Beauty in the Broken...

The journal entries... 1

2012-02-12T00:31:00.000+08:00

So... I have decided to take some old journal entries and start putting them up on my blog. This has been something which has been on my heart to do for awhile, and I've decided that the time has come for these things to be shared with others. So this will be my first attempt at doing so! Please, if you read this, give me a shout to let me know what you think.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~ Hebrews 12:2-3

Jesus endured the crucifixion for joy?! Reconciliation with man brings joy to God. Eternity with Christ, the promise of eternal life, it is for the joy that comes with these promises that Jesus died. The promise of eternity is the secret to eternal joy, the promise of eternity is what gives us the confidence to be bold. When we know what God has promised us... what His son's death on the cross really means for our lives... then we have joy that no one can steal or understand. Then we have a boldness that doesn't make sense.

God you are amazing. Thank-you that my confidence and identity comes from you first. Thank-you that before anything else I am your daughter, your princess, your wife, your lover, your friend and your sister. Before I am these things to anyone else I am these things to you.

One Thing Remains - Part2

2012-02-10T12:21:00.000+08:00

The light just turned on upstairs... ONE thing remains. I blogged this song back in July. And last night we sang this song... and I LOVE this song!

God is taking to a place where only ONE thing remains... which is Him. That in each and every aspect of my life, He is the one and only thing that remains. Was this not the cry of my heart 3 years ago? For God to remove all so that He can mold me to be the woman of God that He desires me to be. So, God is just continuing His work because He brings all good works to completion.

So this is my prayers being answered. He is trying to bring me to a place where all that comes into me is God, and all that flows out of me is God. To that place where the words "Your grace is enough" and "Your love is all that I need" are true in every way.

This doesn't really make anything hurt any less, but it restores the peace in my heart. Which is okay... because having God's peace is better than being in a place of no pain. : \

If We’re Going to Be Skeptical, Be Skeptical of Our Perceptions

2012-02-02T17:29:00.000+08:00

Ouch... this cuts straight into my heart... :(

If We’re Going to Be Skeptical, Be Skeptical of Our Perceptions:

There he sat, the scum of society on the footstep of heaven on earth, begging the condescending mercy of pious passersby going in and out of the temple. Enough mercy today and he could eat.

This man was blind. He had been born that way. And it was his own fault. As a fetus this man had sinned in the womb against the Almighty. Either that or his parents had sinned and brought a curse upon him. Whichever it was, he was suffering a just punishment.

Those who had been righteous fetuses walked by and sometimes dropped a coin in his hand. This would merit them even more divine favor.

You see, in the law and prophets God had not explained exactly why one sinful person suffers more than another sinful person. So theologians had deduced that a person’s suffering must result directly from a specific offense(s) against God.

Interestingly, Job’s three friends¹ had reached the same conclusions about Job’s suffering. Only God had rebuked them, “you have not spoken of me what is right.”² He was poised to deliver a similar rebuke.

Jesus’ disciples had learned from the theologians. So seeing the blind man on the temple steps triggered their curiosity: “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

God the Son stopped and looked at the man. Then he gave an answer that would turn their theology on its head and affect the futures of millions: “It was not that this man sinned or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Okay, let’s catch our breath.

Jesus restated: God made this man blind³ in order to demonstrate his power in him. The purpose of this man’s disability was not punishment but proclamation. It’s just that no one knew it until that day.

And when Jesus spoke these words, he understood their full implications. He knew what this moment of proclamation had cost in the currency of this man’s pain.

All those years the man and his parents had labored under a perception that God had brought his judgment upon them for an unknown reason. All those years they had endured insults, indignities, injuries, poverty, loneliness, and isolation. How many were his tears? How many his prayers for mercy? No hope for an education. No hope for marriage. His only vocational option: begging.

And, according to Jesus, this was God’s plan. Was it worth it? We shall see, if God wills.

After his world-shaking statement, Jesus made the man see! In that moment everything changed. See the power of the Word! Light shown into dark eyes. A brain that had never processed optical stimuli was given immediate ability to interpret a visual world.

But even more revolutionary in its repercussions, the man went from being perceived as the object of God’s wrath to being the object of God’s kindness! And everyone discovered that God’s purpose in his blindness was to let the Light of the world shine.

So was it worth it — all the suffering? It all depends on what God gave him in return.

God so loved him that he gave his only Son so that by believing in him, this man would not perish but have eternal life.⁴ What this man received beyond his miraculous physical healing was the far more miraculous forgiveness of all his sins and eternal life in God’s presence where full joy and pleasures never end.⁵ Such a gift would be worth a thousand blind lifetimes.

Let us be very careful in interpreting God’s purposes in suffering. The man born blind reminds us that our perceptions and God’s purposes can be very different, even opposite. If we are going to be skeptical, it’s best to be skeptical of our perceptions.

And he reminds us that when Jesus finally reveals the real purposes, we will find them more glorious than we ever dreamed, and his reward so overwhelming that there will be no trace of bitterness, only overflowing gratitude.

¹Job 2:11: Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar

²Job 42:8

³Exodus 4:11: “Then the Lord
said to him, ‘Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?’”

⁴John 3:16
⁵Psalm 16:11

________

Previous posts from Jon Bloom —

Don't Be Afraid to Pray "Whatever It Takes"

More Than Enough

Live and Love Without Wax

Swimming in deep waters...

2012-02-02T15:22:00.000+08:00

So I'm currently reading this book called Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God... and I read the following this morning:

"I am come into deep waters" took on a new meaning this morning... It dawned that shallow waters were a place where you can neither sink nor swim. In deep waters it is either the one or the other... Swimming is the intensest, most strenuous form of motion. All of you is involved in it, and yet every inch of you is in abadonment of rest upon the water that bears you up. "We rest on Thee and in Thy name we go." ~ Lilias Trotter

After reading this... some light started to shine upon all that I had been feeling. And simply it is that I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by every aspect of my life at the moment. I feel like I am deep waters, and I am trying to stay afloat on my own efforts, through the flailing of my arms, and kicking of my legs. I am trying to take control over the waters... but if you've been swimming (a sport that I very much dislike)... the more you fight, the more likely you will drown. You must be relaxed and allow the waters AND trust that the waters will hold you up and allow you to float.

It is only February! I have only been 2x for like 3 weeks... yet I feel like my birthday was so long ago, and New Years as well... and honestly for most of January the only thing I have done was bawl my eyes out! And I mean bawl my eyes out... I have shed so many tears that I feel like I should be wrinkled like a prune... but yet there are still more tears fighting their way to be let out of my system. I know that when I decided to take a leap of faith and follow God down this road that I was giving up control of my life... yet somehow I never imagined that when I gave up that control I would feel so utterly and completely at a lost...

Monday Morning Musings...

2012-01-30T11:31:00.000+08:00

So I have returned from playing on the mountains of Niseko. Let met just say... it was worth every penny that I spent for that trip, and the snow really is as amazing as they say it is! I don't think I have ever had to dig myself out of powder as much as I have in the past week.... but it was amazing because falling didn't hurt... :P

I must say though... before I plan another trip for Niseko.. or elsewhere within Hokkaido, I must find me someone who can board/ski with me. As much as I love snowboarding, I don't enjoy doing it alone so much... plus it's actually not safe... you're never really suppose to board/ski on your own... And it's always more fun to have someone push you... or wait for. :) Still... I had a pretty good time on the slopes... pushed my own limits a bit... went to the top to attempt the ungroomed black run and ended up sliding down on my butt because once I fell into the powder I couldn't get back up.... and when I did.. I rolled down the hill backwards. THAT was insanely scary! Good thing it was pure powder... and I couldn't get very far before getting stuck in powder again. :P

It was an interesting trip... I don't think I've ever met so many Albertans outside of Alberta in one go... and the surroundings definitely made me feel like I was back in Alberta (I mean Banff is full of Japanese anyways.. ) and haven't sorted whether it made me MORE homesick, or less so... I'm leaning towards more so at the moment. The mountains were beautiful... but it still doesn't compare to the majesty of the Rockies. Yah... I think it really did make me more homesick... to go home and board on the slopes that I know so well... where there will be people who I can board with so I wouldn't have to go solo... and where people speak a language I understand...

Yet... it's been a good time with God. I love being on the mountains because when I am in nature, nothing can distract me... well... other than my own thoughts. There's not work to worry about, there's no school to make me anxious... there is not worldly standard to live up to... just me, my snowboard, the mountains, and God. I wish I could stay in that bubble awhile longer, I don't feel ready to be back in Hong Kong yet. I don't quite feel ready to tackle the struggles of work... or the stress of school... I'm not ready for the crowds of Hong Kong or the materialism... so what can I do? I really don't know.

I think Hong Kong is slowly killing me on the inside.... God help me.

Stretching of my heart...

2012-01-21T02:10:00.000+08:00

I need to stop reading these articles... or I need to read them more... :P This article gives some very interesting statistics.

But I totally agree with this line: "Condemning, stigmatising and criminalising abortion are cruel and failed strategies."

When I read this stuff... the amount of babies dying... and the amount of mothers dying... argh... it's all just so heart wrenching. I don't know how to get involved at the moment... so all I can do is continue to pray for the day when God will redeem this. For the day when life is treasured once again... when life matters more than choice...

On another note... I thought it was about time for me to change my pic, and my name... it made sense... and it is good. :)

I need to get outta here!!!

2012-01-19T12:15:00.002+08:00

*breathe in, breathe out* 3 more days... and I'm off to Niseko. Check out this article... apparently, it's gonna be some EPIC snow this season! So... thank-you God for my trip!

Anyone who's hitting the slopes this year, please be safe, and wear a helmut. Here's why.

Can't believe Edmonton is hitting -47 on the thermometer... well I believe it, I just feel bad for everyone there! Everyone in Alberta, please stay warm! But despite the cold weather, apparently the dump of snow up in Jasper has been pretty amazing, so make the most of the season guys! You'll regret it when you no longer live 4hrs drive from the Rockies.... *sigh*

Proposal would put roofs on outdoor rinks

2012-01-17T09:56:00.000+08:00

Community rinks... man I miss the sight of this. I WANT TO GO SKATING!!!... and I want to play some hockey!!! :P

Proposal would put roofs on outdoor rinks:

Edmonton's community leagues are considering a proposal to put a fabric roof on some outdoor rinks around the city.

Birthday Weekend!

2012-01-15T22:30:00.000+08:00

Wow... surprise birthday cake with Kimchi party after Friday class! Best surprise ever! :) I don't remember the last time I blew out candles!

What a birthday weekend! So I know birthday week started with me not wanting to do anything, but I finally got off my arse to plan some sort of birthday celebrations for Saturday. Tea party with some of my bestest ladies! Only to wake up that day to discover that my grandmother was heading into the hospital because they suspect stroke... but then suddenly when she was at the hospital, I get texts from my mother that she had fallen into a coma... and then she was in critical condition... so of course all plans out the window. Thanks so much for everyone who stood with me through out the whole day... happiest birthday yet, eh? :P

Long story short, she has since woken up, and we are awaiting them to remove all the pipes she's plugged into to be able to find out more concretely what had happened to her. Please continue to pray for health, she's quite weak. :(

At the same time, I have also found out that I will not be heading to Calgary, or anywhere in Canada for that matter for my placement.

Prayers for birthday this year included much about God wanting me to show me on an even deeper level just how much He loves me... and a promise of redemption (which has been the story of my life), that everything He has taken, He will return even better than before! God has promised that everything I wanted and dreamed of is just through the door and is within my grasp... I've already entered through the door, and everything is going to come to pass... but I also know that I will have to stand stronger and firmer on God's love than ever before... because the more my life aligns with God's will, the more the enemy will try to push me off course. GET BEHIND ME SATAN! I belong to Jesus, and He has already defeated you!


uhhh.... yah.... that thing creeps me out!

Tuesday Tossings...

2012-01-10T13:17:00.000+08:00

hahaha... I found the sock monkey hat... I want to buy... but makes no sense to buy...

birthday week has been rather uneventful this week due to my own lack of motivation to want to do anything. I worked all weekend this past weekend along with taking up playing keys Sunday morning which all resulted me in being physically drained as Monday rolled around. School also starts tonight which means it will be well past midnight before I will be happily tucked into my bed. *sigh*

so many reasons for why I dislike celebrating my birthday... or even acknowledging that day... yet I also have a small list of things that I want to do... oh the dilemma... let's see what happens. i do NOT wish a repeat of last years birthday celebrations... i finally saw some pictures from last year.... oh dear... I just looked angry! :P

marks are out... EEKS! made minimum cutoff to qualify for overseas placement... it's back in God's hands now.. well it's never left His hands... hahaha... so I guess it's now waiting for the next step from CUHK. still banking on being somewhere in Canada this summer... and banking that it's gonna be in Calgary! :P

some new changes coming up at work... not quite sure what this means for me just yet, but I will be affected directly. sitting on the fence... (oh and of course praying) whether in this next season I need to be staying at this job still.

Plus (small group)... I have made my return at Plus. for January birthday celebrations... which did not include my own. Hahaha... my Plus doesn't know when my birthday is. oh well... that was my own doing. it did end on a good time of prayer with a small group of what I have deemed the heart of the Plus... we are in God's hands, and that's a good place for our Plus to be in! :)

could really go for one of these right now... (picture from Starbucks)

2012 resolution... and one I plan on keeping because it will be beneficial all around: no buying shoes. I probably will still claim I have no shoes to wear... but that is most definitely never true.

potentially moving out... this could be very very interesting... and it's at a price that I almost cannot say no to... so let's see how this all pans out! :)

greiving sucks... that is all. I don't even know why this is considered greiving. blah.

The United States Eugenics Movement: Outrage and What We Can Learn

2012-01-06T11:50:00.000+08:00

Some of those things that I really care about and always seems to hit straight into my heart... yet issues that I don't know what I'd do if I was in the same situation. I'm curious... what would you do if our unborn child was tested to have a genetic defect or something? Would you choose to give up on them? Or would you give them a chance at life? Is "killing" them really protecting them from the cruel world? The more I read up on stuff like this... the more I realize that this is all out of our control. We can no more protect others than we can protect ourselves from the cruel world... only God can protect us.

The United States Eugenics Movement: Outrage and What We Can Learn:

Every January we rightly turn our attention to Roe v. Wade — the poorly argued Supreme Court decision that was driven by ideology rather than by actual case law.

It was not the first unjustly decided case that impacted tens of thousands of vulnerable lives.

In the early decades of the 20th century in the United States, there were deeply held prejudices against the three types of people: the poor, those with disabilities of all kinds, and people of color. These prejudices, along with their social and scientific acceptability, made up the fabric of what became known as the eugenics movement.

The argument went something like this: if only we could prevent the births of ‘feeble-minded’ people, we could have perpetual prosperity in a society governed by morally upright people.

Prominent people in law, government, media, business and the 'church' supported such efforts. State laws were enacted across the country to forcibly sterilize anyone considered unfit.

When the Courts Said Okay

It didn’t work. By the early 1920s, the eugenics sterilization movement in the United States seemed to be on its last legs. Eugenic sterilization laws in several states had been struck down by the courts. In Oregon, a populist movement prevented a law from being passed. Scientists in the new field of genetics called into question the conclusions of those who thought all ‘shiftless’ behavior was determined by heredity.

A proponent of eugenics, Dr. Harry Laughlin, reviewed all that was happening across the United States and determined what was really needed was a model law, backed by research, that would return eugenic sterilization to its former prominence. He wrote and published Eugenic Sterilization in the United States in 1922, a nearly 500 page tome on his research, which included language for a law he was certain would be acceptable to the courts.

Eugenic proponents in Virginia immediately took this language to the Virginia Legislature. A vulnerable young woman was chosen to test the law. Her legal representative actually supported the law rather than his client. The United States Supreme Court would eventually hear it. Their 1927 decision on Buck v. Bell didn’t just make legal an abhorrent practice, it breathed life into an entire international movement.¹

United States Law and Nazi War Crimes

By the time World War II began, 30 states had sterilization laws. Germany would use Dr. Laughlin’s model law language to create the Law for Protection Against Genetically Defective Offspring.

After the war, during the Nuremberg trials for Nazi crimes against humanity, lawyers for Nazi war criminals attempted to use the Buck v. Bell decision in their clients’ defense.

Don’t let that quickly go by you: Nazi war criminals who had terrorized, tortured and murdered millions of people attempted to use a decision of the United States Supreme Court as a defense for their forced sterilization program that was determined to be a crime against humanity.

Three Lessons Here

Thankfully, this practice has gone out of favor even though the decision has never formally been reversed. Our culture finds the practice repugnant, and laws have followed. Virginia repealed its law in 1974, but left open some compulsory sterilization until 1979. North Carolina finally repealed its law in 2003. There may still be laws in some states.

Here are three lessons I take away:

First, the god of this world doesn’t easily let go of his evil desires to destroy the most vulnerable among us. The eugenics sterilization movement was nearly dead until new life was breathed into it by just a few people who knew how to use legal, legislative and academic systems to their advantage. We should prepare, as Jesus told us: “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:16 ).

Second, it will not stand. When Christ returns, perfect justice will reign without challenge. Those who today are strong will no longer be able to rule over and abuse the weak without fear.

Third, until then, we must stand for the most vulnerable among us. Today, the most vulnerable human beings on the planet are those with disabilities in the womb. They have neither the law nor the culture siding with them.

Will you stand for them?

_______

¹I am grateful for Dr. Paul Lombardo’s work on the Buck v. Bell decision. Much of this discussion has come from his thorough history of that case, Three Generations, No Imbeciles: Eugenics, the Supreme Court and Buck v. Bell.
Recent posts from "The Works of God" —

An Unwed Teen with an Unplanned Pregnancy

One Way a Small Church Is Blessed

When the Whispers of Discontent Have No Chance

Up!

2012-01-03T12:20:00.000+08:00

Hahaha... this picture is so perfect, my finger is situated at just the right place... literal translation: everyday towards *insert finger pointing upwards* Please ignore the fact that my hand is in a mitt and it barely looks like I am pointing a finger.

