the new year...

I can't believe that it's been a year since I've left Edmonton and started a new life in HK. This past year has definitely been interesting... (you'd have to ask if you want to know... too much to write all on here.)

A year ago I had no idea what the year would bring, and what would happen when the year ended. Now the year's coming to an end, and I've found myself signing a contract for another year at the same job. So I will be in HK for another year... and feeling the same as I was a year ago.

Same in the sense that I don't know where I will be after this year is over, but different in the sense that I'm very confident that this next year is gonna be another amazing year with God.

friends

I saw this picture in the Standard the other day. It reminded me of friends... 'nough said.

at the bottom...

Home by Micheal Buble... the song that makes me sad. It reminds me of one the most surreal days in my whole entire life up to this point.

~The first time I heard this song was in your car. The first time I heard this song, I started to cry... but no one knew. It was the morning after I found out... the morning when everything in my life came crashing in on me. The start of my long climb back up the steep slippery slope I had fallen down.

I cried because the words were the cry of my heart. They were the words I was crying out to God.

"Maybe surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone I just wanna go home Oh I miss you, you know"

I wanted to go home to the Father. Never in my life had I ever been so disappointed, so devastated, so lost and so confused. ~

God's been digging deeper... I feel like He's ripping me apart from the inside out. Somedays the pain is so unbearable... and I just hurt. Don't know how to express the pain... not even through tears. So I just hurt.

A Prayer for You

this is actually titled A Prayer for the Ephesians in the NIV, but I thought it was good... so wanted to share it with ya'll.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~Ephesians 3:14-21

*note: During Paul's time, Ephesus was a major commercial centre. It was one of the greatest trading centres in the Eastern Mediterranean. A large extent of her prosperity was due to its geographical location.

my prayer...

strip me of my friends
strip me of my family
strip me of my dreams
strip me of my desires
strip me of all that i hope for
strip me of my music
strip me of my ministries
strip me of basketball
strip me of hockey
strip me of my academic achievements
strip me of all my head knowledge
strip me of my fears
strip me of my anxieties
strip me of my doubts
strip me of my money
strip me of my pride
strip me of all that pains me
strip me of all that brings me joy
strip me of all that i believe ME to be

what remains will be a slab of clay waiting for the Artist to come and turn it into a beautiful work of art.

what's in a name?!

My 2 worlds have collided lately... with the influx of visitors... and to be honest, it feels rather strange. When I left Edmonton 8 months ago, I didn't think very far ahead. A part of me simply saw Hong Kong as an escape, because in my tunnel vision, I had but one thing on my mind. I needed to get outta Edmonton. I needed to be gone from there... for my sanity's sake! So upon arrival... I made a decision to leave behind the "old me" and start fresh... and one of those things was to stop introducing myself as Cel (pronounced Cil.) This name of mine, is what leads me to this blog entry...

I've been known as Cel for so long now... my family calls me by that name! Call my house and ask for Cel... and you shall get me... (most of the time... given you get the right number and that my family can hear you... hahahaha :P) With the influx of visitors and hearing my friends call me that once again.. (not just online, or in emails but outloud) it feels nice. It's familiar... and it feels right. hahaha... Cece (with the Chinese accent) or Cec... or Ce... is not. They are honestly very foreign and strange sounding to me... sometimes I think to myself... "That's not my name... I have a nickname, I don't need a new one..."

Anyways, that's still not the point. The point is that I can't run away from myself. I can't pretend that a part of me doesn't exist. Haha.. trust me, I've tried pretty hard. The truth is that, everything I've tried to leave behind is a part of me. Always has and always will be. Me going by another name, doesn't make me a different person. :P I'm slowly learning to embrace everything for what it is... part of God's plan for my life. Ultimately it will all be used for His glory. Yes, there are parts that were painful.. and events that I'd rather pretend like they didn't exist in my story... but they do. All these things combined, is what makes it MY story and no one elses.

God is so gracious and compassionate... and as I learn to embrace all that he's given me.. good AND bad... I know that greater things are yet to come! :)

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." ~ Ecclesiastes 7:14a

A new door?!??!

8 months... and counting. I can't believe that it's been 8m months... just like that! With 4 months left, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's next. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about what's happened in the past 8 months.

As I near the end of this contract... I find a potential new door before me. It could be an amazing opportunity if it all works out. Yet, I'm scared that I'll still be miserable. I know that I have a choice to make... and neither of them are easy. Neither of them are set in stone, neither are for sure. They're just possible things that I could do. They are very different from each other. Basically my choices are 1) stay on my current career path and 2) make a career change.

It's doing something familiar in a new place, or doing something new in a familiar place. Bah! I don't like being put in a position where a decision needs to be made. Perhaps this is why God keeps putting me in positions where I have to... I need to learn where my heart lies and where my passions lie. I need to figure what I love doing more. I need to really look into my heart, and into God's will for my life... and see what I need to do.

Prayers please! Thanks!

On Forgiveness...

"When forgiveness finally roots in you, you find you have nothing left to say at all." ~Jenny Schroedel

"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us and only then do we forgive it." ~ Lewis Smedes

Why is a life of forgiveness that hardest thing to live out? Why is Jesus' example of forgiveness so hard to follow? I have but one word: Pride. My pride stands in my way between hanging onto a grudge and forgiving completely... but I know that God is working on changing that.

smothered with love...

Wow... what an interesting month August has been. I've had some good times, and some... not so good times, but Glory to God through all of it! He has definitely come through for me in a big way this past month! I can't believe that it's almost September... and that my contract here is more than half over!

It has definitely been a very stretching month for me. Thanks for all of those who have informed me of certain news at home. I love you all so much for checking in on me, and for caring so very very much! Even though I was fine, and it didn't bother me at all, it still meant the world to me that so many of you sought me out to make sure that I was alright. It is all because of God's grace that I can tell so many of you that I am fine and that I have moved towards forgiveness. True forgiveness, because I wish them the very best for the future. :) Of course all your caring ended up moving me to tears because it made me miss ya'll so much! I feel so loved!

I can't believe how far God has carried these past 3 years. He has put me in my place this past month. There is indeed nothing that is impossible for God. Despite the fact that having your past creep up on you out of nowhere rather irked me, through it I've truly seen that God is bigger than my past. He's in complete control, and He's known exactly what He's doing since the very beginning. It was so silly of me to doubt and not believe. I'm finally getting my chance to speak my mind... and to reconcile. God showered me with so much grace, it's about time I share some of that grace with others.

