The calm before the storm...

I wrote these words over 6 years ago... the night before I found out. 

Ok God, so I went to the doctor's today. Honestly, I'm terrified to receive that phone call tomorrow and what the doctor has to say. But you've given this peace, that seems to constantly remind me to stay focused on you and not on my fears. "Submit yourself then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." ~ James 4:7. It's been awhile since I've meditated on your word and memorized it like that. I'm so sorry for that. I've realized just how far away I have pushed you these past couple years. Instead of having you as my driving force, I have turned to other things. In situations when I should've ran to you, I ran to others, or to other things. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation the old has done the new has come." ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17. It's a good reminder that if I've decided to put you first, that I am renewed. The past cannot bother me, because you have given me new hope, new joy, new direction. God, I just pray that you'll continue to help me get through all the garbage in my life. I want to live a life that is pleasing to you. Praise God, I can feel myself starting to get better slowly. I still have no appetite, but the belching has done down and I was able to poo today. God, just help me through my exam tomorrow and give me energy to continue studying afterwards for my last exam on Thursday. Help me to not be anxious. And remind me once again to stay focused on you all day! 

The next morning when the phone rang... my life would change forever. 

Who's the forgotten one?

I may or may not have been complaining and wondering if God had forgotten about me this past Saturday... today when I was reading my google reader... this was the verse of the day on Saturday from the ESV...

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." ~ Luke 12: 6-7

Oh God, you make it so hard for me to be angry and whiny with you. :)

self-esteem 101

side rant before I begin: I have no idea what FB is doing with my blog import... but in one day, they imported the last 2 months worth of blogs. is this punishment for not going on their site for 2 months?! hahaha... dunno. rant over... less of a rant, was just curious what that was all about.

self-esteem (according to my trusty friend dictionary.com): a realistic respect for or favourable impression of oneself; self-respect

Sat in a workshop regarding motivational interviewing this morning. One of things they were talking about the Cycle of Change... and basically what causes a person to change or not to change. 3 words: importance, confidence and self-esteem. Importance: how important is this change to you? Confidence: How confidence are you that you can acheieve this change? Self-esteem: Do you find yourself worthy of this change?

Why did this strike such a chord within me? Because I find this so useful in dealing with women and their self identity issues, myself included. One of the issues that kept playing over and over in my head as an example of is why women don't get out of unhealthy relationships. That vicious cycle of staying in a relationship knowing that it's not good for you... yah... most of us girls have been in that place.

I've come to see that for most of us girls, it comes down to a matter of self-esteem. Obviously when I was in that position, I couldn't see this. If I don't even deem myself worthy of better, I'm never going to have the confidence to be able to walk away, and if I have no confidence then I will make up for that by saying that this is not all that important then. Why is it so easy for so many of us to fall into that trap?!?!?!

I wish that we would see and realize sooner that we ARE worth it. We are SOOOO worth it because our God says that we are. He calls us His bride, and He romances us like no one else on this earth can! I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today had I not gone through the trials that I had been through... but at the same time... imagine a generation of boys and girls who knew their worth and identity that can only be found in Christ... and imagine them being grounded in that truth... what kinda example would that paint in a world where it seems moral is only going downhill everyday?

Okay... getting off utopian ran sidetrack... getting off the topic of not leaving unhealthy relationships. Let's talk about unhealthy habits. I was a cutter at one time in my life... thank goodness I was a wuss and never cut myself deep enough that I have scars now. What made me feel like I couldn't stop this completely unhealthy habit of mine?! I believe it came down to me believing that I deserved to be hurting myself... that I wasn't worthy to get out of this pit... that I deserved a life of hope and happiness... free of guilt and shame... so the more guilt and shame I felt... the more I felt the need to cut.

Those were some dark days where I almost refused to let people in, yet at the core of who I was, I was so desperate for people to notice and reach in. The world had somehow become a scary place, and I didn't know who I could and could not trust. The more I isolated myself, the more if felt like I didn't deserve friends... and the more self pity... the more cutting. So glad that those days are behind me now... nowadays, it's more just a battlefield in my mind. The battle that what others think is not important... simply because my God in heaven finds me lovely.

I know now that I walk in the confidence of knowing that my God loves me, and He wants and has the best for me in store. I know people see this, but all credit to God.... because I know that I have not always been like this. The best way I can explain this is... I used to walk around with my head down... AT ALL TIMES! And I mean at ALL times. I was always always looking at my feet when I walked. I used to say it's because I'm clumsy and if I don't walk looking down, I'm afraid that I will trip. Now I know that it's a lack of self confidence. Now I walk with my head up. True story. I admit, there are days when I have to FORCE myself to hold my head up, but it's worth it! Because that's when I know and am reminded that I walk not on my own strength, but on the strength of my God, Father and Lover in heaven! He holds me up, and allows me to walk confidently even when I feel like I cannot.

