Do I really have to?!?!?

About a year ago, I wrote this:

This weekend, He taught me that I need to be patient. I need to let Him complete His process of fine-tuning, to let Him finish the cleaning out of all that displeases Him in my life. He came, put His arms around me and said "Hold up there, I'm not done yet, so I can't let you go out there. I need to stay put right where I've placed you, and trust me. I'll get you there when the time is right. But for now just chills right here and do what I've asked you to do."

Lately... God's been saying the opposite.
"If you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" ~Esther 4:14

God's been telling me that it is time. I keep hearing that the time to break the silence has arrived. The time for me to speak has come... I cannot sit on this quietly any longer. The time has come for God to use my story. I have gone through everything, and ended up in Hong Kong for "such a time as this." This is exactly where I am suppose to be right now... and this is where God is going to use my story to impact others.

I don't know when and how this is all going to happen. I know that He's preparing me, and that it's going to be crazy! I am so not ready, but it's burning in my heart. I've taken about half a step out in obedience... and been hit with confirmation left and right that my time has come. It fuels the fire and makes my heart burn even more!!!

I am soooo terrified right now! But at the same time, I am so excited! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... the time is coming!!!!

Discipline

³Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.

⁴You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood.

⁵And have you [completely] forgotten the divine word of appeal and encouragement in which you are reasoned with and addressed as sons? My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;

⁶For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

⁷You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline; God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?

⁸Now if you are exempt from correction and left without discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate offspring and not true sons [at all].^B)">(B)

⁹Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly] live?

¹⁰For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but He disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in His own holiness.

¹¹For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].

¹²So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees,^C)">(C)

¹³And cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured. (Hebrews 12:3-13, The Amplified Bible)

God has definitely been disciplining me lately. When it first started, oh... how it hurt! But then I read the words in Hebrews... it's only because GOD LOVES ME!!! This gives me joy...

It's time!

"For everyone who continues to feed on milk is obviously inexperienced and unskilled in the doctrine of righteousness (of conformity to the divine will in purpose, thought, and action), for he is a mere infant [not able to talk yet]! But solid food is for full-grown men, for those whose senses and mental faculties are trained by practice to discriminate and distinguish between what is morally good and noble and what is evil and contrary either to divine or human law. THEREFORE LET us go on and get past the elementary stage in the teachings and doctrine of Christ (the Messiah), advancing steadily toward the completeness and perfection that belong to spiritual maturity. Let us not again be laying the foundation of repentance and abandonment of dead works (dead formalism) and of the faith [by which you turned] to God, With teachings about purifying, the laying on of hands, the resurrection from the dead, and eternal judgment and punishment. [These are all matters of which you should have been fully aware long, long ago.] If indeed God permits, we will [now] proceed [to advanced teaching]. For it is impossible [to restore and bring again to repentance] those who have been once for all enlightened, who have consciously tasted the heavenly gift and have become sharers of the Holy Spirit, And have felt how good the Word of God is and the mighty powers of the age and world to come, If they then deviate from the faith and turn away from their allegiance--[it is impossible] to bring them back to repentance, for (because, while, as long as) they nail upon the cross the Son of God afresh [as far as they are concerned] and are holding [Him] up to contempt and shame and public disgrace. For the soil which has drunk the rain that repeatedly falls upon it and produces vegetation useful to those for whose benefit it is cultivated partakes of a blessing from God. But if [that same soil] persistently bears thorns and thistles, it is considered worthless and near to being cursed, whose end is to be burned. Even though we speak this way, yet in your case, beloved, we are now firmly convinced of better things that are near to salvation and accompany it. For God is not unrighteous to forget or overlook your labor and the love which you have shown for His name's sake in ministering to the needs of the saints (His own consecrated people), as you still do. But we do [strongly and earnestly] desire for each of you to show the same diligence and sincerity [all the way through] in realizing and enjoying the full assurance and development of [your] hope until the end, In order that you may not grow disinterested and become [spiritual] sluggards, but imitators, behaving as do those who through faith (by their leaning of the entire personality on God in Christ in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness) and by practice of patient endurance and waiting are [now] inheriting the promises." (Hebrews 5:13-14, 6:1-12, The Amplified)

It's time... time to start "inheriting the promises" that God has in store for this generation. Except this will only come through our spiritual maturity. It's time to stop being lazy, complacent, indifferent, ignorant, etc. I say NO MORE to being spoon fed the gospel. NO MORE to going around the same mountains. NO MORE to the same messages of repent of your selfish ways and turn to God. Let's get past all this which we already know and go deeper! How many more times do you want to come crying to God about the same issue? How much longer are you going to wait for God to chase you around for?! Let's do away with the spiritual highs and lows that we love so very much to talk about!

It's time to stop singing empty words, making useless vows. "When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. ... Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God." (Ecclesiastes 5:4-6a, 7, NIV) We've all sang the words, we'll stand in awe of God. We're standing with hands high and heart abandoned, souls abandoned, giving our all to Jesus. Let our lives reflect what we say. We proclaim that greater things are yet to come and to be done. Now let's ALL start living like we BELIEVE what we're proclaiming!

Everyone, I think it's time we shake up this planet with our Faith! The question is are you ready and willing to help with the shaking?!?!

I was having a hard time this week... and by the end of this week, I found myself listening to these words over and over again:

"And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn Lord and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you"~Obsession from Delirious

I want my heart to burn for God. I need my heart to burn for God. He must be my Obsession, and nothing else!

it was just TOO funny!

I've decided that it was just TOO funny to NOT share. I actually had trouble holding in laughter during service when this happened, so I'm gonna share it.

So this morning in service, we played Mighty to Save for worship, and then we also played it again as response. We played it last week for service as well.... and then at 4pm we sang it again as the response song. I had just been talking about how many times I've played/sang that song in the past week that morning. So when it started... I really just couldn't contain my amusement with God... and with our worship leaders!

All amusement aside though, I think I may have found myself in a very uncomfortable storm. It is small, but it is there and I feel it. God's been speaking lots in the past several weeks, and I've started to walk out some of what He has called me to do. So I actually find much comfort in these words:

"Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.

Forever, author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave."

Nothing can stop God from fulfilling all that He has spoken over my life. Nothing will stand in the way if it is His will. If He can move mountains and conquer death, He can and will make sure that what He has promised will be fulfilled.

