So the other morning, I woke up to the strangest dream. Actually scrap strange, it was just down right horrid. The only thing I could remember was a huge sense of dread because I was late for class but couldn't get on the train... and then I couldn't find the platform for the train, so I eventually never made it to class. To make matters worse, it meant I missed my exam... and oh my goodness, it just kept going in circles. Running late... missing exam... failing. Which all led to such feelings of stress and confusion when I woke up. :(
I am scared... I know that I'm not suppose to be scared or anxious, but I am. I terrified to get my marks back, I'm so friggin' scared outta my mind that I'm gonna get my stuff back from last semester and find out that I have failed everything and I won't be able to go on to semester 2. Call it irrational if you will... but my confidence has been shaken. Despite how many times God reminds me that He wants me to be in school and that He has placed me here for a reason, and that He has a plan for me in this season... I am still scared. I am still waiting for that door to slam in my face, and to heard a huge resounding "I told you so." An I told you so, in the sense of me hearing wrong from God, in the sense that I don't hear from God... and in the sense that this isn't what God had intended for me.
No matter how untrue or ungrounded these lies are, they ring in my head. I know that this sense of doubt is flowing into every other aspect of my life as well... and I need to deal with this. I need to deal with these feelings of doubt and fear. I think I just simply need to spend more time in the Word and with God. I'm going to be better at that this year, going to get back into a regular habit of fasting... Was just challenged this morning by Muslims and Hindis who fast and pray on a regular basis... so much more disciplined than I am as a Christian... so with that, I've been challenged, and I will set apart time for God... and keep to that. That is sacred time, and will be a non negotiable.
Anyways... I'm off to play in Shanghai this weekend, and to bring in 2012! Have a good weekend everyone, and I shall update ya'll in the new year! :)
BTW.. this is part of my bday wish list... :P so bad....
30 Dec 2011
28 Dec 2011
Emo is me... blah!
Less than one month to go before I head to Hokkaido... to go snowboarding in Niseko, to check out some of the best powder in the world! But... the more I think about it... the more I get homesick for Alberta... :(
This is the time of the year when I miss being Alberta the most. Despite the cold... (although I heard it's been a rather warm Christmas) and large amounts of snow, I miss it. I miss it all. And this year has been worse than any other year... this will be my 5th season in a row of which I will not hit the slopes of Marmot Basin or Sunshine Village... and OMG I miss it so much! As I start to get ready for my trip... thinking of the snow... all I want to do is jump on the next plane for Canada, grab my buddies and go snowboarding... on the slopes that I know. Where I don't need to look at the terrain map because I already know the runs! hahaha... :P Why can't my placement be during winter time?! Why oh why?! Seriously winter 2013... anyone up for a Rockies run in Alberta?! We'll make a stop at Whistler on our way in... I'm booking ya'll now! (Speaking the girl who may have no money by then... :P)
Maybe I'm just tired. I'm tired of the crowds of Hong Kong... the noise, the rude people, the smells... the lack of space. The lack of fresh air... I'm tired of it all. Or perhaps, I really miss my friends... I miss the familiarity of them... I miss being around people with whom I need not explain what I am thinking or feeling... Whatever it is... I want to go back to Edmonton. At least for a little bit... do all the things that I love and am used to. Haha.. but there's also nothing to go back to... our house has been sold for years now... as have my car... So even if I go back, it wouldn't be the same. But still... I want to go. My whole family is here in Hong Kong... my home is here now... but there's still a part of me that would like to go back to Edmonton... I don't know if I could go back for good... but to spend some time there for a little while.
Argh... I dunno. I want to go SNOWBOARDING IN MARMOT BASIN NOW!!!!! So so so wish I could just get in a car and drive out there like... right now! *sigh*
This is the time of the year when I miss being Alberta the most. Despite the cold... (although I heard it's been a rather warm Christmas) and large amounts of snow, I miss it. I miss it all. And this year has been worse than any other year... this will be my 5th season in a row of which I will not hit the slopes of Marmot Basin or Sunshine Village... and OMG I miss it so much! As I start to get ready for my trip... thinking of the snow... all I want to do is jump on the next plane for Canada, grab my buddies and go snowboarding... on the slopes that I know. Where I don't need to look at the terrain map because I already know the runs! hahaha... :P Why can't my placement be during winter time?! Why oh why?! Seriously winter 2013... anyone up for a Rockies run in Alberta?! We'll make a stop at Whistler on our way in... I'm booking ya'll now! (Speaking the girl who may have no money by then... :P)
Maybe I'm just tired. I'm tired of the crowds of Hong Kong... the noise, the rude people, the smells... the lack of space. The lack of fresh air... I'm tired of it all. Or perhaps, I really miss my friends... I miss the familiarity of them... I miss being around people with whom I need not explain what I am thinking or feeling... Whatever it is... I want to go back to Edmonton. At least for a little bit... do all the things that I love and am used to. Haha.. but there's also nothing to go back to... our house has been sold for years now... as have my car... So even if I go back, it wouldn't be the same. But still... I want to go. My whole family is here in Hong Kong... my home is here now... but there's still a part of me that would like to go back to Edmonton... I don't know if I could go back for good... but to spend some time there for a little while.
Argh... I dunno. I want to go SNOWBOARDING IN MARMOT BASIN NOW!!!!! So so so wish I could just get in a car and drive out there like... right now! *sigh*
25 Dec 2011
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!!
Here's to another year of this blog... thanks for following and reading! Hope you're all having a good holiday and festive season with loved ones! :)
Here's to another year of this blog... thanks for following and reading! Hope you're all having a good holiday and festive season with loved ones! :)
23 Dec 2011
Advent Day 23
This Cars2 shoebox is sooo cool! I just want the box... hahahaha... and I still have never seen the ToyStory 3 boxes... who needs to wrap the shoebox when it looks like this?!
