seeing the truth at last...

learning to let go is hard... learning to see the truth is hard. accepting the new truth is hard.
lately i've been coming to terms with a new truth, and that's been really hard. it's been tearing me apart on the inside. it's riping me apart, but at the same time it's felt refreshing in a strange way.
the truth is that there was never any love, there was never any care, and there was never any God involved in anyway. there was never any patience, and there was always a record of wrongs being kept. it was never love, and that's why you could walk away and not look back. there was no love, so you could just leave me stranded there and feel nothing.
i understand it all now... and it hurts, but i finally know now.
this is where i cut it all off and walk away. this is where i hand it all over to God and allow Him to heal my heart, and fill it with love and forgiveness once more.
this is where i stop caring and start living my own life. this is where i make God my everything
this is where i stop hating
this is where i stop wondering
this is where i begin anew
this is where i begin trusting again
this is where i begin loving once more

i can't change what's already happened, but that's what made me into who i am today, the person who tries to love God in all i do, the person who tries to be all that she can be for God. i hate complacency, and i refuse to live in it any longer. i hate worldliness, i hate what the world has made on certain days.

Enter In (click to hear it!)
words and music by Matthew Snelgrove

Verse One
I remember the time
When you came into my life You saved me
I’m no longer the same
Forever I am changed
You paid for it all

Chorus
Help me to enter in to where the veil has been torn
Closer to where you are as the angels adore

Verse Two
Now its time to live the life
As a living sacrifice
Pleasing to you
Go in to the fields
To bring in your harvest
To do your will

Bridge
Holy is the Lord

just a quote...

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering it's things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night." ~The Kite Runner

losing the fight...

~It is breaking me down
Watching the world spin around
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?

It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?

Can anybody out there hear me?
Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
Cause I can't seem to feel myself

Losing my way
Keep losing my way
Keep losing my way
Can you help me find my way?~

i'm getting so tired... so weary of fighting now. So tired of pretending. I'm not as strong as you all think I am. the truth: i'm falling apart from the inside out. somedays i just feel like i can't take it anymore. i want out, i want a break. it's not as great as everyone makes it out to be... being alone makes the fight that much harder. being all by myself makes me doubt myself. fighting alone makes it hard... and i think i'm about ready to give up the fight. no one seems to care, no one seems to notice that i'm struggling. what's the point in fighting anymore? what's the point on keeping my head afloat anymore? the doubts... the regrets... the shame... the pain... it's all become so overwhelming lately.
the pain in my heart... it pierces... it hurts... who can i trust anymore? i know to you it's petty... i know to you all it's all just the past... but it's not to me. it's become life... it's become who i am... it's the one thing that i keep stumbling over. i'm trying so hard to get over it... trying so hard to let it go... trying so hard to be a bigger person... trying so hard to be happy... trying so hard to live my life. but what's the point anymore... it all seems so pointless...
what if i just faded into the background... and then faded out of the picture completely... i've lost sight of everything that's important to me... i've forgotten what it feels like to be loved unconditionally... i'm beginning to feel only hate and bitterness once again.... the loneliness seems so much stronger than love cause love seems so far away... forgiveness seems so far away... i keep looking towards getting outta here... away from all this pain... all the betrayal... all the hate... all the bitterness... i think the time has come... it's time for me to get out there... wherever out there is... maybe out there someone can hear me, and they will save me from this hell.

solitude...

