mission: confirmed

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matt 6:33-34

if you were to tell me exactly one year ago that God will answer all my prayers and give me the desires of my heart i would have probably responded in one of two ways: a) laughed at you and told you no way! or b) tuned you out, while still giving you my "just smile and nod." there was no way that i'd believe that God would provide for me in all the ways He has provided for me in the past little while. i lived on the edge and i fell. at the bottom i wanted to give up, the climb up looked absolutely impossible! but i guess once again, God has shown that nothing is impossible with Him. everytime i got tired and didn't want to climb anymore, He provided rest and shelter, or He would just carry me. everytime i started to slip, He was right there holding out His hand, ready to pull me back up.
well God's answered my prayers, and has provided yet again. i've been officially accepted to go on my missions trip to the Philippines. i will leave in a month and be there for about a month. i am in complete of awe of God at the moment, because my answered prayers have surpassed my wildest imaginations! at first i was worried about what i would do between now and until mid July when i was expecting to leave for missions. then i wanted to stay longer and i didn't know if i would be able to. and then i knew that my relatives all really wanted to see me this summer, and with missions being smack dab in the middle of July, just when would i have time to stop by hk and come back to find a job (which is another worry all in itself.) so now i'm leaving a couple days after convocation, spending almost a month there, and there will be time to spend in hk, and be back before the end of august if i really want.
to add on top of what was already an awesome day, i have an interview for a job next week (we'll see what happens this time, i still can't start right away), and the OILERS WON! and we got to join in the celebrations on whyte ave when it happened! ("When has Edmonton ever been so friendly?")
i realize that lately i might have been sounding like a crazy bible-thumping-live-in-a-bubble-church-going-rule-keeping kinda girl. haha, please don't be mislead at all! i am in no way any of those things. well, i do go to church, but i don't bible thump, and i most certainly do not live in a bubble. in some ways, i may have seen more of the world, and broken more rules than you think. BUT i love God, and He has become the driving force of my life. without Him, i would not be where i am today, and therefore i am simply grateful for everything He has done for me.
so... I AM GOING TO THE PHILIPPINES...
and did i mention THE OILERS WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

old for new

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone; the new has come!" ~II Corinthians 5:17

have u ever heard the story of the Ragman? (read it!)

it was a story that i came across when i was going through my hard time awhile back. but for some reason, it's a story and verse that's sitting heavy on my heart right now. i feel God tugging at my heart to tell you that the past no longer matters because Christ has already taken it away. you have made a decision to run this race marked out for you by God. who runs a race looking backwards all the time?! we all know that to run a race properly we must face forwards, towards the end!
i'm not proud of my past, but i gave it all over to God, and he's given me a new life. i'm willing to make the choice to forget the old and to take on the new. the old was of my sinful nature while my new life is in Christ, so why hesitate? you may think that your past is too horrible, but maybe i will understand better than you know. maybe i will understand because i have been there too. but it's not my job to understand, that's God's job. He knows better than anyone else what we go through and what makes us tick. if it doesn't matter to God, why should it matter to anyone else? what is more important? what God thinks or what other people think?
let go and let God! when you let God take the driver seat of your life, He will open doors that you never thought possible. He will bring blessings that you never thought you could have! He will answer prayers in ways you could not have ever imagined! but in order to see the full power of God, you have to let go of yourself. God can't give you the new and better things, if you do not let go of the old things. don't be content with what you have now. let God give you what you could not even have thought for yourself!
i keep feeling God's tugging on my heart to let the old go and to receive the new. do you feel the same tugging? if you do, i hope you give God a chance or else you might miss out on His amazing blessings. let go and let God lead you. follow Him because He will never lead you towards harm, but only towards His wonderful plan for your life! i can say that because i decided to hang on for too long, i've missed out on a lot. but now, i'm making the choice to let go and move on. i'm giving God a chance to make my life what He wants it to be, to do what He wants me to be. because He's taken over, i trust that all He places in my life is good. i see that all my answered prayers have been in ways i could never have imagined for myself!

i've let go, the question is: can you?

one word: bebot

for everyone who has not seen the video, and that msn thingy don't work... so here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoLUdlWaC8I

enjoy!

running my race...

i can't believe that LS spring retreat 2006 has come and gone already! amazing weekend. when God works, God truly works. first of all, having a lady speaker was the best thing ever! it's nice to hear talks from a female perspective instead of always hearing things from the male perspective. it touched at a whole new level that a male speaker would never be able to reach with us girls. although parts of her talks were huge kicks in the butt for me, they were good kicks. maybe a little too much relationship talk for my liking... but maybe god's trying to tell me something. haha
i loved how she talked about suffering and put her own experience of suffering into it. to share something so new, so fresh, and still a bleeding wound takes a lot of guts. its women like her that make me ashamed of myself for always hiding myself in the corner to nurse my wounds by myself. always keeping my most inner thoughts to myself, the most sensitive feelings inside where no one will ever see them. i told myself that i wasn't going to break out the water works this year at camp... but God completely stripped me of my pride and brought me to tears once again. (i guess i'm not dead on the inside after all!)
i don't even know how to describe just how wonderful God has been! He stripped me down to tears, but at the same time, He knew exactly what to bring to restore hope, and a smile on to my face. yes, they were tears of pain, of regret, and of shame, but he turned my mourning into joy. this weekend He's made me realize that i can no longer dwell on the past, but it's time that i moved on and accept His grace. there's no more need to stay in my suffering because He has called me from it. it i continue to dwell and buy into satan's lies that God will never forgive me, then it'll eventually cause me to walk away from this race. and i refuse to be the soil filled with thorns, where i'll turn my back on God when hardships hit. i choose to be the good fertile soil that will produce fruit.
God's filled my life with so many blessings, he keeps answering prayer after prayer in such big and unimaginable ways! He keeps filling my days with amazing blessings that i couldn't ever have imagined. I traded my sorrows and pains for the joy of the Lord. this is true genuine joy. not that plastered smile that i've been carrying around for so long, but a real one that comes from my heart. He's picked up the broken pieces of my heart and sewed them back together. He's stiched up my wounds and caused them to heal, He's stopped the bleeding and cleaned out the infection. so now, once again, i am able to stand up and run this race with my head held high.
it's been a hard year, but i made it! there are a few scratches here and there, but i'm still standing. thanks for all the prayers, encouragements, hugs, and listening ears! couldn't have done it without any of you, and most of all God! thanks for everyone who stepped in when it seemed the whole world had gone out!

it is finished!