And this was my job yesterday... trying to sort through all these shoeboxes and make sure they're organized for handing out! Much thanks to our donors! Some of these boxes look REAL nice! :)
Oh.. but back to the Bobble picture at the top! That's what I got from Steal the Bacon this year! Hahaha.... I mean Bacon and Egg's version of white elephant gift exchange... Steal the Bacon sounds better. Our game got so rowdy this year that the security came up and told us to keep it down.... hahahaha.... oh Bacon and Eggs... it's always a good time with you guys, thanks for having me back! :) It was like going home for Christmas and hangout with siblings! I seriously just felt so at home, and that was real nice. I love that despite how long I've been gone, that everytime I'm in the midst of you guys I feel so at ease and comfortable... you guys truly are family! This year, I did not have Steal the Bacon fail... no missing wine glasses!! Woohoo!!! :)
Can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Excited for some Pride and Prejudice action... with cheese and Martini Asti... it's gonna be a good night! :)
21 Dec 2011
Advent Day 21
I can't believe that Christmas is in another 4 days... where has December gone?! Tonight I get to join Bacon and Eggs for their annual Christmas party... and gift exchange! Always a riot.... I'm excited! It's like going home for Christmas! :)
Oh... and we did a spiritual gifts test thingy... and my top ones were: faith, mercy, pastor/teacher, exhortation... very interesting.
Don't got much else to say today... so that is all.
20 Dec 2011
Advent Day 20
19 Dec 2011
Advent Day 19
Hahaha... oh dear, I am getting quite bad at this.
I had a very very busy weekend. Saturday it was worship practice for Christmas Carols Service on Sunday... rush off before finishing to get to work for the Christmas party... and was gonna run back to church for the prayer meeting, but the Christmas party ran late, so didn't end up going. Had dinner with coworker, and then stopped by games night... and left that early to go home and crash because I was completely knackered. I also had to be at church by 8:30 for soundcheck, so I thought I would try to get some early-ish and get some good rest.
Sunday was at church all day since I was playing for both services. It was a lot of fun, strings in church! Soooo nice! :) Still weird to be singing Christmas carols while there is no snow on the ground... but it's ok. Then after 4pm, it was Pyoo's farewell party... which concluded with late night eats in Quarry Bay with my beloved Wongs. Hahahaha... :)
And here we are at Monday... so weird when I come to work and clients come up to tell me, "I saw you on stage yesterday!"... yet this is my sphere of influence. This is my job... and these are the people whom I serve at the moment. Today work is rough... as Monday always are a bit crazy... especially chaotic today though! hahaha... so... I shall end here, and be a good worker and go back to my work now!
Sunday was at church all day since I was playing for both services. It was a lot of fun, strings in church! Soooo nice! :) Still weird to be singing Christmas carols while there is no snow on the ground... but it's ok. Then after 4pm, it was Pyoo's farewell party... which concluded with late night eats in Quarry Bay with my beloved Wongs. Hahahaha... :)
And here we are at Monday... so weird when I come to work and clients come up to tell me, "I saw you on stage yesterday!"... yet this is my sphere of influence. This is my job... and these are the people whom I serve at the moment. Today work is rough... as Monday always are a bit crazy... especially chaotic today though! hahaha... so... I shall end here, and be a good worker and go back to my work now!
16 Dec 2011
Advent Day 16
Yay, I got through a full week of work, after being off for a whole week! :) Just got to do another half day tomorrow, and the weekend shall begin!
Today's verse of the day from the ESV:
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praises and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" ~ Psalm 30:11-12
Hahaha... I love it! :)
Anyways... more reflections after having completed one semester of school. I've come to realize that I have a very very strong defence mechanism. Or rather my instinct to protect myself is quite strong. One of my favourites... is dissociation. I am quite good at pretending I feel nothing when in reality I actually do feel something.... actually, this only works with postive emotions. I'm quite bad at hiding my bad emotions, ie if I am angry or upset about something. Well... depends on the situation... because I can also remain quite calm when I'm actually fuming in anger on the inside... depending on who I am talking to I guess.
Yes... but I do not like to betray that I am happy about something... for some reason I find that as a sign of vulnerability. I don't like people to know when something makes me happy... I am very good at dissociating... esp when I feel like it make me vulnerable... hmm... very interesting thought. Can one ever do TOO much self reflection?! hahaha... anyways.
On other things... I totally am not gonna finish the Bible before the end of 2011... I gave it a good go... and school got so friggin' busy... it was not cool to try to do the Bible in 90 days while also trying to do school and work all at the same time. I'm still stuck in Judges. I will try to do as much as I can over the holidays.... so maybe I can get closer to finishing the entire Bible... and hopefully this time it doesn't take me like 3 years to go from cover to cover! :P
Today's verse of the day from the ESV:
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praises and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" ~ Psalm 30:11-12
Hahaha... I love it! :)
Anyways... more reflections after having completed one semester of school. I've come to realize that I have a very very strong defence mechanism. Or rather my instinct to protect myself is quite strong. One of my favourites... is dissociation. I am quite good at pretending I feel nothing when in reality I actually do feel something.... actually, this only works with postive emotions. I'm quite bad at hiding my bad emotions, ie if I am angry or upset about something. Well... depends on the situation... because I can also remain quite calm when I'm actually fuming in anger on the inside... depending on who I am talking to I guess.
