Advent Day 8

Here we are... day 8.

Been thinking about this all morning... well, not all morning, but for the past little bit. What is it in us as ladies that causes us to desire to be beautiful? Not only that, but desires for that beauty in us to be affirmed by those around us. You know, as women we hear a lot "Your affirmation needs to come from God and not from anything or anyone else." But I would like to raise a question, is it not Biblical?

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.'" ~ Proverbs 31:28-29

I know he is not telling her that she is more beautiful than other women... but he does say that she is better than others.

"If you do not know, O most beautiful among women..." ~ Song of Solomon 1:8

Perhaps this is only okay within the context of marriage. Then again, maybe this shines a light onto why we desire to be "best" in the eyes of the one we love. There's always the argument that it is because of the curse from Genesis 3.

"Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." ~ Genesis 3:16b

I think I may just be digging a hole for myself at the moment. But I continue to dig... I wonder if this is all because we are God's creation, God sees us all as so, and therefore finds us all beautiful and lovable. Therefore, for us to be praised is actually bringing praise and glory to God because He is our maker. So our inner desire to be praised is actually built into us by God because it brings him delight when we praise His creation, which means we are praising Him!

I know that this has been so skewed in our minds... and we get in danger when we desire that praise for ourselves, and don't turn the glory back to God. But let's leave that whole thing for another day.

Please don't send me hate mail... these are just my thoughts. They're not solidly grounded in anything.

Advent Day 7

Got a lot of thoughts on my mind... but honestly, none of them are blog-worthy.

The weather's cooled off a lot this morning, it's nice. Starting to actually feel like December, perhaps... with the cold, it'll actually feel like Christmas is coming. Finished my Christmas cards... sorry to those of you who won't get one in the mail, I find myself getting lazier and lazier every year, the pack of cards I buy gets smaller and smaller... :P There's also the issue of not having addresses for a lot of people whom I wish to send a card to... My hand is a bit stiff and sore this morning from trying to finish all my cards last night. Now to get everything in the mail... I hope it all arrives on time... I'm cutting things a bit close this year... actually I think I do this every year.. :P

Was reading Proverbs 7 this morning... makes one think about the issue of sexual immorality... makes me think of all the news stands in Hong Kong that sells porn so shamelessly... and the alley I walk through every day in Chungking that's filled with this stuff... this stuff really is on every street corner... "at every corner she lies in wait." Solomon says the only way to keep from stumbling is to keep the Word of God in our hearts, to keep the teaching of God as "the apple of our eye." God must be our most desired, and we must know His word if we are to fight this fight... It's a hard fight, but it is not hopeless... "And if our God is for is then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us then what could stand against."

Advent Day 5 and 6... :P

So sad... I missed yesterday, but it could not be helped. I just didn't have time yesterday.

Anyways right now I just feel stupid... or just socially awkward. Francis Chan walked into our office this morning, and all I could do was stare. Hahaha... and after awkward staring from me, all I could say was "Hi!"... hahaha :P I feel like I met a celebrity... I wish I could've said what I want to say... oh well. Will just pray for him and his family, and God will speak to him. :)

To be very serious... all I can think about is Francis Chan... hahaha, we went to hear him speak on Crazy Love on Saturday, and then again on Sunday morning. This morning, I see him at work... so cool! Just been really blessed by the words that God speaks through him this past year.

Reflections wise... I think what he spoke about really tied in with what I wrote about a couple of days ago, about desire. God doesn't beg us to love him and worship him. Jesus paints for us a very real and blunt picture of what it means to follow God, and if we don't deem him worthy, then it is pointless for us to follow him. It all starts with whether we think he is worth, whether we think that he is worth more than anything else, and desire Him more than anything else in our lives.

Honestly, I really am still just in awe and shock. I know that it is because of some of things that I have received from listening to his podcasts that I have given up the bank to end up at this very job... that I heard God speak about pyoo... it's just so very very cool! I do pray that God will continue to bless him and his family as they continue to walk out His purpose for their lives. And that God will continue to bless their odedience to Him! :)

Even more so... I'm amused and in awe of God actually. Just so very very amused by the things he brings into my day, and the surprises that awaits me daily from Him... that reminds me of Him, what he's done in my life, and how much he loves me! He is soo soo good to me!

Okay... I guess I should also confess... one of the reasons I didn't have time to do my blog was because pyoo and I had to finish our Korean Drama watching... we finished watching our first ever korean dram together. Hahaha... it's nice to have someone to translate when the subtitles are really crap! Plus... it's helping me learn korean... so it was very useful and dare I saw beneficial to our relationship. :P Regardless, it was a good time, and I think sometimes the both of us just needs time to just sit and enjoy and do mindless activities. So I don't care... because I was enjoying quality time with pyoo!

Advent Day 4

Day 4...

Today I thought about focus.

"Let your eyes directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you." ~Proverbs 4:25

And then I thought about where I am heading. I read this today:

"But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day." ~ Proverbs 4:18

And I really liked it... it was a good reminder that I am always in light, no matter how uncertain my future is. And as I walk out what God wants for me, I am always walking towards the light. As I walk closer and closer towards what God has in store for me.. as I walk out his plan and his path for me... the brighter and brighter it becomes... and the more and more it makes sense. As well... the closer I get to Him, which means the closer I am to living in the light of His glory. That's pretty awesome.

Been thinking about dreams alot.. and God's purposes and plans for my life. He's been reminding me a lot that this isn't it, and that he still has a lot more in store for me, and that he has big plans for me. My life is not meant to be insignificant... none of our lives are. It's so encouraging to know that God's hand over my life... but at the same time... what that encompasses is so large, so scary as well.

Excited... but scared out of my mind... :P

Advent Day 3

Alright... so begins day 3...

Oh no I didn't get a chance to finish this today... and it is now 2 in the morning... but since I have not gone to bed yet... this still counts... :P

I have nothing deep and profound today, but it's been a really good day. Learned a bit about myself... we had to do these personality tests for work and apparently I fall into the classic profile of a perfectionist. I actually thought that was really funny. The description actually seemed to fit me quite right. This I actually found really funny... because I thought it was just the Canadian in me... but perhaps, it's more than just that...

Courteous: The words "please" and "thank you" may be instinctive to you. Because basic decency and respect go a long way, such an approach is bound to help form a satisfying environment.

On other good news... short chat with a friend in New York this morning to test out a new iPhone app... soooo funny! Too bad I had to work, would've been nice to be able to catch up a bit more... but I'll call again... cause the new apps allows for FREE phone calls! Called another friend from home... and heard good news from her! Was sooo happy to hear her voice, and hear her so happy! I literally started jumping up and down with glee at pyoo's.... :P Oh and did I mention that Pyoo bought me flowers today?