I admit I don't understand at the moment. I admit I may not like any of it at the moment, but I will wait in expectation that God will see it through. I will wait obediently because I know that at the end of it, it's gonna be immeasurably better than I have ever thought of imagined!! I'm sooo excited to see how God is gonna meet me in this storm!

God's given me so much joy lately that I'm having trouble holding it all in! Even in the midst of the storm, all I can do is sit there and smile, because I KNOW that God's in control and that He loves me sooooo much! He is gonna take me where I have never been, and it's gonna be AMAZING!

oh the Joy!!!

MTR Ride out to Kwun Tong - $11.20
Korean food from food court - $50.00
The PURE JOY of finding the giant rubber ducky - PRICELESS!!!!

random train of thoughts...

So... 3 things I've been really pondering on lately.

1. I just got home from my trip to London and Paris several days ago. I think one of the best parts was just to get out of town, and to just be far far away from work. (Despite the fact that HSBC is UK based and that there are more ads for HSBC out there than here at home...) Work has been very stressful for me lately, and I've gotten to a point where I have troubles waking up and getting ready for work. I just don't want to be there. I feel so insignificant at work, and this fact was further affirmed by the fact that by 2 in the afternoon, my supervisor still had noticed that I was NOT at work. This really makes me wonder, "Why am I still there, then?!"
I love being on vacation because it makes me feel so free. Free from the stress and demands of work. Free from feeling like I have to confirm to the ways of the corporate world, free from everything my job demands me to be. Free from the degrading comments of my supervisor and the unspoken demand that I need to pull many hours of OT. Being on vacation I was free from all this, and that is simply why I love being on vacation, where what I do with my time is for me to dictate and not not work.

2. I threw myself a pity party the other day. I had an attack of just really horrible thoughts. My heart was filled with pain and sorrow, and all I wanted to do was cry. It all suddenly made me feel so insecure, and insignificant. These thoughts are still haunting me... I keep finding my thoughts wandering to "It's NOT fair!" Such selfish thoughts... but at the same time, a part of me still wants to demand justice. The logical side of me screams "Grow up, get over it, and move on already!" Except the emotional side of me wants to demand answers and aplologies still.
Some days it still hurts, and it still seems unfair. This was one of those days. It's not that I don't want others to be happy... I mean, I certainly don't want to be haunted by this forever... and therefore do not wish this to loom over anyone else either. But in my immaturity which leaks through at times, I still just want to sulk in a corner and whine about how "it's just not fair!"

3. Culture shock. I think I still suffer the most from culture shock when I step foot back into the HK International Airport. Or perhaps it's simply the immense amount of Chinese people that I'm constantly surrounded by that causes culture shock in me. Going to the Philippines did not cause culture shock, going to a Native reserve did not, London and Paris... nothing. I come back to HK... culture shock. That's seriously not even a joke... I always find that I have to readjust back to HK life no matter how long I was away for.
.... perhaps I have some sort of culture identity issue... *sigh*

"This wasn't the plan... but it turned out so much better."

Haha... it resembles my thoughts so perfectly. Hong Kong was never part of the plan. The plan was Vancouver. It has always been Vancouver. That's been the plan since I was like 14! Except time and time again... it just never happened. Circumstances caused me to not take my acceptance into UBC. Then... God opened the Hong Kong door.. and Vancouver was lost yet again. I tried one more time this past year with my desire to go back to school... but somehow that just never felt right either. So here I am, signed up for another year in Hong Kong.

Working in HSBC was also never part of the plan. I studied math.. in order to finish some sort of a degree. I took the job, with the hopes of getting away from Edmonton and getting my foot into the door for a bigger bank... and dreams of just climbing the corporate ladder through it somehow.. to find a way into an investment bank through it. Actually, bank work was never part of my plan period. I don't know what I had planned for myself... but this definitely was not it.

Nothing in my life at the moment was how I had planned or imagined it, but it's all turned out so much better. God's taken care of every tiny little detail of my life... now how do I get rid of this one last thorn in my heart?

the new year...

I can't believe that it's been a year since I've left Edmonton and started a new life in HK. This past year has definitely been interesting... (you'd have to ask if you want to know... too much to write all on here.)

A year ago I had no idea what the year would bring, and what would happen when the year ended. Now the year's coming to an end, and I've found myself signing a contract for another year at the same job. So I will be in HK for another year... and feeling the same as I was a year ago.

Same in the sense that I don't know where I will be after this year is over, but different in the sense that I'm very confident that this next year is gonna be another amazing year with God.

friends

I saw this picture in the Standard the other day. It reminded me of friends... 'nough said.

at the bottom...

Home by Micheal Buble... the song that makes me sad. It reminds me of one the most surreal days in my whole entire life up to this point.

~The first time I heard this song was in your car. The first time I heard this song, I started to cry... but no one knew. It was the morning after I found out... the morning when everything in my life came crashing in on me. The start of my long climb back up the steep slippery slope I had fallen down.

I cried because the words were the cry of my heart. They were the words I was crying out to God.

"Maybe surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone I just wanna go home Oh I miss you, you know"

I wanted to go home to the Father. Never in my life had I ever been so disappointed, so devastated, so lost and so confused. ~

God's been digging deeper... I feel like He's ripping me apart from the inside out. Somedays the pain is so unbearable... and I just hurt. Don't know how to express the pain... not even through tears. So I just hurt.

A Prayer for You

this is actually titled A Prayer for the Ephesians in the NIV, but I thought it was good... so wanted to share it with ya'll.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~Ephesians 3:14-21

*note: During Paul's time, Ephesus was a major commercial centre. It was one of the greatest trading centres in the Eastern Mediterranean. A large extent of her prosperity was due to its geographical location.

my prayer...

strip me of my friends
strip me of my family
strip me of my dreams
strip me of my desires
strip me of all that i hope for
strip me of my music
strip me of my ministries
strip me of basketball
strip me of hockey
strip me of my academic achievements
strip me of all my head knowledge
strip me of my fears
strip me of my anxieties
strip me of my doubts
strip me of my money
strip me of my pride
strip me of all that pains me
strip me of all that brings me joy
strip me of all that i believe ME to be

what remains will be a slab of clay waiting for the Artist to come and turn it into a beautiful work of art.

what's in a name?!

