2 interviews and a rejection later...

ok... so this week i managed to land 2 job interviews. one was for a business and risk analyst trainee position, which would be kinda cool... other than the speaking in chinese part. we'll see... haven't heard back from that job just yet. next interview was for a financial consultant at this place... did really really poorly because i have troubles presenting myself in an interview format... in chinese! managed to land a second interview... just to hear the guy tell me that i'm not suited for the job. which i knew already... so why did i bother with the second interview? haha... because i have that much time, and am that bored... apparently. soooo.... just when i was ready to think that all hope was lost, i now have once again landed yet another interview next week. we'll see how this goes... doesn't seem like a job that would suit me either... argh... this is frustrating... why does God tease me like this?!?!

"Be still and know that I am God." where is this from?!?! i can't remember, but regardless, this verse just hit me today after i came home from fellowship today. fellowship was a complete blessing! i've been missing the familiar of that which is home. i miss the fellowshipping with my brothers and sisters in Christ. it has been awhile since i have felt safe and comfortable like i feel at good ol' e3c. it was good to be able to tell someone that i am from edmonton, and have them say "It's a shame about them oilers." it hurts... hahaha, but it was nice. it was nice to talk to someone who completely understands that i am having a hard time coping with things here and how i miss my friends at home like crazy! it was even more amazing when a girl i just met asked if she could pray for me, and then embraced me, and prayed God's blessing and direction over me. it was nice to have a speaker, who was a lady and who was from Canada. (who doesn't know what a blue box is?!?! apparently more than half the fellowship! haha )

but above all of that, i heard God's voice telling me to be patient. i heard Him calling me to be still and know that He is God, and that He is in control and there is not need for me to be freaking out. i hear Him calling to me to come to Him, and meet with Him, to seek Him first, and to spend time with Him. it was getting hard for me to hear God's voice, between the materialistic world of HK that i am in, and my longing for the familiar... i find myself lost in my own confusion and tangled in my own thoughts. i find myself talking to circles... oh i should go home... no i should give it some more time... no this is retarded i should go home... and it has been like this for days and days on end.

so, i will continue to be patient. i will continue to wait for God to show me His will for my life. in the mean time, i think i have found a church to worship, and a place for fellowship. :)

sunburn on a cloudy day?!?!

i believe that pictures are pretty self-explanatory of what i did today.
so who knew that you could get sun-burned on a cloudy day!?!?! who knew you had to put on sunscreen even when there's no sun?!?!
so... i didn't obviously...and guess what the result was...
i knew i burned easily... just didn't know that easily! i mean come on! i survived the philippines without even getting darker! haha... but i didn't manage ocean park without a slight sun burn... how odd. :P
but i rode my first roller coaster ever! so proud! and it had THREE upside down loop thingys! yay!
BUT... i'm still terrified of them... and of heights!

oh on another side note... i think i might be coming home. no job as of yet. pray for direction! thanks!

yet another referral...

ok... so i think i should probably figure out for myself once and for all if i want to stay or not. well... at least one good thing is that lady finally got back to me... and the earliest day i'd be starting work would be 9-11. so i finally got somewhat of an answer to that whole ordeal. and it's going to be even more temporary than before! so... i don't know, maybe i should just turn her down and head back to good ol' e-town. cause i did see this cool analyst job based in Calgary on the CaPS website the other day. we'll see, because my oh so brilliant father seems to have hooked me up once again with someone who knows someone who's hiring new grads or something. and so i gave her a call, and she said if i want something in the finance world, she might be able to hook me up. on the sadder side of things, i've applied for several jobs and received 2 rejections. haha.. maybe i should just stop bothering with this clown show of mine, and just admit my wrongs, and go back to Edmonton.
we'll see what happens. i did say i'd wait it out until mid-sept to see what happens. maybe between now and then, something will pop up. something that will allow me to gain more experience. and James Jordan is speaking at church on Sunday... so maybe that'll enlighten me some more. although he's talking about the father heart of God... should still be interesting. God can speak in many ways.
at least i finally finished that letter i've been meaning to write to the philippines. i hope they're not mad at me for not having written/texted in so long. why is it that they love to text each other?! oh wait, i think i already know the answer to that one. something about how it used to be free, so they just texted each other instead of calling. oh how i miss the philippines and the consumtion of mangos every day! maybe i should just move there instead. then it's neither edmonton or hk. just the philippines. wouldn't that be interesting? ok... but that was one really random thought. i don't think God has called me to return back there just yet. maybe in the future i can go back to visit.
so to end... i'm still unemployed and directionless! hahaha... i'm just turning into a huge coach potato... okay... so maybe i should go swimming or something... just so it'd be something to do... and maybe this way i can be darker. although i've kinda given up hope on ever being very dark at all. haha... :p
oh on a happier note. hannah called today. so i get to go to Ocean Park on Friday. yay for something to do! and a place to get dark! :)

consumed by frustration

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!! a job that was suppose to have started as early as 2 weeks ago is now... still unconfirmed. therefore, i am just a sitting duck... just sitting and waiting... and waiting and sitting... and i can't even go home because my ticket for august was last week... and it's next to impossible to get a seat in the next couple weeks.

i went to church on Sunday hoping that God would reveal himself some more... thinking maybe there He'll shine more direction on my life. haha... well, this is all i got. same thing that i've been hearing from God since before finals even began. to seek after God first, to serve Him first, and everything else will make sense. so this is where the frustration comes in! i seek God, i serve God... but yet I still feel like He hasn't shown me my direction. i followed His calling to the Philippines for a month, came back to HK... all because i felt that He has called me to do so. i get this indirect job offer... but yet it's not really working out.

i'm really torn right now. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to turn my back on God or anything, because God is still providing in so many strange and amazing ways. it is just simply in the area of my career path that is still a question mark... and i still don't feel like God has provided with any answers. to prove my point: i REALLY wanted to find tickets to the Phantom of the Opera that was playing in HK because I don't think I'll make it back to Edmonton in time for that one. but due to popular demand... tickets were all sold out. i was actually really disappointed. but the funny thing was this past sunday, they did this kind of send-off thing for this couple in the congregation. and the guy was actually a guy who was singing with the phantom of the opera and while they were visitng, they attended this church. sooooooooo, this guys sang for the congregation as a token of his appreciation or whatever, since it was their last sunday in town. THAT was pretty neat. i didn't get to see the actual production, but i guess this was God's way of making up for it.

soooooooooo... i'm frustrated because i'm impatient. but at the same time, i semi have this peace because i've seen the way God answers prayers and i've seen the way God provides. therefore, i'm not really freaking out. i'm just really frustrated out of my boredom! maybe God wants me to find a ministry to serve him in while i'm here. haha... noooooo idea! please continue to keep me in your prayers and keep me updated of the things at home! oh and thanks for those who have been my wall to bounce ideas of off, and those who have had to endure my ramblings from my frustration!

i guess the final update is this: if nothing works out here for me sometime next month... i could be home as early as late-sept or early oct. (we'll see, i still think God wants me to stick around for a lil' while)

ladies nite.... :P

so... me and el went to ladies night in lan kwai fong the other night. very interesting... free drinks and free cover.... so i guess that makes it .... very very interesting. please remind me to never drink on an empty stomach! cause... well, i'm a cheap enough drunk as it is... that plus an empty stomach... NOT a good idea. but, i was less buzzed than i thought i would be on an empty stomach... so all is good. the music was a little bunk though... at least they did play SOME good songs, but those few didn't even add up to 50%... so hence... BAD music... and apparently, that's the club where the locals go... so another deduction there!
i just realized that i have a really bad tan line... yuck! i believe that is a new one... slightly built on top of the one from last summer. ahhh... one day at disney sea.... and this is what happens.... at least i didn't burn! so for that i'm grateful.
anyways... ladies night made me miss the girls! ahhh... iron horse and its pole... hahahhaa.... drinking with the girls.... some good times. but new friends are fun too... they make for the homesickness to be less so... and helps me to pass time much more quickly.

