sad... but thankful

"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as other." ~Ecclesiastes 7:14

thanks for all the prayers and all the encouragement lately! how often i sulk in my own misery and ask God why things have to be so bad. i always forget that good or bad, God is the creator, and He is in control of both. i need to remember that regardless of how bad a situation is, God created it, and He placed me into it for His own purpose that i may or may not understand at the time. God has brought me here for a reason, and i trust that He will provide me with all that i need and give me all the answers that i am looking for.

i still haven't found a job. at least there was a little more hope this week. maybe soon, it won't just be phone calls, but real interviews for a job that i will enjoy. it kinda sucks because even Starbucks won't call me back! so maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a part time job. i'm tired of this sitting around and doing nothing. but in God's time i guess. and i guess i should take everyone's advice and just enjoy this break from everything that God has provided for me.

so praise God for the good things AND the bad things that happened this past week, and praise Him for getting me through another week.

sick and tired of waiting!!!

ok... i'm so tired of this waiting around and doing nothing. even Starbucks won't call me back?!?! i can't even get a part time job?!?! i'm trying so very hard to be patient here... but it's getting very very hard. i feel like i get these calls, and then there's hope... and then at the end, it's just another rejection letter.
i'm quickly losing sight of the light at the end of this tunnel. it just seems to be moving further and further away... there just doesn't seem to be an end at all! am i being too picky? am i not doing enough?! what in the world am i doing wrong?!?
am i really going to have to go sell friggin' investments stuff that i don't believe in, and that i think are total scams?!?! how am i suppose to go sell something that i don't even believe in?!?! but at the rate this is all going, those will be the only companies who will hire me!
i'm trying to stay focused... but the anxiety appear to be winning. i haven't gotten one single call about anything in over a week... nothing but a whole bunch of rejection emails! how sad. i think i'm seriously going to go crawl into a hole and not come out. maybe there'll be ice cream in this hole.... so i just go and hide out there and eat ice cream... :(
i'm even more frustrated now than i was in hk. feels like i just keep hitting wall after wall after wall. where's the provision now?! i made a choice, so where's the job?! i don't understand, i thought i followed, and if i do, then He'll help me... i don't want to be like this. argh... trying to keep the faith.

so home i am...

home for over a week now... still feels strange.

did i make the right choice? should i have tried harder? should i have stuck it out and left for good? well, too late for those what if scenarios now. home i am, and no longer in hk. still unemployed and continuing my life of a bum. at least i got a tutor job, so that will take up like an hour or 2 a week. and the rest of the time shall be distributed between my tv watching habits, working out and hermiting.

people ask me how i feel about being home. it feels strange. feels weird. feels like the last 4 months was a really nice dream but none of it really happened. but it must have, or i wouldn't constantly be reminded of the philippines and how much i love the place and the people. if it hadn't been for real, i wouldn't be sad when i think of my new church and my new friends that i found in hk. so, it must have happened, and it must have been that good. God is truly amazing because none of it would have happened if it weren't for Him! He provided everything for me, starting even before i left the country. the opportunity, the visa, the time, the strength, the courage... it was all God! if i had things my way... i would definitely not be where i am today... an unemployed bum!

but it wasn't all about experiencing. it wasn't all about the relationships that were made. there are also the lessons that had to be learned. one thing from having so much time alone to spend with God is that He always has something to reveal and you always come out better. maybe God needed to have me all to Himself so He could show me just how much He loved me and cared for me. it was about time, that i finally realized that for it is and accept that. there is nothing i can do or not do to deserve His love, He's already given it to me! not only that, but God has really taught me to let go. to REALLY clean out my own closet monsters, and chuck them out, and not aside. God taught me to let go of all that I was trying to hold on to, because if i keep hanging on, then i won't have any room to hold the new blessings that He has in store for me! what a cliche... but it's so true!

so praise God for a safe return, and for the friends who have made the move back less painful and less awkward. thanks for all those who have made me feel like i mean something. but most importantly, praise God for everything that He has done, and for all the things that He has blessed me with!