My 2 worlds have collided lately... with the influx of visitors... and to be honest, it feels rather strange. When I left Edmonton 8 months ago, I didn't think very far ahead. A part of me simply saw Hong Kong as an escape, because in my tunnel vision, I had but one thing on my mind. I needed to get outta Edmonton. I needed to be gone from there... for my sanity's sake! So upon arrival... I made a decision to leave behind the "old me" and start fresh... and one of those things was to stop introducing myself as Cel (pronounced Cil.) This name of mine, is what leads me to this blog entry...

I've been known as Cel for so long now... my family calls me by that name! Call my house and ask for Cel... and you shall get me... (most of the time... given you get the right number and that my family can hear you... hahahaha :P) With the influx of visitors and hearing my friends call me that once again.. (not just online, or in emails but outloud) it feels nice. It's familiar... and it feels right. hahaha... Cece (with the Chinese accent) or Cec... or Ce... is not. They are honestly very foreign and strange sounding to me... sometimes I think to myself... "That's not my name... I have a nickname, I don't need a new one..."

Anyways, that's still not the point. The point is that I can't run away from myself. I can't pretend that a part of me doesn't exist. Haha.. trust me, I've tried pretty hard. The truth is that, everything I've tried to leave behind is a part of me. Always has and always will be. Me going by another name, doesn't make me a different person. :P I'm slowly learning to embrace everything for what it is... part of God's plan for my life. Ultimately it will all be used for His glory. Yes, there are parts that were painful.. and events that I'd rather pretend like they didn't exist in my story... but they do. All these things combined, is what makes it MY story and no one elses.

God is so gracious and compassionate... and as I learn to embrace all that he's given me.. good AND bad... I know that greater things are yet to come! :)

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." ~ Ecclesiastes 7:14a

A new door?!??!

8 months... and counting. I can't believe that it's been 8m months... just like that! With 4 months left, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's next. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what's happened in the past 8 months.

As I near the end of this contract... I find a potential new door before me. It could be an amazing opportunity if it all works out. Yet, I'm scared that I'll still be miserable. I know that I have a choice to make... and neither of them are easy. Neither of them are set in stone, neither are for sure. They're just possible things that I could do. They are very different from each other. Basically my choices are 1) stay on my current career path and 2) make a career change.

It's doing something familiar in a new place, or doing something new in a familiar place. Bah! I don't like being put in a position where a decision needs to be made. Perhaps this is why God keeps putting me in positions where I have to... I need to learn where my heart lies and where my passions lie. I need to figure what I love doing more. I need to really look into my heart, and into God's will for my life... and see what I need to do.

Prayers please! Thanks!

On Forgiveness...

"When forgiveness finally roots in you, you find you have nothing left to say at all." ~Jenny Schroedel

"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us and only then do we forgive it." ~ Lewis Smedes

Why is a life of forgiveness that hardest thing to live out? Why is Jesus' example of forgiveness so hard to follow? I have but one word: Pride. My pride stands in my way between hanging onto a grudge and forgiving completely... but I know that God is working on changing that.

smothered with love...

Wow... what an interesting month August has been. I've had some good times, and some... not so good times, but Glory to God through all of it! He has definitely come through for me in a big way this past month! I can't believe that it's almost September... and that my contract here is more than half over!

It has definitely been a very stretching month for me. Thanks for all of those who have informed me of certain news at home. I love you all so much for checking in on me, and for caring so very very much! Even though I was fine, and it didn't bother me at all, it still meant the world to me that so many of you sought me out to make sure that I was alright. It is all because of God's grace that I can tell so many of you that I am fine and that I have moved towards forgiveness. True forgiveness, because I wish them the very best for the future. :) Of course all your caring ended up moving me to tears because it made me miss ya'll so much! I feel so loved!

I can't believe how far God has carried these past 3 years. He has put me in my place this past month. There is indeed nothing that is impossible for God. Despite the fact that having your past creep up on you out of nowhere rather irked me, through it I've truly seen that God is bigger than my past. He's in complete control, and He's known exactly what He's doing since the very beginning. It was so silly of me to doubt and not believe. I'm finally getting my chance to speak my mind... and to reconcile. God showered me with so much grace, it's about time I share some of that grace with others.

To continue with this cleaning out of garbage that God is so obviously doing this month... my phone died. Hundreds of phone numbers and approx 200 text messages... ALL GONE! Except I believe that it was a good thing. Inconvenient... but good. I am now unable to reach more than half my friends and I have lost all my text messages that I like to read for fun... cause they put a smile on my face. But God's made His point loud and clear. When He said that He was giving me a second chance, a brand new start, a clean slate, He meant it. It's about time I let go of all that I left behind, and it's about time I stop dwelling on all that I miss.

complexities of the female mind...

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." ~I Peter 3:3-4

The world tells us that we need to look a certain way, have a certain body type, have a certain type of hair cut, wear a certain type of clothes... and that will make us "beautiful." Oh how often us girls buy into all that, and fall into that trap of lies that Satan has set up for us to fall into. We see it everyday, in the eating disorders, the suicidal attempts, the promiscuity, us girls will do anything to feel accepted and loved. Well, it's breaking God's heart! I know because I feel it and I've felt it for awhile now. God's heart for the broken women of this generation.

He wants you to know that your identity isn't found in these things. Your identity isn't based on what you look like, what you wear, what you own, who you know, who you're going out with or not going out with. These things are a temporary satisfaction! They will never fulfill you and satisfy you the way the love of God will! These things will not comfort you when you are sad, they will not wipe the tears from your eyes. I have been there, and I'm sick and tired of buying into those lies.

I have had it with thinking that I'm not beautiful in the world's standard. I'm tired of being bombarded with ads that tell me I need certain things to make me "happy." I am most fed up with the lies that tell me I need a significant other to complete me. I am lacking in nothing because I am complete in Christ Jesus my Lord! I am complete as I am. I have found joy in God.

