God's wonderful sense of humor...

i'm completely convinced that God has it out to make life as awkward as possible for me sometimes. or i just think he has this sense of humor that i don't understand at all! i seem to constantly find myself in situations where i have to wonder if things could be any more awkward?!?!
first he gets these people with whom i'm totally not close with to throw random comments at me! comments about the secretses that no one is really suppose to know about! haha... but yet everyone seems to somehow know about anyways. as if life wasn't confusing enough with certain people knowing?!?!
and then god throws a curve ball that goes in the complete opposite direction which throws me back into another fit of confusion! what is going on?!?! i wish he'd just give it to me straight. then i wouldn't have to be sitting on this fence constantly, wondering which side of the fence suits me better.
god will always bring ppl you don't want to see into the picture when you want to see them the least. at the same time, there are these "coincidences" that just seem to pop up all over the place when you're confused about something... that always makes you wonder if maybe that's the right choice. i seem to be constantly surrounded by coincidences.
and... as routine has it, i tend to pick the side with more "coincidences."

time for an update...

haha... ok, i'm obviously way to bored... esp if we're coming up with these during finals... haha... thanks buddy! glad to know someone's keeping with the observing even when i'm no longer around.

so here to add to the list of fobs vs cbcs:
You know you're a fob when your knowledge of English songs is 10 years out of date.
You know you're a cbc if you can list at least 1 song on the top 40!

You know you're a fob when you have an English name, but still make the choice to use your Chinese name.
You're cbc if you're chinese name is your middle name, or you're just plain embarassed of it!

3 days until Christmas... and counting... (and still haven't started shopping!)

where is your home?

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot know." ~Pascal

i once heard someone say that home is where your heart is. so here's the question: if you give your heart away, does that mean that's home? is the place where you left your heart, the place that you call home? is that why going back to that same place always feels the most comfortable, because that's where you've chosen to call home?

for that reason alone, i guess that's why we're suppose to be careful of where we put our hearts.

what happens if you've already misplaced your heart, and home has become a place that you wish to go, but cannot? are you allowed to take it back, and put it somewhere else, so you call a new place home?

maybe moving is the answer... take a chance... or go home? haha... obviously don't want to go back to the place where my heart has decided to call home. so maybe take a chance? i think i just might take the dive.

joke of the day...

buzz buzz.... need i say more?!?!

haha... one more exam to go.... and starting to get the jitters. who has one exam left and start drinking coffee not at the beginning of the week, but at then end when they're almost done?!?! apparently i do. the worse part is i didn't even need it, and now while i'm suppose to be studying, i have to get up to pee every like 10 min!!!!

haha, i think it's the coffee that's making my stomach feel like i have a constant case of the butterflies... or it could always be something else... can't really tell the difference right now.

ok, back to memorizing geometry terms and diagrams. 10 extra if you know what a Menelaus pt is! muahahahaha, let's see u all try to out do the math major!

what goes around... comes back around!!!

sometimes i find it hard not to believe in karma, and today would be one of those days. awhile ago, i became the proud owner of 2 switchfoot's the beautiful letdown cd. and i couldn't return the one that was a gift because SOMEONE couldn't find the receipt for me!!!! haha.... oh well. so then i decided to re-gift it. haha... well, seriously! what was i going to do with 2 copies of the cd anyways?!?! so i wrapped it all nicely, and gave it to someone for their birthday. and then tonight, i went to fellowship, and we did this gift exchange thing. and it was my turn to pick from the pile... and i thought, you can't go wrong with a cd... so i picked the package that looked like a cd. look and behold! starring right back at me was the same cd i had gotten rid of just months ago!!! seriously?!?! am i just doomed to own 2 copies of this cd like forever or what!?!?! and i'm like sooo curious as to whether its the EXACT same cd i gave away too!
*sigh* oh well... like i said, who goes around, comes back around. treat others the way you want to be treated. you want ppl to treat you all cold and like you don't exist, you're obviously going to receive the exact same treatment! bleh.
poop to ppl who treat others bad AND THEN complain about others treating them bad.... ok whatever. i'm not gettin involved in this. waaaay too complicated.

killing time...

suppose to be finishing hw... but we're stuck... so i needed a break from sitting in the same chair for the past 4 hrs!!!
so... i need to add some more points to my lists of fob vs cbc characteristics... so here goes:

you're a fob if you have a hard drive full of pirated chinese movies, music, etc
you're a cbc if you don't pirate absolutely everything

you're a fob if you can speak more than 1 chinese dialect
you're a cbc if you can only speak and understand the chinese dialect your parents use to yell at you

when i think of more, i'll put it up.

now its time to get back to my hw.

almost at the end...