To continue with this cleaning out of garbage that God is so obviously doing this month... my phone died. Hundreds of phone numbers and approx 200 text messages... ALL GONE! Except I believe that it was a good thing. Inconvenient... but good. I am now unable to reach more than half my friends and I have lost all my text messages that I like to read for fun... cause they put a smile on my face. But God's made His point loud and clear. When He said that He was giving me a second chance, a brand new start, a clean slate, He meant it. It's about time I let go of all that I left behind, and it's about time I stop dwelling on all that I miss.

complexities of the female mind...

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." ~I Peter 3:3-4

The world tells us that we need to look a certain way, have a certain body type, have a certain type of hair cut, wear a certain type of clothes... and that will make us "beautiful." Oh how often us girls buy into all that, and fall into that trap of lies that Satan has set up for us to fall into. We see it everyday, in the eating disorders, the suicidal attempts, the promiscuity, us girls will do anything to feel accepted and loved. Well, it's breaking God's heart! I know because I feel it and I've felt it for awhile now. God's heart for the broken women of this generation.

He wants you to know that your identity isn't found in these things. Your identity isn't based on what you look like, what you wear, what you own, who you know, who you're going out with or not going out with. These things are a temporary satisfaction! They will never fulfill you and satisfy you the way the love of God will! These things will not comfort you when you are sad, they will not wipe the tears from your eyes. I have been there, and I'm sick and tired of buying into those lies.

I have had it with thinking that I'm not beautiful in the world's standard. I'm tired of being bombarded with ads that tell me I need certain things to make me "happy." I am most fed up with the lies that tell me I need a significant other to complete me. I am lacking in nothing because I am complete in Christ Jesus my Lord! I am complete as I am. I have found joy in God.

My prayer is that the women of this generation will stop buying into these lies, and start pressing into all the promises that God has for us. God has made it very clear that is our inner beauty that is of great worth to God. It does not say in the Bible that how we look and dress is important to God. So stop beating yourself because you don't look a certain way, stop starving yourself because you're not a certain weight, and start to see yourself as God sees you. Not only that, but start loving yourself the way God does! "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (I Corinthians 6:19-20) Please stop cutting or torturing your body because of whatever reasons! You are precious to God, and He loves you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! And most of all, I pray that we will stop lowering our standards for the opposite sex. If he refuses to see you and treasure you the way that God does, honestly, he's not worth it. Your actions do matter, and the drawing of unhealthy attention is really only going to hurt you in the long run. So I plead that you protect your heart and that inner beauty that God has given you!

I have fallen into all these traps. For the longest time, satan used all of these things to tell me that I was unworthy and that I was not good enough. Well, God's shown me otherwise and I refuse to stay silent any longer. I pray that you too will find your identity and confidence in Christ and in Christ alone. God bless.

scar on my heart

the wounds that no one saw
the pain that no one could feel
the experience that no one understands
left a scar on my heart

the words that cut like a knife
the actions that drew blood
the abuse that brought tears
left a scar on my heart

my scar holds me back... it reminds me to be be careful
but it also reminds me that God is good and He heals

learning to miss...

I missed you today. But I know that you're with God, and He's taking care of you.
Just wished that you could be here, but I find reassurance in knowing that I'll be able to spend eternity with you in heaven. Until then, I'll leave you with God.

The grieving has ended... and I simply miss now. The other emotions have gone as well... all that remains is a longing for your presense. It is okay, because you're in my heart.

I think I'm gonna be okay. :)

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~II Corinthians 5:17

Wow... so much packing... so much to be thrown out. In the last 18 years that I have been living in Canada, I think I have kept anything and everything that I deemed worthy of keeping. I think I emptied about 5 shoeboxes filled with notes from jr high and up... notes filled with teen angst... mainly about what else? Boys of course. Hahaha... about 20 binders worth of notes, assignments, and random handouts in class... Thank goodness for the digital age, otherwise I think I'd have more photo albums worth of pictures.

It's really out with the old. But not so much in with the new. But I think it's exactly how I'm feeling inside. I'm leaving this old part of me behind for the new person that I've found in HK. I know I'm not the same as when I left only 4 months ago. (Thanks for those who've noticed.) As I pack up all this stuff, and throw things out, I feel like I'm really done with all that used to cause me so much pain. It is truly behind me, and I've embraced the new joy that God's given me. :)

As I sit here, literally in the midst of all my crap, I am lost for words. As I pull up past treasure after past treasure... I wonder why I ever kept all these things in the first place. I've got quite the collection of knick knacks... a little of everything, but for what use?

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destory, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Matthew 6:19-21

At first before I came home, I thought throwing all that stuff out would be really hard and going through everything would also be hard, but it hasn't been so bad. Maybe my attitude towards this whole thing has changed. Perhaps, it is because I no longer find comforts in all of these "things." I've definitely overindulged myself over the years, and while it would be nice to keep everything, it is not necessary for my survival. I have been without all of these things the last 4 months, and most of it, I didn't even miss, or remember that I had.

These things that I own did not bring comfort while I was feeling low. It was God, and my friends who were there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or an word of encouragement. It is not these things that keep me accountable, or these things that define who I am. All of these things and more I've already found in Christ Jesus my Savior, so... why should I be sad at all this? :)

I say this now... we'll see what happens when I can't even keep the little that I wish to take with me. I'll be clinging hard to God's promises for my life. Please pray... hahaha... there's still lots to go through....

simply sad...

I am simply overcome by sadness. It has been a hard week... and everything all together just made me overwhelmingly homesick. My grandpa passed away last week and today was the funeral. There... I said it. How sad is it that I don't feel like I can tell people, but I can post it here on the internet. But I guess that is where the feeling homesick part comes in.
I'm trying so hard, but somedays I still feel so alone. I feel like when I needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on the most, the world walked out on me and left me no one. When I needed just one encouraging word, a hug, or even just a pat on the shoulder, I came up empty. I'm tired of reaching out, can someone please reach in.
I miss having those few numbers that I can call when I'm in need. I miss those who always know when to call and what to say. I really could've used a kind word today... even just a simple text or a missed call to know that someone thought of me today. To know someone remembered...
Maybe I've been too cautious, and not open enough. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough to open up? I really don't know what else I can do... I've already laid aside my pride and dignity. I really have no more to give... I really don't.

3 times...

Deut 31:6, 7-8, 23

3 times this morning God said "Be strong and courageous"

He said to be strong and courageous because:
~He is with me
~He will never leave me or forsake me
~God will fulfill His promise
~He has gone before me

He also said to not be afraid or discouraged.