SCHOOL IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LAST FINAL EXAM HAS BEEN WRITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM DONE UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now i need to concentrate on studying for FM in may.
oh application for missions is in. so once everything gets processed and they give me the a-ok, i'm off to the philippines for 2 weeks in july. haha... no more china. still an orphanage though, just in philippines instead of in china. i'm getting so excited for that!
PRAISE GOD!
LIFE IS AWESOME!
I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

That is one of my favourite verses of all time. It is my constant reminder that I can't do things on my own, or in my own way. I have to trust in the Lord, and trust that He is leading me in the right direction. How hard that is to grasp in the midst of final exams! 2 exams today... and 2 more left next week. I have never been so terrified of failing in my entire life. Before, it's always been... oh, well if things go badly, it's okay. But now, it will determine whether or not I can graduate or not!!! In the midst of my fears, I always forget to trust in God. I always rely on my own strength, and rely on my own efforts. But if I do no live according to God's will, then there's no purpose to my life. If I do not follow his calling, then I will wander aimlessly, and life will never be fulfilling in the way that He wants my life to be.
If I lean on my own understanding, I will most certainly fail in everything. If I do not depend on God, then I will surely fall into sin, and ultimately death. Only through God's grace and mercy can I live a new life that was bought for me by Jesus' blood on the cross. How can that no be motivation to do the right thing? But I know and understand that we are human. We all have our own temptations, and we all have our own private sins that we deal with in our own hearts. I also know that if do not rely on God's forgiveness and accept it, we will never repend truly, and we are never truly free. Trying to defeat closet monsters in your own life by yourself is never easy, and you will almost always fail. We were designed for fellowship with one another, and with Christ. Therefore, only through accountability through brothers and sisters in Christ and a relationship with Christ are we able to stand up to the things in our lives that tries to pull us down.
Exams are a hard time for anyone. Lack of sleep, (and lack of food for some) cause us all to be cranky, and hard to deal with. The stress from studying and the desire to do well cause us to be more high strung than normal, but don't lose sight of Christ in all this chaos. Focus on God even in the midst of your studies! Don't let the things of this world tear you away from the unconditional love that is found only in our heavenly Father.

true reflection...

ever looked in the mirror and not recognize the person starring back at you? ever not been able to face your own reflection because of the shame of what you have become? ever shut someone out because you don't like what they have to say? ever put down a book because the words pierced way too deep into your heart? ever cried your eyes out during a movie because the story hit too close to home? i guess its all a part of life, a part of growing up.
ever wish there were words you could take back? ever wish that there were words you would've said instead? ever wish there were things you'd never done? ever wish that you'd made a different choice? ever wish you could forget certain memories?
the past is the past, and none of us can go back in time to change anything. the only thing we can do is look ahead and continue living life as best as we could. i wish i could make you see what i have seen, and feel what i have felt. do you understand that you've let me down? i expected more from you, i expected better. but maybe you're not any better, and i was just living in my own lies.
we're all human, we all make mistakes. if we all hang on to every grudge, every resentment, every wrong that has been done to us, then life would be bitter. of course its much easier said than done. to truly let go takes a lot of self discipline. prayer does make it easier, but the prayer must come from your heart and not just performing lip service. people will always let us down, but God never will...
i'm not good at holding a grudge, but i'm not good at forgetting. it's not the people i hate, but the events themselves.

STOP.

please no more mind games. i don't think i can handle it. i know i said that i was fine, but truth be told, i don't think i am anymore. i was happy, genuinely happy, why couldn't you just leave me that way? why did you have to trample on my dreams? why did you have to turn everything upside down again?
i thought i could do this, but i can't. i can't pretend like everything is fine, there i said it, and i'm sorry. i was confident and secure, but now all the insecurities seem to have come back over night. i thought it was all over. but maybe it is, maybe i won't crumble. god, you won't let me fall, right? you have a reason for doing all this right?
i want to demand a reason, but i know i should not. i want to yell curses at you, but i know that it is wrong. i know it is only because i have placed my trust in you that trials became harder.
i'm scared... so please don't let go, not yet. i still need you to hold me a little longer. in the safety of your hand where you will protect me.
god, i'm terrified.

let the ball start running...

a little while back, i started feeling this tug in my heart for missions. as most people would agree, i'm quite a spoiled little girl. then i go to thinking that, i'm so fortunate for a reason, and i started to feel this passion to reach out to those who are less fortunate. to give up the comforts of home, and travel to where ever it is that God may call me to, and do to His wonderful work. so after much thought, and prayer, i finally decided to start talking to people about these crazy ideas that had started to form in my head. well, not crazy, but just these ideas. they didn't laugh at me, so that was a good sign, but encouraged me to really look into it, and to continue to pray about it.
this is the part where the story starts to get crazy. a couple weeks just before missions fest, i finally decided that i needed to go on missions this summer. when i decided this, it was still more like lip service, and i had the the attitude that "well, if someone were to fall into my lap God, then for sure, i'll go!" but i wasn't about to put any effort into looking things up, and finding a missions trip. then started the 3 weeks of mission sermons, to which one main thing stuck out: "if you've been called, you better get off you bum and go!" so finally, i couldn't turn off that voice in my head no longer, i couldn't ignore that tugging on my heart anymore, i had to do something about this. so, i got off my lazy bum and went to missions fest to check out the booths, to see if i could find any mission trips to go on. at the first booth i stopped at, the man just started talking to me, and then he started to pray for me, right then and there! that was scary! but i think it only comfirmed the calling even more.
after that, i went home and thought long and hard about missions. i decided, it didn't matter where He called me to, i will go. then i had this idea that i really wanted to go on missions to help at an orphanage or something. the very next morning, i ran into YY at church and started talking to her about missions and about the orphanage idea. to which she tells me she has a friend in China who is actually working in an orphanage and that she was planning to visit her this summer! so she agreed to talk to her friend for me and see of there was anyhing i could do there.
next i go talk to uncle charles about it... i found nothing about orphanges at missions fest, but he did. he ended up bumping into a man, who runs orphanages in China.
i finally pushed my fears aside, and got into contact with him, and he's replied with several ways in which i can get involved with orphanages in China. so the ball has started rolling, and there's no way to back out now. if all things work out, i could be heading there in a couple of months.
this all started with a hunch that i should go on missions. and now... all of these things are just... coming together in such a strange way that there is no denying that God is behind it all.
(the story sounds a lot more exciting in person.)
God is amazing. He alone started this whole thing, and I have faith that He's going to take me all the way through until the end. He got me through the last 5 years of school, the least i could do is give this small amount of time back to Him. so i will put my career pursuit on hold, and pursue first the passion that God has placed in my heart. i trust that He'll take care of everything, even provide me with a job after all this, if it's His plan for me. :)

like being run over by a truck...

maybe it was because i actually ran into someone on the court while playing basketball tonight... oops. no, just joking, that was more like running into a wall.