oh... haha... i got new glasses... and permed my hair again. but i think... it makes me look like a local... so i don't wear my glasses. haha :P hmm... oh we bought a new laptop... so now i can have internet... (if the laptop is positioned correctly...) maybe this will also help me pass time... OH and it's suppose to help aid me in finding a job faster... hahaha... hopefully.... it will fulfill both of its purposes! this new baby is soooo pretty! hahaha... but i miss my own laptop at home... i miss a lot of things at home... like my bed.... my closet.... my books.... my tv.... oh and of course.... MY FRIENDS! hahaha... but opportunities here seem too good to not give them a chance... so we'll definitely have to see what happens... and see where God directs. at this moment, i'm feeling i should stay here.
sorry for really rambly... and random blogs as of late... but just deal! haha... my mind's a jumble of thoughts!

ohiyo!

we drove to Japan... haha... j/k!

don't we look so Japanese?! haha... :P

wow... time sure does fly quickly when you're having fun! it's been a loooooong time since i've had such little sleep... as in like maybe 12 hours in 4 days time? haha... i don't even get that little sleep during finals or at camp! BUT... it was a blast and i had a lot of fun!

despite the fact that i honestly met like more than half of these people in hk within the last couple weeks... haha... they sure made the trip very fun and memorable. i guess God just always knows when to bring you the right people at the right time. i've been feeling sooo homesick for Edmonton, and I guess these people somewhat provided that.... not the Edmonton part, but they certainly fulfill the Alberta factor of that equation... since they're all from Calgary! haha... despite the fact that they're from the rival town... haha Eleanor and her sister Hannah made the trip a blast! 3 girls suffering from the lack of sleep... it's quite entertaining... it's almost like when i'm drunk... i think everything is funny! except this is a result of lack of sleep and not alcohol! :) oh and we can't forget jack of course. he most certainly added to the trip... hahahaha :) and Aaron and his gf Kitty... what would we do without Kitty since she knows Japanese!

as to updates about the job thing, I did call her back after my trip, but she's been so busy and tied up that i think things may be postponed for this week. haha... which is just fine for me because that just gives me more time to play and shop! :P we'll see what happens, maybe this won't work out, and God just wanted to see if i'm willing to give up home for him... thanks for all your encouragements and prayers! i'll definitely keep you all updated!

now that the fun is over... i guess it's back to thinking about what to do now... i guess right now i'm just waiting for the lady to get back to me. i did apply for this actuarial job with AIA... but i haven't heard nothing from them... and well... i don't really expect to. i guess in time God will reveal His answer to me. i just don't deal well with uncertainty that is all! :P

til next time! take care!

some pics

hey everyone!

i posted 100 some pics on my msn space...

http://c-yiu.spaces.msn.com/photos/

so if you want to take a look... that's like a sixth of my pics... cause... well... there's over 600 altogether.

hope you're all doing well. drop me a line if you have time. i'll try to get back asap!

final update

Hey Everyone,

It's me again. I can't believe that a month is over, and I've almost been back in HK for a week now. So here I am sitting in a internet cafe... letting you all know how that last week went.

The last week, we were hit with another Typhoon (Ferlita?) I have no idea how to spell it! But it was a strong one! Lots of rain and lots of wind... for like 4 days straight! So the kids couldn't do much at all, nor could we. On Thursday and Friday, school was cancelled, so none of the college students or high school students had class, but at Glory to God Christian Academy, it was class as usual! :) Otherwise, the kids would just go crazy, so we might as well put them in class! Teaching was pretty hard, because the rain pounding on a metal roof, makes it hard to hear even the person sitting right beside you! But we did our best, and on Friday, we basically just played games with them in class. Oh and I watched them practice for Foundation Day (which they had yesterday). I was actually really sad to miss that.

It was awesome that the high school kids didn't have class, because then we got the opportunity to hang out with them and fellowship with them! The pastor asked us to share our little blurbs from Chapel hour, that we did with the kids. I really enjoy fellowshipping with the high school students! The language barrier is a little better, because they speak a bit more English than the younger kids. The typhoon apparently also killed a mother and her 3 kids in Olongapo (which is about 45min away from us), landslide in Baguio City, and a billboard was knocked down in Manila. Craziness!

On Saturday, we had a farewell party thingy. That was so much fun! But it was sooooo sad! The kids performed special numbers, and some of the high school students sang for me..... that was interesting. But the pre-schoolers did this culture dance! It was soooo cute! I'll show you all when I get home. It's all on video! As a gift they gave me this blow gun (and I quote) for "hunting mice and birds when [i] get home." But it's pretty sweet, and in exchange i presented them with the oilers flag... a lil' late in coming, but they don't care, cause they have no idea who they are anyways! I have a picture of the kids with it for all your Oiler fans! :) Oh, i bought them a treat... but i can't ever remember what they're called, it was something chinese, and I tried to teach them how to use chopsticks. (because apparently, I'm chinese so I should show them something chinese?!) haha... that was interesting. Soooo hard... cause i've used them all my life... i just know how...:P

And then Sunday... after praise, we got in the car, and were off for Manila. That was sooooooooo sad. I sat with Mary-Ann that morning... and even a couple days before that, she had already been tearing. I walked into church with just my Bible and camera, and came out with a huge pile of letters and whatnot. It was really nice. I didn't read them until I was waiting for my flight at the airport though. It just made me cry... in public. Ahhh... haha.

Oh, so on sunday, the 2 other girls were suppose to get in at midnight that night, but when we got into Manila (around 11 am) we get a call from one of them saying that she's at the airport now. That caught us all off gaurd, and apparently, the other girl ended up missing her flight. So... yah, lots of miscommunication going on there! At least, we got into town early because we were going to go see this new mall (3rd largest in the world?!). So she was lucky, we just had to make a detour... and she didn't have to wait long. I have no idea what happened with the othe girl. I guess they had to go into town again to pick her up.

I'm glad to be back with my family, and with people who kinda speak the same language as me. (Well, I can understand, even if I don't speak well.) Haha... yah... but I'm really missing the kids! I made so many new friends, and they've touched me in so deep a way that I can't even describe! I can see how God has used them to reach me. It was an awesome trip, and thank God for the opportunity and just for all his protection and guidance! Thanks for all your prayers throughout the whole month, but please don't stop praying! Continue to pray for the kids, and the other girls who are still there working with them!

Just a couple of prayer items:
- pray for the safety during this rainy season, because the children's home is on a hillside, and with all the rain, makes it prone to landslides
- pray for the girls who will be there for the next 2 weeks, pray for their ministry
- pray for direction from God, I've started looking for jobs, and my dad's been using his connections (i just need God to show me where He wants me to be.)