wow, i just realized the other day that the end of the semester is coming, and in another semester's time, i'm going to be graduating *fingers crossed* i ran into my friend that i met in first year the other day... and it really hit me when she said she was heading home (well as if now, she already headed home as of last night). a lot of people who i've met in the past couple of years may not be around after we all graduate. made me realize how much i need to cherish the times i have now with my friends, and how i take people for granted at times, that they'll just always be around.
i have no idea where God is leading after i graduate, i have no idea whether i'll still be in town at this time next year. i could be working else where, i could be overseas doing missions, or i could just still be here doing who knows what kinda job, and bumming or something. we're growing up, and people are heading off in their own directions, but hopefully, the friends i treasure will always be a part of my life, and we'll make an effort to stay in touch.
oh my goodness, so scary to think we're all growing up so quick! haha... maybe that's why i'm the honourary first year.... cause i'm just refusing to grow up. no, but i know we all do, and people moving, people getting married, etc... its all part of growing up. i'm almost done university, and i'm glad for that. no way i want to go through everything again! i'm glad to be almost done, and almost ready to move on the the next stage in life.
so until the end of schoo, its all about maximizing friends hang-out times, enjoying each and every single day... regardless of how much i'm starting to dislike school, and most of all just trying to make the most of everything, refusing to leave any cards un-turned!

how to tell if you're a fob or a cbc...

you're a fob if tea means using leaves and hot water
you're cbc if tea means throwing a tea bag in some hot water

you're a fob if you carry hot drinks in a thermos
you're a cbc if you carry hot drinks around in an insulated coffee mug

you're a fob if it's grey cup weekend, and you think people ran off to watch hockey
you're a cbc if you understand what the grey cup is

you're a fob if cbc's don't understand your english
you're a cbc if fobs think you have an accent when you speak chinese

you're a fob if your cell phone's language setting is set to chinese
you're obviously a cbc if your cell phone is not!

you're a fob if your ring tone is some chinese pop song
you're cbc if you ring tone is anything but a chinese pop song

you're a fob if you know all the chinese people in class, and you talk to them in chinese
you're a cbc if you converse with all chinese people in english

you're a fob if you don't know what 24 is
you're a cbc if you watch it religiously

you're a fob if your idea of karaoke is to sing well
you're a cbc if your idea of karaoke is to butcher the songs

you're a fob if you make your friend do shots by themselves on their bday
you're a cbc if you buy 2 and take it with them

you're a fob if your music collection is compiled of all chinese songs
you're a cbc if you don't listen to that stuff

you're a fob if you copy notes from your prof including bad grammar and spelling
you're a cbc if you fix it all in your own notes so it makes sense

here's the most obvious of them all:
you're a fob if you understand things better in chinese
you're a cbc if you understand things better in english!

oops, i think i fell....

fell? how? wouldn't u like to know?! the secretses... shh... we don't talk about that! haha... i love having secretses... and i love calling them that... and i have no idea why! i think i'm just a dork when it comes to stuff like this. apparently i talk in code too much and just expect people to know what i'm talking about. but i think the truth is i talk in code because i want to talk about something, but i'm kinda embarassed for people to know... so... hence i talk about something, but i don't really talk about it.
new secretses make me so happy! ok, i have got to stop smiling like i'm hiding something... it's making it too obvious that i am! when people get suspicious, people start asking questions... and i don't like answering questions! so no more smiling like an idiot. but smiling makes me happy, and makes people around you happy... so why not just smile away? plus, it makes homework more barable cause i'm in a good mood! so really who cares... i'm happy, and i'll spread my joy!
yay! the eskimos won! boo to the stupid elevator that stopped working, so i couldn't get back upstaris to ratt to watch the overtime!!!! i stood inside that thing for so long... pressing 7... and the elevator just wouldn't move!!!! shouldn't there a be sign there that says that the elevator will take you downstairs, but you're not going to be able to get back upstairs... cause then i wouldn't have gone down in the first place! oh well, they still won!
boo to stat 479... and boo to this stupid project for that class! yay to finally getting some work done... and something that i can use... and i think i finally understand it. after sitting in front of a computer all day... and 2 at one point today... and sitting in sub with a table of 4 laptops looking like we're having a lan party.... and an hour of moving around until we could find decent internet access... but i think i kinda understand what it is that i have to do now! in the 8 hours that i was at school... i think only maybe 3/4 if even of that was real work time. oops!
boo to my new nick name small pig... why they pick on me like this?!? regardless of who i'm with, i'm always the one people laugh at! haha... oh well... i guess it was kinda funny. yay to the bunnies that look so funny as white lumps on the ground since there's no snow and they don't blend into the snow.
yay to god for another good weekend! yay for everyone who got baptized this weekend! thanks for the reminders that God is amazing and he works in supernatural ways! as much as it didn't feel like i went to church today... and i say i didn't feel like i got any corporate worship, God spoke in his own way through the testimonies of these people. yay for the way God touches people's hearts.
boo to people who confuse me and make me sad. but yay to people who put a huge smile on my face! yay to phone calls from friends, and meaningless conversations. thanks god for using all of those to balance out the things that get a boo! yay for the love that god represents, and yay for how he shows it.
conlusion: the weekend was a yay!

lost in the forest...

