simple joys

ok, so before this next post, i'm suppose to say that i love the corolla sport too! i'll even post a picture!

anyways, back to simple joys

simple joys are the ordinary everyday things that can make your day.
~ ice cream from the tub
~ candy
~ seeing a nice car
~ cute babies
~ encouraging words
~ hugs and kisses
~ sunshine
~ good songs
~ rainbows
~ silly girl talk
~ good conversation
~ goal fulfilled
~ math problem solved

what a good weekend. so many simple joys for me this weekend. i was waiting outside for a little while today and got to soak in the warm sunshine. ate lots of candy while studying at school... dried mangoes counts as candy. rode in nice cars, corolla sports... haha. heard some good old school songs, had some silly girl talk in bathrooms, had some good converstions. got my ears pierced like i've been wanting to, and i even figured out some of the stat problems for my next assignment all on my own!
ok, so there weren't any hugs and kisses, or ice cream from tubs, and there was no cute baby at tokyo express this time, and no rainbows, but more than half the list is pretty good for one weekend.
and now i feel so giddy... just because i had a good weekend, and i'm starting to understand the one class that i was completely clueless in! yay, praise god, because He DOES answer prayers!

oh how i love cars...

ok, so i admit it, i love cars. and i esp love pretty cars. not only good looking cars... but cars that are powerful too. haha... its not good enough that its nice on the outside, but the engine under the hood needs to be just as nice! so, since guys like to compare girls with cars, i've decided, why can't girls? so here goes... my first love.... a 1995 honda prelude. i was still in jr high when i decided that my dream car was going to be honda prelude... and then they stopped making them!!! as old as that car may be, everytime i see one on the street it still turns my head. i guess that's what they say about your first love, eh? you never quite get that first one out of your system. my first still turns my head.
so after that i kinda had dreams about a honda civic, until they re-designed them and made them look like a family car. then there was the integra for awhile, but they stopped making those too.
and then there was the tsx...

what a beautiful car! it looked cool, and it had power! it became my new dream car the minute i first saw it! i even went as far as saying i'd only date a guy if he drove a tsx (which is NOT true). i want my own! cause i know if i had a bf who had a car like this... he's probably not going to let me drive it. it was like how guys get the "new girl symdrome" this was like new car syndrome for me. i wanted this car, but with anything else, the new-ness eventually wears off and it just becomes another car. i think about it once in awhile, but its no longer... an i gotta have! plus when someone buys your dream car, it no longer seems special. cause before anyone else has one, it was cool... but when someone else has it... who cares.
and then i had this crazy thought, if i want to start saving up for a tsx... why not save up even more and spring for the next model up? the tl....

ok... so i wasn't as crazy about this car as i was about the other dream cars, but hey, it caught my eye. it became the new thing i couldn't stop looking for and the thing i couldn't stop thinking about. but yah, there isn't much more to say about this car other than, i still wouldn't mind it! haha... hey, what can i say? its a nice car. its kinda one of those safe choice things. like the choice to fall back on... when other choices don't seem available. i mean they do still make this car! no more preludes... no more integras... but they do still make tl's. and the tsx is still rather new... who knows... they're probably still making improvements to make it better. its like would you rather the one you know has a good reputation, or the one that's new and you don't know much about? haha... think about it. you want a guy with a trusted reputation, or a new guy that's a question mark?
and then came the one that appeared in my dream one night...



the audi a4. so before this car appeared in my dream, it was waaay too much of a family car. and it was kinda big... i prefer driving small cars... hence the 2 door prelude. but hey... this is one sweeeeet car. and if you think about it, who wouldn't want to marry rich? haha... like who wouldn't want to own an audi a4? but of course this was one of those out of reach kinda dreams. (of course at the time, i was still seriously considering my career as an actuary... which would mean that in a couple of years time i'd probably be able to afford this car....) but hey, extravegance isn't for everyone... and i'm not one to dwell on being rich.... because i'd pick happiness over money any given day. haha... just because something appeared in a dream doesn't mean it's the truth... or means that it's something that i want or should pursue. of course... weird things appear in my dreams... so who knows what anything means when they come from dreams!
and finally, the car of the moment...

a volvo s40. after a discussion about cars with my dad... we both decided that a volvo s40 would be a nice choice. volvo's are less boxy than they used to be, and they're safe cars. haha... which is funny because... if i'm going to relate cars to guys... that would mean my dad'll have to approve of this guy... and he'd have to give me security. haha... i've also realized that a volvo is still an expensive car. but it's nice to dream.
okay... so i'm not so good at comparing guys with cars.. i just love cars too much. so who cares! these are sweet ass cars! this doesn't mean that just because i like expensive cars, i like boys with money. haha... i really shouldn't compare the 2. i'm not the kinda girl who wants the car to come with the boy. it'll bring me much more joy if i can work towards it, and buy it for myself. i'm particular about cars... and bottom line, i want my own. of course... if i ever did end up with one of my dream cars... and a guy... he'd be allowed to drive my car. haha... he can drive me around in MY car. haha.... ok... too much information. yah... so there is NO correlation between my taste in cars and my taste in boys. so... they ruins the whole blog!
but i have realized one thing, my taste in cars has shifted. where once they lie in cars that were in other words more "ricer" type of cars...i've started leaning more towards more stable... and somewhat "family" cars. oh... how sad. i'm getting old. not only that, but i used to only love japanese cars! i wouldn't even look at other types of cars. but i've broadened my horizons... european cars! more high class... obviously! i'm moving up the chain.
but that doesn't change anything. i still want to watch 2 fast 2 furious... and i still love initial d. just because i don't really want those kinda cars anymore... doesn't mean i don't like them anymore. it's just that the excitement has worn off, and security and practicality is more important.
oh and a side note... i don't necessarily want a silver car... its just that all the pictures i could find were of the cars in silver. silver is nice... but i think i want a dark colored car. haha... darker is better.

