was just nice to do something not a part of my regular weekend routine. I like structure... I like routine because it is predictable and I tend to WORK best in those situations... but I don't think I like my life structured and routine... I think I start to suffocate.

Honestly... it felt like a fresh breathe of air today... literally and metaphorically. I'm not saying I hate my life or something is wrong with it... but I won't lie... weekends have become rather routine. I do the same thing like almost every weekend... So yes... this weekend was really nice. It wasn't even just today... even yesterday, it was nice. Spent the whole day with my parents... literally. Woke up... we went for dim sum... sent my cousin off to the airport express... as she returns back to Stratmore for school... then shopping for a bit... and then home to relax... and then out for dinner. Hahaha... my mom was joking that my dad was so excited that he didn't stop talking the whole day... cause he never gets to spend a whole day with me. She was joking, but I think it was only half joking.

Thank-you God for a really awesome weekend. It was just right... and just what I needed. :)
As well... our reward for braving the cold to go biking... hot vita soy and chocolate milk. It warmed us right up! Soooo nice! :)

Last Post of 2010!!!

Oh my goodness... here we are... the last post of 2010!

Hahah... I don't know if Naters still reads my blog... but if he does: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATERS!!! :)

Anyways... now what was it that I wanted to talk about today... I woke up thinking about pizza today... no jokes. I wasn't hungry or anything... but I was just thinking about pizza. It was a tad bizarre. Oh... now I remember what I wanted to talk about.

So last night I went to my first worship practice in I don't know how long. It's been awhile, I marked off all of December to give myself a break from serving. It was a nice break, I think I really needed that time to just be able to spend time with friends, family... and to have some time to be able to go into Sundays without the stress or anxiety of having to worry about serving. It was nice... and I definitely felt the effects of that break last night as I went into worship practice.

I had a really good time at practice last night, and it made me realize just how much I have missed playing, and how much I've missed the fellowship of everyone from the worship team. Well... a portion of them anyways... cause that's all I got to see last night. We got some time to just spend together praying for Sunday, for each other, for the Church and for the new year... that was really nice. Just to be able to put aside the music... and just come before God as a team to pray. We don't get to do that very often... AND we were still able to finish before 9! Amazing!

Last night, I was also reminded that I decided to play not because I wanted to please people, or to be a part of a band, or to be on stage... I play because there is a desire within my heart to want to make music... and to make music that glorifies my God. A desire to put into music the love in my heart... that knows no other outpouring than through moving my fingers over a keyboard. Even though sometimes as a keys player... I really am just holding very simple chords... but even in that simplicity God allows me to pour our my offering of worship... and THIS is why I play for worship... THIS is why so many years ago I wanted to play music for God.

It is through music that I find an outlet to release things that words cannot describe. I'm excited to play on Sunday! It's been awhile... but I'm glad that I got a break. It is through this break that I was refreshed... and reminded that this is somewhere that God has placed me... and simply... this is a place where I belong! Yay God! :)

Oh how selfish we all can be...

I've been thinking about how selfish people can be... and then I started thinking about how selfish I can be... this is something I like to think of while I am standing in line at the bank. When there is a long line at the bank, I too tend to get impatient, and I start wondering why they don't open more windows... or why the lady sitting at her counter is closed and not taking any customers... and then I always always catch myself in the midst of these thoughts. I too have been on the other side of the counter... I too have had angry and impatient customers yell at me about why there aren't anymore counters opened... or why I am closed while there is such a long line of customers waiting to be served.

Let me tell you... it's not that I didn't want to serve the customers who were waiting in line... it is simply that I had paper work or other things to be sorted from my pervious customer that needed to be dealt with before I could take a new customer. When I put myself back into that place, it is much easier to not get impatient and angry while I am waiting in line. I know and understand what they have to put up with, and what they have to do... therefore I simply choose to not let the long line bother me... if I make the choice to go to the bank during one of the busiest hours during the day, then I should expect to have to wait in line.

For the most part, I am okay with waiting in lines... I really just don't let it get to me. What really gets to me... is rush hour on the MTR. I try so hard to put myself into the shoes of those who are shoving bags into my face... pushing my face into someone else so that they can cram onto the train... cutting me in line so that they can get on the train... elbows, newspapers... etc etc. This I really just cannot understand.

In other situations I am also learning... to not let the "how does this affect me?" react first, but to look from the other person's perspective first. It is not easy... because my mind naturally wants to react from the point of view that I am the person who has been wronged... that I am the person that is in the right... but to lay that aside and say... well, maybe they had a bad day or maybe they're struggling with something... and to be gracious towards that and continue to love is very hard... and honestly, very unnatural to do. It is easier sometimes with people you love and care about, but only a tiny bit. For the most part when my person feels that it is being attacked... I do not wish to put myself into the other person's shoes.

This is one lesson that has a very very steep learning curve... but I feel that it is a very important one that will lead me to new places in the new year! Why else would God be making this such a pressing lesson that He wants me to learn... *sigh* God sustain me... and give me grace... because I know that I will not be able to do this on my own. My human nature just screams rebellion... but my heart desires to see this through... the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... :P

Missing the snow...