Nothing from the Bible today... but today was a day for me... where God showed me through so many different channels that He is a good God... and that He loves me, and everyone else around me! :) Hope you all had a good day as well.

Advent Day 2

So in celebration of the Christmas season... I've decided to alternate between red and green... :)

Today let's talk about desire. So this past weekend I was on a mission's trip with pyoo and his Plus at the Agape Family Life House. While we were there, one of the songs we sang the most was 'My All in All"... in Mandarin of course. Hahaha... anyways, one of the lines to that song is:

"Seeking you as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I'd be a fool, you are my all in all"

In Proverbs 2 it says:

"if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."

But before this seeking can take place, before these words can be real in our lives, it must begin with a desire for God. Think of a time when you've really wanted something. Because I am a girl, for the sake of illustration purposes, I will use shoes. I love shoes, and sometimes when I see a pair of shoes that I really like it really sucks when they come back and tell you, "sorry miss, we don't have your size." Then begins a search of different shoe shops that may sell the same pair of shoes, but in my size... A couple of months ago, while I was on such a search for a certain pair of shoes, it hit me. Shouldn't I search for God with that same desire and passion? If I am willing to search high and low for a pair of shoes, should my God not get the same from me if not more than that?

So before even the searching begins, the thought for today is, do I have that desire and thirst for God? Is there such a strong desire within me for my God that I would search high and low until I find Him? I think there is no point for me to even go searching for Him, if I don't desire Him in that way... because unless I desire in that way, I will not search for it the way it talks about searching for it in Proverbs. So today I will learn to desire more hungrily for my God!

Advent Day 1

So I don't even know who reads this blog anymore... but for December, I've decided to try and do an entry a day, as my own advent calendar. We'll see how this goes.

So my thoughts on Advent day 1 begins...

Repent. That was what was resounding through my head as I fell asleep... or perhaps, it was Mark Driscoll's voice as I fell asleep listening to his podcast. Not to say that the podcast was bad... but it was 1 in the morning, and I was tired! It was in reality, blunt and right in the face as usual, and I wanted very badly to listen to all of it, but just did not have the energy... plus the podcast goes on for 1 hour and 20 mins!!! Regardless, that was one of the things that I was thinking of as I fell into deep deep slumber...

This morning I read this:
"If you turn at my reproof, behold, I will pour out my spirit to you;
I will make my words known to you." ~ Proverbs 1:23

I think God's thoughts for me this morning was very simple... as the advent season begins, as I begin this countdown towards the celebration of His Son's birth, it must begin with repentence. As I start this journey to meeting Him in a new way this Christmas season, I must repent before I may experience the Spirit in a new way, and gain a new understanding of His Word. Today I will repent.

reset... restart... refill... refresh... here it comes!

The man declares, I am weary, O God;
I am weary, O God, and worn out.
2Surely I am too stupid to be a man.
I have not the understanding of a man.
3I have not learned wisdom,
nor have I knowledge of the Holy One.
4Who has ascended to heaven and come down?
Who has gathered the wind in his fists?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is his son’s name?
Surely you know! ~ Proverbs 30:1b-4

This is what I woke up to… not even a joke. I am so tired… and I feel so stupid, or just confused, but God is bigger than that. God’s knowledge and wisdom is bigger and beyond my human understanding. So instead of trying to trust in my own ways, my own understandings, my own knowledge… I just need to trust in God. So I told God that I was sorry for trying to take care of my circumstances on my own strength, for trying to do what should only be done by Him. Then I asked for more faith, more love and more hope so that I may persevere, not in my own strength, but on His strength.

the Proverbs 31 woman...

"Faith in God that sees beyond present bitter setbacks. Freedom from the securities and comforts of the world. Courage to venture into the unknown and the strange. Radical commitment in the relationships appointed by God. This is the woman of Proverbs 31:25 who looks into the future with confidence in God and laughs at the coming troubles: 'Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.'" ~ John Piper



I strive... oh I strive... but alas I still fall so short of becoming her. But I desire... and I know that I have set my eyes on becoming what God wants for me... so He will make it possible. Ladies... it is not hopeless! He will bring the strength it requires to become the woman of God that He calls us to be! Just hang on!

red carpet treatment...

I was having a conversation with someone last weekend, and they made a comment that I really liked. It went something like this... "Sometimes I wish that God would just roll out a red carpet in the direction that He wishes me to go, so that I just need to walk down the carpet."

After I heard that... I said "I know exactly what you mean. Please tell me when that happens!"

Hahaha... oh how I wish that God would just roll out the red carpet for me, so that I don't have to spend all this time wondering if I am going the right way... or walking around directionless looking for a direction to go in... I think it would just make life so much easier in so many ways. Then as I was thinking about this... this verse came to mind:

"Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." ~ Matthew 7:13-14

It reminds me that although my path seems hard at times... and most of the time it doesn't even make sense to me... I know that it is the path that leads to life. I've told God time and time again that I don't just want to live a status quo life for Him. I've told him that I don't want to live the easy and comfortable life... I said that He could dictate my life as He pleases, and that if He calls, I will follow.

This is my encouragement. When times are tough, I know that they are not in vain. It is an answer to my prayers... He is simply answering my prayer to help me live a life that is pleasing to Him. He is leading me towards a life that is led by His Spirit and not what the world tells me. I said that I would not live by the expectations of the world, but only by the expectations of God... so here I am. Living a life that doesn't quite make sense to any around me... and to be completely honest, there are some days when it doesn't even make much sense to me.

This really encouraged me the other day:

"Having faith means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives makes sense to unbelievers." ~ Francis Chan in Crazy Love

Haha... giving up my bank job in risk management doesn't make sense... not when they were about to give me a permanent job with a pay rise and promotion... or when I was on track to fulfill my dream of getting into a better job within risk management either... Taking up a job as a PA in a Christian non-profit... which some may say I am overqualified to be a PA (Personal Assistant) makes no sense... but I trust that this is God's plan for me. He has brought me to this place at this time for a reason, so I will continue to do my best to be a light to wherever it is that He brings me to.

Just to be completely honest... there are still moments when I wish God would just give me the red carpet treatment, and just roll out the carpet towards the exact place He wishes for me to end up. Hahhaa... but then I guess Jesus didn't arrive on Earth with red carpet treatment either, did He?! Oh.... I have much to learn about humility... ouch.

On Comparison

Asian is the name, and Comparison is the game. I don't know about you, but growing up, this was what life was all about. These were some phrases that I remember hearing the most often from my parents, esp my mom:

"Why can't you be like (fill in names of parents' friends' children)."