Yes... but I do not like to betray that I am happy about something... for some reason I find that as a sign of vulnerability. I don't like people to know when something makes me happy... I am very good at dissociating... esp when I feel like it make me vulnerable... hmm... very interesting thought. Can one ever do TOO much self reflection?! hahaha... anyways.
On other things... I totally am not gonna finish the Bible before the end of 2011... I gave it a good go... and school got so friggin' busy... it was not cool to try to do the Bible in 90 days while also trying to do school and work all at the same time. I'm still stuck in Judges. I will try to do as much as I can over the holidays.... so maybe I can get closer to finishing the entire Bible... and hopefully this time it doesn't take me like 3 years to go from cover to cover! :P
15 Dec 2011
Advent Day 15
Wow... December is half over... 2 more weeks until 2012. Goodness gracious!
Being in school has made me realize a couple of things. One of the things is that I was brought up in an environment and way where I was expected to be in finance, a lawyer, a doctor or some type of health profession, or maybe teaching English at an International school. Hahaha... and perhaps living in midlevels, or trying to climb my way up there... married to an expat... blah blah blah... and here I am working at an NGO and trying to do my Master's in social work. :)
It's funny... there was a time when those really were my goals in life. To climb the corporate ladder.... to be in with the tai tais... and to evetually be a tai tai... hahaha... but now? Now I honestly just want to do God's work. Money is less important (I can't say it's not important cause I'm still human afterall)... I work less for the money and fame and recognition... and more just to know that I'm doing what God wants me to do. I want that to bring me satisfaction... and I want that to be enough.
Had dinner with ex coworkers... talking about people who are living in service apartments in Admiralty... and all paid for my company. I won't lie... there's a part of me that's envious of a life like that... but I look at what my coworkers are doing... and remember what I used to do... and all the stress and unhappiness that came with it... I'm glad that I'm no longer trying to climb the corporate ladder! :P
Anyways... just random thoughts for the day. It's been a busy morning, but did want to squeeze this in before I head off for the day... woohoo... afternoon of running around the NT... or rather ALMOST CHINA.... hahaha... I thought school was done and I no longer have to roam about up there..... apparently not! :P
Being in school has made me realize a couple of things. One of the things is that I was brought up in an environment and way where I was expected to be in finance, a lawyer, a doctor or some type of health profession, or maybe teaching English at an International school. Hahaha... and perhaps living in midlevels, or trying to climb my way up there... married to an expat... blah blah blah... and here I am working at an NGO and trying to do my Master's in social work. :)
It's funny... there was a time when those really were my goals in life. To climb the corporate ladder.... to be in with the tai tais... and to evetually be a tai tai... hahaha... but now? Now I honestly just want to do God's work. Money is less important (I can't say it's not important cause I'm still human afterall)... I work less for the money and fame and recognition... and more just to know that I'm doing what God wants me to do. I want that to bring me satisfaction... and I want that to be enough.
Had dinner with ex coworkers... talking about people who are living in service apartments in Admiralty... and all paid for my company. I won't lie... there's a part of me that's envious of a life like that... but I look at what my coworkers are doing... and remember what I used to do... and all the stress and unhappiness that came with it... I'm glad that I'm no longer trying to climb the corporate ladder! :P
Anyways... just random thoughts for the day. It's been a busy morning, but did want to squeeze this in before I head off for the day... woohoo... afternoon of running around the NT... or rather ALMOST CHINA.... hahaha... I thought school was done and I no longer have to roam about up there..... apparently not! :P
14 Dec 2011
Advent Day 14
Sorry guys, I know I missed another day again yesterday. I was writing my final essay for the semester... and it was handed into veriguide at 11:59:24pm... no jokes! hahaha... it was due before midnight. :)
Okay... so since I've been writing my paper, now my mind has been thinking about abortions in Canada. Why Canada? Well... simply because that's where I am from, but also because of my last post, where I was talking about Plan B, and how it is quite easily accessible within Canada. In light of the recent events in the US regarding Plan B, I had decided to blog about my opinion and response to what people have been asking me.
So further to looking into the accessibility of Plan B in Canada, I went and did some research into abortions in Canada as well. Here is a site dedicated to information regarding this topic. Here you can learn about how MOST abortions in Canada are funded by taxpayers... thank-you to Canada's system of public health care. As a beneficiary of Canada's public health care for so many years, I have to say, it's wonderful! It's great to be able to go to the doctor and just show them my Alberta Health Care (AHC) card, and not have to worry about paying anything. It's costs me about $40 bucks a month? Can't remember, it was great! Knowing this, I also knew that abortions were covered my most provinces within the public health care system. So... I knew that taxpayers were providing for abortions in Canada. It suddenly made me realize that... well.. taxes are going towards killing our next generation. (I currently do not pay taxes, and still have not paid any due to tuition credit before I left... :P)
Did you also know that there are legal boundaries within Canada concerning abortions?! You can legally abort a baby at any point during a pregnancy... wow Canada... I never knew that you were so open. Of course each province has different guidelines, but these are not bound by any laws whatsoever. I think Canada if there was a time and place where we are being too PC... or too much avoidance of conflict... THIS may be one.
Here's another consideration though... abortions in Hong Kong costs money... and there are so many illegal abortion clinics who are willing to do it for you for cheaper. (Oh how lovely the free market is, where there is demand, there is supply... and competition will drive people to do anything to make money...) At the moment... for the health and safety of girls who decide have to have an abortion, despite the fact that taxpayers are paying for abortions in Canada, at least this way, we know that they are being conducted in safe and controlled environments... As much as I don't agree with abortions, I also don't like adding to the complications of the matter with illegal abortion clinics, which just add to the health problems of these ladies, where they may already be dealing with psychological problems as it is...