wow, what an amazing week! i mean it wasn't a perfect week, but i'm not looking for perfection. just a week where no matter what happens, there is trust that God is there. started the week with monday night basketball as usual... fun as usual. i think our team played for an hour straight almost! hahaha... it was nice to play on a winning team. and i wasn't completely useless, i managed to sink 2 baskets!
i realized this week, that God has answered my answered my prayer to simplify my life. it's like my picture. i've been feeling so lost in the forest, so surrounded, almost to the point of suffocation. but then i take a moment, and i look up, pass the trees, and i see the sunlight. in the clutter, God has called me to look up heavenward, and there i stand in awe of the peace that looking up brings. no matter how things around me are suffocating me, or frustrating me, i simply have to look up, and nothing else will matter as much as my heavenly father. in my weariness, God has brought me rest. before, i always thought that simplifying my life would mean much more drastic measures, but i think i've realized that by turning my focus onto God, the simplification will follow. by trusting in Him and handing everything over to Him, i no longer worry about silly things, and what remains is simplicity.
not only have i been blessed with answered prayers all around, He's graciously surrounded with friends who love and care for me. there's always somone there in the right place at the right time, whether it be for last min hang outs, someone to talk to, someone to shop with, someone to be silly with, someone to eat with, He has constantly provided at the right place and time, and most important the right person. (thanks to everyone who's brought comfort and encouragement without even knowing it! for the hugs, the laughs, the talks, the hang-outs, coming over for dinner, cooking with me, the shoulders soaked with my tears, the encouragement, the outstretched hands, and yes, even for cleaning with me! you've all been God-sent! )

for Him, not for me...

"I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of you my king.
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying my rights,
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life.

And I surrender all to you, all to you.

I'm singing you this song, I'm waiting at the cross
and all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing you, for the glory of your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in your pain."

maybe being cautious is being selfish. by being cautious, i'm not letting God into my life the way He wants to be in my life. by being cautious, i'm not taking up my cross to follow Him. by saying i'm not ready, i'm telling God no, and that i care more about myself than i do about him. today's sermon was based on putting God before everything else. i think lately, i've been too selfish. always saying that i need to take care of myself first. always telling God that i need more time. more time to heal, more time to "get better." but is "better" ever going to come. God calls us to come in whatever state that we are in. He calls us into service no matter what we are going through, or have gone through. Never has God said, you are too messed up, so i can't use you. Unless your heart is serving the devil, God will use you.
God never promised that by following Him, that there will be no hardships, and everything will be perfect. But God did promise that no matter what it is that we go through, He is right there going through it with us. In Christ, we are never alone, and we are never abandoned. even when we are at the very bottom, God can still find a way to use you. i am convinced that even when you don't want to be used God, He will still find a way for you to be used.
i think its time to let go of myself, and let God take over. healing will only come when I let him in, true joy is only found in Him alone. its time to say "god it may hurt, and i may not want to do it, but i will because you have called me." it's time for the "yes Lord no matter what" to be true, and not a half-hearted committment made while on a spiritual high from a rally or conference.
it is no longer about me, but about God. i may want things MY way, but God says, no, it has to be HIS way. Trust me, MY way is NOT a better way than HIS way. MY way leads to the fires of hell, while HIS way will lead you into eternity in Heaven.

relapse

so after 5 years of hard work and dedication to a committment i made... i find myself falling in to a relapse. maybe it was the large amount of vodka i put into myself... or maybe it was just something that's been brewing inside of me, and it was only a matter of time before it came to this. it was never suppose to come to this... but i just couldn't take it anymore. the escape from reality... the punishment for doing wrong... which always results in even more guilt and more shame.
ok, so maybe hiding from reality has not been the best medicine. i was hoping that it was all just a bad nightmare, and that none of it ever happened, but no one can tell me that can they? How could God let all this happen? How come He's not here? Can someone please tell me? I've been waiting... maybe God has someone nice... "the break in the clouds." But it only seems to be bad news on top of more bad news all the time. i'm tired... and the more tired i get, the more my faith seems to shake... and the more i want to escape.
How come He think's I can handle all this? Because we're only suppose to be faced with what He thinks we can handle right? God I know that i said i can do this on my own, but i can't. why'd they walk out... and leave me here in all the crap? i thought we in this together? so why do i feel like it was all my fault? why do i feel like i've lost everything?
argh... too much pain... can only take so much more. can u stop hurting me, please? or else... i just might give up this fight...

proceeding with caution

yield signs... those upside down triangle things. when you see one, you're suppose to slow down and proceed with caution! of course unless you're in the windsor carpark on campus, because those are apparently non-existent. i don't know how many times i've had to yield to cars that are suppose to yield to me!!! annoyance... esp when its early, and i don't want to be at school. but yielding is so important, because if you don't slow down to make sure no cars are coming, its very likely that you're going to be hit by a car, esp at a busy intersection!
how many times does God put up yield signs in our lives, and ask us to proceed with caution? sometimes, he just sends us the bright flashing warning signs, but more often, they're those yield signs that many of us chose to ignore at certain intersections or at certain times of the night when roads are less busy. because God has a still small voice, sometimes, if we're not paying attention, it's very easy to miss them.
but can anyone ever be too cautious? or too careful? maybe, maybe not. its always good to be cautious when behind the wheel. but how about in dealing with others? can one be too careful about letting people in? ever met someone who keeps everyone at an arm's length? its frustrating... and until this week... i've never considered myself to be one, but maybe i have become one. i don't like to share, and i don't probe people because i don't want to be probed in return. i'll let you scratch the surface, but to get in any deeper would just be sharing too much. maybe i'm scared you'll get in too deep, that you'll see the wound that's still bleeding. the wound that needs stitches, but i've simply patched up with band-aids.
maybe its ok to be cautious, just for now. until the bleeding stops and the wound stops its stinging. until it stops getting infected, and the cleaning process is complete, and God has stitched me up. maybe then, i can let you into my heart.