So, until next time.

update #1

for those who never got it:

How are you all doing?! I’m sitting in a internet café in the Philippines somewhere… haha :) Just wanted to let you all know that I got here all safe and sound, AND I didn’t lose my luggage! Praise God because I was really scared for awhile! Or just when I was waiting at luggage pick-up! It happened last time I flew by myself, so yah… I was really scared, but my luggage showed up so I was happy!So the kids are great, and my surroundings are great! And you know what the best part is?!?! I get to mangoes EVERYDAY!!!! My host family is amazing, their a Filipino missionary couple and they have 3 children. Their younger 2 are around. And their older daughter Praise is 17, and I’m having lots of fun getting to her! And my roommate, the other girl who is also here, Jade, she’s really cool! So, the 3 of us are enjoying each others company and getting to know each other. Hmm… so basically, everyday we wake up, and we eat breakfast, and then we just help out around at the school. It’s not just a children’s home, but it’s also a school for the kids. So, we help out with the preschool kids, and in the kitchen before lunch. Then after lunch, they have this thing called Siesta time where we get to just sleep, and rest. (The kids sill have class.) And after that, guess what I get to teach!??! Haha… MATH! I’m teaching math to the grades 5 and 6’s. That’s been really interesting… cause I hate teaching so much. Pray for my patience. I need a translator when I teach, because the kids' english isn't very good. And since I'm better at hanging out with kids than teaching... we all know how kids respect me... (aka Awana... haha)There’s so much I want to share, but so hard to in such a short amount of time! Haha… but thanks for all the prayers! Just wanted to let you all know that things are going great. And we don’t have internet at the home… hence the internet café. I don’t know how often I can update you all, but I will try my best!Oh yesterday, we got to spend time with the kids while they had their devotion time! They have praise time before they do devotions! It was really cool, cause they sing all the songs we sing at home! They were singing One Way by Hillsongs! I totally want a chance to work with their praise team! I was so excited when they started singing last night! But on the other hand, it has been really frustrating because the kids don’t speak much English. So.. a lot of the time it’s been a lot of hand gestures and what not, trying to communicate with them. I wish I could understand what they’re saying! So pray for that language barrier please! Okay… so continue to pray for me. Oh, and pray that I will have the opportunity to go to Baguio city, because Pastor Wilson and sister Cora really want to take us there! That will be really cool! But that is all for now. Take care everyone! (And where are my sports updates guys!?!?!)Miss you all!

update #3

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I can’t believe that 3 weeks have passed, and I’m going back to HK next weekend! Seems like I’ve been here forever, but at the same time, feels like I just got here!

Let’s see, what’s happened this week. Oh, this week, we had a new schedule. Well, a slightly modified schedule. So instead of helping in the classroom for like 2 hours every morning, I go there for about an hour, and then I go clean up the library for about an hour. Which doesn’t take an hour, but we do odd jobs here and there. So far, I’ve cleaned the library (this is where my mopping skills come in handy!), washed tables, filled large canisters of water, folded some laundry… and other random things. Oh I got to fry tofu the other day… and the odour reminded me of nasty stinky tofu found on the streets of hk… so I don’t know about that stuff. But it was different, and better than mopping, so I didn’t mind.

Another change in our schedule is what we do after dinner. Before this week, we’ve been turning in after dinner every night, so we have no idea what the kids do after their devotion time. Now, we get to put the younger ones to bed, and hang around in the library to help the older ones with their assignments. So far, I’ve spent one night teaching them Now That You’re Near! (Go En Gedi!), and another night teaching kids from my math class how to find factors, and what makes a prime number. I think I’m giving up on teaching them about the prime numbers for now, and just going back to helping them memorize their multiplication table. I was getting a little ambitious.

The time in the library after dinner has totally been an answered prayer, because the night before our new schedules, I was just praying that I’ll have more opportunities to spend with the high school students. This is exactly what this provides. That’s been really fun, one being that they actually speak English, so I can have a real conversation with them, and two they’re all on the praise team, so I enjoy talking to them about praise songs, and singing with them!

I’m really glad that Jade is here to be my roommate. The whole sharing a room thing I’m not really used to, since I’m used to a whole house by myself… haha, but it’s been really good just being able to have someone to talk to, and share with, and pray with. She’s been a real blessing!

I’ve adjusted to the climate better, so my rash is gone, and my stomach doesn’t hurt anymore. Praise God, and thanks for your prayers! But I still can’t really sleep at nights. I usually sleep around 11, and wake up around 2 or 3… and lie there until 6. Haha… that gets kinda boring. Thank God for the discman! So, God is totally my strength everyday, because otherwise I don’t know where I find the energy to play with the kids!

The kids have really warmed up to us and it shows. They’re no longer shy around us, and usually when they see us, the younger ones will come running with a hug or a handshake, and the older ones usually say hi. The language is still a barrier, but the kids don’t seem to mind, and they just keep right on talking. I just wish I could understand what they were saying! I can understand “beautiful,” “good morning, afternoon, or evening,” and “how are you?” “I’m fine.” oh and “I love you” That is to the extent of how much me and the kids understand each other, but its great! I love hanging out with them. (Oh they did teach me a bad word the other day, and I kinda got in trouble with the staff.) But fellowshipping with them has been awesome!

It’s been somewhat of a slow week. Oh, we did go to the market this week, and as we were leaving, the tricycle wouldn’t start. Good thing, we were right by this basketball court. So all the guys there stopped playing to come help us push the tricycle and it started! Praise God that we weren’t stranded there… because the Children’s Home is actually, quite a ways from town.

Teaching has been frustrating, but I have one week left, and I think I’m just going to stick to working on the multiplication table with them, and trying to find ways to make that fun for them. Pray for that! So that God will show me new ideas! I’m getting to know the staff and the teachers better, so that’s been really nice. Oh the talk this week went okay. I had to talk about being considerate, from one Bible verse. I ended up tying it in with the story of the good Samaritan. Oh, and I had to share my testimony at prayer meeting last night. That was interesting. I have no idea if they understood me, even with the translation! I guess I’m just not coherent when I share my testimony… haha. Hopefully God was still able to use my stumbling over words to touch them.

So, we’re in the middle of Typhoon Esther right now. So lots of rain, which I don’t really mind, cause that means its less hot. But the kids are couped up all day, with nothing to do. So that’s bad for them.

But yes, I will cut myself short once again. There is just too much happening in one week to be able to tell it all in one sitting. So I will end off with these prayer requests:
- one of the teachers fell down the cement stairs the other day, and hurt her arm and her back, so pray for a quick recovery (she still has 4 boys to take care of, the youngest being 4)
- since it’s rainy season, it’s cooler, and always wet, so the kids get sick easily, so please continue to pray for their health
- pray for all the teachers at the school, because most of them not only teach, but also have school after classes let out for the kids
- pray for God’s providence (the Children’s home, is actually praying for a gym and a swimming pool for the kids. Esp the gym, so they have a place to play during rainy season)
- pray for the 2 girls coming next Sunday, and my going (pray for a safe and smooth transition)
- pray for my mom who’s leaving Canada for hk next Thursday! Pray for her safe travel.
- Otherwise, just for the whole ministry.

So, once again, thank-you for all your prayers! I don’t know if I’ll see a computer again before I head off to HK. So until next time.

update #2

Hey Everyone!

Wow, how time just flies! I’ve almost been here 2 weeks! So I guess, here I am with another update from the Philippines.

So… I’ve been teaching math every afternoon from 2 until 3. It’s been a crazy experience... haha, I guess those 6 years of working at Kumon are coming into use now! Trying to use those skills to help the kids learn multiplication and division with decimals. They’re getting better at multiplication, so now we’re working on division. Let’s just say, sometimes I have to fight the urge to not want to yell at them for counting their fingers! Cause when you’re trying to divide 56 into groups of 8… you don’t have enough fingers for that!!! And by the time you make enough ticks, you could have solved the question! But God has totally been providing patience, and I haven’t been mean to the kids yet!