"You know your brother did (fill in name of good deed) the other day. Why can't you be more like that?"
And mind you... my brother is younger than me!

"You used to be (fill in name of good trait). What happened to you?"

So if that is how I grew up... always and constantly being compared to other chilren around me, to my brother... and even to my old self, how am I suppose to not expect that I am still always being compared by everyone else in my life. This was obviously true when we're in school and at work. You performance at school is definitely based on how you do in relation with the other students in your class, as well as the other students within your grade. At work, your evalution is based on how well you work with relation to all the other members on your team.

BUT... and now this is a big but... I met God, and God does not say "You know so and so does this. Why can't you be more like them?" This is what my God says:

"Namely, the righteousness of God which comes by believing with personal trust and confident reliance on Jesus Christ (the Messiah). [And it is meant] for all who believe. For there is no distinction, Since all have sinned and are falling short of the honor and glory which God bestows and receives. [All] are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favor and mercy), through the redemption which is [provided] in Christ Jesus," (Romans 3:22-24)

ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. None of us are perfect, and by His Son, we are ALL made righteous. God doesn't sit there and ask me why I'm not more like Jesus. He gives me the Holy Spirit, and beckons me to come closer to Him. As I draw near to God, as I learn more of His heart, His Spirit living in me naturally responds. As that Spirit responds to God's love for me and for His world, the words and actions which result are naturally Jesus-like. As we allow the His Spirit to lead our lives... we will naturally become more Christ-like as Christ Himself also relied on that same Spirit.

God doesn't compare us to other Christians, other non Christians, to Jesus. We must all hold account to our own actions, it's all between us and God. We are saved not by our deeds, but by our faith in Him. I can't do anymore, so that He will love me more. He always pours out His love in abundance for me. He doesn't love someone else more because they serve in more ministries than I do. He doesn't love someone else more because they give more money to the church than I do. Jesus made that very clear in the New Testament that God looks at our hearts and not at our works.

This is something I've known for a long time. I've done the Bible studies... I've heard the sermons... I've given the advice... but maybe this is a fact which has not yet become true in my heart. I have a hard time comtemplating this about God... I'm learning that I don't fully understand or believe in this. Growing up... comparison became competition. When I came to fully understand comparison, the desire of my heart was to compete with everyone else to gain affection from my parents. If I could not rise to the top of "the list" then my parents will not love me. I'm not saying that they do not love me, or are not proud of me... but this is how I came to understand what makes them proud, and what makes them love me.

To dispell this belief that life is a competition... it is hard. It's a deeply rooted tree that will be very hard to cut down. It's a belief that runs deep into the core of who I am, but I know that God is trying to cut down this tree. He wants me to understand that He does not measure my worth based on what I do and how much I do. He love for me is unconditional... nothing changes it. Nothing increases it, and nothing decreases it. I don't always be perfect, because God already knows that I will never be perfect. If I misbehave, He will not throw me out of the house as a punishment, He will not yell at me in His anger and frustration, He will not ignore me because He is angry at me. He may gently scold me, He may rebuke me, but He will never do these things in anger or frustration.

I'll be honest... this love is hard for me to understand. I've only know rebuke and punishment in anger and frustration. I'm not saying my parents are bad parents... but that is all I know from them growing up. The asian way is to "encourage" their kids to excel or do better by provoking the competitive nature within them. Yet, this is not true in God terms... we are ALL the SAME. There is no competition... there is no comparison. He loves us all the same... the same amount... in the same way. He sees us as all the same... God doesn't use competition to push us to be better people, He uses love, He leads by example. To God... it's all about love. "Love covers over a multitude of sins."

This will be a hard lesson... but it shall be a good one. :)

remember to take the time to smell the daisies!

flowers: someone mentioned "take time to smell the roses" the other morning. So I took the idea and ran with it...

This is what resulted: buying flowers for all the ladies in the office.

The response: A lot of why's and where did the flowers come from? Which was accompanied by smiles all around. :) Hahaha... Why? Because I wanted to. Where did they come from? I bought them!

I didn't do it for gratitude, or even the smiles on the their faces... while a little bit for that. I did it mainly because I've come to realize, young or old, ladies love flowers. Well... maybe not... but I like to think that flowers brighten up our days... and it entices something in our hearts as women. There is a sense of appreciation that lights up in the heart when women receives flowers... there is a sense that they've been thought about... I don't quite know how to explain it, but that's why I did it. To let each of the ladies in the office know that they've been thought of and are appreciated for who they are and what they do. Ultimately my goal is that they will know that their Father in heaven loves them, and is thinking of them and appreciates and loves them for who they are and delights in all that they do!

My job is really simply to be obedient and do as God asks. The rest... the spiritual part... that I leave in God's hands.

what's next has arrived...

hmmm... so it's been a very crazy 2 weeks :P

So, those of you who were at 180 about 2 weeks ago, would've heard me share about my situation. (For those who missed it... you'll definitely have to download the podcast of Lance!) Anyways... so during ministry time, I just really felt God prompting me to go grab the mic and share. To tell them that sometimes God asks you to give up things without giving anything in return, and you're simply left waiting on Him. There is no certainty of what will come next, or even when that will come... but even in that it is good, it just takes an extra measure to faith to believe that He has an amazing plan, and that it WILL come to pass. Then to explain, that was exactly where I was.

If you haven't talked to me in awhile, or been following my blog, God asked me to give up my job at the end of last year. Long story short, He asked me to give up my job and to follow my heart... which ultimately means to follow Him. At the time, I felt the desire to go back to school and do a degree in Social Work (I still have that desire!). It didn't matter that when I quit in January, I would not have an acceptance into school yet, I just knew that regardless of whether I got in or not God had something better than HSBC for me. So I took that plunge and quit my job. So began my period of waiting on God.

My last post was about how I didn't get in, and that was basically what I shared at 180. I followed God... and then I didn't get into school and I had no idea what I would be doing now. After my sharing, someone basically came over and offered me an employment opportunity. I prayed about it... tried for it, and now I will be starting work on Monday! (If you want to know the full story, just ask! It's more fun to share that way!)

God has blown my mind once again... and I am left speechless in awe of Him... He is soo soo good! I am a little nervous about working again... because unemployment has been really really nice... but I'm also excited for what God will be showing me at my new job! :)

sidenote: 2 more weeks to New York!!!

So the answer was no...

Hmm... so I guess it's about time I sent out the latest update. The irony of it is that right after my last post, where I decided I was gonna "name it and claim it" I got the email from HKU rejecting my application. So... I didn't get in.