simple joys

ok, so before this next post, i'm suppose to say that i love the corolla sport too! i'll even post a picture!

anyways, back to simple joys

simple joys are the ordinary everyday things that can make your day.
~ ice cream from the tub
~ candy
~ seeing a nice car
~ cute babies
~ encouraging words
~ hugs and kisses
~ sunshine
~ good songs
~ rainbows
~ silly girl talk
~ good conversation
~ goal fulfilled
~ math problem solved

what a good weekend. so many simple joys for me this weekend. i was waiting outside for a little while today and got to soak in the warm sunshine. ate lots of candy while studying at school... dried mangoes counts as candy. rode in nice cars, corolla sports... haha. heard some good old school songs, had some silly girl talk in bathrooms, had some good converstions. got my ears pierced like i've been wanting to, and i even figured out some of the stat problems for my next assignment all on my own!
ok, so there weren't any hugs and kisses, or ice cream from tubs, and there was no cute baby at tokyo express this time, and no rainbows, but more than half the list is pretty good for one weekend.
and now i feel so giddy... just because i had a good weekend, and i'm starting to understand the one class that i was completely clueless in! yay, praise god, because He DOES answer prayers!

oh how i love cars...

ok, so i admit it, i love cars. and i esp love pretty cars. not only good looking cars... but cars that are powerful too. haha... its not good enough that its nice on the outside, but the engine under the hood needs to be just as nice! so, since guys like to compare girls with cars, i've decided, why can't girls? so here goes... my first love.... a 1995 honda prelude. i was still in jr high when i decided that my dream car was going to be honda prelude... and then they stopped making them!!! as old as that car may be, everytime i see one on the street it still turns my head. i guess that's what they say about your first love, eh? you never quite get that first one out of your system. my first still turns my head.
so after that i kinda had dreams about a honda civic, until they re-designed them and made them look like a family car. then there was the integra for awhile, but they stopped making those too.
and then there was the tsx...

what a beautiful car! it looked cool, and it had power! it became my new dream car the minute i first saw it! i even went as far as saying i'd only date a guy if he drove a tsx (which is NOT true). i want my own! cause i know if i had a bf who had a car like this... he's probably not going to let me drive it. it was like how guys get the "new girl symdrome" this was like new car syndrome for me. i wanted this car, but with anything else, the new-ness eventually wears off and it just becomes another car. i think about it once in awhile, but its no longer... an i gotta have! plus when someone buys your dream car, it no longer seems special. cause before anyone else has one, it was cool... but when someone else has it... who cares.
and then i had this crazy thought, if i want to start saving up for a tsx... why not save up even more and spring for the next model up? the tl....

ok... so i wasn't as crazy about this car as i was about the other dream cars, but hey, it caught my eye. it became the new thing i couldn't stop looking for and the thing i couldn't stop thinking about. but yah, there isn't much more to say about this car other than, i still wouldn't mind it! haha... hey, what can i say? its a nice car. its kinda one of those safe choice things. like the choice to fall back on... when other choices don't seem available. i mean they do still make this car! no more preludes... no more integras... but they do still make tl's. and the tsx is still rather new... who knows... they're probably still making improvements to make it better. its like would you rather the one you know has a good reputation, or the one that's new and you don't know much about? haha... think about it. you want a guy with a trusted reputation, or a new guy that's a question mark?
and then came the one that appeared in my dream one night...



the audi a4. so before this car appeared in my dream, it was waaay too much of a family car. and it was kinda big... i prefer driving small cars... hence the 2 door prelude. but hey... this is one sweeeeet car. and if you think about it, who wouldn't want to marry rich? haha... like who wouldn't want to own an audi a4? but of course this was one of those out of reach kinda dreams. (of course at the time, i was still seriously considering my career as an actuary... which would mean that in a couple of years time i'd probably be able to afford this car....) but hey, extravegance isn't for everyone... and i'm not one to dwell on being rich.... because i'd pick happiness over money any given day. haha... just because something appeared in a dream doesn't mean it's the truth... or means that it's something that i want or should pursue. of course... weird things appear in my dreams... so who knows what anything means when they come from dreams!
and finally, the car of the moment...

a volvo s40. after a discussion about cars with my dad... we both decided that a volvo s40 would be a nice choice. volvo's are less boxy than they used to be, and they're safe cars. haha... which is funny because... if i'm going to relate cars to guys... that would mean my dad'll have to approve of this guy... and he'd have to give me security. haha... i've also realized that a volvo is still an expensive car. but it's nice to dream.
okay... so i'm not so good at comparing guys with cars.. i just love cars too much. so who cares! these are sweet ass cars! this doesn't mean that just because i like expensive cars, i like boys with money. haha... i really shouldn't compare the 2. i'm not the kinda girl who wants the car to come with the boy. it'll bring me much more joy if i can work towards it, and buy it for myself. i'm particular about cars... and bottom line, i want my own. of course... if i ever did end up with one of my dream cars... and a guy... he'd be allowed to drive my car. haha... he can drive me around in MY car. haha.... ok... too much information. yah... so there is NO correlation between my taste in cars and my taste in boys. so... they ruins the whole blog!
but i have realized one thing, my taste in cars has shifted. where once they lie in cars that were in other words more "ricer" type of cars...i've started leaning more towards more stable... and somewhat "family" cars. oh... how sad. i'm getting old. not only that, but i used to only love japanese cars! i wouldn't even look at other types of cars. but i've broadened my horizons... european cars! more high class... obviously! i'm moving up the chain.
but that doesn't change anything. i still want to watch 2 fast 2 furious... and i still love initial d. just because i don't really want those kinda cars anymore... doesn't mean i don't like them anymore. it's just that the excitement has worn off, and security and practicality is more important.
oh and a side note... i don't necessarily want a silver car... its just that all the pictures i could find were of the cars in silver. silver is nice... but i think i want a dark colored car. haha... darker is better.