never sweep things under the rug and pretend like they're forgotten. it never works. in the end, it simply comes back to haunt you 10 times worse than before. or maybe simply, it was never swept under the rug at all. simply put into the shadowy corners of my life, just outta sight so as not to be significant, but in sight enough to not let you forget. sometimes, memories just seem to have a life of its own. when you least expect it, it'll hit you so hard, its like being hit by a truck. the overwhelming feeling of forgotten memories rushing into your mind. i thought i would faint on the court. (never good to be in a daze when playing ball... hence bad things happen.)
broken promises, misplaced trust, broken relationship, hurt feelings, angry words, hurting words, unforgiveness, hatred, tears, nausea, pain, lost, grief, loneliness, lost dreams... then it hit me full force, the truth. the forgiveness has been given, but i still long for the words "i'm sorry." i gave God my anger, my pain, my hatred, i traded it all for His peace, joy, and love. i handed Him my unforgiving heart, and in return He gave me one filled with forgiveness. but my pride tugs at my heart. i want "i'm sorry." that is all. knowledge and understanding that the pain was real, that the memories are real. i'm tired of feeling like it was all my fault. just release me, please.
today the memories haunt. not the good ones, but the bad ones. i don't hope that the memories haunt you, because you wouldn't understand, you don't have those memories, you were never there...
i want "i'm sorry," because you were never there...
the truth: you were never there...
it hit me like a truck at full speed.

untitled

~i said i'd finish the song, and i did.~

Late at night
When all the world is sleeping
I lie awake
And I think of all You've done
How you took away my sins
By Your grace and Your mercy
You washed me white as snow
And called me Your own

So I cry
Adonai of all the earth I praise You
Adonai of all the earth I praise You

tinted lenses

do not sit there with your tinted lenses on and pass judgement on me. do not compare me to yourself and tell me that you are better than me. what gives you the right to tell me what it is that you think i need? who are you to tell me that my life is worthless? just because you have never seen the things i have seen, or done the things i have done does not make you better than me. just because you don't understand does not make it wrong.
all people behind their tinted lenses see is that we are unworthy, we are not like the others. you do not have to condemn us just because we have made poor choices in the past. do not look at me like i am a criminal! i am not a maniac, and i definitely am not crazy! i do not need psychiatric help, i do not need drugs. i do not need your judegement, or your so-called advice.
those tinted lenses have got you thinking that you're perfect, that you're better than people like me. they make you believe that we need YOU to "save" us. they make you believe that it is your job to jam bible scripture down our throats, and tell us where we do not measure up.
well, here's my advice for you. take off those tinted lenses and see us as we are. we are humans just like you. we are all made in God's image, just like you. maybe this way, you'll see the hurt in our eyes, the hopelessness in your actions, the cry for love in our tears. maybe if you saw us for the humans we are, you'll realize that you are no better than we are, and that judgement and condemnation will not help.
i'm not interested in having bible verses thrown at me, i could throw another bunch right back at you. but i choose not to. i'll admit that i'm imperfect, and that i am only human. i realize that i will never be perfect, but it is not your books that i need to measure up to, but to God's. He knows the guilt and the shame i feel. He knows the about the regret, He knows and understand that i am only human, but yet he still showers me with love.
i don't know. maybe you don't understand, the pain, or the regret, but that's not your job to understand. it is not sympathy i seek, but true fellowship, and love. i don't need judgement or advice, you simply need to take off those tinted lenses and listen with your heart, and treat me as a human being created equal to you in God's image, JUST LIKE YOU....

happy reading week!

happy reading to everyone's who's reading weeks have ACTUALLY started. as for me, who should be enjoying my last reading week ever... i'm stuck studying for my SOA exam on tuesday! what a way to spend my long weekend. instead of spending the family long weekend on the annual ski trip boarding at Marmot... i will continue to spend my days and nights in the wonderful buildings of ETLC or NREF studying! do i ever leave those buildings? haha... doesn't seem like i ever do!
well, to those who DO get to spend this wonderful weekend in the mountains, do play safe! and enjoy... haha don't miss me too much! j/k
but honestly, i'm terrified for this exam! haha, i joke and complain about it being during reading week. haha... but this exam will be determine whether i can start applying for jobs, and let me know if this is the right career choice for me! so really, i'm scared! i want to do well, i REALLY want to pass! i truly believe that God's placed this in my life for a reason, and i just feel that this is what i'm suppose to be doing. he didn't make me do a 180 degree turn from natural sciences to land myself in mathematica & statistical sciences for no reason, and i believe that with every ounce of me.
and given how un-wonderfully i have been doing on my midterms this week... i'm scared it'll reflect onto this exam! ahhhhhhhhhhh.... countdown is 3 days... and i have about 200 practice questions i need to get through before then. and about a billion distribution fomulas to cram into my head!!! so lovely ppl who read my blog, please pray for me! pray for peace, and pray for the discipline to study while everyone else is off playing! please and thanks! i love u all!

who am i?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still, you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
You have told me who I am
I am Yours

~we are nothing if not for God. none of us can say we are better than others, nor can any of us say we are nothing in comparison to everyone else. if He has called you, you better step up, and if He hasn't called you, then you better re-evaluate what you're doing. strong sermon, strong song.~

define family of God please...

when u hear the words family of God, what is it that u think about? let's back track, what do u think of when you hear the word family? do u think of love, kindness, caring, sharing, etc? most people would. despite the popular belief people hold that their family's "weird" deep down you know that you'll be there for each other no matter what happened. no matter what happens, your family will always have you back, and no matter what happens, you can always run there to hide, to rest, to be encouraged, etc.
now compare this to a the family of God? should it not also be a place where we will feel love, kindness, caring, etc? should it not be a place where we can run to if we feel like there is no where else to go? should it not be a place where you know people will be there for you no matter what happens? should it not be like this and better? a place where even those who have never felt the love of family can feel loved and accepted? considering that Jesus prayed that people will know who we are by the love we have for one another, should this not be a place where love constantly flows out?
can someone please tell me why there is so much hostility between brothers and sisters in Christ? can someone please explain why they hold grudges against each other? we sit there on suday and say the words "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us," but do we mean the words? how can u pray for forgiveness if you dont' really want to forgive? why are we so quick to condemn and reprimand, but so slow to acceptance? how can so many ppl walk around church with hurt feelings because of what another brother or sister in Christ did? why would any non-christian want to be a part of this?
do you know the extent of God's grace and mercy? do you understand just how far that goes? no one sin is greater than another, therefore, who are any of us to judge what another has done? if you truly understand just now unperfect and sinful we all are, how can you not extend this grace and mercy to everyone you meet? having understood the vastness of God's forgiveness, how can you hold that for yourself and not forgive others who have wronged you?
holding a grudge is tiring, being angry is tiring, it's all very pointless. cutting down others will not make you better than them. forgiveness is hard, but is a must if we are to love God with our whole hearts. eventually it'll bring a peace, which takes over the anger. what's better to brew in your heart? God's love, or anger? it's your choice.