My prayer is that the women of this generation will stop buying into these lies, and start pressing into all the promises that God has for us. God has made it very clear that is our inner beauty that is of great worth to God. It does not say in the Bible that how we look and dress is important to God. So stop beating yourself because you don't look a certain way, stop starving yourself because you're not a certain weight, and start to see yourself as God sees you. Not only that, but start loving yourself the way God does! "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (I Corinthians 6:19-20) Please stop cutting or torturing your body because of whatever reasons! You are precious to God, and He loves you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! And most of all, I pray that we will stop lowering our standards for the opposite sex. If he refuses to see you and treasure you the way that God does, honestly, he's not worth it. Your actions do matter, and the drawing of unhealthy attention is really only going to hurt you in the long run. So I plead that you protect your heart and that inner beauty that God has given you!

I have fallen into all these traps. For the longest time, satan used all of these things to tell me that I was unworthy and that I was not good enough. Well, God's shown me otherwise and I refuse to stay silent any longer. I pray that you too will find your identity and confidence in Christ and in Christ alone. God bless.

scar on my heart

the wounds that no one saw
the pain that no one could feel
the experience that no one understands
left a scar on my heart

the words that cut like a knife
the actions that drew blood
the abuse that brought tears
left a scar on my heart

my scar holds me back... it reminds me to be be careful
but it also reminds me that God is good and He heals

learning to miss...

I missed you today. But I know that you're with God, and He's taking care of you.
Just wished that you could be here, but I find reassurance in knowing that I'll be able to spend eternity with you in heaven. Until then, I'll leave you with God.

The grieving has ended... and I simply miss now. The other emotions have gone as well... all that remains is a longing for your presense. It is okay, because you're in my heart.

I think I'm gonna be okay. :)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~II Corinthians 5:17

Wow... so much packing... so much to be thrown out. In the last 18 years that I have been living in Canada, I think I have kept anything and everything that I deemed worthy of keeping. I think I emptied about 5 shoeboxes filled with notes from jr high and up... notes filled with teen angst... mainly about what else? Boys of course. Hahaha... about 20 binders worth of notes, assignments, and random handouts in class... Thank goodness for the digital age, otherwise I think I'd have more photo albums worth of pictures.

It's really out with the old. But not so much in with the new. But I think it's exactly how I'm feeling inside. I'm leaving this old part of me behind for the new person that I've found in HK. I know I'm not the same as when I left only 4 months ago. (Thanks for those who've noticed.) As I pack up all this stuff, and throw things out, I feel like I'm really done with all that used to cause me so much pain. It is truly behind me, and I've embraced the new joy that God's given me. :)

As I sit here, literally in the midst of all my crap, I am lost for words. As I pull up past treasure after past treasure... I wonder why I ever kept all these things in the first place. I've got quite the collection of knick knacks... a little of everything, but for what use?

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destory, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Matthew 6:19-21

At first before I came home, I thought throwing all that stuff out would be really hard and going through everything would also be hard, but it hasn't been so bad. Maybe my attitude towards this whole thing has changed. Perhaps, it is because I no longer find comforts in all of these "things." I've definitely overindulged myself over the years, and while it would be nice to keep everything, it is not necessary for my survival. I have been without all of these things the last 4 months, and most of it, I didn't even miss, or remember that I had.

These things that I own did not bring comfort while I was feeling low. It was God, and my friends who were there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or an word of encouragement. It is not these things that keep me accountable, or these things that define who I am. All of these things and more I've already found in Christ Jesus my Savior, so... why should I be sad at all this? :)

I say this now... we'll see what happens when I can't even keep the little that I wish to take with me. I'll be clinging hard to God's promises for my life. Please pray... hahaha... there's still lots to go through....

simply sad...

I am simply overcome by sadness. It has been a hard week... and everything all together just made me overwhelmingly homesick. My grandpa passed away last week and today was the funeral. There... I said it. How sad is it that I don't feel like I can tell people, but I can post it here on the internet. But I guess that is where the feeling homesick part comes in.
I'm trying so hard, but somedays I still feel so alone. I feel like when I needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on the most, the world walked out on me and left me no one. When I needed just one encouraging word, a hug, or even just a pat on the shoulder, I came up empty. I'm tired of reaching out, can someone please reach in.
I miss having those few numbers that I can call when I'm in need. I miss those who always know when to call and what to say. I really could've used a kind word today... even just a simple text or a missed call to know that someone thought of me today. To know someone remembered...
Maybe I've been too cautious, and not open enough. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough to open up? I really don't know what else I can do... I've already laid aside my pride and dignity. I really have no more to give... I really don't.

3 times...

Deut 31:6, 7-8, 23

3 times this morning God said "Be strong and courageous"

He said to be strong and courageous because:
~He is with me
~He will never leave me or forsake me
~God will fulfill His promise
~He has gone before me

He also said to not be afraid or discouraged.

I do think that God's made His point this morning. I'm not quite sure what He may be referring to, but when the situation comes for me to stand firm and to be strong and courageous, I shall cling onto the words that He has given me this morning. I'm very excited to see that through it, God's gonna reveal a fulfilled promise! Thanks for the message God!

Against the currents...

"The search for God is a reversal of the normal, mundane worldly order. In the search for God, you revert from what attracts you and swim toward that which is difficult. You abandon your comforting and familiar habits with the hope (the mere hope!) that something greater will be offered to you in return for what you've given up." ~Eat, Pray. Love

This is exactly what I've been learning and trying to live out. I no longer wish to conform to the patterns of the world. I want to live the life that God has ordained for me, and not what man wishes me to live. I refuse to let the drive of my life be money (which is not easy when you live in a place like HK) and have my sole purpose be to make as much money as possible. I wish for God to be my driving force, and my sole purpose to please Him and Him only.

I'm tired of trying to do what is "right" in the worlds eye. I'm tired of trying to find what would be most practical. I'm ready to live the supernatural, I'm ready to walk into all that God has in store for me. I'm ready to surrender all I am, to have but just a glimpse of His glory. If His road for me is practical and sane, than so be it. If it is not, I'm willing to go.

I'm going to start running full speed against the currents of this world, and trust that God is going to protect me from the oncoming traffic! :)

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." ~Matt 5:23-24

A few weeks ago, God convicted me that I had unforgiveness sitting in my heart. I am still struglling with this unforgiveness, because I am still clinging onto it. This week, He gave me that verse in Matthew. I've been standing at the altar, trying to offer God my whole life. I keep asking God to use me, to lead me to where He is calling me to be. Yet, I don't feel Him leading me, I don't feel Him trying to use me. I think it's because I haven't dealt with what He has asked me to.