Back to the beginning

"Through forgotten convictions and misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice.
Chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been done this road before.
I gotta get back to where it all began.
Where I would long for only You."

John 1:1-18
In my attempt to get back to the basics, and back to putting God first in my life, I've decided to start where my walk with God very first began. In the book of John. Reading the first couple verses of John as a non-Christian... I don't remember it making any sense to me at all. I had minimal knowledge of who this God was, and ended up skimming these first couple lines. If you go to church, esp a very contemporary church, Im sure that you have sang the song "Here I am to Worship" by Tim Hughes. The very first line of that song is "Light of the world, you stepped down into darkness, " which is exactly what this passage is about. Jesus Christ was the light that stepped into the darkness which is the world.
I think this passage has 2 parts. The first part is the summary of who Jesus was and why He came to the earth. The second part is about people who have known Jesus and what they are to do because God has touched their lives. A lot of time, when someone is starting out as new Christian, or searching, and want to start getting into the Bible, many a times, they are told to start with the Book of John. It makes sense, right here at the very beginning of the book is the gospel message. Jesus came to bring truth and grace and to make God known. It also says that not everyone accepts Him, but for those who do "he gave the right to become children of God— 13children born not of natural descent,[c] nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." Right there at the very beginning of the book, is the truth, if you accept Him, you become a child of God.
As we live in such a humanistic world, where the world teaches us "every man/woman for themselves," we tend to conform to the world, and lose our own identity in the process. Our desire to belong and to be accepted causes people to lose their sense of self and identity. But it's not our identity in others that matter, but our identity in God. It doesn't matter what other people think, it only matters that God loves you, and wants you to call Him Father. But because God is invisible, we tend to turn towards other things and other people for acceptance and reassurance that we matter. We look for things that are tangible because science teaches us that something only exists only if you can prove that it does. Other people exist because you can feel them, and God does not because you can not touch Him. So, here's the question: would you rather place your security in something/someone that will in someway or other let you down someday, or stop caring about you? Or would you rather place your security in Someone that will love you no matter what you do, and will never ever leave you for forsake you?
And if you've already found this love and have it in your life, why are you not sharing with everyone around you? Why do you leave the world in the dark? When we are specifically told to go and be a light in the world?

Hate the World Today ~ Starfield

As much as it thrills me
I wanna get off this ride
For gravity holds me
Yet grace calls me to Your side

As much as I trust You
Though I know that hope will come with time
Injustice prevails
And truth lags behind

Looking for beauty
Searching for sense in all the pain
A note of redemption
A break in the clouds to stop the rain

Can You hear me calling?
Have You been listening to my cry?
Cause I can't carry onIf I don't find out why

I hate the world today
But I love this life you have given
I hate the world today
But I love you and I need you here

Though stuck in this moment
Everything good still comes from you
As much as I don't know
I'm trusting that you will carry me through

Though thousands are falling
Though comfort and peace are beyond reach
I'll offer my heart
I'll try to believe

It's pulling me to pieces
In a fight for my soul
These two worlds are waging war
The falling of humanity
And the truth that although
I can't see with my eyes
I'm still trying to believe

re-evaluation time

i think i've reached the place where i really need to think about the things in which i place importance. i've been back in school for about a month now, and i'm feeling more lost and burdened than ever. why am i still in school? i honestly see no reason for why i am in school, i don't want to be in school, i don't want to study... sometimes... i don't want to be around.
i'm in a fellowship where i feel more lost than i ever have. do i belong there? but if i don't belong there, then where do i belong? can i go back? why am i letting someone dictate my life and not God? why is which fellowship, or church i go based on where someone else is not! why has the anger towards someone driven me to the point where it drowns out God's voice? why is forgiveness so hard? why does the tendency to ignore always seem stronger than the tendency to reconcile?
what am i re-evaluating anyways? my life? my relationship with God? my goals? the state of my heart? i can tell you straight up that the state of my heart is hard. my heart is numb from pain to the point where i don't think i can feel anymore. i've re-entered that state in which i vowed never to go back to. the numbness where i can't feel pain, and tears refuse to come even when i want to cry. (why is that you're the one who brought back the feeling in my heart, and you are also the one who has made me numb?)
my goals? before my goal was to finish school, have actuary exams done, find a job... make some money... and buy myself a sweet-ass car! find someone, get married, start having kids before i'm too old... but what does that all matter now? the money seems irrelevant, because there are too many unfortunate people in the world. find someone... that will come in time.... but don't want to be married anytime soon, and definitely don't want to be having kids anytime soon. i've come to see that as much as i love kids, i'm no where ready to have my own.
my relationship with God? now there's an interesting one. i would say that i'm on the fence, but that would be a lie. i can't say that my faith is on the fence when i know that i believe in Him and Him alone. I believe that He died on the cross to save me from my sins, and that He rose again from the dead in 3 days. i serve, because i have a passion to serve. but somedays i still feel so far. i talk to Him, but He feels so distant to me. i believe in Him, but at the same time i feel myself faltering and stumbling all over the place. i feel like i'm walking on the edge of a cliff, and by the way i'm stumbling on the cliff, it's only going to be a matter of time before i fall over!
so conclusion of re-evaluation: identity crisis, mixed in with anger causing unforgiveness... damn i'm bitter and jaded.