I do think that God's made His point this morning. I'm not quite sure what He may be referring to, but when the situation comes for me to stand firm and to be strong and courageous, I shall cling onto the words that He has given me this morning. I'm very excited to see that through it, God's gonna reveal a fulfilled promise! Thanks for the message God!

Against the currents...

"The search for God is a reversal of the normal, mundane worldly order. In the search for God, you revert from what attracts you and swim toward that which is difficult. You abandon your comforting and familiar habits with the hope (the mere hope!) that something greater will be offered to you in return for what you've given up." ~Eat, Pray. Love

This is exactly what I've been learning and trying to live out. I no longer wish to conform to the patterns of the world. I want to live the life that God has ordained for me, and not what man wishes me to live. I refuse to let the drive of my life be money (which is not easy when you live in a place like HK) and have my sole purpose be to make as much money as possible. I wish for God to be my driving force, and my sole purpose to please Him and Him only.

I'm tired of trying to do what is "right" in the worlds eye. I'm tired of trying to find what would be most practical. I'm ready to live the supernatural, I'm ready to walk into all that God has in store for me. I'm ready to surrender all I am, to have but just a glimpse of His glory. If His road for me is practical and sane, than so be it. If it is not, I'm willing to go.

I'm going to start running full speed against the currents of this world, and trust that God is going to protect me from the oncoming traffic! :)

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." ~Matt 5:23-24

A few weeks ago, God convicted me that I had unforgiveness sitting in my heart. I am still struglling with this unforgiveness, because I am still clinging onto it. This week, He gave me that verse in Matthew. I've been standing at the altar, trying to offer God my whole life. I keep asking God to use me, to lead me to where He is calling me to be. Yet, I don't feel Him leading me, I don't feel Him trying to use me. I think it's because I haven't dealt with what He has asked me to.

This weekend, He taught me that I need to be patient. I need to let Him complete His process of fine-tuning, to let Him finish the cleaning out of all that displeases Him in my life. He came, put His arms around me and said "Hold up there, I'm not done yet, so I can't let you go out there. I need to stay put right where I've placed you, and trust me. I'll get you there when the time is right. But for now just chills right here and do what I've asked you to do."

So I guess, I will simply enjoy all the blessings that God has poured into my life. Through it, He has taught me so much, and by allowing His Holy Spirit to be in me, I will find the love that I need to forgive and to finally put it all to an end. I will learn to let go of my anger and pain. I will learn to trust God, and as a result others that God has placed into my life. I will enjoy this time where God slowly puts my heart back together piece by piece. There will be times when it gets hard and it will hurt, but I will trust in God. I will trust my maker because I know that He will be as gentle as He can with the fragile pieces.

I have found God here, and I'm loving each and every minute as I learn to fall in love with him over and over again on a daily basis. :)

small things... a world of difference

I miss being Cel... or rather I miss being called that. Hahaha... I guess I can't really miss myself, since I'm with me ALL the time. I can't really get away from myself. I miss the intimacy of nicknames and inside jokes. I miss the relationships and all the memories that comes along with them. I miss the comfort of walking into a room and knowing everyone in it. I miss feeling safe to be who I am. It feels weird at times to be called by my full name... I've gone with using Cel for so long that it takes a little longer for me to register that someone is calling me. Hahaha.... :P

I miss the old, but at the same time, making new relationships has been challenging, yet rewarding. It was been scary, but an adventure. As I get to know people better, I am starting to relax and starting to be more myself. Being riped out from what I am accustomed to has been interesting. I've been learning lots about myself. God moves me to tears almost weekly now. I am in complete awe of just how amazing He is and all that He has done in my life.

As I continue on this adventure God has put me on, I will cling to His promises that there will be more. He will make my life even more abundant and more full. I look forward to watching Him make my life flourish! I know that the road will not be easy, but will simply hold on to His power, His promises and His presense, it won't be as bad as it seems.

a new perspective...

So I went hiking on Saturday. Haha, I guess it has been a really long time since I've been hiking, and for sure I haven't gone hiking in Hong Kong since I was like 5... and that wasn't really hiking back then. So Saturday morning, at the last minute it was decided that we would go to Tai Tam for our hike which was rated as a level 2 hike, with the highest being 3. I figured it couldn't be that bad. Hahaha... oh how I was wrong. In honesty, it was simply the stairs that killed me. But I didn't want to turn around, and the view at the top was definitely was worth it.
It was so nice to get out of the city for a couple of hours. Away from the neon signs, the business, the people, the crowds, the shops... the materialism. It was so nice to be in the "mountain" surrounded by trees, rocks... and things that are green. The city looks so different when you're looking down from the top. hahaha... and it's not the same was when you go up to the Peak either. I mean, there's still that mall up there, with crowds of tourists, and just people. But the trail was pretty quiet, and when we got to the top, it was just us and trees... and powerlines. Hahaha... we HAD to go to the end or turn back, because there really was no other way down.
Then later that night, went to Thirst at church. I guess it's kind of a YIC and YAC combined. Good worship and a very excellent message. God broke me down once again with the words in God of Justice: "Freely we've received, so freely we will give" with respect to forgiveness. God has poured out His forgiveness upon me so freely,and so very generously. Yet, I'm like that servant in the parable, who holds onto that and does not share it with others. I have not shown the same grace and mercy. He took my hand last night and led me into the very depths of my heart where all the anger and hatred was still lingering and poisoning my soul. He said "Now is the time" to let go of the grudge. Now is the time to stop blaming them for my misery. It weighs me down and keeps me from being all that I can be for God. I've bought into Satan's lies that this makes me not good enough to do God's work. I bought into the lies that God's plans for me will no longer be as good as they had been originally. I believed all of the lies that was fed to me.
So now, I've decided to take on a new perspective, and responsibility for my present. What happened in the past will remain in the past, and it does not affect the plans that God has for my present or my future. The past does not make me unworthy of God's presense, or of God's blessing. I'm going to listen to God and start this forgiving so that He can show me all the exciting things that are still to come!

"We must go
To live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward
Keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go" ~God of Justice (Tim Hughes)

endorphines au naturale...

oh dear... I am on such a high right now. Hahaha.... went to play some streetball with some guys from church and their work friends. Definitely not used to this humidity... I felt so gross like within 10 mins! But I was OH SO VERY NICE to play and to get out to do something OTHER than just eat and shop. Don't get me wrong, I love the shopping and the eating that can be had in the H to the K, but at the same time I'm definitely starting to get sick of eating out everyday! (Thank goodness my mom is coming home soon!) I seriously think I ate more healthy living on my own in E-town than now while living with my dad and my brother. I would cook... but by the time I get home after work, I just wanna die. (When you have NOTHING to do... it drains your energy more than if you have a bazillion things to do!)