Hmm… oh, last weekend, we took the kids to the beach. Half on Saturday, and the other half on Sunday. On Saturday, it was mainly the pre-school kids, and a couple of older ones to help take care of them. That was really fun! The kids were so excited! They weren’t suppose to go swimming, but they all ended up in the water anyways! And here’s the best part: I got to hang out with some of the high school students that were around. Since they go to school elsewhere, I don’t really get a chance to talk to them or anything. Sooooo… isn’t it amazing how a guitar can break the ice in any country? (Praise team I miss you!) Haha… but yah, the kids had a guitar… and they were singing songs that we normally sing, so I just joined in. I tried to teach them Now that You’re Near… but I couldn’t remember the chords… but before the end of the trip, I will teach it to them! But yes, now the high school kids just laugh at me everytime they see me. Oh, and that night, one of them (Mary-Ann) asked me if I wanted to help her lead worship for the kids’ devotion time! It was awesome! Praise God! (So answered prayer right there!) Beach on Sunday was about the same as it was on Saturday, but just with a different bunch of kids.

This morning, we got to go to the market. If you’ve ever been to a market in HK, you’ll know what I mean. They’re just missing the live chickens… or I just didn’t see any.

I’m starting to get to know the kids better, so they’re not so shy around me anymore. So that’s really fun! I’m learning more Tagalog, so the language barrier isn’t as bad as before. I can kinda understand them sometimes. Or they’re really good about teaching me new words, or trying to explain something through actions. But most of the time, it’s still just smiling, and playing with them. Well, playing games that don’t require talking anyways. Haha :) Jade taught them how to play thumb war, so they love to play that game!

So really, other than teaching, and helping to set up for lunch and dinner, there really isn’t much else I do around the children’s home. Sometimes, we travel around a little bit. We went to see the Volcano last week, and where their ministry was originally, before they moved to where they are now. (Because of the eruption in 1991.) And now they’ve rebuilt a church ontop of where the original church stood.

There is just way too much to squeeze onto one email. I’ve got lots of cool pictures that I can’t wait to show you guys and more stories to share! But things are going well, and I’m really enjoying everything! Thanks for all your prayers and encouragements! Write me and let me know how you guys are, and how I can pray for you. (Even though I don’t check my email very often.)

So, to finish off. A couple of things to pray for: my health (my stomach hasn’t been feeling well, it might be cause I’m not used to the food, or cause I’m still not sleeping very well. So pray for rest and better digestion or something. Haha) Another thing is that, someone asked me to do a talk for next week’s Chapel time for the kids. They haven’t said anything else about it, but if they still had that in mind, pray that God will give me the words and that He’ll be able to use me even though there is a language barrier. Pray that God will continue to open doors for me and all the people I come in contact with, and that He continues to use me to touch the people around me. :)

Until next time,

Cel :)

i'm off!

byebye! i'm off to the philippines!

see you all in 2 months! :)

thanks for all your guys' prayers and encouragements! you're the best!

wow... 664 students later... and like 50 billion pictures... and crazy blisters on my feet... university is truly over! i have my degree, and i have walked the stage, and shook the hands of important people at the u of a. 5 years of undergrad are finally over... and to show for that is my bachelor of science degree in mathematics and mathematical sciences!
i can't believe 5 years have gone by already! in 5 years, i've probably changed my mind like 5 times as to what i want to study. studied in almost every building there is at the university, taken almost every 100 level course that anyone can think of... met like a tonne of new friends in class... and now it's done. no more studying at rutherford, or "studying" in SUB... no more going upstairs of CAB to find my math/stat profs... no more travelling the pedways of ETLC and NREF... those were some good memories.
thanks for some crazy memories of the past 5 years! all the wasted time of walking around trying to figure out where to study. the all nighters that were pulled... or just THE ONE.... haha. crazy nasty stat assignments that require us to be in GSB for hours and days on end. well... i think all the crazy stupid memories are from the last 3 years. but good they were, and i probably won't ever forget! thanks for making it all so memorable!
i still can't believe that it's come to an end. now that it's over, i kinda wish that it wasn't. haha.. no... i'm glad school is over... no more assignments.... no more EXAMS! haha... praise God! because without Him watching over me, i probably wouldn't have made it! :)

if you're happy and you know it...

CLAP YOUR HANDS! (of course)

i am so happy right now! why? because God is awesome, and because of Him, i feel completely loved! a year ago, i never would have thought that i could feel this happy or free! the dark cloud that used to hang over my head no longer hangs there. the baggage that i carried is no longer on my back. God has broken through the dark clouds with His warmth, and He's taken my baggage for me!
why do i need to be anxious when God is in charge of everything for me? i don't! but letting go is the hard part. God had to chase me around for years before i would listen and let go and let Him take over. to let Him take my hand and lead me to where He wanted me to be. God had to go to great lengths to bring me back to where He wanted me to be. i had to learn the biggest lesson of my life before i would realize just how much i needed to let go. i had to loose everything before i learned that God was all that i needed.
in a couple more days, i will be in the philippines. i don't know why He's decided to send me there, but i'm sure that whatever the reason He has, it will be perfect for me! i'm excited to see how He's going to use me there. in a country where i'm apparently a popular target for kidnap... EEK! that's ok, i know that He'll take good care of me overseas. i know with certainty that i am suppose to go on this missions. regardless of where He had sent me, i am suppose to be on missions, and that is all that is important at the moment. it doesn't matter why i'm going there, the important thing is that i'm doing God's work, and i'm following His will for my life. i know that i need to do this for God, and for myself. if not these past couple months, i would not have been able to see just how God takes care of ALL the little details.
thanks for telling me that you've seen a difference. that has been the biggest encouragement that anyone could have given in the last little while. to know that the choice i made a year ago was not in vain. that i did not go through all the pain and trials to find myself in the same place. to see that God is real, and that He really does answer prayers. i know now that because of everything i've come out stronger. i'm no longer bitter, and slowly i'm learning to take down the wall around my heart, and to let others in. i no longer demand God for revenge. it no longer matters. what does matter is that i'm happy now. what matters now is that i've followed God, and He's leading to the philippines!

one last week...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm leaving for the Philippines in ONE week! Ok so praise items of this past week:
~ i FINALLY got my visa... it's kinda a funny story (just ask if you want to know)
~ i got all my shots and meds (don't play ball after getting needles...)
~ my dad and grandma got here safe and sound!
Thank-you soooo much to everyone who was praying for me, and thanks for the encouragement! I seriously was starting to freak out about that visa thing! But... it's just the packing, and the travelling left now pretty much. Well... I guess I still have to convocate on tuesday too. Oh, and I still need prayer support and financial support still. (haha... can't have enough prayer, right?)
Everytime I turn around and see how far God has carried me, and how much He has been providing for me, I can't help by be in complete awe of just how amazing God is! If it wasn't for Him, none of this would have been possible! I would not be going to the Philippines. I think this past week, in the midst of DOING everything, I've forgotten the REASON, and my FOCUS for everything. So, as things wind down, and I start packing, I need to get back into the Word, and get back to praying. Because, that is the only way I will be prepared. I can always do without certain items if I forget to pack them, but I cannot do without God!

*side note* if i EVER get the stupid idea of reformatting my comp and putting linux on it ever again, please slap me in the head or something! after a week of stupidity... i've realized that windows is my friend. :P

overwhelmed...

as i sit and think of everything that has fallen into place so nicely, i feel completely overwhelmed! what am i doing? am i doing the right thing? am i really suppose to go to the philippines? was it all in God's will for me, or was that all just in my head? why the philippines? why not elsewhere? maybe i was suppose to be elsewhere! the more overwhelmed i am, the more i wonder and the more i doubt.
in little over 2 weeks, i'm going to jump on a plane and go to the philippines! without prayer, none of this would have been possible! if it wasn't for God, i would never have had the courage to step up and answer this calling. i probably would have just tried harder to find a job, and started working. without God, the impossible would not have been made possible.
but in the midst of all the excitment of travelling overseas for missions, and being in awe of God's amazing power, i have to admit that i am a little sad. i'm sad that i've had to put everything on hold for this trip. i'm sad at what had to given up in order to make this possible. i'm only human, and i can't help wanting a job, and wanting to make money so i can start that comfortable lifestyle of a young professional. when i think in a worldly perspective, i can't help but want the things of the world, but when you think from God's perspective, those things once again become meaningless.
as the date of departure becomes closer and closer, i feel my nerves starting to kick in. i'm starting to get nervous. and feeling the need for prayer. prayer for all the preparations that still need to be done. prayer that i stay focused on God and that i continue to equip myself daily. prayer that God will calm my nerves.

rain, rain, go away...

