I think I'm learning that just because I've told THE story doesn't mean that I get to shut myself up and become a hermit... even though that is what I really want to do. I'm learning that just because I've shared doesn't mean that it's never going to haunt me ever again. I'm learning that just because God's used my story to encourage others doesn't mean that I don't need others to come along side me and encourage me in return.
Sharing what I thought was my deepest darkest secret has left me feeling rather naked and vulnerable. Except there are 3 things I can do from here... I can turn around and go back to where I came... which is in hiding with my shame and condemnation. I can stay where I am, scared outta my mind and feeling lost, or lastly, I can suck it all up, take God's hand and keep walking towards the promises He has spoken over my life.
I refuse to go back to that prison of lies. I don't like where I am right now... so by the process of elimination, that only leaves me with once choice. I MUST keep going forward. Regardless of how scared I am, or how unwilling I am at times... it is the only choice that makes sense. It is the only path that is lit up... the only path has teeming with life and hope.
The irony of it all at the moment, is the fact that I will be returning to Edmonton next week for a visit. I will be returning to the place where most of my pain and disappointment lie. To be honest (sorry to everyone at home..) but a place... where at this moment in my life, I really don't want to be in. HK is freedom, Edmonton is prison... but I know that I must go. I also know that I must go joyfully with God as my strength. He will go before me, He will go with me, and He will continue to be there after I leave.
I will not go back with my head low, but I will walk into that place with my head held high, my heart on my sleeve and the Spirit of God in me. I will not let my past dictate who I am, and I will not be a prisoner to my past. I'm not that person anymore, God's made sure of that. I will cling to my identity in Christ... and that alone is who I am. What God has given me, no one can take away!
6 Jul 2009
1 Jul 2009
The trap...
Lately, I've been feeling like a fly caught on fly paper. Alive... but stuck.
I knew that after sharing that God's work was not done. I knew that God still had more in store for me... and I also knew that my opening that door that my past was gonna come knocking. Yet, as the past comes knocking I find myself getting caught up in it. I'm starting to feel the weight of it once again... I don't like it, but I'm too proud to admit that I'm struggling.
I've fallen back into the trap... of lies from my past. I know I'm being pity... but maybe I need to throw this tantrum at God first. Maybe I need to tell Him how I really feel about all of this. Well... it sucks, and I don't think it's fair!
My head knowledge struggles with this.... because I KNOW God's ways are higher than my ways. I already know that HIS timing is better than my timing. I don't need the head knowledge, and the quoted Bible scriptures... thanks but no thanks. My head's already full of that... but the head knowledge is not helping the pain that is in my heart.
I am alive... because God already gave me a new heart... I just need to get rid of this fly paper which is pulling me down.. and pulling me back from all the promises God has for me.
I knew that after sharing that God's work was not done. I knew that God still had more in store for me... and I also knew that my opening that door that my past was gonna come knocking. Yet, as the past comes knocking I find myself getting caught up in it. I'm starting to feel the weight of it once again... I don't like it, but I'm too proud to admit that I'm struggling.
I've fallen back into the trap... of lies from my past. I know I'm being pity... but maybe I need to throw this tantrum at God first. Maybe I need to tell Him how I really feel about all of this. Well... it sucks, and I don't think it's fair!
My head knowledge struggles with this.... because I KNOW God's ways are higher than my ways. I already know that HIS timing is better than my timing. I don't need the head knowledge, and the quoted Bible scriptures... thanks but no thanks. My head's already full of that... but the head knowledge is not helping the pain that is in my heart.
I am alive... because God already gave me a new heart... I just need to get rid of this fly paper which is pulling me down.. and pulling me back from all the promises God has for me.
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