I don't yet (and I say yet because God promised that He's gonna give me plans and ways to deal with this) how to deal with the whole abortion issue, but I know that it's heavy on my heart, and it's definitely heavy on God's heart... so I'll continue to pray into this issue... until the day God releases into His plans for how we're gonna take back these babies for God!
This is why I'm in school... so I can study these things, and learn more about the issues... :P
Okay... so since I've been writing my paper, now my mind has been thinking about abortions in Canada. Why Canada? Well... simply because that's where I am from, but also because of my last post, where I was talking about Plan B, and how it is quite easily accessible within Canada. In light of the recent events in the US regarding Plan B, I had decided to blog about my opinion and response to what people have been asking me.
So further to looking into the accessibility of Plan B in Canada, I went and did some research into abortions in Canada as well. Here is a site dedicated to information regarding this topic. Here you can learn about how MOST abortions in Canada are funded by taxpayers... thank-you to Canada's system of public health care. As a beneficiary of Canada's public health care for so many years, I have to say, it's wonderful! It's great to be able to go to the doctor and just show them my Alberta Health Care (AHC) card, and not have to worry about paying anything. It's costs me about $40 bucks a month? Can't remember, it was great! Knowing this, I also knew that abortions were covered my most provinces within the public health care system. So... I knew that taxpayers were providing for abortions in Canada. It suddenly made me realize that... well.. taxes are going towards killing our next generation. (I currently do not pay taxes, and still have not paid any due to tuition credit before I left... :P)
Did you also know that there are legal boundaries within Canada concerning abortions?! You can legally abort a baby at any point during a pregnancy... wow Canada... I never knew that you were so open. Of course each province has different guidelines, but these are not bound by any laws whatsoever. I think Canada if there was a time and place where we are being too PC... or too much avoidance of conflict... THIS may be one.
Here's another consideration though... abortions in Hong Kong costs money... and there are so many illegal abortion clinics who are willing to do it for you for cheaper. (Oh how lovely the free market is, where there is demand, there is supply... and competition will drive people to do anything to make money...) At the moment... for the health and safety of girls who decide have to have an abortion, despite the fact that taxpayers are paying for abortions in Canada, at least this way, we know that they are being conducted in safe and controlled environments... As much as I don't agree with abortions, I also don't like adding to the complications of the matter with illegal abortion clinics, which just add to the health problems of these ladies, where they may already be dealing with psychological problems as it is...
I don't yet (and I say yet because God promised that He's gonna give me plans and ways to deal with this) how to deal with the whole abortion issue, but I know that it's heavy on my heart, and it's definitely heavy on God's heart... so I'll continue to pray into this issue... until the day God releases into His plans for how we're gonna take back these babies for God!
This is why I'm in school... so I can study these things, and learn more about the issues... :P
12 Dec 2011
Advent Day 12
Vronca, today is your birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)
So what's on my mind this morning... Plan B, the morning after contraceptive. Not because I need it, thank-you very much, but because several people have asked me what I think about what happened in the States. You know what my answer was? Did you know that in Canada, Plan B is actually available over the counter in most provinces without any age restrictions?! So, in that respect, you can say the US is actually much more conservative on this matter... oh and to add to it, it's covered by most medical insurance plans. Yes... thank-you Canada.
So, I'm really sorry my American friends, but I couldn't care less what Obama endorsed or didn't endorse this past week. The problem doesn't lie within whether this drug is available or not to our teenagers... honestly, if people really wanted access to something, they will find a way. If you ask me... my opinion towards Plan B, is the same as that I hold towards "the Pill." It's a contraceptive people... it's the same as a friggin' condom... sorry if you're offended, but those are my thoughts. I am not going to start waging a war on which types of contraceptive is right, or wrong. I wish to wage a war on attitudes towards sex. For me, what I want to know is whether these teenagers understand what sex does... and how their actions and choices are affecting how their search for their own identity.
Anyways... I'm not gonna waste my thoughts and efforts here... I'm going to pour that energy into the paper that I'm writing... because that's actually what I am trying to write about!!! So... back to my paper.
So what's on my mind this morning... Plan B, the morning after contraceptive. Not because I need it, thank-you very much, but because several people have asked me what I think about what happened in the States. You know what my answer was? Did you know that in Canada, Plan B is actually available over the counter in most provinces without any age restrictions?! So, in that respect, you can say the US is actually much more conservative on this matter... oh and to add to it, it's covered by most medical insurance plans. Yes... thank-you Canada.
So, I'm really sorry my American friends, but I couldn't care less what Obama endorsed or didn't endorse this past week. The problem doesn't lie within whether this drug is available or not to our teenagers... honestly, if people really wanted access to something, they will find a way. If you ask me... my opinion towards Plan B, is the same as that I hold towards "the Pill." It's a contraceptive people... it's the same as a friggin' condom... sorry if you're offended, but those are my thoughts. I am not going to start waging a war on which types of contraceptive is right, or wrong. I wish to wage a war on attitudes towards sex. For me, what I want to know is whether these teenagers understand what sex does... and how their actions and choices are affecting how their search for their own identity.
Anyways... I'm not gonna waste my thoughts and efforts here... I'm going to pour that energy into the paper that I'm writing... because that's actually what I am trying to write about!!! So... back to my paper.
11 Dec 2011
Advent Day 11
Circles... I'm back to that word circles today. Hahaha... I know before Clarissa said that it's not so much we are going in circles, but that we are in spiral going upwards towards God... and it's true. But it's still that circular motion that I'm fixed upon at the moment. I see a lot of repetition which all points towards a particular direction... but I don't quite understand it, so I'm gonna just leave it at the altar and pray and see what God means.