As 2012 starts and as I look at this picture, I hope that in 2012 that everyday I will be able to move upwards, closer to my Father in heaven! My prayers for myself this year is that I will continue to learn to look upwards instead of sideways and down. I want to point people upwards, and not in any other direction through my actions, words and lifestyle. So... this shall be the picture of prophecy for 2012... a year of looking and moving upwards daily.

Trip to Shanghai has come and gone. Good times... much eating... and much sleeping, kinda. hahaha... but all around a pretty good trip. Pictures will be posted later when I get around to going through my pictures from the past 2 weeks of holidays.

'Tis no good....

2011-12-30T11:17:00.000+08:00

So the other morning, I woke up to the strangest dream. Actually scrap strange, it was just down right horrid. The only thing I could remember was a huge sense of dread because I was late for class but couldn't get on the train... and then I couldn't find the platform for the train, so I eventually never made it to class. To make matters worse, it meant I missed my exam... and oh my goodness, it just kept going in circles. Running late... missing exam... failing. Which all led to such feelings of stress and confusion when I woke up. :(

I am scared... I know that I'm not suppose to be scared or anxious, but I am. I terrified to get my marks back, I'm so friggin' scared outta my mind that I'm gonna get my stuff back from last semester and find out that I have failed everything and I won't be able to go on to semester 2. Call it irrational if you will... but my confidence has been shaken. Despite how many times God reminds me that He wants me to be in school and that He has placed me here for a reason, and that He has a plan for me in this season... I am still scared. I am still waiting for that door to slam in my face, and to heard a huge resounding "I told you so." An I told you so, in the sense of me hearing wrong from God, in the sense that I don't hear from God... and in the sense that this isn't what God had intended for me.

No matter how untrue or ungrounded these lies are, they ring in my head. I know that this sense of doubt is flowing into every other aspect of my life as well... and I need to deal with this. I need to deal with these feelings of doubt and fear. I think I just simply need to spend more time in the Word and with God. I'm going to be better at that this year, going to get back into a regular habit of fasting... Was just challenged this morning by Muslims and Hindis who fast and pray on a regular basis... so much more disciplined than I am as a Christian... so with that, I've been challenged, and I will set apart time for God... and keep to that. That is sacred time, and will be a non negotiable.

Anyways... I'm off to play in Shanghai this weekend, and to bring in 2012! Have a good weekend everyone, and I shall update ya'll in the new year! :)

BTW.. this is part of my bday wish list... :P so bad....

Emo is me... blah!

2011-12-28T17:57:00.000+08:00

Less than one month to go before I head to Hokkaido... to go snowboarding in Niseko, to check out some of the best powder in the world! But... the more I think about it... the more I get homesick for Alberta... :(

This is the time of the year when I miss being Alberta the most. Despite the cold... (although I heard it's been a rather warm Christmas) and large amounts of snow, I miss it. I miss it all. And this year has been worse than any other year... this will be my 5th season in a row of which I will not hit the slopes of Marmot Basin or Sunshine Village... and OMG I miss it so much! As I start to get ready for my trip... thinking of the snow... all I want to do is jump on the next plane for Canada, grab my buddies and go snowboarding... on the slopes that I know. Where I don't need to look at the terrain map because I already know the runs! hahaha... :P Why can't my placement be during winter time?! Why oh why?! Seriously winter 2013... anyone up for a Rockies run in Alberta?! We'll make a stop at Whistler on our way in... I'm booking ya'll now! (Speaking the girl who may have no money by then... :P)

Maybe I'm just tired. I'm tired of the crowds of Hong Kong... the noise, the rude people, the smells... the lack of space. The lack of fresh air... I'm tired of it all. Or perhaps, I really miss my friends... I miss the familiarity of them... I miss being around people with whom I need not explain what I am thinking or feeling... Whatever it is... I want to go back to Edmonton. At least for a little bit... do all the things that I love and am used to. Haha.. but there's also nothing to go back to... our house has been sold for years now... as have my car... So even if I go back, it wouldn't be the same. But still... I want to go. My whole family is here in Hong Kong... my home is here now... but there's still a part of me that would like to go back to Edmonton... I don't know if I could go back for good... but to spend some time there for a little while.

Argh... I dunno. I want to go SNOWBOARDING IN MARMOT BASIN NOW!!!!! So so so wish I could just get in a car and drive out there like... right now! *sigh*

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2011-12-25T21:51:00.003+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!!

Here's to another year of this blog... thanks for following and reading! Hope you're all having a good holiday and festive season with loved ones! :)

Advent Day 23

2011-12-23T10:08:00.000+08:00

Oops... I missed another day yesterday. :P I was busy dealing with shoeboxes... hahahaha...

This Cars2 shoebox is sooo cool! I just want the box... hahahaha... and I still have never seen the ToyStory 3 boxes... who needs to wrap the shoebox when it looks like this?!

And this was my job yesterday... trying to sort through all these shoeboxes and make sure they're organized for handing out! Much thanks to our donors! Some of these boxes look REAL nice! :)

Oh.. but back to the Bobble picture at the top! That's what I got from Steal the Bacon this year! Hahaha.... I mean Bacon and Egg's version of white elephant gift exchange... Steal the Bacon sounds better. Our game got so rowdy this year that the security came up and told us to keep it down.... hahahaha.... oh Bacon and Eggs... it's always a good time with you guys, thanks for having me back! :) It was like going home for Christmas and hangout with siblings! I seriously just felt so at home, and that was real nice. I love that despite how long I've been gone, that everytime I'm in the midst of you guys I feel so at ease and comfortable... you guys truly are family! This year, I did not have Steal the Bacon fail... no missing wine glasses!! Woohoo!!! :)

Can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Excited for some Pride and Prejudice action... with cheese and Martini Asti... it's gonna be a good night! :)

Advent Day 21

2011-12-21T11:55:00.001+08:00

So I was hanging out with Sky last night, and she gave me a fortune cookie! Hahaha... and THIS was the fortune inside the fortune cookie! Woohoo... we are gonna have a delightful trip to Shanghai!!! :)

I can't believe that Christmas is in another 4 days... where has December gone?! Tonight I get to join Bacon and Eggs for their annual Christmas party... and gift exchange! Always a riot.... I'm excited! It's like going home for Christmas! :)

Oh... and we did a spiritual gifts test thingy... and my top ones were: faith, mercy, pastor/teacher, exhortation... very interesting.

Don't got much else to say today... so that is all.

Advent Day 20

2011-12-20T10:03:00.001+08:00

Hahaha... this picture us such a riot. But I love it! Rainbow = God's covanent! What God promises, God will fulfill... He always keeps His side of the deal! Plus... there you have it, I'm awesome! :)

Advent Day 19

2011-12-19T11:45:00.000+08:00

Hahaha... oh dear, I am getting quite bad at this.

I had a very very busy weekend. Saturday it was worship practice for Christmas Carols Service on Sunday... rush off before finishing to get to work for the Christmas party... and was gonna run back to church for the prayer meeting, but the Christmas party ran late, so didn't end up going. Had dinner with coworker, and then stopped by games night... and left that early to go home and crash because I was completely knackered. I also had to be at church by 8:30 for soundcheck, so I thought I would try to get some early-ish and get some good rest.

Sunday was at church all day since I was playing for both services. It was a lot of fun, strings in church! Soooo nice! :) Still weird to be singing Christmas carols while there is no snow on the ground... but it's ok. Then after 4pm, it was Pyoo's farewell party... which concluded with late night eats in Quarry Bay with my beloved Wongs. Hahahaha... :)

And here we are at Monday... so weird when I come to work and clients come up to tell me, "I saw you on stage yesterday!"... yet this is my sphere of influence. This is my job... and these are the people whom I serve at the moment. Today work is rough... as Monday always are a bit crazy... especially chaotic today though! hahaha... so... I shall end here, and be a good worker and go back to my work now!

Advent Day 16

2011-12-16T17:05:00.001+08:00

Yay, I got through a full week of work, after being off for a whole week! :) Just got to do another half day tomorrow, and the weekend shall begin!

Today's verse of the day from the ESV:
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praises and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" ~ Psalm 30:11-12

Hahaha... I love it! :)

Anyways... more reflections after having completed one semester of school. I've come to realize that I have a very very strong defence mechanism. Or rather my instinct to protect myself is quite strong. One of my favourites... is dissociation. I am quite good at pretending I feel nothing when in reality I actually do feel something.... actually, this only works with postive emotions. I'm quite bad at hiding my bad emotions, ie if I am angry or upset about something. Well... depends on the situation... because I can also remain quite calm when I'm actually fuming in anger on the inside... depending on who I am talking to I guess.

Yes... but I do not like to betray that I am happy about something... for some reason I find that as a sign of vulnerability. I don't like people to know when something makes me happy... I am very good at dissociating... esp when I feel like it make me vulnerable... hmm... very interesting thought. Can one ever do TOO much self reflection?! hahaha... anyways.

On other things... I totally am not gonna finish the Bible before the end of 2011... I gave it a good go... and school got so friggin' busy... it was not cool to try to do the Bible in 90 days while also trying to do school and work all at the same time. I'm still stuck in Judges. I will try to do as much as I can over the holidays.... so maybe I can get closer to finishing the entire Bible... and hopefully this time it doesn't take me like 3 years to go from cover to cover! :P

Advent Day 15

2011-12-15T13:06:00.001+08:00

Wow... December is half over... 2 more weeks until 2012. Goodness gracious!

Being in school has made me realize a couple of things. One of the things is that I was brought up in an environment and way where I was expected to be in finance, a lawyer, a doctor or some type of health profession, or maybe teaching English at an International school. Hahaha... and perhaps living in midlevels, or trying to climb my way up there... married to an expat... blah blah blah... and here I am working at an NGO and trying to do my Master's in social work. :)

It's funny... there was a time when those really were my goals in life. To climb the corporate ladder.... to be in with the tai tais... and to evetually be a tai tai... hahaha... but now? Now I honestly just want to do God's work. Money is less important (I can't say it's not important cause I'm still human afterall)... I work less for the money and fame and recognition... and more just to know that I'm doing what God wants me to do. I want that to bring me satisfaction... and I want that to be enough.

Had dinner with ex coworkers... talking about people who are living in service apartments in Admiralty... and all paid for my company. I won't lie... there's a part of me that's envious of a life like that... but I look at what my coworkers are doing... and remember what I used to do... and all the stress and unhappiness that came with it... I'm glad that I'm no longer trying to climb the corporate ladder! :P

Anyways... just random thoughts for the day. It's been a busy morning, but did want to squeeze this in before I head off for the day... woohoo... afternoon of running around the NT... or rather ALMOST CHINA.... hahaha... I thought school was done and I no longer have to roam about up there..... apparently not! :P

Advent Day 14

2011-12-14T10:25:00.000+08:00

Sorry guys, I know I missed another day again yesterday. I was writing my final essay for the semester... and it was handed into veriguide at 11:59:24pm... no jokes! hahaha... it was due before midnight. :)

Okay... so since I've been writing my paper, now my mind has been thinking about abortions in Canada. Why Canada? Well... simply because that's where I am from, but also because of my last post, where I was talking about Plan B, and how it is quite easily accessible within Canada. In light of the recent events in the US regarding Plan B, I had decided to blog about my opinion and response to what people have been asking me.

So further to looking into the accessibility of Plan B in Canada, I went and did some research into abortions in Canada as well. Here is a site dedicated to information regarding this topic. Here you can learn about how MOST abortions in Canada are funded by taxpayers... thank-you to Canada's system of public health care. As a beneficiary of Canada's public health care for so many years, I have to say, it's wonderful! It's great to be able to go to the doctor and just show them my Alberta Health Care (AHC) card, and not have to worry about paying anything. It's costs me about $40 bucks a month? Can't remember, it was great! Knowing this, I also knew that abortions were covered my most provinces within the public health care system. So... I knew that taxpayers were providing for abortions in Canada. It suddenly made me realize that... well.. taxes are going towards killing our next generation. (I currently do not pay taxes, and still have not paid any due to tuition credit before I left... :P)

Did you also know that there are legal boundaries within Canada concerning abortions?! You can legally abort a baby at any point during a pregnancy... wow Canada... I never knew that you were so open. Of course each province has different guidelines, but these are not bound by any laws whatsoever. I think Canada if there was a time and place where we are being too PC... or too much avoidance of conflict... THIS may be one.

Here's another consideration though... abortions in Hong Kong costs money... and there are so many illegal abortion clinics who are willing to do it for you for cheaper. (Oh how lovely the free market is, where there is demand, there is supply... and competition will drive people to do anything to make money...) At the moment... for the health and safety of girls who decide have to have an abortion, despite the fact that taxpayers are paying for abortions in Canada, at least this way, we know that they are being conducted in safe and controlled environments... As much as I don't agree with abortions, I also don't like adding to the complications of the matter with illegal abortion clinics, which just add to the health problems of these ladies, where they may already be dealing with psychological problems as it is...

I don't yet (and I say yet because God promised that He's gonna give me plans and ways to deal with this) how to deal with the whole abortion issue, but I know that it's heavy on my heart, and it's definitely heavy on God's heart... so I'll continue to pray into this issue... until the day God releases into His plans for how we're gonna take back these babies for God!

This is why I'm in school... so I can study these things, and learn more about the issues... :P

Advent Day 12

2011-12-12T11:45:00.001+08:00

Vronca, today is your birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

So what's on my mind this morning... Plan B, the morning after contraceptive. Not because I need it, thank-you very much, but because several people have asked me what I think about what happened in the States. You know what my answer was? Did you know that in Canada, Plan B is actually available over the counter in most provinces without any age restrictions?! So, in that respect, you can say the US is actually much more conservative on this matter... oh and to add to it, it's covered by most medical insurance plans. Yes... thank-you Canada.

So, I'm really sorry my American friends, but I couldn't care less what Obama endorsed or didn't endorse this past week. The problem doesn't lie within whether this drug is available or not to our teenagers... honestly, if people really wanted access to something, they will find a way. If you ask me... my opinion towards Plan B, is the same as that I hold towards "the Pill." It's a contraceptive people... it's the same as a friggin' condom... sorry if you're offended, but those are my thoughts. I am not going to start waging a war on which types of contraceptive is right, or wrong. I wish to wage a war on attitudes towards sex. For me, what I want to know is whether these teenagers understand what sex does... and how their actions and choices are affecting how their search for their own identity.

Anyways... I'm not gonna waste my thoughts and efforts here... I'm going to pour that energy into the paper that I'm writing... because that's actually what I am trying to write about!!! So... back to my paper.

Advent Day 11

2011-12-11T21:19:00.001+08:00

Circles... I'm back to that word circles today. Hahaha... I know before Clarissa said that it's not so much we are going in circles, but that we are in spiral going upwards towards God... and it's true. But it's still that circular motion that I'm fixed upon at the moment. I see a lot of repetition which all points towards a particular direction... but I don't quite understand it, so I'm gonna just leave it at the altar and pray and see what God means.

God redeemed something this week... and I didn't realize how much of it was a redemption until today. 2 years ago God took something away from me... this year, He's given it back to me... and I didn't even realize it until it hit me in the face! I don't want to get into too much, ask me if you really want to know more details!

So today was also our church's Christmas Pagent... I was expectant a quiet afternoon of just enjoying the story of Christmas with my church family here in Hong Kong... but for some reason, God decided that He wanted to break my heart today... He hinted at it last night, but He made it so blatantly clear tonight... and He completely broke my heart! I don't know why God wants me to pray for this particular person, and I won't lie... this is like the LAST person I want to be praying for at this moment... but I'll be obedient, and I will pray. God showed me His heart (like I'm always praying for Him to do so)... and oh my goodness... it was so overwhelming. God loves... so so so so so... much! That doesn't even do it justice... if I could show you that love that He showed me today... no words could describe, and I shall pour out that love towards that person in the only way that is possible... through prayer. (OH... but I really don't want to pray.... so so so hard!!!!)

Advent Day 10

2011-12-10T10:45:00.001+08:00

Wow... I've been quite bad at keeping up with this, so so sorry! I blame it on illness and exams!

Yay! I've finished my exams for my first semester of grad school! They weren't quite as bad as I had anticipated... but my hand hurts from writing for 2 hours straight 3 times in one week... And it's not just leisure writing... it's writing frantically for 2 hours almost non-stop! Last night I wrote down everything I could remember... went back to revise... and continued to add information back in through the cracks... oh my goodness... and I don't even know if I managed to write everything that was needed! Now I just need to finish my 1800 word essay for Human Behaviour and the Environment, and I'm done my first semester of grad school!

After the craziness of the week, the classmates and I went to celebrate by taking up 3 large tables for hotpot in MK. Oh my goodness, I haven't laughed so hard in so long. It was a nice way to finish off the semester, and always nice to get to know my classmates better. So strange... usually in a crowd, I am the one who is be loud and crazy... but when I'm with the classmates, I tend to remain relatively quiet and under the radar. Well... not strange, it's mainly because my Chinese does not allow me to keep up with the conversation. :P I also find it quite fascinating that they find ME so fascinating... question of the night "Do you have hotpot in Canada?" Hahaha... it's like asking if there's hamburgers in Hong Kong... cute.

So yesterday I was having brain shut down day, and just couldn't get into studying. All I kept having play in my head was the tag (I even broke out the guitar!):
"All I want is
Just to know your heart
And may you keep me here
Until we're one"
That was pretty much all I could think about all day... and the other part of that tag:
"It's just a little while longer and I'll see you
It's just a little while longer and I'll know you
It's just a little while longer and we'll be together"

And suddenly yesterday during my exam (yes... God apparently speaks also during exams while I'm trying to squeeze out all that I had crammed into my head), it dawned on me. These words represent the cry of my heart so so well. My desire in pursuing this education in social work is basically to know His heart. I want to learn more about the heart beat of God... the things that break in his heart... and what his plans and purposes are for me in this area. And I need God to keep me in school until I've learned all that He wishes me to know, and my will is aligned with His. So as I sat there in the middle of my exam, I was suddenly overwhelmed by how this is ALL God. I write these exams not to please my professors for marks, but I write these exams for God. I will write down the words that He wishes me to write, and I will learn the things that He wishes for me to learn... I am in school for God, to please God, and to glorify God and for no one else and no other purpose. What a huge load that was off my chest... to suddenly know that I answer to God... and instead of asking myself "What does my professor want me to answer to this question?" I find myself asking "God, how would you like me to answer this question?" Most people will think I'm pretty dumb for thinking like this... but I know that this is right.