So how am I feeling? Confused, disappointed, maybe a tinge of anger, but mainly just more confusion. I wasn't kidding when I said that I had no plan B... because I trusted that this was what God had in store for me. I still trust that God has an even better plan A for me than me going back to school. :)

What now? Don't ask... because I honestly don't know. Waiting on God for the next step of action. At the moment I will continue to pray and seek Him... at the same time... prepare for New York... in less than one month! EEK!!!

Gonna hang on to God's promises over my life... because they are amazing... and they're gonna blow my mind! Plus... it's like the best way to live life... well... it definitely keeps me on the edge of my seat. hahaha... it's not the easiest... because the always not knowing and waiting gets to me sometimes, but the end result has always been better than I could have planned for myself!

So that's that... my quick update for now. :)

a lesson in prayer from my Father in heaven

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." ~ Mark 11:24

These have been the recurring words from my quiet time in the past week. So I'm going to start praying with the belief that He is going to open up that spot for me at HKU.

This is an area of prayer that I've really been struggling with in the last while. For the longest time I've been feeling that I can't just ask God to open up that spot and see Him come through, because that would limit God. I'm not giving Him the room to do what He will in my life. It's like what if God doesn't open that spot and things don't work out? But this past week, I've been wondering if that means I am doubting what God has called me to do. Before I quit my job, I distinctly felt that God was calling me to a time of equipping and that He was calling me away from the financial industry and into the area of social work. Therefore, by not praying specifically into what God has called me to do... do I not believe that this has been His calling over my life?

Someone had given me this verse a couple of months ago: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a doubleminded man, unstable in all his ways." (James 1:6-8) I don't want to be like that man... I'm going to start asking in faith and with no doubting. I know what I heard many many months ago, and I'm not about to let uncertainty steer me away from what God has called me to do. I'm not going to let the enemy continue sowing his seeds of doubt into my heart.

Today I start anew, today I start fresh... I'm getting on my knees and praying in expectation that on September 1st, I will be starting school. There may be more crying... and more humbling to be done by God, but He is a good God, and I trust that He will make me ready for September... whatever that may mean. Should be another interesting couple of months!

missions... i love!

I'm trying to get my practicing done for Vine Band touring, but I need to get all this processed first, so here we go. 2 blog entries in 2 days! Woohoo! :)

You know it's funny... 4 years ago, I was trying to go to China to work in an orphanage of disabled kids, and it fell through. Now, 4 years later, I get to go to 2 different sites to work with 2 different groups of disabled kids! I ended up at a Children's Home in the Philippines. Looking back, I probably wasn't quite ready to go to China to work with abandoned children.

So from Mar26-28 I got to go to Langfeng, and then Apr1-6 I was in Hengyang. One was a foster home with 20 some physically disabled kids, and the second was a ministry ran inside a government run Welfare center. In the latter, we got to work with 135 physically and mentally disabled kids. Both were amazing.

One thing that kept resounding in my head was Mother's love. That's something I don't talk about... and haven't touched on in a very long time. God reminded me of my very own abandoned child and through each baby held, each coo heard, each finger pull, each smile received... God restored them into my heart. He taught me to love these kids and babies, and through it He taught me how much He loves me. Through teaching me to love these abandoned kids, I saw God's love for my own. There is no need for me to be sad, or feel like I've missed out because God is love, and my child rests in God's perfect love.

God has given me a Mother's heart, and I know that is from Him and He as well has the heart of a Mother. We always talk about the Father heart of God, but God is both a Mother and a Father to us. As the babies in the room cried, or with every tug on my shirt or arm... I got a glimpse of the Mother's heart of God. The tender side of wanting to scoop us up and hold us until we stop crying, or to just listen to the stories that must be shared, or simply just to give the hug or cuddle that is wanted. I wish my arms were big enough to hold them all in my arms, but they are not, and I had to hold them one at a time.

One of the things that touched my heart the most was walking with a child who's just learning how to walk. Just holding her arms and steadying her as she walks up and down the corridors and around the room. As her and I walked, God spoke. He told me that's how it is when He's trying to teach me something new... and as I try to learn to walk in the new things on my own, He's holding me and keeping me steady. He's ready to catch me when I get tired and just want to plop myself down right then and there, whether it be to catch my fall or to hold me up and get me to keep going. Through out the whole process though, He doesn't let go... and His grip is strong, no matter how hard we pull or try to let go... He hangs onto us. :)

I thought I had missed out, but I know that I haven't at all. God gave me a very special glimpse into His heart for me and for my child. Through each child I met during those 2 weekends, I got back a piece of my own... and it restores my heart and gives me a peace that I just don't quite know how to explain or describe. God is good!

Do you know that it is really hard to sulk at God, and be angry at Him? That's what I wanted to do today... just sit and be angry with God, and it is not working out so well.

The school front is looking rather bleak... CUHK has outright declined my application. HKU has given me no offer or a spot on the waiting list. She did say that there would be another 2 rounds of offers still... and that my chances aren't exactly zero. She was waaaay nicer than the lady at CUHK and waaaaay more encouraging! I've been trying to complain to God, and demand answers from Him... but it hasn't been working so well.

First of all... we had this conversation on the weekend already. I already told God yes or no from HKU I will still love Him, and trust in him. He asked me time and time again on the weekend "Do you trust me?" I told him I do... so I will continue to trust. God's track record in my life is 100%.... he has NEVER failed me, and He will NEVER fail me. Therefore, I will trust.

Second of all, he reminded me of something. When I was having doubts about leaving HSBC, he gave me this scripture "But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it." ~ 2 Timothy 3:14 He reminded me of that night... and the reassurance He gave me, and the peace that accompanied that reassurance.

I'll be honest, it hasn't been easy. I'm not tired... my eyes are puffy because of the crying. I'm leaning on my God to carry me through this, because there is no backup plan. School or no school, God's plan is my plan... and that's all that matters to me. I know that God has a plan for me... and I know that it's gonna be crazy, so I will keep going like He has asked me to do.

On top of loving me... God gave me something really precious on the Hengyang missions trip, so with that I will keep going. (Will share on that in a later blog!) I know that it is a good God who loves me, and that He will neither leave me nor forsake me. He will carry me when I am weary and unable to walk. So... once again being angry at God fail... learning more about how much God loves me and how much He just wants me to let go and trust in Him... definitely win-win!

after 1 month...

So, one month of unemployment has ended. All supporting documents have been submitted, and in 2 weeks time, I have my interview with HKU. Prayers much appreciated.