God redeemed something this week... and I didn't realize how much of it was a redemption until today. 2 years ago God took something away from me... this year, He's given it back to me... and I didn't even realize it until it hit me in the face! I don't want to get into too much, ask me if you really want to know more details!
So today was also our church's Christmas Pagent... I was expectant a quiet afternoon of just enjoying the story of Christmas with my church family here in Hong Kong... but for some reason, God decided that He wanted to break my heart today... He hinted at it last night, but He made it so blatantly clear tonight... and He completely broke my heart! I don't know why God wants me to pray for this particular person, and I won't lie... this is like the LAST person I want to be praying for at this moment... but I'll be obedient, and I will pray. God showed me His heart (like I'm always praying for Him to do so)... and oh my goodness... it was so overwhelming. God loves... so so so so so... much! That doesn't even do it justice... if I could show you that love that He showed me today... no words could describe, and I shall pour out that love towards that person in the only way that is possible... through prayer. (OH... but I really don't want to pray.... so so so hard!!!!)
God redeemed something this week... and I didn't realize how much of it was a redemption until today. 2 years ago God took something away from me... this year, He's given it back to me... and I didn't even realize it until it hit me in the face! I don't want to get into too much, ask me if you really want to know more details!
So today was also our church's Christmas Pagent... I was expectant a quiet afternoon of just enjoying the story of Christmas with my church family here in Hong Kong... but for some reason, God decided that He wanted to break my heart today... He hinted at it last night, but He made it so blatantly clear tonight... and He completely broke my heart! I don't know why God wants me to pray for this particular person, and I won't lie... this is like the LAST person I want to be praying for at this moment... but I'll be obedient, and I will pray. God showed me His heart (like I'm always praying for Him to do so)... and oh my goodness... it was so overwhelming. God loves... so so so so so... much! That doesn't even do it justice... if I could show you that love that He showed me today... no words could describe, and I shall pour out that love towards that person in the only way that is possible... through prayer. (OH... but I really don't want to pray.... so so so hard!!!!)
10 Dec 2011
Advent Day 10
Wow... I've been quite bad at keeping up with this, so so sorry! I blame it on illness and exams!
Yay! I've finished my exams for my first semester of grad school! They weren't quite as bad as I had anticipated... but my hand hurts from writing for 2 hours straight 3 times in one week... And it's not just leisure writing... it's writing frantically for 2 hours almost non-stop! Last night I wrote down everything I could remember... went back to revise... and continued to add information back in through the cracks... oh my goodness... and I don't even know if I managed to write everything that was needed! Now I just need to finish my 1800 word essay for Human Behaviour and the Environment, and I'm done my first semester of grad school!
After the craziness of the week, the classmates and I went to celebrate by taking up 3 large tables for hotpot in MK. Oh my goodness, I haven't laughed so hard in so long. It was a nice way to finish off the semester, and always nice to get to know my classmates better. So strange... usually in a crowd, I am the one who is be loud and crazy... but when I'm with the classmates, I tend to remain relatively quiet and under the radar. Well... not strange, it's mainly because my Chinese does not allow me to keep up with the conversation. :P I also find it quite fascinating that they find ME so fascinating... question of the night "Do you have hotpot in Canada?" Hahaha... it's like asking if there's hamburgers in Hong Kong... cute.
So yesterday I was having brain shut down day, and just couldn't get into studying. All I kept having play in my head was the tag (I even broke out the guitar!):
"All I want is
Just to know your heart
And may you keep me here
Until we're one"
That was pretty much all I could think about all day... and the other part of that tag:
"It's just a little while longer and I'll see you
It's just a little while longer and I'll know you
It's just a little while longer and we'll be together"
And suddenly yesterday during my exam (yes... God apparently speaks also during exams while I'm trying to squeeze out all that I had crammed into my head), it dawned on me. These words represent the cry of my heart so so well. My desire in pursuing this education in social work is basically to know His heart. I want to learn more about the heart beat of God... the things that break in his heart... and what his plans and purposes are for me in this area. And I need God to keep me in school until I've learned all that He wishes me to know, and my will is aligned with His. So as I sat there in the middle of my exam, I was suddenly overwhelmed by how this is ALL God. I write these exams not to please my professors for marks, but I write these exams for God. I will write down the words that He wishes me to write, and I will learn the things that He wishes for me to learn... I am in school for God, to please God, and to glorify God and for no one else and no other purpose. What a huge load that was off my chest... to suddenly know that I answer to God... and instead of asking myself "What does my professor want me to answer to this question?" I find myself asking "God, how would you like me to answer this question?" Most people will think I'm pretty dumb for thinking like this... but I know that this is right.
Then the other part is simply a promise from God that it's just gonna be a little while longer before I get to walk out the dreams and passions that He has given me. Which means that I'll get to see more of God, I'll get to know Him deeper, and I'll get to walk even more in alignment with God! What a beautiful revelation from my Father in heaven! And I feel like these words not only relate to school stuff... but also to other things that God has been speaking to me about lately as well! I am so floored when I think and ponder the ways in which my Father loves me!
Yay! I've finished my exams for my first semester of grad school! They weren't quite as bad as I had anticipated... but my hand hurts from writing for 2 hours straight 3 times in one week... And it's not just leisure writing... it's writing frantically for 2 hours almost non-stop! Last night I wrote down everything I could remember... went back to revise... and continued to add information back in through the cracks... oh my goodness... and I don't even know if I managed to write everything that was needed! Now I just need to finish my 1800 word essay for Human Behaviour and the Environment, and I'm done my first semester of grad school!