me = scatterbrain

ok... so in the past 3 weeks, i've almost lost my gloves 3 different times! i almost lost them at brewsters, but thanks to my brother who went later and found it for me. i almost lost them at the theatre when we went to see brokeback mountain, but thanks to the lady who found them! and then yesterday i almost left them at church after bball. good thing, i saw them sitting there on my way out. but then i was driving home and i had to turn around because i thought i left my water bottle at church, but in reality, it was just in my trunk! so i turned around for nothing!
today, i went to ask my prof for help on my hw. i honestly don't think i have ever done that before, ever!!! so, i went to ask him for help... to which i recieved a hint... and when i went to look up the part of the notes, i realized that the answer was there all along... and i just didn't see it! and then there was this other question, where i had to derive the stinkin' wave equation, taking into consideration the effects of gravity. i asked every engineer i saw, haha, cause they said they took a course that was almost the same, and they did the same thing. but in reality, when i threw in that gravity part, no one could help me! and then it hit me... all my physics 30 came and hit me like a brick wall, and i think i finally figured out how to incorporate stinkin' gravity into the stupid fomula!
i keep leaving books i need at school, and bringing home the ones i don't need! oh and the most scatterbrain part of me is that i have all these bruises up and down the back of my right leg... and i seriously don't think i know where half of them came from! and the bruise on my ankle?!?! what the?!?! yah... so either i'm kicking the wall in my sleep... (but why would the bruises be on the back of my leg?) or else I have tendencies to fall outta bed in the middle of the night, but manage to climb back into bed before i wake up, therefore, i have no recollection of falling out of bed! both of these theories are pretty far fetched, so it's probably just me walking into things, or ramming into things when i'm half awake, and then not remembering!
i'm sure, i almost lost lots of other stuff... but i just can't remember right now... haha :P

surprise!

there are these things that i call little surprises from God. they come when you least expect them, but they always come at just the right time. whatever do i mean? well, let me explain. a little surprise from god would be like... say you were having a bad day, and nothing seems to be going your way, you jump in your car and turn on the radio, and your favourite song pops on... that's a surprise from god. i think most people like to call these things coincidences.
god loves to bring in things when you've just about given up hope, and when nothing seems to be going right, or you're just plain feeling down. it's like the break in the clouds to stop the rain!
i ran into an old friend from work today. she is seriously the kindest, nicest, sweetest person ever! she honestly just radiates God's love. i met her, and she was just so amazingly open, and her passion for life just seems to overflow from her! so, running into her and just being able to catch up with her was awesome! for some reason, she answered some questions that i've been wondering for the past little while. i guess in a way, she was just an answered prayer.
oh, i got an encouragement card this past weekend. it wasn't signed, so i have no idea who it's from, but it was really nice. (thanks to whoever it was!) but they were just the right words that i needed to hear. god's answering prayers in big ways! just when i thought that perseverence was running a little low... there was the encouragement to keep going... wow... i'm telling you, only god can have timing like that!
little messages, phone calls, emails from all over which have all been little surprises from God at just the right time... he just knows what to bring at just the right time. there is no doubt in my mind that he cares about me. i honestly don't believe that things happen by coincidence, everything is according to his good and perfect will.

the clock is a-ticking...

ahh... and yet another year of my life has come and gone... and i find myself a year older once again. i think by far, this would be the best birthday ever! thanks for everyone who came out and made it so memorable!!! honestly, i would've just stayed home and watched tv all night by myself or something...

so never to the point of throwing up and not remembering anything the next day, always to the point where my head is spinning and there is a pounding headache. of course, the fun comes before hitting the part of the night. it always starts with the non-stop smiling. i will start having this grin on my face... because i'm obviously feeling good, and i'm happy, and honestly, i was feeling happy! and it only gets funner from there, because the volume control starts going, and i start yelling and believing that i'm using my "indoor" voice. and then comes the none-sense ramble where i will say anything and everything that comes to my mind. haha... but not to the point where the secretses start coming out. mind you, there are no secretses because everyone already knows. *shrug* oh well.

i remember yelling into my phone a lot, and asking the question "who is this?!?!" and yelling "don't lie to me!!!" many times. i remember someone pretending to be someone that wasn't very nice... worse point of the night... so boo to you! and yes i remember! oh well, not going to let things like that ruin my night. bring it!

the cake was so pretty, and then they brought out this huge pizza knife for me to cut the cake with. at this time, everyone saw me holding a big knife and decided to move meters away from me, just in case. but it was good cake. and then the guy from the kitchen actually ended up coming out to help me cut the cake! haha... good times. we shared the cake with those ppl at bp's. who's allergic to oranges?!?! well, too bad, you missed out on some good cake!

who was feeding me random thoughts while i was in a daze?!?! cause i came home with all these random thoughts of ppl telling me to rethink something?!?! what were you ppl trying to brainwash me with?!?! that, and putting tobasco sauce in my drink while i went to the bathroom!?! even though i couldn't taste it... still!!!! this is why you got no shirt! haha... maybe next time, we'll ask the waiter for it. haha... i still got that free shot, so i'm content!

yay! i feel so happy and loved! thanks for the lovin', i love you all mans!!!!!

ahh... let me out!

ok.... so i was registered for this math class... math 337... and i found out that it's suppose to be real hard... which means i shouldn't be taking it. esp if no one else i know is taking this course! ahhh... but i needed a 300 level course, and this was the only one i had the pre-req's for! and then someone said that if i switch to a mathematical science major, then my higher level stat will count and i'll be able to drop it. so after my first 337 class i bolted to see the advisor... and this is what she says: NO! because i declared stats as a minor, all stats courses must stay within that category... so there's no way out. it's either a 300 level math class, or a 300 level computer class!!! considering how 'wonderful' i did in 115... there was no way i'd consider taking another cmput class ever again! and since i don't want to/ can not get into any other math class... 337 it is!
on the otherhand... i've finally found a way to make my degree a double major, instead of just a major and a minor. haha... it just sounds really study... a double major in.... math... and.... math.... it's suppose to be mathematics and mathematical sciences. *sigh* if i sounded like a geek before... i sound like an even bigger one now!
ahhhh.... i want out of this class so bad... but i guess there is no way out. i'm doomed to be in this class.... so if you see me angry... and ready to start throwing my textbook, its cause i'm working on 337 homework! so... stay far away... unless you want to be hit by my 200 pds calculus textbook!

another year passes...

wow... happy new years! i honestly cannot believe that another year has gone by... and that my 3 weeks holiday is almost over... and soon it will be back to my late nights of studying on campus... which must start on the first week if i am to be ready for soa in february!!!!
as sad as it is that another year has come and gone, it's also very exciting that a new year is beginning... not to mention i'm getting older in another week or so... *sigh* nooooooooooooo i'm getting old! haha... but not old enough that i can't go out and have some fun. *wink*
the one word to describe this past year is "trying" and the one thing about God i've learned is "grace." and only through the trials was i able to come a deeper meaning of grace. grace is receiving something we do not deserve.

