My Birthday Present from God :)

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you." ~ Isaiah 43:4a

The Hand that holds the World

I've finally made it! It's Friday... my birthday! This song just came on... and I think I want to make this my cry for this new year...

I want to stand before the King

Join in the song that heaven sings

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

I want to know the mystery

Reach out and touch the majesty

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

Those are power words... can you imagine... holding the hand of God... and that hand also holds up the world. The hand created the earth in which we live... it is by the hand of God that each of us are created... to hold that hand... would just be completely... face to floor kinda awe.

To let go of all that I am trying to hang onto... and to grab onto God's hand. I was listening to a podcast... and it said something like "When God asks for our stuff, he's not trying to take away our stuff, he's trying to take away our anxiety that comes with having all that stuff." So true... when God asks us to let go and hang onto Him... we can focus on Him... and as we focus on Him... everything else starts to matter less... sounds amazing. hahaha... but so so so hard to put into action! I know this isn't the first time I've talked about this... I talk about this all the time... still a work in progress to be able to let go of everything to give God my full attention... but I will continue to strive because I want to hold the hand that holds the world! :)

'twas the day before my birthday...

Some of my gifts from my wonderful Plus... :) Which fits right in at home... They threw me (and Bobo) a surprise birthday dinner. Unfortunately Bobo never made it! :( We tried every method of trying to get a hold of her. I felt really blessed though... and Sky was so good at distracting me that I had no clue!

My coworker brought in some flowers for me this morning... Yay... I like getting flowers. Plus.. they brighten up the office... although I hope the cold will not kill them before I take them home... :P

Our cook and others cooked me some yummy food! What could be better than food from our cook? Hahaha... even though I have a hard time with fish... her fish was so good, I had to at least try a piece! And it was sooooo juicy! Mmmm.... so good! Actually what I really appreciated the most was getting prayed for by my coworker before we started eating... that's something that money cannot buy! Awesome!

It's been an interesting week... but I've been very blessed. I'm just grateful that I'm not sick... and in bed. Well... I'd like to be in bed because of this cold... cold as in the weather is cold... not sick cold. But... I'm also glad that I'm not confined to my bed the day before my birthday this year! Still it has been a rough week even though not rough physically. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually... I'm so so so tired. Looking forward to the weekend... and getting some rest. I wish tomorrow was Saturday, but it is not... so I shall bear it one more day. Kinda sucks to have to work on my birthday, but I think I'll be okay with that. The last 2 years I've been sick out of my mind... although the year before I was still at work while being sick... :P

My God is a good God... even though I don't know what is in store for me tomorrow... and what I may have to face... regardless, good or bad, my God will be walking with me and He will continue to take care of me. I guess, I'm kinda looking forward to tomorrow... I've prepared myself for the worst... and may or may not have prepared a backup plan... but it SHALL be a good day tomorrow! Even IF I am left all on my own to celebrate by myself tomorrow, I will be okay.

:|

A friend sent this to cheer me up... hahaha... and it totally made my day. She thinks it's creepy... but I love it! hahaha... but that's because I love ducks! I would happily swim in a sea of rubber duckies! Rubber duckies and in general the colour yellow takes me to a happy place... that might be why my desk is surrounded by yellow coloured toys...

Anyways... was listening to the song "Here I am to Worship" by Tim Hughes this morning. If you don't know the chorus goes like this:

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that you're my God

You're altogether lovely

Altogether Worthy

Altogether wonderful to me

It was the first part of the chorus that really struck me this morning. I don't know why but I've somehow always associated those words to mean that as I come into the tabernacle, into the sanctuary... then I am here to worship and bow down and to say that He is my God. But as I was listening to those words this morning in the office... here is wherever I am. Here I am to worship... means that no matter where I am, I am there to worship God. Wherever I am... I am there to humble myself and say that He is my God, and He rules my life... and therefore I will humble myself and allow that fact that He is my God to come shining through in all that I do.

It wasn't a new revelation to me or anything, but just presented to me in a different manner... which made it all the more real... and the more true... and the more that I want to live this out.

Learning from Peter today...

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat by this time was a long way from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."

And Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." ~ (Matthew 14:22-33)

Peter asked God for confirmation, not in the sense for God to reveal himself, but for God to reveal that he is God through Peter. He didn't say, if you are Jesus then send fire from heaven or something. He told Jesus to show his power through himself. How often do I ask God to reveal himself, but I sit there on my butt lazily waiting for Him to do so? How often do I sit there starring at the path before me, and ask God for some crazy sign to know that it is the right path? But sometimes... it's just "come. I am waiting at the end." No spectacular fireworks display in the sky, no talking bush... no angels... just His still small voice asking us to come.