After the craziness of the week, the classmates and I went to celebrate by taking up 3 large tables for hotpot in MK. Oh my goodness, I haven't laughed so hard in so long. It was a nice way to finish off the semester, and always nice to get to know my classmates better. So strange... usually in a crowd, I am the one who is be loud and crazy... but when I'm with the classmates, I tend to remain relatively quiet and under the radar. Well... not strange, it's mainly because my Chinese does not allow me to keep up with the conversation. :P I also find it quite fascinating that they find ME so fascinating... question of the night "Do you have hotpot in Canada?" Hahaha... it's like asking if there's hamburgers in Hong Kong... cute.
So yesterday I was having brain shut down day, and just couldn't get into studying. All I kept having play in my head was the tag (I even broke out the guitar!):
"All I want is
Just to know your heart
And may you keep me here
Until we're one"
That was pretty much all I could think about all day... and the other part of that tag:
"It's just a little while longer and I'll see you
It's just a little while longer and I'll know you
It's just a little while longer and we'll be together"
And suddenly yesterday during my exam (yes... God apparently speaks also during exams while I'm trying to squeeze out all that I had crammed into my head), it dawned on me. These words represent the cry of my heart so so well. My desire in pursuing this education in social work is basically to know His heart. I want to learn more about the heart beat of God... the things that break in his heart... and what his plans and purposes are for me in this area. And I need God to keep me in school until I've learned all that He wishes me to know, and my will is aligned with His. So as I sat there in the middle of my exam, I was suddenly overwhelmed by how this is ALL God. I write these exams not to please my professors for marks, but I write these exams for God. I will write down the words that He wishes me to write, and I will learn the things that He wishes for me to learn... I am in school for God, to please God, and to glorify God and for no one else and no other purpose. What a huge load that was off my chest... to suddenly know that I answer to God... and instead of asking myself "What does my professor want me to answer to this question?" I find myself asking "God, how would you like me to answer this question?" Most people will think I'm pretty dumb for thinking like this... but I know that this is right.
Then the other part is simply a promise from God that it's just gonna be a little while longer before I get to walk out the dreams and passions that He has given me. Which means that I'll get to see more of God, I'll get to know Him deeper, and I'll get to walk even more in alignment with God! What a beautiful revelation from my Father in heaven! And I feel like these words not only relate to school stuff... but also to other things that God has been speaking to me about lately as well! I am so floored when I think and ponder the ways in which my Father loves me!
8 Dec 2011
Advent Day 8
Another exam done! Woohoo! I honestly that's the most confident I have felt about a final exam in a real long time! I don't think I got 100% or anything... but I don't feel like I could've done that badly! I was pretty confident about at least half of the multiple choice questions... and I am NEVER confident about multiple choice... it's always been the bane of my exams life...
Thank-you God that even in this He reminds me that I'm a new creation. I've been able to eat... and not want to throw up before my exams, my stomach doesn't feel like it's in constant knots at all times... it's nice! Perhaps it has something to do with feeling less overwhelmed cause I've been off from work all week, and I have to worry about is my exams! Regardless, I'm less anxious and I'm more confident than I've ever been during finals! :)
I did check in with work today though... and found out something that makes me real angry! Why is my coworker being bullied at work?! When the same thing happens to 2 different people, I think there is now a problem with our office and our working environment and it's time that something is done about it before we lose another good hard working staff.... Argh... so angry... and God, this is something i don't know how to deal with... or work out at the moment, so I will let it go and hope that you'll help!
One more exam... Integrated Social Work Practice I tomorrow.... I will conquer you as well because God is on my side... and with God by my side... nothing can take me down! :)
Thank-you God that even in this He reminds me that I'm a new creation. I've been able to eat... and not want to throw up before my exams, my stomach doesn't feel like it's in constant knots at all times... it's nice! Perhaps it has something to do with feeling less overwhelmed cause I've been off from work all week, and I have to worry about is my exams! Regardless, I'm less anxious and I'm more confident than I've ever been during finals! :)
I did check in with work today though... and found out something that makes me real angry! Why is my coworker being bullied at work?! When the same thing happens to 2 different people, I think there is now a problem with our office and our working environment and it's time that something is done about it before we lose another good hard working staff.... Argh... so angry... and God, this is something i don't know how to deal with... or work out at the moment, so I will let it go and hope that you'll help!
One more exam... Integrated Social Work Practice I tomorrow.... I will conquer you as well because God is on my side... and with God by my side... nothing can take me down! :)
6 Dec 2011
Advent Day 6
Finally gave in today, and went to visit the doctor. Drugs seem to be working.... hope this is the final stretch and that I actually get better by this weekend!
Wrote my first final last night.. felt like my hand was gonna fall off from writing non stop for 2 hours... and don't feel too great about the exam... but oh well. It's done, gotta let go and move on to studying for the next exam!
Haven't been thinking too much lately... just studying... and sleeping... and more sleeping than studying... so hopefully I'll still be able to do okay on my exams! :P
Wrote my first final last night.. felt like my hand was gonna fall off from writing non stop for 2 hours... and don't feel too great about the exam... but oh well. It's done, gotta let go and move on to studying for the next exam!
Haven't been thinking too much lately... just studying... and sleeping... and more sleeping than studying... so hopefully I'll still be able to do okay on my exams! :P
5 Dec 2011
Advent Day 5
Okay... here I am trying to make up for lost time. Day 3 (aka this past Saturday) was spent in bed... literally all day. I woke up ate, and went back to sleep... woke up, had lunch, went back to sleep... woke up to reply to random texts... went back to sleep.... and now I am paying for my day of trying to kill this flu... 5 hours left to cram for my final exam tonight! And well... yesterday was spent at Tim and Jess' wedding... so also no time for getting better and studying...