Anyways, I definitely need to thank God for all that He has done for me. It isn't even just in the last 2 months of providing everything for me, but preparing me all my life for this. I've come to realize that I am definitely an extrovert. I tend to be quiet at first and observe lots, but when that stage is over... I come out! hahaha, I dont know how better to put it. I'm totally a people person, and I'll just get out there and meet people every week. Either that, or I just have a very adaptable nature. I admit that I've become more cautious over the years of who I trust and don't trust, but really I've realized that I'm a very trusting person and that my trust is easy to gain, but hard to get back once it is gone. I'll open my heart up to just about anyone, but if they abuse my trust, see ya later!

Praise God for new friends! Praise God for a new church and for new community! I feel so blessed! Don't get me wrong, I still miss home and all that's been left behind, but I'm learning to be okay as he continues to fill my life with all that I miss. I missed friends, he's definitely blessed me with people to hang out with. I miss just hanging out, and he provides opportunities to hang out at people's houses to just chills. I miss playing basketball and he provides me with good people to let me play with them. I thought I was missing out on Kanye West in May, and well... guess who's coming to HK in 2 weeks! I just don't know how to describe just how incredibly happy and hard these past 2 months have been. I really can't believe that it's only been 2 months!

I don't regret my decision to make that leap through that open door that God's gave me. I feel myself healing and I'm starting to hear my Father's voice in heaven once again. Oh how I've missed His voice. Praise God for always reminding me that He's there, and that He's always been there, and that He's never left. It was only I who did not want Him around.

Hehe... I'm so happy!

freedom...

i've found freedome in animosity. it's a freedom i've never felt before. i'm no longer caught in the chains that you've put around me, no longer silenced by my fear of your displeasure. i don't have to worry about tarnishing that reputation of yours. no more stuck in that prison cell of silence that you locked me up in. i am no longer entangled in the lies that you fed me, no more buying into all the lies that satan wanted me to believe.
i can now share without feeling ashamed, without worrying that you'll find out. there is no biased anger, no trying to see things from your side, no uncomfortable friends wondering if they should take sides, no more screening an invite list. people no longer see me and then see you because they don't know you. i'm no longer the girl with the baggage that is you, because they don't know about us. no more looks of pity because they don't know what happened. i can share openly in confidence because they don't know who you are, they can't put a face to this person that i speak of.
it's helped with the healing. it's given me new strength and it's mended my broken relationship with my father in heaven. i'm learning to see the whole thing for what it was, and it makes me angry and it makes me sick in the stomach. you make me sick in the stomach, but God is teaching me to forgive you. He's teaching me to lean on Him and about his grace and mercy.
the truth has been hard to swollow at times, but i will plow through this because God promised He'll be there no matter what, and the prize at the end of all this is worth it. God will deal with you accordingly and revenge is not mine to take, so no matter how much it hurt i will simply lean on God and He will hold me tight and comfort me and give me peace.

1 month down..

i can't believe that i've been in hk for a month and away from edmonton for only a month. it feels like it's been forever. so much has happened in one month... but at the same time it feels like nothing has happened. regardless, God has been good, and He's constantly reminding that He's got my back no matter what, and no matter what happens, He is never going to leave me, or forsake me. He's there for me, for life! :) i've been taken lots of comfort in those words, especially when i've been feeling so homesick for all my friends, and i feel like i have to go at everything alone now. i know in my heart that God has big things in store for me this year, and that He's going to take me on the greatest adventure i've seen yet... but at the same time i'm still sad, and clinging on to all that i've left behind. i know i need to let go and embrace this for what it is... an adventure. i need to take everyday for what it is and make the most of each one of them.

this is the song that's really touched me lately. it's put God back into perspective for me, and it's been a good reminder that no matter what, no matter where i am, no matter what condition i am in, God has no distance, no time zones, no bed time. God is there always, at all times no matter what. And it's not just when He feels like it, it's 4 life!

4 life ~ naturally seven

Red light, green light, 1,2,3.
F O R L I F E
I got you if you got me.
F O R L I F E
We’ll always be together you will see.
F O R L I F E
You and me were meant to be.
F O R L I F E

Chorus
No matter what you’re going through, I’ll be there with you.
Looking out right by your side, for life, for life.
I’m never too far away, come rain or shine or in pain.
I’ll be there to give you what you need, for life, for life.

Have faith, trust in me, you’ll never have to hurt no more from now on you’ll see.
I got you, if you got me, there’ll never be a lonely road, no.
When you move to the left, call me.
When you bounce to the right don’t forget me.
I’m right here with you, I’ll always come through.
When your tank is low, I’ll gas ya.
Got nowhere to go, I’ll get cha
I’ll see you through, I promise you.

It’s clear, so simple to see, all you gotta do is 1, 2, step and follow me.
To a place, where we can hide away, you’ll find love, peace, and happiness.
For as long as you stay.

You’ll never be the same, it will change you.
I’ll wash away, all that pains you.
Let me take you there, to show you I care.
You can talk to me, I’ll hear you, tell me anything you want to.
All your troubles bring, I got you through anything.

You can call me whenever, life disappoints you and your spirits are down.
I got cha, leave you? No never, I’ll always be there if you want me around

end of the road...

i can't believe that this will be the last time that i will sit here writing this... and that was the last time i will be driving into this driveway... and be coming home like this. it's really just starting to hit me that once i get on the plane tomorrow, the next time i come "home" there won't be this house to come home to. my room won't be upstairs... well it will be, but it won't be mine anymore. my stuff will not be here... there will be no more hanging out here, no more bbqs, no more parties... it's honestly all just starting to hit me. i think i need a moment to absorb it all.
i can't believe that this is really happening... and that this won't be here next time i'm back. i think i need more than a moment... this is so strange... and i can't wrap my head around it all. i know that this will be good for me, and this is an amazing opportunity and it's not something that happens everyday, but it's all just happening so fast. i feel like i didn't even get to say my farewells properly... well some did... and some did not. hahaha... i call it an uneven distribution of time....
this year is going fly by... we shall see what happens when it is all over. right now i'm just in shock i think... i shall go take my moment and enjoy my last hours in this house... because it will never be the same again...