This weekend, He taught me that I need to be patient. I need to let Him complete His process of fine-tuning, to let Him finish the cleaning out of all that displeases Him in my life. He came, put His arms around me and said "Hold up there, I'm not done yet, so I can't let you go out there. I need to stay put right where I've placed you, and trust me. I'll get you there when the time is right. But for now just chills right here and do what I've asked you to do."

So I guess, I will simply enjoy all the blessings that God has poured into my life. Through it, He has taught me so much, and by allowing His Holy Spirit to be in me, I will find the love that I need to forgive and to finally put it all to an end. I will learn to let go of my anger and pain. I will learn to trust God, and as a result others that God has placed into my life. I will enjoy this time where God slowly puts my heart back together piece by piece. There will be times when it gets hard and it will hurt, but I will trust in God. I will trust my maker because I know that He will be as gentle as He can with the fragile pieces.

I have found God here, and I'm loving each and every minute as I learn to fall in love with him over and over again on a daily basis. :)

small things... a world of difference

I miss being Cel... or rather I miss being called that. Hahaha... I guess I can't really miss myself, since I'm with me ALL the time. I can't really get away from myself. I miss the intimacy of nicknames and inside jokes. I miss the relationships and all the memories that comes along with them. I miss the comfort of walking into a room and knowing everyone in it. I miss feeling safe to be who I am. It feels weird at times to be called by my full name... I've gone with using Cel for so long that it takes a little longer for me to register that someone is calling me. Hahaha.... :P

I miss the old, but at the same time, making new relationships has been challenging, yet rewarding. It was been scary, but an adventure. As I get to know people better, I am starting to relax and starting to be more myself. Being riped out from what I am accustomed to has been interesting. I've been learning lots about myself. God moves me to tears almost weekly now. I am in complete awe of just how amazing He is and all that He has done in my life.

As I continue on this adventure God has put me on, I will cling to His promises that there will be more. He will make my life even more abundant and more full. I look forward to watching Him make my life flourish! I know that the road will not be easy, but will simply hold on to His power, His promises and His presense, it won't be as bad as it seems.

a new perspective...

So I went hiking on Saturday. Haha, I guess it has been a really long time since I've been hiking, and for sure I haven't gone hiking in Hong Kong since I was like 5... and that wasn't really hiking back then. So Saturday morning, at the last minute it was decided that we would go to Tai Tam for our hike which was rated as a level 2 hike, with the highest being 3. I figured it couldn't be that bad. Hahaha... oh how I was wrong. In honesty, it was simply the stairs that killed me. But I didn't want to turn around, and the view at the top was definitely was worth it.
It was so nice to get out of the city for a couple of hours. Away from the neon signs, the business, the people, the crowds, the shops... the materialism. It was so nice to be in the "mountain" surrounded by trees, rocks... and things that are green. The city looks so different when you're looking down from the top. hahaha... and it's not the same was when you go up to the Peak either. I mean, there's still that mall up there, with crowds of tourists, and just people. But the trail was pretty quiet, and when we got to the top, it was just us and trees... and powerlines. Hahaha... we HAD to go to the end or turn back, because there really was no other way down.
Then later that night, went to Thirst at church. I guess it's kind of a YIC and YAC combined. Good worship and a very excellent message. God broke me down once again with the words in God of Justice: "Freely we've received, so freely we will give" with respect to forgiveness. God has poured out His forgiveness upon me so freely,and so very generously. Yet, I'm like that servant in the parable, who holds onto that and does not share it with others. I have not shown the same grace and mercy. He took my hand last night and led me into the very depths of my heart where all the anger and hatred was still lingering and poisoning my soul. He said "Now is the time" to let go of the grudge. Now is the time to stop blaming them for my misery. It weighs me down and keeps me from being all that I can be for God. I've bought into Satan's lies that this makes me not good enough to do God's work. I bought into the lies that God's plans for me will no longer be as good as they had been originally. I believed all of the lies that was fed to me.
So now, I've decided to take on a new perspective, and responsibility for my present. What happened in the past will remain in the past, and it does not affect the plans that God has for my present or my future. The past does not make me unworthy of God's presense, or of God's blessing. I'm going to listen to God and start this forgiving so that He can show me all the exciting things that are still to come!

"We must go
To live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward
Keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go" ~God of Justice (Tim Hughes)

endorphines au naturale...

oh dear... I am on such a high right now. Hahaha.... went to play some streetball with some guys from church and their work friends. Definitely not used to this humidity... I felt so gross like within 10 mins! But I was OH SO VERY NICE to play and to get out to do something OTHER than just eat and shop. Don't get me wrong, I love the shopping and the eating that can be had in the H to the K, but at the same time I'm definitely starting to get sick of eating out everyday! (Thank goodness my mom is coming home soon!) I seriously think I ate more healthy living on my own in E-town than now while living with my dad and my brother. I would cook... but by the time I get home after work, I just wanna die. (When you have NOTHING to do... it drains your energy more than if you have a bazillion things to do!)

Anyways, I definitely need to thank God for all that He has done for me. It isn't even just in the last 2 months of providing everything for me, but preparing me all my life for this. I've come to realize that I am definitely an extrovert. I tend to be quiet at first and observe lots, but when that stage is over... I come out! hahaha, I dont know how better to put it. I'm totally a people person, and I'll just get out there and meet people every week. Either that, or I just have a very adaptable nature. I admit that I've become more cautious over the years of who I trust and don't trust, but really I've realized that I'm a very trusting person and that my trust is easy to gain, but hard to get back once it is gone. I'll open my heart up to just about anyone, but if they abuse my trust, see ya later!

Praise God for new friends! Praise God for a new church and for new community! I feel so blessed! Don't get me wrong, I still miss home and all that's been left behind, but I'm learning to be okay as he continues to fill my life with all that I miss. I missed friends, he's definitely blessed me with people to hang out with. I miss just hanging out, and he provides opportunities to hang out at people's houses to just chills. I miss playing basketball and he provides me with good people to let me play with them. I thought I was missing out on Kanye West in May, and well... guess who's coming to HK in 2 weeks! I just don't know how to describe just how incredibly happy and hard these past 2 months have been. I really can't believe that it's only been 2 months!