Then the other part is simply a promise from God that it's just gonna be a little while longer before I get to walk out the dreams and passions that He has given me. Which means that I'll get to see more of God, I'll get to know Him deeper, and I'll get to walk even more in alignment with God! What a beautiful revelation from my Father in heaven! And I feel like these words not only relate to school stuff... but also to other things that God has been speaking to me about lately as well! I am so floored when I think and ponder the ways in which my Father loves me!

Advent Day 8

2011-12-08T14:58:00.001+08:00

Another exam done! Woohoo! I honestly that's the most confident I have felt about a final exam in a real long time! I don't think I got 100% or anything... but I don't feel like I could've done that badly! I was pretty confident about at least half of the multiple choice questions... and I am NEVER confident about multiple choice... it's always been the bane of my exams life...

Thank-you God that even in this He reminds me that I'm a new creation. I've been able to eat... and not want to throw up before my exams, my stomach doesn't feel like it's in constant knots at all times... it's nice! Perhaps it has something to do with feeling less overwhelmed cause I've been off from work all week, and I have to worry about is my exams! Regardless, I'm less anxious and I'm more confident than I've ever been during finals! :)

I did check in with work today though... and found out something that makes me real angry! Why is my coworker being bullied at work?! When the same thing happens to 2 different people, I think there is now a problem with our office and our working environment and it's time that something is done about it before we lose another good hard working staff.... Argh... so angry... and God, this is something i don't know how to deal with... or work out at the moment, so I will let it go and hope that you'll help!

One more exam... Integrated Social Work Practice I tomorrow.... I will conquer you as well because God is on my side... and with God by my side... nothing can take me down! :)

Advent Day 6

2011-12-06T21:50:00.001+08:00

Finally gave in today, and went to visit the doctor. Drugs seem to be working.... hope this is the final stretch and that I actually get better by this weekend!

Wrote my first final last night.. felt like my hand was gonna fall off from writing non stop for 2 hours... and don't feel too great about the exam... but oh well. It's done, gotta let go and move on to studying for the next exam!

Haven't been thinking too much lately... just studying... and sleeping... and more sleeping than studying... so hopefully I'll still be able to do okay on my exams! :P

Advent Day 5

2011-12-05T12:24:00.000+08:00

Okay... here I am trying to make up for lost time. Day 3 (aka this past Saturday) was spent in bed... literally all day. I woke up ate, and went back to sleep... woke up, had lunch, went back to sleep... woke up to reply to random texts... went back to sleep.... and now I am paying for my day of trying to kill this flu... 5 hours left to cram for my final exam tonight! And well... yesterday was spent at Tim and Jess' wedding... so also no time for getting better and studying...

And now here I am, Monday afternoon... fighting this flu (I think it's actually become bronchitis)... and trying to cram as much facts on Social Welfare and Social Policy as I possibly can... and hopefully not fall asleep... cause I really want to crawl back into bed right now....

Helping You Sing “Hallelujah” with True Exuberance

2011-12-05T12:06:00.000+08:00

Helping You Sing “Hallelujah” with True Exuberance:

The English word “hallelujah” is a transliteration of two Hebrew words, "hallelu" and "jah". The first word, "hallelu", is the second person imperative of “praise.” The second word, "jah," is the short form of "Jahweh" (or "Yahweh").

So when we say, “Hallelujah!” we are exhorting others (people and angels) to join us in praising Yahweh.

What gives a punch to my singing, “Hallelujah,” is that Jah (= Yahweh) is not a generic word for God, but the personal name of the God of Israel.

To shout, "Hallelu Jah!" — "Praise Jah" — is like standing in the council of the gods and boldly saying, “Not to you, Molech!” “Not to you, Baal!” “Not to you, Dagon!” “Not to you, Artemis!” “Not to you, Zeus!” But to Jah, and Jah alone, I give praise. And I call you to join me! Praise Jah!

And not only is Jah God’s personal name, but it is the one he gave himself to distinguish himself from all the gods. And it is thrilling in meaning.

When Moses asked God what name he should use to identify God in Egypt, God said, “I am who I am. Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I am has sent me to you’” (Exodus 3:14).

The name Yahweh is built on the words “I am”. So God put his absolute, transcendent, self-sufficient being at the center of his identity. “All the gods of the peoples are worthless idols, but Yahweh made the heavens” (Psalm 96:5).

So, the next time you sing “Hallelujah” pause for a split second between “hallelu” and “Jah” and say it like a name. We praise you . . . Jah! You are above all gods . . . Jah! Join me, all you heavenly hosts, and praise . . . Jah! He is! He simply, eternally, absolutely, independently, gloriously Is! Hallelu . . . Jah!

________

Advent Day 2

2011-12-02T13:18:00.001+08:00

Hello December 2.

This time of the year is so crap for me, I always tend to get sick. Right now... I'm drugged up on Nyquil and Dayquil... I feel so groggy when I'm drugged, and I've only taken HALF the recommended dosage! Oh dear. Anyways... sore throat seems to have resided... or at the very least, the drugs are working, and it doesn't hurt as much when I swallow! FTW!

So today I have been thinking about something... I think I have been conditioned to think that being loved is a bad thing. This means I receive badly... or sometimes I am incapable of receiving love and care from others. My parents were so careful about making sure I didn't get spoiled, that I got in trouble everytime my grandparents or aunts bought me stuff. If we get gifts it must have been because we had asked for it, and therefore we are bad children because we asked for stuff... and good children don't ask for things.

I remember one time when I came back to Hong Kong and my aunt took me shopping for new shoes because the pair I had come back with were so worn out. I felt so guilty when I came home... and I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I should've rejected harder, I should've said no louder...

Sh*t... I'm so messed in the head! This explains why I don't actually know how to react when people give me what I ask for... as a gift. Like when I got my Macbook... or my Kindle... I actually went home feeling quite guilty. I've actually been conditioned to hide all my gifts from my parents because I expect a lecture when I get home. "Why would you let people buy you that? Bad child!"

Where does this leave me? In a place where I feel like I can't ask for anything. BFF's November gifts left me feeling so loved... but at the same time quite guilty. It didn't help much when someone asked "Why are you getting November gifts?" (It was said in a tone that sounded like, why would anyone want to give you gifts?) It really made me think, "Oh no, I've done something wrong again. People think that I'm a horrible person, and that I shouldn't be loved on by my friends." When people love on me, I have to fight every mental muscle within my brain to stop the need to reject it. And sometimes I lose... and I do reject it.

Bah... when people care about me, I feel like I've some how taken advantage of them. This might explain why I bawl my eyes out everytime God loves on me. There is so much love, yet there is also this overwhelming feeling of guilt inside of me... I know part of it is acceptable because it reminds me that I am nothing, and God is everything. God gave me a beautiful picture last week... and we prayed that I would take it, and I would have faith and walk it out with God. BUt I'll be honest... I am fighting. The feeling that I've done something wrong for accepting such a beautiful gift from God... to receive from God exactly what I had asked him for.

I want to be free to receive without that feeling of guilt, to be happy... and to feel loved... without that feeling of guilt... wow... God dug deep today. I don't quite know where to take this... alright... more CBT on myself as I study for finals. Good practice for integrative practice class! :|

Advent Day 1

2011-12-01T08:37:00.001+08:00

And... here we are again at December 1... and I have decided to try what I did last year, which is to blog everyday as a countdown to Christmas! :) I've decided to open my ducky calendar from the BFF for the occasion, and to share a picture of it with all ya'll. Isn't he the cutest?! I'll be honest, I've left him at home because I'm afriad to bring it into work... I am very afraid that it'll get stolen....

As I enter into the last month of 2011, I am finishing my first semester of school, and well... God has been digging quite deep into my past. I feel that this is something that I'll need to put down before I enter into 2012. So in hopes of helping do that, I've decided to start countdown with a little background info.

I was born in Hong Kong... but God hasn't been speaking much about those couple of years... and well.. I don't remember too many of those years anyways. At the age of 7.... my parents moved me here. Oh St.Albert (for hockey fans, this is where Mark Messier and Jarome Iginla are from...) I miss this place, I really do. They have the bestest farmer's market ever!!! The bestest hill for toboganning... and all around, it was just a nice place. Not too many I talk to nowadays knows me from those years of when I lived out in St.Albert. Yet... there were things that had happened in those years (before I met God) that He is wanting me to deal with. It's been interesting.

One thing I do know is that I was quite blessed. This is my elementary school:

I don't know if that's what it still looks like... but that's definitely what that front patch looked like when I was still at the school. I should know... we used to spend our recesses and lunch hours sitting out there! One of those windows used to be my old classrooms! My grade 4 teacher is still teaching there, according to the website! Would be interesting to go take a stroll around the school, no? My name should be in there on a plaque... hahaha for my Citizenship Award in grade 6! :) This school is probably hands down, the one reason I am as CBC (Canadian Born Chinese) as I am. There were like NO Chinese people other than my brother and I. The closest I got was my best friend who was mixed! But I'm glad that I grew up in this place... as opposed to the education system here in Hong Kong.

Irony is that I would have never ended up at this school had we gone by school zones and I wasn't a new immigrant! Since ESL (English as a Second Language) was still quite a new program in the St.Albert Protestant school board, we had to travel to this school so that we could take ESL. I'm glad that's where I went... I even met some people who lived by me, and went to the elementary school near me when I entered Junior High and my mom insisted that we moved to a school closer to home (this school was elementary, jr high school). Anyways... that too was an interesting year, but I put up a pretty good fight to not move because I didn't want to have to make new friends. It didn't matter... I was only there a year before my parents decided to move out of St.Albert and into Edmonton. (St.Albert is considered greater Edmonton Area...)

This is a beautiful place... if you're ever in the Edmonton area, take a drive out there and see for yourself. And if you're around on a Saturday morning, go check out the Farmer's market! I used to take drives out there just for fun... or when I needed some space. A lot happened in those 5 years that I was in that school (I did grade 1 in Hong Kong)... I learned a lot and mastered the language of English! This is also where I discovered my love of writing... to which my mother shut down by telling me I would never amount very far as an author because I had poor grammar. This haunts me still... and her response to my poor grammar was to make me do exercise books... my own personal response... journal about my dislike and discontent at my mother's lack of support for my dreams... My teachers were so supportive! They let me go to this Creative Writer's conference that the city puts on for young people... and I LOVED it! BUT... for those of you who have spoken with me within the past month or so... you'd know that God is redeeming this! :) God wants to use my writing...

These are the things that God is calling me to deal with... that is one of many. There are some other ones... but it's good. Because I want to be free of these memories which actually still haunt me some... *ahem* years later. It's time to remember the good times and forget the bad times of elementary school. (School terms, I feel like I'm using CBT on myself...) I think I get to enter into 2012 even more free, and more renewed than any other year yet.... God is removing more! He is so so so so good to me! I'm on a very specific walk with my Father at the moment... He is taking down a walkway (which isn't far or long, I hope)... and it's so so so beautiful!

I am excited for what's next, this is gonna be good! :) Wish I could just drive up to the school and sit in front of it, or in the field to ponder all this and sort all this out... Although I heard it's been quite cold out there... and there was snow the other day... hahahaha... I'd have to be bundled up pretty warm to sit outside.

Lukewarm...

2011-11-30T11:38:00.001+08:00

"The essence of lukewarmness is the statement, 'I need nothing.' The lukewarm are spiritually self-satisfied. To find out whether you are among that number, don't look into your head to see if you think that you are needy; rather, look at your prayer life. It doesn't matter what we think in our head, the test of whether we are in bondage to spiritual self-satisfaction is how earnest and frequent and extended our prayers for change are.

Do you seek the Lord earnestly and often in secret for deeper knowledge of Christ, for greater earnestness in prayer, for more boldness in witness, for sweeter joy in the Holy Spirit, for deeper sorrow for sin, for warmer compassion for the lost, for more divine power to love? Or is the coolness and perfunctoriness of your prayer life Exhibit A that you are spiritually self-satisfied and lukewarm?" ~ John Piper

the class comforter

2011-11-28T12:36:00.001+08:00

this is so friggin cute....
i love that kids are being taught to care and love on each other! LOVE IT!!!
... and I really want that touque... never too old to put a sock monkey on your head! :P

the class comforter:

It’s not uncommon in grade school for each student to be assigned a class job that rotates every week, but some of the jobs in Claudine’s kindergarten class have been a bit unusual. See her up there at a recent field trip to the park to sketch some trees? She’s the “class comforter”. What’s that you ask? She comforts her fellow classmates when they need comforting, of course. When I asked her what the job entailed she told me,”well, I take care of them if they are crying or sad and pat them on the back and say ‘it’s ok’.”

Damn. I think we all could use a class comforter by our side right about now.

2011-11-25T12:57:00.001+08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends! :) As usual, I've managed to score more than one turkey dinner within one weekend... I dunno how this happens, but it does. The record I believe still stands at 4 turkey dinners in one weekend... or something like that. :P I LOVE turkey... or does turkey love me? I don't think it's the turkey that draws me... but the fun of sitting at a table full of food with people I love... that's the fun of thanksgiving (Canadian or American), sitting with my friends for a meal, and just hanging out...

So I have finally made it to Friday... tonight I do my second and last group presentation for this semester. This weekend I write my group paper... and then one more paper for Human Behavior, and 3 more finals... and first semester shall come to an end! Wow...

It hasn't been a breeze getting to this Friday though, and last week was such a nightmare. Exactly one week ago, I was sitting at my desk at home, fighting a nasty cough, surviving on a 3 hour nap from 3am to 6am, and on a race against time to format and finalize my paper for Integrative Social Work Practice... It was NOT fun to lose all of my work (which was half my paper) at 11pm on a Thursday night when your paper is due Friday at noon... but God was gracious, and the paper was finished... (only 2 hours late). This week... still fighting that nasty cough, and other physical ails...

Back to last week... so despite God repeatedly reminding of His calling and purposes for my life... I always find myself in a state of self pity. I see other girls around me... walking out their purposes... living out their dreams... and as I watch their dreams come alive for them I find myself wondering and asking God, "what about me? when's my turn?" I know God will fulfill his promises for me, He reminds me all the time... yet I fall and stumble. Still, I struggle with wanting to see it all come alive now... to see the dreams become reality... keyword being NOW.

Thank goodness that my God is relentless. His grace is relentless... his patience is relentless... his love for me is relentless. Despite how bratty I am being, how grouchy I am being... God continues to wrap his arms around me to reaffirm, to reassure... He never gets tired of me. This past Sunday was one of those days... I was so tired... and felt so alone in all that I was feeling and going through... and He came and held me and reminded me that I am never alone, and that He is my strength... My dreams and promises will have their time and place to become reality, but right now I just need to stay faithful and keep taking each step that God lays ahead of me. He will take care of ALL of it.

Challenge...

2011-11-20T22:58:00.001+08:00

Have you ever seen Mona Lisa Smile? I love that movie... I used to hate admitting that out loud, but you know what? There is nothing wrong with loving that movie! That movie touches me to the very core of who I am. I'm not gonna give you a description of what the movie is about, you can wiki it if you want... or just watch the movie yourself.

Don't get me wrong... I'm definitely not a feminist... but the movie inspires me... because Katherine Watson (played by Julia Roberts) dares to ask aloud the questions that were on the girls' minds. She dared to challenge the women of that generation to look beyond what the wold told them they needed... to look beyond what the world told them made them successful!
She desired only one thing... which was to get them to think outside of the box! To think outside of the box, yet at the same time look inside themselves to see what was there. Be who you want to be, and not what the world tells you to be!

Women of this generation... we are not that much more free that the women of the 1950's. We are not any less bound by our insecurities... and how the world around us loves to play on those insecurities to get us to do what they want, to buy what they want... The trap set by the enemy back then is not any less different than the one set by him now... he is STILL playing on our insecurities!

The challenge remains... to look beyond the expectations of the world and standards of the world to see that we are of much more worth than that. GOD is your creator, and He is not someone who makes mistakes! That is simply where your worth lies... that you are His creation and He deems you perfect by the blood of Christ on the cross. To look beyond worldly expectations to find that purpose that your creator made you for.

I honestly believe that the ongoing battle is for the worth of women. That is the battle that the enemy has called on women... he wants us to find our worth in men, in material goods, in our jobs, in our children, in how well we keep our home... God calls us to find our worth in "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit." It's a tough battle, but victory is ours through Christ... so stand and fight! I dare you to take a good look inside your heart, and to ask God to reveal to you the true purpose that He has for you! I double dare you!

Be You

2011-11-11T15:32:00.001+08:00

Wow... Desiring God Blog... you did it again... you've just put into words all that I have been thinking about and pondering over for the last while... and it hit straight through the heart... ouch! But in a good way. :)

Be You:

“Lord, what about this man?” (John 21:21)

Peter asked Jesus this question when he learned that Jesus had ordained very difficult things for Peter’s future. So Peter wanted to know about John. Was Jesus going to give John a better deal?

Jesus responded, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me” (John 21:22)! In other words, How I deal with John is not your concern, Peter. If I deal differently with him, you must trust me. I want you to be faithful to the calling I have given you.

“What is that to you?” This is a question you and I need to be asked every day. Because how God deals with other people is frequently of excessive concern to us.

The fallen part of our nature doesn’t look at others and see the glory of imago dei (Genesis 1:27). It doesn’t revel in their unique refraction of God’s glory. It doesn’t want to rejoice in the sweet providences God grants to them, especially if we are experiencing a bitter providence. It is not grateful for their God-given strengths. It does not want to deal gently with their weaknesses (Hebrews 5:2). Being full of pride and selfish ambition it sees others mainly in relation to itself. It uses other people as gauges to measure success or failure; justice or injustice.

Oh the tyranny of selfish comparison! Of using others as tools to gauge our worth! “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death” (Romans 7:24)?

“Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 7:25)!

Do you hear gospel in Jesus’ words, “You follow me”? It’s a declaration of liberation. Christ died to make you “free indeed” (John 8:36). And this includes freedom from slavery to comparison.
God had you in mind when he created you (Psalm 139:13-16). He knew what he was doing. You — and your “stuff” and your circumstances — are not an accident. God does not want you to be someone else. Nor does he want you to follow someone else’s path. Yes, he’s aware of your deficiencies (more than you are). And, yes, he’s calling you to grow in grace (2 Peter 3:18).

But Jesus wants you to be you.

And you are your truest you, not when you are measuring yourself against someone else (or analyzing yourself at all for that matter), but when your eyes are fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2) and you are following him in faith. And when you are serving others in love with the grace-gifts God has assigned to you (Romans 12:4-8).

So, no matter what today holds, be free from saying in your heart, “Lord what about this man?” For Jesus chose you (John 15:16), promised to supply all that you need (Philippians 4:19), and wants you to simply follow him.

And if you humble yourself under his mighty hand, trusting him to redeem all your suffering, “thorns” (2 Corinthians 12:7) and weaknesses, he will exalt you at the proper time (1 Peter 5:6).
________

Recent posts from Jon Bloom —
Jesus Wants You to Waste Your Life
Jesus Died Because He Loved You
The Day of Your Deliverance Is Decreed

Monday Morning Musings...

2011-11-07T09:16:00.002+08:00

God woke me up early this morning again... and told me that He missed me, and that He has lots to tell me, I just need to make the time to open up His word. So I did the only thing that made sense... I rubbed the sleepies out of my eyes and opened by Bible.

Okay... confession... I don't think there was anything terribly profound, but God made me smile this morning, because this verse totally made me laugh: "And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and dung came out." (Judges 3:21-22, ESV) What happened to Eglon the king of Moab wasn't very funny cause that kinda sucks... but the way it was described was REALLY funny! It was like a really gruesome scene from a movie... It simply reminded me that my God is the best script writer ever! If God can write something like that into the Bible, there's nothing that He cannot write into my life... That my encouragement from God this morning. That as I continue to let go of the pen of my life, and allow Him to hold the pen of my life, to write out my story, He will continue to write out a story that will blow my mind... Not only will it completely blow me away, but it will stand as a testament of God's hand over my life. It will stand as a testament of how amazing my God is!

You know what? Usually this is where I start talking about how scared I am... and how I'm gonna piss my pants... but you know what, I'm just excited, humbled and honoured that my God wants to use me. I don't feel scared... I've decided that I just want to be available... I WANT TO BE USED BY MY GOD!!! So... BRING IT!!!!!

Last night I had a thought: Open doors are meant for walking through, and not for enjoying the view... those are called windows. When God opens a door, I'm telling you... you better take that step through it! If you're just gonna stand there and ponder about now nice it looks on the other side, but dunno if you want to go into it... that door's gonna slam in your face! Well, it might not slam in your face... but God opens doors for a reason... he means for us to walk through them, so why are you just standing there?! If God opens the door... then he's gonna walk with you through it, he's not gonna push you through and them slam the door and say "Got you sucker!"... He's NOT like that! He wants YOU to make the decision to walk through yourself, but He will walk with you through it and through all that you will encounter once you've walked through the door! He will never leave you, nor forsake you! Trust him!!!!

Other thought this morning.... does anyone else want to start dancing in the streets or on the mtr when they hear their favourite praise song play on their ipod?! Cause I always have these urges. Especially when David Crowder comes on.... I always just want to start throwing up my hands in worship.... and start jumping up and down and dancing in joyful glee! :P

And it's just You and me...

2011-11-07T00:57:00.000+08:00

I was listening to this song today while I was doing research for my group project... and the words spoke straight into the depths of my heart!

Take my heart, I lay it down
At the feet of you who's crowned
Take my life, I'm letting go
I life it up to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights, be my everything

And it's just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

You should see the view
When it's only You

It's just Him and I here right now... and that's all that matters.

The Cecil Mix...

2011-11-06T01:15:00.001+08:00

I was in the mood for some Green Day and was looking for my Nimrod CD but couldn't find it... :( BUT... I found the Cecil Mix. (And random Korean music CD from random Korean guy in Seoul...) Anyways, the Cecil Mix used to play in my '95 Accord... when it was still the original cassette deck... with the car kit attached to my old school ghetto CD player! I had this CD player from when Discmans first came out!!! The Cecil Mix was compiled by my dear pastor when I was sporting my role as church grunt and would give him random rides... and he disliked my choice of music I was blasting in my car (What's wrong with 50 cent?!) Hahahaha.... and so here is the Cecil Mix:

Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel (Yes... he went there.)

Clocks - Coldplay

History Maker - Delirious

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand - Primitive Radio Gods

J Train - TobyMac

Jump Around - House of Pain

God of Wonders - City On A Hill

Feel - Robbie Williams

Forever - Chris Tomlin

In My Place - Coldplay

With Every Breathe (Songs of Worship and Praise) - Sixpence None The Richer & Jars of Clay

Here With Me - Dido

Like a Child - Jars of Clay

Surrendering - Alanis Morissette

God is a DJ (Dancefloor Decade 1990-2000) - Faithless

Hahahaha... I've really missed this CD... I'm gonna pull out these songs and listen to them. Good times... that was one of the best summers ever... the summer pre-round 2 of insanity... before I hit rock bottom and the turning point of my life... The summer where after working in the church wondered what I could do with that because I enjoyed it so much! I know all the politics and whatever that exists, but I loved the whole entire experience. Yet, I didn't want to do church admin and wasn't so sure about being a pastor. :P God's been kinda talking about church work again, but He hasn't confirmed anything about it yet.... so I will keep waiting on Him. In the end, it doesn't matter as long as I'm doing HIS work, then it's all good. As much as I get frustrated at my job... I still love it, and am so thankful to God for this job! I also love what I'm getting to study at school... so I'm on path, I know it! So this could ONLY lead to HIS work!

In the mean time... that was my random trip down memory lane... good memories. Maybe Cecil Mix will become my new studying music.... :) It'll remind me of my days when I was student and pull out that part in me! (Did I just age myself?!)

This ain't new.. but just wanted to share :)

2011-11-02T23:49:00.001+08:00

Dear Future Husband,

I would like to share this video with you... I really liked it. Hahaha... :)

The Power of the Gospel and Marriage - John Piper from Together for the Gospel (T4G) on Vimeo.

Love,
Your Future Wife

Fall Love...

2011-11-01T17:24:00.001+08:00

I love fall... I love the crisp cold air that shocks my lungs when I step out the door in the mornings... I miss seeing my breathe in the air. I love sweaters and hoodies and touques and mittens! (hmm.. I have a feeling I might not be a summer person...)

I love the colours of fall... as the leaves turn from green to red, orange and yellow.I love the crunching of the leaves underneath my feet. :) I even love looking out the window in the morning to see that the frost has left it's mark, and everything is covered in a white glitter.

I would like to live in a place with distinct seasons... where fall is defined by the cool air and changing colours, winter has snow, spring is the warming of the air and budding of colours again... and summer is... green and hot.

Oh fall... when will we reunite? I miss you. I want to be able to be in my jeans and hoodie and not feel disgustingly hot still... it is November after!

Happy first day of November!

Jesus Wants You to Waste Your Life

2011-10-29T10:54:00.000+08:00

Goodness gracious... as I read this, I felt chills up and down my spine.

Jesus Wants You to Waste Your Life:

Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair (John 12:3).

Judas simply could not fathom Mary’s ridiculous decision.

During dinner she had just dumped all that rare perfume on Jesus’ feet! Almost a year’s wages now puddled on the dirty floor. Completely wasted!

“Why was this ointment not sold for three hundred denarii and given to the poor?”

How noble. But Judas wasn’t concerned for the poor. “He said this not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief and being in charge of the moneybag he used to help himself to what was put into it” (John 12:6). Judas was concerned for Judas.

Both Mary and Judas had hedonistic motives. Neither was driven by stoic duty. Both pursued the treasure they believed would make them happy. To Mary, Jesus was the priceless Pearl (Matthew 13:45). She wanted that Pearl more than anything. To Judas, thirty pieces of silver was a fair price for the Pearl.

Judas’s sin wasn’t that he wanted happiness. His sin was believing that having money would make him happier than having Christ.

O Judas, the tragedy of your value miscalculation! The Pearl worth more than the entire universe sat in front of you and all you could see were perfume puddles. You grieved a year’s wages while squandering infinite, eternal treasure!

Jesus leads all his disciples to watershed moments like Mary’s and Judas’. They are designed to make us count this cost: “Whoever loves his life loses it. And whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life” (John 12:25). These moments force us choose what we really believe is gain. And the choices we make reveal whether we value the Pearl or puddles.

If we choose the Pearl, we hear in Judas the world’s appraisal of us. They watch as time, intellects, money, youth, financial futures, and vocations are poured out on Jesus’ feet. They watch them puddle on the floors of churches, mission fields, orphanages, and homes where children are raised and careers are lost. And what they see is foolish waste. Do not expect their respect.

Jesus wants you to waste your life like Mary wasted her perfume. For it is no true waste. It is true worship. A poured out life of love for Jesus that counts worldly gain as loss displays how precious he really is. It preaches to a bewildered, disdainful world that Christ is gain and the real waste is gaining the world’s perfumes and losing one’s soul in the process (Matthew 16:26).

So, in what way are you wasting your life today?

________

Hump Day Happenings...

2011-10-26T16:00:00.002+08:00

It's been a rather... slow week. Taking a sick day always throws me off track... so yesterday I indulged and took a sick day... well... less indulgence... I just couldn't get out of bed due to body aches.... So I eventually decided to stop fighting my body and just let it rest and went back to sleep.

Today, back at work... but still rather drained of energy (but I refuse to give into coffee today!). Spent the morning going through some lady's flat for stuff to sell at the upcoming AWA fair. If you're in Happy Valley on November 8th, and need something to do... come check it out! :) Old Chinese ladies can be so cute... but they are so amazingly frustrating to deal with! They function in a whole realm that is seperate from us... I'm convinced. This is my love-frustrated relationship which I have with my grandmother. I love her... she's my grandmother, but she frustrates me like no other! Sometimes I also wonder if those of us who didn't grow up in Hong Kong have too huge a culture gap with our grandparents, that they don't relate to us and we don't relate to them.

Heading off early (not really early, cause it's still work) to a HER fund meeting and then brainstorming session afterwards... hope it ends early... I have tonne of stuff I want to do for school tonight... or should I just skip the brainstorming session so I can get some HW done?

School stuff aside, I had a pretty crazy weekend of weird messages. Hahaha... maybe less weird, just... deeper understanding of things God had already revealed awhile back. So, God continues to speak about the diamond picture. This weekend, He decided that he would tie it in with one of favourite verses: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." (Matthew 5:8)... this is a very very special verse to me (I even blogged about it awhile back.), and this time God has tied this in with the picture of a diamond. Diamonds, which are pure, are rare and precious. I know I will never reach complete purity until I reach heaven, but even for God put these things into my heart... that is a very high compliment. I'm still processing because I feel so unworthy of such a compliment from my God.

Weekend also contained more random catch-ups/hangouts with Edmonton people. God is totally making me miss Edmonton... or just people in Edmonton. It's very interesting to just see and chat with people who have either watched me grow up, or grown up with me. Loving all of it, and embracing it all for what it is! :) So God, does this mean I can have that placement in Calgary?! hahaha... (well... I better finish the application first!) Please pray for me, I only have a couple more days to finish the application!

To end with randomness...
Dear Future Husband,

You were randomly blessed by a lady with whom I was speaking to in the ladies bathroom this past weekend. Hahaha... hope you were blessed. BTW... she also mentioned that you were Godly! :)

Love,
You Future Wife

Robots made me cry... :P

2011-10-20T23:25:00.001+08:00

I went to watch Real Steel on Tuesday night as a girl date. It was much better than I was expecting. (Warning: Spoiler Alert!)

So I never expected that a movie about robot boxing would bring tears to my face... but it did! I thought about it as I took my short walk from from the theatre (Kornhill MCL whaddup!??!)... and I realized what it was that touched the core of my heart so deeply! It was the beauty of witnessing someone come alive by doing what they were created to do!

Now I know it's a movie and all, but that final fight (I did warn you that I was gonna be spoiling the movie, so stop reading if you care!)... when Atom's voice command system broke down, and Max turned on the shadow function to force Charlie (Jack Hughman) to box so Atom could shadow him... IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!!!! It was the one thing he had been avoiding, but was the one thing he loved doing, and in this case the very thing that he was created to do! The joy that just reflected off his face... priceless.

Now, I know this was just a fictional story... but think of the times when you've seen someone who was absolutely glowing and radiant, what was it that made them so? I honesty believe that the most radiant and beautiful person is someone who has come alive because they have discovered the very thing that God had purposed them for! (Hahaha... why didn't I realize any of this while I was writing my Alchemist paper?!?! Or perhaps all these observations are coming as a result of my class...)

Have you ever been around someone who has discovered this? Who had come alive because of God? The joy that overflows is so contagious that it sends shivers up and down my spine! That life that just pours out of every inch of them is.... so influential! Ahhh.... this was what made me cry.... because I realized that this was my prayer for everyone single one of my friends... and acquintances for them to find that joy in discovering who they are in Christ... and His purpose and destiny for them! Don't ever give up, and don't ever think it's too late! Keep pressing into our Father in heaven, because I promise you... that joy is available for everyone if you're willing to go after it!

He requires your life and obedience though.... He will most likely call you to do the thing that you're most afraid to do (not meaning you're not good at it) but the one thing that at the core of you really wants to do, but are afraid because of whatever reasons. This dream that is within all of us... whether conscious or unconscious is what God will call into existence if we allow Him to! The choice is yours. Dreams will come true... but they will come true in His way, and in His time.... and for His purpose! :)

Masculinity Is the Glad Assumption of Responsibility

2011-10-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

So a awhile back I shared a video about women.... this one is about men. I won't lie.... his description of what a Biblical Manhood... makes that man sound... absolutely beautiful and amazing! :P

Masculinity Is the Glad Assumption of Responsibility from Desiring God on Vimeo.

Tuesday Tellings....

2011-10-18T10:50:00.001+08:00

I read this article yesterday... it's really funny! (Warning... this falls under stupid reblogging items...)

God also woke me up at 5am yesterday to finish reading Deuteronomy. (I am waaaay behind in my finish Bible in 90 days plan...) As I was reading Deuteronomy, it made me think "Wow, I'm so glad that I'm not an Israelite from those times." Their success and affection from God was so conditional! It is full of lines like this: "The Lord will again delight in you and make you prosperous, just as he delighted in your acnestors, if you obey the Lord your God and keep his commands and decrees that are written in this Book of the Law and turn to the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul." (Deut. 30:9b-10, NIV)

You see that "if" in there?? Then God promises plagues if they do not follow the laws and love the Lord with all their heart, soul and mind. That is so scary! Then again... if we lived in those times... would we be saved? Cause we weren't Israelites... Regardless, makes me so thankful that we live in New Testament times, and that all of those offering rules and regulations of the Old Testament were done with by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ! Thank-you Jesus! Now... time to move on to the book of Joshua... about taking the promiseland... hmmm... interesting. :P

On other things:
Just got an email from this place in the Philippines. I spent a month there in 2006 (read blog entries circa June-July 2006 to read my stories)... and great things are happening there... the email actually said they're praying for a CHAINSAW!... so they can cut down the fallen trees from the typhoons and make sure the kids don't get hurt by the fallen/falling trees. Any teachers looking to get out on the Mission field? Cause they're looking for teachers!!! I miss those kids... I want to go back and visit... God willing.

The story in video...

2011-10-18T00:29:00.001+08:00

MyStory - Cecilia Yiu from The Vine on Vimeo.

For everyone who's followed this blog since... I don't know when... someone at church helped me to put this video together! Amazing!

This sums up the past year and a half so beautifully! Thank-you God for being so so so faithful even when I was so faithless at times.... hahaha... all details found in earlier blog entries!

Monday Morning Ramblings...

2011-10-17T11:11:00.003+08:00

How was your weekend lovely peoples?

My Saturday was an interesting blast-from-the-past type of day. I felt like a college student again! Spent the day in sweats at home studying during the day... and didn't change to leave my place until 9pm... for a girls' night out. And even managed to squeeze in Bexx time in there... she missed out on most of the girls' night, but I definitely felt like I had travelled back in time a good couple of years.

Sunday started with freaking out about not being able to connect the laptop to the TV for Hockey Morning in Hong Kong... But it all worked out in the end (THANKS!!!)... and Christina and I were able to enjoy the Edmonton-Vancouver game. We were later joined by my brother and his roommate since they couldn't get theirs to work at home... 2 Edmonton fans vs 2 Vancouver fans... Yius vs the others... unfortunately the family connection did not bring any luck, and we managed to lose 3-4 to Vancouver... so sad. I even put on my Oiler's t-shirt for the occasion! I KNEW I should've pulled out the flag and started waving that thing around my living room!

It's been a very productive weekend, finished reviewing Systems Theory... upgraded phone to iOS 5, and even had time to upgrade my Mac to Snow Leopard. I am now only 1 OS behind.... and still debating whether I really need to pay for Lion... Now onto research for my group paper for my Social Policy class and my individual paper for my Integrative Social Work Practice class... AHHH!!! So much work to do!

Random side note: I had this overwhelming sense of freedom this weekend (despite my school stress and anxiety...). But I just had this feeling that I was free... like a bird to fly and soar as I pleased. Thank-you Jesus for my freedom! :)

"The old Cel would've never..."

2011-10-15T13:47:00.001+08:00

Someone said this the other day... and it has kinda been ringing in my mind since.

It has got me wondering in the context of the person who said it... what that means. So here is my attempt to define "the old Cel" in that context.

