waiting... what are we all waiting for? what am i really waiting for? for something new to come along, or for something to come back? waiting for the same dreams to be allowed another chance, or for new dreams? am i suppose to find a new direction in life? or am i suppose to hang on to that same direction and try harder? you ask me if i have hope? i have hope. i know i have hope somewhere way down inside, buried deep deep inside. waiting... just waiting for someone to come by with an out stretched hand to help me off of the ground. i don't dare look up, because i don't want to see the looks of pity and of sympathy. waiting for a gentle touch on my shoulder to let me know that they're here, and that everything is going to be okay. i don't look up, because i don't want to see people's happy faces as they walk on by. it's not fair that i have to sit here by myself, waiting... just waiting. i don't dare reach out, because rejection haunts me. i sit there in my own world, consumed by my own thoughts. will they come? i ask myself over and over again. there is hope, it will be okay. someone will come, and they will lift me up. i have faith, i am certain of what i do not know, or see. having faith is hard, but i try. i cling onto that little tiny spark of hope, because that's all i have to hang onto. dead things won't come back, lost things won't be found easily, hate and anger won't bring peace. i hang onto the hope because through it will come love, love that i can not understand. love that has defeated death, love that will go in search of missing things that are of little or no importance to the rest of the world, and a love that will bring peace through forgiveness. i have to cling onto this tiny spark because otherwise, i'd be dead. torn between being tired and wanting to give up and wanting to hang on no matter what. what do i do? how will i know when you come? how will i know that you won't? maybe if i dare to look up, i'll see you running. maybe if i dare to look up, you're already standing there, simply waiting... waiting to hold your lost child in your strong embrace. still not ready... so still waiting. simply waiting until the my strength returns. until then, can you just simply whisper that you love me? so i know you still care, and you're simply waiting for me.
i was looking through my pictures, and came across this picture of the infamous crossing... how can i ever forget about this crossing? i probably will never forget. ahhh... burstall pass, such a nice hike.. long... and wet at times, but beautiful none the less. what brought on these memories? well... nothing in particular. i mean there are certain memories that are simply ingrained into your mind forever, and some that you can't ever seem to remember no matter how hard you try. funny thing memories are. seeing this picture of the crossing may bring back an INTERESTING memory, but what that event leads me to remember is something that i wouldn't trade for the world. memories of a time when i felt so happy. summer of 2003, the year i was step student at church. best summer of my life. i honestly felt like i was on top of the world. everything seemed to be going my way, and God was on my side. i had the best job ever, i was finally starting to find direction in my life with regards to school, things with my parents were good, friends who love me, and so many other things. but i guess things can't always be smooth sailing. it was like when we reached this pond when we were hiking. on the way up, the trek through the pond was fine. sure the roots in the ground hurt the bottom of my feet, but nothing i couldn't handle. it didn't discourage me from getting to the top of that mountain. my goal was in sight, and nothing would have caused me to lose sight of that. i was not ready to give up. the way down was a completey different story. of course the beginning of a trek down is always easy. i can run down at top speed because going down is like going with gravity, it seems natural. but then i hit that same pond at the bottom. i simply walked through it the first time, it's not like i can dry it up. so i find youself standing in front of the same pool of water. but this time i don't have to walk barefoot through it, someone's offered to carry me across. reluctant but relieved at not having to feel the roots underneath my feet, i climb on with complete trust. i never thought they'd slip and drop me right into the middle of the pond. after that, i had a cramp in my leg and the trek all the way back to the bottom became much harder. that's how i feel. like i've been dropped in a pool of water, cramped up, and now i'm walking with this pain in my leg that just won't seem to go away. except the pain isn't in my leg, the pain is in my heart. but i know just like my friend never left my side til we got to the end, God won't leave my side either. I know that God will also try to carry me, and it is only my stubborness for refusing to be carried. I know that God will also reprimand and remind me to not whine, but to keep going. He will continue to push me forward and not let me fall behind. thanks to a best friend who never gave up on me and always pushed me to become the best person i could be. it hurts that we can't be friends right now, more than you'll ever know. but i trust that God will take your place because He has to. He will continue to push me and believeing in me so that I will be able to reach the ultimate goal. Eternity with Him in heaven.
so i was reading the other day... because reading helps me keep up my english skills... since reading a math text requires little to NO knowledge of the english language... and to keep vron from saying to me "Learn english Fob!" Anyways... i was reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown, highly recommended if you're looking for a good fiction book. And in the book, there is this one part where they are talking about how God is all-powerful and well-meaning, the omnipotent and benevolent deity. This was the question presented: If God loves us, and He can protect us, He would have to. It seems either he is either omnipotent and uncaring, or benevolent and powerless to help. So basically there is all this pain, and God is powerful to help, but why doesn't he? This was the response: Imagine you had an eight-year-old son, would u love him? Of course. Would you do everything in your power to prevent pain in his life? Of course. Would you let him skateboard? Sure, but I'd tell him to be careful. So as this child's father, you would give him some basic, good advice and then him go off and make his own mistakes. I wouldn't run behind him and mollycoddle him if that's what you mean. But what if he fell and skinned his knee? Hw ould learn to be more careful. Here's the catch: So although you have the power to interfere and prevent your child's pain, you would choose to show your love by letting him learn his own lessons? Of course, pain is a part of growing up. It's how we learn. It's such a simple concept, and one that we learn in church all the time. Pain is a part of growing up, but I think sometimes i forget why i hurt. When you're in the midst of the growing pain, sometimes its easy to curse God and say He's not caring because He doesn't make the pain go away, or why He didn't prevent it from happening. But if not for this pain caused from doing something that God warns us to be careful of, then how would you learn to be careful? Sometimes, if we don't go through the pain of something, then the lesson is never learned! This whole summer seems to have been filled with lessons that I didn't want to learn, I don't like learning certain lessons because they always seem to include pain. BUt the more you put off the lesson that God wants you to learn, and longer you drag out your lesson, the more the pain will be. If you suck it in and accept the God planned lesson, sure it'll hurt for a little while, but it'll go away once you've learned the lesson. It's like the band-aid analogy. If you peel off the band-aid by picking at it, it's going to hurt for awhile. But if you rip it off quickly, it'll sting for a little while, and then it'll go away.
wow, the wedding is over and i'm back in edmonton... and even back in school. the wedding was simple and elegant, most suitable for the bride and groom! congrats to bec and jack for being the first in our group to get hitched! first time ever playing my role as a maid of honour. wouldn't have traded that experience for the world! watching your best friend get married right in front of you, no one in your way cause you're as closer than anyone else in the room, other than the best man, best spot in the house, maybe except for where al was standing! haha :) back in school once again... another new beginning. no more fooling around and being stupid, no more getting caught up in things that only screw me over. time to buckle down and kick some ass in my courses and pull up the curve! it feels strange that i'm back in school. gave up so much to be where i am right now. probably more than anyone will ever know or understand. but gotta make the most of it, i gave it up so i can be where i am right now, so i better not waste this new beginning... or this second chance. at least i didn't get out of school, and for that i'm very thankful. being back has brought back a huge flood of memories of things that came before school ended... which always has a tendency to lead towards anger.... but i'm trying hard to keep that anger under control and to lean towards a peace that will come from forgiveness. so much i've learned of God's grace and mercy this past summer, so when will i learn to pass that on in my own life? we'll see... this will most certainly take time. but i'm sure that God will shine through in the end, He always does.