~spring is here~
I know spring is here
Because I see the green grass
And the white pussy willows
I love the grass
It feels like pillows
I love the blossoms on the tree
And the time of spring
For you and me

haha, we wrote rain poems in grade 2, and then we compiled all of them together to make a book of rain poems. except, my english was so bad back then that my rain poem sucked, so my teacher had me use my spring poem instead. don't laugh too hard, but yes, i wrote that poem when i was in grade 2. ahh... oh how we all loved the rain when we were little. all the poems are about splashing around in the rain.
... that was my trip down memory lane.
anyways, so in the past weekend, it rained friday, saturday, monday, tuesday. and do you know how many times i got caught in the rain? 3 out of the 4 days! on friday when we came out from watching munich, it was POURING! so i had to run all the way to my car... getting wet in the process. saturday we needed to walk from murietta's to julio's on whyte ave. and of course, we had to finish dinner when it was raining the hardest! why we walked in the rain instead of taking the car, i have no idea! but i was SOAKED from head to toe! my pants were still wet when i got home!!! tuesday, when i came out of the clinic, it was raining. at least it wasn't raining hard, so i didn't get too wet on the way to the car. when we left costco, it wasn't raining, but by the time we got back to millwoods, it was raining harder. but that's ok, moving from car to car in the rain was nothing. but then when i came out from safeway, it started pouring buckets! but that wasn't even the worse part! the worse part was that i couldn't find my car!!!! so here i was running around the parking lot trying to find my car, while getting soaked in the mean time. by the time i found my car, i was pretty wet.
it's not so much that i don't like rain, because i love rain. i love being in the rain... and well, i love playing in the rain. (although everytime i say that, people give me funny looks.) i just don't like the feeling of sitting in wet clothes afterwards. maybe that's why i walked down whyte when it was raining so hard. it was just an excuse to be in the rain, and get wet. i've been wanting to stand in the rain for that long for awhile... and now i've finally done it! "let the rain fall down..." oops... that's Hilary Duff. but yes, the rain feels nice and refreshing. fun times in the rain.

mission: confirmed

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matt 6:33-34

if you were to tell me exactly one year ago that God will answer all my prayers and give me the desires of my heart i would have probably responded in one of two ways: a) laughed at you and told you no way! or b) tuned you out, while still giving you my "just smile and nod." there was no way that i'd believe that God would provide for me in all the ways He has provided for me in the past little while. i lived on the edge and i fell. at the bottom i wanted to give up, the climb up looked absolutely impossible! but i guess once again, God has shown that nothing is impossible with Him. everytime i got tired and didn't want to climb anymore, He provided rest and shelter, or He would just carry me. everytime i started to slip, He was right there holding out His hand, ready to pull me back up.
well God's answered my prayers, and has provided yet again. i've been officially accepted to go on my missions trip to the Philippines. i will leave in a month and be there for about a month. i am in complete of awe of God at the moment, because my answered prayers have surpassed my wildest imaginations! at first i was worried about what i would do between now and until mid July when i was expecting to leave for missions. then i wanted to stay longer and i didn't know if i would be able to. and then i knew that my relatives all really wanted to see me this summer, and with missions being smack dab in the middle of July, just when would i have time to stop by hk and come back to find a job (which is another worry all in itself.) so now i'm leaving a couple days after convocation, spending almost a month there, and there will be time to spend in hk, and be back before the end of august if i really want.
to add on top of what was already an awesome day, i have an interview for a job next week (we'll see what happens this time, i still can't start right away), and the OILERS WON! and we got to join in the celebrations on whyte ave when it happened! ("When has Edmonton ever been so friendly?")
i realize that lately i might have been sounding like a crazy bible-thumping-live-in-a-bubble-church-going-rule-keeping kinda girl. haha, please don't be mislead at all! i am in no way any of those things. well, i do go to church, but i don't bible thump, and i most certainly do not live in a bubble. in some ways, i may have seen more of the world, and broken more rules than you think. BUT i love God, and He has become the driving force of my life. without Him, i would not be where i am today, and therefore i am simply grateful for everything He has done for me.
so... I AM GOING TO THE PHILIPPINES...
and did i mention THE OILERS WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

old for new

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone; the new has come!" ~II Corinthians 5:17

have u ever heard the story of the Ragman? (read it!)

it was a story that i came across when i was going through my hard time awhile back. but for some reason, it's a story and verse that's sitting heavy on my heart right now. i feel God tugging at my heart to tell you that the past no longer matters because Christ has already taken it away. you have made a decision to run this race marked out for you by God. who runs a race looking backwards all the time?! we all know that to run a race properly we must face forwards, towards the end!
i'm not proud of my past, but i gave it all over to God, and he's given me a new life. i'm willing to make the choice to forget the old and to take on the new. the old was of my sinful nature while my new life is in Christ, so why hesitate? you may think that your past is too horrible, but maybe i will understand better than you know. maybe i will understand because i have been there too. but it's not my job to understand, that's God's job. He knows better than anyone else what we go through and what makes us tick. if it doesn't matter to God, why should it matter to anyone else? what is more important? what God thinks or what other people think?
let go and let God! when you let God take the driver seat of your life, He will open doors that you never thought possible. He will bring blessings that you never thought you could have! He will answer prayers in ways you could not have ever imagined! but in order to see the full power of God, you have to let go of yourself. God can't give you the new and better things, if you do not let go of the old things. don't be content with what you have now. let God give you what you could not even have thought for yourself!
i keep feeling God's tugging on my heart to let the old go and to receive the new. do you feel the same tugging? if you do, i hope you give God a chance or else you might miss out on His amazing blessings. let go and let God lead you. follow Him because He will never lead you towards harm, but only towards His wonderful plan for your life! i can say that because i decided to hang on for too long, i've missed out on a lot. but now, i'm making the choice to let go and move on. i'm giving God a chance to make my life what He wants it to be, to do what He wants me to be. because He's taken over, i trust that all He places in my life is good. i see that all my answered prayers have been in ways i could never have imagined for myself!

i've let go, the question is: can you?

one word: bebot

for everyone who has not seen the video, and that msn thingy don't work... so here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLUdlWaC8I

enjoy!

running my race...