I don't regret my decision to make that leap through that open door that God's gave me. I feel myself healing and I'm starting to hear my Father's voice in heaven once again. Oh how I've missed His voice. Praise God for always reminding me that He's there, and that He's always been there, and that He's never left. It was only I who did not want Him around.

Hehe... I'm so happy!

freedom...

i've found freedome in animosity. it's a freedom i've never felt before. i'm no longer caught in the chains that you've put around me, no longer silenced by my fear of your displeasure. i don't have to worry about tarnishing that reputation of yours. no more stuck in that prison cell of silence that you locked me up in. i am no longer entangled in the lies that you fed me, no more buying into all the lies that satan wanted me to believe.
i can now share without feeling ashamed, without worrying that you'll find out. there is no biased anger, no trying to see things from your side, no uncomfortable friends wondering if they should take sides, no more screening an invite list. people no longer see me and then see you because they don't know you. i'm no longer the girl with the baggage that is you, because they don't know about us. no more looks of pity because they don't know what happened. i can share openly in confidence because they don't know who you are, they can't put a face to this person that i speak of.
it's helped with the healing. it's given me new strength and it's mended my broken relationship with my father in heaven. i'm learning to see the whole thing for what it was, and it makes me angry and it makes me sick in the stomach. you make me sick in the stomach, but God is teaching me to forgive you. He's teaching me to lean on Him and about his grace and mercy.
the truth has been hard to swollow at times, but i will plow through this because God promised He'll be there no matter what, and the prize at the end of all this is worth it. God will deal with you accordingly and revenge is not mine to take, so no matter how much it hurt i will simply lean on God and He will hold me tight and comfort me and give me peace.

1 month down..

i can't believe that i've been in hk for a month and away from edmonton for only a month. it feels like it's been forever. so much has happened in one month... but at the same time it feels like nothing has happened. regardless, God has been good, and He's constantly reminding that He's got my back no matter what, and no matter what happens, He is never going to leave me, or forsake me. He's there for me, for life! :) i've been taken lots of comfort in those words, especially when i've been feeling so homesick for all my friends, and i feel like i have to go at everything alone now. i know in my heart that God has big things in store for me this year, and that He's going to take me on the greatest adventure i've seen yet... but at the same time i'm still sad, and clinging on to all that i've left behind. i know i need to let go and embrace this for what it is... an adventure. i need to take everyday for what it is and make the most of each one of them.

this is the song that's really touched me lately. it's put God back into perspective for me, and it's been a good reminder that no matter what, no matter where i am, no matter what condition i am in, God has no distance, no time zones, no bed time. God is there always, at all times no matter what. And it's not just when He feels like it, it's 4 life!

4 life ~ naturally seven

Red light, green light, 1,2,3.
F O R L I F E
I got you if you got me.
F O R L I F E
We’ll always be together you will see.
F O R L I F E
You and me were meant to be.
F O R L I F E

Chorus
No matter what you’re going through, I’ll be there with you.
Looking out right by your side, for life, for life.
I’m never too far away, come rain or shine or in pain.
I’ll be there to give you what you need, for life, for life.

Have faith, trust in me, you’ll never have to hurt no more from now on you’ll see.
I got you, if you got me, there’ll never be a lonely road, no.
When you move to the left, call me.
When you bounce to the right don’t forget me.
I’m right here with you, I’ll always come through.
When your tank is low, I’ll gas ya.
Got nowhere to go, I’ll get cha
I’ll see you through, I promise you.

It’s clear, so simple to see, all you gotta do is 1, 2, step and follow me.
To a place, where we can hide away, you’ll find love, peace, and happiness.
For as long as you stay.

You’ll never be the same, it will change you.
I’ll wash away, all that pains you.
Let me take you there, to show you I care.
You can talk to me, I’ll hear you, tell me anything you want to.
All your troubles bring, I got you through anything.

You can call me whenever, life disappoints you and your spirits are down.
I got cha, leave you? No never, I’ll always be there if you want me around

end of the road...

i can't believe that this will be the last time that i will sit here writing this... and that was the last time i will be driving into this driveway... and be coming home like this. it's really just starting to hit me that once i get on the plane tomorrow, the next time i come "home" there won't be this house to come home to. my room won't be upstairs... well it will be, but it won't be mine anymore. my stuff will not be here... there will be no more hanging out here, no more bbqs, no more parties... it's honestly all just starting to hit me. i think i need a moment to absorb it all.
i can't believe that this is really happening... and that this won't be here next time i'm back. i think i need more than a moment... this is so strange... and i can't wrap my head around it all. i know that this will be good for me, and this is an amazing opportunity and it's not something that happens everyday, but it's all just happening so fast. i feel like i didn't even get to say my farewells properly... well some did... and some did not. hahaha... i call it an uneven distribution of time....
this year is going fly by... we shall see what happens when it is all over. right now i'm just in shock i think... i shall go take my moment and enjoy my last hours in this house... because it will never be the same again...

scared stiff...

it's that time... in my decision making where i start second guessing myself as usual. OH MY GOODNESS!!! What am i doing?!??! I'm really doing this.... I'm packing up my stuff and moving to HK... I dunno... it's just insane. can someone please tell me what i'm doing? and tell me that i'm not making the biggest mistake of my life... cause i'm really starting to wonder if i'm doing the right thing... i am so scared right now.
But God opened the door, so there has to be a reason that I'm going through it right? I mean I asked for a door... and it came... so the only logical thing was to walk through it. And now that it's starting to sink in... I'm starting to get scared... and starting to get sad thinking about all the things I'm going to miss.
I think i'm getting cold feet that's all. I didn't think that God would open such a door... I thought I'd move to Vancouver... be "closer" to HK in a sense, but still be able to enjoy the comforts of Canada... maybe i was being too greedy. I need to accept what God has given and be thankful. So I will make the most of this... and I'm sure that God has His reasons for taking me so far away from all of my closest friends...
Well... I hope it all turns out okay... because right now I'm still feeling like I've lost my mind...

finally! an open door!!!

there's finally an open door for me to step through! i can finally leave this city! yay! someone has finally given me a chance at a job in the hk! so i'm getting back on a plane and going back to hk. i'll be gone by the end of this month!

i've finally found a break in the clouds. i can finally leave all this crap behind and hopefully start to fully heal. i've been waiting to get away for a long time, and my opportunity has finally come!

seeing the truth at last...