simply waiting...

waiting... what are we all waiting for? what am i really waiting for? for something new to come along, or for something to come back? waiting for the same dreams to be allowed another chance, or for new dreams? am i suppose to find a new direction in life? or am i suppose to hang on to that same direction and try harder? you ask me if i have hope? i have hope. i know i have hope somewhere way down inside, buried deep deep inside.
waiting... just waiting for someone to come by with an out stretched hand to help me off of the ground. i don't dare look up, because i don't want to see the looks of pity and of sympathy. waiting for a gentle touch on my shoulder to let me know that they're here, and that everything is going to be okay. i don't look up, because i don't want to see people's happy faces as they walk on by. it's not fair that i have to sit here by myself, waiting... just waiting. i don't dare reach out, because rejection haunts me. i sit there in my own world, consumed by my own thoughts.
will they come? i ask myself over and over again. there is hope, it will be okay. someone will come, and they will lift me up. i have faith, i am certain of what i do not know, or see. having faith is hard, but i try. i cling onto that little tiny spark of hope, because that's all i have to hang onto. dead things won't come back, lost things won't be found easily, hate and anger won't bring peace. i hang onto the hope because through it will come love, love that i can not understand. love that has defeated death, love that will go in search of missing things that are of little or no importance to the rest of the world, and a love that will bring peace through forgiveness. i have to cling onto this tiny spark because otherwise, i'd be dead.
torn between being tired and wanting to give up and wanting to hang on no matter what. what do i do? how will i know when you come? how will i know that you won't? maybe if i dare to look up, i'll see you running. maybe if i dare to look up, you're already standing there, simply waiting... waiting to hold your lost child in your strong embrace.
still not ready... so still waiting. simply waiting until the my strength returns. until then, can you just simply whisper that you love me? so i know you still care, and you're simply waiting for me.

i was looking through my pictures, and came across this picture of the infamous crossing... how can i ever forget about this crossing? i probably will never forget. ahhh... burstall pass, such a nice hike.. long... and wet at times, but beautiful none the less.
what brought on these memories? well... nothing in particular. i mean there are certain memories that are simply ingrained into your mind forever, and some that you can't ever seem to remember no matter how hard you try. funny thing memories are. seeing this picture of the crossing may bring back an INTERESTING memory, but what that event leads me to remember is something that i wouldn't trade for the world. memories of a time when i felt so happy. summer of 2003, the year i was step student at church. best summer of my life. i honestly felt like i was on top of the world. everything seemed to be going my way, and God was on my side. i had the best job ever, i was finally starting to find direction in my life with regards to school, things with my parents were good, friends who love me, and so many other things.
but i guess things can't always be smooth sailing. it was like when we reached this pond when we were hiking. on the way up, the trek through the pond was fine. sure the roots in the ground hurt the bottom of my feet, but nothing i couldn't handle. it didn't discourage me from getting to the top of that mountain. my goal was in sight, and nothing would have caused me to lose sight of that. i was not ready to give up. the way down was a completey different story. of course the beginning of a trek down is always easy. i can run down at top speed because going down is like going with gravity, it seems natural. but then i hit that same pond at the bottom. i simply walked through it the first time, it's not like i can dry it up. so i find youself standing in front of the same pool of water. but this time i don't have to walk barefoot through it, someone's offered to carry me across. reluctant but relieved at not having to feel the roots underneath my feet, i climb on with complete trust. i never thought they'd slip and drop me right into the middle of the pond. after that, i had a cramp in my leg and the trek all the way back to the bottom became much harder.
that's how i feel. like i've been dropped in a pool of water, cramped up, and now i'm walking with this pain in my leg that just won't seem to go away. except the pain isn't in my leg, the pain is in my heart. but i know just like my friend never left my side til we got to the end, God won't leave my side either. I know that God will also try to carry me, and it is only my stubborness for refusing to be carried. I know that God will also reprimand and remind me to not whine, but to keep going. He will continue to push me forward and not let me fall behind.
thanks to a best friend who never gave up on me and always pushed me to become the best person i could be. it hurts that we can't be friends right now, more than you'll ever know. but i trust that God will take your place because He has to. He will continue to push me and believeing in me so that I will be able to reach the ultimate goal. Eternity with Him in heaven.

learning to understand...

