let the ball start running...

a little while back, i started feeling this tug in my heart for missions. as most people would agree, i'm quite a spoiled little girl. then i go to thinking that, i'm so fortunate for a reason, and i started to feel this passion to reach out to those who are less fortunate. to give up the comforts of home, and travel to where ever it is that God may call me to, and do to His wonderful work. so after much thought, and prayer, i finally decided to start talking to people about these crazy ideas that had started to form in my head. well, not crazy, but just these ideas. they didn't laugh at me, so that was a good sign, but encouraged me to really look into it, and to continue to pray about it.
this is the part where the story starts to get crazy. a couple weeks just before missions fest, i finally decided that i needed to go on missions this summer. when i decided this, it was still more like lip service, and i had the the attitude that "well, if someone were to fall into my lap God, then for sure, i'll go!" but i wasn't about to put any effort into looking things up, and finding a missions trip. then started the 3 weeks of mission sermons, to which one main thing stuck out: "if you've been called, you better get off you bum and go!" so finally, i couldn't turn off that voice in my head no longer, i couldn't ignore that tugging on my heart anymore, i had to do something about this. so, i got off my lazy bum and went to missions fest to check out the booths, to see if i could find any mission trips to go on. at the first booth i stopped at, the man just started talking to me, and then he started to pray for me, right then and there! that was scary! but i think it only comfirmed the calling even more.
after that, i went home and thought long and hard about missions. i decided, it didn't matter where He called me to, i will go. then i had this idea that i really wanted to go on missions to help at an orphanage or something. the very next morning, i ran into YY at church and started talking to her about missions and about the orphanage idea. to which she tells me she has a friend in China who is actually working in an orphanage and that she was planning to visit her this summer! so she agreed to talk to her friend for me and see of there was anyhing i could do there.
next i go talk to uncle charles about it... i found nothing about orphanges at missions fest, but he did. he ended up bumping into a man, who runs orphanages in China.
i finally pushed my fears aside, and got into contact with him, and he's replied with several ways in which i can get involved with orphanages in China. so the ball has started rolling, and there's no way to back out now. if all things work out, i could be heading there in a couple of months.
this all started with a hunch that i should go on missions. and now... all of these things are just... coming together in such a strange way that there is no denying that God is behind it all.
(the story sounds a lot more exciting in person.)
God is amazing. He alone started this whole thing, and I have faith that He's going to take me all the way through until the end. He got me through the last 5 years of school, the least i could do is give this small amount of time back to Him. so i will put my career pursuit on hold, and pursue first the passion that God has placed in my heart. i trust that He'll take care of everything, even provide me with a job after all this, if it's His plan for me. :)

like being run over by a truck...

maybe it was because i actually ran into someone on the court while playing basketball tonight... oops. no, just joking, that was more like running into a wall.

never sweep things under the rug and pretend like they're forgotten. it never works. in the end, it simply comes back to haunt you 10 times worse than before. or maybe simply, it was never swept under the rug at all. simply put into the shadowy corners of my life, just outta sight so as not to be significant, but in sight enough to not let you forget. sometimes, memories just seem to have a life of its own. when you least expect it, it'll hit you so hard, its like being hit by a truck. the overwhelming feeling of forgotten memories rushing into your mind. i thought i would faint on the court. (never good to be in a daze when playing ball... hence bad things happen.)
broken promises, misplaced trust, broken relationship, hurt feelings, angry words, hurting words, unforgiveness, hatred, tears, nausea, pain, lost, grief, loneliness, lost dreams... then it hit me full force, the truth. the forgiveness has been given, but i still long for the words "i'm sorry." i gave God my anger, my pain, my hatred, i traded it all for His peace, joy, and love. i handed Him my unforgiving heart, and in return He gave me one filled with forgiveness. but my pride tugs at my heart. i want "i'm sorry." that is all. knowledge and understanding that the pain was real, that the memories are real. i'm tired of feeling like it was all my fault. just release me, please.
today the memories haunt. not the good ones, but the bad ones. i don't hope that the memories haunt you, because you wouldn't understand, you don't have those memories, you were never there...
i want "i'm sorry," because you were never there...
the truth: you were never there...
it hit me like a truck at full speed.

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~i said i'd finish the song, and i did.~

Late at night
When all the world is sleeping
I lie awake
And I think of all You've done
How you took away my sins
By Your grace and Your mercy
You washed me white as snow
And called me Your own

So I cry
Adonai of all the earth I praise You
Adonai of all the earth I praise You