Back to the beginning

"Through forgotten convictions and misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice.
Chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been done this road before.
I gotta get back to where it all began.
Where I would long for only You."

John 1:1-18
In my attempt to get back to the basics, and back to putting God first in my life, I've decided to start where my walk with God very first began. In the book of John. Reading the first couple verses of John as a non-Christian... I don't remember it making any sense to me at all. I had minimal knowledge of who this God was, and ended up skimming these first couple lines. If you go to church, esp a very contemporary church, Im sure that you have sang the song "Here I am to Worship" by Tim Hughes. The very first line of that song is "Light of the world, you stepped down into darkness, " which is exactly what this passage is about. Jesus Christ was the light that stepped into the darkness which is the world.
I think this passage has 2 parts. The first part is the summary of who Jesus was and why He came to the earth. The second part is about people who have known Jesus and what they are to do because God has touched their lives. A lot of time, when someone is starting out as new Christian, or searching, and want to start getting into the Bible, many a times, they are told to start with the Book of John. It makes sense, right here at the very beginning of the book is the gospel message. Jesus came to bring truth and grace and to make God known. It also says that not everyone accepts Him, but for those who do "he gave the right to become children of God— 13children born not of natural descent,[c] nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." Right there at the very beginning of the book, is the truth, if you accept Him, you become a child of God.
As we live in such a humanistic world, where the world teaches us "every man/woman for themselves," we tend to conform to the world, and lose our own identity in the process. Our desire to belong and to be accepted causes people to lose their sense of self and identity. But it's not our identity in others that matter, but our identity in God. It doesn't matter what other people think, it only matters that God loves you, and wants you to call Him Father. But because God is invisible, we tend to turn towards other things and other people for acceptance and reassurance that we matter. We look for things that are tangible because science teaches us that something only exists only if you can prove that it does. Other people exist because you can feel them, and God does not because you can not touch Him. So, here's the question: would you rather place your security in something/someone that will in someway or other let you down someday, or stop caring about you? Or would you rather place your security in Someone that will love you no matter what you do, and will never ever leave you for forsake you?
And if you've already found this love and have it in your life, why are you not sharing with everyone around you? Why do you leave the world in the dark? When we are specifically told to go and be a light in the world?

Hate the World Today ~ Starfield

As much as it thrills me
I wanna get off this ride
For gravity holds me
Yet grace calls me to Your side

As much as I trust You
Though I know that hope will come with time
Injustice prevails
And truth lags behind

Looking for beauty
Searching for sense in all the pain
A note of redemption
A break in the clouds to stop the rain

Can You hear me calling?
Have You been listening to my cry?
Cause I can't carry onIf I don't find out why

I hate the world today
But I love this life you have given
I hate the world today
But I love you and I need you here

Though stuck in this moment
Everything good still comes from you
As much as I don't know
I'm trusting that you will carry me through

Though thousands are falling
Though comfort and peace are beyond reach
I'll offer my heart
I'll try to believe

It's pulling me to pieces
In a fight for my soul
These two worlds are waging war
The falling of humanity
And the truth that although
I can't see with my eyes
I'm still trying to believe

re-evaluation time

i think i've reached the place where i really need to think about the things in which i place importance. i've been back in school for about a month now, and i'm feeling more lost and burdened than ever. why am i still in school? i honestly see no reason for why i am in school, i don't want to be in school, i don't want to study... sometimes... i don't want to be around.
i'm in a fellowship where i feel more lost than i ever have. do i belong there? but if i don't belong there, then where do i belong? can i go back? why am i letting someone dictate my life and not God? why is which fellowship, or church i go based on where someone else is not! why has the anger towards someone driven me to the point where it drowns out God's voice? why is forgiveness so hard? why does the tendency to ignore always seem stronger than the tendency to reconcile?
what am i re-evaluating anyways? my life? my relationship with God? my goals? the state of my heart? i can tell you straight up that the state of my heart is hard. my heart is numb from pain to the point where i don't think i can feel anymore. i've re-entered that state in which i vowed never to go back to. the numbness where i can't feel pain, and tears refuse to come even when i want to cry. (why is that you're the one who brought back the feeling in my heart, and you are also the one who has made me numb?)
my goals? before my goal was to finish school, have actuary exams done, find a job... make some money... and buy myself a sweet-ass car! find someone, get married, start having kids before i'm too old... but what does that all matter now? the money seems irrelevant, because there are too many unfortunate people in the world. find someone... that will come in time.... but don't want to be married anytime soon, and definitely don't want to be having kids anytime soon. i've come to see that as much as i love kids, i'm no where ready to have my own.
my relationship with God? now there's an interesting one. i would say that i'm on the fence, but that would be a lie. i can't say that my faith is on the fence when i know that i believe in Him and Him alone. I believe that He died on the cross to save me from my sins, and that He rose again from the dead in 3 days. i serve, because i have a passion to serve. but somedays i still feel so far. i talk to Him, but He feels so distant to me. i believe in Him, but at the same time i feel myself faltering and stumbling all over the place. i feel like i'm walking on the edge of a cliff, and by the way i'm stumbling on the cliff, it's only going to be a matter of time before i fall over!
so conclusion of re-evaluation: identity crisis, mixed in with anger causing unforgiveness... damn i'm bitter and jaded.