learning to let go is hard... learning to see the truth is hard. accepting the new truth is hard.
lately i've been coming to terms with a new truth, and that's been really hard. it's been tearing me apart on the inside. it's riping me apart, but at the same time it's felt refreshing in a strange way.
the truth is that there was never any love, there was never any care, and there was never any God involved in anyway. there was never any patience, and there was always a record of wrongs being kept. it was never love, and that's why you could walk away and not look back. there was no love, so you could just leave me stranded there and feel nothing.
i understand it all now... and it hurts, but i finally know now.
this is where i cut it all off and walk away. this is where i hand it all over to God and allow Him to heal my heart, and fill it with love and forgiveness once more.
this is where i stop caring and start living my own life. this is where i make God my everything
this is where i stop hating
this is where i stop wondering
this is where i begin anew
this is where i begin trusting again
this is where i begin loving once more

i can't change what's already happened, but that's what made me into who i am today, the person who tries to love God in all i do, the person who tries to be all that she can be for God. i hate complacency, and i refuse to live in it any longer. i hate worldliness, i hate what the world has made on certain days.

Enter In (click to hear it!)
words and music by Matthew Snelgrove

Verse One
I remember the time
When you came into my life You saved me
I’m no longer the same
Forever I am changed
You paid for it all

Chorus
Help me to enter in to where the veil has been torn
Closer to where you are as the angels adore

Verse Two
Now its time to live the life
As a living sacrifice
Pleasing to you
Go in to the fields
To bring in your harvest
To do your will

Bridge
Holy is the Lord

just a quote...

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering it's things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night." ~The Kite Runner

losing the fight...

~It is breaking me down
Watching the world spin around
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?
Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?~

i'm getting so tired... so weary of fighting now. So tired of pretending. I'm not as strong as you all think I am. the truth: i'm falling apart from the inside out. somedays i just feel like i can't take it anymore. i want out, i want a break. it's not as great as everyone makes it out to be... being alone makes the fight that much harder. being all by myself makes me doubt myself. fighting alone makes it hard... and i think i'm about ready to give up the fight. no one seems to care, no one seems to notice that i'm struggling. what's the point in fighting anymore? what's the point on keeping my head afloat anymore? the doubts... the regrets... the shame... the pain... it's all become so overwhelming lately.
the pain in my heart... it pierces... it hurts... who can i trust anymore? i know to you it's petty... i know to you all it's all just the past... but it's not to me. it's become life... it's become who i am... it's the one thing that i keep stumbling over. i'm trying so hard to get over it... trying so hard to let it go... trying so hard to be a bigger person... trying so hard to be happy... trying so hard to live my life. but what's the point anymore... it all seems so pointless...
what if i just faded into the background... and then faded out of the picture completely... i've lost sight of everything that's important to me... i've forgotten what it feels like to be loved unconditionally... i'm beginning to feel only hate and bitterness once again.... the loneliness seems so much stronger than love cause love seems so far away... forgiveness seems so far away... i keep looking towards getting outta here... away from all this pain... all the betrayal... all the hate... all the bitterness... i think the time has come... it's time for me to get out there... wherever out there is... maybe out there someone can hear me, and they will save me from this hell.

solitude...

funny how people always want what they don't have. so once again, i have the house all to myself. blessing and a curse. strange, because i was getting so tired of having all these people around... and just when i was getting used to having people around again, they're all gone again. that's just the irony in life, right?
i don't mind the being alone part, but there are days when it would be nice to have someone to talk to when i walk in the door, or someone to have a conversation with while i'm eating dinner at the table... by myself. or even just someone to watch tv with, so that i don't end up laughing at something all alone. a jokes always funnier when shared with another.
the solitude almost becomes too much, yet i don't feel the need to reach out for people. even after sitting at my cubicle all day, coming home and being by myself some more isn't so bad. it doesn't drive me to the point where i feel like i need to find someone, doesn't make me desperate enough to actually pick up a phone and call people.
maybe it's that... or maybe it's just that i don't even know who i would call. i don't even know who has the time, or who i can trust. trust has become such an issue lately. maybe that's why i enjoy my solitude so much. it gives me an excuse to not have to open up myself. it gives me an excuse not to tell people things. it allows me to keep things to myself, where it is safe. it's not that i don't trust, but simply that i have a hard time trusting those who have betrayed the trust.
i choose to stay silent because i can't wear my heart on my sleeve no longer. it always gets me in trouble and it's about time that i took care of my heart. i don't want to be hurt again... so until i feel stronger, i think i'm just going to be extra careful with my heart, and keep it where i know it can't get hurt anymore.

Life goes on...

Don't you ever just have one of those days where you wished the world would just spinning and time would just stand still for you. For it to just stop so you can catch up with your own thoughts, with your own feelings. A day where you feel like everything is running out of your grasp, and no matter how hard you reach or how fast you try to run to catch up, you just can't seem to get there, and it's always just out of your reach. So you wonder, if time could just stop for you to catch up with everything else wouldn't that be wonderful?
Too bad time doesn't stop for nobody. It doesn't stop for you when you're sad, and you just want it to stop while you dwell in your sadness. It doesn't stop when you're happy and you wish that time would stop so you can enjoy the joy for awhile. It doesn't stop when you feel like you can't take it anymore, and you just want a break from the rest of the world. Time never stops no matter what the circumstances are.
Lately, I've been having lots of those days. Lots of days where I wish time would stop. Not because I want to dwell in any one of those feelings. Life hasn't been completely terrible to me, nor has it been great that I wish I could be in this time forever. It's been those days where you feel like things are just moving at an uber quick speed, and you wish that it would slow down so you can catch up. My days just seem to all amalgamate into one huge day... and I can't really tell one from the other. I go to work, I go home... and it starts all over again... until I reach the weekend.
But in the end, I know that time does not stop ever, and life simply moves on. I've realised that I need to appreciate each day as it comes, and take it for what it is: a blessing from God that I am alive to live another day. I know that hind sigh is 100% and dwelling on anything too long is no good for me. It will always be more clear now than it was awhile back. So therefore, I should face forward and keep striving towards the end goal.