funny how people always want what they don't have. so once again, i have the house all to myself. blessing and a curse. strange, because i was getting so tired of having all these people around... and just when i was getting used to having people around again, they're all gone again. that's just the irony in life, right?
i don't mind the being alone part, but there are days when it would be nice to have someone to talk to when i walk in the door, or someone to have a conversation with while i'm eating dinner at the table... by myself. or even just someone to watch tv with, so that i don't end up laughing at something all alone. a jokes always funnier when shared with another.
the solitude almost becomes too much, yet i don't feel the need to reach out for people. even after sitting at my cubicle all day, coming home and being by myself some more isn't so bad. it doesn't drive me to the point where i feel like i need to find someone, doesn't make me desperate enough to actually pick up a phone and call people.
maybe it's that... or maybe it's just that i don't even know who i would call. i don't even know who has the time, or who i can trust. trust has become such an issue lately. maybe that's why i enjoy my solitude so much. it gives me an excuse to not have to open up myself. it gives me an excuse not to tell people things. it allows me to keep things to myself, where it is safe. it's not that i don't trust, but simply that i have a hard time trusting those who have betrayed the trust.
i choose to stay silent because i can't wear my heart on my sleeve no longer. it always gets me in trouble and it's about time that i took care of my heart. i don't want to be hurt again... so until i feel stronger, i think i'm just going to be extra careful with my heart, and keep it where i know it can't get hurt anymore.

Life goes on...

Don't you ever just have one of those days where you wished the world would just spinning and time would just stand still for you. For it to just stop so you can catch up with your own thoughts, with your own feelings. A day where you feel like everything is running out of your grasp, and no matter how hard you reach or how fast you try to run to catch up, you just can't seem to get there, and it's always just out of your reach. So you wonder, if time could just stop for you to catch up with everything else wouldn't that be wonderful?
Too bad time doesn't stop for nobody. It doesn't stop for you when you're sad, and you just want it to stop while you dwell in your sadness. It doesn't stop when you're happy and you wish that time would stop so you can enjoy the joy for awhile. It doesn't stop when you feel like you can't take it anymore, and you just want a break from the rest of the world. Time never stops no matter what the circumstances are.
Lately, I've been having lots of those days. Lots of days where I wish time would stop. Not because I want to dwell in any one of those feelings. Life hasn't been completely terrible to me, nor has it been great that I wish I could be in this time forever. It's been those days where you feel like things are just moving at an uber quick speed, and you wish that it would slow down so you can catch up. My days just seem to all amalgamate into one huge day... and I can't really tell one from the other. I go to work, I go home... and it starts all over again... until I reach the weekend.
But in the end, I know that time does not stop ever, and life simply moves on. I've realised that I need to appreciate each day as it comes, and take it for what it is: a blessing from God that I am alive to live another day. I know that hind sigh is 100% and dwelling on anything too long is no good for me. It will always be more clear now than it was awhile back. So therefore, I should face forward and keep striving towards the end goal.

God's protection

when i think of everything i've seen or gone through in the past little while, i can't help but see how God has really been protecting me and keeping me safe. He saved me from a lot of hassle. a couple of weeks ago, the bank got robbed, but due to timing, i was safely in the lunch room on my lunch break. had my coworker gotten back later, or if i had taken my time to go on lunch, i probably would've been the first one to be robbed.
last night, as i was driving home, i watched a guy run a red, and was hit by a car that was going on the green. thank goodness he was fine, and he barely had a scratch on him. i was lucky because there are days when i don't watch the light, and if people beside me are moving, i tend to go too. praise God i was alert, and paying attention. waiting for the police so i could give my statement was a pain, and it was pretty chilly, but at least i wasn't in the accident. being the by stander is much better than being involved in this case.
He's definitely been taking care of me. i guess it's not in the ways i wish for Him to, and He hasn't provided what i WANTED. but he's very obviously provided what i NEEDED. there's no room for my selfishness. how can i see how God has been taking care of me and wonder if i can offer Him my life? how can i even wonder if it's worth it? this is my come back for people who think they can live life now, and give to God later: what if you died tonight? or what if God came back tonight? and you haven't given Him your life, so He tells you that you can't enter into eternity with Him? or He asked you about why you haven't answered His calling?
we can't keep holding back and telling ourselves that we still have time to come back to God later, when all the fun's been had. God demands that we live for Him NOW in the present. i think lately i've been forgetting about that. when i get to heaven, God's not going to care about what i had PLANNED to do, but He's going to care about what i have already DONE. i believe that it's time for me to sit back and re-evaluate where my heart lies, and where i've placed God these past couple months.