And now here I am, Monday afternoon... fighting this flu (I think it's actually become bronchitis)... and trying to cram as much facts on Social Welfare and Social Policy as I possibly can... and hopefully not fall asleep... cause I really want to crawl back into bed right now....
And now here I am, Monday afternoon... fighting this flu (I think it's actually become bronchitis)... and trying to cram as much facts on Social Welfare and Social Policy as I possibly can... and hopefully not fall asleep... cause I really want to crawl back into bed right now....
Helping You Sing “Hallelujah” with True Exuberance
Helping You Sing “Hallelujah” with True Exuberance:
The English word “hallelujah” is a transliteration of two Hebrew words, "hallelu" and "jah". The first word, "hallelu", is the second person imperative of “praise.” The second word, "jah," is the short form of "Jahweh" (or "Yahweh").
So when we say, “Hallelujah!” we are exhorting others (people and angels) to join us in praising Yahweh.
What gives a punch to my singing, “Hallelujah,” is that Jah (= Yahweh) is not a generic word for God, but the personal name of the God of Israel.
To shout, "Hallelu Jah!" — "Praise Jah" — is like standing in the council of the gods and boldly saying, “Not to you, Molech!” “Not to you, Baal!” “Not to you, Dagon!” “Not to you, Artemis!” “Not to you, Zeus!” But to Jah, and Jah alone, I give praise. And I call you to join me! Praise Jah!
And not only is Jah God’s personal name, but it is the one he gave himself to distinguish himself from all the gods. And it is thrilling in meaning.
When Moses asked God what name he should use to identify God in Egypt, God said, “I am who I am. Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I am has sent me to you’” (Exodus 3:14).
The name Yahweh is built on the words “I am”. So God put his absolute, transcendent, self-sufficient being at the center of his identity. “All the gods of the peoples are worthless idols, but Yahweh made the heavens” (Psalm 96:5).
So, the next time you sing “Hallelujah” pause for a split second between “hallelu” and “Jah” and say it like a name. We praise you . . . Jah! You are above all gods . . . Jah! Join me, all you heavenly hosts, and praise . . . Jah! He is! He simply, eternally, absolutely, independently, gloriously Is! Hallelu . . . Jah!
________
Recent posts from John Piper —
- Steve Jobs: "He Knew the Couple of Things He Wanted to Do"
- Jesus Died to End Abortion and Racism
- Thank you, Brazil!
2 Dec 2011
Advent Day 2
Hello December 2.
This time of the year is so crap for me, I always tend to get sick. Right now... I'm drugged up on Nyquil and Dayquil... I feel so groggy when I'm drugged, and I've only taken HALF the recommended dosage! Oh dear. Anyways... sore throat seems to have resided... or at the very least, the drugs are working, and it doesn't hurt as much when I swallow! FTW!
So today I have been thinking about something... I think I have been conditioned to think that being loved is a bad thing. This means I receive badly... or sometimes I am incapable of receiving love and care from others. My parents were so careful about making sure I didn't get spoiled, that I got in trouble everytime my grandparents or aunts bought me stuff. If we get gifts it must have been because we had asked for it, and therefore we are bad children because we asked for stuff... and good children don't ask for things.
I remember one time when I came back to Hong Kong and my aunt took me shopping for new shoes because the pair I had come back with were so worn out. I felt so guilty when I came home... and I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I should've rejected harder, I should've said no louder...
Sh*t... I'm so messed in the head! This explains why I don't actually know how to react when people give me what I ask for... as a gift. Like when I got my Macbook... or my Kindle... I actually went home feeling quite guilty. I've actually been conditioned to hide all my gifts from my parents because I expect a lecture when I get home. "Why would you let people buy you that? Bad child!"
Where does this leave me? In a place where I feel like I can't ask for anything. BFF's November gifts left me feeling so loved... but at the same time quite guilty. It didn't help much when someone asked "Why are you getting November gifts?" (It was said in a tone that sounded like, why would anyone want to give you gifts?) It really made me think, "Oh no, I've done something wrong again. People think that I'm a horrible person, and that I shouldn't be loved on by my friends." When people love on me, I have to fight every mental muscle within my brain to stop the need to reject it. And sometimes I lose... and I do reject it.
Bah... when people care about me, I feel like I've some how taken advantage of them. This might explain why I bawl my eyes out everytime God loves on me. There is so much love, yet there is also this overwhelming feeling of guilt inside of me... I know part of it is acceptable because it reminds me that I am nothing, and God is everything. God gave me a beautiful picture last week... and we prayed that I would take it, and I would have faith and walk it out with God. BUt I'll be honest... I am fighting. The feeling that I've done something wrong for accepting such a beautiful gift from God... to receive from God exactly what I had asked him for.
I want to be free to receive without that feeling of guilt, to be happy... and to feel loved... without that feeling of guilt... wow... God dug deep today. I don't quite know where to take this... alright... more CBT on myself as I study for finals. Good practice for integrative practice class! :|
This time of the year is so crap for me, I always tend to get sick. Right now... I'm drugged up on Nyquil and Dayquil... I feel so groggy when I'm drugged, and I've only taken HALF the recommended dosage! Oh dear. Anyways... sore throat seems to have resided... or at the very least, the drugs are working, and it doesn't hurt as much when I swallow! FTW!
So today I have been thinking about something... I think I have been conditioned to think that being loved is a bad thing. This means I receive badly... or sometimes I am incapable of receiving love and care from others. My parents were so careful about making sure I didn't get spoiled, that I got in trouble everytime my grandparents or aunts bought me stuff. If we get gifts it must have been because we had asked for it, and therefore we are bad children because we asked for stuff... and good children don't ask for things.