Anyways, in the past 2 weeks, I've encountered the word "steadfast" numerous times, most often in the context of the "steadfast love" of God. It got me thinking about what is the exact definition of steadfast, so as always, I check one of my favourite reference sites... dictionary.com. According to dictionary.com steadfast means:
1. fixed in direction
2. firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc
3. unwavering

This got me thinking, God's love is directly fixed on me, with the sole purpose of loving me, and it is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Nothing I do or do not do can change this fact about God's love for me. When it comes down to it... it's a concept of God's love that is rather hard to fathom... because we ourselves as humans are unable to love unconditionally to the same extent that God is able. I'm learning to see that at different stages of our lives, we gain a new understanding of God's love for us. Yet even through these different stages of life, by the time we leave this world to be with Him in heaven... we would still not have grasped the extent of His love for us. It is not until we leave this world to join him in heaven, that we will be given the full revelation of His love for us.

That's pretty crazy...

update for the masses...

ok... so I thought I would put up an update before the month of january ended.

So... as of tomorrow, I am no longer an employee of HSBC. A couple months ago, while I was in the midst of looking to switch teams at work... and then thinking about whether to take the permanent contract that they have offered me for my current team... God asked for my job. Well... he didn't directly ask me for my job, but He got right up in my face that night and asked me what I was doing. He had given me a calling, a direction, and I was about to forget all about it in a pursuit for a better position and more money.

This past month I've been working on applications to go back to school... to pursue a career in Social Work. Completely unrelated to math... I know! Yet, I am at peace knowing that this is a step that God is calling me to take... whether I'm actually suppose to go back to school or not... I'll know when I get my acceptance, or lack there of. I trust that God is calling me to follow him by leaving HSBC, so I am at peace knowing that He is in control, and He taking me to exactly where he wants me to be.

At the moment, online applications have been sent, references requested... and I just need to mail in my supporting documents. Then the waiting game begins. :)

3... 11... 23... and 40

3 more days left to 2009
11 days until Pyoo gets back to HK.. :P
23 days left of work at HSBC
40 more days until I get on a plane for New York...

seems like everyone around me has been counting down to things... so I've started my own stash of counting down... :P

a much needed update...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

So in the past little while, God has really made this verse come to life. He has shown me what it means to live out this verse... in the area of relationships.... or to be more specific in a boy. :P

Let's back track. So growing up in church, having read most of the popular "Christian dating literature"... I was taught early on that I needed to have "a list." I was taught that in order to keep from compromising or worse yet.. "settling" I needed to determine early on all the characteristics that should be desired in my future husband. So like most girls, I too had a list. A couple of years ago... well.. in the aftermath of my last serious relationship, I pulled out the list and riped it up. I don't remember what induced me to do that... but I remember that moment very distinctly. I pulled out the list, riped it to shreads, and told God I'm tired of handing him a check list and praying for a check list. I basically told God that since He knows me best, then He will know and understand exactly what it is that I need, and I'm gonna stop telling Him how to do his job. So that night, I handed the daunting task of finding "the one" into God's hands. I don't think I had any idea what I had just gotten myself into with God...

Now, I don't want to paint a flowery picture of how everything works out just because you hand over this area of your life to God. That is not how life works. I struggled just like every normal girl in the limbo of wanting to give God complete control and wanting to take things into my own hands. I still made mistakes, and I still made poor choices. I still gave away parts of my heart that I probably shouldn't have, crossed boundaries that I shouldn't have... struggled with finding my identity in Christ as opposed to finding it in a significant other. If anything, letting God have complete control, the struggles of insecurity and loneliness only seemed to increase.

So in the past little while, while I have been trying to lay everything down before God, learning to find God in EVERYTHING, learning to praise God in the good and the bad... and learning that He IS everything and that He is IN everything as well; God has been orchestrating a story that has completely blown me outta the water. I've been given full permission to blog about this from Paul (and shall be known as Pyoo from henceforth), so I shall.

So Pyoo (whom I affectionately has described as "self proclaimed best friend" to those at home) and I found ourselves in a place where we needed to DTR (define the relationship). Well, after a rollar coaster ride of emotions and confusion after a certain event which I have kindly named "Pyoo's dropping of the A-bomb"... we had a talk. During the talk we acknowledged that there seemed to be a little bit more than just friendship brewing, but we wanted to have God's full blessings before proceeding with anything. We saw that God had really placed similar burdens/passions on our hearts, and callings which were also very similar. One thing that really stuck out to me that night was that we really felt that God was calling us to travel the road less travelled.... but we weren't sure if that meant we were gonna travel that road together. So began the journey to praying for God's confirmation that this relationship was part of His plan, and that He was gonna bring us together in marriage.

For me, God had already given me my Bible passage of confirmation. So in the past month, I simply watched that passage come to life in Pyoo, and in our friendship. (2 Corinthians 1:20-21) Along with more passages and confirmations from God, He really gave me peace in my heart. In this time... in many many funny ways from God that probably only I would understand, I got my answer. I also learned that we girls really do have it easy. :) With God's peace, I was okay with waiting for the most part... I had my impatient moments... :P I wasn't really allowed to say anything about what God had spoken or revealed... and had to wait silently for Pyoo to hear from God. So on Halloween, God spoke... and so begins the next phase of this journey together, with full confidence that this journey leads to marriage... but more importantly an eternity in heaven with God. In the mean time, while on earth, we've been given the honour of walking this journey together... and that's pretty exciting!

I could have never ended up here on my own... and we could never have ended up here on our own without God. It was God who orchestrated every single part of this friendship and now relationship... and it was definitely Him who brought us together. Hahahaha... let's just say that if God hadn't intervened, I'd still be trying to run away from Pyoo.... :P

And God said yes...

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ. And so through him the 'Amen' is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." ~2 Corinthians 1:20-22

The road of obedience is hard... but I've tasted and seen "what is to come" and I want to see more! Since the only way to see more, is to take this next step in obedience, I WILL do it. I know it will be possible because I will not be going alone, nor will I have to act in my own strength. Let's be honest, I ain't got no strength... it's all God. ALL GOD!

taking new steps forward...

so begins another month... august. I can't believe that July has already come and gone... I have already returned to Edmonton and come back to Hong Kong. What a trip!

Before I left, I think God had already started to change me. Before I left I wrote the following:

"I don't like where I am right now... so by the process of elimination, that only leaves me with once choice. I MUST keep going forward. Regardless of how scared I am, or how unwilling I am at times... it is the only choice that makes sense. It is the only path that is lit up... the only path has teeming with life and hope."