frustration to the max...

what is it that God wants from me? where is it that i'm suppose to go? what is it that i am to do? i'm tired of trying to be patient, and i'm tired of being on my own. don't pretend like you know or understand, because you don't. you don't know the frustrations i go through everyday, you don't understand my anger and confusion.
i try to turn to God, but everytime i get near, i feel the need to pull away. i want to feel the comfort of God's hand in my life, but i find myself turning to worldly things instead. i'm trying to hear God's voice, but i feel like everything else in my life drowns it out. i can't hear it. i feel like i keep knocking on His door, and He's just ignoring me. do you understand what that feels like? to stand there and wait, and wait, and wait, but He doesn't come, and He doesn't answer.
i think 2 years ago, a small part of me died, and i haven't been the same since. lately the memories have been haunting me, and certain fears have returned. it makes me want to run, to run away and never come back. to go where no one knows me, where no one even knows my name. to be alone, and leave it all behind.
~I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are~
i've called...but where is the answer? God where are you?

restless

i hate this state of restlessness that i've fallen into. this state of unsatisfaction where nothing seems to cease my frustration with everything in my life. i have a job for which i should be grateful, i have a wonderful family, and amazing friends, all of which are Godsent, and all of which i am very grateful for. so why am i so unhappy and so frustrated with my life? a year ago my life was a question mark as graduation neared, but at least i was happy. scared, but happy. now i find myself caught in the materialistic world, chasing after jobs that pay me more money, longing for things that bring only temporary satisfaction. where has all my passion gone? where did all that joy go?
i feel as if i've become what i wanted to become the least. i've become one of those people who wake up every morning and dread going to work. i've become one of those people who hate their jobs, and in turn i think i'm starting to hate myself for it.
maybe i'm restless because i've haven't attained all that God meant for me. i'm not where God wants me to be, i'm not doing what He wants me to do. but what is it that He wants for me, where is it that i am to be? i thought it was here, so was it? i'm waiting, and i'm getting impatient.
right now i'd do anything to jump back onto that plane and head back to the philippines, but i believe that's called running away from reality... and in a way, running away from God. i know that He hasn't called me back there just yet... and that right now i need to stay put and wait on God. somedays are easier than others... but God knows best, and if i try to do my own thing i know i'll simply land flat on my face. so gotta just keep trekking for the sake of eternity.

happy new years!

HAPPY 2007! i can't believe that 2006 is over already. feels like yesterday that we celebrated the end of 2005. praise God for the most amazing year yet. despite all the uncertainty this year was filled with, and all the anxiety of not knowing what was/is ahead for me, i still think that it was a wonderful year. the highlight was definitely missions in the Philippines, and 3 months in HK with family and random friends.
this past year brought new struggles and trials that i had not seen before, but i stayed focused on God, and He carried me through each and every single time. i'm thankful for new struggles and trials because that means that i've grown and that i'm not struggling with the same thing year after year. and this past year was also the most happy i've been in years, so praise God for filling my heart with joy and laughter.
several things i learned this year: i now know how it feels for those who don't speak any chinese to step in our church... it's confuing... and you just don't understand what's going on half the time. i've seen firsthand that prayer goes beyond language and border and culture. i've learned how to bury the past and be happy with where i am. i've learned that finding a job is hard... esp one that you will "enjoy." most importantly i've learned the importance of having family and friends support, pray and encourage you in everything is a previlaged, not to be taken for granted.
as the new year begins, i pray that God continues to touch everyone in which ever way they need. i pray that you will all find Him in all that you do, and He will bless you in everything. i'm excited to see what He has in store for 2007, no matter good or bad, because i know that He is in control, and whatever happens, it will be develop my faith in Him, and through it i will mature.
have a good one!