i can't believe that LS spring retreat 2006 has come and gone already! amazing weekend. when God works, God truly works. first of all, having a lady speaker was the best thing ever! it's nice to hear talks from a female perspective instead of always hearing things from the male perspective. it touched at a whole new level that a male speaker would never be able to reach with us girls. although parts of her talks were huge kicks in the butt for me, they were good kicks. maybe a little too much relationship talk for my liking... but maybe god's trying to tell me something. haha
i loved how she talked about suffering and put her own experience of suffering into it. to share something so new, so fresh, and still a bleeding wound takes a lot of guts. its women like her that make me ashamed of myself for always hiding myself in the corner to nurse my wounds by myself. always keeping my most inner thoughts to myself, the most sensitive feelings inside where no one will ever see them. i told myself that i wasn't going to break out the water works this year at camp... but God completely stripped me of my pride and brought me to tears once again. (i guess i'm not dead on the inside after all!)
i don't even know how to describe just how wonderful God has been! He stripped me down to tears, but at the same time, He knew exactly what to bring to restore hope, and a smile on to my face. yes, they were tears of pain, of regret, and of shame, but he turned my mourning into joy. this weekend He's made me realize that i can no longer dwell on the past, but it's time that i moved on and accept His grace. there's no more need to stay in my suffering because He has called me from it. it i continue to dwell and buy into satan's lies that God will never forgive me, then it'll eventually cause me to walk away from this race. and i refuse to be the soil filled with thorns, where i'll turn my back on God when hardships hit. i choose to be the good fertile soil that will produce fruit.
God's filled my life with so many blessings, he keeps answering prayer after prayer in such big and unimaginable ways! He keeps filling my days with amazing blessings that i couldn't ever have imagined. I traded my sorrows and pains for the joy of the Lord. this is true genuine joy. not that plastered smile that i've been carrying around for so long, but a real one that comes from my heart. He's picked up the broken pieces of my heart and sewed them back together. He's stiched up my wounds and caused them to heal, He's stopped the bleeding and cleaned out the infection. so now, once again, i am able to stand up and run this race with my head held high.
it's been a hard year, but i made it! there are a few scratches here and there, but i'm still standing. thanks for all the prayers, encouragements, hugs, and listening ears! couldn't have done it without any of you, and most of all God! thanks for everyone who stepped in when it seemed the whole world had gone out!

it is finished!

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LAST FINAL EXAM HAS BEEN WRITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM DONE UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i need to concentrate on studying for FM in may.
oh application for missions is in. so once everything gets processed and they give me the a-ok, i'm off to the philippines for 2 weeks in july. haha... no more china. still an orphanage though, just in philippines instead of in china. i'm getting so excited for that!
PRAISE GOD!
LIFE IS AWESOME!
I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

That is one of my favourite verses of all time. It is my constant reminder that I can't do things on my own, or in my own way. I have to trust in the Lord, and trust that He is leading me in the right direction. How hard that is to grasp in the midst of final exams! 2 exams today... and 2 more left next week. I have never been so terrified of failing in my entire life. Before, it's always been... oh, well if things go badly, it's okay. But now, it will determine whether or not I can graduate or not!!! In the midst of my fears, I always forget to trust in God. I always rely on my own strength, and rely on my own efforts. But if I do no live according to God's will, then there's no purpose to my life. If I do not follow his calling, then I will wander aimlessly, and life will never be fulfilling in the way that He wants my life to be.
If I lean on my own understanding, I will most certainly fail in everything. If I do not depend on God, then I will surely fall into sin, and ultimately death. Only through God's grace and mercy can I live a new life that was bought for me by Jesus' blood on the cross. How can that no be motivation to do the right thing? But I know and understand that we are human. We all have our own temptations, and we all have our own private sins that we deal with in our own hearts. I also know that if do not rely on God's forgiveness and accept it, we will never repend truly, and we are never truly free. Trying to defeat closet monsters in your own life by yourself is never easy, and you will almost always fail. We were designed for fellowship with one another, and with Christ. Therefore, only through accountability through brothers and sisters in Christ and a relationship with Christ are we able to stand up to the things in our lives that tries to pull us down.
Exams are a hard time for anyone. Lack of sleep, (and lack of food for some) cause us all to be cranky, and hard to deal with. The stress from studying and the desire to do well cause us to be more high strung than normal, but don't lose sight of Christ in all this chaos. Focus on God even in the midst of your studies! Don't let the things of this world tear you away from the unconditional love that is found only in our heavenly Father.

true reflection...

ever looked in the mirror and not recognize the person starring back at you? ever not been able to face your own reflection because of the shame of what you have become? ever shut someone out because you don't like what they have to say? ever put down a book because the words pierced way too deep into your heart? ever cried your eyes out during a movie because the story hit too close to home? i guess its all a part of life, a part of growing up.
ever wish there were words you could take back? ever wish that there were words you would've said instead? ever wish there were things you'd never done? ever wish that you'd made a different choice? ever wish you could forget certain memories?
the past is the past, and none of us can go back in time to change anything. the only thing we can do is look ahead and continue living life as best as we could. i wish i could make you see what i have seen, and feel what i have felt. do you understand that you've let me down? i expected more from you, i expected better. but maybe you're not any better, and i was just living in my own lies.
we're all human, we all make mistakes. if we all hang on to every grudge, every resentment, every wrong that has been done to us, then life would be bitter. of course its much easier said than done. to truly let go takes a lot of self discipline. prayer does make it easier, but the prayer must come from your heart and not just performing lip service. people will always let us down, but God never will...
i'm not good at holding a grudge, but i'm not good at forgetting. it's not the people i hate, but the events themselves.

STOP.

please no more mind games. i don't think i can handle it. i know i said that i was fine, but truth be told, i don't think i am anymore. i was happy, genuinely happy, why couldn't you just leave me that way? why did you have to trample on my dreams? why did you have to turn everything upside down again?
i thought i could do this, but i can't. i can't pretend like everything is fine, there i said it, and i'm sorry. i was confident and secure, but now all the insecurities seem to have come back over night. i thought it was all over. but maybe it is, maybe i won't crumble. god, you won't let me fall, right? you have a reason for doing all this right?
i want to demand a reason, but i know i should not. i want to yell curses at you, but i know that it is wrong. i know it is only because i have placed my trust in you that trials became harder.
i'm scared... so please don't let go, not yet. i still need you to hold me a little longer. in the safety of your hand where you will protect me.
god, i'm terrified.

let the ball start running...

a little while back, i started feeling this tug in my heart for missions. as most people would agree, i'm quite a spoiled little girl. then i go to thinking that, i'm so fortunate for a reason, and i started to feel this passion to reach out to those who are less fortunate. to give up the comforts of home, and travel to where ever it is that God may call me to, and do to His wonderful work. so after much thought, and prayer, i finally decided to start talking to people about these crazy ideas that had started to form in my head. well, not crazy, but just these ideas. they didn't laugh at me, so that was a good sign, but encouraged me to really look into it, and to continue to pray about it.
this is the part where the story starts to get crazy. a couple weeks just before missions fest, i finally decided that i needed to go on missions this summer. when i decided this, it was still more like lip service, and i had the the attitude that "well, if someone were to fall into my lap God, then for sure, i'll go!" but i wasn't about to put any effort into looking things up, and finding a missions trip. then started the 3 weeks of mission sermons, to which one main thing stuck out: "if you've been called, you better get off you bum and go!" so finally, i couldn't turn off that voice in my head no longer, i couldn't ignore that tugging on my heart anymore, i had to do something about this. so, i got off my lazy bum and went to missions fest to check out the booths, to see if i could find any mission trips to go on. at the first booth i stopped at, the man just started talking to me, and then he started to pray for me, right then and there! that was scary! but i think it only comfirmed the calling even more.
after that, i went home and thought long and hard about missions. i decided, it didn't matter where He called me to, i will go. then i had this idea that i really wanted to go on missions to help at an orphanage or something. the very next morning, i ran into YY at church and started talking to her about missions and about the orphanage idea. to which she tells me she has a friend in China who is actually working in an orphanage and that she was planning to visit her this summer! so she agreed to talk to her friend for me and see of there was anyhing i could do there.
next i go talk to uncle charles about it... i found nothing about orphanges at missions fest, but he did. he ended up bumping into a man, who runs orphanages in China.
i finally pushed my fears aside, and got into contact with him, and he's replied with several ways in which i can get involved with orphanages in China. so the ball has started rolling, and there's no way to back out now. if all things work out, i could be heading there in a couple of months.
this all started with a hunch that i should go on missions. and now... all of these things are just... coming together in such a strange way that there is no denying that God is behind it all.
(the story sounds a lot more exciting in person.)
God is amazing. He alone started this whole thing, and I have faith that He's going to take me all the way through until the end. He got me through the last 5 years of school, the least i could do is give this small amount of time back to Him. so i will put my career pursuit on hold, and pursue first the passion that God has placed in my heart. i trust that He'll take care of everything, even provide me with a job after all this, if it's His plan for me. :)

like being run over by a truck...