scared stiff...

it's that time... in my decision making where i start second guessing myself as usual. OH MY GOODNESS!!! What am i doing?!??! I'm really doing this.... I'm packing up my stuff and moving to HK... I dunno... it's just insane. can someone please tell me what i'm doing? and tell me that i'm not making the biggest mistake of my life... cause i'm really starting to wonder if i'm doing the right thing... i am so scared right now.
But God opened the door, so there has to be a reason that I'm going through it right? I mean I asked for a door... and it came... so the only logical thing was to walk through it. And now that it's starting to sink in... I'm starting to get scared... and starting to get sad thinking about all the things I'm going to miss.
I think i'm getting cold feet that's all. I didn't think that God would open such a door... I thought I'd move to Vancouver... be "closer" to HK in a sense, but still be able to enjoy the comforts of Canada... maybe i was being too greedy. I need to accept what God has given and be thankful. So I will make the most of this... and I'm sure that God has His reasons for taking me so far away from all of my closest friends...
Well... I hope it all turns out okay... because right now I'm still feeling like I've lost my mind...

finally! an open door!!!

there's finally an open door for me to step through! i can finally leave this city! yay! someone has finally given me a chance at a job in the hk! so i'm getting back on a plane and going back to hk. i'll be gone by the end of this month!

i've finally found a break in the clouds. i can finally leave all this crap behind and hopefully start to fully heal. i've been waiting to get away for a long time, and my opportunity has finally come!

seeing the truth at last...

learning to let go is hard... learning to see the truth is hard. accepting the new truth is hard.
lately i've been coming to terms with a new truth, and that's been really hard. it's been tearing me apart on the inside. it's riping me apart, but at the same time it's felt refreshing in a strange way.
the truth is that there was never any love, there was never any care, and there was never any God involved in anyway. there was never any patience, and there was always a record of wrongs being kept. it was never love, and that's why you could walk away and not look back. there was no love, so you could just leave me stranded there and feel nothing.
i understand it all now... and it hurts, but i finally know now.
this is where i cut it all off and walk away. this is where i hand it all over to God and allow Him to heal my heart, and fill it with love and forgiveness once more.
this is where i stop caring and start living my own life. this is where i make God my everything
this is where i stop hating
this is where i stop wondering
this is where i begin anew
this is where i begin trusting again
this is where i begin loving once more

i can't change what's already happened, but that's what made me into who i am today, the person who tries to love God in all i do, the person who tries to be all that she can be for God. i hate complacency, and i refuse to live in it any longer. i hate worldliness, i hate what the world has made on certain days.

Enter In (click to hear it!)
words and music by Matthew Snelgrove

Verse One
I remember the time
When you came into my life You saved me
I’m no longer the same
Forever I am changed
You paid for it all

Chorus
Help me to enter in to where the veil has been torn
Closer to where you are as the angels adore

Verse Two
Now its time to live the life
As a living sacrifice
Pleasing to you
Go in to the fields
To bring in your harvest
To do your will

Bridge
Holy is the Lord

just a quote...

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering it's things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night." ~The Kite Runner

losing the fight...

~It is breaking me down
Watching the world spin around
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?
Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?~

i'm getting so tired... so weary of fighting now. So tired of pretending. I'm not as strong as you all think I am. the truth: i'm falling apart from the inside out. somedays i just feel like i can't take it anymore. i want out, i want a break. it's not as great as everyone makes it out to be... being alone makes the fight that much harder. being all by myself makes me doubt myself. fighting alone makes it hard... and i think i'm about ready to give up the fight. no one seems to care, no one seems to notice that i'm struggling. what's the point in fighting anymore? what's the point on keeping my head afloat anymore? the doubts... the regrets... the shame... the pain... it's all become so overwhelming lately.
the pain in my heart... it pierces... it hurts... who can i trust anymore? i know to you it's petty... i know to you all it's all just the past... but it's not to me. it's become life... it's become who i am... it's the one thing that i keep stumbling over. i'm trying so hard to get over it... trying so hard to let it go... trying so hard to be a bigger person... trying so hard to be happy... trying so hard to live my life. but what's the point anymore... it all seems so pointless...
what if i just faded into the background... and then faded out of the picture completely... i've lost sight of everything that's important to me... i've forgotten what it feels like to be loved unconditionally... i'm beginning to feel only hate and bitterness once again.... the loneliness seems so much stronger than love cause love seems so far away... forgiveness seems so far away... i keep looking towards getting outta here... away from all this pain... all the betrayal... all the hate... all the bitterness... i think the time has come... it's time for me to get out there... wherever out there is... maybe out there someone can hear me, and they will save me from this hell.

solitude...

funny how people always want what they don't have. so once again, i have the house all to myself. blessing and a curse. strange, because i was getting so tired of having all these people around... and just when i was getting used to having people around again, they're all gone again. that's just the irony in life, right?
i don't mind the being alone part, but there are days when it would be nice to have someone to talk to when i walk in the door, or someone to have a conversation with while i'm eating dinner at the table... by myself. or even just someone to watch tv with, so that i don't end up laughing at something all alone. a jokes always funnier when shared with another.
the solitude almost becomes too much, yet i don't feel the need to reach out for people. even after sitting at my cubicle all day, coming home and being by myself some more isn't so bad. it doesn't drive me to the point where i feel like i need to find someone, doesn't make me desperate enough to actually pick up a phone and call people.
maybe it's that... or maybe it's just that i don't even know who i would call. i don't even know who has the time, or who i can trust. trust has become such an issue lately. maybe that's why i enjoy my solitude so much. it gives me an excuse to not have to open up myself. it gives me an excuse not to tell people things. it allows me to keep things to myself, where it is safe. it's not that i don't trust, but simply that i have a hard time trusting those who have betrayed the trust.
i choose to stay silent because i can't wear my heart on my sleeve no longer. it always gets me in trouble and it's about time that i took care of my heart. i don't want to be hurt again... so until i feel stronger, i think i'm just going to be extra careful with my heart, and keep it where i know it can't get hurt anymore.

Life goes on...