"what once was hurt
what once was friction
what left a mark
no longer stings
because grace makes beauty
out of ugly things" ~Grace by U2

it is through grace that no matter how ugly the past, we are made new, and we become children of god. nothing is more beautiful than the unconditional love that god has for us. as bad and as hard as this past year has been, i don't think i'd go back to change any one part of it. there is no use in asking those "what if" questions, and there is no use in dwelling on regret. what has happened has already past, and the only thing anyone can do is to hold their head up high and keeping walking forward.
the future is uncertain, but one thing is certain, and that is god's hand in my life. i need only to cling to what is certain, and that which is uncertain will slowly back itself clear.

God's wonderful sense of humor...

i'm completely convinced that God has it out to make life as awkward as possible for me sometimes. or i just think he has this sense of humor that i don't understand at all! i seem to constantly find myself in situations where i have to wonder if things could be any more awkward?!?!
first he gets these people with whom i'm totally not close with to throw random comments at me! comments about the secretses that no one is really suppose to know about! haha... but yet everyone seems to somehow know about anyways. as if life wasn't confusing enough with certain people knowing?!?!
and then god throws a curve ball that goes in the complete opposite direction which throws me back into another fit of confusion! what is going on?!?! i wish he'd just give it to me straight. then i wouldn't have to be sitting on this fence constantly, wondering which side of the fence suits me better.
god will always bring ppl you don't want to see into the picture when you want to see them the least. at the same time, there are these "coincidences" that just seem to pop up all over the place when you're confused about something... that always makes you wonder if maybe that's the right choice. i seem to be constantly surrounded by coincidences.
and... as routine has it, i tend to pick the side with more "coincidences."

time for an update...

haha... ok, i'm obviously way to bored... esp if we're coming up with these during finals... haha... thanks buddy! glad to know someone's keeping with the observing even when i'm no longer around.

so here to add to the list of fobs vs cbcs:
You know you're a fob when your knowledge of English songs is 10 years out of date.
You know you're a cbc if you can list at least 1 song on the top 40!

You know you're a fob when you have an English name, but still make the choice to use your Chinese name.
You're cbc if you're chinese name is your middle name, or you're just plain embarassed of it!

3 days until Christmas... and counting... (and still haven't started shopping!)

where is your home?

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot know." ~Pascal

i once heard someone say that home is where your heart is. so here's the question: if you give your heart away, does that mean that's home? is the place where you left your heart, the place that you call home? is that why going back to that same place always feels the most comfortable, because that's where you've chosen to call home?

for that reason alone, i guess that's why we're suppose to be careful of where we put our hearts.

what happens if you've already misplaced your heart, and home has become a place that you wish to go, but cannot? are you allowed to take it back, and put it somewhere else, so you call a new place home?

maybe moving is the answer... take a chance... or go home? haha... obviously don't want to go back to the place where my heart has decided to call home. so maybe take a chance? i think i just might take the dive.

joke of the day...

buzz buzz.... need i say more?!?!

haha... one more exam to go.... and starting to get the jitters. who has one exam left and start drinking coffee not at the beginning of the week, but at then end when they're almost done?!?! apparently i do. the worse part is i didn't even need it, and now while i'm suppose to be studying, i have to get up to pee every like 10 min!!!!

haha, i think it's the coffee that's making my stomach feel like i have a constant case of the butterflies... or it could always be something else... can't really tell the difference right now.

ok, back to memorizing geometry terms and diagrams. 10 extra if you know what a Menelaus pt is! muahahahaha, let's see u all try to out do the math major!

what goes around... comes back around!!!

sometimes i find it hard not to believe in karma, and today would be one of those days. awhile ago, i became the proud owner of 2 switchfoot's the beautiful letdown cd. and i couldn't return the one that was a gift because SOMEONE couldn't find the receipt for me!!!! haha.... oh well. so then i decided to re-gift it. haha... well, seriously! what was i going to do with 2 copies of the cd anyways?!?! so i wrapped it all nicely, and gave it to someone for their birthday. and then tonight, i went to fellowship, and we did this gift exchange thing. and it was my turn to pick from the pile... and i thought, you can't go wrong with a cd... so i picked the package that looked like a cd. look and behold! starring right back at me was the same cd i had gotten rid of just months ago!!! seriously?!?! am i just doomed to own 2 copies of this cd like forever or what!?!?! and i'm like sooo curious as to whether its the EXACT same cd i gave away too!
*sigh* oh well... like i said, who goes around, comes back around. treat others the way you want to be treated. you want ppl to treat you all cold and like you don't exist, you're obviously going to receive the exact same treatment! bleh.
poop to ppl who treat others bad AND THEN complain about others treating them bad.... ok whatever. i'm not gettin involved in this. waaaay too complicated.

killing time...

suppose to be finishing hw... but we're stuck... so i needed a break from sitting in the same chair for the past 4 hrs!!!
so... i need to add some more points to my lists of fob vs cbc characteristics... so here goes:

you're a fob if you have a hard drive full of pirated chinese movies, music, etc
you're a cbc if you don't pirate absolutely everything

you're a fob if you can speak more than 1 chinese dialect
you're a cbc if you can only speak and understand the chinese dialect your parents use to yell at you

when i think of more, i'll put it up.

now its time to get back to my hw.

almost at the end...

wow, i just realized the other day that the end of the semester is coming, and in another semester's time, i'm going to be graduating *fingers crossed* i ran into my friend that i met in first year the other day... and it really hit me when she said she was heading home (well as if now, she already headed home as of last night). a lot of people who i've met in the past couple of years may not be around after we all graduate. made me realize how much i need to cherish the times i have now with my friends, and how i take people for granted at times, that they'll just always be around.
i have no idea where God is leading after i graduate, i have no idea whether i'll still be in town at this time next year. i could be working else where, i could be overseas doing missions, or i could just still be here doing who knows what kinda job, and bumming or something. we're growing up, and people are heading off in their own directions, but hopefully, the friends i treasure will always be a part of my life, and we'll make an effort to stay in touch.
oh my goodness, so scary to think we're all growing up so quick! haha... maybe that's why i'm the honourary first year.... cause i'm just refusing to grow up. no, but i know we all do, and people moving, people getting married, etc... its all part of growing up. i'm almost done university, and i'm glad for that. no way i want to go through everything again! i'm glad to be almost done, and almost ready to move on the the next stage in life.
so until the end of schoo, its all about maximizing friends hang-out times, enjoying each and every single day... regardless of how much i'm starting to dislike school, and most of all just trying to make the most of everything, refusing to leave any cards un-turned!

how to tell if you're a fob or a cbc...

you're a fob if tea means using leaves and hot water
you're cbc if tea means throwing a tea bag in some hot water

you're a fob if you carry hot drinks in a thermos
you're a cbc if you carry hot drinks around in an insulated coffee mug

you're a fob if it's grey cup weekend, and you think people ran off to watch hockey
you're a cbc if you understand what the grey cup is

you're a fob if cbc's don't understand your english
you're a cbc if fobs think you have an accent when you speak chinese

you're a fob if your cell phone's language setting is set to chinese
you're obviously a cbc if your cell phone is not!