so i was reading the other day... because reading helps me keep up my english skills... since reading a math text requires little to NO knowledge of the english language... and to keep vron from saying to me "Learn english Fob!" Anyways... i was reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown, highly recommended if you're looking for a good fiction book. And in the book, there is this one part where they are talking about how God is all-powerful and well-meaning, the omnipotent and benevolent deity. This was the question presented: If God loves us, and He can protect us, He would have to. It seems either he is either omnipotent and uncaring, or benevolent and powerless to help. So basically there is all this pain, and God is powerful to help, but why doesn't he?
This was the response: Imagine you had an eight-year-old son, would u love him? Of course. Would you do everything in your power to prevent pain in his life? Of course. Would you let him skateboard? Sure, but I'd tell him to be careful. So as this child's father, you would give him some basic, good advice and then him go off and make his own mistakes. I wouldn't run behind him and mollycoddle him if that's what you mean. But what if he fell and skinned his knee? Hw ould learn to be more careful.
Here's the catch: So although you have the power to interfere and prevent your child's pain, you would choose to show your love by letting him learn his own lessons? Of course, pain is a part of growing up. It's how we learn.
It's such a simple concept, and one that we learn in church all the time. Pain is a part of growing up, but I think sometimes i forget why i hurt. When you're in the midst of the growing pain, sometimes its easy to curse God and say He's not caring because He doesn't make the pain go away, or why He didn't prevent it from happening. But if not for this pain caused from doing something that God warns us to be careful of, then how would you learn to be careful? Sometimes, if we don't go through the pain of something, then the lesson is never learned!
This whole summer seems to have been filled with lessons that I didn't want to learn, I don't like learning certain lessons because they always seem to include pain. BUt the more you put off the lesson that God wants you to learn, and longer you drag out your lesson, the more the pain will be. If you suck it in and accept the God planned lesson, sure it'll hurt for a little while, but it'll go away once you've learned the lesson. It's like the band-aid analogy. If you peel off the band-aid by picking at it, it's going to hurt for awhile. But if you rip it off quickly, it'll sting for a little while, and then it'll go away.

another new beginning...

wow, the wedding is over and i'm back in edmonton... and even back in school. the wedding was simple and elegant, most suitable for the bride and groom! congrats to bec and jack for being the first in our group to get hitched! first time ever playing my role as a maid of honour. wouldn't have traded that experience for the world! watching your best friend get married right in front of you, no one in your way cause you're as closer than anyone else in the room, other than the best man, best spot in the house, maybe except for where al was standing! haha :)
back in school once again... another new beginning. no more fooling around and being stupid, no more getting caught up in things that only screw me over. time to buckle down and kick some ass in my courses and pull up the curve! it feels strange that i'm back in school. gave up so much to be where i am right now. probably more than anyone will ever know or understand. but gotta make the most of it, i gave it up so i can be where i am right now, so i better not waste this new beginning... or this second chance. at least i didn't get out of school, and for that i'm very thankful.
being back has brought back a huge flood of memories of things that came before school ended... which always has a tendency to lead towards anger.... but i'm trying hard to keep that anger under control and to lean towards a peace that will come from forgiveness. so much i've learned of God's grace and mercy this past summer, so when will i learn to pass that on in my own life? we'll see... this will most certainly take time. but i'm sure that God will shine through in the end, He always does.

bratty children

i think i've concluded that i should be kept away from bratty children because they bug the crap outta me. make that spoiled bratty children! i'm someone who enjoys my privacy, i do not enjoy nosy children going through my stuff... esp stuff in my room! my room is off limits even to my own friends, so what makes little bratty children think they can just wander into my room and snoop?!?! argh... if i ever have my own kids, they better learn to respect other's privacy! or they're getting an earful from me! mind you, when i have kids, i ain't spoiling them with psp's and stuff like that! mind you that's IF i have kids... we'll see what happens in a couple of years... i mean... that would involve me getting married too.. soooo... i dunno about that one... haha

at least i'm finally heading out to vancouver! ahh... wedding coming up REAL soon... gotta get cracking on that speech! haha... gotta make it good... how in the world do i do that?!?! weddings... last one for the year, i hope. last one in awhile, i hope. unless someone decides to spring an engagement that none of us forsaw in the near future or something. but then you never know what can happen between now and next summer. for all i know i could be gone by next summer. mind you, my brother says that i get nothing but skin cancer from sun burns... so maybe i can get cancer soon... that would be sad, i guess.

what is time? time is so relative... sometimes it seems to move so slowly, and sometimes so quickly. lately, its been moving rather quickly... because school is starting next week! am i ready? no... am i ever?!?! haha... no. back to hours after hours of math/stat homework... in the study hall... at least i don't have to work AND manage school this year. hopefully it will be much more stress-free than previous years.

oh dear... too much geekiness...

so i put a computer together for the first time in my life today... felt like a huge geek afterwards. how did i end up becoming like this?!?! ahhhh........ no!!!!!!!!!!! being in math, and constantly surrounded by an aura of geekness is catching up to me! i think i need to neutralize the geekiness with something completely in the opposite direction! good thing i finally have some room for options in the winter term. christian thelogy... on sex and marriage... should be one interesting topic!
so on top of being geeky, i've started watching season 1 of 24.... that's one intense show. stupid... way to get hooked on watching tv shows on dvd box sets just before school starts. AND i want to borrow alias too?!? i'm stupid!
this is what my summer has come down to. a battle between being a computer geek and a couch potatoe?!?! someone save me from this misery! good thing i'm heading out to vancouver soon. or else i'm going to be so messed up in the head by the end of these 2 weeks before school starts again.... filled with stupid computer lingo and government conspiracy theories...
of course, the plus side of all this is that it keeps me busy.... so i can keep everything i've shoved under a rug in my mind there... and not deal with it....