That is what I have been trying to do. To go forward with my life... which all started even before I left for Edmonton. In the last several weeks, I have been learning to step out in obedience, learning to follow God's still small voice, learning to sort out my own thoughts from the pulling of the Holy Spirit. The result? A joy and peace that can only come from God. An outcome that screams that the hand of God is over my life!

While in Edmonton, God allowed and created the platform for reconciliation. He allowed for me to complete the process of healing He has started in Hong Kong. It is now finished, the wall of anger, bitterness and hatred has been broken down. In it's ruins sprouts new life, new hope, and new friendship.

Back in Hong Kong, I've decided to apply the same principle to work. I'm so tired of where I am... so I took the plunge. Gonna give something else a try and see what happens. I've told some of you of certain openings elsewhere that I have been approached to think about. So I thought it about it this week.. as in I really thought about it. I've decided... why not. What's holding me back?!

Basically, the one thing that I have been learning is this: the smaller I become, the stronger I feel. The more I lay myself down, the more confidence I gain in God's hand over my life. I like to make excuses to get myself out of doing things I don't like... one of those things is stepping forward. I get myself into places or situations that I don't really like, but make up excuses for why I don't get myself out of them. Really, it was just out a fear of the unknown. Yet, as I stop making these excuses and stepping out, I am learning that there is nothing to fear when God is in control.

A time of change is coming in my life, I feel it, and I'm sooooo excited for what is coming. I have no clue as to what it will look like, but I'm very certain that it's gonna be beyond my wildest imagination anyways! So forget giving God the steering wheel, I'm abandoning ship altogether and jumping into God's ship instead.

the learning continues...

I think I'm learning that just because I've told THE story doesn't mean that I get to shut myself up and become a hermit... even though that is what I really want to do. I'm learning that just because I've shared doesn't mean that it's never going to haunt me ever again. I'm learning that just because God's used my story to encourage others doesn't mean that I don't need others to come along side me and encourage me in return.
Sharing what I thought was my deepest darkest secret has left me feeling rather naked and vulnerable. Except there are 3 things I can do from here... I can turn around and go back to where I came... which is in hiding with my shame and condemnation. I can stay where I am, scared outta my mind and feeling lost, or lastly, I can suck it all up, take God's hand and keep walking towards the promises He has spoken over my life.
I refuse to go back to that prison of lies. I don't like where I am right now... so by the process of elimination, that only leaves me with once choice. I MUST keep going forward. Regardless of how scared I am, or how unwilling I am at times... it is the only choice that makes sense. It is the only path that is lit up... the only path has teeming with life and hope.
The irony of it all at the moment, is the fact that I will be returning to Edmonton next week for a visit. I will be returning to the place where most of my pain and disappointment lie. To be honest (sorry to everyone at home..) but a place... where at this moment in my life, I really don't want to be in. HK is freedom, Edmonton is prison... but I know that I must go. I also know that I must go joyfully with God as my strength. He will go before me, He will go with me, and He will continue to be there after I leave.
I will not go back with my head low, but I will walk into that place with my head held high, my heart on my sleeve and the Spirit of God in me. I will not let my past dictate who I am, and I will not be a prisoner to my past. I'm not that person anymore, God's made sure of that. I will cling to my identity in Christ... and that alone is who I am. What God has given me, no one can take away!

The trap...

Lately, I've been feeling like a fly caught on fly paper. Alive... but stuck.

I knew that after sharing that God's work was not done. I knew that God still had more in store for me... and I also knew that my opening that door that my past was gonna come knocking. Yet, as the past comes knocking I find myself getting caught up in it. I'm starting to feel the weight of it once again... I don't like it, but I'm too proud to admit that I'm struggling.

I've fallen back into the trap... of lies from my past. I know I'm being pity... but maybe I need to throw this tantrum at God first. Maybe I need to tell Him how I really feel about all of this. Well... it sucks, and I don't think it's fair!

My head knowledge struggles with this.... because I KNOW God's ways are higher than my ways. I already know that HIS timing is better than my timing. I don't need the head knowledge, and the quoted Bible scriptures... thanks but no thanks. My head's already full of that... but the head knowledge is not helping the pain that is in my heart.

I am alive... because God already gave me a new heart... I just need to get rid of this fly paper which is pulling me down.. and pulling me back from all the promises God has for me.

Wow... I really had to.

So, everyone's been asking me how I feel... I think I've figured it out enough to put it into words. So here goes:

I feel like a little girl who just got everything she wanted for Christmas and so so much more! I feel so loved and I feel so blessed... and I'm just simply basking in how great God is. I feel so small but so privileged.

Do I really have to?!?!?

About a year ago, I wrote this:

This weekend, He taught me that I need to be patient. I need to let Him complete His process of fine-tuning, to let Him finish the cleaning out of all that displeases Him in my life. He came, put His arms around me and said "Hold up there, I'm not done yet, so I can't let you go out there. I need to stay put right where I've placed you, and trust me. I'll get you there when the time is right. But for now just chills right here and do what I've asked you to do."

Lately... God's been saying the opposite.
"If you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" ~Esther 4:14

God's been telling me that it is time. I keep hearing that the time to break the silence has arrived. The time for me to speak has come... I cannot sit on this quietly any longer. The time has come for God to use my story. I have gone through everything, and ended up in Hong Kong for "such a time as this." This is exactly where I am suppose to be right now... and this is where God is going to use my story to impact others.

I don't know when and how this is all going to happen. I know that He's preparing me, and that it's going to be crazy! I am so not ready, but it's burning in my heart. I've taken about half a step out in obedience... and been hit with confirmation left and right that my time has come. It fuels the fire and makes my heart burn even more!!!

I am soooo terrified right now! But at the same time, I am so excited! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... the time is coming!!!!

Discipline

³Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

⁴You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.

⁵And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;

⁶For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

⁷You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?

⁸Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all].^B)">(B)

⁹Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live?

¹⁰For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

¹¹For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].

¹²So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees,^C)">(C)

¹³And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured. (Hebrews 12:3-13, The Amplified Bible)

God has definitely been disciplining me lately. When it first started, oh... how it hurt! But then I read the words in Hebrews... it's only because GOD LOVES ME!!! This gives me joy...

It's time!