The old Cel was:
- driving around in the light blue (according to the car registration it was light green) 1995 Honda Accord V6 MJB 468...
- was still using the email baby_cel@telusplanet.net... (I had to stop when I started sending out resumes for jobs... it was rather... uhh... unprofessional)
- OMG... still working at Kumon!
- was aimlessly taking courses at UofA... this was probably around the time when I went from wanting to do med... to neurology... to forensics... criminology....
- had no idea what facebook was... honestly (I'm totally gonna age myself now)... I don't even know if it existed back then!
- was serving in Children's ministry, college ministry, and worship ministry... and on her way to being burnt out
- was in what most would call the most unhealthy relationship/friendship of all times
- was using a VAIO which came with a dock!... and hater of all things MAC.... we won't get into what I am typing on at this moment.... and what kinda phone I own....
- was reliant on her head knowledge about God rather than a relationship with Him
- was baby_ducky on EO... okay most of you won't know what that is (Edmonton Online... Edmonton's very own version of AsianAve basically...)
- had short hair... or was still styling another bad perm... hahahahaha
- was still shopping at Gap Kids... and Old Navy kids section... Jacob Jr... hahahaha... basically I was still wearing kids clothes... *sigh* In my defense, it fit and it was cheaper!

This list could go on... hahahaha.. but those were some awkward times, as well as some stretching times. I was awkward and had so little self worth back then... and I look at who I am today and see the work of God. I see the hand of God over my life, from the way he has guided me even when it seemed like I was in control of my own life.... I see how He has changed me so much. The way I think, the way I act, the way I use my time, the things I value... and most importantly the way I see myself, and my relationship with God... or even just the way I perceive Him now! So good! :)

So... it's a good reminder that I've changed... for the better. That I'm not that same girl I used to be... and that it's not hidden.... but it is visible to those who knew me back then. Praise God!

The time is coming...

2011-10-15T13:27:00.000+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen for us to take a stand against the ideals and morals that the world is trying to force onto us!

If you have 8 mins... watch this video (shamelessly stolen from Pyoo), it's good stuff. But as Christians... let's take it one further... to pray not only will women be inspired but that they will find their worth in Christ... rather than taking it to the other extreme... which would be more feminist movements.... so... yah... just watch it!

It reflects my thoughts from this blog entry...

Cold La Nina winter forecast for West

2011-10-12T10:05:00.000+08:00

Maybe it is a good thing that I'm not aiming to go to Whistler this winter.... Dress warm everyone!!! Looks like it's gonna be a COOOOOOLD one!

Cold La Nina winter forecast for West:

A U.S. weather forecasting company is predicting a very cold winter for B.C. and Alberta this winter.

Circles... God likes circles...

2011-10-04T16:38:00.000+08:00

Romans 12:2 again?! I wrote this back in February... (Learning the renewed mind) And this past Sunday's sermon from AndyG was none other than Romans 12:2... talking about the transformed mind.

Obviously, I have not learned since then... because I've come around full circle, and I'm once again struggling with those same though processes and thought patterns again! And this time I'm seeing them even more clearly and more vividly, and it makes me sick in the stomach. It makes me dislike myself oh so very much. Why do I think like this?! Why does my negativity and my critical nature take over so quickly? (And I know that my fuse is shorter with some people than with others... I'm so so so sorry! I don't know why I reacted like that the other night... I could feel myself completely starting to shut off and my wall coming up in defense. I felt it but didn't stop it...)

Guess what else has come up once again... the picture of the diamond. Hmmm... which for the record was brought up by someone a year before it was prayed over me at the 180 retreat last December. Hmm... this might be something that is also still a work in progress... Yet these 2 things seem to go hand-in-hand somehow because they seem to keep coming up together?

The time has come. I believe that by the grace of God I will fight these thought patterns and thought habits! God is bigger, and I do not live in those circumstances anymore, I do not live with those people anymore... it's time to walk away from it!!! Let's go, it's time. Argh... more refining... or just the refining that I've been putting off all year whilst I busy myself with other things. This one will require deeper digging, and I have a feeling this is gonna be by far the most painful. *sigh*

But I shall not be afraid because God goes before, and with me, and behind me. Victory is already mine through the blood that Jesus shed at Calvary! So I need only look forward to the freedom that God is trying to give me!

Jealousy...

2011-10-03T12:23:00.001+08:00

Hello October... weather in HK is finally starting to cool down a bit, which makes it feel sort of like fall... but fall will never be fall until I wake up to find frost on the ground, which will never happen in HK... I can dream. Hahaha... and the need to pull out mitts and a thicker jacket... oh I miss fall...

Anyways... finally completed my way through Numbers... it had it's tough moments.... Just because I'm a math major does NOT mean that Numbers is my favourite book in the Bible, ok? There is NO correlation.

I did get hit with this one thought the other night though. Especially since one of our all time favorite songs to sing at 180 is "How He Love Us" which starts with the line "He is jealous for me..." But do you realize what those words mean? In the OT times, when God became jealous because Israel was worshipping other Gods, He sent a plague through the tribes and people just dropped dead, just like that! For grumbling and complaining about how life was better when they were slaves in Egypt, God didn't allow them to enter into the promise land, and their kids had to wander the desert for 40 years until they all died off before they could enter the promise land!!!

Seriously... I'm glad that Jesus stands in the gap for me now. In the OT times, Aaron and his sons would have to rush to over to the Tent of Meeting to offer atoning sacrifices to God so that He doesn't kill off everyone! Since Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice, no one has to rush to God to appease him whenever we make him angry and jealous! That's a relief!

But what does that mean in your life and my life? How much more do the words "God is jealous for you" mean? Cause if we lived in OT times, God would strike us dead for those mins of hours where we made ourselves bigger than Him... let's be honest... that happens a lot in all of our lives! God really must love us that He send His son to die and stand in the gap for us so that He no longer has to deal his wrath to us like He once did with the Israelites.

Just some thoughts for a Monday morning... :P

Edmonton adopts new snow-clearing plan

2011-09-30T10:50:00.000+08:00

This, my dears, is winter in Edmonton! :) This is not really a common sight... roads don't get cleared up that quickly or that well... yet we don't get snow days. We are still expected to dig ourselves outta the snow and find our ways to school and work. Oh... the life.

Edmonton adopts new snow-clearing plan:

Snow plows will stay in Edmonton residential neighbourhoods once they start blading, even if another major snowfall hits, under the city's new snowclearing policy.

Dreams... and other things.

2011-09-29T23:24:00.003+08:00

So... I'm suppose to be writing a paper for my Human Behavior and Social Environment class, and I've decided to write on The Alchemist. One of my favourite books of all times... in attempting to write about it, I've just finished re-reading the book. Wow.... so good. So whilst I procrastinate my paper writing, I've decided to blog, because some of the stuff in this book is just too good not to share! If you have time, I suggest you read the whole entire book because it's awesome! Plus it's a short book, quick read!

As I started reading the book, I was reminded of myself on so many levels. As I read about how the boy in the story decides to follow the desires within his heart rather than what the world around him tells him he needs, I remembered why this book touched my heart so deeply.

"When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision." When I read this quote, the first picture comes to mind was the picture God gave me just before I decided to take the plunge and quit my job at HSBC. It was a picture of me standing on a cliff which is in the midst of a waterfall, and God was asking me to jump. There was no life jacket, no prior knowledge of knowing whether there were rocks at the bottom of the waterfalls... but he asked me whether I trusted Him enough to jump and know that He will make sure nothing bad will happen to me? I remember Him giving a glimpse of the the freedom of free jumping off the cliff without a care in the world... and with the taste of freedom, I knew that the only answer was yes I trust God, and that I will jump in that confidence.

How far life has travelled since that day when I was sitting in the HSBC office. How much has happened since then, but when I jumped into that water, it did carry me to places I had never dreamed of. I never dreamed that I would be studying at CUHK... and that I would be working with refugees and asylum seekers... that I would have travelled with the Vine Band, gone on various missions trips to China... attempt to go to Cambodia... and just plain encounter God in the many ways that I have in the past year and a half since leaving HSBC!

This takes me on to the next passage from the book. Lately... well not lately anymore. In the past while, God has been speaking to me about dreams. He is calling me to dream... actually he is commanding me to dream. Several months ago, he gave me 2 messages. The first one said "Dream big - don't limit big in a box".... and the second one said "Dream bigger!" It was as if God knew that I wouldn't listen to just the first one, and that I needed to have the message enforced!

"What you will need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon."

I'm still working out that the "bigger" is... but I also know that God has placed many dreams on my heart... and dreams are good things. It's not easy for dreams to come true because the enemy knows that when we dream with God and those dreams become a reality, that means that God's glory is further revealed in this world! That more people will be able to encounter Jesus and desire to follow Him. So he does ALL he can to discourage us and get us to give up on our journey to see our dreams come true! But God also takes these situations and turns them for our good. This is the testing of our faith, these are the times when God refines us... when we learn how good our God is!

Lots of people have told me that dreams are coming to realization... and that they will come to pass because those are God's promises over my life. But I won't lie, it has NOT been an easy year, and there have been days when I am hanging onto God for dear life... hanging onto that faith and hope with all my strength. Yet... it hasn't been my own strength, it has been God's strength and that of those around me walking with me. This is the only reason I am still standing, and that I can continue to be joyful and excited about what is to come, even when I still am not able to see what these dreams are just yet!

Random thoughts as I press snooze....

2011-09-27T22:40:00.003+08:00

So as I pressed snooze for the 2nd time this morning (I try to limit myself to twice), I was suddenly hit with the following thoughts. We are such a snooze pressing generation. In a recent gathering of fellow young adults, the topic of pressing snooze came up... and I think we ALL put up our hand to admit that we press snooze at least ONCE every morning... where the most extreme that I heard was someone snoozing for an hour before they actually get out of bed. So, as I pressed snooze this morning, I began to wonder if I ever press snooze on God. Do we ever get so comfortable with pressing snooze thinking that it's just another 9 mins? (That's how long my snooze is...)

This was a scary thought. Do I ever hear the alarm clock of God go off in my life for something, and decide God I'm not ready, just give me a couple more days, weeks, months, years? I think I'm gonna have to say, yes I think I do. I think I really want to cut off my snoozing habit... and wake up when my alarm goes off... so that I don't get into such a habit of pressing snooze I press snooze on God.

So scary to think that maybe God is trying to wake us up from our complacency or comforts... but we are so comfortable there that we tune him out... or worse yet, press snooze on him and go back to our comforts. I don't want to be caught sleeping spiritually. I know when Jesus says "Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming." He is talking about the second coming and that we must be alert for it... but I think it can be very true in all areas of our life.

I do not want to press snooze on God when He comes back.... I do not want to miss that!

Dubnyk, Oilers blank Flames

2011-09-27T10:10:00.000+08:00

Woohoo!! Oilers I'm so proud of you! :)

Dubnyk, Oilers blank Flames:

Devan Dubnyk stopped all 30 shots he faced to lead the Edmonton Oilers to a 3-0 win over the Calgary Flames in NHL pre-season play Sunday.

Quesnell Bridge finally open to all traffic

2011-09-27T09:47:00.000+08:00

Oh Quesnell Bridge... how you make my life miserable when you're not fully opened... hahahahahhaaha....

I won't lie... I've been missing Edmonton lately... maybe I just miss driving and my friends... less so the place... :P

Quesnell Bridge finally open to all traffic:

After three years of construction and delays, the Quesnell Bridge fully opened to all traffic Monday.

Things to know at 25-ish

2011-09-23T15:29:00.002+08:00

Back to things of more... substance.

I shameless stole this from Joanne Kim.... well I found the article on her blog, and I loved it.

This particular snippet caught my eye... and my heart:

"This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal."

(You can read the rest of the article here.)

Thank-you God that you didn't allow me to get stuck, but forced me to move, face my battles head-on and allowed me to become the person that I am today! Does that mean I've become a real live adult? Hahaha... that's not up for debate at the moment! :P

Am I wearing pants?!

2011-09-23T15:15:00.001+08:00

I don't normally post up stupid stuff... but this was really really funny! (Taken off sassyhongkong.com) I think there are a lot of girls that I see on the streets that should go through all these questions before stepping foot outside their homes! Might save them from some later embarrasment. :P

Residential school compensation deadline looms

2011-09-20T17:38:00.000+08:00

Argh... unfortunately compensation doesn't take away the horrid memories and psychological damaged caused by these residential schools.

Residential school compensation deadline looms:

Social workers are scouring Edmonton streets hoping to make contact with as many former students of residential school as possible as the deadline for compensation looms.

Most important thing...

2011-09-20T14:42:00.003+08:00

This past weekend someone told me that the most important thing to a woman is her beauty. If she's beautiful then she can do anything. I feel that I must argue this statement. We all who have grown up in the church know that "beauty is fleeting." So how can beauty be the most important thing that a woman can have... more important than money and career?! I believe this is why the beauty parlours make so much money in Hong Kong and why the industry is so thriving. Actually not just in Hong Kong, but the same reason that the cosmetic surgery industry thrives in Korea, why the make-up industry all over the world is so large.

This statement was then followed with a story of how they as a beauty parlour were able to "fix" a certain skin pigment problem of a particular lady which resulted in her mother coming to thank them profusely because it was a "problem" not even doctors could fix. And whilst before having these treatments she was unable to find a job, afterwards she was able to find an amazing job, and apparently that followed with a guy who worships the ground she walks on, buys her handbags worth tens of thousands of dollars, and is now planning their wedding. I'll be honest... the only thing going through my mind is "what will happen when the beauty disappears?"

It's a hard battle of self-worth vs Christ-worth. Finding security in knowing that God loves me, and that He finds me beautiful and worthy instead of finding it in the acceptance from the world. That struggle of wanting the world to find me beautiful and worthy rather than being grounded and confident in Christ. That is the one thing that is of the utmost importance. To be grounded and confident in who we are in Christ, man or woman, that is the most important thing we can have other than our relationship with Jesus. It is worth more than all the riches and materials the world can provide, and it remains even when beauty fades.

I don't have an action plan or anything but somehow I want to start taking a stand against stuff like this. I want to take a stand and say, no those are not the things that matter. What you do, what you have, who are have... these things are not what should define you. Meet Jesus, let Him show you what matters, and the things that HE says should define you... I promise, it'll change your life! As you encounter Jesus and allow Him to flow our through every part of your life, the beauty that shines through will be much more radiant than any beauty products or treatment will be able to give you. It'll cost you your life... but when you surrender your life over to God, He gives you a new life... an even better life... an everlasting life which promises an eternity in paradise with Him!

So... to the world that tells me beauty will grant me the desires of my heart as a woman.. I say "up yours" in a nice way.... and God is the only one who can grant me the desires of my heart. :) And let me tell you... He does, he does!

Sidenote: I'm excited. Korean ladies have promised me kimchi next month! :)

Edmonton mega-mall hits big 3-0 with little fanfare

2011-09-16T10:57:00.000+08:00

Wow... WEM... you are only 30?!?! Hahaha.. I have to admit... there are days when I miss this place... Edmonton, I think we're due for a visit... hopefully sooner than later. :P

Edmonton mega-mall hits big 3-0 with little fanfare:

West Edmonton Mall turned 30 years old Thursday, but there were no balloons, cake or banners to mark the occasion. Instead, its family owners want to emphasize the mall's efforts to refresh its image.

So Begins a 90 day journey...

2011-09-15T22:32:00.002+08:00

So began my 90 day journey with God this morning, as I attempt to finish reading the Bible from cover to cover before 2011 comes to an end.

This morning I read Genesis chapters 1 through to 16... from the story of Creation straight through to the story of Sarai and Hagar. It must've been awhile since I've read through Genesis like that... because I found it quite refreshing... and quite interesting. This is going to make for a very interesting 90 days...

How would you feel if you were Abram? God keeps promising you something... yet everything else in your life, your circumstances seem to be going in the opposite direction? Would you have faith like Abram? Would you keep believeing that God will fulfill what He had promised? I feel like everytime Abram questions God... God tells him to look up. To look around him... beyond what lies just in front... to look further... interesting.

Or else it's just because I feel like him... and have felt like God has been telling me to look up at Him and to keep my eyes on Him lately. :)

Anyways... to end on a very random note... watched this video last night... wherever life/ God takes you, I hope you are thankful for the times we've shared... because I'm very thankful to God for you and the times that God allowed me to share life with you. :)

Hello Edmonton... we meet again.

2011-09-14T23:06:00.000+08:00

So my meeting up with people from Edmonton continues today. 'Twas another interesting night of chatting with an old friend, finding out about what she's been up to, as well as what others in Edmonton have been up to. She is now the Petros counsellor to the girls I used to teach in Team KID, now run as AWANA. I can't believe they are now in grade 11! The last time I taught them... I swear they were still in grade 4... has it really been 7 years? Perhaps... This is the grade of kids whom I used to go visit in the nursery back in the day. I would go by the nursery, take them out for a walk around the church... and then bring them back... or I would just stand in front of the nursery making faces at the babies inside... THESE are the kids which are now in grade 11... goodness gracious, where has the time gone? For me, a lot of them are frozen in the time when I used to team them in Team KID... cause that was the last time I taught some of them.

That was realization number 1... the next one is... how much I really am honorary '87... which all started as being called honorary first year... but most of the 87's are now graduated and working... or doing various other things... we cannot go by university year anymore... hahaha... so I deem myself honorary '87. Good times! I still talk to a good number of them, and LOVE talking to them, so it's always fun to catch up with one of them! :)

I'm really starting to enjoy nights like this... where I can spread my Edmonton wings and let them stretch. This is good... because that means I'm accepting that part of my life and embracing it into all that I have become now. This is fun now! Perhaps a part of it is simply catching up with people and finding out what they have been up to! I love talking to people who share my thoughts and views on certain things... and even more fun when they're teaching them to the girls that you used to teach and pray for! LOVES IT!!! There is a part of me that wishes that I had been around to watch those girls grow up... to still be a Petros counselor so that I could be there when they had arrived into Petros... but that is not to be. God had other plans for me. I actually used to dream about that... about following my girls all the way from kindergarten up to high school... what impact would that have on the girls? Well... I'll never know. But sometimes it's fun to think like that.