When Jesus told Peter to come, it was to go towards Jesus... to come closer to Jesus. Isn't that what God does? When we ask God for revelation, He says come... come near to me. Come near to me so that you can see ME more clearly... It's not about the circumstances or about the path... it's about Him. When I see Him more clearly, it means I understand His heart more clearly... and that means I will also understand what He wants for me more clearly.

But drawing closer to God is not an easy task... there will be "winds"... and when these come... it's so easy be like Peter, become afraid... and we start sinking. We start drowing in our own fears and anxieties. Fortunately God does not leave us drowing... when we cry out to Him, he IMMEDIATELY reaches out His hand to take hold of us. Then they are safe in the boat with Jesus once again.

I've been feeling like Peter... I know it was God calling me when I stepped out but when the circumstances got tough, I doubted... and I started drowning. Except I seem stuck in that place of fearing... and I need to get into that place where I realize that it's got nothing to do with God... but it is simply I who have stopped believeing that He is in control. Now it's time to cry out to God for Him to restore the faith... to restore the hope... to be safe in God's presense once again. I think God is really teaching me to not let circumstances... "winds" affect doing what God wants me to do. To not let them drown me... but to stay strong and rooted in God's calling, promises and simply... His grace and His love. It gets harder and harder with each year...

counting down... kinda.

Bah... my birthday is on Friday. Not my favourite day of the year... it should be, it should be a happy day of celebrations, but it is never in my case for some reason. This is probably one of the days that I dread most, I have come to associate this day with all things bad.

Forget it... self pity party over. As I sit here writing this... the lady behind me is crying because her life is so hard. And you know what... her life is hard. They can't work to support their kids because it's illegal... their landlord is kicking them out of their flat, and they're having a hard time finding a new flat to rent on the little money that social services offers them, UNHCR won't recognize their case as legit and grant them refugee status, and they're still waiting for news for private sponsorship to Canada, but that's been news-less for awhile now.

Yes, part of me has been crying for myself and the circumstances which I've found myself in lately... but it really isn't all because of that. I also cry because of what I see at work... and the stories and situations that I encounter here. The things I see around me are also breaking my heart... and it makes me cry as well. I am appalled at the amount of ads that I get bombarded with everyday as I walk to the mtr. Ads that tell me what I should fix to have the "best" looking body... ads that tell me what I need to wear to look good... and in general these ads have scantily clad women modelling they women do on the cover of men magazines. Serious?! As if that wasn't bad enough... then I am bombarded with condom ads that tell me that casual sex is good, and it is all about the enjoyment... Come on! Then I walk through pornography alley everyday as I leave work... (this I have a bit more control over... I can choose not to walk through there... which I will be more active in doing.)

Pity party over... bah, this is what happens when I tell God I want to be less selfish, isn't it?

How can?!

Another day...

Had a really good time at Plus last night. Hahaha... I love my Plus so much... praise and worship over skype... it was awesome! We couldn't stop laughing when it started... but it was good! I love the open sharing that we have... just a good time all around. :)

Woke up and saw all the updates on FB... wow... Canada... I'm speechless.

haha... that is all today. I will go and mourn our lost now... *sigh*

heartbroken...

I saw something last night that really broke my heart... well... I see this all the time, but it just really bothered me yesterday. And technically... I saw more than one thing that broke my heart... but those are for another time.

So... yesterday while I was out for dinner with my family, this other family came in. We were sitting in a small room thing... so it was just us and this other family. I can't even really say family, it was a mom, her kid and their domestic helper. Watching their interactions... it just made me so sad. Obviously the kid spends the most time with the domestic helper... and she understands him better than the mom. It just felt like the mom was trying so hard to prove that she knows her son better than the domestic helper... Then after the ordering of food was done... she proceeds to be on her phone... and barely even looks up at her son let alone talk to him. She just sat there poking away at her phone... and let the domestic helper entertain her son. I can't even describe the full thing in detail, but it was just so sad! It was really painful to watch. Somewhere in between, the dad called... but because they had already ordered, he wasn't gonna show up or something. I just didn't get it... and it made me sad.

Made me look at my own family... and so happy that we could sit down for dinner together... talk to each other and not all be looking at our phones the whole time and not talk to each other the whole dinner. So grateful for my family... but I felt so sad for that kid. He was so smart too! He wasn't even that bratty, he was really smart and polite. No screaming and running around the restuarant. *sigh*

I don't think people understand this... but it makes me really sad. It makes me sad to see kids in the morning being taken to school by their domestic helper... or they'll walk with the parents down to the mtr station... and then the kid will ask the parent... "can't you take me to school today?" and the parent will say no... and ask the domestic helper to take the kid to school.... BAH!!!!! I can't stand that!

