how to tell if you're a fob or a cbc...

you're a fob if tea means using leaves and hot water
you're cbc if tea means throwing a tea bag in some hot water

you're a fob if you carry hot drinks in a thermos
you're a cbc if you carry hot drinks around in an insulated coffee mug

you're a fob if it's grey cup weekend, and you think people ran off to watch hockey
you're a cbc if you understand what the grey cup is

you're a fob if cbc's don't understand your english
you're a cbc if fobs think you have an accent when you speak chinese

you're a fob if your cell phone's language setting is set to chinese
you're obviously a cbc if your cell phone is not!

you're a fob if your ring tone is some chinese pop song
you're cbc if you ring tone is anything but a chinese pop song

you're a fob if you know all the chinese people in class, and you talk to them in chinese
you're a cbc if you converse with all chinese people in english

you're a fob if you don't know what 24 is
you're a cbc if you watch it religiously

you're a fob if your idea of karaoke is to sing well
you're a cbc if your idea of karaoke is to butcher the songs

you're a fob if you make your friend do shots by themselves on their bday
you're a cbc if you buy 2 and take it with them

you're a fob if your music collection is compiled of all chinese songs
you're a cbc if you don't listen to that stuff

you're a fob if you copy notes from your prof including bad grammar and spelling
you're a cbc if you fix it all in your own notes so it makes sense

here's the most obvious of them all:
you're a fob if you understand things better in chinese
you're a cbc if you understand things better in english!

oops, i think i fell....

fell? how? wouldn't u like to know?! the secretses... shh... we don't talk about that! haha... i love having secretses... and i love calling them that... and i have no idea why! i think i'm just a dork when it comes to stuff like this. apparently i talk in code too much and just expect people to know what i'm talking about. but i think the truth is i talk in code because i want to talk about something, but i'm kinda embarassed for people to know... so... hence i talk about something, but i don't really talk about it.
new secretses make me so happy! ok, i have got to stop smiling like i'm hiding something... it's making it too obvious that i am! when people get suspicious, people start asking questions... and i don't like answering questions! so no more smiling like an idiot. but smiling makes me happy, and makes people around you happy... so why not just smile away? plus, it makes homework more barable cause i'm in a good mood! so really who cares... i'm happy, and i'll spread my joy!
yay! the eskimos won! boo to the stupid elevator that stopped working, so i couldn't get back upstaris to ratt to watch the overtime!!!! i stood inside that thing for so long... pressing 7... and the elevator just wouldn't move!!!! shouldn't there a be sign there that says that the elevator will take you downstairs, but you're not going to be able to get back upstairs... cause then i wouldn't have gone down in the first place! oh well, they still won!
boo to stat 479... and boo to this stupid project for that class! yay to finally getting some work done... and something that i can use... and i think i finally understand it. after sitting in front of a computer all day... and 2 at one point today... and sitting in sub with a table of 4 laptops looking like we're having a lan party.... and an hour of moving around until we could find decent internet access... but i think i kinda understand what it is that i have to do now! in the 8 hours that i was at school... i think only maybe 3/4 if even of that was real work time. oops!
boo to my new nick name small pig... why they pick on me like this?!? regardless of who i'm with, i'm always the one people laugh at! haha... oh well... i guess it was kinda funny. yay to the bunnies that look so funny as white lumps on the ground since there's no snow and they don't blend into the snow.
yay to god for another good weekend! yay for everyone who got baptized this weekend! thanks for the reminders that God is amazing and he works in supernatural ways! as much as it didn't feel like i went to church today... and i say i didn't feel like i got any corporate worship, God spoke in his own way through the testimonies of these people. yay for the way God touches people's hearts.
boo to people who confuse me and make me sad. but yay to people who put a huge smile on my face! yay to phone calls from friends, and meaningless conversations. thanks god for using all of those to balance out the things that get a boo! yay for the love that god represents, and yay for how he shows it.
conlusion: the weekend was a yay!

lost in the forest...

wow, what an amazing week! i mean it wasn't a perfect week, but i'm not looking for perfection. just a week where no matter what happens, there is trust that God is there. started the week with monday night basketball as usual... fun as usual. i think our team played for an hour straight almost! hahaha... it was nice to play on a winning team. and i wasn't completely useless, i managed to sink 2 baskets!
i realized this week, that God has answered my answered my prayer to simplify my life. it's like my picture. i've been feeling so lost in the forest, so surrounded, almost to the point of suffocation. but then i take a moment, and i look up, pass the trees, and i see the sunlight. in the clutter, God has called me to look up heavenward, and there i stand in awe of the peace that looking up brings. no matter how things around me are suffocating me, or frustrating me, i simply have to look up, and nothing else will matter as much as my heavenly father. in my weariness, God has brought me rest. before, i always thought that simplifying my life would mean much more drastic measures, but i think i've realized that by turning my focus onto God, the simplification will follow. by trusting in Him and handing everything over to Him, i no longer worry about silly things, and what remains is simplicity.
not only have i been blessed with answered prayers all around, He's graciously surrounded with friends who love and care for me. there's always somone there in the right place at the right time, whether it be for last min hang outs, someone to talk to, someone to shop with, someone to be silly with, someone to eat with, He has constantly provided at the right place and time, and most important the right person. (thanks to everyone who's brought comfort and encouragement without even knowing it! for the hugs, the laughs, the talks, the hang-outs, coming over for dinner, cooking with me, the shoulders soaked with my tears, the encouragement, the outstretched hands, and yes, even for cleaning with me! you've all been God-sent! )

for Him, not for me...