On a different note... someone broke into our office during the Mid-Autumn festival holiday... whoever it was... wasn't the smartest of thieves... or has a grudge against the Education office... cause it wasn't like they took too many valuable things... other than a couple thousand dollars in petty cash and a laptop. They could've at least taken my computer and monitor as well or something... but NO... they only took my mouse and keyboard, and my duck!!! They stole my duck which Sky and RQ gave me to cheer me up at work!! BWAR!!!! That makes me so upset... and they took my iphone cable... and a really old camera that belongs to work. My poor duck... I hope they are at least treating you well. They also stole various other toys off my coworker's desk. So sad.... and I had make sure to clean off everything off my desk this morning to make sure all the glass was cleared up as they had broken in through the window above my desk! Why would anyone rob an NGO that's trying to help people?!??! That.. I don't know if we'll ever find the answer to.

It has been a very long and interesting day... and I think I shall sign off on that. Oh... I forgot, I've decided that before this year (2011) ends, I will complete reading the Bible from cover to cover... so I shall start the Bible in 90 days reading plan! Anyone else wanna join me?! I think I'll use this blog to keep me accountable... hahaha... I have a bit more than 90 days before this month ends... so that leaves me some room to stretch! I'm excited... speak God speak! :)

And I'm outs... til next time! I love you! :)

This is me!

2011-09-09T10:06:00.001+08:00

So last night I went to Will and Karen's HK wedding banquet... here in HK obviously! (So happy for them!!!) While I was there, I had the oddest mixture of my Edmonton life and my HK life. I thought the whole uncle Alan incident at 180 a couple of months ago was strange, but I think this was even more so. Let me try to put the weirdness into words.

I was physically sitting in Hong Kong, everything around me was telling me that, from the banquet hall, to the people sitting at my table, to the phone I was holding in my hand... I was very clear that I was physically in Hong Kong. Yet, all the pictures and scenes that were showing up on the screen were of my life in Edmonton. I was emotionally and mentally in Edmonton. For the past little while, I've actually been feeling like this. Physically in Hong Kong but emotionally and mentally in Edmonton...

Last night, all that I had been feeling and thinking became something that wasn't just in my head, but it was made real. At first it felt so strange because I was so confused as to where I was and what was going on... but it felt kinda cool after awhile. This should be a reality that people can see, because this is who I am. Everything in the physical was a part of who I am now, and everything on the screen is also a part of who I am... all of those years in Edmonton shaped a lot of who I am today, I can't ignore that.

So as strange as last night was, it confirmed that what God had been speaking was true. That my old self and current self needs to be reconiled together. As my mind began to replay all the memories from high school and university... the most shaping years of my life, I felt that I was okay. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset, I wasn't yearning to bury it all and pretend like those years never happened. I was grounded in knowing that was my past, and this around me was who I am now. I could embrace all that WAS me into who I am NOW!

Still learning a lot, but praise God for coming through and using the oddest of situations to make me see that He IS working in my life!

Anyways, back to the wedding! So happy for Karen and Will... for 2 people who walked with me through some of the hardest years of my life, and whom I got to walk with through some of their interesting times as well... I am sooo happy and excited to get to share and witness this moment with them in Hong Kong. I am a bit sad that I missed the actual wedding ceremony, but it was nice to get to share in their moment of celebration in HK... surrounded by random random HK aquaintances. hahahahaha... :P

None of this will really make sense...

2011-08-31T17:08:00.000+08:00

So yesterday... I woke up with an upset stomach, and decided to take the day off. But by lunch, I actually felt quite fine. So I decided to go up to Elim (which was right upstairs from my doctor's office) to check if there were still tickets for the afternoon session at the Kingdom Culture Conference. There were... so I decided to go and check it out. I think God blessed me with a sick stomach so I could get out of work.. to spend some time in His presense at the conference... despite the fact that I was a brat pretty much throughout the whole day!

I will say this very honestly, I tuned out within the first 10 mins... after he started talking about how God took woman out of man, so from 1 he made 2... so to be complete man and woman must come together to become 1 again through marriage... and yes, I totally tuned out! I also walked out of the afternoon session early... and thinking about how thankful I was to God... but I didn't want to be thankful about what He was making me thankful for! He was reminding of all the reasons of why I should be thankful for someone... and let's just leave it as... at this particular moment... that is the last person I want to be thankful for... yes because I am stubborn and being a brat about life.

Then... it wasn't even until the very end of the evening session when God reminded me of something that he spoke about a couple of weeks ago... about the verse in Ecclesiastes where God has placed eternity on our hearts... seriously... all I could think of was "God, you suck today!" My heart was hurting so much... yet there was still so much joy and hope in me... I can't even explain it. Somedays I just feel like I've got split personality or something. *sigh*

God is doing a lot for me at the moment... everyday God confirms that this is what He had intended for me. I have decided to stay at my work, and stay in Hong Kong to do my Masters in Social Work... and at work, we have just hired a full time registered social worker. She's got plenty of experience, and is very keen and eager to help and answer any questions I might have from my studies... it's like a personal mentor/tutor without even asking... How can I say that my God doesn't care about me?! This is one of the many reasons for why I am in a constant awe of my Father in heaven.

Yet my heart is hurting because I'm surrounded by a lot of hurting people. At work, I daily see injustice, or remnants of it on the faces that I see. I see people who are just plain hurting for whatever reasons... and it makes my heart hurt for them. I am also hurting myself as God continues to chip away at things he wants to remove from my heart... I've been seeing a lot of stuff... and I am in need of God time to just sit and process and sift through what is of God and what is not.

Aside from all this, I was talking to a friend about cars today... I love to talk about cars. Hahaha... and was told that Volvo would stop producing the S40 by the end of this year. I am absolutely speechless. Click here to see why I am speechless. hahahaha... Ok...that is all I will say about this.

Happily Ever After...

2011-08-31T11:39:00.000+08:00

I really love fairy tales... even now I love them. The stories where good always triumphs over evil, and the heroine marries her knight in shining armour and they live happily ever after. Which girl's heart does that not tug at. I've had my days when I too dreamed that prince charming would come riding through all the crap in my life, sweep me off my feet and we'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

Then one day, the world slaps me in the face and tells me to wake up to reality. Happily ever after doesn't happen in real life, these are just stories. How depressing is that?! (But yet the keep making chick flicks which appeal to this in all girls... hahaha... I feel so cheated!)

But you know what, we as Christians definitely get to live happily ever after! Just read the last chapter of revelations where it talks about Jesus coming back for His bride, which is us, and that there "He will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain." Sure, the world might not give me a happily ever after ending with a prince charming, but God will! So POOP on the world for telling me to give up my dream of happily ever after, I'm clinging onto it with eternity in mind! Because that's gonna be the most awesome happy ending that can ever be promised! A wedding in heaven with Jesus and we truly will live happily ever after in the presense of God!

I found this thought provoking...

2011-08-23T11:49:00.001+08:00

Put Strong Pillars Under Your Case for the Unbelieving Poor:

I only bring this up because I want the church to care more not less about the suffering that comes from poverty. Christians care about all suffering, especially eternal suffering. And “all suffering” includes the miseries of unbelievers who live in extreme poverty.

This is a cause that should have the best biblical pillars under it. When the wrong pillars are put there, the cause is weakened, even if many listeners don’t know they are the wrong pillars, and even if the wrong pillars are emotionally gripping.

It doesn’t help this cause to use biblical pillars that are designed to motivate mercy for suffering believers. Three typically misplaced pillars of this sort are:

Matthew 25:40 — "And the King will answer them, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.”

1 John 3:17–18 — "If anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

James 2:15–16 — "If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that'?"

These are strong pillars for caring for believers in need. And we should do more of it.

But the wealth of biblical pillars for caring for unbelievers in need is so great, why would we weaken our case by using wrong pillars?

Luke 6:27–31 — Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. . . . Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Matthew 7:12 — Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 5:16 — In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Luke 10:25-37 (The parable of the Good Samaritan) — “Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

Galatians 6:10 — As we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

1 Thessalonians 5:15 — See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.

This is a plea for the sake of the unbelieving, suffering poor. They should have better than bad arguments. Don’t defend them with careless exegesis. Don’t support them with pillars that cannot hold. Give them your best defense.

________

Recent posts from John Piper —

I'm back!

2011-08-23T11:29:00.000+08:00

I have returned from my 10 day trip of romping about in Malaysia. Completed my PADI Open Water course, and can now dive up to depths of 18 meters. I came back relatively unskived... minus my scratched up knee from hitting coral and then again from pk-ing whilst walking on land... (apparently I know not how to walk in flip flops...) throw in some intense heat rash.... for which I am now on medication! What a trip! Bodily harm aside... it was a good trip. Soaked up plently of sun (hence the heat/sun rash), and drank in lots of sea water (thanks to "mask flood and clear" - divers will understand what I am talking about)... ate some good food, and came back with lots of things to talk and laugh about, not to mention hundreds of pictures which I now need to go through so I can post some for all you lovely people to see! :)

Regardless of all that, the most important part of it was my conquering of fears. I'm terrified of water... not to the point where I won't touch water or go near water, but I prefer to be in bodies of water where... basically I know I can touch the ground. So swimming in deep water (ie out into the ocean)... not at the top of my favourite things to do if you know what I mean! So why would a girl who is terrified of deep water, doesn't swim well, and has never even been snorkelling want to go and get her Scuba license? Hahaha... that is a very very excellent question! A very honest answer, I don't know. Perhaps I needed to stop letting my fears run my life... and this was my way of making that statement.

I don't lie... it was scary! I had my moments... and almost wanted to drop out and not finish the course! Which all resulted in me having to go for my first dive with the course instructor by myself at 8 in the morning, while the rest of the group got to sleep in and do theirs at 11... BUT it was worth it, and I am glad that I pushed through and finished the course. God's creation underwater is just as amazing as His creation on land... and I'm glad that I got the opportunity to see that for myself. I probably shouldn't have challeneged God by asking "Do I really trust Him?" Cause that's how I felt... being underwater is definitely not something that I find comfortable.... did I really trust that while I am there that no harm would come to me? I don't really know... probably not completely. It's just a scary place for me... and a fear that I can't explain in words! I'm not really scared that something is going to jump out and eat me... nor is it quite just the vast blue open space that is before me that makes me panic... there's just something about all of it that scares me... But the fear itself is not important.... the main point is that God is bigger than those fears... and perfect love (that's God, in case your're wondering) drives out fear! Thank-you God!

I'm totally just rambling now. So... I'll stop! Main point, I finished my PADI Open Water Diving Course... resulting in me conquering a major fear. :) All glory to God, because it wasn't me... it was all Him! I would've given up had it not been for God!

No answer... but God, your will be done?

2011-08-12T17:44:00.000+08:00

If you knew someone was gonna have an abortion because the baby was a threat to the mother's health... how would you respond?

This is the one question that leaves me just so confused over this topic. On one hand I want to say that my God is good, have faith, keep the baby and watch God work a miracle. I know someone who is a testament of that sort of faith... they are alive and well as is their mom...

So so so many varying factors that could make this situation so so so complicated. That's why Pro-choice and pro-life debates is not a right vs wrong debate... it's not a christian vs non-christian debate. Do you really believe that there is one RIGHT answer that can be tacked on to every decision? I see situations like the above and I cannot say that one side has the answer over the other.

Would it be so wrong and cliche to simply pray "Your will be done" in this situation? Cause right now that would be my only answer in this situation. *sigh*

Will We Protect the Little Ones?

2011-08-10T17:27:00.000+08:00

Will We Protect the Little Ones?: "

Consider the following about babies with Down syndrome:

Of women who choose to have prenatal testing, approximately 90% of those who discover their child has Down syndrome choose to abort.

Two companies are racing to provide new prenatal diagnostic tests that could detect Down syndrome as early as the ninth week of pregnancy, without the dangers of current tests.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists expanded the clinical standard of care to include giving all women regardless of age the opportunity for Down syndrome screening.

We are already seeing a decline in the number of children with Down syndrome being born.

Women routinely report that doctors paint a negative, inaccurate picture of the quality of lives of children with Down syndrome and their families.

Our Culture Is Against Them

Prenatal tests are not the problem. The problem is the bias of our culture against the lives of little ones born with Down syndrome. Our culture does not think that these littles ones should be given the opportunity to live.

And there is no neutral ground on this issue: you are either doing something to protect the lives of unborn babies with disabilities or you are letting the culture pressure parents about what they 'should do.'

You Can Help

Developing programs is helpful, but it does not need to be complicated to get started. You can begin by consistently affirming that God is in control and every life matters. Just last week a dad stood up in a seminar and told the group that it was the strong pro-life message of his church that gave him the conviction needed to welcome his unborn child with Down syndrome into his family.

Earlier this year I met a young couple who, radiating the love of Jesus, told us the story of how their small church — less than 100 people — surrounded them with prayer and love and persistent presence when their baby girl with Down syndrome was born.

Church, please, trust God and pursue the good of these little ones, for his glory and for your good. Soak in God’s word and embrace his sovereignty over all things before the challenge comes:

He knits little babies with genetic anomalies together (Psalm 139:13-16).

He will never leave us or forsake us; “The Lord is my helper” (Hebrews 13:5-6).

He will supply every need (Philippians 4:19).

He is “righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works” (Psalm 145:17).

He is purposeful in hard things like disability, and that purpose is glorious: For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

Resources

For how to talk about disability, abortion, and the sovereignty of God, I recommend Pastor John's sermon, Born Blind for the Glory of God. For an example of how this issue is woven into other topics, see the blog post, The Inevitability of “Gendercide” and Its Other Deadly Effects.

________

Recent posts from 'The Works of God' —

Our Weakness and God's Strength: Disability Ministry in the Local Church

How Do We Know the Words to Speak?

Disability Helps Protect the Church from Lukewarmness

A NEW season!!!

2011-08-09T12:27:00.001+08:00

This is the verse that God gave me yesterday whilst at Plus:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ... I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him." (Ecclesiastes 3: 11, 14)

We spent time talking about our passions and then praying into them for each other. Wow... it was absolutely amazing! Thank-you God for moving in Plus, and for the walls that I see coming down, and the bridges of relationships being built amongst the members. It has been such a beautiful sight! This verse was a reminder that things are made beautiful "in its time"... not when I want or desire, but when God deems that it is the correct time. Such a good reminder of God's sovereignty.

Bringing this a little closer to home... this verse just spoke so personally into my heart as well. I feel like God gave me His words to explain how I've been feeling. I know that everything is perfect when it happens in God's time and in His way, but I love how it says it here that "He has made everything beautiful in its time." I know and understand that everything in my life at the moment is as it should be, and it is beautiful... it's hard to say that my painful times and circumstances are beautiful, but in my heart I know that they are. (Is that too much crazy talk?) I still don't understand everything has happened or is happening, but that is ok.

At the end of it, I know that what is of God will stand firm until the end of time. I'll be honest, this has been a hard one to hang onto, and to keep holding on to lately. God has promised so much... so much greatness has been spoken over my life, so so much... yet I still feel like I am in the same place. Perhaps that was why I had tried so hard to go to Cambodia.. :P When I don't see these words coming to alive... I start to doubt and my faith wavers. In the midst of my frustrations and doubting, God spoke all His promises over me again. So... the things of God... they don't go away. They really don't... and it's good!

I am going back to school in September to do my masters degree in social work... this is finally happening in His time and in His way... and it is good. God reminded me of why He wants me to do this... the people He wishes for me to reach out to... and with His blessings I go back to school to equip and prepare for the places and people He will eventually send me out to. As much as I want to go now, I will a much a efficient tool for Him if I remain obedient and do what He has placed in front of me for the time being.

I'm less scared thanks to the prayers of new friends from California :)... and starting to get excited about this new season that I am about to embark on! Even if I start pissing my pants, be it from excitement or fear, God's gonna carry me into this new season... and He's not letting me off. Hahahaha.. that's reassuring, because I don't think I can do this alone!

There’s Staggering Glory in Your Story

2011-08-06T11:48:00.000+08:00

This is good! We are ALL miracles! :)

There’s Staggering Glory in Your Story: "

Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created (Revelation 4:11).

The story behind your existence is wilder than any story humans have imagined. Have you ever thought about it?

Statistically speaking, you should not exist. How unlikely was it that your parents ever met? And even when they came together you were just an argument or headache or television show or phone call away from never being conceived.

Multiply those by millions of converging conversations and glances and illnesses and books and storms and dreams and travels and schools and wars and ambitions and sorrows throughout human history that had they been altered just slightly, you would not be.

And nothing that happens to you today is really ordinary. Every small and great thing you encounter or do has millions of stories behind it that are so enthralling that you would sit dumbstruck for days just to learn about them.

And your extraordinary life is shaping and being shaped by many other lives, human and non-human, as it goes along. In ways both witting and unwitting your words and actions are influencing the course of other lives. Your choice of a parking spot could have a life-altering effect on someone else.

Do not let a belief in the sovereignty of God dull your amazement over this. Let it add, not detract, from your wonder! Just think of how God designed his creation to occur.

15 million birch tree seeds in a season might produce a tree or two. A few hundred ova and a few billion sperm might produce a few children over the course of a marriage. Some 200 billion galaxies and more than 70 sextillion stars might produce a planet that sustains life, not to mention incomprehensively complex, marvelous, conscious beings who can contemplate the glory of such improbabilities.

Some look at creation and see meaningless randomness and natural selection. What do you see? Do you see the staggering glory of divine selection (election) out of all the possibilities? And all that glory before we even get to the most glorious story: redemption!

You live in a universe that is filled with trillions, septillions, bazillions of creations, some incomprehensibly huge and others inconceivably small. And each one, like you, so unlikely, so improbable as to be miracles, whose very existence would cause each of us to exclaim in worship: “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created!”

If we just stopped long enough to look.

________

God Math...

2011-08-05T10:00:00.000+08:00

So I have decided that my math degree is completely useless when it comes to understanding and doing Kingdom math. Which is OK!

I used to think in terms of +1 for God... 0 for me... but the other way as I was walking home, it suddenly dawned on me. +1 for God is like +100 for me no matter how much I don't see it at the time. When God wins, I win. Okay... maybe not +100, but for sure +1 instead of 0. It is not Me vs God, but me AND God. We are in relationship, and we are on the same team.