This on top of everything I'm already feeling at the moment... can I just sit somewhere and cry and just let it all out of my system? I think that will make me feel better...

Tuesday Blues?

Woke up feeling like s***.... I could just say crap, but that is not strong enough. Although I feel better than I felt when I went to bed... thank goodness for nyquil which knocks me out and makes me sleep like a baby. (yes... I am still recovering from my cold from before Christmas... and it sucks!)

I'm trying to justify the thoughts and the feelings which are flowing through me at the moment... and I can't. So I'm literally sitting here at my desk holding a teddy bear and drowning in worship music.

I don't want to justify these feelings and thoughts... it takes too much. Everytime I have tried, I just end up bawling my eyes out and I don't even know why. I just know that my heart is sad... something in my life is not right... so I guess that makes me not quite okay. Maybe there is something about this time of the year... that makes me sad in the heart... but what is it?

I also know that I am stressed... it's that time of the year again... school applications time. I know I need to sit down and do them... but I don't want to. It's causing me much un-needed stress. I'm also looking at studying elsewhere... thinking if going somewhere else to study would be better for me. So... yes, I am trying to not think about this... because it's causing me much stress. I just don't want to deal with this at the moment, but I know I need to... I only have a month to finish the HKU application. I wish God would just write it in the sky... 1) whether I should go back to school and 2) if yes, then where should I go to school?

As well... praying about serving. Wondering if there are gifts and talents that God has given me that is not being utilized at the moment... and should be put to use. I think I just have lots of thoughts going through my system... and no outlet. When I have no outlet, I start going crazy. I think that's where I am at the moment... slowly going crazy from a lack of release of my thoughts and feelings.

I am slowly going crazy 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
Crazy going slowly am I 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.....

Oh iPhone....

I am very amused by this break down of the alarm on the iPhone... and the comments that it has sparked on the internet. If you read the comments people are posting... it's like they have no idea what an alarm clock is... or how it functions. That makes me crack up.

I guess I shouldn't laugh too hard... if I had also slept in for something important I wouldn't be so amused. I almost did sleep in for sound check on Sunday... but praise God! He woke me up at just the right time... and I got to church right on time. :)

If no one had told me about the alarm, I honestly would've gone on believing that I had slept through my alarm... which is something I tend to do often anyways... hahaha... :P

Now that I have paranoia about the iPhone, I set my normal alarm clock... cause I actually have one... but the darn thing doesn't seem to have an off button... only a snooze button... and that's annoying... I guess that's what I get for using a free alarm clock...

Happy New Years!

Happy New Years!!! Can't believe that it's already 2011... where did 2010 even go?!

Had a really amazing day today... started with worship at church this morning... lunch... and then hanging out at Citysuper looking for chocolate... hahaha :P And then off to Tai Wai for some biking action! After biking we went to Fo Tan for some "dai pai dong" action!

It was just really nice to get out of the city... to get off the island and just not be in a mall, stuck at home.... or basically just sitting indoors somewhere. It was a tad bit on the chilly side, but otherwise, it was actually a really nice day to be out biking. It was cold, so it wasn't too crazy busy either!

Even better was just that it was nice to have some real conversations... to be able to speak my mind and share what's been on my mind and my heart lately. It wasn't any crazy intense heart to heart conversations or anything, but it was nice to be real. I really enjoyed getting to hear other people open up and get real back... It's always so nice to find people with whom you can have a real conversation with... when you get past the superficial surface stuff and get to real meat and heart of a person... I could really just sit there and talk for a long time.

Not just the conversations... but just the whole getting out of the city and going exploring... that was so nice. I feel like it's been so long since I've done that... Since I've had a meal in a location not by where I live or frequent often... I think it was just nice to do something not a part of my regular weekend routine. I like structure... I like routine because it is predictable and I tend to WORK best in those situations... but I don't think I like my life structured and routine... I think I start to suffocate.

Honestly... it felt like a fresh breathe of air today... literally and metaphorically. I'm not saying I hate my life or something is wrong with it... but I won't lie... weekends have become rather routine. I do the same thing like almost every weekend... So yes... this weekend was really nice. It wasn't even just today... even yesterday, it was nice. Spent the whole day with my parents... literally. Woke up... we went for dim sum... sent my cousin off to the airport express... as she returns back to Stratmore for school... then shopping for a bit... and then home to relax... and then out for dinner. Hahaha... my mom was joking that my dad was so excited that he didn't stop talking the whole day... cause he never gets to spend a whole day with me. She was joking, but I think it was only half joking.

Thank-you God for a really awesome weekend. It was just right... and just what I needed. :)
As well... our reward for braving the cold to go biking... hot vita soy and chocolate milk. It warmed us right up! Soooo nice! :)