It has taken me 20-odd years to get here... and this is just the beginning! I'm a slow learner... and a stubborn one as well. hahaha... so I'm sure it won't take all girls 20-odd years to learn all this as well. :)

One Thing Remains

These words have been speaking straight into my heart...

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
One thing remains

In death and in life
I'm confident and covered
By the power of your great love
My debt is paid
There's nothing that can seperate
My heart from your great love

God's Faithfulness Continues...

So... yesterday, our church moved into our new home, and had our first Sunday service in WanChai! So amazing! God is soooooo good! Such an honour and privilage to get to take part in playing keys for our first service!

 This is our new stage... and I got to play on it!! Woohoo! Loving the new Aviom system... getting used to being on the other side of the stage... and not being by the electric. I won't lie... it feels weird to not being hiding in the corner anymore. Hahaha... not that I was hiding there... :P And the new stage is a bit higher... and no stairs on the keys side... which ended up in me almost ending up UNDER the stage when I jumped on stage and missed the stage... so embarassing...

And here is our new home! So amazing to call these people family! So so proud to call this my home! Not the building, but the family! For me, this isn't a "look at us, we're so great" deal. This has been a "look at what God has done for this family" moment. I see this place, and I see God's goodness and providence over this family of God. It's so crazy to finally see this place... the last time I was in this place, it was still an empty concrete shell! And it was STUFFY!!!! Despite the many things raging inside of me right now, I see this, and I know that my God is good, and He provides, and He always fulfills His promises.

That what God was reminding me of this weekend. What He has promised, He will bring to pass, but in His way, and in His time. A reminder that everything weaves together to paint God's bigger picture, and when it is finished, and I see the picture, it will be beautiful and it will make sense. Everything in my life is a result of my obedience to God, and a desire to take the higher road in all situations. 

I won't lie, there are days when I wonder what things would be like if I'd never taken that HSBC job and had stayed in Edmonton. If I had stayed at ATB... actually, I think I'd rather not go down that road. I do wonder however, what life would be like if I had stayed at HSBC... would I be at the same job? Or would I have finally moved into an area which I have more interest in? These are all what if questions that don't have answers. I'll be honest, there are days where I want to give up... give up all this and just go back to my career in finance. There are days when this higher road has felt so lonely... especially when I can't quite see where this is a leading.

I had one of those moments this weekend. God is gently reminding me that He is here, that He knows what He is doing, and He will fulfill what He has promised. Hanging onto that. He also finds the strangest ways to show me that He is speaking... and that it IS still His voice that I am hearing, even when it makes no sense to me! Actually, make that especially when it makes no sense to me! 

BTW... totally loving the new song... The chorus and the bridge are keeping me going... HE truly is the only reason I am still standing, and continuing to do what I am doing at the moment!

Hallelujah
You're the reason broken hearts can sing
Hallelujah
So let the sound of your praises ring

We're lifting up our lives
We're lifting up our eyes
Lifting up our praise to You
We're lifting up our songs
We're lifting up our all
Lifting up our praise to You  

Such a beautiful weekend! :)

Took this yesterday whilst we frolicked in the grass... barefeet! :) And it made me think of this song (Open Skies - David Crowder Band):

Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
I will dance, I will sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud, life my voice and shout

From where I am
From where I've been
He's been there with me
He's built a monument
His very people
So let His people
Sing Sing Sing

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now

Such a beautiful beautiful weekend to have spent most of it outdoors! Saturday was spent on a junk boat (comments on that I'll save for another time), got to do some wakeboarding... and finished off with 180 and street evangelism at night.

Sunday went to our last Sunday service at VC1, Facetimed the Ma's into service! hahaha... and then spent the afternoon tossing and sleeping in the grass, to finish off the day with Plus dinner.

God's been speaking to me about letting go of a LOT of things... some of which I have held on to for over 6 years! I don't even know why I was still holding on to it!!! I didn't feel anything but silly when I put it down. That's not true... my heart feels lighter, and I feel more free. It's been good, and this is still only the beginning. Craziness!

I did end up with my second sun burn of the summer... much worse than the last one, and sore muscles from wakeboarding... but the soreness feels good... the burnt skin... not so much. It hurts to lean against my chair.... *sigh*