God took me out of my element yesterday, yet at the same time I have never felt so at ease and confident... It was one of my "God, what are you doing?!!?" kinda days... but as God won in my life, I was winning as well, so that is a-ok!

"Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say, Rejoice." ~ Philippians 4:4

That's the verse of the day... hahaha, and I am definitely rejoicing and laughing with my God. he is good! +1 for team God! :)

Let Jesus Argue With Your Soul About Being Anxious

2011-08-03T10:27:00.000+08:00

Let Jesus Argue With Your Soul About Being Anxious: "

We should be slow to treat Jesus as if he doesn’t know what he is doing. He is not naïve in the way he deals with our anxiety. In Matthew 6:25-34 he tells us three times not to be anxious (vv. 25, 31, 34) and gives us eight reasons not to be anxious.

Evidently he thinks this will help. So don’t call it simplistic. Call it grace. Believe him. Take every reason and preach it to your soul as true. Say,

Soul, this is true. Jesus Christ says so. Trust him. He died for you. He loves you. He created you. He knows you. No one — no counselor, no pastor, no friend — knows as much about you as he does. Listen to him. Let these reasons sink in. Bank on them. Now, let’s get up and do what we need to do. Be gone anxiety.

Here’s a summary of what he said:

Life is more than food and the body more than clothing (Matthew 6:25).

God feeds the birds and you are more valuable than they are (Matthew 6:26).

It's pointless. It adds not one hour to your life (Matthew 6:27).

If God clothes ephemeral grass, he will clothe eternal you (Matthew 6:28-30).

Unbelievers are anxious about stuff. And you are not an unbeliever (Matthew 6:32a).

Your father (!) knows that you need all these things you're anxious about (Matthew 6:32b).

When you seek first God's kingdom and righteousness, what you need is added to you.

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Tomorrow's trouble stays there (Matthew 6:34).

________

Walking towards the promise land... chi seen!

2011-08-01T17:39:00.000+08:00

"The place of your greatest pain is the place of your greatest potential and greatest anointing."

I'll be honest, I've been doubting this road that God has placed me on, so hearing that was a huge encouragement for me. It's been over 2 years since I've started on this road... since God started to beckon closer towards Him, and further away from what I had thought my life would be. I have started to wonder if I had done the right thing 2 years ago, or if I have just been acting on a "spiritual high" moment.

I've been reminded that sharing my story and facing my past was not a mistake. That act humilty allowed God to open more doors in my life, and allowed for more of Him to be revealed to me. That wasn't a mistake. I didn't change course because of a "spiritual high" I felt after some sort of camp or revival meeting. It was a decision that came out of meeting God face-to-face on my knees... In that secret place, God met with me, and called me, and I could not walk away.

I've been encouraged this weekend. This is all really happening... God said go to school, I am going to school! It didn't happen in the way or time that I had expected, but it's happening! I am doing what God wants me to do, He is opening doors left and right... He is confirming this over and over again... and I am completely overwhelmed at His love for me. I have no idea what this will all look like, and how this will all pan out, but I know that I am walking in the right direction... and that my passions and dreams are aligned with God's heart... and this is gonna be CRAZY!

The calm before the storm...

2011-07-27T10:16:00.000+08:00

I wrote these words over 6 years ago... the night before I found out.

Ok God, so I went to the doctor's today. Honestly, I'm terrified to receive that phone call tomorrow and what the doctor has to say. But you've given this peace, that seems to constantly remind me to stay focused on you and not on my fears. "Submit yourself then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." ~ James 4:7. It's been awhile since I've meditated on your word and memorized it like that. I'm so sorry for that. I've realized just how far away I have pushed you these past couple years. Instead of having you as my driving force, I have turned to other things. In situations when I should've ran to you, I ran to others, or to other things. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation the old has done the new has come." ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17. It's a good reminder that if I've decided to put you first, that I am renewed. The past cannot bother me, because you have given me new hope, new joy, new direction. God, I just pray that you'll continue to help me get through all the garbage in my life. I want to live a life that is pleasing to you. Praise God, I can feel myself starting to get better slowly. I still have no appetite, but the belching has done down and I was able to poo today. God, just help me through my exam tomorrow and give me energy to continue studying afterwards for my last exam on Thursday. Help me to not be anxious. And remind me once again to stay focused on you all day!

The next morning when the phone rang... my life would change forever.

Who's the forgotten one?

2011-07-25T17:02:00.000+08:00

I may or may not have been complaining and wondering if God had forgotten about me this past Saturday... today when I was reading my google reader... this was the verse of the day on Saturday from the ESV...

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." ~ Luke 12: 6-7

Oh God, you make it so hard for me to be angry and whiny with you. :)

self-esteem 101

2011-07-22T16:47:00.000+08:00

side rant before I begin: I have no idea what FB is doing with my blog import... but in one day, they imported the last 2 months worth of blogs. is this punishment for not going on their site for 2 months?! hahaha... dunno. rant over... less of a rant, was just curious what that was all about.

self-esteem (according to my trusty friend dictionary.com): a realistic respect for or favourable impression of oneself; self-respect

Sat in a workshop regarding motivational interviewing this morning. One of things they were talking about the Cycle of Change... and basically what causes a person to change or not to change. 3 words: importance, confidence and self-esteem. Importance: how important is this change to you? Confidence: How confidence are you that you can acheieve this change? Self-esteem: Do you find yourself worthy of this change?

Why did this strike such a chord within me? Because I find this so useful in dealing with women and their self identity issues, myself included. One of the issues that kept playing over and over in my head as an example of is why women don't get out of unhealthy relationships. That vicious cycle of staying in a relationship knowing that it's not good for you... yah... most of us girls have been in that place.

I've come to see that for most of us girls, it comes down to a matter of self-esteem. Obviously when I was in that position, I couldn't see this. If I don't even deem myself worthy of better, I'm never going to have the confidence to be able to walk away, and if I have no confidence then I will make up for that by saying that this is not all that important then. Why is it so easy for so many of us to fall into that trap?!?!?!

I wish that we would see and realize sooner that we ARE worth it. We are SOOOO worth it because our God says that we are. He calls us His bride, and He romances us like no one else on this earth can! I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today had I not gone through the trials that I had been through... but at the same time... imagine a generation of boys and girls who knew their worth and identity that can only be found in Christ... and imagine them being grounded in that truth... what kinda example would that paint in a world where it seems moral is only going downhill everyday?

Okay... getting off utopian ran sidetrack... getting off the topic of not leaving unhealthy relationships. Let's talk about unhealthy habits. I was a cutter at one time in my life... thank goodness I was a wuss and never cut myself deep enough that I have scars now. What made me feel like I couldn't stop this completely unhealthy habit of mine?! I believe it came down to me believing that I deserved to be hurting myself... that I wasn't worthy to get out of this pit... that I deserved a life of hope and happiness... free of guilt and shame... so the more guilt and shame I felt... the more I felt the need to cut.

Those were some dark days where I almost refused to let people in, yet at the core of who I was, I was so desperate for people to notice and reach in. The world had somehow become a scary place, and I didn't know who I could and could not trust. The more I isolated myself, the more if felt like I didn't deserve friends... and the more self pity... the more cutting. So glad that those days are behind me now... nowadays, it's more just a battlefield in my mind. The battle that what others think is not important... simply because my God in heaven finds me lovely.

I know now that I walk in the confidence of knowing that my God loves me, and He wants and has the best for me in store. I know people see this, but all credit to God.... because I know that I have not always been like this. The best way I can explain this is... I used to walk around with my head down... AT ALL TIMES! And I mean at ALL times. I was always always looking at my feet when I walked. I used to say it's because I'm clumsy and if I don't walk looking down, I'm afraid that I will trip. Now I know that it's a lack of self confidence. Now I walk with my head up. True story. I admit, there are days when I have to FORCE myself to hold my head up, but it's worth it! Because that's when I know and am reminded that I walk not on my own strength, but on the strength of my God, Father and Lover in heaven! He holds me up, and allows me to walk confidently even when I feel like I cannot.

It has taken me 20-odd years to get here... and this is just the beginning! I'm a slow learner... and a stubborn one as well. hahaha... so I'm sure it won't take all girls 20-odd years to learn all this as well. :)

One Thing Remains

2011-07-12T10:34:00.000+08:00

These words have been speaking straight into my heart...

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
One thing remains

In death and in life
I'm confident and covered
By the power of your great love
My debt is paid
There's nothing that can seperate
My heart from your great love

God's Faithfulness Continues...

2011-07-11T11:11:00.000+08:00

So... yesterday, our church moved into our new home, and had our first Sunday service in WanChai! So amazing! God is soooooo good! Such an honour and privilage to get to take part in playing keys for our first service!

This is our new stage... and I got to play on it!! Woohoo! Loving the new Aviom system... getting used to being on the other side of the stage... and not being by the electric. I won't lie... it feels weird to not being hiding in the corner anymore. Hahaha... not that I was hiding there... :P And the new stage is a bit higher... and no stairs on the keys side... which ended up in me almost ending up UNDER the stage when I jumped on stage and missed the stage... so embarassing...

And here is our new home! So amazing to call these people family! So so proud to call this my home! Not the building, but the family! For me, this isn't a "look at us, we're so great" deal. This has been a "look at what God has done for this family" moment. I see this place, and I see God's goodness and providence over this family of God. It's so crazy to finally see this place... the last time I was in this place, it was still an empty concrete shell! And it was STUFFY!!!! Despite the many things raging inside of me right now, I see this, and I know that my God is good, and He provides, and He always fulfills His promises.

That what God was reminding me of this weekend. What He has promised, He will bring to pass, but in His way, and in His time. A reminder that everything weaves together to paint God's bigger picture, and when it is finished, and I see the picture, it will be beautiful and it will make sense. Everything in my life is a result of my obedience to God, and a desire to take the higher road in all situations.

I won't lie, there are days when I wonder what things would be like if I'd never taken that HSBC job and had stayed in Edmonton. If I had stayed at ATB... actually, I think I'd rather not go down that road. I do wonder however, what life would be like if I had stayed at HSBC... would I be at the same job? Or would I have finally moved into an area which I have more interest in? These are all what if questions that don't have answers. I'll be honest, there are days where I want to give up... give up all this and just go back to my career in finance. There are days when this higher road has felt so lonely... especially when I can't quite see where this is a leading.

I had one of those moments this weekend. God is gently reminding me that He is here, that He knows what He is doing, and He will fulfill what He has promised. Hanging onto that. He also finds the strangest ways to show me that He is speaking... and that it IS still His voice that I am hearing, even when it makes no sense to me! Actually, make that especially when it makes no sense to me!

BTW... totally loving the new song... The chorus and the bridge are keeping me going... HE truly is the only reason I am still standing, and continuing to do what I am doing at the moment!

Hallelujah
You're the reason broken hearts can sing
Hallelujah
So let the sound of your praises ring

We're lifting up our lives
We're lifting up our eyes
Lifting up our praise to You
We're lifting up our songs
We're lifting up our all
Lifting up our praise to You

Such a beautiful weekend! :)

2011-07-04T10:34:00.000+08:00

Took this yesterday whilst we frolicked in the grass... barefeet! :) And it made me think of this song (Open Skies - David Crowder Band):

Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
I will dance, I will sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud, life my voice and shout

From where I am
From where I've been
He's been there with me
He's built a monument
His very people
So let His people
Sing Sing Sing

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now

Such a beautiful beautiful weekend to have spent most of it outdoors! Saturday was spent on a junk boat (comments on that I'll save for another time), got to do some wakeboarding... and finished off with 180 and street evangelism at night.

Sunday went to our last Sunday service at VC1, Facetimed the Ma's into service! hahaha... and then spent the afternoon tossing and sleeping in the grass, to finish off the day with Plus dinner.

God's been speaking to me about letting go of a LOT of things... some of which I have held on to for over 6 years! I don't even know why I was still holding on to it!!! I didn't feel anything but silly when I put it down. That's not true... my heart feels lighter, and I feel more free. It's been good, and this is still only the beginning. Craziness!

I did end up with my second sun burn of the summer... much worse than the last one, and sore muscles from wakeboarding... but the soreness feels good... the burnt skin... not so much. It hurts to lean against my chair.... *sigh*

So begins another week...

2011-06-27T17:45:00.000+08:00

So according to the grapevine (aka Margo), Thad and Vicky got married this weekend! Congrats guys!

She sent me pictures via Whatsapp (my solution to long distance texting!)... and suddenly *poof* I am going down memory lane again. How so, you might ask? So in the picture... which was really just the bride and groom and his best man and groomsman... 4 guys all together. I grew up with some of these guys. Thad and I were in the same Sunday School class when we were like 8? The other 3 I grew up with at E3C as we made our way through Samuel, Petros, LS... kinda Crossroads and then cell groups.

How many hours did we spend roaming through Southgate? Hahaha... taking ETS around the city before any of us could drive and had cars. OMG! How did we ever get a hold of each other before cell phones?! Countless hours on ICQ... yes, I just said ICQ. But no, I am not one of those who still remembers her number. :P Track meets, bball, hockey... OMG Mother's Day banquets... I am LOL-ing as I remember all these crazy and stupid memories.

We had some good times... and some well... not so great times, but at the end of the day I'm thankful for their friendship, and what they brought into my life growing up in Edmonton. Cheers to you McNally boys! :)

It was one of those weekends...

2011-06-20T16:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes God speaks gently to me, and it's nice. Most of the time (I'm starting to wonder if it is due to my stubborn nature) He has to kick me so hard in the behind that I end up falling face first in front of him crying. I had another one of those moments this past weekend.

That's what he had to do to get my attention this weekend. Yes... my eyes are swollen from crying once again. Bah! God kept speaking... and they hurt. Not that God was intentionally inflicting pain on me. It hurt because the true state of my heart was revealed to me... the longings and dreams and desires that I had been ignoring... he brought it all to the front and made me deal with them.

God dug deep last night... until the wee hours of the morning. It was good... just painful.

... and it was made clear

2011-06-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

Bah... God made himself loud and clear this weekend. So... the final decision has been made. Will blog more about this when all affected parties have been informed. For now... this was the only response that I could come up with to what He has said this weekend.

"There is none like you
No one else can touch my heart like you do
I can search for eternity long
And find there is none like you"

on a collision course... for my past

2011-06-13T17:09:00.001+08:00

It is on very rare occassions that my Edmonton world collides with my Hong Kong world, and when this does happen, most often it is under my planning and control... (should've known that God would take that away as well... ) If people from Edmonton show up in Hong Kong, and esp show up at the Vine... I generally have some kind of prior knowledge that this would be happening. This past weekend... I had a very interesting visitor... my friend's dad... AKA one of my best friend's husband's dad (my friend and my best friend are 2 different people... and they're married to each other... hahaha)... aka uncle from my home church. And he didn't show up for Sunday service, he showed up for 180! Perhaps it was a good thing that we had Pastor Tony with us on Saturday!

It made me think a lot about home... and strangely... I had actually spent that whole day prior to 180 thinking about E3C... which is something that I have been thinking a lot about... and has brought about a LOT of very interesting thoughts and feelings towards the church which I call my home church.

One of the biggest things that have kept coming up this past while... and made itself very clear is that I can't shove the Edmonton part of my life... or part of who I am under a rug and pretend like that person never existed. No matter what I do... that person will be a part of who I am... good and bad. It is time for me to reconcile that person with the person I am now. And I think my lunch date conversation sparked that realization even more so.... this should be very interesting. Bwar... I thought I dealt with this already... but apparently there's more that's been buried which I have not dealt with.... *sigh*

On a random note... Super8 was an interesting movie to end the weekend on... and can't believe that after a year and some of wanting to watch the movie Crossings (about North Korea)... we watched it as a 180 event this past Saturday! It just made me realize some more of how God loves me... and always gives me what I ask for... (and never in MY time... hahaha) It's been a good weekend! :)

Not so cool is that my scalp has started peeling... because I burnt my head last week at the WACA beach outting... and I have a most strange burn on my back which is starting to heal as well.... hahahaha... :P

It's a strange feeling... it is...

2011-06-10T17:35:00.000+08:00

"A confession of the gospel of God alive in your life must be accompanied by obedience to the calling of the Holy Spirit living within you. With obedience will come great power, and with obedience will come the things that are beyond what you can think or imagine." ~ me

I've been having this strange yearning to make a trip to the other side of the Pacific... why? I don't quite fully understand. Perhaps it is just a need to get out of Hong Kong? There feels like something I need to do over there, but what is it? Do I even have the money for a trip like this? That quote from my own journal haunts me as I ponder this itching within me.

I am restless about work, life... everything. I want to take a break from it all. To not have to wake up to fulfill my duties... in whichever area. Hermit mode is kicking in... I want to hide in a cave until my physical person catches up with my thoughts. Maybe that's why I want to go to the other side... where life is slower... and perhaps at that pace I can catch up with my own thoughts.

I want to be obedient... because I know that leads to great things... yet I don't quite know what that means at the moment. Yes... I really need to get away and think... maybe I need another weekend at Bethany... since that's cheaper than travelling to the other side of the world... yet I feel like I need to go that way still... why?! What does He want me to do over there?! Argh... I need prayers.... and I need to pray more...

Colours

2011-06-03T11:01:00.000+08:00

I was wearing a yellow shirt yesterday... and my boss came in and made an observation... "Is yellow your favourite colour?" to which I pointed to the array of yellow toys/items surrounding my desk and responded with "yes." My boss then made the observation that my favourite colours were green and yellow. I can't argue with that, he is correct.

In the past couple of weeks, I have started with the question of what is my favourite colour. People always like to ask that question as some sort of conversation starter or ice breaker, and I tend to all colours, because I can never decide which is my favourite colour. So as one of my first things to learn about myself, I decided that I must decide for myself which will be my favourite colour.

I have decided. My favourite colour of all time is yellow! This probably does not surprise anyone as I love rubber duckies, yellow flowers, yellow shirts, minions from Despicable me :)... etc. For goodness sakes the colour of my iPhone case is yellow! Yes, it is my favourite colour! But I must admit I don't like the colour of yellow stickies so much... it's not bright enough. Unless it's the brighter yellow stickies.. not the typical yellow. Yes... as I have mentioned before... anything yellow brigtens up my day and makes me happy!