you're a fob if your ring tone is some chinese pop song
you're cbc if you ring tone is anything but a chinese pop song

you're a fob if you know all the chinese people in class, and you talk to them in chinese
you're a cbc if you converse with all chinese people in english

you're a fob if you don't know what 24 is
you're a cbc if you watch it religiously

you're a fob if your idea of karaoke is to sing well
you're a cbc if your idea of karaoke is to butcher the songs

you're a fob if you make your friend do shots by themselves on their bday
you're a cbc if you buy 2 and take it with them

you're a fob if your music collection is compiled of all chinese songs
you're a cbc if you don't listen to that stuff

you're a fob if you copy notes from your prof including bad grammar and spelling
you're a cbc if you fix it all in your own notes so it makes sense

here's the most obvious of them all:
you're a fob if you understand things better in chinese
you're a cbc if you understand things better in english!

oops, i think i fell....

fell? how? wouldn't u like to know?! the secretses... shh... we don't talk about that! haha... i love having secretses... and i love calling them that... and i have no idea why! i think i'm just a dork when it comes to stuff like this. apparently i talk in code too much and just expect people to know what i'm talking about. but i think the truth is i talk in code because i want to talk about something, but i'm kinda embarassed for people to know... so... hence i talk about something, but i don't really talk about it.
new secretses make me so happy! ok, i have got to stop smiling like i'm hiding something... it's making it too obvious that i am! when people get suspicious, people start asking questions... and i don't like answering questions! so no more smiling like an idiot. but smiling makes me happy, and makes people around you happy... so why not just smile away? plus, it makes homework more barable cause i'm in a good mood! so really who cares... i'm happy, and i'll spread my joy!
yay! the eskimos won! boo to the stupid elevator that stopped working, so i couldn't get back upstaris to ratt to watch the overtime!!!! i stood inside that thing for so long... pressing 7... and the elevator just wouldn't move!!!! shouldn't there a be sign there that says that the elevator will take you downstairs, but you're not going to be able to get back upstairs... cause then i wouldn't have gone down in the first place! oh well, they still won!
boo to stat 479... and boo to this stupid project for that class! yay to finally getting some work done... and something that i can use... and i think i finally understand it. after sitting in front of a computer all day... and 2 at one point today... and sitting in sub with a table of 4 laptops looking like we're having a lan party.... and an hour of moving around until we could find decent internet access... but i think i kinda understand what it is that i have to do now! in the 8 hours that i was at school... i think only maybe 3/4 if even of that was real work time. oops!
boo to my new nick name small pig... why they pick on me like this?!? regardless of who i'm with, i'm always the one people laugh at! haha... oh well... i guess it was kinda funny. yay to the bunnies that look so funny as white lumps on the ground since there's no snow and they don't blend into the snow.
yay to god for another good weekend! yay for everyone who got baptized this weekend! thanks for the reminders that God is amazing and he works in supernatural ways! as much as it didn't feel like i went to church today... and i say i didn't feel like i got any corporate worship, God spoke in his own way through the testimonies of these people. yay for the way God touches people's hearts.
boo to people who confuse me and make me sad. but yay to people who put a huge smile on my face! yay to phone calls from friends, and meaningless conversations. thanks god for using all of those to balance out the things that get a boo! yay for the love that god represents, and yay for how he shows it.
conlusion: the weekend was a yay!

lost in the forest...

wow, what an amazing week! i mean it wasn't a perfect week, but i'm not looking for perfection. just a week where no matter what happens, there is trust that God is there. started the week with monday night basketball as usual... fun as usual. i think our team played for an hour straight almost! hahaha... it was nice to play on a winning team. and i wasn't completely useless, i managed to sink 2 baskets!
i realized this week, that God has answered my answered my prayer to simplify my life. it's like my picture. i've been feeling so lost in the forest, so surrounded, almost to the point of suffocation. but then i take a moment, and i look up, pass the trees, and i see the sunlight. in the clutter, God has called me to look up heavenward, and there i stand in awe of the peace that looking up brings. no matter how things around me are suffocating me, or frustrating me, i simply have to look up, and nothing else will matter as much as my heavenly father. in my weariness, God has brought me rest. before, i always thought that simplifying my life would mean much more drastic measures, but i think i've realized that by turning my focus onto God, the simplification will follow. by trusting in Him and handing everything over to Him, i no longer worry about silly things, and what remains is simplicity.
not only have i been blessed with answered prayers all around, He's graciously surrounded with friends who love and care for me. there's always somone there in the right place at the right time, whether it be for last min hang outs, someone to talk to, someone to shop with, someone to be silly with, someone to eat with, He has constantly provided at the right place and time, and most important the right person. (thanks to everyone who's brought comfort and encouragement without even knowing it! for the hugs, the laughs, the talks, the hang-outs, coming over for dinner, cooking with me, the shoulders soaked with my tears, the encouragement, the outstretched hands, and yes, even for cleaning with me! you've all been God-sent! )

for Him, not for me...

"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of you my king.
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying my rights,
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life.

And I surrender all to you, all to you.

I'm singing you this song, I'm waiting at the cross
and all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing you, for the glory of your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in your pain."

maybe being cautious is being selfish. by being cautious, i'm not letting God into my life the way He wants to be in my life. by being cautious, i'm not taking up my cross to follow Him. by saying i'm not ready, i'm telling God no, and that i care more about myself than i do about him. today's sermon was based on putting God before everything else. i think lately, i've been too selfish. always saying that i need to take care of myself first. always telling God that i need more time. more time to heal, more time to "get better." but is "better" ever going to come. God calls us to come in whatever state that we are in. He calls us into service no matter what we are going through, or have gone through. Never has God said, you are too messed up, so i can't use you. Unless your heart is serving the devil, God will use you.
God never promised that by following Him, that there will be no hardships, and everything will be perfect. But God did promise that no matter what it is that we go through, He is right there going through it with us. In Christ, we are never alone, and we are never abandoned. even when we are at the very bottom, God can still find a way to use you. i am convinced that even when you don't want to be used God, He will still find a way for you to be used.
i think its time to let go of myself, and let God take over. healing will only come when I let him in, true joy is only found in Him alone. its time to say "god it may hurt, and i may not want to do it, but i will because you have called me." it's time for the "yes Lord no matter what" to be true, and not a half-hearted committment made while on a spiritual high from a rally or conference.
it is no longer about me, but about God. i may want things MY way, but God says, no, it has to be HIS way. Trust me, MY way is NOT a better way than HIS way. MY way leads to the fires of hell, while HIS way will lead you into eternity in Heaven.