maybe it was because i actually ran into someone on the court while playing basketball tonight... oops. no, just joking, that was more like running into a wall.

never sweep things under the rug and pretend like they're forgotten. it never works. in the end, it simply comes back to haunt you 10 times worse than before. or maybe simply, it was never swept under the rug at all. simply put into the shadowy corners of my life, just outta sight so as not to be significant, but in sight enough to not let you forget. sometimes, memories just seem to have a life of its own. when you least expect it, it'll hit you so hard, its like being hit by a truck. the overwhelming feeling of forgotten memories rushing into your mind. i thought i would faint on the court. (never good to be in a daze when playing ball... hence bad things happen.)
broken promises, misplaced trust, broken relationship, hurt feelings, angry words, hurting words, unforgiveness, hatred, tears, nausea, pain, lost, grief, loneliness, lost dreams... then it hit me full force, the truth. the forgiveness has been given, but i still long for the words "i'm sorry." i gave God my anger, my pain, my hatred, i traded it all for His peace, joy, and love. i handed Him my unforgiving heart, and in return He gave me one filled with forgiveness. but my pride tugs at my heart. i want "i'm sorry." that is all. knowledge and understanding that the pain was real, that the memories are real. i'm tired of feeling like it was all my fault. just release me, please.
today the memories haunt. not the good ones, but the bad ones. i don't hope that the memories haunt you, because you wouldn't understand, you don't have those memories, you were never there...
i want "i'm sorry," because you were never there...
the truth: you were never there...
it hit me like a truck at full speed.

untitled

~i said i'd finish the song, and i did.~

Late at night
When all the world is sleeping
I lie awake
And I think of all You've done
How you took away my sins
By Your grace and Your mercy
You washed me white as snow
And called me Your own

So I cry
Adonai of all the earth I praise You
Adonai of all the earth I praise You

tinted lenses

do not sit there with your tinted lenses on and pass judgement on me. do not compare me to yourself and tell me that you are better than me. what gives you the right to tell me what it is that you think i need? who are you to tell me that my life is worthless? just because you have never seen the things i have seen, or done the things i have done does not make you better than me. just because you don't understand does not make it wrong.
all people behind their tinted lenses see is that we are unworthy, we are not like the others. you do not have to condemn us just because we have made poor choices in the past. do not look at me like i am a criminal! i am not a maniac, and i definitely am not crazy! i do not need psychiatric help, i do not need drugs. i do not need your judegement, or your so-called advice.
those tinted lenses have got you thinking that you're perfect, that you're better than people like me. they make you believe that we need YOU to "save" us. they make you believe that it is your job to jam bible scripture down our throats, and tell us where we do not measure up.
well, here's my advice for you. take off those tinted lenses and see us as we are. we are humans just like you. we are all made in God's image, just like you. maybe this way, you'll see the hurt in our eyes, the hopelessness in your actions, the cry for love in our tears. maybe if you saw us for the humans we are, you'll realize that you are no better than we are, and that judgement and condemnation will not help.
i'm not interested in having bible verses thrown at me, i could throw another bunch right back at you. but i choose not to. i'll admit that i'm imperfect, and that i am only human. i realize that i will never be perfect, but it is not your books that i need to measure up to, but to God's. He knows the guilt and the shame i feel. He knows the about the regret, He knows and understand that i am only human, but yet he still showers me with love.
i don't know. maybe you don't understand, the pain, or the regret, but that's not your job to understand. it is not sympathy i seek, but true fellowship, and love. i don't need judgement or advice, you simply need to take off those tinted lenses and listen with your heart, and treat me as a human being created equal to you in God's image, JUST LIKE YOU....

happy reading week!

happy reading to everyone's who's reading weeks have ACTUALLY started. as for me, who should be enjoying my last reading week ever... i'm stuck studying for my SOA exam on tuesday! what a way to spend my long weekend. instead of spending the family long weekend on the annual ski trip boarding at Marmot... i will continue to spend my days and nights in the wonderful buildings of ETLC or NREF studying! do i ever leave those buildings? haha... doesn't seem like i ever do!
well, to those who DO get to spend this wonderful weekend in the mountains, do play safe! and enjoy... haha don't miss me too much! j/k
but honestly, i'm terrified for this exam! haha, i joke and complain about it being during reading week. haha... but this exam will be determine whether i can start applying for jobs, and let me know if this is the right career choice for me! so really, i'm scared! i want to do well, i REALLY want to pass! i truly believe that God's placed this in my life for a reason, and i just feel that this is what i'm suppose to be doing. he didn't make me do a 180 degree turn from natural sciences to land myself in mathematica & statistical sciences for no reason, and i believe that with every ounce of me.
and given how un-wonderfully i have been doing on my midterms this week... i'm scared it'll reflect onto this exam! ahhhhhhhhhhh.... countdown is 3 days... and i have about 200 practice questions i need to get through before then. and about a billion distribution fomulas to cram into my head!!! so lovely ppl who read my blog, please pray for me! pray for peace, and pray for the discipline to study while everyone else is off playing! please and thanks! i love u all!

who am i?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
You have told me who I am
I am Yours

~we are nothing if not for God. none of us can say we are better than others, nor can any of us say we are nothing in comparison to everyone else. if He has called you, you better step up, and if He hasn't called you, then you better re-evaluate what you're doing. strong sermon, strong song.~

define family of God please...

when u hear the words family of God, what is it that u think about? let's back track, what do u think of when you hear the word family? do u think of love, kindness, caring, sharing, etc? most people would. despite the popular belief people hold that their family's "weird" deep down you know that you'll be there for each other no matter what happened. no matter what happens, your family will always have you back, and no matter what happens, you can always run there to hide, to rest, to be encouraged, etc.
now compare this to a the family of God? should it not also be a place where we will feel love, kindness, caring, etc? should it not be a place where we can run to if we feel like there is no where else to go? should it not be a place where you know people will be there for you no matter what happens? should it not be like this and better? a place where even those who have never felt the love of family can feel loved and accepted? considering that Jesus prayed that people will know who we are by the love we have for one another, should this not be a place where love constantly flows out?
can someone please tell me why there is so much hostility between brothers and sisters in Christ? can someone please explain why they hold grudges against each other? we sit there on suday and say the words "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us," but do we mean the words? how can u pray for forgiveness if you dont' really want to forgive? why are we so quick to condemn and reprimand, but so slow to acceptance? how can so many ppl walk around church with hurt feelings because of what another brother or sister in Christ did? why would any non-christian want to be a part of this?
do you know the extent of God's grace and mercy? do you understand just how far that goes? no one sin is greater than another, therefore, who are any of us to judge what another has done? if you truly understand just now unperfect and sinful we all are, how can you not extend this grace and mercy to everyone you meet? having understood the vastness of God's forgiveness, how can you hold that for yourself and not forgive others who have wronged you?
holding a grudge is tiring, being angry is tiring, it's all very pointless. cutting down others will not make you better than them. forgiveness is hard, but is a must if we are to love God with our whole hearts. eventually it'll bring a peace, which takes over the anger. what's better to brew in your heart? God's love, or anger? it's your choice.