"For everyone who continues to feed on milk is obviously inexperienced and unskilled in the doctrine of righteousness (of conformity to the divine will in purpose, thought, and action), for he is a mere infant [not able to talk yet]! But solid food is for full-grown men, for those whose senses and mental faculties are trained by practice to discriminate and distinguish between what is morally good and noble and what is evil and contrary either to divine or human law. THEREFORE LET us go on and get past the elementary stage in the teachings and doctrine of Christ (the Messiah), advancing steadily toward the completeness and perfection that belong to spiritual maturity. Let us not again be laying the foundation of repentance and abandonment of dead works (dead formalism) and of the faith [by which you turned] to God, With teachings about purifying, the laying on of hands, the resurrection from the dead, and eternal judgment and punishment. [These are all matters of which you should have been fully aware long, long ago.] If indeed God permits, we will [now] proceed [to advanced teaching]. For it is impossible [to restore and bring again to repentance] those who have been once for all enlightened, who have consciously tasted the heavenly gift and have become sharers of the Holy Spirit, And have felt how good the Word of God is and the mighty powers of the age and world to come, If they then deviate from the faith and turn away from their allegiance--[it is impossible] to bring them back to repentance, for (because, while, as long as) they nail upon the cross the Son of God afresh [as far as they are concerned] and are holding [Him] up to contempt and shame and public disgrace. For the soil which has drunk the rain that repeatedly falls upon it and produces vegetation useful to those for whose benefit it is cultivated partakes of a blessing from God. But if [that same soil] persistently bears thorns and thistles, it is considered worthless and near to being cursed, whose end is to be burned. Even though we speak this way, yet in your case, beloved, we are now firmly convinced of better things that are near to salvation and accompany it. For God is not unrighteous to forget or overlook your labor and the love which you have shown for His name's sake in ministering to the needs of the saints (His own consecrated people), as you still do. But we do [strongly and earnestly] desire for each of you to show the same diligence and sincerity [all the way through] in realizing and enjoying the full assurance and development of [your] hope until the end, In order that you may not grow disinterested and become [spiritual] sluggards, but imitators, behaving as do those who through faith (by their leaning of the entire personality on God in Christ in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness) and by practice of patient endurance and waiting are [now] inheriting the promises." (Hebrews 5:13-14, 6:1-12, The Amplified)

It's time... time to start "inheriting the promises" that God has in store for this generation. Except this will only come through our spiritual maturity. It's time to stop being lazy, complacent, indifferent, ignorant, etc. I say NO MORE to being spoon fed the gospel. NO MORE to going around the same mountains. NO MORE to the same messages of repent of your selfish ways and turn to God. Let's get past all this which we already know and go deeper! How many more times do you want to come crying to God about the same issue? How much longer are you going to wait for God to chase you around for?! Let's do away with the spiritual highs and lows that we love so very much to talk about!

It's time to stop singing empty words, making useless vows. "When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. ... Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God." (Ecclesiastes 5:4-6a, 7, NIV) We've all sang the words, we'll stand in awe of God. We're standing with hands high and heart abandoned, souls abandoned, giving our all to Jesus. Let our lives reflect what we say. We proclaim that greater things are yet to come and to be done. Now let's ALL start living like we BELIEVE what we're proclaiming!

Everyone, I think it's time we shake up this planet with our Faith! The question is are you ready and willing to help with the shaking?!?!

I was having a hard time this week... and by the end of this week, I found myself listening to these words over and over again:

"And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn Lord and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you"~Obsession from Delirious

I want my heart to burn for God. I need my heart to burn for God. He must be my Obsession, and nothing else!

it was just TOO funny!

I've decided that it was just TOO funny to NOT share. I actually had trouble holding in laughter during service when this happened, so I'm gonna share it.

So this morning in service, we played Mighty to Save for worship, and then we also played it again as response. We played it last week for service as well.... and then at 4pm we sang it again as the response song. I had just been talking about how many times I've played/sang that song in the past week that morning. So when it started... I really just couldn't contain my amusement with God... and with our worship leaders!

All amusement aside though, I think I may have found myself in a very uncomfortable storm. It is small, but it is there and I feel it. God's been speaking lots in the past several weeks, and I've started to walk out some of what He has called me to do. So I actually find much comfort in these words:

"Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.

Forever, author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave."

Nothing can stop God from fulfilling all that He has spoken over my life. Nothing will stand in the way if it is His will. If He can move mountains and conquer death, He can and will make sure that what He has promised will be fulfilled.

I admit I don't understand at the moment. I admit I may not like any of it at the moment, but I will wait in expectation that God will see it through. I will wait obediently because I know that at the end of it, it's gonna be immeasurably better than I have ever thought of imagined!! I'm sooo excited to see how God is gonna meet me in this storm!

God's given me so much joy lately that I'm having trouble holding it all in! Even in the midst of the storm, all I can do is sit there and smile, because I KNOW that God's in control and that He loves me sooooo much! He is gonna take me where I have never been, and it's gonna be AMAZING!

oh the Joy!!!

MTR Ride out to Kwun Tong - $11.20
Korean food from food court - $50.00
The PURE JOY of finding the giant rubber ducky - PRICELESS!!!!

random train of thoughts...

So... 3 things I've been really pondering on lately.

1. I just got home from my trip to London and Paris several days ago. I think one of the best parts was just to get out of town, and to just be far far away from work. (Despite the fact that HSBC is UK based and that there are more ads for HSBC out there than here at home...) Work has been very stressful for me lately, and I've gotten to a point where I have troubles waking up and getting ready for work. I just don't want to be there. I feel so insignificant at work, and this fact was further affirmed by the fact that by 2 in the afternoon, my supervisor still had noticed that I was NOT at work. This really makes me wonder, "Why am I still there, then?!"
I love being on vacation because it makes me feel so free. Free from the stress and demands of work. Free from feeling like I have to confirm to the ways of the corporate world, free from everything my job demands me to be. Free from the degrading comments of my supervisor and the unspoken demand that I need to pull many hours of OT. Being on vacation I was free from all this, and that is simply why I love being on vacation, where what I do with my time is for me to dictate and not not work.

2. I threw myself a pity party the other day. I had an attack of just really horrible thoughts. My heart was filled with pain and sorrow, and all I wanted to do was cry. It all suddenly made me feel so insecure, and insignificant. These thoughts are still haunting me... I keep finding my thoughts wandering to "It's NOT fair!" Such selfish thoughts... but at the same time, a part of me still wants to demand justice. The logical side of me screams "Grow up, get over it, and move on already!" Except the emotional side of me wants to demand answers and aplologies still.
Some days it still hurts, and it still seems unfair. This was one of those days. It's not that I don't want others to be happy... I mean, I certainly don't want to be haunted by this forever... and therefore do not wish this to loom over anyone else either. But in my immaturity which leaks through at times, I still just want to sulk in a corner and whine about how "it's just not fair!"