"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of you my king.
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying my rights,
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life.

And I surrender all to you, all to you.

I'm singing you this song, I'm waiting at the cross
and all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing you, for the glory of your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in your pain."

maybe being cautious is being selfish. by being cautious, i'm not letting God into my life the way He wants to be in my life. by being cautious, i'm not taking up my cross to follow Him. by saying i'm not ready, i'm telling God no, and that i care more about myself than i do about him. today's sermon was based on putting God before everything else. i think lately, i've been too selfish. always saying that i need to take care of myself first. always telling God that i need more time. more time to heal, more time to "get better." but is "better" ever going to come. God calls us to come in whatever state that we are in. He calls us into service no matter what we are going through, or have gone through. Never has God said, you are too messed up, so i can't use you. Unless your heart is serving the devil, God will use you.
God never promised that by following Him, that there will be no hardships, and everything will be perfect. But God did promise that no matter what it is that we go through, He is right there going through it with us. In Christ, we are never alone, and we are never abandoned. even when we are at the very bottom, God can still find a way to use you. i am convinced that even when you don't want to be used God, He will still find a way for you to be used.
i think its time to let go of myself, and let God take over. healing will only come when I let him in, true joy is only found in Him alone. its time to say "god it may hurt, and i may not want to do it, but i will because you have called me." it's time for the "yes Lord no matter what" to be true, and not a half-hearted committment made while on a spiritual high from a rally or conference.
it is no longer about me, but about God. i may want things MY way, but God says, no, it has to be HIS way. Trust me, MY way is NOT a better way than HIS way. MY way leads to the fires of hell, while HIS way will lead you into eternity in Heaven.

relapse

so after 5 years of hard work and dedication to a committment i made... i find myself falling in to a relapse. maybe it was the large amount of vodka i put into myself... or maybe it was just something that's been brewing inside of me, and it was only a matter of time before it came to this. it was never suppose to come to this... but i just couldn't take it anymore. the escape from reality... the punishment for doing wrong... which always results in even more guilt and more shame.
ok, so maybe hiding from reality has not been the best medicine. i was hoping that it was all just a bad nightmare, and that none of it ever happened, but no one can tell me that can they? How could God let all this happen? How come He's not here? Can someone please tell me? I've been waiting... maybe God has someone nice... "the break in the clouds." But it only seems to be bad news on top of more bad news all the time. i'm tired... and the more tired i get, the more my faith seems to shake... and the more i want to escape.
How come He think's I can handle all this? Because we're only suppose to be faced with what He thinks we can handle right? God I know that i said i can do this on my own, but i can't. why'd they walk out... and leave me here in all the crap? i thought we in this together? so why do i feel like it was all my fault? why do i feel like i've lost everything?
argh... too much pain... can only take so much more. can u stop hurting me, please? or else... i just might give up this fight...

proceeding with caution

yield signs... those upside down triangle things. when you see one, you're suppose to slow down and proceed with caution! of course unless you're in the windsor carpark on campus, because those are apparently non-existent. i don't know how many times i've had to yield to cars that are suppose to yield to me!!! annoyance... esp when its early, and i don't want to be at school. but yielding is so important, because if you don't slow down to make sure no cars are coming, its very likely that you're going to be hit by a car, esp at a busy intersection!
how many times does God put up yield signs in our lives, and ask us to proceed with caution? sometimes, he just sends us the bright flashing warning signs, but more often, they're those yield signs that many of us chose to ignore at certain intersections or at certain times of the night when roads are less busy. because God has a still small voice, sometimes, if we're not paying attention, it's very easy to miss them.
but can anyone ever be too cautious? or too careful? maybe, maybe not. its always good to be cautious when behind the wheel. but how about in dealing with others? can one be too careful about letting people in? ever met someone who keeps everyone at an arm's length? its frustrating... and until this week... i've never considered myself to be one, but maybe i have become one. i don't like to share, and i don't probe people because i don't want to be probed in return. i'll let you scratch the surface, but to get in any deeper would just be sharing too much. maybe i'm scared you'll get in too deep, that you'll see the wound that's still bleeding. the wound that needs stitches, but i've simply patched up with band-aids.
maybe its ok to be cautious, just for now. until the bleeding stops and the wound stops its stinging. until it stops getting infected, and the cleaning process is complete, and God has stitched me up. maybe then, i can let you into my heart.