Don't you ever just have one of those days where you wished the world would just spinning and time would just stand still for you. For it to just stop so you can catch up with your own thoughts, with your own feelings. A day where you feel like everything is running out of your grasp, and no matter how hard you reach or how fast you try to run to catch up, you just can't seem to get there, and it's always just out of your reach. So you wonder, if time could just stop for you to catch up with everything else wouldn't that be wonderful?
Too bad time doesn't stop for nobody. It doesn't stop for you when you're sad, and you just want it to stop while you dwell in your sadness. It doesn't stop when you're happy and you wish that time would stop so you can enjoy the joy for awhile. It doesn't stop when you feel like you can't take it anymore, and you just want a break from the rest of the world. Time never stops no matter what the circumstances are.
Lately, I've been having lots of those days. Lots of days where I wish time would stop. Not because I want to dwell in any one of those feelings. Life hasn't been completely terrible to me, nor has it been great that I wish I could be in this time forever. It's been those days where you feel like things are just moving at an uber quick speed, and you wish that it would slow down so you can catch up. My days just seem to all amalgamate into one huge day... and I can't really tell one from the other. I go to work, I go home... and it starts all over again... until I reach the weekend.
But in the end, I know that time does not stop ever, and life simply moves on. I've realised that I need to appreciate each day as it comes, and take it for what it is: a blessing from God that I am alive to live another day. I know that hind sigh is 100% and dwelling on anything too long is no good for me. It will always be more clear now than it was awhile back. So therefore, I should face forward and keep striving towards the end goal.

God's protection

when i think of everything i've seen or gone through in the past little while, i can't help but see how God has really been protecting me and keeping me safe. He saved me from a lot of hassle. a couple of weeks ago, the bank got robbed, but due to timing, i was safely in the lunch room on my lunch break. had my coworker gotten back later, or if i had taken my time to go on lunch, i probably would've been the first one to be robbed.
last night, as i was driving home, i watched a guy run a red, and was hit by a car that was going on the green. thank goodness he was fine, and he barely had a scratch on him. i was lucky because there are days when i don't watch the light, and if people beside me are moving, i tend to go too. praise God i was alert, and paying attention. waiting for the police so i could give my statement was a pain, and it was pretty chilly, but at least i wasn't in the accident. being the by stander is much better than being involved in this case.
He's definitely been taking care of me. i guess it's not in the ways i wish for Him to, and He hasn't provided what i WANTED. but he's very obviously provided what i NEEDED. there's no room for my selfishness. how can i see how God has been taking care of me and wonder if i can offer Him my life? how can i even wonder if it's worth it? this is my come back for people who think they can live life now, and give to God later: what if you died tonight? or what if God came back tonight? and you haven't given Him your life, so He tells you that you can't enter into eternity with Him? or He asked you about why you haven't answered His calling?
we can't keep holding back and telling ourselves that we still have time to come back to God later, when all the fun's been had. God demands that we live for Him NOW in the present. i think lately i've been forgetting about that. when i get to heaven, God's not going to care about what i had PLANNED to do, but He's going to care about what i have already DONE. i believe that it's time for me to sit back and re-evaluate where my heart lies, and where i've placed God these past couple months.

frustration to the max...

what is it that God wants from me? where is it that i'm suppose to go? what is it that i am to do? i'm tired of trying to be patient, and i'm tired of being on my own. don't pretend like you know or understand, because you don't. you don't know the frustrations i go through everyday, you don't understand my anger and confusion.
i try to turn to God, but everytime i get near, i feel the need to pull away. i want to feel the comfort of God's hand in my life, but i find myself turning to worldly things instead. i'm trying to hear God's voice, but i feel like everything else in my life drowns it out. i can't hear it. i feel like i keep knocking on His door, and He's just ignoring me. do you understand what that feels like? to stand there and wait, and wait, and wait, but He doesn't come, and He doesn't answer.
i think 2 years ago, a small part of me died, and i haven't been the same since. lately the memories have been haunting me, and certain fears have returned. it makes me want to run, to run away and never come back. to go where no one knows me, where no one even knows my name. to be alone, and leave it all behind.
~I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are~
i've called...but where is the answer? God where are you?

restless

i hate this state of restlessness that i've fallen into. this state of unsatisfaction where nothing seems to cease my frustration with everything in my life. i have a job for which i should be grateful, i have a wonderful family, and amazing friends, all of which are Godsent, and all of which i am very grateful for. so why am i so unhappy and so frustrated with my life? a year ago my life was a question mark as graduation neared, but at least i was happy. scared, but happy. now i find myself caught in the materialistic world, chasing after jobs that pay me more money, longing for things that bring only temporary satisfaction. where has all my passion gone? where did all that joy go?
i feel as if i've become what i wanted to become the least. i've become one of those people who wake up every morning and dread going to work. i've become one of those people who hate their jobs, and in turn i think i'm starting to hate myself for it.
maybe i'm restless because i've haven't attained all that God meant for me. i'm not where God wants me to be, i'm not doing what He wants me to do. but what is it that He wants for me, where is it that i am to be? i thought it was here, so was it? i'm waiting, and i'm getting impatient.
right now i'd do anything to jump back onto that plane and head back to the philippines, but i believe that's called running away from reality... and in a way, running away from God. i know that He hasn't called me back there just yet... and that right now i need to stay put and wait on God. somedays are easier than others... but God knows best, and if i try to do my own thing i know i'll simply land flat on my face. so gotta just keep trekking for the sake of eternity.

happy new years!

HAPPY 2007! i can't believe that 2006 is over already. feels like yesterday that we celebrated the end of 2005. praise God for the most amazing year yet. despite all the uncertainty this year was filled with, and all the anxiety of not knowing what was/is ahead for me, i still think that it was a wonderful year. the highlight was definitely missions in the Philippines, and 3 months in HK with family and random friends.
this past year brought new struggles and trials that i had not seen before, but i stayed focused on God, and He carried me through each and every single time. i'm thankful for new struggles and trials because that means that i've grown and that i'm not struggling with the same thing year after year. and this past year was also the most happy i've been in years, so praise God for filling my heart with joy and laughter.
several things i learned this year: i now know how it feels for those who don't speak any chinese to step in our church... it's confuing... and you just don't understand what's going on half the time. i've seen firsthand that prayer goes beyond language and border and culture. i've learned how to bury the past and be happy with where i am. i've learned that finding a job is hard... esp one that you will "enjoy." most importantly i've learned the importance of having family and friends support, pray and encourage you in everything is a previlaged, not to be taken for granted.
as the new year begins, i pray that God continues to touch everyone in which ever way they need. i pray that you will all find Him in all that you do, and He will bless you in everything. i'm excited to see what He has in store for 2007, no matter good or bad, because i know that He is in control, and whatever happens, it will be develop my faith in Him, and through it i will mature.
have a good one!