me = scatterbrain

ok... so in the past 3 weeks, i've almost lost my gloves 3 different times! i almost lost them at brewsters, but thanks to my brother who went later and found it for me. i almost lost them at the theatre when we went to see brokeback mountain, but thanks to the lady who found them! and then yesterday i almost left them at church after bball. good thing, i saw them sitting there on my way out. but then i was driving home and i had to turn around because i thought i left my water bottle at church, but in reality, it was just in my trunk! so i turned around for nothing!
today, i went to ask my prof for help on my hw. i honestly don't think i have ever done that before, ever!!! so, i went to ask him for help... to which i recieved a hint... and when i went to look up the part of the notes, i realized that the answer was there all along... and i just didn't see it! and then there was this other question, where i had to derive the stinkin' wave equation, taking into consideration the effects of gravity. i asked every engineer i saw, haha, cause they said they took a course that was almost the same, and they did the same thing. but in reality, when i threw in that gravity part, no one could help me! and then it hit me... all my physics 30 came and hit me like a brick wall, and i think i finally figured out how to incorporate stinkin' gravity into the stupid fomula!
i keep leaving books i need at school, and bringing home the ones i don't need! oh and the most scatterbrain part of me is that i have all these bruises up and down the back of my right leg... and i seriously don't think i know where half of them came from! and the bruise on my ankle?!?! what the?!?! yah... so either i'm kicking the wall in my sleep... (but why would the bruises be on the back of my leg?) or else I have tendencies to fall outta bed in the middle of the night, but manage to climb back into bed before i wake up, therefore, i have no recollection of falling out of bed! both of these theories are pretty far fetched, so it's probably just me walking into things, or ramming into things when i'm half awake, and then not remembering!
i'm sure, i almost lost lots of other stuff... but i just can't remember right now... haha :P

surprise!

there are these things that i call little surprises from God. they come when you least expect them, but they always come at just the right time. whatever do i mean? well, let me explain. a little surprise from god would be like... say you were having a bad day, and nothing seems to be going your way, you jump in your car and turn on the radio, and your favourite song pops on... that's a surprise from god. i think most people like to call these things coincidences.
god loves to bring in things when you've just about given up hope, and when nothing seems to be going right, or you're just plain feeling down. it's like the break in the clouds to stop the rain!
i ran into an old friend from work today. she is seriously the kindest, nicest, sweetest person ever! she honestly just radiates God's love. i met her, and she was just so amazingly open, and her passion for life just seems to overflow from her! so, running into her and just being able to catch up with her was awesome! for some reason, she answered some questions that i've been wondering for the past little while. i guess in a way, she was just an answered prayer.
oh, i got an encouragement card this past weekend. it wasn't signed, so i have no idea who it's from, but it was really nice. (thanks to whoever it was!) but they were just the right words that i needed to hear. god's answering prayers in big ways! just when i thought that perseverence was running a little low... there was the encouragement to keep going... wow... i'm telling you, only god can have timing like that!
little messages, phone calls, emails from all over which have all been little surprises from God at just the right time... he just knows what to bring at just the right time. there is no doubt in my mind that he cares about me. i honestly don't believe that things happen by coincidence, everything is according to his good and perfect will.

the clock is a-ticking...

ahh... and yet another year of my life has come and gone... and i find myself a year older once again. i think by far, this would be the best birthday ever! thanks for everyone who came out and made it so memorable!!! honestly, i would've just stayed home and watched tv all night by myself or something...

so never to the point of throwing up and not remembering anything the next day, always to the point where my head is spinning and there is a pounding headache. of course, the fun comes before hitting the part of the night. it always starts with the non-stop smiling. i will start having this grin on my face... because i'm obviously feeling good, and i'm happy, and honestly, i was feeling happy! and it only gets funner from there, because the volume control starts going, and i start yelling and believing that i'm using my "indoor" voice. and then comes the none-sense ramble where i will say anything and everything that comes to my mind. haha... but not to the point where the secretses start coming out. mind you, there are no secretses because everyone already knows. *shrug* oh well.

i remember yelling into my phone a lot, and asking the question "who is this?!?!" and yelling "don't lie to me!!!" many times. i remember someone pretending to be someone that wasn't very nice... worse point of the night... so boo to you! and yes i remember! oh well, not going to let things like that ruin my night. bring it!

the cake was so pretty, and then they brought out this huge pizza knife for me to cut the cake with. at this time, everyone saw me holding a big knife and decided to move meters away from me, just in case. but it was good cake. and then the guy from the kitchen actually ended up coming out to help me cut the cake! haha... good times. we shared the cake with those ppl at bp's. who's allergic to oranges?!?! well, too bad, you missed out on some good cake!

who was feeding me random thoughts while i was in a daze?!?! cause i came home with all these random thoughts of ppl telling me to rethink something?!?! what were you ppl trying to brainwash me with?!?! that, and putting tobasco sauce in my drink while i went to the bathroom!?! even though i couldn't taste it... still!!!! this is why you got no shirt! haha... maybe next time, we'll ask the waiter for it. haha... i still got that free shot, so i'm content!

yay! i feel so happy and loved! thanks for the lovin', i love you all mans!!!!!

ahh... let me out!

ok.... so i was registered for this math class... math 337... and i found out that it's suppose to be real hard... which means i shouldn't be taking it. esp if no one else i know is taking this course! ahhh... but i needed a 300 level course, and this was the only one i had the pre-req's for! and then someone said that if i switch to a mathematical science major, then my higher level stat will count and i'll be able to drop it. so after my first 337 class i bolted to see the advisor... and this is what she says: NO! because i declared stats as a minor, all stats courses must stay within that category... so there's no way out. it's either a 300 level math class, or a 300 level computer class!!! considering how 'wonderful' i did in 115... there was no way i'd consider taking another cmput class ever again! and since i don't want to/ can not get into any other math class... 337 it is!
on the otherhand... i've finally found a way to make my degree a double major, instead of just a major and a minor. haha... it just sounds really study... a double major in.... math... and.... math.... it's suppose to be mathematics and mathematical sciences. *sigh* if i sounded like a geek before... i sound like an even bigger one now!
ahhhh.... i want out of this class so bad... but i guess there is no way out. i'm doomed to be in this class.... so if you see me angry... and ready to start throwing my textbook, its cause i'm working on 337 homework! so... stay far away... unless you want to be hit by my 200 pds calculus textbook!

another year passes...

wow... happy new years! i honestly cannot believe that another year has gone by... and that my 3 weeks holiday is almost over... and soon it will be back to my late nights of studying on campus... which must start on the first week if i am to be ready for soa in february!!!!
as sad as it is that another year has come and gone, it's also very exciting that a new year is beginning... not to mention i'm getting older in another week or so... *sigh* nooooooooooooo i'm getting old! haha... but not old enough that i can't go out and have some fun. *wink*
the one word to describe this past year is "trying" and the one thing about God i've learned is "grace." and only through the trials was i able to come a deeper meaning of grace. grace is receiving something we do not deserve.

"what once was hurt
what once was friction
what left a mark
no longer stings
because grace makes beauty
out of ugly things" ~Grace by U2

it is through grace that no matter how ugly the past, we are made new, and we become children of god. nothing is more beautiful than the unconditional love that god has for us. as bad and as hard as this past year has been, i don't think i'd go back to change any one part of it. there is no use in asking those "what if" questions, and there is no use in dwelling on regret. what has happened has already past, and the only thing anyone can do is to hold their head up high and keeping walking forward.
the future is uncertain, but one thing is certain, and that is god's hand in my life. i need only to cling to what is certain, and that which is uncertain will slowly back itself clear.