God's protection

when i think of everything i've seen or gone through in the past little while, i can't help but see how God has really been protecting me and keeping me safe. He saved me from a lot of hassle. a couple of weeks ago, the bank got robbed, but due to timing, i was safely in the lunch room on my lunch break. had my coworker gotten back later, or if i had taken my time to go on lunch, i probably would've been the first one to be robbed.
last night, as i was driving home, i watched a guy run a red, and was hit by a car that was going on the green. thank goodness he was fine, and he barely had a scratch on him. i was lucky because there are days when i don't watch the light, and if people beside me are moving, i tend to go too. praise God i was alert, and paying attention. waiting for the police so i could give my statement was a pain, and it was pretty chilly, but at least i wasn't in the accident. being the by stander is much better than being involved in this case.
He's definitely been taking care of me. i guess it's not in the ways i wish for Him to, and He hasn't provided what i WANTED. but he's very obviously provided what i NEEDED. there's no room for my selfishness. how can i see how God has been taking care of me and wonder if i can offer Him my life? how can i even wonder if it's worth it? this is my come back for people who think they can live life now, and give to God later: what if you died tonight? or what if God came back tonight? and you haven't given Him your life, so He tells you that you can't enter into eternity with Him? or He asked you about why you haven't answered His calling?
we can't keep holding back and telling ourselves that we still have time to come back to God later, when all the fun's been had. God demands that we live for Him NOW in the present. i think lately i've been forgetting about that. when i get to heaven, God's not going to care about what i had PLANNED to do, but He's going to care about what i have already DONE. i believe that it's time for me to sit back and re-evaluate where my heart lies, and where i've placed God these past couple months.

frustration to the max...

what is it that God wants from me? where is it that i'm suppose to go? what is it that i am to do? i'm tired of trying to be patient, and i'm tired of being on my own. don't pretend like you know or understand, because you don't. you don't know the frustrations i go through everyday, you don't understand my anger and confusion.
i try to turn to God, but everytime i get near, i feel the need to pull away. i want to feel the comfort of God's hand in my life, but i find myself turning to worldly things instead. i'm trying to hear God's voice, but i feel like everything else in my life drowns it out. i can't hear it. i feel like i keep knocking on His door, and He's just ignoring me. do you understand what that feels like? to stand there and wait, and wait, and wait, but He doesn't come, and He doesn't answer.
i think 2 years ago, a small part of me died, and i haven't been the same since. lately the memories have been haunting me, and certain fears have returned. it makes me want to run, to run away and never come back. to go where no one knows me, where no one even knows my name. to be alone, and leave it all behind.
~I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are~
i've called...but where is the answer? God where are you?

restless

i hate this state of restlessness that i've fallen into. this state of unsatisfaction where nothing seems to cease my frustration with everything in my life. i have a job for which i should be grateful, i have a wonderful family, and amazing friends, all of which are Godsent, and all of which i am very grateful for. so why am i so unhappy and so frustrated with my life? a year ago my life was a question mark as graduation neared, but at least i was happy. scared, but happy. now i find myself caught in the materialistic world, chasing after jobs that pay me more money, longing for things that bring only temporary satisfaction. where has all my passion gone? where did all that joy go?
i feel as if i've become what i wanted to become the least. i've become one of those people who wake up every morning and dread going to work. i've become one of those people who hate their jobs, and in turn i think i'm starting to hate myself for it.
maybe i'm restless because i've haven't attained all that God meant for me. i'm not where God wants me to be, i'm not doing what He wants me to do. but what is it that He wants for me, where is it that i am to be? i thought it was here, so was it? i'm waiting, and i'm getting impatient.
right now i'd do anything to jump back onto that plane and head back to the philippines, but i believe that's called running away from reality... and in a way, running away from God. i know that He hasn't called me back there just yet... and that right now i need to stay put and wait on God. somedays are easier than others... but God knows best, and if i try to do my own thing i know i'll simply land flat on my face. so gotta just keep trekking for the sake of eternity.

happy new years!

HAPPY 2007! i can't believe that 2006 is over already. feels like yesterday that we celebrated the end of 2005. praise God for the most amazing year yet. despite all the uncertainty this year was filled with, and all the anxiety of not knowing what was/is ahead for me, i still think that it was a wonderful year. the highlight was definitely missions in the Philippines, and 3 months in HK with family and random friends.
this past year brought new struggles and trials that i had not seen before, but i stayed focused on God, and He carried me through each and every single time. i'm thankful for new struggles and trials because that means that i've grown and that i'm not struggling with the same thing year after year. and this past year was also the most happy i've been in years, so praise God for filling my heart with joy and laughter.
several things i learned this year: i now know how it feels for those who don't speak any chinese to step in our church... it's confuing... and you just don't understand what's going on half the time. i've seen firsthand that prayer goes beyond language and border and culture. i've learned how to bury the past and be happy with where i am. i've learned that finding a job is hard... esp one that you will "enjoy." most importantly i've learned the importance of having family and friends support, pray and encourage you in everything is a previlaged, not to be taken for granted.
as the new year begins, i pray that God continues to touch everyone in which ever way they need. i pray that you will all find Him in all that you do, and He will bless you in everything. i'm excited to see what He has in store for 2007, no matter good or bad, because i know that He is in control, and whatever happens, it will be develop my faith in Him, and through it i will mature.
have a good one!

no one said it would be easy

"The reason some of us are such poor specimens of Christianity is because we have no Almighty Christ. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment to Jesus Christ." ~ Oswald Chambers

so often, i find myself falling into the trap of becoming that sunday christian. especially now that i'm not serving at church, it's so easy to just praise and worship God on sunday... then on every other day... god gets put on the back burner, and sometimes even pushed out of my life completely. it doesn't work so well to compartimentalize your life into church and non-church. one will always dominiate over the other, and they can never co-exist in harmony.

when we don't abandon our lives to God, He doesn't come shining through our lives. what ends up showing through is our true selfish human nature. the part of us that isn't able to love through God's supernatural love, and therefore we are called hypocrites and turn people away from Christianity. when we lead that double-faced life of ours, it's easy to see why people would call us hypocrites. i'd call myself one too.

but God never promised that being a Christian would be easy. He never promised that it would be all blue skies and daisies. BUT He did promise that He would walk it with us, and never leave us on our own as long as we put our faith in Him. human nature causes us to not abandon our lives to God, therefore, God does not come shining through.

honestly, even the best of christian makes mistakes sometimes. it's only human. so please, just cut us some slack. we do try our best.