So... this is my 4th Christmas in Hong Kong... so it has been 4 Christmases where I have not seen snow... it makes me miss Canada. It really does... I really missed skating/playing hockey on Christmas Day... and trying to drive out to the mountains for a short snowboarding trip during the holidays... I really really miss snow!

Who would've known that when I came back for holidays 4 Christmases ago, it would result in 2 job interviews, and then a job offer which would ultimately bring me back to Hong Kong... and into the very life which I am living at the moment... working at a Christian NGO, working with Refugees and Asylum Seekers... dating Pyoo... God is funny. I didn't even have friends or a real church family at that time, I just decided to go "all in" and make the move to Hong Kong.

But that is ok, because we're going to Tokyo and Hakuba during CNY for snow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay snow!!!!!! I can't wait to see snow!!!! :)

Just gonna keep going...

So I made it all the way to Christmas... but I thought it might be a good idea to keep this up anyways. :)

Christmas break did not actually feel like a Christmas break this year... it was more just like a long weekend, so I'm still having a hard time comprehending that Christmas has come and gone. It was pretty good weekend, started the festivities with some family time, and then handing out daily needs packages in Wan Chai... then back to the Chow's for some food and fellowship and gift exchange action. I have to say, in general, people were a lot nicer this time than when we played it at Plus... by the end of the game at Plus we still had quite a number of gifts in the middle... hahaha, but at the Chow's... people just took what was in the middle instead of stealing most of the time. It was a very tame game of gift exchange.

Christmas Day woke up late... dim sum with the family, shopping, and then outdoor buffet at the Jockey Club out in Sheung Shui.... who has outdoor buffet in temperatures that are almost below 10?!?!? Anyways... food was pretty good... it was cold though... and so so far in the middle of nowhere! Then drinks with Vicks in Knutsford... just catching up on the happenings of Edmonton. :)

Boxing Day forced myself out of bed to go to service... it was good. Then Cheung Chau for lunch... home for a nap... and then family hotpot action out in Ap Lei Chau... and then home again to be warm under my covers for more sleep!

Holiday Monday... woke up to get ready for Caleb and Christina's wedding... chillings with people... and then to SoHo for Bomi's bday celebrations which consisted of mani/pedis, tea at Portobello's and dinner at Life Organic Cafe for some vegetarian goodness... just for Bomi!

What a weekend! So much eating... and sleeping. In the midst of the craziness, I think I'm learning to sort out my own thoughts... between what is real, and what is not. What is of substance, and what is a manifestation of my fears and anxieties. So hard... but it is good. Learning to fight and argue with that unreasonable voice in my head... somedays it still wins and I give in to listening to the voice... but will keep going... God will continue to sustain me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Only 1 day late... :P

Can't believe that Christmas has come and gone. Hope everyone is having a good one! It's getting chilly here in Hong Kong... so it kinda actually feels like Christmas... and I love that our building buys real trees every year so the foyer smells like Christmas tree!

Been an interesting last couple of days... of just eating, family and friends! Really don't got much to say...

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Advent Day 24

Oh my goodness it's Christmas Eve! and day 24 of my blogging exercise!

Before Pyoo got on the plane the other night we decided to give a prayer of thanks for everything that's passed this year... and there was definitely lots to be thankful for! A year ago we were all in fractic prayer for Pyoo's mom for his health and now she is healthy and doing well! That seems like so long ago now... God is so incredibly good!

This past year has definitely been a chellenging and stretching one... from leaving HSBC, to doing school applications, being unemployed and uncertain about my future,volunteering at different places, not getting into school, and then finding this new job... there were so many moments where I didn't think I would make it... so many times where I thought there was no hope because there was so much that was unknown and so much that didn't make sense... but here I am at the end 2010.

God has carried me through every happy moment, every doubtful moment, every confusing moment, every frustrating moment, every angry moment, through each and every single moment of this past year. Even when it didn't feel like he was... He was there. He is a good God! I learned once again that no matter how hard I try to plan... no matter how hard I try to guess at the unknown... I always fail because I can't plan better than God, and I can't guess what God might have up His sleeve...

Finally listening to Christmas music... it's funny... usually I start like in August... getting excited for Christmas and listening to Christmas music, but this year... it's been different. I wonder if that's age... or just because of the crazy, hectic and insane year that it has been... maybe it had something to do with not looking forward to spending Christmas without Pyoo again... :P Oh well... getting kinda excited... it's about time, cause it is Christmas Eve after all!

Have a good night, and stay warm and be safe! :)

Advent Day 23

Wow... tomorrow is Christmas Eve... where did this past year go? I can't believe that it's almost 2011!

This makes me laugh:

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die." ~ Proverbs 23:13

Although I also realize that it is a verse of much controversy... but it makes me laugh. I shall not get into a theological debate about whether it is or is not right to hit a child for discipline purposes. But here it is ladies and gentlemen... the verse IS in the Bible.