A very close second is green. It's always been a favourite colour growing up.... before yellow took over. Hahaha... I remember when I was little, I used to pick everything green. My backpack was green, my binders were green, notebooks... (maybe that's why I loved Keroppi... oh those Sanrio days.) Yes... that was me. But... green just doesn't brighten up my day like yellow... so it's not my absolute favourite colour, but if yellow is a not a choice, then my next choice will be green! :) I think that's why I find nature so soothing. I love being outdoors with trees and grass (even though I think I'm allergic to grass... thank goodness for hydrocortisone cream!)... or maybe it is the love of nature that I like green. Regardless, it doesn't matter!

There you have it! I have discovered my favourite colours! I think next, I shall decide what is my favourite foods of all time. This is getting interesting... but ultimately the goal of discovering all these things is to gain a confidence in myself... to be more sure of myself. :) This will be good!

Memories...

2011-06-01T15:19:00.001+08:00

You know this blog has become some what of a... self-therapy for myself. Hahaha... it's a place for me to release a lot of things. Anyways... with Martin Smith leading worship at Worship Central and at church this past weekend, it has dragged up a lot of memories in me. So here I go at another attempt to sort those out.

One of my favourite songs of all times... I don't know if it's a favourite actually, but has had a huge significance in my life is Delirious song King of Love. The words go:

King of Love you've called my name
You gave me life although the shame
Had covered me, you took my hand,
And here I stand, I'm saved my grace

Father God, you heard my prayer
From deep within my spirit cried
If there's a God, come rescue me
Now here I stand, I'm saved my grace

I will thank-you for saving my soul
For you've shown me the truth in your word
I will take up my cross and follow you
Now I live for the glory of God

Now we turn, to walk away
From selfishness, the pride and hate
And when we pass through stony ground
We'll glady walk upon our knees

So we cry out "Come change us Lord
Into a church that loves your word."
We will return to knowing you
With joy we walk beneath the cross

I still remember the first time I found this song. It was just before Samuel/Petros Spring Camp... in grade 12, I won't tell you what year that was... hahaha. I was on the leadership team, as well as worship team... basically we ran the camp AND lead worship. (In other words, we were the boss... with the exception of Pastor Al and Pastor Henry.) Was it our first year at Birch Bay? Perhaps it was that was well.

By the time I had hit grade 12 (senior year of high school for the Americans reading this blog), God and church had become a very significant part of my life. To be honest... I think back in those days... "serving" and "doing stuff" at church was bigger than God. You were cool if you were on leadership and you got on stage to do worship for Samuel and Petros... if felt like people strived for those things... and weren't striving for God so much. Anyways... I could sit here and b*tch about the way things were growing up, but that's not for today.

Back to the song... I remember finding this song. It's a very simply song, with a very simply melody... it wasn't a rock out song or anything, but I just remember thinking this is what we needed. This should be the cry of our hearts... in particular, it was the second verse that really hit me. I remember thinking that this was what we needed... and I practiced and practiced and practiced the song in preparation that we could sing this at Spring Camp!

Let's just not get into all the details of the story. We had a packed packed program of "stuff" and very little God. Lots of hurt people resulted... and there were feelings, words... etc that I'd really rather not remember. Perhaps... you can say God humbled some of us. People totally were not in a place for that song... they totally did not get into it AT ALL! Perhaps there should've been a bit more praying for the hearts of people... than just practicing a song so I'd be able to sing and play at the same time.

Looking back, this is most likely when I started to dislike "running programs"... but I also wasn't taught anything else. There was very little emphasize and teaching on preparation through prayer and in prayer for events... and much emphasize on making sure every detail is planned out. I learned a lot... through that experience... regardless of whether I wanted to learn those things or not... and it was a very painful lesson. Being "at the top" as they put it is lonely... and it was lonely at that camp. I think I wondered if that was the stony ground the song was talking about... but I was definitely not walking on it "gladly" on my knees... I was begrudgingly walking on my knees... and putting up with the pain because I had no other choice.

That's a long time ago... and I've grown up much since then. Learned a lot about praying and the importance of covering things in prayer. The importance of asking God to come in... and giving Him room to lead and move. Still... it's good to remember those times... which for the most part I've tried to erase from my memory. It is good to remember that I haven't always been this way... and that it's only because of God that I am no longer the same as I was in high school. Thank goodness! hahaha... if I was still the same person I was back then... there would be a problem. :P

Empty words... not so much.

2011-05-31T11:22:00.001+08:00

Still searching around on @worshipcentral.org...

Found this verse from the song Wake Up

I'm ready to rise
I'm ready to fall
To lay down my life and give it all
I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go

I'm ready for joy
I'm ready for pain
Tear open my heart Lord once again
I'm ready for You. I'm ready for You

How can someone open up their mouth and sing words like this?!?!? That's some crazy stuff! These are not words you lightly throw at God! If you say words like this to God, He will take you up on it! He will really take your life... and He will really tear open your heart! I'm struggling with such a proclaimation of my life at the moment. Am I ready? What does it really mean to be ready anyways? God just wants willing and obedient people right? As long as we're willing and obedient then He will equip us with whatever we need to do whatever it is He wants us to do, right?

We were talking about humility at Plus last night... and the past year and a half has been a very humbling year. The moment that I decided to take the plunge... and dove head first with God into the raging waterfall... I surrendered any rights I had over my life. My plans, dreams, hopes, wants, desires, etc... it all became God's... and time and time again this past year and a half... He has been reminding me of that.

The primary reason I left my job at the bank... to pursue a degree in social work? So I thought I would be at school at the moment, but no. God took that and said, it will happen in his time and in his way. So a year later... after not getting into HKU for Sep 2010, I now have a spot at CUHK for Sep 2011, yet He's still asking me to put this down and do something else? God must be so amused when we think we can plan and do things better than He can.

It's been a good reminder of how little control I have over my life. I mean that not in a bad way at all... I say this in complete awe of God... and that I would not be here without Him... I couldn't be here without Him. Wow... looking back... it has been a crazy 2 years. Even before I was ready... those words were in my heart. I said ready without ever saying the words ready... so I can sing that song with conviction and know that I sing it and mean it. I can sing those words and really mean that I want God to come and continue to be in control of ALL of me, and for Him to continue to tear open my heart.

Oh dear... what am I saying? hahaha... more dangerous prayers are on their way!

On a different note... took out my guitar again for the first time in awhile. It was good... I've missed my guitar. :)

wow... 2 in one day!

2011-05-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

Okay... I can't stop listening to this song.... @worshipcentral.org

Spirit Break Out

Our Father, All of heaven roars your name
Sing louder, let this place erupt with praise
Can you hear it, the sound of heaven touching earth
The sound of heaven touching earth

Spirit break out, break our walls down
Spirit break out, heaven come down

King Jesus, you're the one we're lifting high
Your glory, shaking up the earth and skies
Revival, we want to see your kingdom here
We want to see your kingdom here

Such a power song!! Argh... I can't stop listening to this song... and singing this song... ahhh.... SPIRIT BREAK OUT!!!!

The weekend...

2011-05-30T11:56:00.000+08:00

Hmm... what a weekend it was. I could talk about Worship Central, but that would just be a lot of talk about what I saw at the registration table... the load of junk food that we ate while sitting there.... and all the stupid stuff that we did. From what I did get to participate in... it was pretty amazing. :) "Dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance... dance, dance, everybody dance NOW!" Glad that I got to participate in that at least!

So the picture was taken from the back of Worship Central. But on Sunday at for worship at church, I was right up at the front... in front of the stage... my fav place to worship. No chairs in my way... with Martin Smith leading worship... so good. God was there. Still picking out all of the little hidden gems from God this past weekend.

I can't explain to you how awesome it was for me to be standing there in front of the stage at my own church with Martin Smith leading worship... I don't want to give the wrong idea that I worship this guy... or his music or anything. But this is the guy who wrote some of the songs that shaped me as a teenager... songs that touched my heart and pulled me out of ruts... :P I'll be honest, I was mad excited the first time I saw Delirious? live at YC (Youth Conference).

It was a special moment for me. It has actually got me thinking about when we were all 13-14... picking up instruments for the first time... looking at chord charts for the first time... learning to put together setlists... song arrangements.... who plays where... who plays which part... who sings which part... the excitement of learning new songs... planning a worship night... there were definitely some interesting times. Sorting through the assortment of good and bad memories.

One thing that is sticking in my memory is the rawness of learning to play from chord sheets for the first time... hacking away at my own piano for hours... figuring out melodies... what sounds good.. and what doesn't.... it all seems so long ago! I miss those days. Putting off the practicing of my classical pieces to practice the latest worship song we were learning at youth group... or a song I had heard on the weekend. :P

Lately I've been on this journey to discover myself... what I like, what I don't like... what is my real opinion on certain things... what do I value... etc. So I guess this weekend has been a reminder of how music has been such a huge part of my life. It is something that I love. This is a way in which I connect with God. What does that mean for me though? How does this play out in the bigger picture of my life and my purpose? I'm not sure... I do think that there is a lot of negative things that were acquired through my teenage years that may need to be brought up, addressed and removed from my life...

These are the only thoughts that I've been able to piece together that has made any sense... still working on the rest of everything that had come up. :P

'Til next time!

so mad at myself...

2011-05-23T10:38:00.000+08:00

*sigh*.... so mad at myself for losing my ring.

learning to let go though... it is JUST a ring. :)

on a different note... had a really good dinner last night... which now begins the adventure of eating at all the cooked food markets in and around Hong Kong!

I once was lost... but now I'm found!

2011-05-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

Wow... I can't believe that it has been 6 years. I look at who I was 6 years ago... and all that I was feeling and going through at the time... then I look at who I am today... all that I am going through and feeling at the moment, and I have nothing to say but "God is good!."

How far my God has carried me these past 6 years... from that lost little girl sitting in her bedroom trying to figure out what she just did... and hating herself for it. I've done so much to try to forget everything, and to numb the pain... but it wasn't until I fell face first in front of my God that I realized that He is and has always been all that I needed.

Since that day 6 years ago, God has carried me so far. Instead of being bound by the shame and guilt of my past, I am free! I can share my story with others not with a sense of shame but with joy at how God has used... even that event in my life to shape me into the person that you see before you all today. That I can share that story, and still give praise and glory to my God everything that He has done in life! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Him!

It has not been an easy road, but it has been a good journey. The hardest part has probably been forgiving myself and learning once again to see myself as God sees me, and to accept that despite everything God loves me. GOD LOVES ME! I, who have broken his heart so horribly... I who have let him down time and time again... I who fall so so so short of his glory.... yet despite it all, He loves ME! Not only does he love me, but he finds me beautiful...

"Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away."

I believe the time has come for me to answer that beckoning... to finally get up and follow Him. I've been waiting for this for a long time... and it's finally time. There's only one right answer when God calls us to go with him... and that is YES! Because no other road I'll travel will be able to compare to the adventure that I will go on when I follow Him! So as I sit here thinking on the pass 6 years of my life... I am left with the realization that I would be nothing without my God. He deserves ALL of my life... and simply because of that, I shall go. I will give him the year that He has asked for and follow Him!

Trip down memory lane...

2011-05-11T12:20:00.000+08:00

Haha... someone said the word "singsperation" the other day at Plus... OMG... it's been so long since I have heard that word. Definitely took me down memory lane... and later on, I went home with this song singing in my head:

"May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You, pleasing to You

You're my rock and my redeemer
You're the reason that I sing
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes

Every hour, every moment
Lord I want to be your servant
I desire to be a blessing in Your eyes"

I used to love that song... and I guess I was thinking about those words because I know lately that the words coming out of my mouth and some of the things that I have been thinking have NOT been pleasing to God. Sorry to those who have had to put up with my "words of death"... I really am so so so sorry! I am learning to hold my tongue and to speak words of life. You've all been given permission to call me out on my "words of death." I feel terrible for some of the things that I have let slip out of my mouth lately, thank-you to those who have been gracious and discerning with my words.

post number two hundred

2011-05-04T21:25:00.000+08:00

Today I had a thought... well, I had more than one thought... which all stemmed from this one quote that I read yesterday:

"I only hope that we're not too well educated to be courageous." Coming from a Palestinian who is part of a group that are trying to use nonviolent methods to unite Palestine. A response when asked what if the Israelis respond with violence to their non-violent protests... they're willing to sacrifice their lives if it means it can make a point in the middle East that terrorism will not change anything.

Have we as Christians become too educated to be courageous? Have we all gone to University gotten our degrees and found nice well paying jobs and told God that we need to be in workplace ministry and settled for that? That wasn't even what bothered me.... cause I know I'm surrounded by a lot of people who are wiling to go anywhere for God. it was the thought "Would I be willing to stake my life like that for God?" Could I continue to love people as Christ requires if I knew that my life was in danger? Isn't that basically what Jesus did?

I want to say yes. I want to say that I am willing to die for my God... but that is a heavy statement and not one to be made lightly... Then today I had some... *ahem* incidents at work where I totally did not respond with grace, and the thought that came to my mind was... "How can I want to say that I'll die for Christ when I won't even turn the other cheek for him to love on the people He has placed around me?"

Let's not go to extreme... but how can I say I'll go to the nations for God when I won't even wake up early in the morning to spend time with Him? So today, I am left to wrestle with the thoughts of whether I am really willing to go to the nations for my God... and if I really am willing to stake my life... to the point where death does not matter for my God.

How important is God to you? Is He worth anything and everything to you? Is His calling and purpose more important to you than anything the world has to offer you?

Where has April gone?!

2011-04-29T12:21:00.000+08:00

Seriously... how can April be almost over already?! I don't even know what happened this past month!!!

Well last week was certainly a very packed week... PolyU interview, meeting for a potential internship in Cambodia... last week with B&E... :( missions to Changsha, and now this week is almost over as well!

Interviews and meeting I know is what most people have been wanting to know about, all I have to say is that they are done, and it's all in God's hands. I trust that He will open the right doors and that He will give me the obedience to walk through them when the time comes. :)

I have to be honest... there was defintely water works at my last week with my Plus family B&E. Hahaha.. not to say that my new Plus is bad... they're just as wonderful, but it's still sad. This is the family that has been walking with me through life for the last 2 and some years! All the ups and downs... breakthroughs and stubborness... it's been some good times! Will definitely miss them! At the same time, very excited for what God will reveal in this new season with a new Plus!

Pretty funny and ironic... or just God's perfect timing as usual, went to ANHOP on Wednesday, and they were praying about leaving the old and going forward into the new. I think when April ends, I will definitely be entering into a new season in all aspects of my life... work is actually changing as well... we've finally replaced my coworker who left, and I will be moving into my dual role of personal assistant and funding assistant. (Promotion and Pay raise included... hahaha :P) New Plus... new role in Plus... as a Plus leader... etc etc etc.

Actually... I feel like I am in a transition phase between the old and the new... after talking to a friend last night... it may be a season of breaking a lot of the old ways of life that I had developed... growing up in a not so healthy Christian environment. It's breaking my heart as these things are being revealed to me.... and just how screwed up my way of thinking and processing has become because of it... but I don't want to live with all that stuff anymore... and I want God to free me from all that so that I may grow and be even better! Or perhaps that is the new season... a season of breaking off the old...

This will be very very interesting... God is good. :)

I've got love on the brain...

2011-04-19T11:53:00.006+08:00

So for the past couple days, my mind has been stuck on this concept of love. Not the "oooooh looooove" kinda love, but Love, as God is Love. The Love that changes people from the inside out, the Love that can change the world...

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother." ~ 1 John 4:7-21

When John is talking about hating one's brother, the word hate is defined in a comparative nature. It means to denounce one choice in favour of another. To love someone less than someone else... He repeats this line more than once in the book of 1 John... that if we proclaim to love God, but do no love our brothers and sisters, we are liars. Wow... but we have to remember that the line before this says that "we love because he first loved us."
Actually, that makes it even harder. If God's love is the example for which we must follow in how we love our brothers and sisters... that means we must love everyone more than ourselves. Which the the calling of being a follower of Christ. Perhaps it's time for me to get my own head out of my own arse to start seeing people as Christ sees people, and not as I see people.

God gave me a glimpse of what happens when we get our heads out our own arses... you begin to see how God's heart breaks for those around you... and OMG it hurts!!! But... when God is pleased and happy... that joy is also just as encompassing! I don't know how to explain it, but when we can get past ourselves and stop acting in a "self preservation" mode... God comes in and He moves, and He works....

I'm not perfect... and I'll be honest, as my heart began to hurt, I began to shut myself up. I took the pain, but I didn't act on it... and I didn't obey God's calling to love as He had wanted me to. Right now I'm still struggling with the obedience to the higher calling of loving everyone... but I want to be one who is obedient, I want to be someone who practices what she speaks... so... I will continue to pray for more grace and love from God to carry this out.

Friday... mid April

2011-04-15T11:02:00.000+08:00

Wow... I am cranky pants today. I woke up feeling like the world just trampled all over me. I woke up feeling so defeated, like the whole world was against me, and trying to screw me over.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died - more than that, who was raised - who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." ~ Romans 8: 31-37

I know these thoughts hold no truth. I know that I am not defeated, I know that my friends are not waiting to stab me in the back. These thoughts and feelings are NOT of God. Where does all this crap come from?! Actually, I think I know where it all comes from, but God has promised that I don't have to be that person anymore.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am a new creation... I don't have to live in all that crap anymore. Those things are not of the new creation that God has made me. I know that this journey that I'm decided to embark on will not be easy, but I am determined to embrace who God has made to me. Allowing to remove all that shall not remain... I trust I trust I trust. This will be hard... the more I trust, the harder these thoughts are going to be to fight... But I am relieved in knowing that in Christ victory is already mine, that He is walking with me, going through it all with me. He has also blessed with an amazing family (you all know who you are!) to walk with me, encourage me, and pray with and for me! This is POSSIBLE because of Christ!

I feel much better now. :)