I remember one time when I came back to Hong Kong and my aunt took me shopping for new shoes because the pair I had come back with were so worn out. I felt so guilty when I came home... and I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I should've rejected harder, I should've said no louder...
Sh*t... I'm so messed in the head! This explains why I don't actually know how to react when people give me what I ask for... as a gift. Like when I got my Macbook... or my Kindle... I actually went home feeling quite guilty. I've actually been conditioned to hide all my gifts from my parents because I expect a lecture when I get home. "Why would you let people buy you that? Bad child!"
Where does this leave me? In a place where I feel like I can't ask for anything. BFF's November gifts left me feeling so loved... but at the same time quite guilty. It didn't help much when someone asked "Why are you getting November gifts?" (It was said in a tone that sounded like, why would anyone want to give you gifts?) It really made me think, "Oh no, I've done something wrong again. People think that I'm a horrible person, and that I shouldn't be loved on by my friends." When people love on me, I have to fight every mental muscle within my brain to stop the need to reject it. And sometimes I lose... and I do reject it.
Bah... when people care about me, I feel like I've some how taken advantage of them. This might explain why I bawl my eyes out everytime God loves on me. There is so much love, yet there is also this overwhelming feeling of guilt inside of me... I know part of it is acceptable because it reminds me that I am nothing, and God is everything. God gave me a beautiful picture last week... and we prayed that I would take it, and I would have faith and walk it out with God. BUt I'll be honest... I am fighting. The feeling that I've done something wrong for accepting such a beautiful gift from God... to receive from God exactly what I had asked him for.
I want to be free to receive without that feeling of guilt, to be happy... and to feel loved... without that feeling of guilt... wow... God dug deep today. I don't quite know where to take this... alright... more CBT on myself as I study for finals. Good practice for integrative practice class! :|
1 Dec 2011
Advent Day 1
As I enter into the last month of 2011, I am finishing my first semester of school, and well... God has been digging quite deep into my past. I feel that this is something that I'll need to put down before I enter into 2012. So in hopes of helping do that, I've decided to start countdown with a little background info.
I was born in Hong Kong... but God hasn't been speaking much about those couple of years... and well.. I don't remember too many of those years anyways. At the age of 7.... my parents moved me here. Oh St.Albert (for hockey fans, this is where Mark Messier and Jarome Iginla are from...) I miss this place, I really do. They have the bestest farmer's market ever!!! The bestest hill for toboganning... and all around, it was just a nice place. Not too many I talk to nowadays knows me from those years of when I lived out in St.Albert. Yet... there were things that had happened in those years (before I met God) that He is wanting me to deal with. It's been interesting.
One thing I do know is that I was quite blessed. This is my elementary school:
I don't know if that's what it still looks like... but that's definitely what that front patch looked like when I was still at the school. I should know... we used to spend our recesses and lunch hours sitting out there! One of those windows used to be my old classrooms! My grade 4 teacher is still teaching there, according to the website! Would be interesting to go take a stroll around the school, no? My name should be in there on a plaque... hahaha for my Citizenship Award in grade 6! :) This school is probably hands down, the one reason I am as CBC (Canadian Born Chinese) as I am. There were like NO Chinese people other than my brother and I. The closest I got was my best friend who was mixed! But I'm glad that I grew up in this place... as opposed to the education system here in Hong Kong.
Irony is that I would have never ended up at this school had we gone by school zones and I wasn't a new immigrant! Since ESL (English as a Second Language) was still quite a new program in the St.Albert Protestant school board, we had to travel to this school so that we could take ESL. I'm glad that's where I went... I even met some people who lived by me, and went to the elementary school near me when I entered Junior High and my mom insisted that we moved to a school closer to home (this school was elementary, jr high school). Anyways... that too was an interesting year, but I put up a pretty good fight to not move because I didn't want to have to make new friends. It didn't matter... I was only there a year before my parents decided to move out of St.Albert and into Edmonton. (St.Albert is considered greater Edmonton Area...)
This is a beautiful place... if you're ever in the Edmonton area, take a drive out there and see for yourself. And if you're around on a Saturday morning, go check out the Farmer's market! I used to take drives out there just for fun... or when I needed some space. A lot happened in those 5 years that I was in that school (I did grade 1 in Hong Kong)... I learned a lot and mastered the language of English! This is also where I discovered my love of writing... to which my mother shut down by telling me I would never amount very far as an author because I had poor grammar. This haunts me still... and her response to my poor grammar was to make me do exercise books... my own personal response... journal about my dislike and discontent at my mother's lack of support for my dreams... My teachers were so supportive! They let me go to this Creative Writer's conference that the city puts on for young people... and I LOVED it! BUT... for those of you who have spoken with me within the past month or so... you'd know that God is redeeming this! :) God wants to use my writing...
These are the things that God is calling me to deal with... that is one of many. There are some other ones... but it's good. Because I want to be free of these memories which actually still haunt me some... *ahem* years later. It's time to remember the good times and forget the bad times of elementary school. (School terms, I feel like I'm using CBT on myself...) I think I get to enter into 2012 even more free, and more renewed than any other year yet.... God is removing more! He is so so so so good to me! I'm on a very specific walk with my Father at the moment... He is taking down a walkway (which isn't far or long, I hope)... and it's so so so beautiful!
I am excited for what's next, this is gonna be good! :) Wish I could just drive up to the school and sit in front of it, or in the field to ponder all this and sort all this out... Although I heard it's been quite cold out there... and there was snow the other day... hahahaha... I'd have to be bundled up pretty warm to sit outside.
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