The Waiting Game Continues...

Finally... PolyU and other application complete and submitted. 

I know that I already got into CUHK conditionally... but I still want to go to PolyU. 

So I have submitted this application in faith... that just because I got into one school doesn't mean that is what I am suppose to do.

So... now that's all done... it's back to the waiting game. In the mean time... taking Monday and Tuesday off to prepare for this next season of my life... too many changes too quickly. Need time to sit... pray.... and process it all! Can't wait! 

Show me Your Glory!

This song has been heavy on my heart since the start of this week:

Show me Your Glory - Jesus Culture

I see the cloud, I step in

I want to see your glory like Moses did

Flashes of light, rolls of thunder

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

Show me your glory, Show me your glory

Show me your glory, Show me your glory

I'm awed by your beauty, lost in your eyes

I want to walk in your presence like Jesus did

Your glory surrounds me, and I'm overwhelmed

I long to look on the face of the one that I love

Long to stay in your presence, it's where I belong

The thoughts I've been wrestling with is that... to see God's glory means to come face to face with the imperfections and impurities of our own selves. To see God's glory means that I see how unlovable I am, but despite all this, God loves me unconditionally! Then on top of all this, to proclaim that I am not afraid of that.


Can I really say that I am not afraid for God to show me His glory? To say that I am not afraid to come face to face with what I am in comparison to God's glory... and then to be able to accept that not in a self defeated way, but to fall flat on my face in realisation that I am nothing without God... and that I can do nothing apart from Him?


This is the confidence in Christ that is a result of humility isn't it? Am I afraid of what may be revealed to me as a result of meeting God's glory? Am I ready to see and accept all that God wants to reveal to me? Those words ring in my ear over and over again... "I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid..." And I believe that these words are the cry of my heart for God to come, because I want to see His glory, and all that seeing His glory means... and I'm not afraid of it!

Just floored...

This weekend... well... not even... but in the past couple of days, I took some steps out of my own comfort zone. I took these steps out in faith... one has an immediate effect on my life, and the other leaves the latter part of 2011 as a question mark. 

I personally has been left in awe though. In one day... God revealed to me once again how much I have changed this past year. I went to the information session at PolyU yesterday for the MSW program, it was such a huge blessing for me! I've always disliked information sessions, but it was good for me to go. To hear from the people who would be my potential professors and hear them talk about what they do, and what they were looking for in potential students. I was completely blown away by the honesty with which they presented the toughness of the course itself... and also the passion with which they had for teaching. It inspired me to not only try harder to get into PolyU, but also to just be better at what I am doing currently at my job! THAT was a gem that I did not expect to discover. There was also something that one of them said... that finally made me understand why this had been on my heart... and why God had put it there. I think this all makes for a very excellent coffee date material... hahaha, so if you want to know, you can buy me coffee... well tea, cause I don't drink coffee... :P

Having said that... I still don't know if I will be getting into school this fall, but I trust that whatever happens this fall, it was be according to God's will for my life, and it will be just as amazing as the journey this past year has been! Usually, I am overflowing with "what if" questions and anxiety... and just plain worrying about making decisions that have not even come up for me to make yet. I can honestly say that I am at peace... and not going off the deep end. I am in complete trust that my God will take care of all of this for me. I look in the mirror... and I don't know who this girl is who is looking back at me. Hahaha... but I like her... and I'm starting to like her more and more. :)

This is all just the school stuff... and is not even related to the 2 steps of faith that I had taken. I don't want to get into too much details just yet, but let's just say God opened some doors and instead of being me... and pondering and thinking and starring at the doors and waiting for God to give me a resounding "yes"... I simply took them, and I am at peace. He has not slammed the doors back in my face, but I have been met with confirmations left and right (which left me on the floor completely in awe of God!)... and also just an overwhelming sense of peace that all will work out for the best when the time is right. 

Honestly... the way I am living... the things I am doing... the things I am thinking... the things I am NOT thinking... the way I am reacting to things... none of this is me... as I know myself. Of course... there are still some stuff that remains... but I can sense God is moving those and changing those as well. It really feels like God has come into my life.... threw everything into the air.... and is now putting things into the places that HE wants them to go... some of it hurts... some of it is sad... but overall, it has been very good. :) 

Looking back to look forward...

So... about 3 years ago (9.05.2008) I wrote this (but never published it)...

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into Eternity" ~ Hosanna by Hillsongs United

Don't sing these words unless you mean it because God will open up your eyes, and He will break your heart. I feel him telling me that it's time to stop hiding behind masks. I feel his heart breaking because in hiding behind masks I'm not being all that He has called me to be. Thank-you to those who have listened without judgement. I'm learning to strip off my masks and to share what is truly on my heart and to be who God has called me to be. It's not good enough for God that I just simply go with the flow. It's not good enough for Him that I just do what everyone else is doing.

Don't be fooled by what you see. There is still a lot that has not been uncovered. I've put on all my masks because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I'm scared of being laughed at, and I'm scared that...

Total unfinished thought there! I find it so crazy though... that a year later I stripped off my mask and got on stage at 180 and shared my story. And even that's almost 2 years ago now!!Looking back on the past 3 years since stepping into Hong Kong, God has stripped off so many layers from me. Still... now... God is stripping layers off me! But with each layer He takes off, it is I who is surprised by what is revealed. It is I who is left in awe of God as He reveals to me the beauty that has been hidden away. In each revelation, there is a redemption of what had originally caused the putting on of another mask in the first place. 

As God removes more and more... it gets easier, yet harder. It's easier, because the more of His goodness He reveals, the easier it is to surrender myself to Him, and allow Him to have His way in my life. Harder because the deeper the layers are... the more of myself it has become... and the more it feels like a part of myself is being removed. Yet, it has all been worth it... and I really want to be completely stripped down to the person that God wants me to be!

Today I celebrate the hand of God over my life. It has not been easy... but I'm learning so much about what it means when it says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28. Actually... I don't think I'm just learning it... but He's making it come to life... through my life! What an honour. :) 

Oh How God Loves Us!

So I've been trying to figure out a title for this... and that was, I think the best way to describe what I am about to blog.

I'll be honest... I started my weekend like the picture above. I was upset at God... and I squatted in front of him and made sure he knew that I was not happy. But as always... it's hard to be upset at God for long... and it didn't take too much time before I gave up and went back to resting in God's presesnse... yes... this is how I am seeing myself as I rest in God's presense. Haha... okay... not so much resting, but just with God... and enjoying him... and being curious about him. :) 

It's been a hard weekend, but a very good one. I am so emotionally, spiritually and mentally drained... but at the same time... I feel so at peace. I don't know how often people can say that their break-up has been orchestrated by God... but I am here to proclaim that God has orchestrated this  break-up as much as he has orchestrated our relationship. A year and a half ago I wrote this: "I could have never ended up here on my own... and we could never have ended up here on our own without God. It was God who orchestrated every single part of this friendship and now relationship... and it was definitely Him who brought us together." I believe in these words today as much as I believed in them when I wrote it... but now I will change it to say "this friendship then relationship... and back to friendship." I believe that it is only by the grace of God that I can stand here and say that... we have decided to go back to being friends.

I don't want to deceive anyone into thinking that this has been easy, or this will be easy. This is simply my way of living out what I believe... that God's way is ALWAYS better than my own way. Humanly it would be so much easier to just ignore and avoid him on common ground... cause that's what is expected of me, but at the very core of who I am... everything that God has taught me and showed me... I know that this would not please God. So... I have decided to obey God. And I really believe that because of obedience, God has given a glimpse into the friendship that God has in store for us yesterday.

GOD IS SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!