relapse

so after 5 years of hard work and dedication to a committment i made... i find myself falling in to a relapse. maybe it was the large amount of vodka i put into myself... or maybe it was just something that's been brewing inside of me, and it was only a matter of time before it came to this. it was never suppose to come to this... but i just couldn't take it anymore. the escape from reality... the punishment for doing wrong... which always results in even more guilt and more shame.
ok, so maybe hiding from reality has not been the best medicine. i was hoping that it was all just a bad nightmare, and that none of it ever happened, but no one can tell me that can they? How could God let all this happen? How come He's not here? Can someone please tell me? I've been waiting... maybe God has someone nice... "the break in the clouds." But it only seems to be bad news on top of more bad news all the time. i'm tired... and the more tired i get, the more my faith seems to shake... and the more i want to escape.
How come He think's I can handle all this? Because we're only suppose to be faced with what He thinks we can handle right? God I know that i said i can do this on my own, but i can't. why'd they walk out... and leave me here in all the crap? i thought we in this together? so why do i feel like it was all my fault? why do i feel like i've lost everything?
argh... too much pain... can only take so much more. can u stop hurting me, please? or else... i just might give up this fight...

proceeding with caution

yield signs... those upside down triangle things. when you see one, you're suppose to slow down and proceed with caution! of course unless you're in the windsor carpark on campus, because those are apparently non-existent. i don't know how many times i've had to yield to cars that are suppose to yield to me!!! annoyance... esp when its early, and i don't want to be at school. but yielding is so important, because if you don't slow down to make sure no cars are coming, its very likely that you're going to be hit by a car, esp at a busy intersection!
how many times does God put up yield signs in our lives, and ask us to proceed with caution? sometimes, he just sends us the bright flashing warning signs, but more often, they're those yield signs that many of us chose to ignore at certain intersections or at certain times of the night when roads are less busy. because God has a still small voice, sometimes, if we're not paying attention, it's very easy to miss them.
but can anyone ever be too cautious? or too careful? maybe, maybe not. its always good to be cautious when behind the wheel. but how about in dealing with others? can one be too careful about letting people in? ever met someone who keeps everyone at an arm's length? its frustrating... and until this week... i've never considered myself to be one, but maybe i have become one. i don't like to share, and i don't probe people because i don't want to be probed in return. i'll let you scratch the surface, but to get in any deeper would just be sharing too much. maybe i'm scared you'll get in too deep, that you'll see the wound that's still bleeding. the wound that needs stitches, but i've simply patched up with band-aids.
maybe its ok to be cautious, just for now. until the bleeding stops and the wound stops its stinging. until it stops getting infected, and the cleaning process is complete, and God has stitched me up. maybe then, i can let you into my heart.

simple joys

ok, so before this next post, i'm suppose to say that i love the corolla sport too! i'll even post a picture!

anyways, back to simple joys

simple joys are the ordinary everyday things that can make your day.
~ ice cream from the tub
~ candy
~ seeing a nice car
~ cute babies
~ encouraging words
~ hugs and kisses
~ sunshine
~ good songs
~ rainbows
~ silly girl talk
~ good conversation
~ goal fulfilled
~ math problem solved

what a good weekend. so many simple joys for me this weekend. i was waiting outside for a little while today and got to soak in the warm sunshine. ate lots of candy while studying at school... dried mangoes counts as candy. rode in nice cars, corolla sports... haha. heard some good old school songs, had some silly girl talk in bathrooms, had some good converstions. got my ears pierced like i've been wanting to, and i even figured out some of the stat problems for my next assignment all on my own!
ok, so there weren't any hugs and kisses, or ice cream from tubs, and there was no cute baby at tokyo express this time, and no rainbows, but more than half the list is pretty good for one weekend.
and now i feel so giddy... just because i had a good weekend, and i'm starting to understand the one class that i was completely clueless in! yay, praise god, because He DOES answer prayers!

oh how i love cars...

ok, so i admit it, i love cars. and i esp love pretty cars. not only good looking cars... but cars that are powerful too. haha... its not good enough that its nice on the outside, but the engine under the hood needs to be just as nice! so, since guys like to compare girls with cars, i've decided, why can't girls? so here goes... my first love.... a 1995 honda prelude. i was still in jr high when i decided that my dream car was going to be honda prelude... and then they stopped making them!!! as old as that car may be, everytime i see one on the street it still turns my head. i guess that's what they say about your first love, eh? you never quite get that first one out of your system. my first still turns my head.
so after that i kinda had dreams about a honda civic, until they re-designed them and made them look like a family car. then there was the integra for awhile, but they stopped making those too.
and then there was the tsx...

what a beautiful car! it looked cool, and it had power! it became my new dream car the minute i first saw it! i even went as far as saying i'd only date a guy if he drove a tsx (which is NOT true). i want my own! cause i know if i had a bf who had a car like this... he's probably not going to let me drive it. it was like how guys get the "new girl symdrome" this was like new car syndrome for me. i wanted this car, but with anything else, the new-ness eventually wears off and it just becomes another car. i think about it once in awhile, but its no longer... an i gotta have! plus when someone buys your dream car, it no longer seems special. cause before anyone else has one, it was cool... but when someone else has it... who cares.
and then i had this crazy thought, if i want to start saving up for a tsx... why not save up even more and spring for the next model up? the tl....

ok... so i wasn't as crazy about this car as i was about the other dream cars, but hey, it caught my eye. it became the new thing i couldn't stop looking for and the thing i couldn't stop thinking about. but yah, there isn't much more to say about this car other than, i still wouldn't mind it! haha... hey, what can i say? its a nice car. its kinda one of those safe choice things. like the choice to fall back on... when other choices don't seem available. i mean they do still make this car! no more preludes... no more integras... but they do still make tl's. and the tsx is still rather new... who knows... they're probably still making improvements to make it better. its like would you rather the one you know has a good reputation, or the one that's new and you don't know much about? haha... think about it. you want a guy with a trusted reputation, or a new guy that's a question mark?
and then came the one that appeared in my dream one night...



the audi a4. so before this car appeared in my dream, it was waaay too much of a family car. and it was kinda big... i prefer driving small cars... hence the 2 door prelude. but hey... this is one sweeeeet car. and if you think about it, who wouldn't want to marry rich? haha... like who wouldn't want to own an audi a4? but of course this was one of those out of reach kinda dreams. (of course at the time, i was still seriously considering my career as an actuary... which would mean that in a couple of years time i'd probably be able to afford this car....) but hey, extravegance isn't for everyone... and i'm not one to dwell on being rich.... because i'd pick happiness over money any given day. haha... just because something appeared in a dream doesn't mean it's the truth... or means that it's something that i want or should pursue. of course... weird things appear in my dreams... so who knows what anything means when they come from dreams!
and finally, the car of the moment...