Pyoo left for NYC... AGAIN! That is okay... lots to do with everyone else... friends, family... that should keep me pretty busy until he gets back... but it does feel like he is gone extra long this time. And he didn't even leave me a Christmas present! Well... I guess I also didn't ask for anything specific... and according to what I wrote a couple of days ago, that would mean I shouldn't get anything... hahaha... but I don't think that applies to him. :P

Looking forward to just sitting back and relaxing... this weekend... doesn't even feel like a holiday... cause it's just a long weekend really.... but will make the most of it... as soon I finish these reports...

Advent Day 22

And here we are at day 22...

"The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches, honour, and life." ~ Proverbs 22:4

Somehow I don't think God meant material riches when it said riches... maybe he did. I don't know the complete theology behind this verse... nor have the time to dig into it at the moment. Just made me think...

Was thinking this morning whether life would be easier had I stayed at HSBC... I don't know... these questions are dumb and useless. What's the point in wondering? I think that is my nature... I always like to think and "evaluate" to see whether the decisions I had made were for the best, or had I chosen otherwise, things would be better. This is a horrible way to think! It doesn't even matter, because this is where I am because of the choices I have made... it's not like I can go back in time and change these decisions... so why do I bother with stuff like that?! I really need to stop dwelling on my past decisions.

Sometimes I really dislike that nature in myself to always have to make the "best" choice. What do I measure this "best" by anyways? By the world's standard? By my parent's standards? By my past experiences? "Best" should be measured by God... so as long as I am walking in His will then I am on the "best" path that I can be on. Okay... if I look at my life from any other perspective at the moment, I will say perhaps I have not made the wisest choice.... but when I see it from God's perspective... or in the scheme of His bigger picture... life ain't so bad. Learning to see from a perspective that doesn't scream justice for myself... wow... it is not easy. But I think I'm on the right path to learning what true humility is...

Advent Day 21

Wow... Christmas is in like 4 days...

My cousin is home safely! :)

So day 21 begins with me waking up groggy from the effects of Nyquil... Pyoo thinks I wake up like this everyday, I beg to differ. This morning was definitely the drugs.

Vanity... what does it even mean? Well according to dictionary.com it means the following:

excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc; character or quality of being vain, conceit

Humility... on the reverse is:

the quality of condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

Interesting... puts the reason why God loves modest people in perspective. Only modest people have room for God, only they are capable of giving God the glory that He deserves. Vain people think so much of themselves that there is not room left to give glory to God... Learning to strive for humility is a continuous process... still working on it.

Advent Day 18, 19 and 20

I appear to be getting lazy... you know, it's really hard to find something to write about everyday!

Slept in on Saturday (Day 18)... and then went to work. We had a Christmas Party... lost my voice after talking (and perhaps some yelling and screaming)... Woke up with a crazy runny nose... finally took some medicine before the party started... and it got me through the 4 hours without me trying to blow off my nose. Then it was attempted Christmas shopping... before giving up and going back to 18/F to just do nothing.

Sunday (Day 19) woke up tired... went to 11:30 service... had some lunch, and then headed over the the Leung's for Bacon and Eggs + Friends Christmas celebration! Mmmm... turkey and other foods from Vikki followed by some intense gift exchange action... so much stealing. I think by the end... most of the gifts had been stolen at least once... (except my wine glasses... *sigh*) and most were no longer available to be stolen.

Now back to today... Monday (Day 20)... wow... I can't believe that it's only a couple more days until Christmas. It honestly doesn't feel like it... I haven't done much Christmas shopping... nor do I have much of a mood for Christmas shopping. What do you buy for people who already has everything that they need? Maybe I should just start making donations in people's names as presents... How often has Christmas presents just sat in your home without ever being touched or used? I think I've been struggling with this for the past... I don't know how many years. Don't get me wrong... I love getting presents... (and having not bought anything for the past... 4-5 months I've definitely developed a little list of wants...) but I can't seem to justify buying useless things for people that I really don't think they're going to use...

This is one of my biggest struggles... I really dislike buying junk for people... but that makes it hard to buy for people who buy everything for themselves... hahahaha... so my conclusion is that I don't buy gifts for people... :P Unless they've specifically asked for something... I think that is the best solution... :)

Advent Day 17

Sickness continues... with drinking my Chinese medicine at work... blech! So gross...

At least it's Friday today! Yay! And we have tickets to watch Harry Potter! :) I do have to work tomorrow though... but it's just a Christmas party, should be fun! It's always a pleasure to see all the kids from the centre out and about... being cute!

I'm happy about the cold weather... but at the same time not. hahaha... It's nice that it actually feels like winter, but without indoor heating... (and bad circulation on my part) it's just really hard to stay warm sometimes. For some reason it feels like cold air is coming into my room from somewhere, but I can't figure out from where... This cold air blowing on me while I sleep is not helping my recovery process...

This job always has been sitting on the fence between compassion and justice... on one hand I really want to help these people... but on the other, I really want to be fair. Have not yet reached a conclusion of some sort yet... still debating it in my head. Let's just say... arguing with someone yesterday... or sorry, trying to explain without raising my voice (which I couldn't actually physically do anyways...) made my throat hurt even worse when I finished work.

1 more hour... almost there... now back to my reports...