no one said it would be easy

"The reason some of us are such poor specimens of Christianity is because we have no Almighty Christ. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment to Jesus Christ." ~ Oswald Chambers

so often, i find myself falling into the trap of becoming that sunday christian. especially now that i'm not serving at church, it's so easy to just praise and worship God on sunday... then on every other day... god gets put on the back burner, and sometimes even pushed out of my life completely. it doesn't work so well to compartimentalize your life into church and non-church. one will always dominiate over the other, and they can never co-exist in harmony.

when we don't abandon our lives to God, He doesn't come shining through our lives. what ends up showing through is our true selfish human nature. the part of us that isn't able to love through God's supernatural love, and therefore we are called hypocrites and turn people away from Christianity. when we lead that double-faced life of ours, it's easy to see why people would call us hypocrites. i'd call myself one too.

but God never promised that being a Christian would be easy. He never promised that it would be all blue skies and daisies. BUT He did promise that He would walk it with us, and never leave us on our own as long as we put our faith in Him. human nature causes us to not abandon our lives to God, therefore, God does not come shining through.

honestly, even the best of christian makes mistakes sometimes. it's only human. so please, just cut us some slack. we do try our best.

there's always a choice

everything we do, is the result of a choice that we make. there is always a choice. you may choose to go to class, or you may choose to sleep in. you may choose to go to work, or you may call in sick. i taken a certain route to work because i choose to take it. as we get older, the more choices we need to make. when you're little, your parents make all your decisions for you, when to sleep, where to go to school, what to eat for dinner, sometimes even what you should wear everyday. it was easy, everything was decided for us.
then we started getting older, and parents started to let us make our decisions more often. more say in which extracurricular activities to take part in, what to wear, how to cut our hair, which high school to go to, which classes to take, which university, what to major in, etc.
and i guess now i've reached that stage where i need to decide, what kinda job i want, what city do i want to be in, what kinda person i'd want to marry, should i buy a car, a house, etc. the more choices we have to make, the harder it seems. as our parents start letting go, we start to realize that not all decisions take 15 seconds. not everything is black and white. sometimes, there is no wrong choice, sometimes, you just need to make a choice.
who we are and where we are in life is a result of all the choices that we have made. i am who i am because i chose God above everything else in this world. i am where i am becuase i chose to follow God instead of my own needs and wants. sometimes, i get frustrated, and i want to take the easy way out. i want to choose the world instead of God. i want to make that choice to turn my back on God and walk away from it all. taking the higher road is not easy, and it does not come with out its consequences. to take the higher road means i have to give up myself... and sometimes that isn't the easiest thing to do. we're naturally selfish people, and we want to take care of ourselves first.
but as hard as taking the higher road is, it is the choice that leaves me with the least amount of regrets. it is the choice that does not leave me in shame or guilt. and there will always be times when there only seems like one way out of a situation, but that's a lie. there is always a choice, and that choice is always left for us to make. no one else can make up our minds for us. so don't ever blame a situation you're in on someone else. you're the only person who could've allowed yourself into that situation. (okay... of course unless someone hits you on the road while you're following all the traffic rules.)
so don't blame God for putting you into something. you wouldn't be in it unless you've allowed Him into your life to do so, and it's because He thinks you can handle it. take it as a compliment. everything is your choice.

simply grace

did you know that God loves you so much more than anything? did you know that you mean so much more to Him than you could ever imagaine? did you know that all God wants is your life? if you don't know how much God loves you, and desires for your life, read the Parable of the Lost Sheep (Matt 18:10-14)
sometimes, we feel like giving God control over our whole lives is way too much. we feel like if we hand everything over, then life will suck and we won't have any fun. we feel like if we don't have any say in our own lives, then nothing will turn out okay. i am definitely one of those who are guilty of this. i don't want to hand God everything, i'm scared that the things that matter to me most won't matter to God, and He'll either remove it from my plans, or just do a half-ass job on it. i get scared that if i have no say that God will make me do things that i don't want to do. i'm not perfect, i have things that i'm unable to put before God. i stumble and fall all the time. i demand to have things my way from God all the time.
but have you ever considered how much God sacrificed in order to be able to have these intimate relationships with us? have you ever thought about how much God had lost in order that we might gain and live in eternity with Him? we feel like if we give up our lives to God, we give up our freedom and we give up all our fun. i feel like that all the time. the legalistic side of the religion demands that i live that pure and blameless life that Jesus lived. it makes me feel like there is no room for error, no room for me to "live my life."
do you know that God sacrificed His son on the cross for us? Jesus died on that cross so that can be free in Christ. He died to make me blameless before God, therefore through grace we are saved, it is grace that leaves room for error. of course there is also the difference between making a mistake and doing something wrong for the sake of doing something wrong. somedays i feel like life without God would be so much more free and so much more fun, but then i remember everything that God has done in my life, and i know that's not true. i know that because of God, i have true joy that i would not have otherwise. i am free from sin, that that is better than "feeling" free because that's what the world has defined as being free.
the gravitational pull of worldly things is huge, and i admit that there are times when that pull seems to be so much stronger than the pull of the holy spirit. but that's why God requires us to spend daily time in his word and learning more about Him. it's not easy, and somedays, we will fall, but God simply requires that we try, and grace will do the rest.

oh i love them filipinos!

God reminded me of why He sent me to the philippines for a month today. through some letters that arrived in the mail... i was reminded of why God sent me to those kids, and put them into my heart even before i set foot into that country! the kids in the picture are the kids who wrote to me. they're my grades 4, 5 and 6 whom i was teaching math to. i didn't even realize that i missed them so much until i got these letters.
why does it bring me such joy? cause i completely forgot how bad their english was! i forgot that they would write these notes, and i'd be starring at 2 sentences for 5 min trying to figure out what in the world the point of it was! ahh... such fun times those were. and the best part of opening these letters was when i opened them, and i looked down at the first letter, these were the first words that i read: dear mommy cecilia... i was like "what the?!!" and then i saw who it was from and i almost fell to the ground laughing! if you guys want to know what else was funny, just ask, i'll show you the letters!
funny how God always brings the right things at the right time. always something there to remind me that He's still there and He's taking care of me. at the same time keeping me accountable to keeping these people in my heart and in my prayers. a reminder that the burdens He's placed on my heart weren't of my own imagnation and they were from God, and they were things that He wanted me to do. somedays, i feel like my trip to the philippines was such a gong show and that i gained nothing from it, but a suitcase full of dried mangoes. but when i hear from them, it makes me want to be back there with them, and i realized i gained exactly what God had wanted to.
these kids taught me what it means to rely on God for everything. they taught me what simple joys really mean. they taught me how to open up my heart to let strangers in. and most importantly they have taught me that life is only as good as you make it out to be.

it all ends... right here, right now

unfortunately that does not correspond to my job searching. but that is okay. because i read this during my devotions last night:
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it be yours." ~ Mark 11:24
after hearing that, i know that i only need to trust in my God and have faith that He will provide me with all that i need, and it will all be done according to His good and perfect will for my life!