a volvo s40. after a discussion about cars with my dad... we both decided that a volvo s40 would be a nice choice. volvo's are less boxy than they used to be, and they're safe cars. haha... which is funny because... if i'm going to relate cars to guys... that would mean my dad'll have to approve of this guy... and he'd have to give me security. haha... i've also realized that a volvo is still an expensive car. but it's nice to dream.
okay... so i'm not so good at comparing guys with cars.. i just love cars too much. so who cares! these are sweet ass cars! this doesn't mean that just because i like expensive cars, i like boys with money. haha... i really shouldn't compare the 2. i'm not the kinda girl who wants the car to come with the boy. it'll bring me much more joy if i can work towards it, and buy it for myself. i'm particular about cars... and bottom line, i want my own. of course... if i ever did end up with one of my dream cars... and a guy... he'd be allowed to drive my car. haha... he can drive me around in MY car. haha.... ok... too much information. yah... so there is NO correlation between my taste in cars and my taste in boys. so... they ruins the whole blog!
but i have realized one thing, my taste in cars has shifted. where once they lie in cars that were in other words more "ricer" type of cars...i've started leaning more towards more stable... and somewhat "family" cars. oh... how sad. i'm getting old. not only that, but i used to only love japanese cars! i wouldn't even look at other types of cars. but i've broadened my horizons... european cars! more high class... obviously! i'm moving up the chain.
but that doesn't change anything. i still want to watch 2 fast 2 furious... and i still love initial d. just because i don't really want those kinda cars anymore... doesn't mean i don't like them anymore. it's just that the excitement has worn off, and security and practicality is more important.
oh and a side note... i don't necessarily want a silver car... its just that all the pictures i could find were of the cars in silver. silver is nice... but i think i want a dark colored car. haha... darker is better.

Back to the beginning

"Through forgotten convictions and misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice.
Chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been done this road before.
I gotta get back to where it all began.
Where I would long for only You."

John 1:1-18
In my attempt to get back to the basics, and back to putting God first in my life, I've decided to start where my walk with God very first began. In the book of John. Reading the first couple verses of John as a non-Christian... I don't remember it making any sense to me at all. I had minimal knowledge of who this God was, and ended up skimming these first couple lines. If you go to church, esp a very contemporary church, Im sure that you have sang the song "Here I am to Worship" by Tim Hughes. The very first line of that song is "Light of the world, you stepped down into darkness, " which is exactly what this passage is about. Jesus Christ was the light that stepped into the darkness which is the world.
I think this passage has 2 parts. The first part is the summary of who Jesus was and why He came to the earth. The second part is about people who have known Jesus and what they are to do because God has touched their lives. A lot of time, when someone is starting out as new Christian, or searching, and want to start getting into the Bible, many a times, they are told to start with the Book of John. It makes sense, right here at the very beginning of the book is the gospel message. Jesus came to bring truth and grace and to make God known. It also says that not everyone accepts Him, but for those who do "he gave the right to become children of God— 13children born not of natural descent,[c] nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." Right there at the very beginning of the book, is the truth, if you accept Him, you become a child of God.
As we live in such a humanistic world, where the world teaches us "every man/woman for themselves," we tend to conform to the world, and lose our own identity in the process. Our desire to belong and to be accepted causes people to lose their sense of self and identity. But it's not our identity in others that matter, but our identity in God. It doesn't matter what other people think, it only matters that God loves you, and wants you to call Him Father. But because God is invisible, we tend to turn towards other things and other people for acceptance and reassurance that we matter. We look for things that are tangible because science teaches us that something only exists only if you can prove that it does. Other people exist because you can feel them, and God does not because you can not touch Him. So, here's the question: would you rather place your security in something/someone that will in someway or other let you down someday, or stop caring about you? Or would you rather place your security in Someone that will love you no matter what you do, and will never ever leave you for forsake you?
And if you've already found this love and have it in your life, why are you not sharing with everyone around you? Why do you leave the world in the dark? When we are specifically told to go and be a light in the world?

Hate the World Today ~ Starfield

As much as it thrills me
I wanna get off this ride
For gravity holds me
Yet grace calls me to Your side

As much as I trust You
Though I know that hope will come with time
Injustice prevails
And truth lags behind

Looking for beauty
Searching for sense in all the pain
A note of redemption
A break in the clouds to stop the rain

Can You hear me calling?
Have You been listening to my cry?
Cause I can't carry onIf I don't find out why

I hate the world today
But I love this life you have given
I hate the world today
But I love you and I need you here

Though stuck in this moment
Everything good still comes from you
As much as I don't know
I'm trusting that you will carry me through

Though thousands are falling
Though comfort and peace are beyond reach
I'll offer my heart
I'll try to believe

It's pulling me to pieces
In a fight for my soul
These two worlds are waging war
The falling of humanity
And the truth that although
I can't see with my eyes
I'm still trying to believe

re-evaluation time

i think i've reached the place where i really need to think about the things in which i place importance. i've been back in school for about a month now, and i'm feeling more lost and burdened than ever. why am i still in school? i honestly see no reason for why i am in school, i don't want to be in school, i don't want to study... sometimes... i don't want to be around.
i'm in a fellowship where i feel more lost than i ever have. do i belong there? but if i don't belong there, then where do i belong? can i go back? why am i letting someone dictate my life and not God? why is which fellowship, or church i go based on where someone else is not! why has the anger towards someone driven me to the point where it drowns out God's voice? why is forgiveness so hard? why does the tendency to ignore always seem stronger than the tendency to reconcile?
what am i re-evaluating anyways? my life? my relationship with God? my goals? the state of my heart? i can tell you straight up that the state of my heart is hard. my heart is numb from pain to the point where i don't think i can feel anymore. i've re-entered that state in which i vowed never to go back to. the numbness where i can't feel pain, and tears refuse to come even when i want to cry. (why is that you're the one who brought back the feeling in my heart, and you are also the one who has made me numb?)
my goals? before my goal was to finish school, have actuary exams done, find a job... make some money... and buy myself a sweet-ass car! find someone, get married, start having kids before i'm too old... but what does that all matter now? the money seems irrelevant, because there are too many unfortunate people in the world. find someone... that will come in time.... but don't want to be married anytime soon, and definitely don't want to be having kids anytime soon. i've come to see that as much as i love kids, i'm no where ready to have my own.
my relationship with God? now there's an interesting one. i would say that i'm on the fence, but that would be a lie. i can't say that my faith is on the fence when i know that i believe in Him and Him alone. I believe that He died on the cross to save me from my sins, and that He rose again from the dead in 3 days. i serve, because i have a passion to serve. but somedays i still feel so far. i talk to Him, but He feels so distant to me. i believe in Him, but at the same time i feel myself faltering and stumbling all over the place. i feel like i'm walking on the edge of a cliff, and by the way i'm stumbling on the cliff, it's only going to be a matter of time before i fall over!
so conclusion of re-evaluation: identity crisis, mixed in with anger causing unforgiveness... damn i'm bitter and jaded.