3. Culture shock. I think I still suffer the most from culture shock when I step foot back into the HK International Airport. Or perhaps it's simply the immense amount of Chinese people that I'm constantly surrounded by that causes culture shock in me. Going to the Philippines did not cause culture shock, going to a Native reserve did not, London and Paris... nothing. I come back to HK... culture shock. That's seriously not even a joke... I always find that I have to readjust back to HK life no matter how long I was away for.
.... perhaps I have some sort of culture identity issue... *sigh*

"This wasn't the plan... but it turned out so much better."

Haha... it resembles my thoughts so perfectly. Hong Kong was never part of the plan. The plan was Vancouver. It has always been Vancouver. That's been the plan since I was like 14! Except time and time again... it just never happened. Circumstances caused me to not take my acceptance into UBC. Then... God opened the Hong Kong door.. and Vancouver was lost yet again. I tried one more time this past year with my desire to go back to school... but somehow that just never felt right either. So here I am, signed up for another year in Hong Kong.

Working in HSBC was also never part of the plan. I studied math.. in order to finish some sort of a degree. I took the job, with the hopes of getting away from Edmonton and getting my foot into the door for a bigger bank... and dreams of just climbing the corporate ladder through it somehow.. to find a way into an investment bank through it. Actually, bank work was never part of my plan period. I don't know what I had planned for myself... but this definitely was not it.

Nothing in my life at the moment was how I had planned or imagined it, but it's all turned out so much better. God's taken care of every tiny little detail of my life... now how do I get rid of this one last thorn in my heart?

the new year...

I can't believe that it's been a year since I've left Edmonton and started a new life in HK. This past year has definitely been interesting... (you'd have to ask if you want to know... too much to write all on here.)

A year ago I had no idea what the year would bring, and what would happen when the year ended. Now the year's coming to an end, and I've found myself signing a contract for another year at the same job. So I will be in HK for another year... and feeling the same as I was a year ago.

Same in the sense that I don't know where I will be after this year is over, but different in the sense that I'm very confident that this next year is gonna be another amazing year with God.

friends

I saw this picture in the Standard the other day. It reminded me of friends... 'nough said.

at the bottom...

Home by Micheal Buble... the song that makes me sad. It reminds me of one the most surreal days in my whole entire life up to this point.

~The first time I heard this song was in your car. The first time I heard this song, I started to cry... but no one knew. It was the morning after I found out... the morning when everything in my life came crashing in on me. The start of my long climb back up the steep slippery slope I had fallen down.

I cried because the words were the cry of my heart. They were the words I was crying out to God.

"Maybe surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone I just wanna go home Oh I miss you, you know"

I wanted to go home to the Father. Never in my life had I ever been so disappointed, so devastated, so lost and so confused. ~

God's been digging deeper... I feel like He's ripping me apart from the inside out. Somedays the pain is so unbearable... and I just hurt. Don't know how to express the pain... not even through tears. So I just hurt.

A Prayer for You

this is actually titled A Prayer for the Ephesians in the NIV, but I thought it was good... so wanted to share it with ya'll.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~Ephesians 3:14-21

*note: During Paul's time, Ephesus was a major commercial centre. It was one of the greatest trading centres in the Eastern Mediterranean. A large extent of her prosperity was due to its geographical location.

my prayer...

strip me of my friends
strip me of my family
strip me of my dreams
strip me of my desires
strip me of all that i hope for
strip me of my music
strip me of my ministries
strip me of basketball
strip me of hockey
strip me of my academic achievements
strip me of all my head knowledge
strip me of my fears
strip me of my anxieties
strip me of my doubts
strip me of my money
strip me of my pride
strip me of all that pains me
strip me of all that brings me joy
strip me of all that i believe ME to be

what remains will be a slab of clay waiting for the Artist to come and turn it into a beautiful work of art.

what's in a name?!

My 2 worlds have collided lately... with the influx of visitors... and to be honest, it feels rather strange. When I left Edmonton 8 months ago, I didn't think very far ahead. A part of me simply saw Hong Kong as an escape, because in my tunnel vision, I had but one thing on my mind. I needed to get outta Edmonton. I needed to be gone from there... for my sanity's sake! So upon arrival... I made a decision to leave behind the "old me" and start fresh... and one of those things was to stop introducing myself as Cel (pronounced Cil.) This name of mine, is what leads me to this blog entry...

I've been known as Cel for so long now... my family calls me by that name! Call my house and ask for Cel... and you shall get me... (most of the time... given you get the right number and that my family can hear you... hahahaha :P) With the influx of visitors and hearing my friends call me that once again.. (not just online, or in emails but outloud) it feels nice. It's familiar... and it feels right. hahaha... Cece (with the Chinese accent) or Cec... or Ce... is not. They are honestly very foreign and strange sounding to me... sometimes I think to myself... "That's not my name... I have a nickname, I don't need a new one..."

Anyways, that's still not the point. The point is that I can't run away from myself. I can't pretend that a part of me doesn't exist. Haha.. trust me, I've tried pretty hard. The truth is that, everything I've tried to leave behind is a part of me. Always has and always will be. Me going by another name, doesn't make me a different person. :P I'm slowly learning to embrace everything for what it is... part of God's plan for my life. Ultimately it will all be used for His glory. Yes, there are parts that were painful.. and events that I'd rather pretend like they didn't exist in my story... but they do. All these things combined, is what makes it MY story and no one elses.

God is so gracious and compassionate... and as I learn to embrace all that he's given me.. good AND bad... I know that greater things are yet to come! :)

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." ~ Ecclesiastes 7:14a

A new door?!??!

8 months... and counting. I can't believe that it's been 8m months... just like that! With 4 months left, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's next. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what's happened in the past 8 months.

As I near the end of this contract... I find a potential new door before me. It could be an amazing opportunity if it all works out. Yet, I'm scared that I'll still be miserable. I know that I have a choice to make... and neither of them are easy. Neither of them are set in stone, neither are for sure. They're just possible things that I could do. They are very different from each other. Basically my choices are 1) stay on my current career path and 2) make a career change.

It's doing something familiar in a new place, or doing something new in a familiar place. Bah! I don't like being put in a position where a decision needs to be made. Perhaps this is why God keeps putting me in positions where I have to... I need to learn where my heart lies and where my passions lie. I need to figure what I love doing more. I need to really look into my heart, and into God's will for my life... and see what I need to do.

Prayers please! Thanks!

On Forgiveness...

"When forgiveness finally roots in you, you find you have nothing left to say at all." ~Jenny Schroedel

"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us and only then do we forgive it." ~ Lewis Smedes

Why is a life of forgiveness that hardest thing to live out? Why is Jesus' example of forgiveness so hard to follow? I have but one word: Pride. My pride stands in my way between hanging onto a grudge and forgiving completely... but I know that God is working on changing that.