...
do NOT bring down everything that i have worked so hard to build up this past year. i am NOT going back to all that pain and deception. so please just leave me be. i was only trying to be nice, and did not mean any more by it. i thought God has provided the platform for reconciliation, and i was simply answering that call for it. well... you're ruined your last chance. this is it. i say no more.

i thought friendship was finally a possibility. so why did you go and wreck all that? so maybe the time isn't right yet. maybe the time will never be right. that lies in God's hands now. you have been given your very last chance to make it right... and you messed it up. so please just stop with the mind games. i don't need them no more. don't feed me any more of your lies. i'm walking away once and for all. please respect me for the human being that i am. i do have feelings, i do have a heart, and i will get hurt.

so i beg you. please just leave me be until you're ready to understand and apologize.

WHAM!!!

my... that was one hard wall that i hit this week. so still no call from starbucks, so i've just figured that they're not going to hire me. and another rejection today... so even bmo won't hire me as a teller... what IS going on?!?! am i really that underqualified to work in a bank? am i really bombing all my interviews THAT badly?!? well... i know i bombed today at ATB. i feel sooooo sad right now! after my sad perfomance, the only way they're going to call me back with good news will be completely by God's grace! i even studied for the interview... and it just all came out wrong... and the stuff they tested me on was totally not what i had done with that same program at school... totally using it in a completely different way! *sigh*

~I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.~ Isaiah 42:16

i know that God will lead me and provide for me just like He did for the Isrealites. i believe because that's all i have to go by now. i am completely discouraged by all the rejection. it just seems like no matter what, i either don't even get the interview and when i do... i completely bomb it! but God's promised... so i will believe. no matter what His chosen people did to disgrace Him, He still loved them and kept His promises. so how much more will my Father in heaven do for me. God has taught me so much these past couple of weeks... i just hope that it's not too late. i hope that job is just a corner away... and one more turn down this dark twisted path that i call life... and the light will be there, and God will be there waiting for me to embrace me, and tell me that i did good, because this was exactly how He wanted me to endure this hardship. just a little more...

sad... but thankful

"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as other." ~Ecclesiastes 7:14

thanks for all the prayers and all the encouragement lately! how often i sulk in my own misery and ask God why things have to be so bad. i always forget that good or bad, God is the creator, and He is in control of both. i need to remember that regardless of how bad a situation is, God created it, and He placed me into it for His own purpose that i may or may not understand at the time. God has brought me here for a reason, and i trust that He will provide me with all that i need and give me all the answers that i am looking for.

i still haven't found a job. at least there was a little more hope this week. maybe soon, it won't just be phone calls, but real interviews for a job that i will enjoy. it kinda sucks because even Starbucks won't call me back! so maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a part time job. i'm tired of this sitting around and doing nothing. but in God's time i guess. and i guess i should take everyone's advice and just enjoy this break from everything that God has provided for me.

so praise God for the good things AND the bad things that happened this past week, and praise Him for getting me through another week.

sick and tired of waiting!!!

ok... i'm so tired of this waiting around and doing nothing. even Starbucks won't call me back?!?! i can't even get a part time job?!?! i'm trying so very hard to be patient here... but it's getting very very hard. i feel like i get these calls, and then there's hope... and then at the end, it's just another rejection letter.
i'm quickly losing sight of the light at the end of this tunnel. it just seems to be moving further and further away... there just doesn't seem to be an end at all! am i being too picky? am i not doing enough?! what in the world am i doing wrong?!?
am i really going to have to go sell friggin' investments stuff that i don't believe in, and that i think are total scams?!?! how am i suppose to go sell something that i don't even believe in?!?! but at the rate this is all going, those will be the only companies who will hire me!
i'm trying to stay focused... but the anxiety appear to be winning. i haven't gotten one single call about anything in over a week... nothing but a whole bunch of rejection emails! how sad. i think i'm seriously going to go crawl into a hole and not come out. maybe there'll be ice cream in this hole.... so i just go and hide out there and eat ice cream... :(
i'm even more frustrated now than i was in hk. feels like i just keep hitting wall after wall after wall. where's the provision now?! i made a choice, so where's the job?! i don't understand, i thought i followed, and if i do, then He'll help me... i don't want to be like this. argh... trying to keep the faith.

so home i am...

home for over a week now... still feels strange.

did i make the right choice? should i have tried harder? should i have stuck it out and left for good? well, too late for those what if scenarios now. home i am, and no longer in hk. still unemployed and continuing my life of a bum. at least i got a tutor job, so that will take up like an hour or 2 a week. and the rest of the time shall be distributed between my tv watching habits, working out and hermiting.

people ask me how i feel about being home. it feels strange. feels weird. feels like the last 4 months was a really nice dream but none of it really happened. but it must have, or i wouldn't constantly be reminded of the philippines and how much i love the place and the people. if it hadn't been for real, i wouldn't be sad when i think of my new church and my new friends that i found in hk. so, it must have happened, and it must have been that good. God is truly amazing because none of it would have happened if it weren't for Him! He provided everything for me, starting even before i left the country. the opportunity, the visa, the time, the strength, the courage... it was all God! if i had things my way... i would definitely not be where i am today... an unemployed bum!

but it wasn't all about experiencing. it wasn't all about the relationships that were made. there are also the lessons that had to be learned. one thing from having so much time alone to spend with God is that He always has something to reveal and you always come out better. maybe God needed to have me all to Himself so He could show me just how much He loved me and cared for me. it was about time, that i finally realized that for it is and accept that. there is nothing i can do or not do to deserve His love, He's already given it to me! not only that, but God has really taught me to let go. to REALLY clean out my own closet monsters, and chuck them out, and not aside. God taught me to let go of all that I was trying to hold on to, because if i keep hanging on, then i won't have any room to hold the new blessings that He has in store for me! what a cliche... but it's so true!

so praise God for a safe return, and for the friends who have made the move back less painful and less awkward. thanks for all those who have made me feel like i mean something. but most importantly, praise God for everything that He has done, and for all the things that He has blessed me with!