good reminders

got a letter in the mail yesterday from one of the girls in assumption. makes me realize just how much i miss it up there, and just how much those girls have touched my life. not only did she send me a letter, but she sent pictures and a present! it was the sweetest thing in the world, and i wish with all my heart that i could be there to give her a huge hug! but the truth is that i'm stuck back here in edmonton where all i can do is pray for them and keep in touch with them through letters and phone calls. i never expected to be touched by the people up north in such a huge way in just 2 weeks, but i was. i can't go back to being just who i was because that's not good enough. i can't sit quietly and let things happen, things need to be said, things need to be done, and people need to be educated. if you live in a bubble your whole life, when that bubble pops and reality catches up, it's going to hit you so hard, you won't know what to do. when satan attacks, you could fall away from god, but it doesn't have to be that way. all you need to do is realize that the reality is in stepping outside of the bubble. sure, reality is hard sometimes but there is also no better way to experience god than in reality. when everything is perfect in your bubble, where is the need for god? but when you're in reality and everything isn't perfect, where things aren't always good, where things may seem like a nightmare, god will touch you in ways you can't even imagine. i think is it through people who don't or hardly know god where i feel him the most, and it is through people who have grown up with god in whom i find the least love, understanding and compassion. not to say that all people of god are like that, but there are many in whom i thought i'd find love, and found nothing but ridicule and rebuke. (don't judge because you honestly have no idea what i've gone through.)
on a happier note... my jeans i bought online have arrived! and they fit... no hemming required! finished another book... finally. the undomestic goddess, hilarious. makes you think about what the point in working your butt off for good marks is.

mountain top experience

wow, went to the mountains and came back. i love being in the mountains, and just being in complete awe of how great and majestic God is! being surrounded by humungoid mountains is like being engulfed by God's loving embrace. everywhere you turn, you are still in the middle, and its so huge that there's nothing you can do to get out. there's no time like camp time to be convicted by God. latest lesson from God... i think He's taking me back to the basics... FORGIVENESS. people are to know we're Chrsitians by the way we love one another, therefore i can not be a real witness for God if there is unforgiveness and hatred towards other brothers and sisters in Christ. learning to forgive all over again... interesting, but forgiveness is made possible by God's perfect love, so I have faith that He is going to help me with that. since God is love, then there is no better place to learn love.
if you aren't any different from before a mountain top experience with God, than maybe you never really experienced it. i want to be the difference because i believe that it was a real mountain top experience. there is too much more to life for me to be wasting it by being angry. better to let go and live a fulfilling life than not and live a miserable one.

a series of misfortunate events...

ok... so how is it that in one long weekend, i've managed to get a huge sunburn on my chest and on my back, AND then i get a huge gash on my finger! i've had someone undirectly tell me that she thought i was fat, made a trip all the way to costco to find it closed, and then to top of everything, saw someone that i didn't want to see!

getting an ear-full of wedding talk, and having someone tell you that you're a nice girl and that you don't have to worry because you'll find a nice boy... made me want to run my head into the wall! don't get me wrong i'm not against weddings and people getting married, just don't enjoy being "encouraged" like i'm someone who's acting like i'm desperate for a signigicant other! someone people should really just think before they speak... but i guess you can't control other people. well, better wash my ears after all that stupid nonsense went through them.

on a brighter note, i think its about time for another bbq. i love bbq's... its time for some b and b... burgers and booze!

in memory of...

in memory of something that was, but then was no more.
i'm sorry, but good-bye.

Need somethings to do...

Another day... of sitting around doing nothing... and me attempting to take pictures of myself. So here I am, writing my first blog ever...
On the positive side, I went to K-days with some friends on saturday, and look at what I won at the birthday game! I am so awesome! haha :)
X-minus so many days until people start coming home! Finally! Leslie is coming home, and I no longer have to be in this friggin huge house by myself. Someone to eat with me! It's been getting awfully lonely in the past little while, esp after coming home from being in a house with 27 other people in Assumption.
So God has certainly taught me some crazy lessons while I was on my own this past year. But I've reached the point where I am in complete awe of His grace and mercy. It is true when they say nothing compares. We're all humans, and we all sin, no sin is any greater than another. Lying is no smaller a sin than killing someone, but God still loves us, and encompasses all our inequities with His love. Now what can be more beautiful than that? To know that no matter what stupid things we have done, God is still there looking out for us, and loving us in all of our imperfections.
After being up north for 2 weeks, I sense the urgency to spread the gospel for people to understand the grace and mercy and I have recently sensed on a whole new level. You can go and be with someone, and be their friend for 2 weeks, and tell them you'll be there no matter what happens. But I promise you that circumstances will come where you can not be there for them, what then? Unless they come to know and understand who God is and accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior, old habits will still die hard. Only God has the power to truly change someone, or to be there and love them unconditionally at all times. In the end, God offers what we cannot, and that is why on top of caring for people, we also need to share God with them. People will always eventually let you down, but God will never. Even when you're at the point where you don't think no one will love you and accept you, God will. And that is the beauty of His grace and mercy.